Original subtitles

[theme music]

I'm gonna be 12.

I don't want any more babysitters.

Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay

alone when they were my age.

Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.

So when do boys get mature?

We'll let you know as soon as your dad gets there.

I heard that, and I choose to respond thusly.

[armpit noises]

- Mom lied to me. - Well, you're lucky, Deej.

There are kids in China whose mothers

have no lies to give them.

Mom says boys aren't as mature as girls.

Dammit, Roseanne.

The boy keeps hearing all this negative stuff about men,

and it's just not true.

He's every bit as mature as the girls ever were.

Well, your son wants to stay home all by himself.

No way!

He's a boy.

[phone ringing]

I'm gonna get a lawyer.

Kids can divorce their parents for stuff like this.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know that little boy that divorced his parents?

You know what he's doing now?

Every night, he goes out cruising the bars looking

for new parents, and I can't tell you the kind

of garbage that's out there.

DJ, run upstairs for a minute.

I'm not done talking about this.

Go upstairs.

I'm not finished!

What's going on?

It's Joan.

She's calling about your dad.

What happened?

You never listen to me!

DJ, get upstairs now!

He died, honey.

[music playing]

[theme music]

Uh, yeah, I'm here.

It's Harris.

Al Harris.

He's my dad.

Look, I just got through telling this whole thing

to somebody else.

Well, all I want to know is if his fight's coming in on time.

No, not coach.

Try baggage.

Ask them about his frequent flyer miles.

He was a salesman.

It would have been very important to him.

Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something?

Yeah, I'm here.

Listen, this is going to sound kind of weird and everything,

but is he going to be coming down that conveyor

belt with everybody's baggage?

No.

No, the mortuary picks him up.

Oh, that's good because I didn't think

we could fit him in our truck.

Well, I'm sorry you don't think that's funny.

Hey, I'm saving my best jokes for the funeral.

That's it.

I'm not making any more calls.

You do the rest of the family list.

I can't call people, Roseanne.

Jackie, dial.

I'm supposed to be in mourning.

Well, then wear a veil over your face while you do it.

Can't-- Auntie Barbara?

It's Jackie.

Jackie.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm fine.

I have some bad news.

Dad is not with us anymore.

I said, Dad has passed away.

He's passed away.

Dad is gone.

Dad's dead.

He's dead!

No, dead!

Dad!

He's fine.

He sends his love.

Bye.

I am not doing that again.

You can't make me.

BEVERLY: Hello, girls.

Where have you been?

Hi, Mom.

Everybody doing OK?

Yeah, we're doing fine.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm not sure.

You dream about this moment, and then it happens.

Then it's just not the same.

Jackie, honey, you look exhausted.

Well, I had to talk to Auntie Barbara.

I think we should all have some tea

and then pour large amounts of brandy into it.

Darlene, will you put on some water

and then bring the brandy down from your room?

Very funny.

Don't you think if I had brandy in my room,

I'd spend more time at home?

So, did Joan have more details?

Or was she rushing out to break up another marriage?

He was on the road and he had a heart attack.

If there's any more, she'll tell us at the funeral.

At the funeral?

She wants to be there.

We can't stop her.

Perhaps she and I can draw straws over who gets to throw

themself on the coffin.

Well, if she gets out of line, we'll

drag her behind the chapel, and we'll beat the crap out of her.

Mom, are we out of tea bags?

I think I put them in the cupboard.

You know, for such a rotten kid, you're sure being a big help.

I think I put away most of the grief buffet.

It's so bizarre how people bring over all

this food when someone dies.

Yeah, like it's going to make you feel any better.

Hey, chocolate cake!

When did that get here?

Well, um, everything's all crazy around her,

and we haven't even had a chance to talk or anything.

Are you OK?

Well, I feel bad that I don't feel bad enough.

I mean, I haven't seen him in a while.

I don't know. It's weird.

Well, you don't got to feel nothing but what you feel.

I just feel like I should cry.

I haven't cried yet.

That's OK.

I've got cramps, though.

Well, I think he would've liked that.

[music playing]

Grandma, I'm really sorry Grandpa died.

I'm going to miss him.

That's sweet, dear.

Your grandfather loved you too, and he's going

to look very smart in this tie.

This is for Grandpa?

Absolutely.

You're wearing the very tie that will be buried

with your grandfather tomorrow.

Get it off me!

Get it off!

Darlene, would you let--

No.

