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1
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:07,567
All rightie. My husband
and I will see you then.
2
00:00:09,934 --> 00:00:11,300
You ever done
something like this?
3
00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:13,534
You and Dan ever been
to a couples therapist?
4
00:00:13,601 --> 00:00:16,901
No, but we did get in a fight
at a hockey game one time.
5
00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:18,601
The guy had to separate us.
6
00:00:18,667 --> 00:00:22,100
I really think
this is the best way to fix my marriage.
7
00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:23,400
Well,
I really wouldn't know,
8
00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:25,601
because in this family
we fix our own problems.
9
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:28,834
We use no psychiatrists,
no therapists,
10
00:00:28,901 --> 00:00:32,167
no educated people
of any kind.
11
00:00:32,234 --> 00:00:33,734
How's D.J.
doing up there?
12
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,901
For a boy going
to his first school dance,
13
00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:37,067
pretty good.
14
00:00:37,133 --> 00:00:39,000
I'm letting him use
that fancy hair goo
15
00:00:39,067 --> 00:00:41,234
that I save for
special occasions.
16
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,467
That's called shampoo, Dan.
17
00:00:45,334 --> 00:00:47,334
Oh, D.J.'s first date.
18
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:48,601
I can't believe it.
19
00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:49,801
I remember
my first date.
20
00:00:49,868 --> 00:00:51,667
I was a freshman
in high school.
21
00:00:51,734 --> 00:00:53,434
Marshall Gordon.
22
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:55,033
That wasn't
his first name.
23
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,901
That was his job.
24
00:00:57,968 --> 00:01:00,501
He got kicked off the force
'cause of you.
25
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:05,267
Well, well, well,
lookie here!
26
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:08,033
That suit looks great!
27
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,868
The organ grinder was right.
28
00:01:12,534 --> 00:01:13,767
How you feel, son?
29
00:01:13,834 --> 00:01:15,200
I'm kinda scared.
30
00:01:15,267 --> 00:01:16,734
Talk to him, Dan.
31
00:01:16,801 --> 00:01:20,033
There's an extra pork chop
in it for you.
32
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:21,767
I don't know
what to tell him.
33
00:01:21,834 --> 00:01:23,868
Well, just tell him
the same thing
34
00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:26,300
your dad told you
on your first date.
35
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,534
Hmm.
36
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,601
Son, if you think of it,
37
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,501
bring back
a pack of Camels.
38
00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:36,868
[knock on door]
39
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:46,167
Well, it's pretty much
what I expected.
40
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:50,501
Hi. I'm D.J.'s mom.
41
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:51,968
I'm Lisa.
Nice to meet you.
42
00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:58,200
We have lots of
little funny nicknames for each other.
43
00:01:58,267 --> 00:01:59,767
What do you call her?
44
00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:00,901
Uh...
45
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:01,968
Lisa.
46
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:07,067
Oh. Here.
It's a flower.
47
00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:10,167
Look at my dress.
48
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:11,934
Are there any colors
that come close
49
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,834
to going
with a blue flower?
50
00:02:16,601 --> 00:02:17,534
Sorry.
51
00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:18,868
Sorry doesn't cut it.
52
00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:20,534
You get your money
back for it,
53
00:02:20,601 --> 00:02:22,667
and give that to me.
54
00:02:22,734 --> 00:02:25,300
All right, well, let me
take a picture of you two
55
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:27,434
in case D.J.
don't make it back.
56
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,234
Wait.
57
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,567
I'm your date, D.J.
58
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:33,734
I'm not just some kid
you're hanging out with.
59
00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:35,400
Put your arm around me.
60
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:37,634
Okay. Go ahead, Mrs. Conner.
61
00:02:37,701 --> 00:02:39,767
Okay, smile real big,
D.J.
62
00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,200
I want to see
them teeth.
63
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:43,834
After all, this is
the first picture I've taken of you
64
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:46,033
since they came in.
65
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,200
Okay.
Now, who's driving us?
66
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:49,367
David is.
67
00:02:49,434 --> 00:02:50,367
You David?
68
00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:51,367
No, ma'am.
69
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,234
I mean no.
70
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,767
David!
71
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:56,968
Well, Lisa,
while we're waiting
72
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,300
for David to come in,
73
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:00,367
sit down,
tell us a little about yourself.
74
00:03:00,434 --> 00:03:02,334
Well, I'm in all
the honor classes,
75
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,667
and I'm President
of the Student Council.
76
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,501
I also play the clarinet,
77
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,634
and I was
just elected to be in the all-county band.
