Original subtitles

SO, FRED AND I WERE TALKING, AND WE DECIDED

THIS YEAR FOR HALLOWEEN INSTEAD OF CANDY,

WE'RE GONNA GIVE OUT CARROT STICKS.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING HEALTHY, TOO.

WE'RE GIVING OUT FILTERED CIGARETTES.

HEY, ROSE.

TRICK OR TREAT, HONEY.

NO, SHE DON'T TURN TRICKS AT WORK NO MORE.

I'LL GET YOUR LUNCHES.

WELL, IF IT'S NOON AND IT'S 40 POUNDS,

IT MUST BE THE CITY GARAGE BOYS.

HELLO, FRED.

LEON.

YOUR FRIES WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EAT LIKE THIS

AND STILL MAINTAIN THAT...

BODY.

HA HA...HA.

JUST LUCKY, I GUESS. RIGHT, HONEY?

I'D HAVE TO SAY SHE'S THE LUCKY ONE.

WELL, REMEMBER, LADIES, WE CLOSE AT 2:00 TOMORROW

SO I CAN PREPARE FOR MY HALLOWEEN SOIREE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE THAT TIME TO WORK ON YOUR COSTUMES

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE

ONE OF YOUR LAME LITTLE LODGE PARTIES.

HEY, OUR LODGE PARTIES WERE NOT LAME.

THE COPS HAD TO COME EVERY YEAR.

PLEASE, ROSEANNE.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HALLOWEEN IS OUR HOLIDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BREEDERS

ARE TRYING TO TAKE BACK HALLOWEEN.

OH, PLEASE.

I WAS DOING HALLOWEEN

SINCE BEFORE THERE EVEN WERE ANY GAY PEOPLE.

ROSEANNE, LEON IS THE QUEEN

OF HALLOWEEN.

YOU WISH.

I'M THE QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN.

AND I AM NOT ABOUT TO GIVE UP MY CROWN

TO ANY MARY COME LATELY.

WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE

AND BESIDES, I HAVE A THING.

WELL, THAT'S PERFECT. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR GUYS WITH THINGS.

HEY, DON'T WORRY, BIG GUY.

WE DON'T BITE.

HARD AS IT IS NOT TO SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW, LEON, I'M NOT COMING TO THE PARTY.

IF I DID COME, I'D COME WITH MY WIFE

WHO I SLEEP WITH,

AND I HAVE SEX WITH. LOTS OF SEX.

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

SO JUST GIVE ME SOME SPACE.

YES, SIR.

HA. METHINKS YOUNG FRED DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

WHAT'S HE MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT GUYS WHO WHINE ABOUT GAY MEN.

NO, WHAT DO THEY SAY?

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL WANTS TO GET GREASED.

OOH, OOH, OOH.

GHOSTS, GOBLINS, AND GHOULS.

SPOOKY, SPOOKY.

MOM, SHOULDN'T YOU BE HOME, DRINKING ALONE?

FYI, NANCY'S FIXING ME A TAKEOUT,

AND YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PRANKSTER AFOOT THIS YEAR.

I'VE COOKED UP A LITTLE SCHEME FOR EACH OF MY DAUGHTERS,

SO BOOGIE, BOOGIE, BOOGIE.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FAKE YOUR DEATH AGAIN THIS YEAR,

GOD, THAT WAS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.

WHY, ROSEANNE, I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING INTO COSTUME.

YOU GOT A BIG PATCH OF GRAY RIGHT THERE.

OH, I GET IT. YEAH. MY HAIR'S GRAY,

MY REFRIGERATOR'S RUNNING,

I HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN THE CAN.

GOD, WILL IT NEVER CEASE WITH YOU, MOTHER?

OH, PIFFLE.

THAT GRAY HAIR CERTAINLY ISN'T MY WORK.

MY LITTLE TRICK ON YOU

WILL PUT THE "O" IN HALLOWEEN.

HERE YOU GO, BEV. WE RAN OUT OF NAPKINS,

SO I THREW IN A COUPLE OF EXTRA BUNS FOR YOU.

