Original subtitles

** [harmonica]

Hey? What?

I gotta talk to ya.

Oh, come on. I had a rough night.

I can't talk right now.

Well, I can see why you'd be tired,

being out with my wife all night.

We went out for coffee.

Well, I don't want her spending so much time with you.

I mean, she sees you writing poems and reading books,

then she expects me to be some kind of freak, too.

Mark, she does not expect you to read.

Oh, yeah? Then why is she asking me

what I'm thinking about every five minutes?

Like I'm thinking all the time.

I'm sorry. Are you guys having problems?

No, it's...

I don't know. It's just we used to talk a lot,

and lately, it's as if we got nothing left to say to each other.

Wow.

Well, what did you used to talk about?

I don't know. Uh...

"What kind of car do you drive?" Uh...

"What's your middle name?"

That's okay, Mark.

Yeah, but if I keep asking her what her middle name is

she's gonna think I'm some kind of idiot.

You know, Mark,

any relationship goes through phases,

and only by talking about your feeling with each other

can you ever get to the next level.

So you're the one she got that crap from.

[Dan] Mark! David! I need a hand!

Water pipe burst and the basement's flooded.

Mark, go get my wrench.

D.J., David's staying with you tonight.

No way! Darlene doesn't have to sleep with him!

How come I do?

Good. You can stay in the basement.

You'll finally get some use out of those webbed toes of yours.

David, you better get down there

You're not really a member of this family anyway.

Young man, I don't ever want to hear you talking like that again.

If he moves into the garage, I might have to move my tools.

You better pray I fall asleep before you do.

You want me to help you get your stuff from downstairs?

I'll do it later.

Something wrong?

[sighs] I don't know.

Maybe I just need to get away from this house.

Oh, that. That's just a phase.

You won't get over it.

You wanna talk about it?

[sighs] No, I can't tell you about people.

It's much too disgusting.

You'd think I was a total creep.

Oh, come on, David. We're friends.

I mean, if something's upsetting you, you can tell me.

Last night after we got back,

I had a dream and it kinda disturbed me.

You mean like a nightmare?

No, it was more like a...

an adult dream.

You mean about Darlene?

No, not Darlene.

Oh.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

I feel really uncomfortable talking to you about this.

David, I mean, it's not like you did anything.

In a way, it's kinda flattering.

What the hell you doing holding my wife's hand?

Hand? No. No hands.

She was just making me feel better.

Why don't you just ask her for a lap dance?

Could you possibly be more boorish?

Well, I am sorry I'm boring you, Becky.

What the hell are you doing holding his hand?

Like you care.

She loves you so much.

** [theme]

[laughs]

What time is it?

It's about...8:30.

You want some toast?

We're late.

Leon's gonna blow a gasket.

How about some blueberry pancakes?

From scratch? I'll get the bowl.

As soon as I finish my coffee,

I'll go to the store and get the blueberries.

You're sleeping on the floor again tonight.

That's not fair, D.J.

You know what? I don't care!

Mrs. Connor, help me out here.

Aren't we supposed to rotate who gets the bed

and who has to sleep on the floor?

That' right, D.J., just like your Dad and I do.

This sucks. I'm always the one stuck with David.

Well, fair is fair, D.J.

We wrote your name on a whole bunch of pieces of paper,

we put them in a hat.

And when we drew one out,

it said your name on it.

Come on, D.J. Having a roommate can be great.

The years I spent growing up in

the same room with your mom

are the happiest memories of my life.

Sybil, can you have Jackie come out now?

I hate the way you... chew your food!

It's all right. I won't be staying here much longer.

I, uh, I made a decision.

I'm gonna move out of the house.

What a coincidence. I made a decision, too.

No, you're not!

I've been thinking about getting my own apartment.

I just think it's time.

Well, time is a funny thing, David,

and it passes very slowly

when you're pinned under Mr. Connor's massive frame,

right, Dan?

Dan hurt David.

Wait a second, David.

You can't move out just 'cause of the other day.

Well, I can't live here with things the way they are.

What do you mean "the way they are"?

It's nothing, Mother.

Dan! Becky knows something that I don't know.

Becky, you can't know something your mother doesn't know!

I don't think David wants you to find out.

That's ridiculous.

If he has something he doesn't want me to find out about,

then he should not be discussing it with anyone on my planet.

It's not a big deal.

David is just feeling weird 'cause he had this big dream

about me and him, you know... together.

And the two of you were being chased by a bear?

No, Dan. My guess is... they were having sex.

Oh, God.

I should have known you couldn't deal with this.

I will handle it. Just leave it alone.

Man, oh, man.

David and Becky.

We got us a problem here, Roseanne.

Yeah. What if Mark won't bow out gracefully?

He's fantasizing about his brother's wife, for God's sake.

Calm down.

It's not like he ate the last piece of pie or nothing.

This is serious.

If he's dreaming it, he's gonna try and make it happen.

Oh, right. That reminds me,

I better get down to the supermarket

so I can walk around naked.

Look, he's a horny teenage boy.

