Original subtitles

[music]

[theme music]

Hey, Roseanne.

Jackie, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be out buying me an anniversary present.

I'm still looking.

I want to be sure I get you something you've always wanted.

Can you get me into the witness relocation program?

Trust me.

I will get you something nice.

I mean 20 years.

That's a biggie.

David, did you know--

No, Jackie.

He doesn't know what we want for our anniversary.

Oh, OK.

Oh.

Because I thought maybe something

might just pop out of his head.

What?

Nothing.

What do you got planned for the big event?

Oh, it's going to be so great.

We're going to go all out this time.

You know?

Starting with a really romantic prime rib dinner and everything

because, you know, the 20th anniversary is the red meat

and liquor anniversary.

Do you know what you're getting him yet?

Well, it's kind of hard to surprise him with a gift

when I give him a gift every single day.

You know, the magic that is me.

Ah, yeah.

We keep waiting for you to run out of that.

Anyway I did have this one idea for a gift.

But I don't know.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Oh, come on.

Embarrassing is good.

OK.

Well, you know how, like, this year I'm kind of thinner?

You know, on account of when I lost

my appetite working around food all the time and you and Mom?

So I thought I'd get one of those boudoir photos.

You know?

Is that completely nuts? - No.

That's great.

I just thought they cost too much.

No.

I've been doing really good at saving my money

and I've been stealing your tips.

His own private centerfold.

Dan must have been a very good boy this year.

Well, you know he's been with the company for 20 years now.

And this is kind of like his gold watch.

You know?

Plus it'll get him all hot and everything.

Excuse me.

Do you guys know I'm here?

Jeez, David.

I didn't know you were such a sensitive kid.

Well, he sure is, Jackie.

And you've embarrassed him.

Just look at his face.

Nice camouflage, zit boy.

Oh God.

[theme music]

[cackle]

[music playing]

Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm wrapping your present from DJ.

Awesome.

What'd he get us?

Well, if I tell you that, then you might tell DJ

and then he wouldn't be surprised.

But this is something that you can open now.

Hey.

A gift certificate to Marty's Big and Tall.

Yeah.

So you can get a nice sport coat for your anniversary dinner.

Huh.

Man with two jackets.

I'll be the talk of the town.

I don't know how to thank you except to ask you

to wrap Rosie's present for me.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, Dan.

A shoe rack.

What do you think?

She is not going to be expecting this.

It's a good present, Dan.

Good, good, good.

Really good.

This is bad, Dan.

It's bad.

It's really bad. - What's wrong with it?

Dan, I shouldn't even be telling you this.

She is spending so much money on you this year.

Oh man.

She's just doing it because she loves you, Dan.

Oh sure.

She says that.

But she knows I don't have any money to buy her anything nice.

If she really loved me, she'd buy me crap.

This is love.

Oh, Dan.

She knows you're broke.

But you could at least get her something thoughtful.

Don't you think I wanted to?

This was always second on my list.

Anything but a shoe rack.

Shoe rack.

Don't think practical, Dan.

Think romantic.

And I know you're no good at it.

But it's not your fault. You're a man.

Probably why my shoes don't match my bag.

[music playing]

Hey.

What do you think? - I like it.

Let's go.

No.

Not the right size.

I like it.

Let's go.

Nice try, Deej.

Why don't you go join those other kids over there

playing in that pant leg?

That jacket looks just great on you, sir.

You know black is very slimming.

I'm not here because I'm big.

I'm here because I'm tall.

I see.

Then that jacket makes you look very short.

So what do you think? - Under $100.

Sold.

I'll just take a minute and pin these up.

And then you'll be out of here in a sec.

Man, you guys do great business here.

Oh yeah.

The recession is still on.

But I think that fitness craze is finally starting to pass.

I'm actually shorthanded.

Oh yeah?

You hiring?

Why?

Are you interested?

Well, I've got to tell you.

It's always been kind of a dream of mine

to work in a place like this.

I mean I'm big.

So I know how hard it is to buy big clothes.

I've always wanted to help the large be better dressed.

Well, then this probably isn't for you because I'm only

looking for someone till June. - Perfect.

Because I'd shoot myself if I had to work

here longer than three months.

I just need some bucks to buy my wife an anniversary present.

Can you do it on minimum wage plus 15% commission?

Sold.

Terrific.

Jim McErman.

Dan Conner.

Thanks.

This is great, Jim. - Hey, Dad.

Look.

I can get this belt around me three times.

Hey, that's not very sensitive, Deej.

The person who has to wear that belt wouldn't appreciate it.

Now go run and put it Back

That's just great.

That's just the attitude that you

need to work around here, Dan.

Well, thanks.

So, Jim.

About our customers.

Who's like the biggest, fattest guy you've ever seen?

[music playing]

So are you sure it's not in there?

I'm positive.

There is no wedding ring in here.

Now stop and think.

Have you retraced your steps for the last two days?

Well, let's see.

I went from home to work, work to home, home to work,

the opera, work to home.

JACKIE: All right.

We've just got to keep looking for it.

