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- mom.
- what?
3
00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:56,033
- i got a knot in my shoe.
- wear loafers.
4
00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:01,567
- come on, mom.
- all right.give it here.
5
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:05,100
can i have pie
for breakfast?
6
00:01:05,135 --> 00:01:07,334
no, that's
contaminated.
7
00:01:07,369 --> 00:01:09,434
go sit down and eat
your breakfast now,
8
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,734
and don't spill
your milk today neither.
9
00:01:11,769 --> 00:01:14,267
here you go.
10
00:01:14,302 --> 00:01:16,067
is there coffee?
11
00:01:16,102 --> 00:01:18,801
- dan...?
- yeah?
12
00:01:18,836 --> 00:01:21,601
isn't there coffee
every morning?
13
00:01:21,636 --> 00:01:23,834
yes.
14
00:01:25,167 --> 00:01:28,100
in the 15 years
we've been married,
15
00:01:28,135 --> 00:01:31,033
has there ever been one morning
where there wasn't any coffee?
16
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,834
no.
17
00:01:34,869 --> 00:01:37,834
then why do you have to ask me
every morning if there's coffee?
18
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:41,434
is there toast?
19
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,100
- what's going on with you?
- mother, this is very important.
20
00:01:52,135 --> 00:01:54,634
our school's having
a food drive for poor people.
21
00:01:54,669 --> 00:01:58,367
well, tell them to drive
some of that food over here.
22
00:01:58,402 --> 00:02:01,267
- mother!
- two cans.that's it.
23
00:02:01,302 --> 00:02:03,467
don't touch
that creamed corn.
24
00:02:03,502 --> 00:02:06,300
i'll get it.
25
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,434
- hello?
- mom!
26
00:02:08,469 --> 00:02:10,434
- he started it.
- did not.
27
00:02:10,469 --> 00:02:12,801
knock it off, you two.
stop it.get away.
28
00:02:12,836 --> 00:02:15,934
- listen to your mother.
- you heard your father.
29
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:20,501
- don't tell him that.
- get off the phone.
30
00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:23,534
- mom...
- now.
31
00:02:23,569 --> 00:02:26,968
i got to go.
bye.
32
00:02:27,003 --> 00:02:28,901
dad, you know what would be
really good for breakfast?
33
00:02:28,936 --> 00:02:31,133
- what?
- pie.
34
00:02:31,168 --> 00:02:34,267
- tell him no.
- no.
35
00:02:38,602 --> 00:02:42,868
oh, hi. i looked in the
mirror and i'm getting boobs.
36
00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:47,667
becky can't talk now.
37
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:52,334
oh, my gosh. i was
supposed to give you this.
38
00:02:52,369 --> 00:02:55,167
- what is it?
- it's a note from my history teacher, miss crane.
39
00:02:55,202 --> 00:02:57,167
- you got to meet with her at 3:15.
- today?
40
00:02:57,202 --> 00:02:58,634
uh-huh.
41
00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:02,400
why do you wait till the last
minute to tell me these things?
42
00:03:08,569 --> 00:03:11,901
yeah, and take your
brother and sister with you.
43
00:03:14,502 --> 00:03:16,467
you guys didn't even brush your teeth.
44
00:03:16,502 --> 00:03:18,467
we don't
have time.
45
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:20,868
we'll miss
the bus.
46
00:03:20,903 --> 00:03:23,067
- bye.
- dan: bye.
47
00:03:23,102 --> 00:03:26,868
quick, they're gone.
change the locks.
48
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,434
what is it?
49
00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:34,367
- i really don't wanna pick...
- what?
50
00:03:34,402 --> 00:03:37,634
i can't stand it when people
leave toast crumbs on the butter.
51
00:03:37,669 --> 00:03:40,167
what difference does it make?
you're gonna smear it on your toast.
52
00:03:40,202 --> 00:03:42,067
it ain't right.
53
00:03:42,102 --> 00:03:44,567
you don't like it when people leave
jelly in the peanut butter jar.
54
00:03:44,602 --> 00:03:46,701
well, that's
sickening.
55
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,667
- same thing.
- is not.
56
00:03:50,702 --> 00:03:53,267
- afraid so.
- all right, here.
57
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,901
nice, fresh butter.
knock yourself out.
58
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,934
i love you, darlin'.
59
00:04:02,969 --> 00:04:05,200
i love you, too.
