Original subtitles

** (harmonica)

Darlene, is there more juice?

Yeah, but it's frozen...

and it's on a stick.

All right, who's freezing bees?

I am.

Quick question, freak boy. Why?

So I could thaw 'em out.

Didn't they come thawed out?

Yeah, but see, if you freeze a bee,

then use a magnifying glass to thaw it out,

it'll come back to life.

Is that really true?

I don't know.

He was wrong about that nail through the worm thing.

It's true. Just thaw 'em out and they fly away.

Oh, come on, D.J. That's impossible.

No it's not.

Come on, I'll show you.

Oh my God, he's actually gonna unfreeze a bee!

D.J. is gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life.

That's like playing God!

I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison.

Ooh, nice. We haven't cooked out in a long time.

It just takes a minute.

I feel like there ought to be spooky music playing.

( imitates spooky music )

Please, please be a killer bee.

Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?

Tried that. Blew up.

What are you doing? Bringing a bee back to life.

Okay.

You know, Deej, bees are really intelligent creatures,

and they're amazingly devoted.

I read someplace where if you kill one then the whole hive

comes and finds your scent and kills you.

Actually, his scent tends to kill them.

See, see, look.

Oh my God, Darlene, look! It's a miracle. The bee's alive!

Truly he is the son of God.

See, I told you I could do it!

** ( harmonica )

So, you guys want to toe tag?

When I started watching the trial I was certain, and now I'm not sure.

Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Jackie.

F. Lee Bailey's definitely drunk.

Has "bored to death" ever actually happened?

Don't' pretend like you're not into it, Darlene.

Why else did you go get that Marcia Clark haircut?

Jackie, if you can tear yourself away, you want to go see a movie with me?

No way. I've followed this from the beginning.

I know the second I leave it's finally gonna start getting interesting.

All right, Mom, I'll go with you.

But this time I pay and let you in the exit door.

No. Going would just mean having to take a shower and put on underwear.

Go ask David.

Too much history there. It'd be weird.

You live for weird.

Darlene, go with David.

My biggest regret is I lost touch with the guys I dated.

Doesn't the Health Department keep them records?

I just don't think David and I can have a friendly relationship.

Well then, you know, you're throwing away something good.

'Cause I always stayed friends with all the men I was with

after the sex stopped.

Your father, for example.

Well, I'd like to be friends with him,

but I just don't know that it's possible.

Anything is possible, Darlene.

For example, last week I, by myself,

refilled the ice trays.

Roseanne, lighten up.

She's gotta be comfortable with it.

Take your time.

Many people have tried to push me into doing--

David!

On the other hand, Darlene, you're not getting any younger.

What's going on?

Oh, Sidebar, huh?

Uh, hey, David.

Hey.

You want to go to a movie?

Don't you think that'd be a little uncomfortable?

Could you two drama queens just get over it?

Do you have any feelings left for David? No.

And do you have any feelings left for Darlene?

Well, I respect her as a person--

Blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so it's just a movie. You can go. It doesn't mean nothing.

If it's okay with you, it's okay with me.

Okay, let's go.

Now remember,

no expectations, no attachments.

Just a couple of buddies hanging out.

They're gonna get back together.

I'm so amazing.

I ever get up off this couch, I'll be unstoppable.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Conner.

What are you doin'?

I'm borrowing Dan's long needle nose pliers.

He said they were in this drawer.

Well, you don't live here anymore

and you got to knock before you come in.

What if you came in here and I was naked

and I was using them needle nose pliers?

I'm doing something for Becky, okay?

Well, Becky doesn't live here anymore either.

You gotta knock before you just come in here.

( sighs )

( knocking )

( knocking )

( knocking ) Hey!

Were you ever planning on letting me in?

Oh, it's you!

Well, it's really rude to show up places unannounced, you know.

Why don't you go over to your house and call me up on the phone

and then maybe I'll let you in.

I don't believe this.

( door slams )

I didn't know we were having waffles.

Well, that's life in the Conner household.

One unexpected surprise after another.

So...

you and David got in pretty late last night, huh?

You waited up for me?

No, I didn't wait up for you. I waited up for David.

In case you didn't know, he scrapes my feet at night.

So where did you go after the movie?

We got a bite to eat.

And?

And he had a burger.

Yeah?

It was a little dry.

Oh, spill it, Darlene. Don't think of me as being your mom.

Think of me as like one of your girlfriends at school.

In that case, I should tell you that

all the other girls always make fun of your clothes.

Spill it, Darlene,

or I'm gonna make you go with me to see the movie Nell.

All right.