Hey, Mom, wouldn't it just be easier

if you pealed your face off and chased them around the block?

Roseanne, I have to tie this straight.

You can't trust those funeral people.

They'll just throw the tie on him.

It has to be right.

His tie will be perfect, Mother.

I'll make sure of it myself.

The man will not be buried under six

feet of rocks, dirt, and crap until his tie is perfect.

Did you find the picture of Dad yet?

I can't decide.

Well, you got to hurry, Jackie,

because the mortician needs to see it

so he can figure out what Dad's supposed to look like.

How about that one?

That's his Navy picture from 1944.

Well, he looked so handsome.

Yeah, well, I think they're going

to have a little bit of trouble trying to sew

his hand to his forehead.

I can't take this anymore.

My stomach hurts.

OK, well, you don't have to take it anymore

because you can just be the designated

basket case this time, OK?

OK.

I love you, Roseanne.

I love you too, weirdo.

Come on.

We got to hurry now because I want to be back here by 3:00.

How come?

Well, because Joan is getting in early

and I want to invite her over to the house.

Well, jeez, Roseanne.

Don't you think that's a little odd,

inviting Dad's other woman over to your house?

Well, hey, like it or not, she's been part of his life

for 22 years.

Just seems like the thing to do now.

Well, fine.

That's-- that's-- that's great.

What, Jackie?

JACKIE: Well, if you're so comfortable with this woman

in your house, it might have been nice to invite

them over when Dad was alive.

Yeah, but then Dad would've came with her.

This way, I'm pretty sure he ain't going to show.

I'm just saying that I--

I didn't get to see my father for the last years of his life

because of you, and now here you are playing

hostess to his mistress.

You're not going to blame me for you not seeing Dad.

You made him so unwelcome here,

he never would have come visit.

Just because you hated him, then the whole rest of the family

had to hate him too.

You are so wrong.

You are so selfish.

Oh.

Oh, I'm selfish.

Right.

Have you noticed who's been doing all

the planning for this funeral?

Did you notice at all that is wasn't you?

That's because you don't care, so it was no problem

for you to handle everything.

I loved him.

Well, when did you love him more, Jackie?

When he'd come home and beat us with the belt

or when he didn't come home at all?

That was a long time ago, Roseanne.

You don't know what was going on in his mind

the last years of his life.

You didn't even give him a chance to say he was sorry.

Well, you love him so much, I'll tell you what.

You go down to that funeral home and you make the rest

of the arrangements, OK?

I'm selfish, and I don't care, so I wash my hands

of the whole damn thing.

All right, fine.

I will make the rest of the arrangements.

You're calling Auntie Barbara with directions

to the cemetery, right, Roseanne?

Roseanne!

[music playing]

DAN: Come on, Jacks.

I'm here for you.

Why do I have to pick out a casket now

when my Dad just died?

It kind of happens that way, Jackie.

Hello.

I'm Frank Benders.

You-- you must be Roseanne.

No, I am Jackie.

I'm Roseanne's sister.

I am going to make the arrangements.

How was that?

Dan Connor.

Nice to meet you.

Look, we're not very good at this sort of thing,

so could we just sit down and get through

it as quickly as possible?

Oh, certainly.

I want to make this as easy on you as possible.

Would you like to see the body?

Oh, God.

I think no on that one.

Thank you very much.

I understand.

He called Dad "the body."

Jackie, you want me to do this?

No.

I-- I said I was going to make the arrangements,

so let's start arranging.

All right.

Well, first off, we should probably pick out the casket.

They're all nice.

Very nice.

I like the white one.

That is a lovely choice.

Roseanne would never pick white.

She says it gets dirty too fast.

I don't think that really applies here, Jackie.

She'd want the black.

I'll take the white.

White it is.

JACKIE: And I would like one of those satin pillows too.

She'd hate that.

Maybe we should ask what this costs, Jackie.

Well, since your mother and father

already bought their adjoining plots,

it shouldn't be that expensive.

How much is not expensive?

Well, let's see.

The White Rose--

Oh, the White Rose.

$3,000.

I guess that's a lot.

That's a lot, isn't it, Dan?

Yes, that is a lot.

Maybe I should look at some other.

Oh, of course, but you should realize that they

are of lesser quality.

So what you're saying is that if she really loved him,

she'd get the White Rose.

And if she doesn't, she'd get something

with a twist tie and the word "Hefty" on the side.

