Original subtitles

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

Now, Jessica, I'm gonna play a little game with you

to test your mental capacities.

Oh!

Any sevens?

Go fish.

Swine.

Twit.

Don't tell him what I've got in my hand,

you idiot.

Now, Jessica,

how many fingers do I have?

Ten.

No, I mean how many am I holding up?

Uh...

Jessica, this test only works

if you look at my hand.

It's too easy that way.

You see, it's more of a challenge

if I have my eyes closed.

That's true.

Okay, here we have this box...

Mm-hmm.

And as you can see,

there are many different-shaped objects...

Mm-hmm. And they all fit into

their corresponding holes.

Now, you have 30 seconds

to put all of the objects into the correct holes.

Are you ready? Mm-hmm.

Go!

What now?

Uh... now, Jess,

I want you to tell me

which of these items doesn't belong with the rest.

I have no idea.

I didn't ask you yet.

Oh, I guess that's why.

Ace, king, queen, TV Guide.

Ace.

Mallu, be quiet!

Wrong.

The king of television is Milton Berle.

The queen of television is Lucille Ball.

You idiot. They're cards.

Especially Uncle Miltie.

Oh, this is fun.

Jessica, you're a delight.

I love you.

I wanna spend the rest of my life taking care of you.

Well, I hope you have better games than this to play.

Jessica, will you marry me?

Thought you'd just slip that one on by, eh, fellow?

Thought I wouldn't hear you, huh?

Marry me, Jessica.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

I hear your name, I'm all aflame.

Round and round I go, down and down I go.

Please.

Jessica, please marry me.

Boys.

Easy for you to say.

Get away from her, Mallu.

We'll go away, just the two of us.

We'll marry, have a family.

She has a family.

We'll have small animals.

We'll adopt.

Don't pay any attention to these lunatics, Jess.

I'm your husband.

I'm the one you should marry.

You can't propose to her, you idiot.

You're already married to her.

Yes, but she threw me out of the house,

I think. Did you?

I did.

See?

What do you say, Jess?

Jessica, I can give you love.

I've never stopped loving you, Jess.

Your husband can't get a job.

He's got a record.

Mallu wears a rug.

Did you know that?

You'll stoop to anything, won't you, Tate?

I hate you.

I hate you.

Double, double, double.

Boys.

Get off the floor.

And get him up too.

Now, listen to me.

I love you all,

but I can't marry all of you.

Yes, you can.

I have some very influential

Mormon friends.

I don't want to marry anyone.

Listen, when I died,

I had a lot of time to think about my life,

and I decided then and there

if I ever got a chance to live again,

I was going to do

a few things differently,

and one of the differences

would be that none of you would be with me.

So that's your final decision?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Quite sure.

I'm sorry, but this is my life.

You see, you'll never be able to understand

what happened to me,

but I'm never going to be the same as I was.

I liked myself before,

but now I like myself even better.

So if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I'd like to take a stroll

down the hall.

Ta.

I got the solution!

We tell Tibbs,

go ahead and publish

those pictures of you and me and the six naked women.

That's a solution?

Yeah... because nobody's gonna see the newspapers.

You and me will buy them all up.

You mean you and me will go all over town

putting quarters in the vending machines,

then go to every liquor store,

every drug store, every grocery store?

I didn't say it would be easy.

I've got the solution.

What?

We fold.

Perkins, cancel that APB we got out on Tibbs.

That's it. You heard me.

I can't stand

knuckling under like this.

Oh, no? Yeah?

What about your mother and Polly?

Can we let them look at that kind of filth?

Give me that.

Okay, okay.

I guess not,

but if we give in, we'll be in Tibbs' pocket.

Hi.

Is this a bad time?

Well, not that it's ever really a good time for a sheriff.

Crime never sleeps.

But this is as good a time as any, so hello.

Hiya, Burt.

Danny, do you think we could talk a minute?

Oh, my God.

Has this got anything to do with me and six naked women?

Oh, listen, I'm gonna leave you two alone here

to talk.

I have some crime to stop.

Hey.

I'm glad you came by.

Thanks.

Oh, boy, this is really hard.

What?

I'm not gonna marry you, Danny.

Okay... Okay.

Okay, so we won't get married now.

We'll just keep living together,

and when we're ready, we'll get...

No.

No?

No.

What are you saying, Polly?

What, Polly?

I'm not in love with you, Danny.

You're not in love with me?

I love you.

I love you a lot,

but I'm not in love with you, Danny.

There's a difference.

Yeah. Yeah, I know that.

I know there's a difference, love and in love, yeah.

There's a difference, but, Polly...

