Original subtitles

WHEN I WAS A KID ALL I WANTED WAS TO GROW UP.

ONCE I DID, ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE A KID AGAIN.

I THOUGHT LOVE COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

I WAS SURE FALLING IN LOVE

MEANT YOU NEVER HAD TO GROW UP.

EVERY STORY HAS A BEGINNING.

I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD,

AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

AND THIS ISN'T IT.

THIS IS NEAR THE END.

GO BACK.

KEEP GOING BACK. FURTHER.

FURTHER.

NOPE, GOTTA KEEP MOVING.

THAT'S CUTE, BUT WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

BACK FURTHER.

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHERE OUR STORY BEGINS.

♪ ANOTHER DAY HAS JUST BEGUN ♪

♪ YOU SHINING LIKE A SUN ♪

♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ OH, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU GLOW ♪

♪ NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

♪ YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

♪ WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-OH-OH

HEY, SIS, ARE YOU BRINGING A GUY TO WATCH THE FIREWORKS?

WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I NEED A MAN

TO COMPLETE MY LIFE?

BECAUSE WE CAN ALL TELL HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE.

I'M NOT MISERABLE. I'M TOTALLY FINE.

- DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY. - WHAT ABOUT AFTER SERGIO

AND THE TENT OF DOOM AND DESPAIR?

CHLOE.

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS.

JUST LEAVE ME WHAT I NEED.

AND I'LL COME OUT SOON.

I PROMISE.

I THINK. I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S TIME TO COME OUT OF THE TENT.

YEAH, I'LL COME OUT AS SOON AS I PRY

THE SPOON OUT OF MY COLD DEAD FINGERS.

I GOTTA GO. I'M DRIVING, SO...

♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

♪ YOUR BEAUTIFUL

OH, SHIT.

HI. BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT?

LISTEN, I JUST HAVE ONE TEENSY LITTLE THING TO ASK YOU.

UH, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

JUST STOPPING LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?

OH, I'M SORRY, I WAS DISTRACTED

BY THAT OCTAGONAL SIGN THERE.

THE RED ONE, THAT SAYS STOP.

BY THE WAY, I'M FINE, THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

HELLO, THIS IS L.A. WE DON'T STOP.

WE PAUSE. LINGER BRIEFLY.

AND THEN WE KEEP GOING.

YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YA?

NO, I JUST RELOCATED FROM O.C.

LISTEN, I REALLY AM SORRY FOR HITTING YOUR CAR.

I'M EASILY DISTRACTED, BUT I'M TRYING TO CHANGE.

SO, IF THERE'S ANY DAMAGE TO YOUR CAR AT ALL, REALLY,

UM, THIS SHOULD COVER IT.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE BABALU.

WOW.

BABALU?

I'M HONORED.

I'M, UH, GLAD YOU RAN INTO ME.

PERHAPS I COULD, UH, BACK UP AND RAM YOU AGAIN?

UM, WELL, HERE'S MY CARD.

SO OFFICIAL.

JEFF, COOL. IT'S TRUSTWORTHY.

- I SHOULD PROBABLY GET YOUR NUMBER. - GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

SUDDENLY I'M BACK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

- OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO COOL? - OH, YEAH, AWESOME.

THE MOCKING, WEDGIES, CONSTANTLY FEELING INFERIOR.

CHLOE. IT'S A GREAT NAME.

THANK YOU.

I THINK I LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE JUST... OKAY

UM, ALL RIGHT, WELL...

- ONE QUESTION, TRUSTWORTHY JEFF. - YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO WATCH THE FIREWORKS LATER?

NO.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT WE CREATE OUR OWN REALITIES.

COUNTER-INTUITIVE BULLSHIT PSYCHO BABBLE.

NOW THERE'S A WHOLE GENERATION'S BEEN BRAINWASHED

INTO BELIEVING THAT THEY CAN CHANT OR MYSTICALLY CONJURE

THEIR CONCRETE GOALS INTO EXISTENCE

ON THEIR SECRET WISH BOARDS.

NO WONDER THE COUNTRY'S FALLING APART.

HONEY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

- HI, DAD, MOM. - WELL, HI, HONEY.

- THIS IS JEFF. - HI. NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

HE JUST ESCAPED FROM ORANGE COUNTY.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BRINGING SOMEONE.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO FIND SUCH A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN?

I DRUGGED HIM. AND THEN I BEAT HIM HARD INTO SUBMISSION.

MOM, YOU GOTTA STOP PUMPING ME WITH CONFIDENCE.

- SHE REAR-ENDED ME. - T.M.I., SON.

WHAT CHLOE DOES IN HER SPARE TIME IS HER BUSINESS.

- MOM, WHAT IS THIS? - OH, ISN'T THIS FABULOUS?

WE'RE GONNA PUT THE JACUZZI HERE.

THE YOGA TEMPLE OVER THERE.

AND IF I HAVE MY WAY, A DANCE STUDIO.

WHERE'S MY ROOM?

WELL, HONEY, WE'RE REMODELING.

YOUR ROOM'S BEING REPURPOSED.

MY CHILDHOOD IS BEING REPURPOSED?

OH, DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS, CHLOE.

WE JUST MOVED A FEW ROOM AROUND. IT'S NOTHING.

SO, JEFF, OC, WHAT'S THAT LIKE? HORRIBLE?

- HEY. - THIS IS MY SISTER, MANDY.

- HI. - SHE'S BEEN MARRIED 10 YEARS TO RANDY.

MANDY, THIS IS JEFF.

HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEY, I'M RANDY. RANDY AND MANDY.

YOU GET THAT? NAMES RHYME.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - SWEETHEART, CAN YOU PLEASE GO CHECK ON THE BABY?

YOU GOT IT.

BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ RISING UP TO LET US SING TO THE SEA ♪

♪ OH, WHY WON'T YOU TAKE ME? ♪

♪ GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS, OH, GIBBOUS MOON ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR HELP TONIGHT ♪

♪ I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING ♪

YOUR MOM AND YOU LIVE HERE?

IN THE BACK THERE'S A GUEST HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU STOPPING THE CAR?

THAT'S... ARE YOU GONNA TRY TO MAKE A MOVE?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OKAY.

- SORRY. - NO.

ALL RIGHT, COULD WE JUST DO IT ALREADY?

MY LIPS ARE GETTING NERVOUS.

YEAH.

I SHOULD GO.

NO, WAIT.

IT'S YOUR EYES.

AND I LOVE YOUR EYES.

I KNEW THE REST OF YOU WAS GREAT, TOO, BUT...

I LOVE YOUR EYES.

- I GOTTA... I'M GONNA GO. - OKAY.

THAT'S WEIRD, MY, UM, MY MIND

IS NOT CORRELATING WITH MY BODY.

I'M TRYING TO MOVE, BUT I'M NOT ABLE TO.

READY, SET, ONE-TWO-THREE.

YOU'RE SO SILLY.

- OKAY. - OKAY, YEAH.

I'LL WALK YOU.

CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

YEAH, OKAY. WHEN WE'RE ADULTS, AND NOT CRAZY TEENAGERS.

- RIGHT. - TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

- HI. - HEY.

- HI. - CHLOE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I DON'T KNOW.

I FELT LIKE I HAVE TO BE HERE.

I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU MY INSURANCE CARD.

- UM, SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVE IT. - YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S OKAY.

- COME HERE. - OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU.

I FEEL SO CRAZY.

DON'T FEEL CRAZY. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.

I WANTED YOU... I WANTED TO STILL

HANG OUT AND THEN... WE JUST... WE JUST MET.

IT'S OKAY. HEY, THERE'S NO HURRY.

WHAT? NO HURRY?

WHY? THEN WHY... WHY... I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME LEVEL...

A PAGE OF UM THIS HEAT... BURNING DESIRE,

- BUT THAT'S CLEARLY WRONG, SO I'LL JUST GO. - HEY, HEY.

NO! NO NAKED.

SEX ON THE FIRST DATE WOULD PUT ME

IN THE HO ZONE,

AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. WE HAVE TO WAIT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. GOTCHA.

- WE UH NEED A HO ZONE DEFENSE. - HOW LONG?

LAST TIME I CHECKED A DAY WAS 24 HOURS.

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA GET COMFORTABLE.

HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?

THREE MINUTES.

- WAIT, THIS IS - I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY

AND IMPULSIVE AND IT'S SO NOT LIKE ME.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SOME PRUDE,

BUT, I DON'T WANNA GET HURT.

I WON'T HURT YOU.

