All language subtitles for Se03.Ep10.[The.Man].NF.Web-DL.Eng.en.HI

A sweet slice of orange
for my sweet papito.

Really, Mami?

If you always do everything for him,

he'll never be able
to do anything for himself.

- I'm fine with that.
- I'm fine with that.

Come on, Lupita.

Life has been torture for Papito
since he has been imprisoned.

Grounded.

Imprisoned in this house.

And all because he wanted
to spend some time

with some girl named Mary Jane.

No, it's fine, Abuelita.
I need to learn my lesson.

How you doing
with that list of chores I gave you?

I'm almost done with all of them.

You're still working on this?
We have eight more units to get through.

The green wire is extra.
Don't need to connect it to anything.

Isn't that the wire that trips the breaker
if there's a power surge?

Carry on.

Why you so stressed?

Your aromatherapist out of town?

Well, that's not helping, but no.

I'm worried about Father's visit.

I am really curious to meet your dad.

I picture the rich Monopoly guy.

No, that's my Uncle Doug.

God! Father's visit is stressing me oot!

I haven't seen him
since before I got sober.

Haven't you been sober
for, like, eight years?

Yeah, I'm not his favorite child.

Plus, he refused to come back to America
till it was great again.

I have a feeling your father's going
to make me want to take my earrings out

and punch him in the throat.

Oh, definitely.

But please just roll with it.

All I want is to get through this

and give him as little as possible
to criticize.

That's why I poured my blood, sweat,
and tears into fixing up the building.

I did all that.

You made me patch up the drywall
'cause you had just gotten a manicure.

Father says
you can tell the quality of a man

by the health of his cuticles.

A real man does not know
what a cuticle is.

Anyway, I think he'll like the building,

but my real ace in the hole is Avery.

He'll love her
'cause she's rich and beautiful,

but he won't want to date her
because she's over 30.

Oh, and please don't make fun of me

when he calls me
by my childhood nickname, Goldie,

short for Golden Boy.

That's actually kind of sweet.

I was a bed-wetter.

[all] Oh.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ This is life, the one you get
So go and have a ball ♪

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Straight ahead and rest assured
You can't be sure at all ♪

♪ So while you're here, enjoy the view
Keep on doing what you do ♪

♪ Hold on tight
We'll muddle through ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

♪ So, up on your feet ♪

♪ Somewhere there's music playing ♪

♪ Don't you worry none ♪

♪ We'll just take it like it comes ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

- ♪ One day at a time ♪
- ♪ One day at a time ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

Papito, I am so excited.

We will spend the day together
in the laundry room like besties.

Yeah, I'm excited too.

What happened to me?

[knocking on door]

Since when do you knock...
and dress like American Psycho?

I always knock. I'm the landlord.
It's a courtesy.

[groans] Did you join a cult again?

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my father,
Lawrence Fitzgerald Schneider.

Very nice to finally meet you.

You must be Avery.

- No.
- Oh, no,

Avery's meeting us here in a minute.
This is my tenant, Penelope.

Oh.

Thank god.

Encantada.

Ah, una Española.

Mucho gusto en conocerla.

Your Spanish is very good.

Escobar was an old friend.

Such a shame what happened.

Hi, I'm Alex.

Nice suit.

Oh, thank you.

A little boy like you made it for me.

So this is what
a typical unit looks like, huh?

Much better.

Looks like you two were about to check out
our new, top-of-the-line laundry room.

Run along now.

And don't give me that rent late.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I brought you something.

Oh! Uh, that's so thoughtful of you, sir,

but I'm sober now. Remember?

But this is Don Julio Real.

He's got his own house.

It's still alcohol.

[knocking on door]

Ooh, this must be Avery.
You're gonna love her.

Now that's more like it.

Ah!

Mr. Schneider,

- it's such a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.

You know, I met your father
at the Bohemian Grove a while back.

Oh, dear! Was he orchestrating
The Cremation of Care?

As ever. [chuckles]

And we were also dueling skippers
at the Mackinac Regatta.

Ah! Daddy once lost a Mackinac wager

when his forestay snapped
and his catamaran tacked starboard.

Ironically, it cost him his holdings...
in Pingtang!

[both laugh]

What the hell?

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

Was that even English?

No, that was cha-ching-lish.

Oh, what happened?

Everything is so different.

Yeah, they replaced the old machines

that shook so hard
they moved across the room.

Pero that's how I knew
that the spin cycle was over.

They came up and smacked me on the nalgas.

It reminded me of your abuelo.
[giggles]

[dryer plays tune]

Schneider programmed them
to play different songs when they're done.

Don't quit your day job, dryer.

Okay, and where do I put the quarters?

You pay with your phone.

So dumb!

[Alex chuckles]

You'll get used to it, Abuelita.

Remember when you thought
rays from the microwave

would give Elena chest hair?

We shall see.

Ay, your mother never empties her pockets.

Y qué es esto?

Uh...Looks like a pen set
and some catnip.

[gasps] Dios mío! It is las drogas.