78
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:13,601
Well,
that is very impressive.
79
00:03:13,667 --> 00:03:17,300
Uh, D.J. can make a spoon
stick to his forehead.
80
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:22,534
Hey, you guys ready?
81
00:03:22,601 --> 00:03:24,734
Nice
meeting everybody.
82
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:26,901
Man,
83
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:30,234
who gets drunk and cuts
this family's hair?
84
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:38,000
Don't just stand there.
85
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:40,100
Open the door for me
like a gentleman.
86
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:48,033
Can you sit up
in the front seat with me?
87
00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:51,801
Dad, I'm still
kind of scared.
88
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:53,434
[Lisa] Train's pulling out,
doofus!
89
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,868
Coming.
90
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:59,300
What was that?
91
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,501
I don't know.
92
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:05,467
But the Dark Prince
takes many forms.
93
00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:08,367
I like her.
94
00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:11,400
** [theme]
95
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,534
What are you doing?
96
00:05:07,234 --> 00:05:09,100
Eating my asparagus.
97
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:11,968
No, you're not. You're just
biting their heads off.
98
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:15,634
Well, I don't like
the bottom part.
99
00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:17,367
I don't remember asking.
100
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,634
[chuckling]
101
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:23,300
D.J., you eat
whatever you want.
102
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:26,033
Hey, stay out of it, Dan.
I agree with her.
103
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,000
Why do you have a plate
of half-eaten asparagus?
104
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,868
'Cause we don't have
a dog?
105
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:34,200
Vegetables are very important,
Dan. If they weren't,
106
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,267
we wouldn't be havin' 'em
once a week.
107
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:38,901
Yes'm.
108
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:42,000
Hey. This is cool. I never
played doubles before.
109
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,367
So did you ask
your folks yet?
110
00:05:46,434 --> 00:05:48,968
Uh, no.
Yes, he may marry you.
111
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:52,534
My family's goin' camping
at the lake this weekend,
112
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:54,434
and I want D.J.
to come with us.
113
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:55,901
My mom said it was okay.
114
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:58,033
Well, then it's okay
with us.
115
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:02,467
Roseanne. Isn't there someone
else you should be asking about this?
116
00:06:02,534 --> 00:06:06,234
Oh. Yeah. So,
you wanna go, right? Yeah!
117
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:10,734
Cool. Hey, if you start
sittin' around the campfire and tellin' scary stories,
118
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,501
change our names.
119
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:18,033
Roseanne, I'm serious
about this.
120
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,634
Oh! Yeah, all right.
Yeah, we'll talk.
121
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:25,367
Uh, see, you don't wanna
take all the fight out of your guy.
122
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:28,334
You want him to still
be able to bark at strangers.
123
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,367
Gotcha. Come on, D.
Let's go for a walk.
124
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,934
Okay, L.
Don't do that.
125
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:43,968
There is no way I'm lettin'
my son go to the lake with that girl.
126
00:06:44,033 --> 00:06:45,367
Why not?
127
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:48,067
Because she pushes him around.
She's a bully.
128
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:53,434
Oh. What, so now
pushing people around makes you a bully?
129
00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:55,567
Roseanne, if this was
one of our girls,
130
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:58,701
and some boy was treatin'
her this bad, you'd tear that guy apart.
131
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:01,100
This is completely
different, Dan.
132
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:05,300
A boy starts life way
up here on a throne, and a girl is down here.
133
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:08,200
So if a boy's pushin'
a girl around, he's tryin' to keep her down.
134
00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:10,934
But if a girl's pushin'
a boy around, she's tryin' to elevate herself.
135
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,234
Can't ya see that?
136
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,567
Boys bullyin' girls
is a step backwards,
137
00:07:16,634 --> 00:07:20,501
but girls bullyin' boys?
Now that's the future. [door closes]
138
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,767
Hey, did you guys decide
about the lake thing?
139
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,467
'Cause Lisa wants
to know now.
140
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,400
Well, I'm against it.
Your mom's for it--
141
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,667
Oh, boy! I'm gonna go
get my sleeping bag!
142
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,701
Hm. So that's what
a wombat looks like.
143
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:46,133
I really don't see why
we have to be here.
144
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,801
Because you need help
with your anger, Fred.
145
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:53,834
Anyone who's had as much
therapy as I have knows that.
146
00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:56,701
What anger?
The anger that you take and mash down
147
00:07:56,767 --> 00:08:02,033
and mash down until it's
all buried deep down inside you, just all...