IF I'M GOING TO EAT ALL THIS,

I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE ROOM

FOR THIS CAN OF PEANUT BRITTLE.

JACKIE, YOU USED TO BE SO FOND OF IT--

OH, HEY! MOM...

AND WE GOT YOU YOUR FAVORITE MACADAMIA NUTS.

MACADAMIA NUTS.

THEY ARE, YOU KNOW, MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.

YUMMY, YUMMY, YUM--

OH, SNAKES! AH!

FINE! YOU'VE RUINED AN OLD WOMAN'S PRANK.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME?

WHY?

WELL, MOM'S CRYING.

HALLOWEEN HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET MOM TALK YOU

INTO COMING TO HER OLD BIDDY SALON.

LOOK AT THESE WOMEN.

YOU KNOW,THEY SAY YOUR HAIR KEEPS GROWING AFTER YOU DIE,

AND APPARENTLY IT'S TRUE.

HEY, JACKIE!

KYLE!

HI. HI.

MWAH. MWAH.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, GIRLFRIEND.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

IS THAT YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND?

NO, THAT'S A BUDDY OF FRED'S.

I THINK THEY PLAY SOFTBALL TOGETHER.

OH, REALLY? WAS FRED PITCHING OR CATCHING?

YOU KNOW, LEON IS WRONG.

FRED DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GAY PEOPLE.

HE'S BEEN FRIENDS WITH KYLE FOR YEARS.

Kyle: DOLL, THOSE STREAKS ARE TO DIE!

WELL, MAYBE HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS GAY.

HI, I'M ANTONIO.

HOW MUCH COLOR ARE WE TALKING TODAY?

WELL, NOT A LOT. I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO MY NATURAL COLOR--

HAWAIIAN.

BOY, YOU REALLY DO HAVE A LOT OF GRAY UP THERE.

OUR MOTHER WENT GRAY VERY SUDDENLY.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, YEAH. THAT WAS THE DAY SHE FOUND MY UNDERWEAR

IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

NO, WHAT I MEANT IS HAIR IS HEREDITARY ON THE MOTHER'S SIDE,

SO WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR MOM

IS PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

OH, GREAT. I'M GOING TO FIND A BUFFALO HEAD NICKEL

AND TALK ABOUT IT FOR 25 YEARS.

WELL, LOOK AT THESE. I GUESS THERE'S

WORSE THINGS THAN GOING GRAY.

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MOM'S HAIR.

ROSEANNE, THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE MOM'S HAIR.

SAME EXACT COLOR. SAME EXACT STYLE.

ROSEANNE, THAT IS MOM'S HAIR!

OUR MOM WEARS A WIG. YOU THINK SHE'S BALD?

NO WAY.

IF SHE'S BALD, THAT MEANS THAT WE COULD GO BALD.

THIS IS HER HAIR.

LOOK--LOOK AT THIS.

[IMITATING BEV] OH, ROSEANNE!

A WOMAN OF YOUR SIZE SHOULDN'T WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES.

YOU SHOULD WEAR BLACK OR STAY HOME.

AND ANOTHER THING, DEAR. I DON'T MEAN TO ALARM YOU,

BUT I THINK YOUR LITTLE D.J. MIGHT BE RETARDED.

HEY, MARK, HOW COME EVERYBODY'S TALKING

ABOUT LEON'S HALLOWEEN PARTY

LIKE IT'S GONNA BE SO DIFFERENT?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WELL, SEE, THERE ARE GOING TO BE A LOT PEOPLE THERE THAT ARE...

YOU KNOW, SORT OF--UH...

D.J., GET OUT OF HERE NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. MARK, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH?

'CAUSE I CAN'T TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.

ANY GUY WHO'S COMFORTABLE WITH HIMSELF

DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT THIS. D.J., SIT DOWN.

WHAT MARK MEANT TO TELL YOU

IS THAT LEON'S PARTY IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT

'CAUSE THERES GONNA BE A LOT OF GAY PEOPLE THERE.

OH. WHAT DOES GAY MEAN?