No! Why do you think that's drug stuff?

I think someone's been writing letters
to a cat.

No. No, no, no, it is the vape.

I have seen it many times
on Caso Cerrado.

[gasps]

Alex!

Your mami is addicted to the weeds.

Oh! Yes! [gasps]

Mami! [sobs]

Oh, hey, I was just showing Father
the new sconces.

Oh! Did you try to pull on it

to open up the secret entrance
to the treasure room?

[chuckles]

That's all Bluetooth now.

But this is all very nice.

Impressive renovations,

and you did it
with your cuticles intact...

like a man.

I'm proud of you.

[gasps]

You've never said that to me before.

You deserve it, son.

[gasps]

You've never called me son before.

You finally earned it.

[phone buzzes]

It's Dick Cheney!

Hey, what's cracking, you old queen?

Wow! He was almost not awful.

I know!

And he loves the building.

[gasps] What did he like?

The tankless water heater,
the new mailbox hardware?

Tell me everything.

He was very impressed
with all your hard work.

You told him you did everything yourself,
didn't you?

He's my daddy!

Plus, he loved Avery.

And not in the bad way.

He said she'd make
a great first or fifth wife.

That's the highest compliment.

How is that a compliment?

Well, the first wife is for breeding,

the second is for spite,
the third is to forget the second,

the fifth is 30 years younger
so it circles back to breeding,

and of course, traditionally,
the fourth wife's Asian.

I'm...

I'm just so tired.

Anyway, Father said it was ingenious
that I picked the neighborhood when I did,

because property values
have gone through the roof.

That's not a great thing, Schneider.
It's gentrification.

No!

This isn't gentrification. That's bad.
This is good. Everything's worth more.

Yes, property values go up for the owners,

but businesses and working-class people
get pushed out of their own neighborhoods

because they can't afford rent anymore.

That's the best news of all.

You won't be paying rent anymore,
because...

- we're going condo!
- What?

Condo-leezza Rice!

Wa-condo forever!

My condo...

Well, that one doesn't work,
but we're going condo!

♪ We are going condo
Condo, condo, condo ♪

Why is no one else dancing?
You guys dance when the mail comes.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God! I did this.

All of my work contributed
to gentrification.

I'm the white devil!

I thought you were just trying
to get through this.

Now you're selling the building?
What happened?

I know,
but Father and I got to talking,

and he said a lot of things
that made sense,

and then he said this is something
that we could work on together.

I've been waiting for this my entire life.

Well, a bunch of hard-working families
are gonna be out on the street.

But I'm glad that you and your daddy
have a little project.

Why are you mad?
This is gonna be great for you.

You can own your own home,
but the monthly payments will be the same.

I don't have enough money
for a down payment.

I buy Target furniture!

From Goodwill!

Just get one of those loans
where you don't have to put anything down

and you only pay interest.

You mean the loans that broke America?

When was this?

Wow!

Look, you're a veteran.

Can't you get a special loan?

Or don't they, like, give you houses?
They should give you houses.

You have no idea
how the world actually works.

This is really gonna affect us.

But you obviously don't care.

[sighs] Of course I do.

But I have to do this.

Right.

You know, you can learn Spanish.

You can eat dinner with us.

You can pretend you're part of the family.

But when it comes down to it,

you are still the man
and we're just your tenants.

Come on, Penelope. That's not at all...

No, congratulations.

You are your father's son.

Get out.

- Penelope...
- No, I mean it. Please, get out.

[exhales]

I cannot believe
that Lupe is on the wacky weed.

Get me a fried egg

so I can show her
what a brain looks like on drugs!

I am never going to stop yelling at her!

Or...you can say nothing.

[sighs exasperatedly]

Quiet mad.

That's the worst kind of mad.

Si.

A silent Cuban is the deadliest of Cubans.

But first...

I yell!

And I give her such a pow pow!

Abuelita, it's mine.

Huh?

What?

It's my weed.

Mom found it in my room
and must have left it in her pocket.

Is this why you have been grounded?

Yeah.

Mami has been hiding it from you
because I asked her to.

I just didn't want to let you down.

I'm so sorry, Abuelita.

Abuelita, say something.

[sighs]

Thanks again for going through
all my stuff on such short notice.

You can account on me,
'cause I'm an accountant.

That used to be on my business card.
I took it off.

That's good.

[sighs]

I'm feeling kind of vulnerable
showing you all my finances.

That's, like, 12th base.

Twelfth base?

You're either really bad at baseball
or really good at sex.

Okay, Mateo, focus.

Can I afford to buy this place?

[Mateo exhales]

I'm sorry, but even with your VA benefits,
you'll be stretched pretty thin.

Especially with Elena going off
to college next year.

Great.

We can't afford to live in Echo Park
without rent control,

which means we're gonna have to move,
the kids are gonna have to switch schools,

and I'll have a six-hour commute.

Maybe we live in the car
'cause Mami is small.

And I'll just start pumping Alex
with coffee now

so he doesn't have another growth spurt.

Penelope, calm down.

