Original subtitles

[doorbell]

I'll be there in a second.

Why do people always interrupt us

whenever we start to fool around?

Well, it's all part of my plot, Fred.

I am trying to die without ever having another orgasm.

[doorbell]

Well, look who's up before the cartoons.

Is the baby up yet?

Up, shaved, showered, and gone to work.

He's in the nursery.

That kid is always here.

Well, he likes his cousin.

He should be playing with his friends.

Every day that kid comes over here,

and every day he's a little stranger

than the day before.

You know, you were gonna talk to Roseanne

about him coming over here all the time.

Hey, you guys, look what I did!

Oh!

[laughing nervously] Look at that, Fred.

Oh, what a clever boy.

He's got our only child in a cooking pot.

Just let me have my pot.

Um, can I have that box?

Why?

Well, 'cause this kid at school

taught me to eat cardboard.

Wanna see? I can eat the whole box in an hour.

D.J., if you're hungry, just go in the kitchen

and get some of those rice cakes in there.

They taste just like cardboard

and they won't bind you up so bad.

Okay.

I think there's something really wrong with that kid.

I can't keep him from coming here

without hurting Roseanne.

Oh, yeah.

At least you got your priorities straight.

After all, Roseanne is the father of your child.

I will talk to her.

Let me just think of a very gentle way

of telling Roseanne that you hate her son.

I don't hate him.

I just think he's a little weird.

Why do you have to think of it that way?

I don't know why you can't appreciate him

the way my family always has.

You have a headache, D.J.?

Heh, not yet.

[laughing]

[mumbling] Where you going?

Mark's out of town and Darlene is coming home.

It's the perfect time for me to visit Aunt Jackie.

It's your mother's birthday Sunday.

You're not going anywhere.

Goodbye.

Sit down, Becky.

Now, look...

your mom doesn't want much for her birthday.

A new pair of shoes, dinner in a nice restaurant,

daughters who get along.

Let's be honest; the first two are a pipe-dream.

Dad, you can't make up with someone

who has no feelings.

Darlene is like a machine.

That's not true at all. Machines can't hate.

Look, I meant what I told her.

I think she's a cold-hearted brat

who doesn't care about anyone but herself.

Look, I probably shouldn't tell you this...

but when I was talking to Darlene

about coming home this weekend,

she was actually crying.

She thinks you hate her.

Really?

Darlene was crying?

And not just a little.

Remember that time when she was ten

and we told her that she wasn't adopted?

Like that.

Wow. I didn't know.

Hey, Dad, is the box the refrigerator came in

still in the garage?

D.J., do me a favor and don't eat the refrigerator box.

And why don't you go upstairs and unpack.

Okay.

What's that suitcase made out of?

Go.

Why can't I eat the box the refrigerator came in?

Because eating cardboard can ruin your life.

You could end up in the street,

living in a box.

Then you'll eat the box and you'll be homeless.

I'm home.

Oh, Dad, I just feel so bad.

It's okay, little girl. We'll get through it.

I just couldn't believe it when I got your message.

How did Nana Mary die?

Oh, it was... just something fatal.

I'm just so glad you're home.

Dad, well, of course I'm home.

I mean, what do you think of me?

Oh, well, I didn't know.

I mean, you wouldn't come home for your mom's birthday

'cause you were so mad at Becky.

Yeah, but this is, like, a whole different thing.

I mean, my great-grandmother is dead.

Darlene, I've got some happy news.

Nana Mary's alive!

What?

She's not even sick. Isn't that great?

Wait...

I can't believe that you faked

my great-grandmother's death just to get me home.

That's horrible.

That's disgusting.

That's like something Mom would do.

Yeah, thanks.

Actually, I kinda thought of it

as a present for her.

Look, Darlene, it's good to have you home.

No matter what I said to you before,

I'm still your big sister.

Actually, Becky, I think of you

more as a big cyst.

You told me she came home to make up.

Oh, I did.

I came home to make up a list of losers.