60
00:04:06,736 --> 00:04:08,701
save me that
detergent coupon.
61
00:04:08,736 --> 00:04:10,634
becky!
62
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,334
- dan.
- what?
63
00:04:13,369 --> 00:04:15,334
the sink's
all backed up again.
64
00:04:15,369 --> 00:04:17,334
i'll plunge it
right after breakfast.
65
00:04:17,369 --> 00:04:20,100
i don't want you to plunge
it. i want you to fix it.
66
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:22,834
- you got it, babe.
- this is the third time this week.
67
00:04:22,869 --> 00:04:25,434
- you got to fix it today.
- absolutely.
68
00:04:25,469 --> 00:04:27,534
mom, my bookbag
just fell apart.
69
00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:29,534
i just bought it
yesterday.
70
00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:32,033
- mom, please, you gotta
take it back.
71
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:35,167
- all right. i'll do it after work.
- thanks.
72
00:04:35,202 --> 00:04:37,634
- bye.
- goodbye.
73
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,934
could you meet with
darlene's teacher today?
74
00:04:41,969 --> 00:04:44,534
i can't do it today. i'm
putting in a bid on a job.
75
00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:47,901
if i get it, me and freddy start
construction this afternoon.
76
00:04:47,936 --> 00:04:50,100
how about this bookbag?
can you exchange that?
77
00:04:50,135 --> 00:04:53,968
could you fit that into
your tight schedule there?
78
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:56,234
it's either that
or fix the sink.
79
00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:58,300
okay,
fix the sink.
80
00:04:58,335 --> 00:05:01,968
i'll do everything else-
like i always do.
81
00:05:02,003 --> 00:05:05,501
i'll have to get off work an
hour early, lose an hour's pay,
82
00:05:05,536 --> 00:05:08,167
totally rearrange
my whole schedule.
83
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:12,100
but i don't mind.
84
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:20,067
are you ever sorry
we got married?
85
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,801
every second
of my life.
86
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:27,133
- me, too.
- you are really?
87
00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:32,567
- nah.
- okay, me neither, then.
88
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:37,968
hey...
89
00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:40,033
who would you have married
if you didn't marry me?
90
00:05:40,068 --> 00:05:42,901
- rosie-!
- come on, who?
91
00:05:42,936 --> 00:05:44,767
no one.
92
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:48,234
oh, i'm sure
you wouldn't- who?
93
00:05:48,269 --> 00:05:50,234
this time i swear
i won't get mad.
94
00:05:50,269 --> 00:05:53,033
- i know, beth winchester.
- are you kidding?
95
00:05:53,068 --> 00:05:56,033
i'm not gonna get mad. i just
want you tell me the truth.
96
00:05:56,068 --> 00:05:59,033
i swear i'm not getting mad. just tell.
97
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:01,067
josephine carter.
98
00:06:01,102 --> 00:06:04,200
josephine carter,
that old slut?
99
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,501
she had great toes.
100
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:11,033
- toes?
- yeah.
101
00:06:11,068 --> 00:06:13,200
she used to sit there
and cross her legs
102
00:06:13,235 --> 00:06:17,534
and dangle her shoe
off the end of her toe.
103
00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:20,133
drove me crazy.
104
00:06:20,168 --> 00:06:22,501
- so you were gonna marry her for that?
- yes, ma'am.
105
00:06:22,536 --> 00:06:24,033
well, why didn't ya?
106
00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:27,901
well, the morning
i was gonna propose,
107
00:06:27,936 --> 00:06:30,501
i took her over to this
little coffee shop,
108
00:06:30,536 --> 00:06:33,734
a real quiet
out-of-the-way place.
109
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,767
and just as i was about
to pop the question,
110
00:06:36,802 --> 00:06:39,300
she smeared toast crumbs
all over her butter.
111
00:06:39,335 --> 00:06:41,367
that was it.
i got up, i left.
112
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,734
i didn't even pay
the check.
113
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:47,567
you think you're
pretty cute, don't ya?
114
00:06:47,602 --> 00:06:49,601
pretty much.
115
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,334
booker, i got to get
off an hour early today.
116
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:03,133
i can't do it. we're 200 cases
behind on that gillman order.
117
00:07:03,168 --> 00:07:05,801
but i gotta, booker.
it's really, really important.
118
00:07:05,836 --> 00:07:07,801
you have to understand
my position.