[CLEARS THROAT] UH...

WELL, THAT'S A FINE QUESTION, D.J.

UM, SEE,

SOMETIMES BOYS HAVE BOYFRIENDS,

AND, UH,

SOMETIMES GIRLS HAVE GIRLFRIENDS,

AND THESE PEOPLE ARE CALLED GAY.

WELL, I HAVE BOYS WHO ARE FRIENDS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

ALL RIGHT. UM...

SEE, UH,

BOYS WHO HAVE BOYFRIENDS...

DO THINGS WITH-- WITH THEIR FRIENDS

THAT A BOY WHO HAS A FRIEND

WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A BOY

WOULD PROBABLY NEVER DO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, ME, NEITHER.

SEE...

WHEN TWO MEN LOVE EACH OTHER,

THEY, UH, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,

THEY LIKE TO SHARE EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS

FOR ONE ANOTHER...

THROUGH...

BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSIONS OF, UH...

PHYSICAL LOVE.

HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

IF A GUY'S COMFORTABLE WITH HIMSELF,

HE ISN'T AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THIS, YOU FRUIT.

OK. UH...

SEE...

ONE GUY WILL, UH...

UH, HE AND THE OTHER GUY...

THEY, UH...

SEE, WHAT THEY DO IS, UH...

OH, GOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO!

LEAVE ME ALONE, D.J.

THAT WAS GREAT. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO START CRYING.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE ARCADE.

WE CAN LISTEN TO IT AGAIN ON THE WAY.

[TAPE REWINDING]

Dan: YEAH, HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY, HOW YOU DOING? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, HOW YOU DOING, BUD?

ROSEANNE, I THINK THESE GUYS ARE CHECKING ME OUT.

NO ONE CAN TELL WE'RE A COUPLE.

OUR COSTUMES SHOULD HAVE HAD A THEME.

THEY DO. I'M PRINCE, AND YOU'RE THE DUKE.

EXCUSE ME, COWBOY.

DIANA ROSS JUST WINKED AT ME.

REALLY? IT'S A GUY, DAN.

THAT CAN'T BE A GUY. HE'S GOT BREASTS.

REALLY BEAUTIFUL BREASTS.

WELL, SURE, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL NOW,

BUT JUST WAIT TILL HE HAS A COUPLE OF KIDS.

HEY, THERE'S MOM.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU THAT THAT HAIR CANNOT BE REAL.

LOOK AT THAT.

EVEN WILLIAM SHATNER WOULD MAKE FUN OF THAT PIECE.

COME ON, ROSEANNE. IT'S THE SAME HAIR SHE'S ALWAYS HAD.

WELL, THAT IS PRECISELY MY POINT.

I MEAN, HER FACE LOOKS LIKE A DRIED-UP OLD APPLE,

AND SHE'S GOT THE SAME HAIRDO FOR 20 YEARS.

GO OVER THERE AND START TALKING TO HER AND DISTRACT HER

SO I CAN GET IN THERE FOR A CLOSER LOOK.

AW, DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO HER.

HOW ABOUT IF I JUST KNOCK HER UNCONSCIOUS,

AND YOU RIP HER HAIR OFF?

YOO-HOO, ROSEANNE!

FORGET ABOUT GOING BALD.

WORRY ABOUT INHERITING THAT VOICE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY HOBO COSTUME?

WELL, I THINK IT'S GREAT, BUT, UM,

YOU SHOULD LET ME STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR HAIR 'CAUSE IT'S KINDA MESSY.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MESSY. I'M A VAGABOND.

I RIDE THE RAILS AND LIVE BY MY WITS.

I KNOW, BUT LET ME STRAIGHTEN IT 'CAUSE IT'S TILTED.

I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP.

WELL.

WELL, YOUR PARTY IS IN FULL SWISH.

LET'S SEE. ALL IN PURPLE, LET ME GUESS.

YOU'RE EITHER ONE OF THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS

OR BARNEY.

AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE BECKY'S GYM TEACHER.

NO, I THINK YOU KNOW WHO I AM. HMM?