David and I had a good time

and I'll deny saying this later,

but I'm glad you got us to go out.

That's it?

Yeah, I mean it was just real comfortable and natural, you know?

The guys I go out with at school,

they always try to say something really witty

and they expect me to applaud or something.

Yeah, your dad looks at me that way

whenever he picks the right vowel on Wheel of Fortune.

You know,

I kind of got the feeling that David might want to get back together.

Really? What about you?

Well, I wouldn't mind getting back together either.

I think that's great, Darlene. I'm really happy for you.

Thanks, Mom. And thanks for butting in.

Yeah, well, this time I hope you guys stay together

'cause you know this is getting tough on me.

Next time I'm just gonna use duct tape.

Morning. Hi. Hey.

No, no, no, don't hang that up. I'm expecting a call.

You know, David,

if you're not busy tonight,

I'm really in the mood for some Yahtzee.

I was kind of hoping on going out tonight.

Oh, really?

What, you and Darlene gonna go see another movie?

Uh, yeah, why don't we?

Uh, no. Actually, I have a date.

Well, David, a date is an easy thing to break, you know.

Uh...

I could do it for you.

It'd be fun.

What's the little bitch's name?

I am not breaking this date.

I've been trying to get this girl to go out with me for months.

Well, that's cool. I got to study anyway.

Mrs. Conner, could you recommend a good restaurant I could take my date to?

I'm not your pimp, David!

Whoa!

That smells...

Well, it doesn't smell good, but it sure is big.

Just the way you like it.

What's in there anyway?

Meat, vegetables, cheese, fruit--

I don't know.

Something wrong, honey?

( sighs )

Darlene still loves David, okay?

So I got 'em to go to this movie together

and now David's got a date with some other girl and Darlene's really upset

and I feel like it's my fault

and I don't know what to do about it.

( exhales ) Well, call me when dinner's ready.

If you leave this room now, you're having seconds.

Why do you always need me to tell you not to get involved

right before you get involved?

Does it help psych you up? Does it make it extra fun?

So I shouldn't get involved?

I should just leave it to God whether they get back together?

Yeah.

But he has so much, Dan, and all I have is this kind of thing.

And the diner.

Did you ever think that maybe it'd be better if they didn't get together?

I mean, David's doing great,

and Darlene's doing big things in Chicago.

Maybe she shouldn't be tied down to someone here in Lanford.

Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't be either.

Why are you so intent on getting them together?

'Cause I love my daughter and I love David.

No new people!

Look, I hate to say this,

but if David's dating other people,

he's probably not interested in Darlene.

Oh yeah? David, come in here!

What are you doing?

I'm going to find out whether he loves her or not.

And if he does, then I'm gonna make him get back together.

And if he doesn't?

Hey.

So, David.

Uh...

This girl you're going out with tonight, you like her?

Yes.

That's nice.

You like her more than you like...

say, me?

Just answer the question, son.

That's not really a fair comparison.

That's a good point.

What would be a fair comparison?

Oh, I know.

Do you like her more than you like Darlene?

I don't know.

Is that painful subject?

Sort of.

Why, David, because you think maybe there's a lot of unfinished business?

What are you getting at?

Nothing. I'm just talking about your new girl.

No, no, you're not. You're talking Darlene.

See, I wonder why you keep bringing her up.

I don't.

Hey, it's okay if you don't want to talk about this, David,

but you really don't have to start

playing all these head games with me.

Okay, I see what this about now.

Look, if Darlene thinks

I want to get back together with her or something, I don't.

God, we broke up almost a year ago. I'm over it now.

See, I told you. He loves her.

Where did you get that from?

Well, it's so obvious.

Didn't you see the big moony look on his face

when he started talking about her?

That's the same look you get every year when the McRib comes back.

Hey. Hey.

Big date tonight, huh?

( chuckles )

Are you wearing cologne?

No, I just ate a cough drop.

Ah, nice.

So, I had fun last night.

Yeah, I love crappy movies like that.

Yeah, me too.

And dinner afterwards was fun.

Yeah, I liked my burger.

Yeah.

Wow.

Meat is some crazy stuff, huh?

What's going on, Darlene?

Nothing. I just...

Well, I suppose that if I had something to tell you

and it was really important,

that now would probably be the right time.

Yeah?

No, nothing. I guess I should have been

more creative with my time.

You know, when I take my spine to the shop

I always get a loaner.

Look, I just changed my mind, all right?

Oh, that's such bull, Darlene.

You know you love him.

So go in there, take a deep breath,

and say all those things to him that you used to say

to that Scott Baio poster.

Okay, you're right.