148
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:04,100
mashed!
149
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,501
I don't have any
mashed anger.
150
00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:11,834
Oh, ho, ho, ho, okay!
151
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:14,000
[sniffling]
[Woman] Well, I'm sure sorry about that.
152
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:16,501
But hey, there are plenty
of fish in the sea, huh?
153
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,133
Buh-bye!
154
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,300
Uh, Jackie and Fred?
155
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,334
That's us!
All right. Come on in. I'm Dr. Whitman.
156
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,567
[Fred] Hi.
Well, that's silly. Obviously, I'm Dr. Whitman.
157
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:33,167
I'm the only one here,
and the sign says Dr. Whitman, so...that's me!
158
00:08:33,234 --> 00:08:34,934
[both laughing]
159
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,667
Okay, come on.
All right.
160
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,767
Sit down.
Okay.
161
00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:42,767
Can I get you something
to drink? You thirsty? Um, no.
162
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,901
Are you cold? Are you warm?
I could open a window.
163
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:48,000
But-- that's right. I can't
open a window. In my old office, I could open a window.
164
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:51,167
But this office, I can't
open the window. The window doesn't open at all. It's just--
165
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:53,567
[banging]
I used to-- I just moved. This is new. So, uh--
166
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:57,133
that's why I'm still saying
"I could open a window". But I can't, so--
167
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,434
listen to me, babbling
on and on and on.
168
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:04,801
Oh, I guess if you get warm,
I could break a window!
169
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:08,400
Oh, I'm just kiddin'
about breakin' a window. Anyhoo, um--
170
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:10,701
if it's okay with you,
I would like to record the session.
171
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,200
Oh, yeah.
That's fine. Okay. Great.
172
00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,334
Kinda like to play
the tapes for my friends.
173
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:21,434
Just kidding.
Kidding again.
174
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:24,167
Okey-dokey. Why don't
we get started with, uh,
175
00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:28,167
each of you stating what
you think the problems with the marriage are.
176
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,868
Um...Fred?
[nervous laugh]
177
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:35,400
I don't know what to say.
Uh-huh. Well, see. That's a--
178
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:38,000
Think I-- discussed that
with you over the phone.
179
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:42,300
Put down your
shield, Fred.
180
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:43,601
We are your friends.
181
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,601
Did that sound
hostile at all?
182
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,734
No, I thought that
was very well said. Good. Okay.
183
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:51,968
'Cause sometimes I can
get started, and then I "Woo!" [laughs]
184
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,167
All right.
Back to you, Fred.
185
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:59,000
Well, I guess-- apparently,
Jackie and I could have
186
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:01,100
some kind of
communication problem.
187
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,167
Okay. All right.
Anything else?
188
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:06,400
Nope.
189
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:09,701
Uh-- [clears throat,
chokes back laugh]
190
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:13,501
Uh-huh. Well, um--
not gonna need two tapes on you, am I, slugger?
191
00:10:15,868 --> 00:10:18,267
Okay, Jackie. What do you
think the problems are?
192
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:20,701
Uh, not much. I would
have to say, I guess,
193
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:23,534
that, um, it does bother me
a little bit that Fred
194
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,467
always likes things
to be the same.
195
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:29,334
Good! Good. Okay,
Fred, would you like--
196
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,200
But it's all things.
All the time. Always the same. Always.
197
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:35,601
You know. Everything
we do. Everything we eat. Every TV show that we watch.
198
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,467
Has to be the same.
No change! No. Can't be variety. No.
199
00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:41,767
Has to be same same
same same same same--
200
00:10:41,834 --> 00:10:44,100
Till you just wanna--
strap him on the back of the car,
201
00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:45,667
and drag him around
for a little bit. Ya know?
202
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:48,334
Because at least that
would be different. That would be something new.
203
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,167
But what really bothers me
is this man's--
204
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:56,434
this Fred's calm, polite,
"I'm not a bit angry, I'm just sitting here on the couch
205
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,934
"with my legs crossed,
wearing this shirt" crap!
206
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,534
When anybody can see that
inside, the man is seething with rage.
207
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:11,701
Fred?
208
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,367
Well? Gee. I don't know.
209
00:11:14,434 --> 00:11:17,234
Um-- do you think there's
something wrong with this shirt?
210
00:11:18,968 --> 00:11:21,133
Oh...oh, my.
[Jackie] What?
211
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,501
Oh my oh my oh my.
What, you think he's hopeless, doctor?
212
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:26,667
No, the tape wasn't
recording the entire time.