MANY IN WASHINGTON FEEL I HAVE TOO MUCH POWER,

AND I CONTROL THE PRESIDENT. HMM?

I ALWAYS WEAR SENSIBLE BUT FEMININE DRESSES.

J. EDGAR HOOVER?

NO.

I'M HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON.

HOOVER WOULD NEVER WEAR TAUPE.

HE WAS AN AUTUMN.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MR. PRESIDENT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO YOU

MWAH. I LOVE YOU, JACK.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT.

GOOD-BYE, NORMA JEAN.

HOLY RENTED COSTUMES, BATMAN.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET HIM TO COME.

HE THINKS A SUPERHERO COSTUME MAKES HIM LOOK MACHO.

FRED, STOP HIDING BEHIND THE CAPE.

I DON'T WANT THESE GUYS

CHECKING OUT MY UTILITY BELT.

HEY, FRED.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING? CAN WE GO NOW?

NO! WE'RE HAVING FUN.

HOW'S IT GOING, FRED?

HEY, DAVE.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S A GREAT COSTUME, UH, DAVE, IS IT?

UH-HUH.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN FRED?

I USED TO KNOW HIM BEFORE HE STOPPED

COMING TO THE BARS AND EVERYTHING.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT FRED IS GAY?

HONEY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S TRYING TO BE STRAIGHT.

OK, GUYS AND GALS,

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

OH, GREAT. ARE WE GOING TO CANE SOMEBODY?

NO, IT'S LIMBO TIME.

HAVE YOU SEEN FRED?

UM, NO.

I, UH-- I HAVE TO FIND DAN.

Dan: THE OLD SQUAD HAD THIS CRAB-STYLE, IT WAS JUST, BOP!

DAN, DAN, DAN, I GOTTA SEE YOU ALONE

IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW.

AH, SURE, LITTLE LADY. THIS COWPOKE WOULDN'T MIND

A LITTLE RIDE ON THE RANGE.

OH!

DAN, FRED IS GAY.

WHAT?

I WAS JUST TALKING TO THIS DIANA ROSS GUY,

AND HE SAID THAT FRED USED TO BE GAY.

FRED? FRED'S NOT GAY.

FRED IS GAY, OK? HE'S THE GAYEST.

HE'S GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY.

I GET IT.

OLD DANNY BOY'S NOT FALLING FOR THE OLD FRED-IS-GAY PRANK.

YOU DID A LOT BETTER WHEN YOU GOT THAT DOCTOR

TO TELL YOUR MOM SHE ONLY HAD A WEEK TO LIVE.

DAN, THAT IS NOT MY PRANK

BECAUSE THIS IS MY PRANK.

WOW, GOOD PRANK, ROSEANNE.

MRS. CONNER, CAN I GET DOWN NOW? I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES.

SHUT UP!

NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

SECOND OF ALL, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

JACKIE HAS TO KNOW, DAN.

I MEAN, YOU CAN GO STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND ALL YOU WANT,

BUT I WOULD NOT DO IT AROUND FRED IF I WAS YOU.

UH, HEY, LEON, WHERE'S JACKIE AND FRED?

UH, FRED RAN OUT, AND JACKIE RAN AFTER HIM.

I THINK THE CAPED CRUSADER

WAS AFRAID OF BEING UNMASKED.

OH, LEON, PUT A SOCK IN IT.

DON'T NEED TO.

[KNOCKING]

YEAH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, WELL, I HEARD THAT YOU AND FRED RAN OUT OF THE PARTY,

AND SO, I WAS JUST KIND OF WORRIED.

ARE YOU GUYS OK?

YEAH. HE WENT STRAIGHT TO BED.

I DON'T--SOMETHING UPSET HIM AT THE PARTY.

WELL, I WANT TO ASK YOUR ADVICE ABOUT SOMETHING.

UM, AT THE PARTY TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THERE WAS THIS GUY, YOU KNOW?

AND, UM, I, UM--

I FOUND OUT THAT HE'S REALLY GAY.