Let's see, there's you and your husband and--

Well, that's it.

That's enough. Both of you.

Now, I want you two to make up and get along.

[scoffs] Forget this.

I'm not staying here if no one's dead.

And brain-dead doesn't count.

You're not going anywhere.

Now look, I can't make you two guys really like each other,

but it's your mom's birthday

and I can damn sure make you fake it for her.

Oh, this is insane.

Yeah, maybe so, but get your coats on.

We have a little show to put on for your mother.

Fine.

Bitch. Skag.

Nice hair. Nice life.

Go to hell. Go to the mall.

We can rehearse more in the car.

I'm going out for about an hour, Roseanne.

Can I pick up anything?

Yeah, uh...

a hitch-hiker with an ax.

I have been handling all the tables all day.

What have you been doing?

Well, somebody has to sit here and handle all the complaints

about the slow service.

Hey, honey...

look who came home to celebrate your birthday.

Oh, isn't that great?

How did you keep 'em from fighting on the way over?

You used that old trick where you put one

in the front seat and one in the trunk.

Fighting? Oh, no, not these two angels.

Watch this, honey.

Becky, don't you have something to say to Darlene?

I love you.

Darlene, don't you have something say to Becky?

I love you more.

That is so wonderful, Dan.

You've gotten our two daughters stoned.

Nope, just sat 'em down

and gave 'em a good talking-to.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hurry.

The Lobo's only open for another seven hours.

I'm not buying it, you guys.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie look more in love than you.

Well, that's it.

You can stop pretending that you don't hate me.

Well, it's not that I hate you, Becky.

I just hate all vegetables.

You're the vegetarian.

Eat me.

Okay, so that's enough.

Now, we have a wonderful, loving family,

and you two little bitches are not gonna ruin it.

You're gonna be loving, caring sisters

just like me and Jackie.

Fine.

I'll sleep with every guy in town

and you can gain 400 pounds.

You know, Roseanne, that reminds me.

Could you, um, tell D.J.

to stop hanging around my place so much?

Why?

Well, the baby could catch something.

D.J. must pick up a lot of germs at school.

Germs can't live on D.J.; the lice eat 'em right up.

No, I'm serious.

Just tell him not to come by.

What's going on, Jackie?

Nothing.

[stuttering]

It's just D.J. sometimes gets on my nerves.

Yeah? So?

He gets on my nerves too.

That's why I send him over to your house.

Well, he has been doing some odd things lately

and I would just like if you kept him away.

Yeah, could you keep him away from me too?

Don't get me wrong. I like D.J.

I just like him more when I'm not around him.

Hey, you like him more than I do.

So, what? You don't like your little nephew?

Just because you didn't meet him in a bar

doesn't mean that he's not a good guy.

What are you getting so defensive about?

You did just call her son a mentally defective freak.

I said he was annoying.

And now you're harping on it.

Don't worry about it, Jackie.

You won't ever have to see D.J. again.

Roseanne! No!

I'm not taking the chance

that you could hurt his feelings.

It's gonna be bad enough when I tell him

all the terrible things you've said.

Okay, fine. Just--

I give up. I never meant to hurt D.J.

You think your kid's so great.

At least my kid doesn't crap in his pants.

You know, Leon...

uh, I'd be happy to drop that off at the bank for you

and, you know, you can close up.

[snickers] Right.

That's just what I should do,

give Roseanne's daughter all the money

to the restaurant.

And then later, I'll ask your mother

if she'll guard my pork for me.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey.

Do you mind if I sit here?

I don't know.

It might be a little easier for me to ignore you

if you stayed over there.

Uh, listen, last time you were home,

I said some things that were kind of harsh

about how you and I never connected.

That's okay, David.

I mean, I kind of agreed with you.

Oh, really?

Well, still, I might have gone a little overboard

when I called you cold and mean.

Don't worry about it, David.

Let's face it, our relationship

was a bit of a joke.

I don't know if I would go that far.