119
00:07:07,836 --> 00:07:09,934
well, you have to understand my position.
120
00:07:09,969 --> 00:07:12,801
i got to go to school
and talk to my kid's teacher.
121
00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:16,434
roseanne, here
at wellman plastics,
122
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:18,434
we are a team.
123
00:07:18,469 --> 00:07:20,234
i'd like to make us
a winning team.
124
00:07:20,269 --> 00:07:22,234
all the players
are equally as important.
125
00:07:22,269 --> 00:07:25,634
the running backs are no more
important than the pulling guards.
126
00:07:25,669 --> 00:07:27,801
- pulling guards are no
more- - yeah, i got it.
127
00:07:27,836 --> 00:07:30,701
it's like a big ol'
quilting bee.
128
00:07:30,736 --> 00:07:32,934
a what?
129
00:07:32,969 --> 00:07:35,567
where all the barefoot women
on the prairie get together
130
00:07:35,602 --> 00:07:39,000
and they all stitch this
one really incredible quilt,
131
00:07:39,035 --> 00:07:41,033
and no one patch
is any more important
132
00:07:41,068 --> 00:07:43,501
than any other patch
kind of thing.
133
00:07:43,536 --> 00:07:45,133
uh-huh.
134
00:07:45,168 --> 00:07:49,801
the woman sewing this patch has
to get off an hour early today.
135
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,334
- look, roseanne-
- i'm looking, booker.
136
00:07:52,369 --> 00:07:55,534
- give me a break.
- all right.
137
00:07:55,569 --> 00:07:59,167
i'll give you a half an hour,
and it's coming out of your check.
138
00:07:59,202 --> 00:08:01,200
well, there goes
the porsche.
139
00:08:01,235 --> 00:08:04,100
i just love it when
a guy talks sports.
140
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:07,234
it does
something to me.
141
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:09,234
the only thing
that's more exciting
142
00:08:09,269 --> 00:08:12,901
is when dan talks about
hydraulic jacks and snow tires.
143
00:08:12,936 --> 00:08:16,100
you can joke all you want.
you got yourself the ideal man.
144
00:08:16,135 --> 00:08:18,200
- oh, "ideal," huh?
- sure.
145
00:08:18,235 --> 00:08:20,234
i'd give anything
to have a man like dan.
146
00:08:20,269 --> 00:08:22,567
he stays home.
he never runs around on you.
147
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:25,534
he's good to the kids,
and he's hygienic.
148
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:30,133
well, crystal, you think
he came that way?
149
00:08:33,033 --> 00:08:35,567
it's 15 years of fighting
that made him like that.
150
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,234
you're so full of it.
151
00:08:37,269 --> 00:08:40,467
i'm serious. a good man don't just happen.
152
00:08:40,502 --> 00:08:43,400
they have to be created
by us women.
153
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,100
you think
you know everything.
154
00:08:48,135 --> 00:08:50,534
well, i do know
everything, crystal.
155
00:08:50,569 --> 00:08:54,467
a guy is a lump
like this doughnut.
156
00:08:54,502 --> 00:08:57,167
so first, you got to get
rid of all the stuff
157
00:08:57,202 --> 00:08:59,167
his mom did to him.
158
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,734
then you got to get rid
of all that macho crap
159
00:09:04,769 --> 00:09:08,067
that they pick up
from the beer commercials.
160
00:09:08,102 --> 00:09:12,434
and then there's my personal
favorite, the male ego.
161
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,100
hi, sis.
162
00:09:24,135 --> 00:09:26,400
- hi.roseanne.
- what?
163
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,400
you realize
that most people
164
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,534
use only two percent
of their mind's potential?
165
00:09:31,569 --> 00:09:34,133
- that much, huh?
- last night...
166
00:09:34,168 --> 00:09:36,267
i went to this
incredible seminar.
167
00:09:36,302 --> 00:09:39,234
what was it this time,
"dare to be a millionaire"?
168
00:09:39,269 --> 00:09:43,200
- "see it and be it."
- be what?
169
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:49,934
- hi, jackie.
- hey, crystal.
170
00:09:49,969 --> 00:09:52,400
roseanne, this guy,
dr. jerry macklett,
171
00:09:52,435 --> 00:09:55,067
he teaches you how to tap
into the hidden treasures
172
00:09:55,102 --> 00:09:57,067
of your
unconscious mind.
173
00:09:57,102 --> 00:09:59,067
- he does, huh?