AND, I MEAN, HE'S A NICE GUY, SEE, BUT HE'S MARRIED.

AND I DON'T THINK HE'S TOLD HIS WIFE THE TRUTH.

OH, WOW.

YEAH. SO, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TELL HER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S A HARD ONE.

NO, I WOULDN'T.

WELL, I WOULD. FRED IS GAY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST A LOT OF GUYS AT THE PARTY, THEY KNOW FRED,

LIKE YOU KNOW HIM, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, A DIFFERENT SIDE OF HIM.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

PLEASE. THERE IS NO WAY THAT FRED COULD BE GAY.

I MEAN, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS

THAT A WIFE KNOWS ABOUT HER HUSBAND.

OK. JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE, JACKIE.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER NOTICED ANYTHING A LITTLE ODD ABOUT FRED?

NO. LIKE WHAT?

LIKE WHEN HE CAME BACK FROM CHICAGO WITH THAT HAIRCUT.

FRED LIKES TO TRY NEW THINGS.

WITH HIS HAIR. ONLY WITH HIS HAIR.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE'S ONLY SLEPT WITH 3 WOMEN

IN HIS WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT? SO THAT LEAVES A LOT OF FREE NIGHTS.

AND YOU KNOW THAT HE'S ALWAYS ADMIRED YOUR BOYISH FIGURE.

THAT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING, ROSEANNE.

DIDN'T HE TAKE YOU TO SEE

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT, PART III?

OH, MY GOD!

GO AWAY. GO AWAY!

LEAVE US ALONE. WE ARE AS GOD MADE US.

OH, HO, HO!

WE'RE EVERYWHERE, ROSEANNE.

OK, I PROPOSE A TOAST TO THE ALL-TIME GREATEST PRANK

IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.

ROSEANNE, COME ON. COME ON BACK.

THINK WE WENT TOO FAR?

I DON'T KNOW. DAN, YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE WORN PANTS?

NOT NOW, FRED. WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE SHOWER.

ROSIE!

COME ON, DON'T BE MAD. IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

GREAT PICTORIAL FOR THE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER.

HEY, DAN, IF YOU'RE STILL GAY,

I COULD GO FOR A MIMOSA AND SOME EGGS FLORENTINE.

I DON'T COOK FOR YOU.

I'M FRED'S BITCH.

ADMIT IT, ROSEANNE. WE GOT YOU.

YOU WERE TOTALLY FREAKED.

YOU KNOW, THE REALLY AMAZING THING

WAS NOT THAT DAN WAS GAY,

BUT THAT HE WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO FRED.

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, MISSY!

YOU KNOW, MOM, NO ONE WRITES LETTERS ANYMORE.

AND I THINK YOU'RE JUST THE PERSON

TO REVIVE THAT LOST ART.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WENT

TO MY BEAUTY PARLOR YESTERDAY

AND ASKED ANTONIO ABOUT MY HAIR.

YOU WENT BACK THERE?

OH, CHILL OUT, MOM. HE DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.

YOU'VE GOT THE ONLY HAIRDRESSER IN TOWN THAT DOESN'T DISH.

HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY,

BUT IN FRONT OF MY HAIRDRESSER?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DECENCY? HOW DARE YOU!

WELL, MOM, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST CURIOUS.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON UNDER THIS HAIR?

YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

WELL, YEAH.

FINE. FACE YOUR FUTURE, ROSEANNE.

AAH!

[CRYING]

DON'T FEEL BAD, ROSEANNE.

YOU WON'T BE BALD ALONE.

I'M WITH YOU, TOO, SIS.

AH HA HA!

GOD, MOM, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU HAD THAT IN YOU.

ADMIT IT, ROSEANNE.

YOU'RE NOT THE CLEVEREST TRICKSTER

IN THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

HA HA HA!

WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS SHOWED ME

THIS HALLOWEEN, DIDN'T YOU?

7 BALD PEOPLE IN MY KITCHEN.

I'M JUST SO ASHAMED.

I HAVE NOTHING TO TOP THAT WITH.

OH. EXCEPT FOR...

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