213
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,100
Stupid, stupid--
214
00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:35,901
Oh. There we go.
All right.
215
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:37,901
Now, would you mind
starting again?
216
00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:42,133
Well, from-- ?
The beginning.
217
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,167
Yeah. Something about
Fred, wanting things "same same same!"
218
00:11:45,234 --> 00:11:46,934
You know. "Rage!"
219
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:51,067
Something about dragging me
from the back of the car?
220
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:53,868
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Fred spoke. Ha ha!
221
00:11:53,934 --> 00:11:57,000
Or I think that was you, Fred,
wasn't it? 'Cause I wouldn't recognize his voice.
222
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,334
Okay. There we go,
and we're back.
223
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,634
Uh, it's just like, maybe
in the morning, like you just say "Pass the toast..."
224
00:12:08,934 --> 00:12:13,567
So Fred just sat there
in the office like a deer caught in the headlights.
225
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,634
I love that look
on a man.
226
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:21,033
Even if Fred did clam up,
at least I got a couple things off my chest.
227
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:24,033
This tea feels good.
I don't know why my throat's so raw!
228
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:28,334
What are you two doin'
home in the middle of the day?
229
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,367
I just picked D.J. up
at the bus depot.
230
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:34,767
Why, wasn't there enough
droolin' freaks around here to keep ya happy?
231
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:36,868
It seems him and Lisa
skipped school today,
232
00:12:36,934 --> 00:12:38,601
and took the bus to
downtown Chicago,
233
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,100
and didn't have enough
money to get back.
234
00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:43,734
What? You went to Chicago?
235
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:46,767
Yep. And the bus company
let 'em ride back free,
236
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,434
them made 'em wait
at the station,
237
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,300
while they called me
away from work to come pick 'em up.
238
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:53,501
Well, I didn't wanna go!
Lisa made me!
239
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:55,734
Whaddaya mean,
she "made" you?
240
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:59,434
She made me! I mean,
you see her! You know how she is!
241
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:03,968
Well, you've seen me,
and you know how I am, too!
242
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,400
Now you go in there
and kiss that TV goodbye!
243
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,968
Can't believe that kid!
I gotta get back to work.
244
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:15,067
Hey hey hey! I could
use a little help here.
245
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:18,434
Oh, no! A man,
helping a woman out?
246
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:20,567
That's a step backwards!
247
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:23,367
But you cleanin' up
your own mess? That's the future!
248
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:35,267
All right, let's get
this over with. D.J.!
249
00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,834
Hi, Mom!
250
00:13:38,701 --> 00:13:41,133
Son, I am going to
punish you so hard
251
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,601
that they're gonna throw
a benefit concert for you.
252
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:46,901
What are you gonna
do to me?
253
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:50,133
Well, I don't know
that yet. But I do know it starts with this.
254
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,734
Go to your room.
255
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:53,334
For how long?
256
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,033
Bring a shaver.
257
00:13:58,601 --> 00:14:01,267
I'm so mad at him--
Well, of course you are!
258
00:14:01,334 --> 00:14:03,334
D.J. did something terrible.
You have to punish him.
259
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,100
Not him, idiot! Dan!
260
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,567
I hate it when he's right.
Now he's gonna think he can
261
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:12,901
give his opinion over every
little major thing.
262
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:17,467
I can't believe that little
girl was manipulative enough to get D.J. to go to Chicago.
263
00:14:17,534 --> 00:14:20,267
Man, she is a natural.
264
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:22,367
She's obviously been
married before.
265
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:27,067
Well-- can't blame
the whole thing on her, Roseanne.
266
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:31,400
I mean-- did you ever think
that D.J. might be mimicking what he sees around here?
267
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,334
The way little Lisa
bosses D.J. around
268
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,434
is exactly the way that
you boss Dan around.
269
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:38,167
I don't boss Dan around.
270
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:41,334
I am trying to put him
in touch with his submissive side.
271
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,634
Roseanne! Admit it.
272
00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:47,534
You're bossy!
273
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:48,567
Bossy.
274
00:14:49,901 --> 00:14:53,133
Is a farmer who turns
a pig
275
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,534
into a glazed ham
bossy?
276
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,968
I am not saying that
you and Dan don't respect each other.
277
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:06,334
I am just saying that,
as an objective third party,
278
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,567
I see how it can
appear.
279
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:12,100
Well, D.J.'s smart enough
to know that things aren't always the way they look.
280
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,567
He isn't stupid, Jackie.