THAT'S WHAT SERGIO SAID.

SERGIO?

HE WROTE ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL POEMS.

SERGIO WHO WROTE YOU POEMS.

WE TALKED ABOUT KIDS, MARRIAGE, EVERYTHING.

AND THEN I FOUND HIM IN BED WITH MY BEST FRIENDS.

- WAIT, FRIENDS? PLURAL? - YEAH.

DANNY AND CHER ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

DID YOU TAKE ANY PICTURES?

NO. I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I TOOK A VIDEO.

- REALLY? - NO, SICKO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

MY LIFE HASN'T BEEN ALL THAT INTERESTING.

UNTIL YOU.

♪ WE'RE ALL TRAVELING DOWN THIS LONELY ROAD ♪

♪ WE'RE ALL TUMBLING IN THE TIDE ♪

♪ BUT I AM HERE TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

- OH, NO, NO WAY. -♪ WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE INSIDE US ♪

OH, NO! NO, WAY!

♪ THE WIND THAT WHISPERS IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ WHATEVER LIES DOWN THIS LONG WINDING ROAD ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE?

IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS.

THIS PLACE WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW,

THIS IS US.

THIS IS OUR PLACE, OKAY?

OKAY.

SO, I WISH I COULD WRITE YOU A POEM,

BUT I CAN'T, SO, HOW ABOUT A TOAST?

TO US, OUR NEW PLACE, AND FINDING AN APARTMENT.

- CHEERS. - CHEERS.

♪ BE YOURSELF AND KEEP YOUR HEART TRUE ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH

♪ DON'T HAVE TO FACE THIS WORLD ALONE ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH

♪ I'LL BE THE PLACE THAT YOU CALL HOME ♪

I'M GONNA DANCE ON THE FOUNTAINS

AND THEN I'M GONNA MOONWALK, YEAH!

HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?

- ALWAYS UP? - YEAH.

- YEAH? - BECAUSE OF MY DAD.

ONE TIME I GOT MADE FUN OF IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

THESE GIRLS THREW LOLLYPOPS

IN MY HAIR AND CALLED ME UGLY.

AND I CAME HOME CRYING AND MY DAD GRABBED ME

AND HE SAID TO ME,

KNOW MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR DOES,

YOU'RE THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD,

AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

AND IT KIND OF STUCK.

- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. - THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

- VERY MUCH. - GIVE ME A HUG.

LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE. AWW.

I HATE CANTALOUPE. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT MY MELONS?

GODDAMN IT, IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, IT'S MY MELONS.

YOU LOVE CANTALOUPE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD IT. NO MORE.

THE HECK WITH YOU.

LET'S PRETEND WE'RE AN OLD COUPLE.

I'M FLORENCE AND YOU'RE ELMER.

MAKING LOVE TO YOU, FLO.

OKAY.

MY HIP, IT'S MY HIP.

- IT'S OKAY. - IT'S KEEPING ME FROM DANCING

- AND MAKING LOVE. - WE DON'T NEED YOUR HIP.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

- WE CAN DO IT ANYWAY? - COME HERE.

- READY, DAD? - YEAH, I'M READY.

- READY? - I'M READY.

- YOU AWAKE? - I'M FINE. YOU JUST SERVE THE DAMN THING.

ALL RIGHT, 27-2 GAME POINT.

WHOO! I GOT IT!

AH, ALL RIGHT!

- WE WON, SUNSHINE. - THIS IS SO FUN, YEAH.

YEAH, GOOD JOB.

THE OBJECT, SO YOU KNOW, IS TO SCORE MORE POINTS

THAN THE OTHER TEAM AND THEN LET THEM WIN.

WHAT? SUCH AN IDIOT!

I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO HAVE FUN.

SO STUPID! OH, GOD.

- OH. - OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?

- YOU'VE BEEN SHOT. - I'M DEAD.

DID I DO SOMETHING? I FEEL LIKE YOUR DAD DOESN'T LIKE ME.

NO, HE JUST IS SUPER COMPETITIVE.

OH, JEFFY, COME IN.

- OH, YOU'RE HERE. - HI, NANA.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU. - OH, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU SO HAPPY.

I MEAN, SHE IS ADORABLE.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE HER.

WHERE DID YOU MEET HER?

UH... SHE JUST FOLLOWED ME HOME.

LATCHED ONTO MY BUMPER. I DROVE HER FOR MILES.

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING. LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY DOG

LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO GO

AND A PLACE TO BURY HER SOUL,

AND THERE'S MY JEFFY.

RIGHT INTO HIS ARMS. SHE IS A KEEPER.

- I THINK SO, TOO. - AWW.

- OH, THAT'S CUTE. - YEAH, THAT ONE IS CUTE.

- I LIKE THAT. - I CAN BRING MY BUNNIES.

PETS ALLOWED. IT'S ON PICO. NEVER MIND.

WAKING UP NEXT TO YOU EVERY MORNING

IS GOING TO BE SO...

- WEIRD, ISN'T IT? - NO.

LIKE WEIRD IN A GOOD DAY.

LIKE WEIRD IN A GOOD WAY.

LIKE A BRAVE NEW ADVENTURE WEIRD.

BUT EXCITING.

SWEETHEART, YOU ARE READY TO MOVE IN TOGETHER

- AREN'T YOU? - YES, AMAZINGLY HANDSOME MAN,

I'M READY.

JEFFY.

OH.

YOUR FATHER WANTS A WORD WITH YOU.

IN THE YURT.

IS IT REALLY SO DIFFICULT TO FIND A GIRL

WHO IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE?

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S RIGHT FOR,

EXCEPT MAYBE CLOWN SCHOOL.

SHE'S FRIVOLOUS. YOU TOO ARE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT, DAD.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER STICK TOGETHER.

YOU MARK MY WORDS.

SHE IS ENTIRELY WRONG FOR YOU.

WHAT IF SHE'S THE ONE, DAD?

WHAT IF I MARRY THIS GIRL?

DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR TAINTING OUR RELATIONSHIP?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO BE REALISTIC.

BE SERIOUS.

THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD WORK

IS IF SHE GROWS UP.

AND YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF, IS THAT EVER GONNA HAPPEN?

SHE IS TALKING TO A STRAW RABBIT.

YOU HAD A FLY ON YOUR EYE.

I GOT YOUR BACK.

LISTEN, I'M MAYBE NOT READY

FOR THIS WHOLE NESTING THING.

YEAH. I KNEW YOU'D SEE MY SIDE OF IT.

AH!

YOU'RE HERE!

WHAT IS THIS? I WANT ONE!

THAT IS A MAXI PLUNGE SUPER PLUNGER.

IT'S TO UNCLOG PIPES.

OH, NOT GONNA NEED NO BRAND MUFFINS

WITH THIS PUPPY IN THE HOUSE.

- YEAH, I HOPE NOT. - TELL ME THE TRUTH,

DOES THIS MAXI PLUNGE SUPER PLUNGER

TURN YOU ON THE WAY IT DOES ME?

I'LL THUMB WRESTLE YOU FOR IT.

WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING?

- COULD YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME? - MM-HMM.

- COME HERE. - MM-HMM.

COULD YOU DO SOMETHING? CAN YOU BE COMPLETELY

SERIOUS FOR ME FOR ONE MINUTE?

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A TEST. I DON'T LIKE TESTS.

WELL, LIFE IS FULL OF TESTS.

ONLY FOR THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO TAKE THEM.

HEY, I'M SERIOUS.

YEAH, MAYBE IF IT'LL UNCLOG YOUR PIPES.

HEY, PLEASE, FOR ME, JUST ONE MINUTE.

- ALL RIGHT. - OKAY?

WHEN DO I START? BOOK ME IN COACH.

WHEN I TELL YOU, OKAY, BUT FIRST GROUND RULES.

- OKAY. - THERE'S NO SMILING.

- NO SNICKERING, NO MOCKING, AND NO SILLY FACES.

GOT IT?

OKAY. SOUNDS LIKE SERIOUS SHIT.

STARTING NOW.

YOU'RE SKATING ON THIN ICE.

NO SMILING.

NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,

SIX, FIVE...

BABY, I'M SORRY. HEY, CHLOE, I'M SORRY.

I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR FACE.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH, THANKS, THANKS A LOT. - BABY, COME ON.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO BE SERIOUS?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SERIOUS ENOUGH

FOR THE BOTH OF US.

NOW LET MOMMY UNCLOG YOU.

WOULD YOU STOP?

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

PRETTY COOL, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT'S WRONG?