But we've got to get out of here soon

if we want to get to that boudoir photo place by three.

Jackie, I can't take a slutty-looking picture

without my wedding ring. I'll look cheap.

Rosie, I searched all through the closet

and I couldn't find it.

Well, it's a wonder you can find anything in that closet

with all them shoes cluttering everything up.

Don't worry about it, honey.

You know when you find stuff?

When you stop looking for it.

Now I'm going to sit here and read this newspaper.

You watch how fast it shows up.

Don't you care that I lost my wedding ring?

Come on, Roseanne.

I pulled double shifts all week.

I'm exhausted.

Well, fine.

I'm going to go look in the living room again.

And if I don't find it in there, I'm getting DJ X-rayed.

Hey.

Did you try the vacuum bag?

The vacuum bag?

How the hell would it get into the vacuum bag?

Shh.

I got the ring.

What? What are you?

Out of your mind?

You're driving her crazy running around like that.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, Dan.

That is gorgeous.

I stole it from her when she was doing the dishes

and took it to a jeweler.

See?

I had him put on that extra band with a diamond.

Oh.

And those three little garnets represent each one of the kids.

Dan.

ROSEANNE: Hey, I don't hear you guys looking in there.

Get off my back, woman.

So beautiful.

How's you swing that?

Well, I'm paying for it in installments.

So by our 110th anniversary, she'll own it out right.

Oh, Dan.

She is going to be blown away by that.

But you can't let her keep looking for it.

She's going nuts. - I know.

But this is the biggest surprise I ever

tried to pull off in my life.

I can't give it to her til Saturday.

ROSEANNE: Well, I guess I have to start looking in here again.

DAN: Whoa.

Rosie, Jackie, come here.

Quick.

Did you find it?

Yeah, I think I see it down here in the drain.

Look, Jackie. - Oh no.

I can see it.

I can see it.

Well, maybe I could see it if you'd move your big head.

Oh, there it is.

You're right.

That is my ring.

Are you sure?

Dan, I think I would know if I saw my own wedding ring.

OK?

Take that drain out.

Roseanne, that's a big job.

I don't have the right kind of tools right now.

Roseanne, I need you to come with me right away

and talk about something personal.

And I need to talk about it somewhere else before three.

Oh yeah.

OK.

Well, you want to talk to me.

So OK.

I'll go get my coat.

[phone rings]

Hello? Yeah.

Hey, Jim.

How's it going?

Oh man, no.

I can't work Saturday night.

It's my anniversary.

Well, sure.

I want to keep it.

But-- No.

I'll be there.

No.

Don't worry.

My wife will understand.

Just one thing.

Could you swing by in a ski mask and drag me off at gunpoint?

[music playing]

No.

Next.

JACKIE: Come on.

I got it.

This is-- Dan would love this.

A maid's uniform?

This is supposed to be fantasy.

Not reality.

Don't worry.

I'll find something.

And do you suppose those things are like bowling shoes?

Do you think they spray them after every time?

Here.

Try this.

Ooh, that's really pretty.

Ooh.

Hey.

How do I sneak these out under my clothes?

You don't have to. They're yours.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you. Gosh.

How beautiful.

Now I'll look like the kind of hooker you got to save up for.

OK.

Are we about ready?

Yeah.

She's just getting all trashed up.

Good. Good.

So Mrs. Conner, are we going to be using any props today?

Well, I've got a couple midgets out in my car.

What do you mean by props?

All right.

Standard bedroom set.

Ho-hum.

Hey, Jackie. What about you?

I bet you your husband would love to see

you in something like this?

Oh well, don't have a husband, Bob.

But thanks for asking.

Oh.

What about your boyfriend?

No.

No boyfriend either.

Cool.

Roseanne, come on out of there.

Come on.

I want to see what you like.

I don't wanna.

What do you mean you don't wanna?

Well, this may not be a good idea.

What if the negatives get out?

I'll never be President.

Roseanne, get out.

Come out here.

No.

I just don't think this is a good idea.

I should just take this home, put it on,

then Dan can see me in it for real.

No.

This way, he gets to see it whenever he wants.

Trust me, Jackie.

He gets to see it whenever he wants.

Roseanne, just do it.

- OK. - Good.

There. See?

Oh, I'm really proud of you.

You're overcoming your fears.

And this is something you'll always be glad you did.

Oh yeah.

I've read that old broad in the cat suit had second thoughts.

OK, Mrs. Conner.

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do it, Jackie. I can't do it.

No. Yes, you can do it.

How important is this anniversary to you?

Very.

And who is the man you love more

than anybody else in the world?

Tom Jones.

Second?

Dan.

All right.

Let's do it.

OK.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to kneel on the bed, lean toward me a little bit,

kick your back leg behind, arch your back,

stick out your chest, and smack your lips.

Perfect.

[flash]

[music playing]

ROSEANNE: Dan?

I'm in here.

Did you get my wedding ring out of there?

Rosie, honey, I need to talk to you for a minute.

Oh, so it wasn't in there.

Right?

No.

Listen, I got some bad news.

We're going to have to celebrate our anniversary

on another night.