If he wants to move out of the house,

I think we should let him, just to be safe.

We cannot control our kid's dreams, Dan.

We can only make sure they don't come true.

[Jackie] Uh, can I say something?

A dream like this can be interpreted in so many different ways.

We don't know what kind of sex it was.

We don't know where the sex took place.

How many people were involved.

My point is that sex dreams are rarely about sex.

Quite often they are merely a yearning for affection.

David could be longing for a puppy.

Or...a kind word.

But in the dream state, this desire

takes the form of, well, intercourse with Becky.

Look, Jackie,

you made a brand-new vein

stand out on Dan's head.

We're not done talking about this.

Man, I saw this coming.

All these unrelated kids under one roof.

It's an abomination.

We're breaking, like, 50 Commandments.

Well, that would explain the flood in the basement.

[football game playing on TV]

Why are you always following me?

What?

You know, you're in my room all night.

Now you have to follow me around all day, too?

What are you talking about? I was here first.

No, I was here first. You were not.

I've been here since 1981 when I was born.

Both of you... shut up.

Why do you have to sit so close?

I'm not.

You're always hanging around me.

Are you in love with me like you are with Becky?

Shut up.

What are you guys talking about?

I heard Becky telling Mom and Dad

that David had a sex dream about her.

What? No.

Listen, man this is not what you think.

That's bull. You wanna sleep with my wife.

Lay him. I want my room back.

Get up.

I've been working out you know.

Fight! Fight!

What's going on?

Mark's killing David. Oh, God!

What are you dreaming about my wife? Nothing!

What are you dreaming about Becky?

So Darlene dumped you and you thought you could

take a crack at my wife, is that it?

No! No!

Then what are you dreaming about her for?

I'm not! Liar!

Look, I didn't have a sex dream Becky, okay?

I didn't!

I had a dream about Mrs. Connor.

[D.J.] Now can we put him back in the basement?

Eating food at the grocery store is stealing.

I don't care what you say.

It is never considered stealing

when an unborn child has a craving.

How does an unborn child have a craving for Twinkies?

Well, you know how kids are.

They're easily swayed by advertising.

Look at this. He is serious about moving out.

Look, David circled apartment ads.

So what? That could be any of my kids...or Dan.

If you want,

I could talk to the boy about his Becky dreams.

I think this really ought to be handled

with a little bit of sensitivity.

David, I was just thinking about you.

Well...

I wasn't thinking about you, I swear.

Be gentle with him. I know!

Look, David, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable,

but you know, I want you to know

that we are, like, totally okay with this dream.

Oh, I'm uncomfortable.

I'm very uncomfortable now.

Maybe I can help.

David, what Mrs. Connor is trying to say

is that that this dream does not bother her at all.

Really?

So you're not mad?

Makes perfect sense.

You see her all day, you smell her perfume,

you brush up against her in the halls.

Bound to happen sooner or later.

I thought you'd be disgusted.

No.

You're a perfectly healthy adolescent boy.

Don't think you're the only kid

that's had these kind of thoughts.

Why do you think all of D.J.'s little friends

always wanna sleep over?

It's a part of life, David.

I mean you're a good-looking kid.

She may have dreams about you.

Sure.

What's going on?

Okay. I feel a lot better. I can go now.

Oh, we just wanna tell David

that we're all okay with his dream, right, Dan?

Well, if you say so.

I mean, the only important thing

is that you're, you know,

not considering acting on your impulses.

I would never.

Ever...ever.

I mean we are talking about a married woman here.

Jackie, Roseanne, can I see you in the kitchen?

Why, did you get your water dish stuck under the stove again?

[Dan laughs]

[whispering]

No, I think it's good that you talk about things,

'cause, uh...

a lot of guys might have kept something like that to themselves.

Rosie, you okay?

No, I'm not okay. This is horrible.

What are we gonna do?

What choice do we have?

You gotta give yourself to him.

It's not funny, Dan.

How am I gonna go out there and face him

when I know he's probably...

picturing me in my Terrycloth robe?

Just ignore him.

Then he'll think I'm playing hard to get.

Come on, Roseanne, it's just a stupid dream.

When you thought he was dreaming about Becky, it was no big deal.

Yeah, 'cause there's no threat with Becky.

She's happily married woman.

Okay, okay, if this is such a problem for you,

maybe David should move out.

Where could he go?

The only place that'd take him in

would put him to sleep in 5 days.

You're overreacting.

It's perfectly normal for a teenage boy

to have sex dreams about his girlfriend's mother.

I mean, even Mark might have--

Hey! You finish that sentence, I'll rip your heart out.

Someone's sensitive.

Well, how come when you thought it was about Becky you were so upset,

and then when it turns out to be about me you think it's so funny?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you something,

and I want you to keep in mind

the reason I'm telling you this

is to show how normal David is

and not that I'm some sort of...freak.

What? What is it?

Well, first, you gotta promise

that you won't make fun of me or get all weird.

Okay. I swear on the thing dearest to both of our hearts:

that expensive smoked cheese log

we got hidden in the fridge 'til the kids move out.