- DO YOU LIKE IT? - NOTHING. NOTHING. IT'S JUST KINDA FREAKY

THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE BUYING HOME FURNISHINGS

- WITH EACH OTHER. - OKAY, FORGET IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THE LAMP, IT SUCKS. I DON'T WANT IT.

NO, NO, I LOVE IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

NO, JUST FORGET IT. BEFORE IT WAS JUST A LAMP,

BUT NOW IT'S THE "WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST LAMP."

THIS WAS IT. I WAS GONNA MOVE IN WITH JEFF.

I WAS GONNA COHABITATE. MAYBE IT WAS HAPPENING.

MAYBE I WAS STARTING TO GROW UP.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

I HAD NO IDEA CHLOE WAS A SINGER, AND A MUSICIAN.

OH, SHE'S NOT REALLY. IT'S A RATHER UNFORTUNATE PHASE.

- OH, WELL. - SHE'S VERY TALENTED.

- SHE JUST NEEDS SOME SUPPORT. - OH.

I SUPPORT HER.

OH, MY GOD, HE INVITED HIS PARENTS.

- YOU CAN DO THIS. - YOU SHOULD REALLY RECONSIDER

THIS WHOLE THING.

I MEAN IF SHE IS TALENTED, THE MUSIC BUSINESS

- IS JUST BRUTAL. - DAD, CAN YOU JUST LISTEN

AND NOT BE JUDGMENTAL, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS, I'M SORRY.

OH, POOR THING.

HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU I INVITED MY PARENTS.

IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST STRESSED OUT.

HAVE A SEAT, SON.

THAT, UH, MULBERRY REPORT

IS MISSING A CONSTRUCTION ESTIMATE.

WHERE'S YOUR FLAG PIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, IF YOU WANNA BE A WINNER,

YOU GOTTA BEHAVE LIKE A WINNER,

AND SURROUND YOURSELF WITH WINNERS.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? - YEAH.

GOD. WHAT IS THIS?

THIS IS DISGUSTING.

THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S LIKE GRASS.

WE COULD MAKE CARPET ANGELS.

OH, LET'S DANCE. LET'S... LET'S PRETEND

WE'RE AT A DISCO, AND... AND YOU'RE LIKE HITTING ON ME

WITH YOUR DANCE MOVES, AND I'M LIKE DANCING IN THE CORNER.

AND, UH... WHY AREN'T YOU DANCING?

I DON'T WANNA LOOK STUPID.

THAT'S HALF THE FUN.

OH! I COULD PUT MY GUITAR HERE.

AND THEN A PINBALL MACHINE RIGHT AROUND HERE,

AND THEN, A... YOU KNOW, A CONGO SET COULD GO HERE,

AND THEN WE COULD GET A HORSE. WE COULD TOTALLY GET A HORSE

AND IT WOULD FIT. THIS IS AMAZING.

UM, BABE, I WAS THINKING MAYBE THIS COULD BE A SHARED OFFICE.

AND NOT EXCLUSIVELY YOUR SHE-MAN CAVE BARN.

BUT, DEARIE, WHY WOULD YOU WANT ANOTHER OFFICE?

YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE. YOU WANT ONE IN YOUR HOME?

THAT'S KIND OF SAD AND DEPRESSING.

NO, WELL, LOOK, I'M GONNA PUT IN A LOT OF HOURS

AND PROBABLY WORK FROM HOME, TOO, IF WE...

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IF I WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.

- A HOUSE? - YEAH. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GROW UP,

- YOU WORK, AND YOU SAVE, AND THEN YOU BUY A HOUSE. - OH, MAN. OH, HEART.

OH, GEE. YUP, OKAY, CALL 911.

- YEAH, I CALLED THEM. - CLEAR.

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M... FORGET IT.

WAIT, COME HERE.

COME HERE.

OKAY. TELL ME A SECRET. TELL ME SOMETHING.

I DON'T HAVE ANY SEC... YOU'RE CRAZY.

JUST TELL ME A SECRET.

SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY BEFORE.

- OKAY. - WE ALL HAVE SECRETS.

- YEAH. - WHAT'S YOURS?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

PLEASE, FOR ME.

OKAY. I...

GINNY?

WELL, I... I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY.

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.

- I'M SORRY. - OKAY. NO, IT'S OKAY.

NO WORRIES.

OH, HERE, YOU HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?

YEAH.

OH! A SQUIRREL! OH, SHOOT. SORRY.

- OH, MY GOD. - THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

- I'M TOTALLY SORRY. - THAT'S FINE.

WE'RE STILL GOING TO THE HALLOWEEN PARTY?

YEAH, WHY WOULDN'T WE?

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT CRAZY ABOUT COSTUMES.

NOT EVERYBODY LIKES TO PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT.

BUT IT'S FUN. IT'S FUN TO PRETEND.

YEAH, OKAY, WELL, JUST THAT... EVER SINCE WE'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE SOME PANICKING ANIMAL DESPERATE FOR ESCAPE,

SO I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

THE LAMP IS NOT YOU. IT'S NOT US. WE'RE FINE.

WE'RE TOTALLY FINE.

WE'RE JUST AS MUCH IN LOVE NOW

AS WE WERE WHEN WE FIRST MET.

I LIKE THE FIREWORKS.

EVERYTHING IS FINE. I PROMISE.

YOU PROMISE?

- HEY, YOU GOT GREAT FORM. - OH, THANK YOU.

- I SEE REAL POWER IN YOUR LEGS. - YEAH?

YEAH, SO, I TEACH A POTTERY CLASS

ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS OFF OF CHICK-LIT ROAD.

- AND OF COURSE I WOULDN'T CHARGE YOU... - OH, THAT'S SO NICE.

IF YOU WANTED TO MAYBE TRADE, YOU KNOW, WORKOUT TIPS

FOR YOUR LEGS FOR POTTERY,

I COULD REALLY TEACH YOU HOW TO FORM YOUR OWN POT.

OKAY, GREAT, UM, DO YOU HAVE A CARD?

EVERY SINGLE BREATH WE TAKE IS A GIFT.

YOU SEEM SO PEACEFUL.

I AM. I'M EXCEEDINGLY CONTENT.

HOW ARE YOU SO HAPPY?

WHY WOULD I CHOOSE TO BE ANY OTHER WAY?

CHOOSE?

THAT'S SO COOL.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN WITH THIS GIRL YOUR WORK HAS SLACKED OFF.

I NEED THAT ANALYSIS RETOOLED.

DAD, I CAN'T, ALL RIGHT? I HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT,

- I PROMISED CHLOE - YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME, ALL RIGHT?

PLAY TO WIN, OR GO HOME. NOW STEP IT UP.

AND HERE. LAST FLAG PIN.

TRY NOT TO LOSE IT.

♪ TRICK OR TREAT, TRICK OR TREAT ♪

♪ FEELING KINDA CREEPY

♪ NO, I'M NEVER GONNA SLEEP TILL WE MAKE 'EM ALL SCREAM ♪

♪ HIT THE LIGHTS, HIT THE LIGHTS ♪

♪ SEE THE LOOK IN THEIR EYES ♪

♪ GONNA GIVE THEM A FRIGHT ♪

♪ COUNTING DOWN IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WE'RE OUT TO GET YOU ♪

♪ NO TELLING WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO ♪

♪ GET WILD UNDER THE FULL MOON ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ WON'T BE WORSE THAN A NIGHTMARE ♪

♪ EVEN THE MONSTERS GET SCARED ♪

♪ YOU CAN ROLL WITH US, IF YOU DARE ♪

♪ WE COME ALIVE, LIVE, LIVE, LIVE ♪

HEY, SORRY, I'M RIDICULOUSLY LATE.

A BABY SEAL CLUBBING ITSELF?

YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF THIS TIME.

YOUR COSTUME IS INCREDIBLY DISTASTEFUL.

YOU PROMISED YOU'D WEAR A COSTUME.

BABE, THIS IS MY COSTUME, ALL RIGHT?

I'M A BUSINESSMAN.

I'M NOT JUST ANY BUSINESSMAN, MY LOVE,

BUT A REPUBLICAN. NOTE THE FLAG PIN?

YOU'RE COSTUME IS SO STUPID.

NO ONE'S EVEN GONNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

- HEY, GUYS. - NICE COSTUME.

THANKS FOR MAKING IT. BABY SEAL AND...

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY...

YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN BUSINESSMAN!

- OH, YEAH! - YOU'RE SO GOOD.