No.

No.

No.

I'm sorry.

If cost is a consideration, I'm sure that we

can find something that you can be comfortable with.

JACKIE: Before we go on, I just want

you to know that I'm feeling very irrational right now.

I'm likely to buy anything that you show me.

And I'm also very likely to take out a gun

and blow your head off if I think

you're taking advantage of me, so I

would play me very carefully.

That girl.

[music playing]

Roseanne?

Hi, Joan.

I'm glad you could come down.

Well, thanks for asking me out.

I understand about not coming to the house.

Yeah, well, it looks pretty much like this place.

Let me order a beer or something.

Could I get you a second?

Well, you could if you would have gotten here an hour ago.

I'll have what she's having.

My pleasure.

Wow, this is so weird, sitting here drinking a beer

with my dead father's mistress.

It's funny.

I'm not a mistress in Kansas City.

I'm only a mistress in Lanford.

Oh, no, no, no.

In Lanford, you're something else.

Really?

I don't think you asked me here to insult me.

No, I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Uh, listen, what I did I ask you here

for is because I want to ask you some stuff about my dad,

you know?

You're kind of the only person that's really been with him

for the last couple of years.

I just wanted to know if there's any time where he said anything

about any mistakes he might've made

or, uh, any regrets maybe that he had?

Yeah.

He really regretted what happened between him

and you girls.

Oh, he really said that?

Come on, Roseanne.

You must have known how unhappy he was.

I just thought he didn't give a damn.

Didn't give a damn?

He prided himself on what a devoted father he was.

You've got to be kidding me.

He always said you girls never appreciated what he did for you

because he spoiled you so much.

Well, if he meant spoiled as in wreck--

Roseanne, I know you're upset with your father

for having an affair.

You think this is about the affair?

You don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing about my childhood.

I could tell you stuff about my dad

that you couldn't even handle.

Look, we shouldn't be doing this.

In spite of everything, your dad did die knowing you loved him.

I got to go.

[music playing]

Hello.

I guess I'm a little early.

I'm Beverly Harris.

I know.

You must be Joan.

Yes.

We finally meet.

What a shame we don't have some sort of flavored coffee

to celebrate this moment in our life.

I understand how you feel about me.

Do you?

Well, I think I'd better go inside.

BEVERLY: Not yet.

I've waited a long time for this moment,

and you will not rob me of it.

All right. Go ahead.

I think you should be shot.

I long for the days when we could

brand someone like you with a scarlet letter,

leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast.

And if you ever contract an incurable and very painful

disease, I will not be able to stop myself

from dancing a jig of glee.

Now, that being said, I would like

to sell you my burial plot.

Are you serious?

You love him so much, you spend eternity next to the man.

- Mom. - Hello, dear.

We're chatting. Go away.

Mom, do I have to remind you we can

only afford one coffin today?

If I could just have one moment.

Before we close the casket, I'm going to need

someone to identify the body. - I'll do it.

OK, I think that's fair because I got to pick

the pillow and everything.

Rosie, you want me to go in there?

No, I'm going to do it.

Right this way, Mrs. Connor.

Just a quick look, and then I'll close it.

Fine.

That's all I need.

Can I have a minute in here by myself?

Of course. Take your time.

Uh, Dad, I'm real sorry that you died before I

got to tell you some stuff.

OK.

I'm angry at you for lying to me my whole life.

I'm angry that I didn't ever know who you really were.

I'm mad that when I was a kid, you ignored me,

and when you did give me any attention,

it was usually violent.

I'm mad that you left us alone with a crazy mother.

I'm mad that because of you I grew up distrustful of men,

and I couldn't even trust my own husband for the first five

years we were married.

I'm mad at you because you did all the same stuff to Jackie

and because you made us feel like we were never good enough.

But now, I just need it to end.

So Dad, I'm forgiving you just because I need

to move on with my life, and I forgive

myself for being so damn angry.

[music playing]

Thank you for your humor.

I love you.

Goodbye.

[music playing]

What do you want to do now?

Mm, just sit out here for a while.

Wanna eat another casserole?

Nope.

It's kind of cool sitting out here anyway,

you know, looking at the stars, listening to all the quiet.

You know, it gives you time to think about stuff.

Wanna watch TV?

God, yes.

What's on?

9:30.

Oh, hey, it's time for my favorite show!

What?

You know, that guy, that, uh, Shecky Thomas guy?