Original subtitles

How come Darlene gets three good-bye dinners?

You'll get yours next month when they take you away.

Well, I just figure I better feed her good

Before she gets up to college

And won't be eating nothing but junk.

Mom, you didn't finish the chilli fries.

Oh, put 'em in the fridge. We'll have 'em in the morning.

There's cake in the fridge.

Dad, make mom give us cake.

Woman, my son here wants cake.

So does your man.

I better see me some

Cake fetching going on here right now.

I mean it. Don't make me come over there!

Son, I just lost control of the house.

It's every man for himself.

I--I got to hand it to you, Roseanne.

You're handling Darlene leaving pretty well.

Yeah, well, it's been kind of

A real special week, you know.

Kind of cool.

And, oh, i've got such a great thing planned

For the drive up there on Saturday.

We're gonna pull over, you know,

And have a picnic, and then we're gonna get tattooed.

Oh...She's wanted one for months.

I know. We're gonna get matching

Mother and daughter tattoos.

She's gonna get one that says, "I love mom,"

And i'm getting a skull with a great big snake coming out of it.

Think i'm gonna cry.

Yeah, but i'm kind of worried about how

It's gonna affect Dan, her leaving, you know.

You know how bad he freaked out when Becky left.

Yeah, that was bad.

Him and Darlene, they have that

Kind of a special buddy thing going, you know.

She's kind of like his cool son.

Uh, mom, can I talk to you a minute?

I need to ask you a really big favor.

Well, let's see, I let you go to art school,

Yeah, I guess I owe you one.

I'll just be out in the kitchen.

Unless you want me to stay.

Well, you know where i'll be.

Uh, I was just wondering,

Can David take me up to school

Instead of you and dad?

Uh, well, Darlene, of course not.

Well, I was just thinking that if he took me

Then he'd feel like he was still a part of my life.

And being as your such a majorly cool mom,

A mom like no mom,

Head mom,

My main mom...

Well, you know, this is very important

To your father, Darlene.

I think you should ask him.

Ask me what?

Dad, I was just wondering

If it would be okay if David took me

Up to school on Saturday instead of you guys.

I don't know. What's your mom say?

Well, i'm okay with it,

But, you know, how do you feel about it, Dan?

Sure, what the hell. Who wants cake?

Thanks, dad. You're the best.

Sorry about those teen years.

Um, Dan...Are you really sure, you know?

I know you were pretty psyched about this.

I know. I'll see her next week.

But you had like the whole day planned.

I'll get drunk and watch the bears game instead.

I'm flexible.

God, I hate it when you do this, Dan.

Your daughter comes in here,

She walks all over your feelings,

And then you pretend it doesn't bother you.

Everyone can see how upset you are.

And here you are just hiding all your feelings

In the stupid cake.

Now you've ruined dessert!

I didn't think i'd take it that hard.

[theme]

Hey.

How am I feeling today?

Aw, it sucks, Dan.

How come she won't let me drive her to school?

She's almost 17.

Of course she'd rather go with her boyfriend.

She's not even upset about leaving me.

Look, if you're this upset about it,

Tell her you thought you were cool with it

But now you're not.

[scoffs] I can't do that, Dan.

I can't become queen geek now.

Well, then you'll have to accept it.

But you could become queen geek though.

I don't want to be queen geek.

I can't go tell her I have a problem

With David taking her, but you could.

You already told her David could take her.

Yeah, I know, but so what?

You could forbid me to do that.

In what universe?

Please, Dan. Please.

Forbid me.

I thought you were supposed to be the man of this house.

Oh, you did not.

[door closes]

[D.J.] mom, i'm home from soccer practice.

Do you smell?

Yes.

Then take a bath!

All right.

Aw, they're all just gonna desert us anyway, Dan.

You know where we went wrong?

We named 'em.

That's when you get all attached.

I know, honey.

It's hard for me, too,

But kids grow up and leave.

That's what they do.

I'm stuck!

Here, i'll help you, son.

No, no, no, wait.

What's this?

Well, I thought maybe you could take me

Up to school on Saturday,

And that way you could

Keep my car while i'm gone

And come visit me whenever you wanted.

Darlene, sit down.

What is it?

I was thinking.

Maybe we should get engaged.

Engaged?

Yeah.

David, are you asking me to marry you?

All right.

David, this is so...Stupid.

I just thought that if we got engaged things might be better.

Your mother might even let us stay in the same room.

You're not gonna change my mind.

I'm still leaving for school on Saturday.

Well, then, i'm not taking you.

Why not?

Because i've got a date.

You've got a date?

A minute ago we were engaged.

Okay, I don't have a date.

I just want you to know

That if you go away to school

Then i'm gonna be seeing other people.