- yeah, it's so simple.
174
00:09:59,102 --> 00:10:01,067
he goes, "if your mind
can conceive it
175
00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:03,100
and your heart can believe
it, then you can achieve it."
176
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,834
achieve what?
177
00:10:04,869 --> 00:10:07,167
sis here went to another one
of her incredible seminars.
178
00:10:07,202 --> 00:10:09,167
it's great.
it's great.
179
00:10:09,202 --> 00:10:11,667
- maybe i should go with you to one of your seminars.
- "see it and be it."
180
00:10:11,702 --> 00:10:14,334
that's the one you should go to,
crystal. this will change your life.
181
00:10:14,369 --> 00:10:17,200
- i've love to change my life.
- jackie: well, you can.
182
00:10:17,235 --> 00:10:20,334
for only $30-
it's a one-night course,
183
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:22,934
what you get are the
basics of visualization.
184
00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:27,300
- visualization?
- you use your mind's potential to get anything you want.
185
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:30,133
you want a brand-new car?
all you do is visualize it.
186
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:31,667
that sounds easy enough.
187
00:10:31,702 --> 00:10:33,868
maybe you're on to
something here, sis.
188
00:10:33,903 --> 00:10:36,801
- yeah, you- get out
of here. - i'm serious.
189
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:40,868
i'm visualizing
a clean house...
190
00:10:40,903 --> 00:10:43,534
and kids
who don't talk back
191
00:10:43,569 --> 00:10:45,968
and a husband who waits
on me hand and foot.
192
00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:48,067
you can
have that.
193
00:10:48,102 --> 00:10:50,834
and we're all getting
in crystal's brand-new car...
194
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,300
and we're driving up
this beautiful mountain road
195
00:10:55,335 --> 00:10:57,300
to go
to the countryside
196
00:10:57,335 --> 00:10:59,667
to visit my sister
in the nut barn.
197
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:12,300
hi.are you
the history teacher?
198
00:11:12,335 --> 00:11:14,400
yes.
i'm ms. crane.
199
00:11:14,435 --> 00:11:16,400
hi.
i'm darlene's mom.
200
00:11:16,435 --> 00:11:19,601
oh, i'd given up on you.
you're 15 minutes late.
201
00:11:19,636 --> 00:11:21,934
i'm really sorry. i got
here as soon as i could.
202
00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:24,067
i don't think
we can do this today.
203
00:11:24,102 --> 00:11:26,868
- what?
- i have another engagement.
204
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,167
what, you're gonna
go play tennis?
205
00:11:29,202 --> 00:11:31,200
squash.
206
00:11:31,235 --> 00:11:33,434
could we do this
another day?
207
00:11:33,469 --> 00:11:35,934
no.
208
00:11:35,969 --> 00:11:39,100
i had to get off from work
an hour early and lose pay,
209
00:11:39,135 --> 00:11:41,100
then i got caught
in traffic.
210
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:43,200
all right, we'll do it today. have a seat.
211
00:11:55,734 --> 00:12:00,033
darlene has been demonstrating
behavioral problems.
212
00:12:00,068 --> 00:12:01,634
what does that mean?
213
00:12:01,669 --> 00:12:05,300
she's been barking
in class.
214
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,100
- barking?
- like a dog.
215
00:12:09,135 --> 00:12:11,234
well, did you
tell her to stop it?
216
00:12:11,269 --> 00:12:13,801
- ms. crane: i did.
- did she stop it?
217
00:12:13,836 --> 00:12:17,968
- she stopped.
- what's the problem?
218
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:21,834
i feel this barking is
an aggressive manifestation
219
00:12:21,869 --> 00:12:23,801
of a deeper
internal problem.
220
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:30,734
huh?
221
00:12:30,769 --> 00:12:33,367
now, let me explain.
222
00:12:33,402 --> 00:12:35,501
we have found
223
00:12:35,536 --> 00:12:37,634
that when behavioral problems
arise in the classroom,
224
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:40,667
it usually indicates
a problem at home.
225
00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:43,000
uh-huh...
226
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:49,901
how would you describe your
relationship with your daughter?
227
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,701
i'd say
it's typical.
228
00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:54,734
"typical"?
not special?
229
00:12:54,769 --> 00:12:56,234
typical.
230
00:12:56,269 --> 00:12:59,901
do you feel you spend enough
time with your daughter?
