Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: In the last episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie she wants the baby.

She's going to court, and she don't mean maybe.

Billy doesn't know what to do.

He'd like to tell Leslie that they are through.

Danny and Polly have moved in together,

determined there's nothing they cannot weather.

Mary's not happy. Life is no fun,

because Burt for sheriff is going to run,

but Jessica's fine and in the pink,

now that Chester's gone and she's dating her shrink.

Confused? You're at the end of your rope?

You won't be, after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

So the drunk says,

"Madam, I was speaking to the duck."

More coffee, Burt?

No. No. No, thanks.

How do you like it, Ma?

Oh, light, no sugar.

No, I mean the house.

Oh.

It's lovely.

We were so lucky to find it.

An adorable Cape Cod house on a pretty block.

So quiet and peaceful.

Yeah, you meet any of your neighbors yet?

A few.

They seem very nice.

Fine.

Hello?

Oh yeah?

Was that for you?

I hope not.

I smell something burning.

Oh, it's the pie!

I forgot to turn off the oven.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I won't be a second.

Will you excuse me, please?

More coffee, Mary?

Oh, yes, thank you.

It's nothing.

So... uh... let me ask you.

Have you decided what to do with the spare room yet?

Oh, yes, well, see, Danny and I are sort of at a stalemate.

He wants a pool table, and I want a family room,

you know, so that the neighbors can come over and chat,

play bridge.

I'd go for the pool table.

Well, it wasn't the pie.

What was it?

The spare room.

Oh...

Well, we couldn't decide what to do with it anyway.

Listen, we have cantaloupe,

and we have pie for dessert.

Who wants some?

Uh-uh.

Kids... Come home.

Ma...

There's room enough for both of you. Really.

We can fix up Grandma's old room in the attic.

Come home.

This is our home.

This is crazy.

Mary, see, if we move out, then they win,

and if they win, then nothing changes.

Ma, we have to stay.

We can't change anything by running away.

So we can't let them chase us out.

We'll handle this. Stay back. Polly?

What?

Get the door.

All right, what the hell do you want?

Hi, I'm Mr. Pfeiffer. This is my wife, Helen.

Yeah?

Well, we just wanted you to know that not everyone is like that.

Not in this state,

and certainly not on this street.

The block committee just wanted us

to welcome you to the neighborhood,

and not to judge us by the- the acts of a few hoodlums.

This is for you, Mrs....

Oh, we're not...

Dallas.

Polly and Danny.

Thank you very much. Will you come in?

Oh, no, thank you.

We should go back

and put out the fire in our living room.

Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck.

Good night.

Thanks.

No, here.

It's fine.

Actually, it's great.

Oh, Billy, I feel terrible.

This place is so expensive.

Oh, hey, it's nothing.

How can you afford it?

I saved a little here, a little there,

sold some clothing.

Well, now I know

why we haven't been out together for so long.

You do?

You've been saving up for tonight.

Yeah.

Look, I have something to tell you,

and I wanted everything to be nice.

Well, I have something to tell you too.

You do?

Mm-hm. I told my parents about us.

What did you tell them?

That we were seeing each other.

Oh.

And that I love you, and that you loved me,

and that our age difference didn't matter,

because I've never been so happy in my life.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

We...

I...

Waiter...

There's a very cheesy odor coming from this veal.

Ah, so there is.

What is it?

Cheese.

Very good. Now, get away, we're eating.

So, what did you want to tell me?

I can't say it.

Billy, if you have something to say,

you just have to come right out with it.

It's the grown-up thing to do.

I'll understand.

You're right. Thanks.

Now, what is it?

We can't see each other anymore.

Leslie?

Leslie? Leslie!

Could you bring her a fork, please?

She seems to be having a little trouble with her fettuccini,

and bring some more sauce.

Leslie, Leslie...

Oh, I must have passed out.

Leslie, try and understand.

Aah!

Leslie. Leslie...

She lost a contact.

Leslie...

Leslie, you're getting yourself all messed up.

Messed up?

I'm getting messed up?

Do I care if I'm getting messed up?

Les...

This is how much I care if I'm messed up.

Leslie, it's not the end of the world.

Oh, not for you.

For you, it's just the beginning.

Excuse me, sir, are you finished with this?

You're not taking this very well.

Well, it doesn't matter how I'm taking this,

and it doesn't matter how I look,

because when I get home tonight, I'm gonna kill myself.

Leslie, I'm sorry.

Madam, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Very well.

I understand.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Billy. It's been great.

BOB:

Lullaby and good night

May your dreams be bright

Good night, Wendy-girl

Da-da Da-da-da Da Da

Aw, Chuck, I can't stand it.

I just can't stand it.

I know, Bob.

I mean, I love Wendy more than anything,

and if they take her away from us,

I...I...

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

Easy, Bob, easy.

Oh, God.

Look at that little face.

Oh, I feel so bad.