You're breaking up with me?

Now, wait a minute.

You're the one who's leaving me,

So you're the one who's breaking us up.

Oh, go to hell.

No, you go to hell.

[Darlene] I wouldn't want you to take me anyway.

I couldn't sit in the same car with you for two hours.

Fine. God, I hate you!

[door slams]

I really think she needs to be alone now.

I really think she needs a ride on Saturday.

Okay, but no gloating.

Oh, Darlene, I just heard what happened.

You know, i'm going through this huge thing

And all he's thinking about is what he wants.

Well, that's men for you, but listen.

We'll talk this all out

On our drive up there on Saturday.

I'm not waiting 'til Saturday.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I want to get as far from this place as possible.

Well, yeah, well, so do I,

But I can't get any time off work till Saturday,

And, you know, I kind of want to take you up there.

Well, I don't care what you want.

I never wanted you to take me in the first place.

I just want to get away from David.

I want to get away from you.

I hate this whole damn house.

Just leave me alone, okay?

I got to get something out of the car.

Honey...

[door closes]

What do you want?

What do you think I want?

I want you to go out there and apologize.

I want you to tell your mother

That you want her to take you to school Saturday.

No!

No? Why the hell not?

She's gonna go psychotic when she gets up there

And she sees that I have my own life now.

She's gonna rag on everything.

My school, my apartment, my roommate...

Yes, yes, she absolutely will.

And every time she slams you,

You'll know she's suffering.

And the only way your mother can deal with pain

Is to spread it around.

Why can't she just take it out on someone else?

Don't worry, she will.

She's gonna ruin this for me.

I'm the one that's going to school.

This is supposed to be my big day, not hers.

Darlene, Darlene, Darlene.

Where did you get a stupid idea like that?

Look, honey...

Don't go to your mom just 'cause I told you to.

Go to her because she's your mother

And because she's hurting.

Because she's got too much pride

To show you her feelings.

Well, that's it!

We're gonna take you up there on saturday

And I don't give a flying crap

If you like it or not.

Or let her come to you.

...Weather-strip the windows,

Spackle the ceiling, fix the bathroom door lock.

Name the rats.

Hang in there, champ.

You know, you usually have to go

To a movie theater to find floors

With this kind of texture.

Darlene, would you come over here and help me

With this thing far away from your mother?

So what did Darlene say about me

On the ride up here?

She said nothing. She did too, Jackie.

When me and Dan passed you on that interstate,

I saw her with her face all scrunched up.

She was doing me.

She was not. She swallowed a bug.

Socks go in the top drawer!

Why?

Because they just do. Says who?

God!

I need some help getting the rest of the stuff out of the car.

Any volunteers, Darlene?

Ooh, dad, how subtle.

Your hair is going out the door.

You might want to follow.

This is your last day together.

You want to leave her like this?

Jackie, everyone on earth knows the sock rule!

You are taking your daughter to college, Roseanne.

You got what you wanted.

Yeah, but only because I made her.

She can't wait for me to get out of here.

Well, you're making her miserable.

Any sane person would want you out of here.

You can say good-bye the right way

Or you can say good-bye your way,

But you're not going to get a second chance.

[Dan] okay.

That's the last of them.

[sighs]

So this is it for windows, huh?

Yeah, why?

Well, that's because too many windows can be bad.

Why is that, Jackie?

Well, the birds...

Birds can fly into the windows and die, and...

Windows are very bad for birds.

Well, at least you got a pretty good view.

I mean, there's a tree, there's some grass...

Where?

Underneath that dead guy.

Jackie, if you want to make that dinner shift,

We got to leave now.

Okay. Aw, this is so cool.

I'm so proud of you.

You know, someday I know that you're going to write

This good-bye scene in one of your stories.

So when you do, give me something really clever

And really wise to say.

And maybe a bigger chest.

You got 'em.

Oh, here's a credit card for emergencies.

You can only use it once,

Because your grandma doesn't know we have it.

Got it.

Oh, here's some pizza money.

Always tip the delivery boy.

He is your friend.

Got it.

Here's some blackhawk games money.

Opening game, you and me.

Deal.

Here's some dad money.

Just spend it, okay?

Okay.

If you need anything, just call collect.

And don't worry, every once in awhile

I'll stuff D.J. in a hamper for you.

Headfirst, dad.

I'll follow as soon as I finish

Getting her unpacked here.

Drive safe and don't flip off anybody you can't outrun.

Bye.

Hey, Jackie, you got any gas money?

Okay, so where do you want me to put your underwear?

Bottom drawer with the socks.

I'm just going to let you do it.

Well, I think we're done.

Well, we haven't made up your bed yet.

I can do that.