231
00:12:59,936 --> 00:13:03,200
you mean like
"quality time"?
232
00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:08,200
yes. do you spend any
free time with darlene?
233
00:13:08,235 --> 00:13:10,634
well, i have
three kids and i work,
234
00:13:10,669 --> 00:13:12,968
so i don't have
any free time.
235
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,167
see, now, that
may be the problem.
236
00:13:15,202 --> 00:13:17,000
mm-hmm...
237
00:13:17,035 --> 00:13:19,868
i think the problem is
is that there is no problem.
238
00:13:19,903 --> 00:13:21,701
your daughter barks.
239
00:13:21,736 --> 00:13:24,267
our whole family
barks.
240
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:36,801
i talked to your
history teacher today.
241
00:13:36,836 --> 00:13:39,200
oh, ms. crane
the pain?
242
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,801
yeah, you're a real jokester, all right.
243
00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:44,300
turn that down.
244
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:50,467
she says you've been
barking in class.
245
00:13:51,534 --> 00:13:53,501
yeah.
246
00:13:53,536 --> 00:13:56,334
well, what do you
wanna do that for?
247
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:00,467
mom, she is
so boring.
248
00:14:00,502 --> 00:14:02,467
if i don't bark,
i'll fall asleep.
249
00:14:02,502 --> 00:14:05,200
mom, did you get
my bookbag?
250
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:07,200
- yeah, it's over there.
- okay, thanks.
251
00:14:07,235 --> 00:14:09,200
i mean it, darlene.
you need to knock it off.
252
00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:11,234
i'm serious.
no more barking.
253
00:14:11,269 --> 00:14:13,567
but everyone
makes fun of ms. crane.
254
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,300
mom, this
is blue.
255
00:14:15,335 --> 00:14:17,868
- hey, i'm talking to mom.
- well, so am i.
256
00:14:17,903 --> 00:14:21,334
- shut up.
- don't tell me to shut up. you are so immature.
257
00:14:21,369 --> 00:14:25,067
stop it, you two.
knock it off.
258
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:30,734
you're gonna use that bag
until you're 30.
259
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:33,834
oh, great. i'm just gonna look like a freak.
260
00:14:33,869 --> 00:14:36,534
- what else is new?
- shut up.
261
00:14:36,569 --> 00:14:40,434
this is why some animals
eat their young.
262
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:50,234
i want you to take all of your
stuff o your room right now.
263
00:14:50,269 --> 00:14:52,567
- hi, babe.
- hi.
264
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:57,667
dad, i struck out
mark winstead six times.
265
00:14:57,702 --> 00:15:00,267
- yeah, i saw that in
the sports page. - dad-
266
00:15:00,302 --> 00:15:04,067
and something about
him being your boyfriend?
267
00:15:04,102 --> 00:15:06,133
what?
he is not my boyfriend.
268
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:08,400
you always strike out
the one you love...
269
00:15:08,435 --> 00:15:10,400
mrs. winstead.
270
00:15:10,435 --> 00:15:13,434
he is not my boyfriend.
i can't stand him.
271
00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:21,501
- did you get any beer?
- it's on the counter.
272
00:15:21,536 --> 00:15:23,767
thanks, honey.
you're a peach.
273
00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:30,000
hey, this is warm.
274
00:15:30,035 --> 00:15:31,934
that's all right.
275
00:15:33,634 --> 00:15:35,634
dan...?
276
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:37,634
yes?
277
00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,734
how come that sink
ain't fixed yet?
278
00:15:39,769 --> 00:15:42,300
i'm gonna get right on it.
aw, check this out.
279
00:15:42,335 --> 00:15:46,000
a genuine
hand-carved figurehead.
280
00:15:49,033 --> 00:15:51,100
uh-huh, yeah.
281
00:15:51,135 --> 00:15:54,367
when i get the boat finished, i'm
gonna slap this baby right on the front.
282
00:15:54,402 --> 00:15:56,868
- oh, you are, huh?
- yeah, ain't it a beaut?
283
00:15:56,903 --> 00:15:59,934
i can't believe dwight
was gonna throw this out.
284
00:15:59,969 --> 00:16:02,534
what were you doing
over at dwight's?
285
00:16:02,569 --> 00:16:04,834
me and freddy went over there
to help him work on this truck.
286
00:16:04,869 --> 00:16:06,968
you said you were gonna
start a job today.