I've been so busy, living, dying, running for sheriff,

I've hardly even got to know her.

Oh, Burt, listen, don't let them take Wendy.

I mean, I'll just die if we lose her.

That's the way it is with babies.

No matter what you do, you lose them anyway.

They grow up.

Mr. Philosophy.

Look, look. Look at her. Look.

She's got her foot in her mouth. I love it.

Oh, Burt...

he can't lose her. He just can't.

I don't know what I'll do if he loses her.

Hey, Burt, cheer Mary up.

Give her the old "You lose them anyway" story.

You should see the way she smiles at me

in the morning when I come in here.

Or the way she pokes her finger in my eye

and says, "Ut ut." I love that.

Or the way she... Or the way she...

Or... Or the way...

Well, this is good.

Just the strength and support I'd hoped for.

What? No, no, no. What? We're fine. We're fine.

Bob told us a real sad story

about what Charlie McCarthy's doing these days.

I guess you'd like us to leave, huh?

Well, Ma, it's a little hard for her to sleep

with four people sobbing into her crib.

Good night, Wendy, darling.

Sleep well.

Wendy...

Bla-la-la...

Grandpa.

Night, Wendy.

Good night, little... Wendy...

Wendy, Wendy!

I'm not gonna let you go.

No way.

You know, I've never broken a law.

This time, forget it.

If they take you from me, they might as well take my life.

I love you, little girl.

I'm not gonna let you go.

Now, this is the first meal he's serving,

and I want everybody to be on their best behavior.

He has worked in some of the finest houses,

and he's used to good manners.

Good morning, Saunders.

Good morning, madam.

I believe you have met my family.

Well, part of my family.

Well, actually, what's left of part of my family.

Yes, madam.

Good morning.

ALL: Good morning.

Ooh, my, how pretty.

Green eggs.

Is this St. Patrick's Day?

Madam, these are eggs Florentine.

Ooh, and they're lovely.

I have a dress that color.

What's the green stuff?

Spinach.

Pass.

I'll take his portion.

Hey, these are kind of gooey, pal.

Let me give you a little tip.

If you give the pan a couple of quick shots,

it'll get the goo cooked.

Oh, no, thank you.

It's nothing personal, but I just never eat eggs.

You know, I'm always afraid of getting the slimy part.

You know, the colorless slimy part

that you don't know you've got until it's in your mouth...

This is absolutely incredible.

I know, they are such picky eaters.

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

Just look at him.

He's revolting.

Jess!

Jess, I can't stand it.

I'm losing my mind.

I can't live without you.

I can't go on, Jess.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, Jess, take me back, I beg of you, please.

Take me back.

Hi, kids.

Get up. You are making a fool of yourself.

I'm sorry.

I lost my head.

I... I'm sorry.

Benson!

Who are you?

Are you the new man in her life?

Jess, are you crazy? You and him?

Hey, what the hell, it's 1980, and I'm a liberal guy.

Let me tell you, my man.

You have got one hell of a fight on your hands.

This time I'm gonna do it.

This time, I'm really going to do it!

Leslie!

Cover your eyes, folks. This isn't gonna be pretty.

Leslie, that's a spoon.

Oh!

Oh!

Hiya, Gramps.

Hiya.

I'd like some coffee, boy.

Boy?

I sincerely hope, madam, there's a child in this room.

Daddy, this is Saunders.

Saunders, this is my father.

Hiya.

You have just introduced a bush as your father, madam.

Who is your mother, a palm tree on Oahu?

Good day, madam. I am leaving.

Oh... dear.

I think I have termites.

And they didn't mean it.

Oh, Saunders, I am so sorry.

They're really not bad.

Madam, I have worked all over the world.

I've worked in embassies under siege.

I once served dinner for Idi Amin,

who would throw your family out

for their bad manners.

You did? Really? You served Eydie?

Yes, and madam, let me tell you...

Oh, I just love them.

Steve and Eydie... I just love the specials.

Madam, you don't seem to understand...

Are they really all that happy, huh?

Saunders, what are you doing?

I'm leaving, madam.

I need work, but not this badly.

Oh, no, Saunders, please, don't leave us.

We really need you.

Now, I know we're a strange bunch,

an eccentric bunch, a crazy bunch,

but we're not a bad bunch.

There isn't a one among us who would harm a soul.

Madam, I'm not accusing your family of being killers.

I'm only saying...

There is one. I cannot tell a lie.

There is one killer in the family.

There were two, one left,

so we just have one, and he's not a real killer.

I mean, he's just...

Madam, I promise you, it doesn't matter.

I cannot stay.

Oh, dear.

I don't know what to do.

I was praying it would work out.

I like you so much.

Madam, please. I cannot stand crying.

Why?

Because it always makes me do something stupid.

I can't help it.

I just know if you'd stay, you'd like us.

I know you would.

Madam, please?

And you have such a nice voice.

Very well, madam, I'll stay.

