Original subtitles

Rosie...

What are you doing this time?

I'm directing your sperms where to go.

Please...

I think my boys

Know their way around a fallopian tube.

I don't know, Dan.

I think they're getting old.

I hear 'em wheezing around in there.

I hate these damn boxers.

Well, tough.

The doctor on Oprah

Said that it makes your equipment

Work better.

I'm a brief man, Rosie.

Tell me about it.

Been making me wear these things

For three months now.

They just don't feel natural.

Well, then don't wear any underwear at all.

Oh, that's just wrong.

Well, I don't know why you bothered

To even put 'em back on, Dan.

We're going again in 20 minutes.

Well, you better have something special planned,

Cause I don't know if I can.

Well, you think it's so tough for you.

Gee, I feel like stapling

A picture of Montel Williams

To your forehead.

Where are you going?

Well, Mrs. Withers down the block

Wants a baby too, so...

All right, i'll stay.

Oh, poor Dan.

He has to sit here on the bed with me

For two minutes and do nothing

While me and god create a life.

Maybe my sperms are just waiting

For your egg to shut up.

Oh, Dan, I know that we're both

You know, i've been thinking.

When this kid graduates high school, i'll be 60.

Well, it's one of our kids, Dan,

So you'll probably be more like 65 or 70.

Be too old even to play ball with him.

Odds are half my life's over already.

If this kid has to grow up without a father

Is that fair to him?

I'm scared, Roseanne.

This whole thing's

Making me think about death.

Well, think about

Whatever you have to, Dan.

We're going again in 20 minutes.

[theme]

Hey, David.

Morning. Mr. Conner, why are all these dates

Circled on this calendar?

Well, you see, David,

That's Mrs. Conner's ovulation schedule.

No, really. What is it?

No, David, it's true.

You see, two weeks ago was the last time

Mrs. Conner was fertile.

So these are the days that you guys...

Ovulate.

Oh, my god.

[door closes]

Hi. Hey.

Roseanne, i'm here.

I got the test. This one feels lucky.

Can I get some coffee?

No, let's go set up the test

And then have coffee while you wait for it.

I don't want any coffee.

Oh, mood swings. That's a good sign.

I started.

What?

I got my period.

Damn.

Yeah, well, you better go.

You don't want to be late for work.

[sighs heavily]

Better start loading up on my protein again.

Call me if you need anything.

Okay.

Well, the good news is i'll be able

To start drinking again.

[sobs] don't be upset, Jackie.

You'll still be the family drunk.

I'm pregnant.

What?

Fred's the father, and I haven't even told him yet.

It just happened that one time we went out together.

I mean, what are the odds?

Jackie, you're pregnant?

Have you thought about what you want to--

Well, i'm gonna keep it.

I mean, I want to 'cause...

Could be my last chance to...

Oh, I just...

Say that you're happy for me

Even if you don't mean it,

But please mean it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm happy for you, Jackie, yeah.

I mean, i'd be happier for you

If it was me.

I wanted you to be pregnant too

So then we could get pregnant together.

Well, it's not too late. Let's get Fred over here.

I don't--I don't know if I can do this, Roseanne.

I'm not like you. I'm not the mothering type.

Remember that doll I had that wet itself?

I just thought it was too much trouble,

So I stopped giving it water.

Well, you were just a kid then.

That doesn't mean that you will

Be a bad mother.

I mean, gee, at least you bottle-fed it.

I used to rip its head off

And fill it under the tap.

Then last night I had this dream

That the baby was already born

And I put it down somewhere

And then I couldn't remember where I put it.

Oh, every mom has that dream, Jackie.

You just reach in through the back of the crib,

You know, into the dragon's mouth,

And then you get that banana,

Bring it out, blow on it.

It turns back into the baby,

And then you just fly away.

Just i'm really scared.

Well, you don't need to be, Jackie.

I'm here for you, and me and you can do this together.

What if the kid doesn't love me,

Or what if I don't love the kid?

That's not gonna happen.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to see my eyebrows.

Just tell me that you love him.

Please, just tell me that you love him.

Well, Roseanne, here I am.

What news is so important

I had to hop in the car

And race right over here.

Oh, um, well I forgot to tell you.

Your brakes are shot.

Okay, mom...

I have something very important to tell you.

It's a big one.

I need you to sit in this chair here.

Come over here. Just stay very calm.

Okay, whatever you do, don't get upset,

And, mom, keep an open mind.

Jackie's pregnant.

Oh, my god! Mom...

Well, I always knew something like this would happen.

She got married and didn't invite me.

No, mom, she did not get married.

She just got pregnant,

And you're right, she didn't invite you.

Oh, my-- oh, no.

She'll never get her reputation back.

Listen to me, mom.

This is her reputation.

This is awful!

You know that sawyer girl

Who had a baby without a husband?

She went insane!