281
00:15:14,634 --> 00:15:17,367
Even though he did wear
his shoes on the wrong feet for 3 years.
282
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,567
What?
Oh, I'm just waiting to hear you say
283
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:25,434
"You might be right,
Jackie."
284
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,567
Yeah? I'm waitin'
for chocolate air.
285
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:34,634
Where you goin'?
286
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,400
I'm going to go show D.J.
287
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,100
what terrible things
could happen to him
288
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:40,567
in a great big city
like Chicago.
289
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:43,167
Don't you think that you
and Dan should talk to him?
290
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:44,467
Why? What do I need
Dan for?
291
00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:47,133
Roseanne, have you
been listening?
292
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,701
Well, I was listening!
293
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:51,567
But then I stopped talking,
and it all got really boring!
294
00:15:59,934 --> 00:16:00,868
Hey!
Hi.
295
00:16:00,934 --> 00:16:02,000
What are you doin'?
296
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:03,634
Me and Andy are
goin' to the park.
297
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:04,767
Ah.
298
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:06,234
You mind delayin'
the park a little?
299
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,300
I'd like to talk.
300
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,334
Oh, now you wanna talk.
When it's free.
301
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,634
When it's $90 an hour,
you're a block of wood.
302
00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:16,534
Well, I wanted to talk
about our therapy session.
303
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,801
See, after the ringing
in my ears stopped,
304
00:16:19,868 --> 00:16:23,334
I thought that you
probably had a point.
305
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,167
Really.
Yeah.
306
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,000
Maybe I am angry.
307
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,968
I mean, I was really hurt
that you went out with this Pete guy--
308
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:31,701
Oh, yeah.
That reminds me.
309
00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:34,200
I got to pick up
more salt for that wound.
310
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:37,267
Jackie. Please. Don't
get defensive on me.
311
00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:40,267
I'm tryin' to say that--
312
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:42,234
I was partly
to blame for it.
313
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,267
Obviously, you weren't gettin'
what you needed at home. Oh.
314
00:16:47,334 --> 00:16:49,400
Well, yeah.
That was part of it.
315
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,834
And I realized
something else, too. What?
316
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,567
We're very
different people.
317
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:56,467
See, that's what
I've been saying.
318
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:58,234
I didn't realize it
until now,
319
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,300
but we barely knew
each other when we got married.
320
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,901
I know! We only had
a couple of dates.
321
00:17:02,968 --> 00:17:04,501
And the baby.
322
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,634
I know it sounds
kind of boring, Jackie, but I'm a homebody.
323
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:14,534
I really like just
having a beer, watching TV, and then going to bed.
324
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,701
And I need more than that.
I need more excitement.
325
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,667
To live on the edge more.
326
00:17:18,734 --> 00:17:22,601
I need to let the gas go
below a quarter of a tank.
327
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:28,367
And I am the kind of guy
that could never do that.
328
00:17:28,434 --> 00:17:32,100
I'm also the kind of guy
that's gotta tell you, that is so bad for your car!
329
00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:37,400
I guess you didn't realize
you were gettin' somebody so uptight, huh?
330
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:40,901
No. I guess-- you didn't
realize you were marrying somebody so neurotic.
331
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,467
Guess not.
332
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,801
Well, we've got--
one thing in common.
333
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:52,734
We both got married
too fast, to people--
334
00:17:52,801 --> 00:17:55,667
who aren't what
we expected.
335
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:56,767
Yeah.
336
00:17:58,701 --> 00:17:59,701
So...
337
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:03,901
guess I'll...
338
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:06,133
take him to the park.
Okay.
339
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,033
[clearing throat]
340
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,501
You wanna come?
341
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:16,167
Yeah! Okay.
342
00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:20,801
Hey! I got a great idea.
This time we'll do something different.
343
00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:23,934
We'll go to a different park.
I know it. It's got swings.
344
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,567
Small bites
at first, Fred.
345
00:18:26,634 --> 00:18:28,167
Don't gobble.
Small bites.
346
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:38,167
[vacuum cleaner hum]
347
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:42,434
D.J., what are
you doing?
348
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:44,267
Gettin' a head start
on my punishment.
349
00:18:45,868 --> 00:18:48,501
Well, Dan, that explains
those mints on our pillow.
350
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,400
Turn it off, son.
351
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:54,567
[vacuum shuts down]
We need to talk to you.
352
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,801
It's about Lisa.
Oh.