- THAT'S REALLY GOOD. - OH, MAN.

SHARP. YOU LOOK HANDSOME.

YEAH. DAPPER.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO, ON SHACKING UP.

SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS.

- YEAH. - I FINISHED MY MBA RECENTLY.

SO, WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA FOLLOW SUIT.

SHE'S AWESOME, ISN'T SHE, RIGHT?

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT.

OH, THANKS FOR BEING SO INSPIRING.

WE'RE GONNA GRAB A DRINK.

DID YOU UH... CHECK OUT THE APARTMENT ON 17TH?

- NOT YET. - WHY ARE YOU STALLING?

OKAY, LISTEN, I DON'T...

WHEN PEOPLE MOVE IN TOGETHER,

THEY BECOME ALL SERIOUS, AND I DON'T WANNA BECOME SERIOUS.

I DON'T WANNA START WEARING MOM JEANS

AND BIRD SWEATERS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

IS YOU THINK EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS SOME KINDA GIDDY JOKE,

SOME CARNIVAL RIDE.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SWEET IF YOU COULD HAVE

AT LEAST WORN A COSTUME, LIKE, SOMETHING FUNNY OR FUN.

YOU REMEMBER FUN, RIGHT?

LOOK, I HAD A BAD DAY, OKAY?

THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU, SO I SEE YOUR POINT.

WOW, WOW. LISTEN TO MR. SNARKY,

A PERSON THAT'S ALL LOVEY-DOVEY,

AND THEN ALL THOSE LITTLE ADORABLE QUIRKS

TURN INTO ANNOYING HABITS.

WHICH OF MY ADORABLE QUIRKS DO YOU FIND ANNOYING?

NOTHING. COME ON, LET'S DANCE, ELMER.

NO, GO AHEAD.

CAREFUL WITH YOUR HIP, CHLOE.

♪ FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN RELEASED INTO FREEDOM ♪

HEY, COOL COSTUME.

LOVE IT.

AH!

OH! OH!

RAISE THE ROOF.

GOOD.

WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?

OH, KELLY. I'M GONNA NEED A DRINK.

WHAT?

OKAY.

FEEL IT. FEELING IT.

YOU'RE AWESOME.

BYE.

GOD, I HATE MIMES.

ABOUT THOSE NOT SO ADORABLE QUIRKS MY SNARKY, LOVE...

HEY, NINE OUT OF TEN PEOPLE HATE MIMES. FACT.

THE WAY YOU SAY, "OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD."

IT'S LIKE I'M HAVING SEX WITH FATHER MULDOON.

AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.

- WHAT? - YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.

YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE CHICKENS FEET.

REALLY? OKAY. WELL, YOU SKIP ONE DAY WITH YOUR RAZOR,

AND SUDDENLY I'M IN BED WITH CHEWBACCA.

AND I WISH YOUR LIPS WERE BIGGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MY DAD WAS RIGHT,

- YOU DO NEED TO GO TO CLOWN SCHOOL. - THERE'S A CLOWN SCHOOL?

WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GROW UP, ARE YOU?

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.

YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A WHILE

AND WE DON'T TALK. WE DON'T ACTUALLY REALLY TALK.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST NOT AT ALL THAT COMPATIBLE.

MAYBE THERE'S NO MAYBE.

SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I SEE A VIABLE FUTURE WITH YOU.

I MEAN, YOU WORK IN A TOY STORE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I HAPPEN TO LOVE WORKING IN THAT TOY STORE.

- CAN WE REWIND? - THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - I'M SORRY.

NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT.

HONESTLY, THANK YOU FOR THAT. THAT WAS REALLY...

THIS ISN'T... THIS ISN'T WORKING.

THIS US THING IS NOT WORKING.

NO, I GUESS NOT.

WE SOUND LIKE TWO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GONNA MOVE IN TOGETHER.

I DISAGREE.

- YOU DO? - YEAH.

I THINK WE SOUND LIKE TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE BREAKING UP.

THIS IS IT.

OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING DOWN?

I GUESS.

JEFF, WAIT.

CAN I HAVE MY MEMORY FOAM PILLOW?

YEAH.

HERE'S YOUR MEMORY FOAM PILLOW.

IT REMEMBERS EVERYTHING.

OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

SPEAKING WHICH, HERE'S YOUR JESUS ACTION FIGURE,

YOUR BABY BOW, YOUR BABY TOOTHBRUSH,

OH, YEAH, AND THIS.

BABALU?

BUT I GAVE THESE THINGS TO YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOUR SILLY TOYS.

YOU USED TO LIKE MY SILLY TOYS.

YOU SAID I WAS RIDICULICIOUS.

MAYBE I'VE HAD ENOUGH RIDICULOUSITY.

♪ HERE I AM

♪ RIGHT HERE BEFORE YOU

♪ EXPLAINING IT TO YOU

♪ AND IT ALL COMES OUT THE WRONG WAY ♪

♪ HERE I AM

♪ LYING BESIDE YOU

♪ I'M DYING INSIDE

♪ AND IT ALL COMES OUT THE WRONG WAY ♪

♪ COMES OUT

♪ CAN DRY MY EYES, STOP FOOLING ♪

♪ DRY MY EYES AND LET IT GO ♪

♪ DRY MY EYES, STOP CALLING ♪

♪ BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW

♪ WHY YOU HAD TO GO

♪ IT'S NO SURPRISE

♪ WE WERE JUST RECKLESS

♪ NOW YOU'RE HAUNTING MY HEART ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT ALL TURNED OUT THE WRONG WAY ♪

♪ THE ROOM'S ALIVE

♪ WITH THE MEMORY OF VOICES ♪

♪ HAD A GHOST OF A CHANCE ♪

♪ BUT IT ALL TURNED OUT

♪ THE WRONG WAY

- CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT BREAKUP SEX? - COULD YOU JUST NOT.

COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX

- FOR THE NEXT 10 SECONDS? - SURE, I'M DOING IT NOW.

OKAY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT

- INSTEAD OF SEX? - BUFFALO WINGS.

BUFFALO WINGS? REALLY, JEFF?

COME ON, CHLOE, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW THE THREE MAJOR HOLIDAYS ARE BEARING DOWN ON US.

THANKSGIVING,

CHRISTMAS,

NEW YEAR'S.

BREAKING UP IS TOTALLY GONNA SUCK.

YEAH. IT'S GONNA BE REALLY AWKWARD.

I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH THE WHOLE HOLIDAY SEASON AS A VICTIM.

THIS REALLY SUCKS. I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH ALL THAT PITY.

OH, YOU POOR THING. ARE YOU OKAY?

"THAT IS SO SAD THAT YOU GUYS BROKE UP.

"I NEVER THOUGHT THAT." I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH THAT.

IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR.

WELL, NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

YEAH, I GUESS NOT.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, YOU FORGOT TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

WE CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS.

- YEAH, I KNOW. - GOOD NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.

HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUCCUMB

TO ALL THAT ROMANTIC BULLSHIT SOCIETY THROWS AT YOU.

ROMANCE, LOVE, MARRIAGE. IT'S ALL A MYTH.

DOES YOUR HUSBAND KNOW YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

OH, THE RING?

25 YEARS AGO, I GOT MARRIED TO MYSELF.

I NEVER HAD A HUSBAND.

I DON'T WANT ONE. I DON'T NEED ONE.

I'M TOTALLY FULFILLED.

AND PERFECTLY HAPPY BEING SINGLE.

- YOU ARE? - YES, VERY.

WHERE DO YOU FIND THE LOVE?

IT'S ALL AROUND YOU IF YOU JUST OPEN YOURSELF UP TO IT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND HAVE A CUP OF TEA TOMORROW?

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

SO, WELCOME TO MY NIRVANA.

JOINING US FOR TEA WE'VE GOT BUTTONS,

AND THEN WE HAVE ORLANDO AND NOODLES,

AND OVER THERE WITH THE CROOKED TAIL IS JO-JO.

ELEQUINN, HE'S ABOUT TO BE JOINING US FOR TEA,

AND THAT'S, OF COURSE, TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.

HOW'S JEFF? HE IS SO HANDSOME.

HAS A GOOD JOB.

YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO HIS MOM.

SHE SAID HE IS VERY RESPONSIBLE.

JUST WHAT YOU NEED... GROUNDED.

- WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF? - MOM.

DON'T YOU DARE LET HIM GET AWAY.

UH, DO YOU THINK THIS BIRD IS BIG ENOUGH?

UH... SURE.