You're actually in pretty good shape.

You can still afford to live in LA.

Let's take a look at your expenses.

Do you always see yourself living
with your mother?

Come on. You really gotta ask me that?
We're Latinos.

She lives with me.
I'll live with the Elena.

We'll just keep passing on that curtain
and I'll figure out a way to like cats.

[sighs]

I could kill Schneider for doing this.

Plus, jail would be a free place to live.

Look, I get why you're mad.

But you see how much
this neighborhood has changed

and I see how little rent you pay.

Has Schneider ever raised your rent?

Not since we moved in.

You've been paying the same rent
for 17 years? He's a saint.

But yeah, screw that guy. Let's kill him.

Well, I took down the man.

I slightly loosened all the sconces.

And I wrote "colonizer scum"
on the wall outside!

In chalk!

Go wipe that off right now.

Okay!

Abuelita, say something.

Anything!

Tell me one of your stories.

Here, I'll even get you started.

[imitating Lydia] Havana, 1952...

How can I make this better?

I'll do anything.

I'll clean the house every day.
I'll let you pick out all my clothes.

I'll even shave my head.

[gasps] Ay, no.

Gracias a Dios.

Papito, you should have known better.

I am very disappointed in you.

I'm really sorry, Abuelita.

It was a mistake.

And I'll never do it again.

I did it too.

What?

The marijuana.

I, too, rode the green dragon.

Oh!

Is that why you were staring at the dryer?

No, I accidentally ate
one of Leslie's pot lozenges,

and I became very...
Como se dice?

...lit.

Wait.

You got high?

I got real high, baby.

And it was stupid.

And we must promise each other

that we will never ever, ever, ever

toss the devil's salad again.

We need to work on your slang, Abuelita.

But okay.

[sniffles]

Don't cry.

- I said I'll never do it again.
- No, no, it's not that.

This is the first time
you have ever kept a secret from me,

and we don't do that.

We keep secrets from everyone else.

You know how we hide the good cookies
in the oatmeal tin?

And how you are the only person

who knows I killed Elena's hermit crab
with Fabuloso.

- I will take that to my grave.
- Ay.

Thank you.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to keep things from you.

I just...

didn't want you to hate me.

Ay, Papito!

I could never.

You are mi vida.

But you are growing up
and it makes me a little sad.

And soon,

you will not want to spend time with me.

- Yes, I will.
- Yeah?

I love hanging out with you.

Especially now that I know
we can get stoned together.

[knocking on door]

Hey.

Hey.

Come on in.

Sorry I kicked you out before.

But it's nice to know

that you're actually capable
of leaving my apartment when asked.

I'm so sorry, Pen.
I don't know what to say.

No, I'm sorry.

You caught me off guard.

This is your building.

And it is a good business decision.

And hell,
if the shoe was on the other foot,

I'd have kicked your ass out too.

Thanks.

[Schneider sighs]

I can't expect you
to push your father away because of us.

And I get it. Family is everything,
and no one knows that more than me.

The Alvarezes are gonna be okay.

And so are we.

[sighs]

Great.

But I gotta say.

I don't think you should try so hard

to become the man
your father wants you to be.

Because I like the man you are just fine.

[Schneider sighs]

What? Mar-a-Lago?

But won't you be busy?

[laughs]

I'm kidding.

Okay, see ya.

Just got an appraisal on the units.
It was even higher than I thought it'd be.

Actually, Father, I've decided
I'm not gonna take the building condo.

- What?
- What?

I really like everything the way it is.

You're screwing up the one thing
you've done right in the last 20 years.

Well, this building is full
of people I care about,

and who care about me,
and I don't want to screw that up.

Plus, I have enough money.

Enough money?

I sent you to school in America

so you could forget
that polite, Canadian crap

and learn some decent values.

My mind is made up.

This is incredible!

I've given you everything
and you've been a constant disappointment.

I put you through rehab three times.

If you were a better father,

you'd know that you put me
through rehab five times.

And you haven't given me everything.

I don't remember you ever once saying
you loved me.

Oh, really?

So this is about a little boy who's sad
because Daddy never said I love you?

Grow up, Goldie.

You know what?
I'm officially done trying with you.

Then we have something in common.

Now get out of my building.

Gladly.

[door slams]

That was freaking amazing!

Where did that come from?

Thanks. [stammers] It felt amazing.

Oh, god! You didn't have to do that,
but thank you.

Really, you...you didn't have to.

Yeah, I did.

Family's everything.

[Penelope sighs]

Hey, you want to come over for dinner?

You can invite Avery,

and I'll even get out the good cookies

that Mami and Alex hide
in the oatmeal tin.

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be right down.

- I just...I just need a minute.
- Okay.

Oh, my god! We're staying!

You're not gonna raise the rent, right?

You know what? We're gonna talk
about that later. [exclaims]

♪ We're not going condo
We're not going condo ♪

♪ We're not going condo
We're not going... ♪

No, no, no, we're staying!

- Oh, thank god.
- Yeah.

[sighs]

[theme music playing]