353
00:18:56,868 --> 00:18:58,467
Yeah. See? We think
we figured out
354
00:18:58,534 --> 00:19:01,067
why you picked her
for your girlfriend.
355
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:03,868
I didn't pick her!
She picked me!
356
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,501
What your mom means is,
we know why you keep going out with her.
357
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:09,601
'Cause she tells me to!
358
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:13,934
Oh-- I wanna
like this girl!
359
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,100
Is something wrong?
360
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:17,267
Yeah, there is.
361
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:19,400
She doesn't treat you
very good, Deej.
362
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:20,934
And we think you're okay
with that because
363
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,167
you think-- that's the way
your mom treats me.
364
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:24,601
But you got it all wrong.
365
00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:26,367
Yeah. See,
me and your dad,
366
00:19:26,434 --> 00:19:30,400
we totally respect each
other. We're exactly equal in this house.
367
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:33,033
And you know why?
Because that's the way I want it.
368
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:38,400
I mean, sure, it may
look like she runs things around here.
369
00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:41,901
But-- there's a million ways
I get my own way around here.
370
00:19:41,968 --> 00:19:43,300
Like what?
371
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,200
Give him an example.
372
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:57,567
Oh, okay! Heh. Last month,
your mom wanted to tune up the truck.
373
00:19:57,634 --> 00:20:00,501
But that's something
I like to do! So I said, "No way!"
374
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,334
Yeah. And giving in
feels so good when you love someone.
375
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,067
Point is, son, you can't
let yourself get pushed around.
376
00:20:09,133 --> 00:20:11,868
So I should only like
girls who are wimpy?
377
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,801
No, exactly the opposite.
378
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:16,701
You should like a girl
who's tough enough to know what she wants,
379
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:20,267
but-- yet soft enough
to know how to get it.
380
00:20:20,334 --> 00:20:22,567
And she should have
a very wealthy father
381
00:20:22,634 --> 00:20:24,467
with an enlarged heart.
382
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:29,734
See, Deej, a strong woman--
383
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:33,234
is a joy forever.
384
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,734
But you always have to be
a very strong man.
385
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:43,167
Okay. I think
I got it.
386
00:20:43,234 --> 00:20:45,801
Yeah, well, you said
the same thing about long division.
387
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,300
Okay, I was going out
with Lisa
388
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,834
because I thought the lady
should boss the man around.
389
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:54,234
But that's wrong. Nobody
should boss anybody around.
390
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,033
Bingo! You pass!
We're proud of ya!
391
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,434
[laughs]
We sure are.
392
00:20:57,501 --> 00:20:59,701
Does that mean I get
to go to the lake with Lisa?
393
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:02,467
No, that means
you're grounded!
394
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:03,934
But your dad and I
are gonna go,
395
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,534
and we're gonna send you
a postcard.
396
00:21:06,634 --> 00:21:08,133
I hate this!
397
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,167
[chuckles] We make
a heck of a couple.
398
00:21:11,634 --> 00:21:13,934
Yeah, skip it, Dan.
The kid left the room.
399
00:21:16,534 --> 00:21:20,100
Hey. I heard you in there,
talkin' about why you're goin' out with Lisa.
400
00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:22,567
So?
So I thought you were goin' out with her
401
00:21:22,634 --> 00:21:24,234
'cause she slips you
the tongue.
402
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:27,267
Yeah. But I'm not gonna
tell them that!
403
00:21:37,601 --> 00:21:38,734
Where's D.J.?
404
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:42,200
He out back, cleaning
dog doo off my shoes.
405
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:44,501
Coulda stepped around it,
but I wasn't in the mood.
406
00:21:46,801 --> 00:21:48,300
Listen, Lisa.
407
00:21:48,367 --> 00:21:50,901
I think you're really
mistreating D.J.
408
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:53,467
Do you have any idea
the amount of crap
409
00:21:53,534 --> 00:21:57,267
I gotta take at school
for bein' D.J.'s girlfriend?
410
00:22:02,434 --> 00:22:05,133
Then why don't you just
break up with him, then?
411
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,467
'Cause he does do
one thing very well.
412
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:09,000
If you know what I mean.
413
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:12,834
Oh, God...
414
00:22:12,901 --> 00:22:16,567
Hey, Deej! Whaddaya say
we show David what makes me-- stick around?
415
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:18,234
No. I don't
wanna see this.
416
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:19,567
No, it's okay.
417
00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:28,000
God, I love this man!
418
00:22:54,501 --> 00:22:57,000
Closed-Captioned by
J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
419
00:22:57,050 --> 00:23:01,600
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