- UH, JEFF, UM, UH... - OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU

BUT YOUR FATHER AND I ARE IN COUNSELING.

THE THERAPIST ASKED US WHAT STRENGTHS HOLD OUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER,

AND WE JUST SAT THERE LIKE THOSE BIG

EASTER ISLAND HEADS SAYING NOTHING.

WE COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

YOU AND DAD ARE IN THERAPY?

AND WHEN WE'RE IN CRISIS, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND

SAFE PLACES TO RETREAT TO.

SO, WE GET INTO A FIGHT, I COME INTO THE KITCHEN,

YOUR FATHER GOES IN THE BATHROOM.

HE WAS IN THERE FOR TWO DAYS.

THEN HE ROSE LIKE LAZARUS,

AND CLAIMED TO HAVE A GRAND EPIPHANY

AND HE WON'T TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

AND HOW IS JEFF?

- HE'S, WELL, HE'S... - BUTTERNUT SQUASH.

FORGOT THE BUTTERNUT SQUASH. MOVE IT.

WHEN I SEE THAT LOVELY GIRL, CHELSEA...

- CHLOE, NANA. - WHEN I SEE THAT LOVELY GIRL, CHELSEA

AND YOU TOGETHER,

OH, WELL, IT'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

AND I SEE THE BOTH OF YOU SO HAPPY

AND I REALIZE IT'S OKAY NOW,

I CAN DIE IN PEACE.

OH, REMEMBER, WHEN THE HEART SPEAKS,

LOVE LISTENS.

HERE, ONE IS FOR YOU AND ONE IS FOR CHELSEA.

OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

OH, IF I COULD JUST LIE DOWN RIGHT NOW

AND DIE, BUT I WON'T.

I WANNA SEE YOU TWO TOGETHER FOREVER.

- CHLOE! HI. - CHLOE.

- KELLY. - HI.

- BRIAN, HEY. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, IS THAT A RING? IS THAT NEW?

OH, YEAH. BRIAN GOT PROMOTED.

- REGIONAL MANAGER. - YES!

- NO BIG DEAL. - NO, IT IS.

IT'S A HUGE DEAL. IT'S HUGE. - IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH...

WHERE'S JEFF?

JEFF?

OH, MY GOD, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

EVERYTHING'S FINE. JEFF AND I ARE FINE.

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

- OH, GOD. - HONEY, YOU'RE SHAKING.

NO, I KNOW, I JUST... MY HEART STOPPED.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST SUCH AN ADORABLE COUPLE

THAT I... IF ANYTHING HAPPENED

I WOULD BE DEVASTATED.

BUT WE'RE FINE.

SO, WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN? THANKSGIVING.

- WE'LL SEE YOU SOON. YEAH, YEAH, YOU'LL SEE ME AT THANKSGIVING.

- ALL RIGHT. - AWESOME.

ALL RIGHT. GOBBLE GOBBLE.

YEAH.

TAKE CARE.

JUST RAN INTO KELLY AND BRIAN.

BRIAN GOT HER A RING. APPARENTLY THEY CAN AFFORD IT NOW.

"WHERE'S JEFF," SHE ASKED.

SHE LITERALLY SAID, "OH, MY GOD" TWICE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK OF TERROR IN HER EYES.

WELL, COUPLES DON'T LIKE IT WHEN FRIENDS BREAK UP.

IT'S AN ATTACK ON THE STATUS QUO.

THEY IMMEDIATELY START QUESTIONING THEY'RE OWN CHOICES.

"WHERE'S JEFF?"

THEY COULDN'T FATHOM THE FACT

THAT WE WEREN'T ATTACHED AT THE HIP.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.

I'LL NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH THANKSGIVING.

YEAH, NOT TO MENTION BOTH OUR PARENTS ARE EXPECTING US TO SHOW FACE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE SAD-EYED PATHETIC SINGLE GIRL.

OH, YEAH. HERE. IT'S FROM NANA.

- SHE REALLY LIKES YOU. - I REALLY LIKE HER, TOO.

THIS MAKES ME CRAZY. I'M GOING SUICIDAL HERE JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS.

WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

- WHO HAVE YOU TOLD? - NO ONE. YOU?

NOBODY. NOT YET.

WHAT IF WE JUST WENT TO THANKSGIVING

AS A COUPLE AND PRETENDED WE DIDN'T BREAK UP?

YOU KNOW, I'M IMPRESSED. WHAT AN INCREDIBLY DUMB IDEA.

NO, THAT SOUNDS PROBLEMATIC AND AWKWARD,

NOT TO MENTION EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL.

- REALLY? MORE AWKWARD... - YES.

THAN STAYING HOME ALONE OR GOING OUT

AND SUFFERING THROUGH THE PITY PARTIES?

BEING CONSTANTLY CONSOLED AND CODDLED

OVER OUR TRAGIC LOSS?

OKAY, SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS WE STAY TOGETHER

EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BROKEN UP IN ORDER TO AVOID

THE BITTER ANGUISH OF SOLITUDE,

OR ALL THE WELL-MEANING, BUT SOUL CRUSHING SYMPATHY?

WE CAN DO IT.

MAKE IT FUN.

FOR YOU.

SO I ASSUME I'LL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HOURS

OF YOUR CHILDISH ERRATIC BEHAVIOR?

AS I WILL HAVE TO SMILE DELIGHTFULLY AS YOU CONTINUE

YOUR PESSIMISTIC MARCH INTO MIDDLE AGE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

NO SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.

NO INAPPROPRIATE TOURETTE'S BLURTING.

BLURTING IS HENCEFORTH BANISHED.

- DEAL? - DEAL.

- SEAL IT WITH BREAKUP SEX? - NO.

- COME ON. - NOT. NEIN.

WE GOTTA SEAL THE DEAL.

CAPTAIN WINKIE'S GONNA HAVE TO FIND A NEW OUTLET.

HAVE YOU TRIED A LAMP SOCKET?

CAN WE AT LEAST HUG?

COME HERE. BRING IT IN.

OH, YEAH.

- HEY. - HEY.

WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS GOING FOR THE CHEEK.

- OKAY, TAKE THE CHEEK. - WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

IT WAS AMAZING. CAN WE GO IN NOW?

YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WAS LATE, AGAIN,

- AS USUAL, SUNSHINE. - OKAY, FOR THE RECORD,

AND THIS GOES ON YOUR PERMANENT RECORD, BY THE WAY,

YOU'RE TOO PUNCTUAL. IT COMES OFF STODGY AND DESPERATE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO IN WITHOUT ME?

WELL, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GO IN ALONE.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD GO IN TOGETHER,

- YOU KNOW, AS A COUPLE. - RIGHT.

NOT JUST ANY COUPLE, BUT THE PERFECT COUPLE THAT'S MADLY IN LOVE.

OKAY. OH, THE OLD SPICE IS DRIVING ME WILD.

- MOM! - WELL, HI, SWEETIE.

YOU REMEMBER TERRIFICALLY HANDSOME, WONDERFUL JEFF.

OH, OF COURSE I DO. I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET THE MAN YOU'RE LIVING WITH.

BY THE WAY, SWEETIE, WHEN IS THAT HOUSE WARMING?

UH, SOON-ISH,

- YOU KNOW, WE'RE STILL... - ISH?

- YEAH, YEAH, I MEAN. - WORK ON THE ISH.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

- HEY. HEY, THANKS. - WELCOME.

HEY, GUY, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.

- YOU WANT A DRINK? - UH, YEAH, SURE.

- WELL, I'LL GET YOU ONE. - YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

- IT'S NICE TO BE WELCOMED. - WHAT'S UP GUYS?

- HEY. - TAKING THE BIG STEP, HUH?

MOVING IN WITH ONE ANOTHER?

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH THE BUDDHISTS IN ARIZONA,

RANDY, COULD YOU, SWEETIE, COULD YOU PLEASE GO CHECK ON CONNOR?

- YEAH, SURE. - THANK YOU.

- HI, KIDDIES.. - HI.

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FAMILY.

AND I... I AM JUST SO THANKFUL

THAT CHLOE AND JEFF HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER,

AND I HOPE AND I PRAY THAT THEIR LOVING RELATIONSHIP

CONTINUES TO BLOSSOM AND...

THERE'S FRUIT IN THE FORM OF A GRANDCHILD.

OH, GOD, MOM.

- CHEERS. - ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S DRINK TO THAT.

ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT STRETCH MARKS?

DON'T BE WORRIED ABOUT THEM.

I HEARD THAT YOU TWO MOVED IN TOGETHER?