If you promise to stop crying, I'll stay.

Oh, really?

Well, for a day, maybe.

I don't know. We'll see.

Yes, good.

You!

Steward, spray me.

I'm crawling with caterpillars.

Maybe for an hour.

Well, that's that.

Oh, my goodness.

I haven't decorated so much since my Sweet 16 party.

How about you, Saunders?

I've never been either sweet or 16, Mrs. Tate.

Hey, Sandy.

"Sandy"?

Them Swedish meatballs is burnt.

The meatballs? My meatballs?

I just threw a little cold water in the oven

to cool them down.

I guess that wasn't such a good idea.

I'll go glaze your goose.

Mrs. Tate...

Yes.

Is there something the matter, Saunders?

Madam, if you don't remove him from the kitchen immediately,

I'll be forced to call someone in

and have him put to sleep.

I'll have a little chat with him.

Thank you.

Do you have group rates, doctor?

Hi there!

Who was that, Saunders?

Oh, no one at all. Just a fellow with a doll.

Probably a street entertainer.

Oh, no, that's my cousin.

Which one?

Very nice. Very, very nice.

That was Saunders, and he didn't know.

Well, give me a Scotch neat, then.

Make it a double, huh?

Hi, Corinne.

Hi, Danny.

This is Polly Dawson. Corinne Tate.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.

This is Dr. Posner.

Hello. Hello.

Hi, doc.

Somebody sick?

No, Dr. Posner is a psychiatrist.

No kidding?

Doc, you're just the guy I wanted to see.

A lot of people tell me that.

I, uh... I'm having trouble remembering things

with the letter 12 in them.

Is that weird?

12 is not a letter.

See, way back there, I knew that.

Thanks a lot.

Can I give you a couple of bucks?

No, no, no, no.

Your breakthrough is payment enough.

What a guy.

I was only trying to help the guy out.

I know, Dutch, I know,

but, you see, Saunders has his own way of doing things,

so you can just relax now, Dutch,

and be a member of the family.

Okay.

I wish I had that offer.

Okay, pal. Kitchen's all yours.

Carry on.

I'll get it.

I know I should just keep walking. I know it.

"Calm down." "Calm down."

What do you mean, "Calm down"?

Do you realize what I just did?

We're the Campbells.

I'm not a bit surprised.

Do you realize?

Do you have any idea?

Burt, those voting booths are a little tricky.

Tricky?

I voted for the other guy.

Uh-huh.

I actually pulled down the wrong lever

and voted for my opponent.

Tricky...

Hi there.

Burt Campbell knows no color, and thanks for your support.

I didn't vote.

You didn't vote? You didn't vote?

There's time. We got my car, we'll go.

No, no, no. I'm not registered.

I've only just moved here.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a vodka. Phew!

Make it a double.

Make it a triple.

Make it no ice, and thank you very much,

and that'll be all,

and I want to thank you again for your support.

Uncle Burt, I'm so excited.

Election eve.

There you are, Mr. Campbell.

Oh, thanks.

Would you care for another?

What am I, crazy?

Is that a rhetorical question, sir?

I can't drink.

Burt.

What is the matter with you?

Mary, what if I get arrested

for drunk driving

on the night I get elected?

Here. Excuse me.

Oh, Jess, I can't stand it.

Please, please!

Chester, I told you never to come near me

or this house anymore!

I just want you to know, sir,

we are all honored by your presence.

True.

The world will never forget

how you showed up Hitler at the 1936 Olympics.

Good bless you, Jesse Owens!

Miss Dawson,

are you considering joining this family?

Yes, I've thought about it.

Why?

Because I love Danny.

Well, I love artichokes, but I don't wish to become one.

Okay, everybody. It's time.

It's time. Come on, it's time.

Gather around the television set.

Hurry.

Danny, could you leave it open so I can at least hear?

Quiet, everybody.

REPORTER: First results are coming in.

One precinct has reported,

and while it's still too early to tell,

Sheriff Prentice is ahead of Bart Campbell.

"Bart"? "Bart"? What "Bart"?

Where's the phone?

Quiet.

The tally so far is Prentice, 57, Campbell, 56.

That's very close. One vote!

Yeah, one vote. I'm gonna lose by one vote.

My own vote. This is...

Jessica, take it easy. It's early yet.

Ma!

Mrs. Tate?

Must've been the excitement.

She fainted. Get an ambulance.

She just fainted.

POSNER: She didn't just faint.

What is it?

Oh, for God's sake. Get an ambulance. Now.

ANNOUNCER: Will Burt become sheriff?

Now that the Tates have a new butler,

will their manners improve?

Will Danny and Polly continue to live where they're living?

Will homeowner's insurance be a problem?

Now that Billy has told her their relationship is over,

will Leslie really kill herself,

or will she just have huge laundry bills?

Will Jodie lose Wendy?

What has happened to Jessica?

These questions and many others will be answered

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.

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