You can?

Where did you learn to make your own bed?

Picked it up on the street.

Well, i'll be damned.

Okay, well, I guess i'll get going.

I got a lot of important dishes to do.

Boy, it's getting dark out there, isn't it?

Look at that. It's clouding up.

Do you think it might rain?

Yeah, I think it might rain.

Don't you have those really crappy windshield wipers on your car?

Oh, not anymore.

I switched them.

They're on the car your dad's driving now.

Okay, good.

Well...

Well, you know, since it's late and all,

You might want to crash here to avoid the rain.

Oh, well,

I never thought of that.

Yeah, you know, it's up to you.

Whatever.

Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever.

Yeah, either way. Whatever.

Yeah, you know, either way.

I could go home or stay here.

It doesn't matter to either one of us.

Eh, you know, I don't know.

Well, maybe i'll stay.

Okay.

All right, i'm going to go get ready for bed.

I'll be right back.

Well, i'll be here. Okay.

Hey, the rain's waking up that dead guy.

Mom? Yeah?

So what do you really think of my apartment?

I really think it's cool.

You do not.

Yes, I do.

I'm jealous.

You're like the first Connor woman to ever have her own apartment.

I wish I could be more excited about it.

Yeah, well, how come you're not?

Because of that whole David thing?

Yeah, he hates me now.

He wants to see other people.

Oh, they always say that.

It's in the handbook.

But what if he does see someone else?

Oh, Darlene, David really cares about you a lot.

Anyway, a boy that short doesn't have that many options.

Mom, there's something I kind of want to tell you.

Okay, I kind of want to hear it.

I slept with David.

Oh.

Are you mad?

Mmm.

I don't know. Was I home?

No. Were you?

Yeah. [sighs]

Well, jeez.

Big-time grown-up stuff, huh?

Yeah.

I was careful.

Yeah, well, I knew you would be.

Are you disappointed in me?

Mmm, no. Not really.

I kind of knew all along anyway.

I just sort of pretended I didn't

So I could, you know, live.

Well, how come it's so much harder

To break up with a guy

After you've slept with him?

Well, because all human beings connect sex and love...

Except for men.

Okay.

Were you a virgin when you married dad?

Yes, I was.

Really?

Absolutely. I still am.

Oh, so you weren't.

No, no.

Okay. No.

Wow, my mom's a big tramp.

Don't get so excited, Darlene.

I did it with your dad.

So dad's the only one you did it with

Before you married him?

Of course.

Yeah.

Well, I guess-- yeah, yeah.

I'd have to say yeah.

Who else?

I said yeah.

Yeah, but you were totally lying.

[Roseanne] well, no.

According to the rules I have set in my own mind...

I'm am going to say no.

No, your father is the only one that counted.

Hey, you can't do that.

If you did it, it counts.

Hey, i'll tell you whether it counts or not.

So, did it count with David?

Yeah.

David counts.

Well, that's good.

[sighs]

Thanks for staying, mom.

This is the first time we've ever talked,

You know, like friends.

[Roseanne] hmm.

Yeah, well, we could be friends.

Definitely.

Yeah, that would be good if we'd be friends.

You know, Darlene,

Even if I was not your mother,

I would still like to know you.

Come on, honey, this bed ain't getting any warmer.

You know, Dan, i'm a really good mom.

No arguments here.

No, no, no.

I mean, like, a really, really good mom.

Like top five, you know?

Giving mary a run for her money.

The haloed one has got nothing on you.

And you don't suck as a dad.

You're beautiful. You're horny.

Get over here!

Yee-hee-hee!

Hee hee hee hee!

Yee-hee!

So you want to be ribbed or tickled tonight?

Tonight let's not use nothing.

You don't think our lovemaking's dangerous enough?

I want another kid.

What?

Maybe the fourth time we'll get one of them worker kids,

The kind that support you in your old age

And avenge your death like in movies and stuff.

Ah, a fictional child.

I'm going to say this once, Dan,

And tomorrow if you ask me,

I might deny that I ever said it at all,

But I like having kids.

Our kids?

Remember when Darlene was six and she took

One of your unemployment checks

To school for show and tell?

Aw, come on.

Honey, don't do this.

And remember when Becky was eight

And she was singing along with the radio

Trying to act real cool,

But she got all the words wrong.

Remember?

gypsies, chimpanzees

we heard it from the people of the town

they called us

[both] gypsies chimpanzees

and every night all the men would come around

and lay the monkey down

It's not like I haven't thought about this.

It's just you could be a lot more rational about it in 15 minutes.

Okay, well, I can wait 15 minutes.

What the hell.

A fourth one won't kill me.

Yee! Ha ha ha!

Yee-hee-hee!

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