Danny, see, when I met you,

I had just lost someone that I was in love with,

and you were kind and loving

and wonderful,

and I needed you to fill that emptiness,

and I think that I confused that

with falling in love with you.

I can't believe you're saying this to me.

And I'm really sorry, Danny.

I guess I just wasn't ready, and I didn't realize it

until I thought about the two of us getting married.

I'm sorry, Danny.

I'm really, really sorry.

Listen, it's, uh...

It's better.

Better?

Yeah, yeah.

See, I don't know how ready I really am.

I was...

I was having second thoughts

about the whole thing.

I was just saying to Burt before you came in here,

"Burt, I don't know if I wanna marry Polly."

It's exactly what we were saying when you came in.

Small world, huh?

Yeah, so, listen,

I'll finish up here,

and I'll come home and...

To the house.

And pack up my stuff and go.

I'll always care about you, Danny.

Well, then, I'll see you later.

Ma?

Oh, hi, darling.

Come in.

I didn't wake you, did I?

Oh, no, Corinne.

I don't sleep here.

It's too dangerous.

The woman in 412 fell asleep

and woke up without a gallbladder.

See, they were supposed to take 421's gallbladder,

but they took 412 by mistake,

and then they took 421's spleen instead of 412,

and when I closed my eyes to take a nap,

they took my Jell-O.

So you can forget about sleeping here.

Oh, thank you.

How are you?

Okay.

I know what happened with Dutch.

Ah, what can you do?

So how do you feel?

Not great.

Well, I am not going to tell you something like,

"There are plenty of fish in the sea,"

because when Daddy and I split up,

someone told me that,

and I sat around a whole day,

wondering why she thought seafood would help.

So I am not going to tell you that,

but I will tell you one thing.

No matter how terrible you feel now,

you'll feel better.

I know.

Ma, I've decided to go to California.

Oh, that's nice. A trip will be good for you.

To live.

To live?

Yeah.

Oh, Corinne,

you do not want to live in California.

It's grotesque.

Corinne, they have earthquakes and fires and mudslides

and crazy people.

I have to get away, Ma.

But so far?

I'll call you all the time. I promise.

Oh, I hate long-distance calls,

because it makes you sound so close

when you're really not.

You know that phone company commercial

that says, "Reach out and touch someone?"

Well, you hang up the phone, and there's no one there.

So depressing.

I hate it. It makes me feel so sad.

So you'll call every day?

Ma, I'll call, and I'll write,

and I'll send pictures of the baby,

and I'll come home for holidays.

And birthdays.

Whose?

Everyone's.

Ma.

This is very hard for me, Corinne.

It's hard for me to go.

I'm scared.

I know.

I was terrified when I left home,

and I only moved two blocks away.

But you'll do just fine.

You're the spunky one.

You inherited my spunk.

You got Daddy's eyes and my spunk.

But I'm adopted.

I see.

Then you inherited it after birth.

It happens all the time, Corinne.

My goodness, I was an adult

before I inherited my mother's furniture.

I'm gonna miss you, Ma.

You know what's funny?

I have been preparing for this moment

since the day you took your first step,

and I'm not prepared at all.

But I'll call, and I'll write so much, you...

You'll hear more from me than when I'm home.

Won't be the same, because, you know,

when a child leaves home,

that child is gone for good.

And when they're little,

and they let go of your hand...

they never take it again.

But that's the way it's gotta be.

That's called growing up.

It's just that a lot of the growing pains

are felt by the parents.

I love you, Ma.

I know.

I love you too.

I know.

Well... I guess I'd better go now.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye.

My little girl.

Danny, we've been through this

a hundred times.

If we stand up to Tibbs,

and those pictures get published, we're through,

and if we're through, we can't legally bring Tibbs in for anything,

because we won't be the law anymore.

He'll find some yes man, make him sheriff.

He'll do anything he wants.

If we give in,

at least we stay in office.

We can solve some of the problems in this city.

Maybe we can't touch Tibbs, but at least that.

We gotta give in, Dan.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm sorry, Burt.

I wasn't listening.

What did you say?

Never mind, Dan.

I'm dead, Burt.

I'm dead from the waist up.

It's hard to hear when your brain has passed away.

Nobody knows that better than you, Dan.

When she left me, I died.

I got nothing to not be dead for.

Look, Danny, I'm sorry.

Come on, I know you feel bad,

and I feel lousy too,

but we can't let your mother know how we feel.

She needs our support now.

Okay. Okay, Burt, don't worry about me.

I'm gonna be cheery.

I'm gonna be pleasant and merry.

Attaguy.

I'm gonna live Till I die

I'm gonna laugh Till I cry

This is a wonderful, wonderful day.

Whoo.

He's loaded.

He drank a whole bottle of Chivas.