287
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:10,200
well, i didn't get it.
somebody put in a lower bid.
288
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,734
so you had, like,
the whole day off?
289
00:16:12,769 --> 00:16:15,467
no, i didn't have
the whole day off.
290
00:16:15,502 --> 00:16:17,400
i was busy...
291
00:16:18,601 --> 00:16:20,534
making contacts.
292
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,868
with what, dwight's truck
and a six-pack?
293
00:16:24,903 --> 00:16:28,567
- oh, come on, roseanne.
- oh, come on, dan.
294
00:16:28,602 --> 00:16:31,000
i was hoping to kick
a little work my way.
295
00:16:31,035 --> 00:16:33,000
i got my last
two jobs from dwight.
296
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,534
well, maybe he can
get you your next wife.
297
00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,534
- maybe.
- ooh!
298
00:16:37,569 --> 00:16:39,534
what would
i ever do without you?
299
00:16:39,569 --> 00:16:43,100
just sit there and drink your beer,
hubby. i'll fix the sink myself.
300
00:16:43,135 --> 00:16:45,367
the hell you will.
i'll fix the sink.
301
00:16:45,402 --> 00:16:48,167
oh, talk is cheap,
mr. fix-it.
302
00:16:48,202 --> 00:16:51,267
fixing a sink is a husband's
job. i am the husband.
303
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:54,334
and i'm the wife, so it's my
job to do everything else, right?
304
00:16:54,369 --> 00:16:57,400
- oh, don't give me that.
- oh, well, it must be true.
305
00:16:57,435 --> 00:16:59,434
i put in eight hours a day
at the factory,
306
00:16:59,469 --> 00:17:01,467
then come home and put in
another eight hours.
307
00:17:01,502 --> 00:17:04,434
i'm running around like
a maniac, taking back-
308
00:17:04,469 --> 00:17:06,567
- mom, where's the tape? -
in the bathroom, third drawer-
309
00:17:06,602 --> 00:17:09,133
...bookbags, talking to
teachers and everything else,
310
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:11,334
- and you don't do nothing!
- whoa!
311
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:14,033
hey, i do plenty
around here.
312
00:17:14,068 --> 00:17:16,033
like what?
313
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,033
clean the gutters.
314
00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:19,567
and...?
315
00:17:19,602 --> 00:17:23,100
what's the point here,
roseanne?
316
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,634
there is no point,
okay?
317
00:17:26,669 --> 00:17:28,601
no point.
318
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:35,767
the point is...
319
00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:39,334
you think this
is a magic kingdom
320
00:17:39,369 --> 00:17:41,601
where you just sit
up here on your throne.
321
00:17:41,636 --> 00:17:43,100
- oh, yeah?
- yeah.
322
00:17:43,135 --> 00:17:45,300
and you think everything gets
done by some wonderful wizard.
323
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:47,300
poof!
the laundry's folded.
324
00:17:47,335 --> 00:17:49,300
poof!
dinner's on the table.
325
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:51,434
you want me to fix dinner? i'll fix dinner.
326
00:17:51,469 --> 00:17:53,501
i'm fixing dinner.
327
00:17:53,536 --> 00:17:58,334
oh, but, honey, you just
fixed dinner three years ago.
328
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:04,067
think i can't cook?
i can cook.i'm cooking.
329
00:18:04,102 --> 00:18:06,400
and i'll spend the rest of the
night washing up the dishes.
330
00:18:06,435 --> 00:18:08,934
- hey, i do the dishes.
- when?
331
00:18:08,969 --> 00:18:11,434
thursday, 6:45 p.m.
332
00:18:11,469 --> 00:18:13,968
1970-what?
333
00:18:16,934 --> 00:18:20,734
we can't have a big can of corn for dinner.
334
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:26,133
i'll do it. oh, let me do it. it's easier.
335
00:18:26,168 --> 00:18:28,367
see?
i try to help.
336
00:18:28,402 --> 00:18:31,834
well, you better try a little
bit harder. you know why?
337
00:18:31,869 --> 00:18:35,067
you better come down
off of your throne right now
338
00:18:35,102 --> 00:18:37,667
and start helping me out
'cause i'm getting fed up.
339
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:40,467
well, i got a royal
news flash for you-
340
00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:43,467
mom, dad! darlene cut her finger off!
341
00:18:43,502 --> 00:18:46,267
- roseanne: what happened?