Oh, my god.

I just keep thinking what would your father say? Shh, shh...

What would my father say?

Mom!

Get some control here.

Now, Jackie is going to need us,

And we are going to have to be

Very supportive, okay?

I want you to repeat after me, mom.

I will be supportive.

I will be supportive.

Well, I suppose it's nice i'm gonna have another grandchild.

There you go, mom.

Mom.

Um, Jackie...

Uh, I...

Got something to tell you.

Uh, Jackie...

Mom and me were just talking.

Well, just--just a second, Roseanne.

There's something I want to tell my mother.

Mom, um, i'm pregnant.

I went out with a guy I hardly know,

We had sex for hours, and I got pregnant.

And i'm not gonna marry him.

I'm keeping the baby,

And if it's a girl i'm naming it Gidget.

What if it's a boy?

What?

What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?

What about that rock singer you like so much?

Uh, bongo?

What--what's she talking about?

I think she means ringo.

Yes, ringo.

That's pretty jazzy.

No, wh--what's happening here?

You heard your unmarried daughter

Told you that she's pregnant.

I heard her, dear.

And I want you to know i'll be there for you.

I've never been one to judge.

Oh, thank god for that.

You told her, didn't you.

Well, I--I just wanted to soften the blow.

But I didn't want this blow to be soft.

This was the one, the one.

This is the moment i've been waiting for all my life.

This one could have killed her!

Jackie, if you believe in reincarnation at all,

Perhaps this is not the perfect time

To kill mom, if you know what I mean.

Well, when you did tell her,

Did she at least, like, faint

Or turn blue or something?

No! Well, you didn't do it right!

You--you have to let me tell people, okay?

Okay, I promise.

I'm not gonna tell anybody else anyways.

I mean, besides Dan.

Oh, um, Jackie, could I--

Could I please tell Nancy too?

No.

I already did, and I told Darlene too.

Hey, ladies.

Roseanne... I swear to god.

Hey, Roseanne,

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you called.

See, he doesn't know and that counts

That I didn't tell him.

What was so important?

Uh, oh, I couldn't get the li--lid off,

Uh, these pickles there.

There. [forced chuckle]

Man, you're strong.

Anything else?

No, that's about it.

How 'bout you, Jackie?

Need anything off a high shelf?

Uh, Fred, I am not ready to talk

About stuff on the high shelf.

The stuff that is there is not going anywhere.

When I am ready to discuss it,

I will be the one to call you down here, not Roseanne!

You just had to keep pushing,

Didn't you, Fred.

You know, I was just examining

Our calendar of love.

Seems I am to service you tonight.

First, the seduction.

Ah, well, not now, Dan.

I got too many troubles with Jackie.

She doesn't have a single clue

About this whole pregnancy thing, you know?

She's talking about having natural childbirth.

With no drugs.

[frightened groan]

You should show her the scar I gave you when I had d.J.

Four stitches, saw the bone.

Well, next time i'll take the hand wound

And you can have the episiotomy.

Well, that killed the mood.

You know...

If Jackie would only tell Fred about this,

Then he could be here helping her with this instead of you.

He really should know.

Please, Dan, it's bad enough

That Jackie knows.

Well, this is their problem.

We're gonna have our own kid.

Dan, I can hardly have a baby

When Jackie's gonna have one.

What? Hold on a damn minute here.

You had a fit to have this kid.

You put me on a sex schedule.

You took away my underpants.

You don't take away a man's underpants, Roseanne,

And then change your mind!

Well, Jackie needs me.

What makes you think that?

Because she told me so.

She is just absolutely

Terrified, Dan,

That if I have a baby too

That I will not be around, you know,

And available to help her.

She got down on her knees and begged me.

That's great.

Let's just put our lives on hold for Jackie.

Well, we can still have sex.

Here.

Just wear that.

You know how I get around.

I'm angry at you,

And when i'm angry at you,

I'm not in the mood.

Oh, since when?

Just turn off the light and don't talk.

Don't tell me what to do!

[groans]

And I figure it isn't a shower

Without entertainment.

Well, Nancy, I don't think

That a stripper is appropriate

Entertainment for a baby shower.

I think it's a really cool idea.

He strips down to his diaper,

And then he sits on everybody's lap.

What's the matter?

Your stomach bothering you?

No. No, I told you

I don't have morning sickness, okay?

You know, you should eat a saltine.

I don't want a saltine.

It'll make you feel better.

Roseanne... Come on, for me.

Hey, Jackie.

Fred. Dan.

You know, lately I get the feeling

You've been wanting

To talk to me about something.

Um, yeah, Fred, I sort of did.

But I don't.

You know, Jackie,

Fred's had the same dog for 10 years.

I did not know that, Dan.

Thank you for telling me that.

All of his plants are alive too.

In fact, Fred, i've always found you

A very loving and nurturing man.