It's not like we ever really talked

or opened up or anything.

God knows the sex was pretty pathetic, huh?

I held back a lot 'cause I didn't want

to intimidate you.

God, when I think of how hot the sex is with Jimmy,

it really makes me laugh.

Gotta go.

I'll see you later, okay?

Listen, Darlene, I really am glad

that you've found somebody that you can get close to.

Oh, hey. Hi.

I thought you left already.

No, I just stayed to cut some onions

and I just started thinking about all the people

that don't have onions.

Oh, come on, Jackie, Mom's gonna forgive you

for calling D.J. weird.

Hell, she forgave me for writing

"Please point at me and scream"

in permanent Magic Marker on his forehead.

There's no way you can help me.

Yeah, that's right. I can't help you.

I'd be a terrible person for anyone to confide in.

What?

Well, I'm a cold and unfeeling person

who can't get close to anybody.

Darlene, that's not what I'm saying.

Oh, yeah, right. Darlene, what--

What to you mean you can't get close to anybody?

You've been seeing Jimmy for months.

Yeah, we broke up.

Oh.

Yeah, I lied.

He dumped me.

Apparently, he couldn't get close to me either.

Well...

did you ever have a dog?

Yeah, thanks, Aunt Jackie.

Darlene, I was crying because I lied

to your mother about D.J.

What? Yes.

'Cause I do like D.J. [sobs]

Yeah, I mean, that would upset me too.

It's Fred who thinks that D.J. is weird.

Wait, so then why are you taking the blame for Fred?

Because Fred and your mother both want to be

the most important person in my life.

If your mother knew that Fred wanted this,

then she would want me to choose her over him.

Oh. And now she hates me.

And I hate it when she hates me.

Uh, sorry.

So...

do you feel better that I confided in you?

Yeah, I do.

[sniveling]

'Cause I feel better too.

[sobbing]

Uh, would you stop if I gave you a hug?

I-- [whimpers]

See, you're--you're very good at this.

I'm sorry, I know. I'd better hurry up.

Dinner out with Jackie and Fred.

Where's my fancy eatin'-pants.

No, we're not going to go out with those two.

I just had a big fight with Jackie

about D.J. being weird.

Which side did you take?

Which side do you think?

You said he wasn't?

D.J. is not weird, Dan.

He's just marching to the beat

of a weird drummer.

She thinks that he's so weird that she doesn't even want him

around her house anymore.

My God, this is serious, Roseanne.

We gotta do something.

I know, he won't go around her house anymore.

[sighs] D.J., come down here!

Well, fine, then you sit your teenage son down here

and you tell him that his aunt

just doesn't want him around anymore.

And while you're at it, why don't you just tell him

that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Yeah?

Sit down, son.

Listen, Deej...

we think you should spend more time here

and less at Jackie's.

How come?

Well, because your Aunt Jackie's been real busy lately

cooking, cleaning, and hating the innocent.

Doesn't Aunt Jackie want me to come over?

Oh, well...

sometimes grown-ups, like your Aunt Jackie--

We just miss you around here!

What do you want to go over there for anyway?

Well, I have to go over there.

Why?

Well, you see, Becky and Darlene are sisters,

and Mom and Aunt Jackie are sisters,

and Mark and David are brothers,

and Mom's new baby is gonna be a girl,

so I'm the only one who can be Andy's brother.

He needs me.

Oh.

Well, go on, big guy,

why don't you just take Tiny Tim's crutch

and beat him over the head with it?

No, I'm gonna go find the other kids

and tell 'em D.J.'s my favorite.

Doesn't Aunt Jackie like me anymore?

Yeah, of course she likes you; she likes you a lot.

In fact, she's worried that Andy might even

get jealous about it.

So next time you're there playing with Andy,

if Aunt Jackie tells you that you're hanging around too much,

just play along with it.

You know, tell her to shut up and then wink at her.

Okay.

Mom, you shouldn't have told D.J.

he could play with Andy.