I am so glad

we got our little bitty baby back.

Our little... Little...

Wendy-Wendy-Wendy- Wendy-Wendy...

And we got another little bitty...

Little bitty baby too.

Our little... Our little...

Uh, what's his name?

Bob.

Bob, yeah.

Bob? You named him after me?

Oh, what a wonderful name. Bob.

You guys are just wonderful,

wonderful.

Bob, the baby's name is Scott.

Scott?

What the hell kind of name is Scott?

It happens he was named after

my great-grandfather.

No kidding.

What was his name?

Danny, help me with the camera, will you, please?

Okay, okay.

I'll get a sound check on this thing.

Chuck, give me a little voice, would you?

Oh, yeah. Testing, one, two, three.

Testing.

Okay, good.

Everything's coming through loud and clear.

Danny, this isn't the sound camera.

That's funny.

I heard every word.

You know, sometimes he's really frightening.

Please, now, listen. You gotta remember this.

This is a party. This is a welcome home party

for your mother and Wendy and Scott and everybody.

Not one word about Tibbs.

Who's Tibbs?

Never mind. Nobody.

My love has left me.

My life is over.

I'm gonna worry about Tibbs?

That's good.

Let's just keep up that party spirit.

She doesn't love me anymore, Chuck.

Hey, I'm sorry, Dan.

Oh, she loves me.

She's not in love with me.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

The thing is, who cares?

Hey, guys? Guys?

You will never, ever guess

what Wendy did before.

Give up?

What's the matter with everybody?

Oh, hey, no, Jodie, no, what?

We're fine, Danny, right? Everything's really...

It's okay. Yeah, yeah, listen, it's...

It's not what you think.

No one's being blackmailed

or considering suicide.

Good. I was concerned.

Jodie, come here.

Listen, I-I'm so glad

that our little bitty baby is back.

Our little...

Our little...

There he goes.

Wendy-Wendy-Wendy-Wendy.

I mean, just think,

we got us another little bitty baby too.

I'm so very happy.

I'm glad.

Tomorrow, I drown myself.

Danny, Danny...

What is wrong with everybody?

Nothing, nothing.

Hi.

Hey, Mare. Look, Danny, look.

Your Mom. Mom's here.

Hi, Mom.

Happy to see me?

Happy isn't the word.

Nuts is closer.

He just woke up.

Oh, Scotty, Scotty.

Mare, Mare, stay right there.

We'll get a picture right away.

Okay, here we go.

And... all right, action.

This is a movie camera.

You got to move a little bit.

Oh, Burt, isn't this wonderful?

Isn't this the happiest day of your life?

The happiest, Mare.

There's no doubt about it, right, Danny?

Hey, it's great, terrific.

Tomorrow, I take poison.

Oh, there's Wendy. She's up.

Let's take a picture with both babies.

Okay.

The queen has arisen.

Well, you'd know.

This is great stuff. This is all great stuff.

Danny, get in there. Come on. Get in.

Mare, go over underneath the sign over here.

Easy.

Oh, that's great.

That's terrific.

Now, now smile.

Smile, Danny, smile.

I am smiling.

All right, wait.

Cut. Cut.

Hello?

It's, uh, what's-his-name here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we received them.

Well, the ball is sort of in your court now,

don't you think?

Who's he talking to?

Bjorn Borg.

What?

Hey, what is...

What am I doing?

What am I doing here?

Listen, you little creep.

Go ahead and publish them.

Yeah, no, hey,

I know exactly what I'm saying here.

I'm sick and tired of honest people like us

knuckling under to filth like you.

Yeah, that's the final word.

No, wait.

I got a lot more to say to you, pal.

Wrong number.

Burt.

Mare, please, now, don't ask, okay?

Now, it's... It's police work.

There's no problem.

It's just that it's very top-secret.

Isn't that right, Dan? Right.

Danny, what's going on?

Truth, Ma.

The moment of truth is here.

Nothing else matters anymore.

I gotta meet the enemy head-on,

one to one.

My life is fighting crime now.

I gotta make the world safe

for little people like this.

Ma! Burt!

Okay, let's go.

Come ahead.

Okay. Action!

Jodie, what is it?

Wendy's been kidnapped.

What?

Oh, my God.

Now that Polly has left Danny for good,

will Danny assume she doesn't wanna see him anymore?

Now that Corinne's left home for good,

will she find happiness in California?

Or at least a terrific deli?

Since Jessica has told the guys

none of them can be with her,

will they continue to play cards together?

Will Tibbs publish the naked pictures of Burt and Danny,

and if so,

will they be available in wallet size?

And who kidnapped Wendy,

and why?

These questions and many others

will be answered in the next episode of... Soap.

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