- YEAH. - YEAH, WE DID.

AND I'M NOTICING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE QUIRKS ABOUT HIM.

HE SNORES LIKE A BABY GOAT.

AND WHO KNEW HE WAS A BED WETTER.

- BUT THAT'S LOVE, RIGHT? - IT SURE IS.

SO WHERE IS THIS LOVE NEST?

ON PICO.

PICO? AND WHERE ON PICO?

IT'S ON PICO AND CLAM.

I DON'T... WHERE'S... WHERE IS THAT?

IT'S... I MEAN, IT'S ON PICO. DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

KELLY, IT'S THERE.

SO HOW'S IT GOIN'?

I MEAN, ARE YOU... ARE YOU GUYS STILL HOT FOR EACH OTHER?

YES, OH, MY GOD. WE ARE SO HOT.

I MEAN, WE ARE LIKE ANIMALS. LIKE, WOW.

SHE IS AN ANIMAL.

I MEAN, I CAN'T KEEP HER OFF ME.

I'M LIKE ENOUGH ALREADY. I'M LIKE HURTING IT.

I COULD USE ANOTHER GLASS OF WHITE WINE.

JEFF?

CUT THE BULLSHIT.

SERIOUSLY.

- GIRL TO GIRL. - OH, GIRL TO GIRL.

WELL, IF WE'RE DOING GIRL TO GIRL

THEN I SWEAR ON MY SACRED CHA-CHA

THAT JEFF AND I ARE SOUL MATES.

WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND, I'M A TRAIN WRECK.

OKAY, COME ON.

I'M NOT DUMB.

I'VE GOT BRAINS AND INTUITION.

- HERE YOU GO. - THANKS, JEFFY.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

JEFFY?

WAS SHE FLIRTING WITH YOU? ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HER?

NO. NO. KELLY?

THAT'S... THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHE DOES HAVE AN APPEAL IN A HOEY SORT OF WAY.

MEN LIKE THAT, DON'T THEY? THEY LIKE HOS.

NO, MEN DON'T LIKE HOS. THEY LOVE HOS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I DOING?

- YOU CAN LET GO NOW. - NO, HEY, WHAT IF SOMEONE GETS SUSPICIOUS?

NO ONE'S GONNA... JUST GET... YOU'RE SO ANNOYING.

JUST LET ME HOLD YOU. HEY.

- DID YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS? - DID YOU SMELL ME?

NOPE, NOPE. I DID NOT SHAVE MY LEGS. I'M GOING FULL MAMMAL.

JANE GOODALL'S FOLLOWING ME.

- YES, THAT'S SO HOT. - YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

IF YOU DON'T LET... FINE...

SOMETIMES IT DOES GET A LITTLE OLD THOUGH.

LIKE I WISH THAT RANDY WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE ON A LOVER

SO HE WOULD QUIT BOTHERING ME TO TAKE CARE OF HIS NEEDS.

THE ONLY TIME MANDY AND I HAVE SEX IN THE SAME ROOM

IS WHEN SHE WALKS IN ON ME MASTURBATING.

AND SHE USED TO WEAR THESE PANTIES, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A NICE THONG.

BUT NOW IT'S JUST THESE GIANT...

YOU KNOW, LIKE, ALMOST LIKE A... LIKE... LIKE A PARACHUTE...

LIKE A PARACHUTE KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW.

LOOKS LIKE SHE'S IN A BREAK DANCING MOVIE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE A REAL HORNY ORANGUTAN ALL THE TIME.

WOW, HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GUYS...

- AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH. - IT'S SO EXHAUSTING.

- THAT'S NOT THAT MUCH. - THAT IS A LOT.

AND I HAVE THESE FANTASIES.

WELL, THAT'S NORMAL.

I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE A GOOD FANTASY?

I GO IN THE KITCHEN AND I GRAB A CAST IRON SKILLET

AND I... I HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.

YEAH. AND THEN I STAND ABOVE THE BODY...

AND SHE'S NOT DEAD,

BUT I STAND ABOVE THE BODY...

AND I BASK IN THE SILENCE.

RANDY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA GO PICK UP HER.

NO, LET HER CRY. THEY NEED TO CRY THEMSELVES OUT.

YOU NEVER LET CHLOE CRY,

NOW IMAGINE IF YOU HAD SHE'S BE DIFFERENT.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.

IT'S OKAY. SHH.

DON'T LISTEN TO FRAULEIN HITLER.

GRANDPA'S HERE, OKAY, BABY?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SAME THING THAT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR 25 YEARS.

YOUR FATHER AND I JUST HAVE VERY DIFFERENT CONCEPTS OF CHILD REARING.

I KNOW.

REMEMBER THE TIME YOU TOOK AWAY ALL MY TOYS?

OH, FOR GOD SAKES, CHLOE, DON'T START ON ME TODAY.

I WAS SIX. YOU YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME TO CLEAN UP MY ROOM.

I DID, BUT THE TOYS WANTED TO STAY OUT AND PLAY.

SO EVEN THOUGH I PUT THEM BACK IN THE TOY BOX,

THEY WOULDN'T STAY IN. THEY CAME OUT

ALL BY THEMSELVES TO PLAY.

NOW I REMEMBER, YOU MADE UP THAT RIDICULOUS STORY

AND YOU WOULDN'T LET IT GO.

I WANTED YOU TO BELIEVE, AND YOU WOULDN'T.

HONEY, TOYS DON'T CLIMB OUT

OF A TOY BOX BY THEMSELVES, FOR GOD SAKES.

- I COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU. - I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BELIEVE ME,

I WANTED YOU TO BELIEVE WITH ME.

I THOUGHT THAT IF YOU COULD DO THAT,

THEN SO MANY OTHER THINGS COULD BE POSSIBLE.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN JUST PRETEND. YOU JUST TOOK AWAY MY TOYS.

- JUST FOR ONE DAY. YOU NEEDED TO LEARN. - OR MAYBE YOU DID.

WHAT WAS DAD'S BATHROOM EPIPHANY?

SHE'S SLEEPING NOW.

YOU KNOW, AMAZING THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE BATHROOM.

LET ME TELL YOU, PRINCESS, I REMEMBERED SPINNING

YET ANOTHER FANTASTIC YARN ABOUT INNOCENCE

OF YET ANOTHER ONE OF MY GUILTY REPREHENSIVE, UNREMORSEFUL CLIENTS,

AND I SPUN THIS WILD FABRICATION.

AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS.

CREATING ALTERNATE REALITIES.

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

WHY CAN'T I DO THAT FOR MY OWN LIFE?

LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE AND CONFESS TO YOUR DAUGHTER

THAT YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND... WITHOUT CONSULTING ME.

YOUR FATHER HAS THIS ALTER EGO, LARRY,

THAT YOU DON'T NEED A "LAWYER" LAWYER.

- HE'S SHOOTING THESE UTTERLY USELESS VIDEOS. - TOTALLY USEFUL.

SO USELESS THERE ARE NO WORDS,

AND HE'S POSTING THEM ON YOUTUBE.

PEOPLE SPEND THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY ON ATTORNEYS.

- IT'S A DISGRACE. - NOBODY SEES THESE.

MAYBE A FEW HUNDRED PEOPLE. IT'S PATHETIC.

OH, VISIONARIES ARE RARELY RECOGNIZED IN THEIR OWN TIME.

MOM, IF IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.

HE'S IGNORING HIS PRACTICE.

HE DOES NOTHING BUT SHOOT THESE INANE VIDEOS.

ESSENTIALLY, HE'S TRYING TO PUT HIMSELF OUT OF BUSINESS.

SHE'S EXAGGERATING. IT WAS ALWAYS HER SECOND BEST ORAL TALENT.

OH, THANK YOU, DEAR. I GUESS A TAKE AWAY FROM ALL THIS, CHLOE,

IS YOU DON'T LET THINGS BUILD UP BETWEEN YOU AND JEFF.

BE HONEST. LET YOUR FEELINGS OUT.

I REALLY LIKE JEFF.

- I THINK HE'S GREAT. - HMM.

- YOU GOT THOSE PIES FROM GLEASON'S, RIGHT? - YES.

THEY HAVE TO BE FROM GLEASON'S.

HE'S CRAZY ABOUT THE PUMPKIN PIE.

THE PROBLEM IS YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

NO, THE PROBLEM IS THAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU SO SO SNEAKY.

ARE WE VISITING OR ROBBING THIS PLACE?