Thank you, Dan.

I find your honesty unsettling.

No, I mean I admire you, Fred.

You're that rare combination

Of soft and caring yet strong and virile.

Why don't you two run outside

And carve your initials into a tree?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now,

And when I come back,

Let's all be talking about something else.

Look, hey, hey, whether or not

I tell Fred is my own damn business.

Yeah, Dan.

Yeah, Roseanne, it's my baby.

Mine. I'm the one that had sex.

I'm the one who's getting fat.

I'm the one whose hormones are gonna go crazy any day now.

I wish you would just leave me alone,

Let me do it by myself.

What?

It's all your fault, Dan.

Ever since you told her you don't want to have a kid,

She's trying to get her hands on mine.

What?

Roseanne, I thought you said

We couldn't have a baby

'cause Jackie begged you to take care of hers.

What!

Roseanne, what the hell's going on here?

Well, isn't it obvious?

I mean, the two of you are in such deep denial

That it is pathetic.

What are we denying, Roseanne?

Well, huh...

Okay, you're both denying the fact

That you really do not want me to have a kid.

I mean, the idea of it

Just terrifies you so bad

That you can't even cope with it.

So in order to deal with it,

You're putting the whole thing on someone else

So the two of you can just deny, deny, deny.

You totally made that up in your own head.

See how deep it goes!

You lied to me, Roseanne.

Okay, but at least I had a good reason this time.

Now, you can't handle a baby by yourself, Jackie.

I mean, you're gonna be shooting people from a tower

In a clown suit.

If i'm tough enough to survive you,

I'm tough enough to handle anything a kid's gonna throw at me.

Yeah? What about steak knives?

That's happened to me twice.

Darlene throws like a boy.

You are not that strong, Jackie,

Because sometime your kid's gonna come to you

And want to know who its father is,

And you don't even have the guts

To tell the father who the father is!

Fred!

I'm pregnant. You're the father.

You want to talk about that,

I'll be in the kitchen.

I'll meet you at home.

Oh, Dan, wait a minute!

[Fred] wow.

Good thing I was sitting down.

[motor starts]

Turn the car off, Dan.

I want to go home.

We got to talk.

If you don't want to have a baby,

Don't go blaming it on me.

Maybe it's not that I don't want to have the baby, Dan.

Maybe it's that I can't have a baby.

[motor stops]

Is there something I should know?

Yeah. I'm 41 years old.

[scoff]

Is that what this is all about?

I mean, come on, Roseanne.

We've only been trying for three months.

I know, but we never used to have to try at all.

We'd get pregnant just using the same soap.

I was just thinking

Maybe my body doesn't work anymore.

Did you ever think

Maybe it's my body that doesn't work anymore?

Well, yeah. That's what got me through the first three months.

Look, honey, if we can't, we can't.

Then at least I get my wife back.

Then in six years,

When D.J. goes and runs off with some religious cult,

We can ride a couple of harleys across the country.

Oh, that's a bunch of crap, Dan.

You want to have a baby as bad as I do.

Not if it means screwing up my marriage.

You've been carrying this around for three months,

And you never even said anything to me about it.

We used to talk about stuff like this.

Well, that's 'cause it-- it just hurts too much, Dan.

I mean, every month, I--I let us down.

You don't let us down.

Well, that's what it feels like.

Well, it shouldn't feel like that.

That is what it feels like.

That's it. We're throwing the damn calendar out.

We're going back to doing the way we always did,

And whatever happens happens.

Come on.

Remember the good old days when sex was fun?

Well, yeah, but those guys didn't mean anything to me.

You know, that dashboard really brings out your eyes.

Boy, you french lads sure know what to say to a dame.

Well, we shouldn't do it anyway, Dan.

Uh, you know, yesterday was my last fertile day.

There'd be no point.

There's a point.

Okay, but try to keep your butt below the window.

Well, do you think maybe

I could go to the lamaze classes or something with you?

I mean, I am the father.

Yeah, but I don't-- I hardly know you, Fred.

We only went out once.

That's your fault.

I wanted to go out with you

The very next day after I impregnated you.

Well...

Fred, we're gonna have a lot of problems here

If you're... Don't respect my space.

I understand. It's your body. It's your decision.

There is nothing that I can do about it.

Thank you, Fred.

Just promise me, if you ever need any help,

Money, support, just somebody to talk to,

Please call me.

Thank you, Fred. I--I appreciate that.

I guess we should shake hands or something.

Well...

Thanks for the child.

You know that sawyer girl

Who had a baby without a husband?

She went insane!

Listen, mom--

Oh, my god, I just keep thinking,

What would your father say?

What would my father say?

Your aunt--

Mom, shh!

I'm sorry!

I couldn't help laugh--

You get hurt? No!

I told you I was gonna hit you.

I know, but I--sorry.

Was it too hard?

No, it was good.

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