I have to work tomorrow.

You gotta work tomorrow?

Oh, I get what you're doing.

You're saying that you have to work

tomorrow so I'll get all mad and hate you and everything.

And then right at the last minute,

you'll do something really great like throw

me a surprise party or something so I'll love you again.

Right?

Yes, that's exactly right.

Except without the great thing and the really nice

I love you part.

What?

So you're really going to work?

I tried everything I could to get out of it.

I got no choice. - Well, yeah.

You do. Quit.

I can't.

I promised I'd be there.

What?

You're keeping a promise to some guy

that you knew less than two weeks

and breaking a promise to your wife of 20 years.

This is a very special anniversary, Dan.

It's a temporary job, for God's sake.

Look, you don't want to say anymore.

Yeah.

I want to say plenty more.

I can't believe that you're doing this.

I mean, you're the most selfish man in the entire world.

You don't care about me.

You don't care about 20 years of marriage.

I mean, all you care about is you.

You think I'm so selfish?

You think I only care about myself?

You want to know why I can't quit my stupid little jobs?

Because I had to pay for this.

It's my wedding ring.

Yes, your wedding ring.

Oh baby, are you in deep now.

Come on, you got something else to say.

Who the hell asked you to do this?

What?

Well, you wrecked it.

Did I ever once ask you to change

anything about this ring? Did I?

Huh?

No.

Well, I hope you're happy now because you ruined my ring just

like you ruined my anniversary.

Oh.

Oh, man.

You are something else.

I took a job where I got to spend all day asking

fat men whether they dress left or dress

right to pay for that ring.

And it means nothing to you.

Oh you only took that job so that you can go buy that ring

because you knew you were going to be working on my anniversary

and you needed to get that ring so I wouldn't be mad at you.

You are insane.

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to go out tonight and do

exactly what I did the night before our wedding 20

years ago.

I'll be with my friends getting drunk.

You weren't with your friends.

You were with your mom.

My mom can drink my friends under the table any day.

[music playing]

Hey, coach.

Sorry I broke curfew.

But if I get a little sleep, I'm sure I can play tomorrow.

Dan, I wouldn't go in there.

OK.

Ever?

Not until I give you a little advice.

Oh, Jackie.

I already took your advice.

You told me not to get her the shoe rack

or she'd be mad at me.

What a relief that didn't happen.

Cool down, Dan.

She's really upset.

Did you talk to her?

She asked me if I knew about the ring.

And you said?

Yeah.

And then?

And then she and I decided that I should spend

the rest of night on the porch.

So you're locked out?

Yeah.

Good news.

You don't live here.

I was waiting for you, Dan.

I'm trying to help you out.

Oh, please.

Help me out some more.

I'm still breathing.

I didn't ask to get dragged into this.

No, Jackie.

You never ask.

You just dive right in.

And the best part is she hates the ring.

I know.

Well, give it to me.

I'm going to take it back.

Maybe they put the ring back like it was.

And then all you have to do is pay for the labor.

Good.

Do it.

You gotta look on the bright side.

If you hadn't given me bad advice and I hadn't taken it,

the anniversary wasn't wrecked, and Roseanne wasn't mad at me,

I wouldn't get to spend the night on the porch.

[music playing]

So what do you think?

I think the shirt looks great on you.

I came in with this shirt.

I tried on the pants.

I think the pants really bring out the shirt.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, I wasn't done yelling at you yet.

You know, I thought of a few more mean things to say.

So I want to rush down here before I forget.

Roseanne, I don't need this kind of insanity

during the Midnight Madness sale.

Well, I think maybe then we should take it outside.

I can't.

I'm working. - OK.

Well then I'll just start screaming here.

Right behind you.

I'm going to kick your butt all the way to Yogurt City.

What's this?

Happy anniversary.

I don't believe this.

You've got everything here.

Corn dogs.

You remembered our wedding dinner.

And--

[radio playing]

Well, you know I'm not very good at saying I'm sorry because you

know I never am.

But I just think I went too far this time.

And I just figure, you know, after 20 years, every man

deserves to hear this.

I was wrong.

And I think after 20 years, every woman

deserves to hear this.

I agree with you.

Well, don't you have something to give me?

Um.

Come on.

I'll say yes.

Really?

Promise.

All right.

Roseanne, will you not be mad at me

for giving the ring to Jackie to have it

put back the way it was before?

What'd you do that for?

I loved that ring.

Damn it, Roseanne.

First you tell me you hate it.

Then you tell me you love it.

And then, and only then, I produce it from my pocket

and show you that I got it back from Jackie

before she took it back to the guy to have it put back.

You may now eat the corn dog.

Now I've got to give you your present.

But you got to promise you won't laugh.

Oooh.

Gadzooks.

Why, Miss Conner.

I can't marry you.

I've fallen in love with another.

You don't think it's stupid?

You're beautiful, honey.

Well, hell.

I always thought you were beautiful.

You really like it?

- Yeah. - Well, good.

Cause I made you an appointment over there next week.

So might as well start shaving now.

[music playing]