NO, NO, WE'LL GO IN THE BACK,

WE WON'T HAVE TO MAKE SOME BIG PHONY ENTRANCE.

WE'RE JUST HAVING A CONVERSATION. WHY ARE YOU OVERREACTING?

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HEAR THOSE WORDS

- COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. - YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING MY INTENTIONS.

NO, YOU'VE MADE YOURSELF VERY CLEAR.

YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME AND IT'S WORKING.

I THINK I'M HAVING AN ANEURISM.

- WHAT DO WE DO? - I DON'T KNOW.

- OKAY. - NO, WE'LL GO THIS WAY. THEY MIGHT SEE US.

HI, MAMA.

- JEFFY! - HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

OH, HONEY, THANK YOU.

CHLOE. OH, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.

THANK YOU, SO DO YOU. YOU HAVE A VERY HEALTHY GLOW.

OH, SWEET. GLEASON'S.

- ARE THOSE PUMPKIN PIES? - MAYBE.

OH, I'M GONNA GO TAKE THEM OVER HERE.

SO HOW DO YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS LIKE NESTING TOGETHER?

OH, THE NOVELTY WEARS OFF

AND THEY START TO GET ON YOUR NERVES.

OH, SHE'S NOT GETTING ON MY NERVES.

IN FACT, SHE'S GONE SO MUCH OF THE TIME,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW SHE'S THERE.

- I REALLY MISS HER. - OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

YOU KNOW, YOUR GRANDFATHER, BERNHARD AND I,

USED TO BE LIKE THAT.

UNTIL HE MET THAT GUATEMALAN WHORE

AND MOVED TO NEW YORK.

AND THEN, WELL, HAD A HEART ATTACK, LIKE HE SHOULD.

- WHAT? - YES.

WHO WANTS GLEASON'S PUMPKIN PIE?

OVER HERE. BRING IT ON.

- FROM GLEASON'S. - OH, I LOVE THAT STORE.

- FRESH. - OH, LOOK AT THAT.

GIVE ME THE WHIPPED CREAM.

THANKS.

YEAH, THERE WE GO.

I KNEW IT. THESE PIES AREN'T FROM GLEASON'S.

THEY'RE FROM DOLLAR BARN.

YOU FORGED PIES? YOU ACTUALLY BROUGHT COUNTERFEIT

- GLEASON PUMPKIN PIES? - DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE

- FOR THOSE STUPID GLEASON'S PIES? - YES.

I LOST MY JOB.

WHAT? LIKE, HOW?

I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

WELL, I'D RATHER YOU NOT NOT SAY.

I'D RATHER YOU SAY SAY.

OKAY. YOU KNOW FRANK?

YEAH, THE OLD GUY WHO WORKS IN THE STOCK ROOM?

YEAH, WELL, MY MANAGER TOOK HER LUNCH BREAK

AND HE DECIDED TO LAY DOWN, AND, YOU KNOW,

HE WORKS TWO JOBS, AND HE FELL ASLEEP.

AND?

AND HE LOOKED COLD SO I LET HIM SLEEP

AND I PUT A BLANKET OVER HIM.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- VIDEO SURVEILLANCE. - OH.

BIG SISTER WAS WATCHING.

- OH, WOW. THAT SUCKS. - YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

THEY TOOK AWAY ALL OF YOUR TOYS?

I BET YOU HATED BEING A KID.

I LOVED BEING A KID.

UNTIL MY 12TH BIRTHDAY.

AFTER I BLEW OUT MY CANDLES MY DAD TOOK ME OUTSIDE

FOR THE TALK.

BIRDS AND THE BEES TALK?

NO. THE REAL LIFE TALK.

YOU KNOW, JEFF, REAL LIFE ISN'T LIKE BIRTHDAY PARTIES

WHERE PEOPLE BUY YOU SHIT

FOR FREE AND LOVE YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, SON.

WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU GOTTA WORK YOUR ASS OFF.

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT WOMEN'S LIB,

YOU'LL BE EXPECTED TO BE THE BREADWINNER.

ANYWAY.

HEAVY BIRTHDAYS.

THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

YEAH.

I DUNNO. I GUESS I JUST...

I KINDA STOPPED BEING A KID

A LITTLE BIT EVERY YEAR AFTER THAT.

JEFF, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THIS

WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS, IT'S JUST SO PERSONAL, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET TOO PERSONAL

WITH THE WOMAN YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH.

CHELSEA,

YOU DO LOVE HIM DON'T YOU?

I KNOW YOU'RE LIVING WITH THIS GIRL

AND YOU'RE FOND OF HER, BUT IN THE LONG RUN,

YOU WANT TO MERGE WITH SOMEBODY WHO MAKES BANK.

IS THAT WHAT YOU AND MOM WERE FIGHTING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, DAD, FORGET IT. YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME EVEN IF YOU WERE.

I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE TAKING CARE OF MY JEFFREY

- BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. - YEAH, HE DOES.

OH, BOY, AND YOU KNOW ABOUT MEN.

WELL, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT MEN,

- BUT THEY HAVE VERY, VERY COLORFUL NEEDS. - YEAH.

A LOT OF WANTS, A LOT OF DESIRES.

- YEAH. - ARE YOU WITH ME?

AND SERIOUSLY, IT TAKES TWO PAYCHECKS

TO CREATE A DECENT CASH FLOW IN TODAY'S ECONOMY.

WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO STOP STAYING IN TODAY'S ECONOMY?

AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU DON'T WANNA BE WITH SOMEBODY

WHO IS A DRAG ON YOUR BOTTOM LINE.

GOD, FORBID, DAD.

- YOU'RE SO RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER. - YEAH.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE A PART OF THIS FAMILY.

I'M GONNA GO HELP MOM IN THE KITCHEN.

HI MOM. CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

- OH, DEAR. - WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING.

OH, THE HELL WITH IT. YOUR FATHER WANTS AN OPEN MARRIAGE.

OH, GEES.

MA, HE'S AN IDIOT. ALL RIGHT, YOU POOR THING.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

OH, DON'T TELL HIM I SAID ANYTHING.

IT'LL ONLY EXACERBATE THIS.

IT'S OKAY. I KNOW A TERRIFIC THERAPIST.

YOU DO?

NO, BUT I THOUGHT I SHOULD AT LEAST OFFER.

OH, JEFFY, JEFFY, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

IT'S... IT'S EVERYTHING TO DO WITH US, SO YOU... YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SOMETIMES THINGS LIKE THIS, THEY JUST WORK THEMSELVES OUT.

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

YEAH, EXCEPT FOR THE BOLDFACE LYING PART.

YEAH, THAT... THAT WAS WEIRD.

HEY WHAT WAS UP WITH YOUR PARENTS?

ANOTHER TIME, OKAY?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE EVOLVING, OPENING UP.

I DID. OKAY? I AM, I WILL. I CAN.

ARE ANY OF THOSE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY TO YOU

BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

OKAY, JEFF, I'M GLAD WE DID WHAT WE DID.

IT WAS FUN, RIGHT?

COME ON, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

IT'S BETTER THAN BEING ALONE.

YEAH.

I'M GLAD YOU SHARED. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

I MEAN, IT MADE ME FEEL CLOSER TO YOU.

SO WOULD THAT BE CLOSE ENOUGH

FOR TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?

TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, DO NOT PUT SEX AND TURKEY

IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

AND, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

- I'LL SEE YA. - YUP.

I KNEW I WAS STILL IN LOVE, BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW

WAS WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

HOW COULD WE BE TOGETHER IF IT MEANT I HAD TO CHANGE WHO I WAS?

'CAUSE IT SURE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE HE WANTED TO CHANGE.

HE WAS SO EAGER TO JUMP RIGHT INTO IT.

INTO MIDDLE AGE, BUT I STILL MISSED HIS CUTE LITTLE CHIN.

- HEY, HI, HOW ARE YOU? - GREAT.

MY MOM INVITED YOUR PARENTS TO OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY

AND THEY INVITED KELLY AND BRIAN.

OH, GOD, NOT KELLY. SHE'S LIKE A DRUG-SNIFFING DOG.

YEAH, WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVEN'T COMMUNICATED EFFECTIVELY

WITH YOUR OWN PARENTS.

WELL, NO, THEY'RE ACTUALLY HAVING SOME ISSUES

SO THEY DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU MUST NOT HAVE TOLD YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY EITHER.

NO, I SUCK,

SO, ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?

- UH, YEAH, THERE'S THIS GUY. - I KNEW IT.

WHAT'S HE DO?