Well, Jackie's just being a big idiot.

Andy's not gonna get hurt.

D.J.'s way past the "let's cut it open

and see how it works" phase.

Well, it's not Aunt Jackie's fault.

She doesn't mind D.J.

What are you talking about?

Well, Jackie told me that it's Fred

that doesn't want D.J. around.

She's just going along with him.

She is dead.

So what, you're gonna go over there

and yell at her for taking Fred's side over yours?

No, I'm gonna yell at her for lying to me.

Bull.

For the first time in her life,

Jackie's putting Fred before you

and you can't stand that.

You think she should always put you

before her own husband.

I do not.

I wouldn't even think anything like that.

Actually, Mom, Darlene's right.

I mean, you always want me to put you in front of Mark.

That is not true.

What I said was, we should put Mark in front of a bus.

Mark getting hit by a bus?

Doesn't she have any feelings?

Doesn't she realize how many people

would be late for work?

Fine, Darlene.

I'm sorry I tried to help you.

Wait.

Um...

Never mind. Keep going.

Wait.

[stuttering] Uh, I--

I just wanna say...

Never mind.

Wait.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, there's--

there's this question that's been bothering me.

Okay, if me and Fred were in a terrible accident

and we both needed a kidney,

and you had the kidney to give,

where would you want Fred buried?

Did Darlene talk to you?

Yes.

I can't believe that you really think

that I would expect to be more important to you

than your own husband; I'd never do that.

Roseanne, you wanted to stand between us at the altar.

That was a joke!

I know you have to put your husband before me.

I don't like it, but I accept it.

All right, thanks.

[groaning]

All right, come on. We're all right.

Cheer up.

Hey, hey, Mom's got a mole

that changed colors twice this week.

It's not us that I'm worried about.

I'm worried about me and Fred.

Why? What do you mean?

Whenever I have to choose between you and Fred,

I always wanna choose you.

That's terrible.

It is terrible, Roseanne.

Fred thinks that I always put you before him and he's right.

What does that say about my marriage?

I know you always put Dan first.

That's not true, Jackie. I'm just as bad as you.

I put me first, too.

I'm in big trouble, Roseanne.

Fred thinks that he should be the most important person

in the world to me and, until I can give him that,

things aren't going to be okay between us.

[door opens]

Hey, Roseanne.

You're parked in my spot.

Hi, Fred.

I suppose you want me to move it for him.

Right, Jackie? What?

Of course I'll move my car for him.

And I'll keep my kid out of here for him.

Anything else I can do for him, Jackie?

Well, Roseanne, I have to put him first.

He is my husband.

But Jackie-- No, no.

I took vows.

Thanks, Jackie.

Roseanne, I'm sorry, but this was bound to happen.

I know.

But you've gotta understand, Fred,

she's not just my sister, she's my best friend.

This hurts.

Oh, gee...

Man, I didn't wanna hurt you.

That's okay, Fred.

I still have my work.

Well, wait a minute. You know...

Jackie, maybe D.J. can come over.

No, no, Fred.

You don't want him, end of story.

No, no, no, no. He's a good kid.

He can come over every once in a while.

Thank you, Fred.

Four or five times a week, tops.

I promise.

Heh, great.

Hey, why don't we go out to dinner like we planned?

No, Roseanne, Fred really doesn't want to.

Well, okay.

I guess I'll just go home and spend some quality time

with my husband...

though I'm not sure our marriage can take it.

Oh, wait a minute. No, no.

It's not that I didn't wanna go out with you and Dan,

it's just that I didn't wanna go out.

Well, maybe we could just eat here.

If that's okay with you, Fred.

Okay.

Great. I'll tell you what, why don't you give Dan a call

and tell him to bring D.J. too.

Wow.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm D.J. What's your name?

[scoffs]

Well, I know I may not look like much now,

but in a few years, I'm gonna look like this.

Hi, D.J.

I'm Jennifer.

Cardboard, it does a body good.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0