Okay.

When we were dating,

I had a dream, a very short one, about your mother.

Uggh!

That's disgusting, Dan!

How could you compare the beautiful thing David and I have to that?

Roseanne, you can't go and tell anyone about this.

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

So this is just like all teenage boys

have these kind of dreams about their girlfriend's mothers?

Girlfriend's mothers, their mother's friends,

their friend's girlfriends,

all the girls on the block,

all the girls on TV...

all the rest of 'em.

Men are so sick.

Oh, come on. Don't women dream about their boyfriend's fathers?

No, Dan.

Unlike men, women do not have to be disgusted

to get excited.

No, David, you're not dreaming,

I'm really here.

Mrs. Connor, listen,

I really want to apologize to you.

You have to know that I would never think of anything like that--

David! The whole idea is just so gross.

Okay, stop, right now.

That was just a dream which you could not control,

unlike what you are saying to me now.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm the worst person in the world.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm--I'm sick.

No, you're not sick, David, you're a normal teenage boy.

But I can understand how you get the two confused.

No, this is not normal.

Yes, it is.

A lot of, you know, guys fantasize about older women

that are, you know... really hot.

Where'd you hear that?

[chuckles]

Well, you gotta promise not to tell.

Uh...

Well, I--I saw it on Oprah.

Really? Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah, they had this guy on there.

You know, big guy, a real, kind of...

macho, blue-collar type of guy, you know.

Not much to look at. But, uh...

For some reason, he had this incredibly gorgeous wife, you know?

And he said that he had these dreams about her mother,

and her mother was a big old hag.

But see, this is different.

How?

Because that guys was talking about his girlfriend's mother,

and I just--I don't think of you that way anymore.

You don't? No.

I mean, I think of you as-- What?

I kinda think of you as, you know...my own mother.

Oh, you do?

Well, yeah. I've lived here, what, 2 years,

and you've taken better care of me than my own mother ever did.

David, I think it's great that you think of me as your mother.

No. See?

It just makes this whole dream thing much, much worse.

No. No, it doesn't, David.

'Cause you know...

uh, sex dreams,

they're really rarely ever about sex anyway, you know?

Maybe you're just feeling like you want a puppy.

Where did you get that?

Uh...

from the Oprah show.

You know--Well, they had this woman on the panel, right next to that big guy--

You know, this kinda skinny expert type.

Reminded me of Barney Fife, actually.

Uh, and she said that, you know, sex dreams are really not about sex,

they're just about yearning for, uh, affection.

Really? Yeah.

And you think she knew what she was talking about?

Well, she was an expert, David.

Mrs. Connor,

I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel.

Well, that's good. That's great.

Okay, so-- Can I have a hug now or...

What, I gotta get you drunk first?

I'm so glad that you think about me as your mother, David.

Well, I really do, Mrs. Connor.

Do you want me to start calling you Mom?

No.

I'd like the other kids to start calling me Mrs. Conner.

And I'd like you to start calling me Pickles.

I told you when you moved in you were gonna have trouble with the pipes.

Yeah, and 20 years later, it happens.

Eerie.

Hi, Becky.

Hey, Grandma. Hey, Mom. IS David around?

Uh, Becky, hold on a sec.

Uh...Mom.

Uh, D.J. made you the cutest little ashtray upstairs.

You really should go up there and take a look at it.

I don't smoke! I know that, but he does.

Why don't you go up there and take a look at the ashtray.

Okay, Roseanne, I'll play along.

I will now leave you and Becky alone

as I go to D.J.'s room to look at the ashtray.

I have such fun in your little kingdom of make-believe.

What's going on?

Well, I talked to David about his dream.

I knew it!

You always have to butt in on things that aren't about you.

This is between him and me.

The dream was about me.

It was?

Yeah, it seems that I'm what all the teenage boys

are into this year.

Oh.

I guess it was pretty silly of me

to think that it could have possibly been about me.

Well, don't feel bad, Becky.

Someday you'll fill out, too,

and then all the boys will want you.

Just shut up, Mother.

Is there something going on between you and David?

No, there's nothing going on--

I'll put it a different way.

Would you like there to be?

I don't know. I mean, I didn't until--

Well, he had that dream about me--

Or I thought he did.

And now I feel kinda...

I don't know.

Does anything in the "stupid" category come to mind?

Look, I don't need your help with this, Mother.

I can deal with this myself.

Deal with what yourself? Nothing.

Forget it. I didn't want to know anyway.

Okay, she's gone. You can tell me.

No, Dan, she trusted me with something private.

I thought you would appreciate the fact that I can keep a confidence.

I saw Becky leave the kitchen.

So I suppose I'm done looking at the ashtray.

Mother Harris.

Oh, Dan.

I know you've been doing some plumbing around here,

and I was thinking while you're still in the monkey-wrench mood,

you might come by tomorrow

and put in my new garbage disposal.

Okay, Bev, I can do that.

Oh, wonderful. Then it's a date.

I'll see you tomorrow.

And after you're done with the disposal,

I was thinking you and I could have some sex.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0