- she cut herself with the scissors.
342
00:18:46,302 --> 00:18:50,367
let's see.okay.
come on, let's go.
343
00:18:50,402 --> 00:18:52,501
take her to
the emergency room!
344
00:18:52,536 --> 00:18:54,501
she needs
a tourniquet!
345
00:18:54,536 --> 00:18:56,834
shut up,
honey.
346
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,667
i'm just gonna rinse this off first, okay?
347
00:18:59,702 --> 00:19:02,200
- darlene: ow...
- dan: it's okay. it's gonna be all right.
348
00:19:02,235 --> 00:19:05,167
we just got to keep your
finger above your head.
349
00:19:05,202 --> 00:19:06,801
- but it hurts.
- yeah, honey.
350
00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:09,467
try not to think about your
finger. think about something else.
351
00:19:09,502 --> 00:19:11,467
- i can't.
- yeah, you can.
352
00:19:11,502 --> 00:19:13,734
- think about a flower.
- flower?
353
00:19:13,769 --> 00:19:16,200
yeah, close your eyes.
go ahead, close 'em.
354
00:19:16,235 --> 00:19:19,300
okay. now, think about a real pretty flower.
355
00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:21,300
it's out in the middle of the field,
356
00:19:21,335 --> 00:19:23,934
and the sun's
shining on it.
357
00:19:23,969 --> 00:19:26,067
- can you see it?
- no!
358
00:19:26,102 --> 00:19:29,801
forget about the flower
- think about the demolition derby.
359
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:34,100
- what about it?
- remember how that yellow station wagon got clobbered?
360
00:19:34,135 --> 00:19:36,601
yeah, that
was neat.
361
00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,601
and then two guys
sandwiched him
362
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,667
and slammed him
into a wall.
363
00:19:40,702 --> 00:19:43,767
- yeah?
- dan: and then ricky tornado come full speed
364
00:19:43,802 --> 00:19:47,067
and tore the guy's rear end
off and flipped him over.
365
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:50,000
yeah, that was
a blast.
366
00:19:50,035 --> 00:19:52,234
okay, bub,
you're all finished.
367
00:19:52,269 --> 00:19:54,167
- i am?
- yep.
368
00:19:54,202 --> 00:19:56,334
i didn't
even feel it.
369
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,801
- roseanne: pretty cool, huh?
- yeah.thanks.
370
00:20:07,701 --> 00:20:10,968
- are you hungry?
- not really.
371
00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:13,300
- great, i'll fix dinner.
- great.
372
00:20:32,068 --> 00:20:34,334
here you go.
373
00:20:34,369 --> 00:20:36,334
oh, thanks, babe.
374
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,000
thank you.
375
00:20:38,035 --> 00:20:39,501
honey, feel
that board.
376
00:20:39,536 --> 00:20:41,234
you won't believe
how smooth it is.
377
00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:43,234
run your hand along it.
feels good, huh?
378
00:20:43,269 --> 00:20:46,434
yeah, i'm trembling
with excitement.
379
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,200
just think...
380
00:20:50,235 --> 00:20:53,868
when you and i are retired, we're gonna
be cruising the caribbean on this baby.
381
00:20:53,903 --> 00:20:55,868
i'm not getting
on this thing.
382
00:20:55,903 --> 00:20:57,868
it'll be great.
383
00:20:57,903 --> 00:21:00,701
we'll spend our last years
together sailing through paradise.
384
00:21:00,736 --> 00:21:03,801
this sailor stuff
really turns you on, huh?
385
00:21:03,836 --> 00:21:05,567
absolutely.
386
00:21:05,602 --> 00:21:09,167
there's nothing more romantic
than drifting on the open sea.
387
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:11,167
- yeah?
- yeah.
388
00:21:11,202 --> 00:21:13,634
be all alone together
every night,
389
00:21:13,669 --> 00:21:15,801
cuddle up in bed...
390
00:21:15,836 --> 00:21:18,601
moonlight dancing
on the water.
391
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:24,067
every night will be
a voyage to ecstasy.
392
00:21:24,102 --> 00:21:27,300
you're
turning me on.
393
00:21:27,335 --> 00:21:30,234
- i am?
- yeah.let's do it.
394
00:21:30,269 --> 00:21:32,601
what about
the sink?
395
00:21:32,636 --> 00:21:35,767
anywhere
you want.
396
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:46,767
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