David's all I ever think about. I can't stand us being apart.

Damn this lousy war.

Well, he likes you.

He does? How do you know?

Uh, because...

posing as a person who cares for him and feeds him,

I slowly earned his trust.

And he said he still likes me?

Yeah. Well, he didn't exactly use those words,

but he was fidgety and he couldn't look me in the eye,

so he might as well of said it like that.

What exactly did he say?

That he didn't like you.

Well, gosh, I guess I better go back on the pill.

No, trust me. Trust me on this, Darlene.

The guy is nuts about you, but he's not gonna tell you.

You're the one that's gonna have to stick her neck out here.

Why me?

Because he's a guy.

See, and guys can't talk about their feelings that much.

That part of their brain is totally undeveloped.

There's mostly just like a big pocket of fat in there

to keep the head from laying over to one side.

Well, I can't tell him either.

Yeah, you can. You can tell him you like him, Darlene.

Or you can do what your dad did to me--

punch him in the arm and run away.

No.

You're scared.

I don't believe it. Here I thought you were

a big strong brave woman that could handle anything

and you're sitting here scared to death of little Kenny G.

That's not it.

It's just...

Well...

I know that David is the one that I really want.

Well, I wanted the buy-in bag

to carry those foot-long hot dogs, Darlene,

but I never spoke up.

The result?

Unhappiness.

I've dated a lot of guys at school,

and they all suck.

If I go in there and he rejects me,

I just don't think I could take that.

I don't see any reason why he would reject you, Darlene.

Okay, well, I do, but he's not as perceptive as me.

God, I'd reject me if I was him.

I mean, I dumped him and I hurt him really badly.

I really messed this whole thing up and it's all my fault.

I just... Please don't make me go in there and find out.

All right, I'm not gonna make you do anything that you don't want to do.

Thanks. Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not gonna even mention it again.

Appreciate it. Yep.

'Course you know if you don't go after him,

you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

You promised.

I know, dear, but I lied.

Goodbye, Mother.

Okay, well, I guess you made your final decision.

So all that's left now is just to find

a comfortable chair and pick a liquor.

I'm putting on my coat.

You know, I almost let your dad get away from me once.

Really?

Yeah. Uh...

It was in high school and we had this big fight.

And I told him that I hated his guts, you know,

so started seeing this cheerleader.

And they were like all over each other.

And then, one time after a big football game,

he was standing there with all of his friends

and I had to force myself to go up to him

and tell him I was sorry and that I wanted him back.

Wow, that must have been really hard.

All right, I'll do it.

David, just shut up and listen for a minute.

I need a pencil.

Okay, look.

I still have a lot of feelings for you, David.

And I want us to get back together, okay?

So, I guess I kind of love you.

But you probably don't love me anymore

and I don't blame you after the way I treated you,

but I had to tell you because I think it would be stupid

for me not to tell you when there's a chance

that we might get back together.

I just don't want to get hurt.

I won't hurt you, Darlene.

So, are we back together again?

Yep.

Except I have that date tonight.

It's just a movie. I should be back by 11.

We can start going out then, okay?

Okay, fine. I was just wondering.

How do you plan on seeing a movie with two forks stuck in your eye sockets?

Or, you know, I could stay in tonight.

Boy, you know, if you and me ever team up...

phew.

Cheerleader, my ass.

Hmm, man.

Not only does O.J. have

the best lawyers money can buy,

he's got the best witnesses

money can buy too.

Hey, you're Marcia Clark!

What are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to come by and thank you

for all the support you've given over the past few months.

No problem. I think you're great.

You know, you've got kids, working 16 hours a day...

I mean, where do you find the time?

I'm a single mom. I make time.

While I'm doing laundry,

I go over D.N.A. evidence.

While I'm making sandwiches for the kids,

I look for baloney the defense is throwing at me.

And today, while I'm grilling Kato Kaelin

in front of an audience of millions,

I'm cleaning my oven.

Well, when do you sleep?

Whenever F. Lee Bailey opens his mouth.

I just can't believe how great you are.

I mean, to be able to keep your sense of humor with all you're going through.

And your horrible ex-husband trying to take your kids away.

Well, you know how the ex-husband stuff goes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Well, I should be getting back.

No, no, no. Come on, take a load off.

Let me cut you off a slice of cheese.

Oh.

Where'd you get that big bloody knife?

Oh, this?

Well, last summer when I was visiting Darlene up in Chicago,

I found it in this big field right by the airport.

Could I borrow that?

Sure. Okay, thanks.

I think it'll come in handy.

Bye now. ( chuckles )

** ( drums, harmonica )

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