HE'S INTO SHOES.

WELL, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.

JEFF, WAIT, THERE'S NO GUY.

OKAY, WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,

I MEAN, MAYBE WE COULD GO TOGETHER.

JUST LIKE THANKSGIVING?

WE WILL CONTINUE THIS PATHETIC TWISTED FARCE.

WE'LL PUT ON ANOTHER DASHING PASSIONATE PERFORMANCE

- AS A PERFECT COUPLE. - SOUNDS GOOD. ON.

CHLOE, DO YOU, UM...

YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND.

I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW. OKAY.

GOD, WOULD IT KILL ME TO TELL HIM I MISS HIM?

WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT?

I'M SO LONELY, I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO HUG.

GET A CAT.

TRY CRAIGSLIST.

♪ THROUGH THE FIELD WE GO LAUGHING ALL THE WAY ♪

- HI, YA. - HI, YA.

WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT. YEAH, GLAD YOU CALLED ME.

- OH, OH. - OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING. OBVIOUSLY WHATEVER IT WAS WAS WRONG.

WAIT, NO, HEY, YOU JUST CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.

- IF YOU NEED A HUG. - NO, I'M GOOD.

- ARE YOU SURE? - YUP.

- YOU WORKING? - NOPE.

BUT I HAVE A LOT OF IRONS IN THE FIRE.

TONS, ACTUALLY.

YOU'RE BROKE, AREN'T YOU?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT?

LEAP TO RASH, UTTERLY GROUNDLESS CONCLUSIONS ABOUT ME

THAT HAPPEN TO BE TRUE.

GOD, I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

SUCH A LOOSER. LOW LIFE.

INEPT, USELESS, PIECE OF CRAP.

- YOU CAN JUMP IN AT ANYTIME. - YOU'RE NOT A LOSER.

IT'S JUST WITHOUT ME YOUR LIFE IS SPINNING

TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I DO HAVE SOMETHING THAT CAN REVERSE

YOUR CURRENT TREND.

JEFF, WE'RE NOT HAVING BREAKUP SEX, LET'S GO.

♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ♪

♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY

♪ OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

I'M FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

I REALLY DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT LYING ON CHRISTMAS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STOP PRETENDING AND...

WHAT AND TELL EVERYBODY?

STUPID? LIKE? WHAT? NO.

THAT'S INSANE.

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.

OKAY, LET'S DO IT. HONESTY AND INTEGRITY ALL THE WAY.

ALL THE WAY.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

- WE CAN DO IT. - WE'VE DONE IT.

- WE'VE DONE IT. - IT'S DONE.

- IT'S ALREADY DONE. - WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET,

BUT WHEN WE GO INSIDE WE'RE GONNA TELL EVERYBODY

WE'RE NOT A COUPLE. ON CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS. - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- WE'RE NOT TOGETHER. - WE BROKE UP.

A LONG TIME AGO, BUT WE'VE BEEN PRETENDING THIS WHOLE TIME.

YEAH.

YOU READY?

GIVE ME SOME WINE, SWEETHEART.

GIVE ME ROOM.

- HI, NANA. - HI, SWEETHEART.

- HI. - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHELSEA. CAN I HAVE A KISS, TOO?

- HI, NANA. - HI, SWEETHEART.

- NANA, I NEED TO SAY... - OKAY, I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL YOU BOTH.

WELL, I'M... I'M JUST NOT WELL

AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO MAKE IT

- THROUGH TWO MORE YEARS. - NANA, YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR.

NO, NO. I KNOW, BUT THIS IS SOMETHING I REALLY DO FEEL.

UM, I JUST KNOW THIS IS COMING.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET...

DRAMATIC.

- NANA. - NO.

I HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

THIS IS CALLED SOMEDAY MONEY,

AND I DON'T NEED THIS MONEY, BUT SOMEDAY YOU WILL.

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.

- NANA, I... - USE, UH...

YOU COULD BUY HER A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

- A HOUSE? - WELL, EVERY WOMAN WANTS A HOUSE

AND A DOG, AND A BABY,

AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS YOU TWO TOGETHER MORE.

- BUT, NANA, I... I CAN'T... - PLEASE, PLEASE.

- I CAN'T TAKE IT. - PLEASE. YES, YOU CAN.

I HID IT FROM BERNARD,

THAT G.D. SON OF A...

WHEN I SEE HIM, I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB.

THIS IS FOR YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY

AND TO GIVE ME THE PEACE I NEED.

- NANA, I... - PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL BOTH STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.

- LOOK, WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. - I KNOW.

- WELL, WHAT... SHE GAVE US CASH. - I SAW THAT.

IT LOOKS LIKE SHE ROBBED A BANK.

LET'S JUST... WE'LL TELL HER NOW.

- YOUR MOM'S COMING. LET'S TELL HER NOW. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- HI. - HI, MOM.

- OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- HI. - CHLOE.

- OH, YOU ARE SO, SO LOVELY. - THANK YOU.

- OH, LISTEN... - MM-HMM, YEAH.

- LISTEN TO ME. - OH.

WE HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

OH, WHAT'S THIS?

- THIS IS THE KEY TO OUR FAMILY. - OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I KNOW THAT CLARK

HAS A WAY OF LOCKING PEOPLE OUT,

BUT HE PICKED THIS OUT ESPECIALLY, SO...

LOOK.

- WOW, THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW, MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE THE LITTLE LOVE NEST?

MOM, I... I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE WE'RE JUST...

WE'RE BUSY... SWAMPED, WHAT WITH, YOU KNOW,

GIFTS, AND CHLOE'S NEW JOB.

WHAT?

OH, YOU HAVE A NEW JOB? HOW WONDERFUL.

- WHAT IS IT? - OH, IT'S KIDS.

WORKING WITH KIDS. KINDERGARTEN.

YUP, IT'S A PERFECT FIT FOR HER.

SHE'S ACTUALLY ENROLLED.

JEFF, STOP THAT. SO, WHAT, YOU'RE TEACHING?

NO, I'M ACTUALLY A TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.

BUT I AM GOING TO SCHOOL FOR A TEACHING DEGREE.

WELL, YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

YOU DO HAVE THAT SHEEN OF ACCOMPLISHMENT ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU?

- OH. - THANK YOU.

GIVE ME A MINUTE, I GOTTA GO TALK TO DAD.

YEAH.

I CAN'T KEEP THIS. I FEEL WAY TOO GUILTY.

YEAH, SO MUCH FOR THE HONESTY AND INTEGRITY THING, RIGHT?

YOU DIDN'T JUMP IN.

WHATEVER.

THE KINDERGARTEN TEACHING THING,

THAT WAS A SMOOTH MOVE.

JUST SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A WHILE.

- YEAH? - OH, GREAT. INCOMING.

- HEY. - HI.

SO WHAT'S UP... WHAT'S UP WITH EBENEZER BACK THERE?

OH, YOUR FATHER, HE'S BEEN IN SUCH A FOUL MOOD.

WELL, YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT AT THANKSGIVING?

- YEAH. - REMEMBER THAT?

- NO. - WHAT?

OH, CERTAINLY YOU TOLD CHLOE.

JEFF'S NOT MUCH OF A SHARER.

BOYS.

ALL RIGHT, SO JEFF'S FATHER WAS GOING ON AND ON

ABOUT AN OPEN MARRIAGE,

AND, WELL, NATURALLY, I WAS... I WAS CRUSHED,

BUT, I GAVE IN,

AND THERE'S THIS YOUNG MAN AT THE CLUB, FERNANDO,

THE TENNIS PRO,

AND HE'S SUCH A... HE'S SUCH A LARGE MAN, YOU KNOW?

AND, WELL, FRANKLY, I HAD FORGOTTEN

HOW INCREDIBLY INTENSE SEX COULD BE.

IT'S LIKE BIKRAM YOGA. I'VE NEVER SWEAT SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

MOM, PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU,

- DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE. - OH, POOH.

- I'M GONNA GO SEE MY PARENTS. - OKAY.

IT'S REALLY SORT OF DYNAMIC FOR HIM, YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS ON CHRISTMAS?

- I DON'T KNOW WHY WE NEED A DANCER. - BECAUSE YOU PROMISED ME.

- YOU SAID IT WAS THE ONE THING... - HEY.

- HEY. - OH, HI, HONEY.

YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF GRINCHES.

- WHO DIED? - NOBODY DIED. WE'RE FINE.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY. - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS. - YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEET BOYFRIEND.

- YOU'VE REALLY DONE WELL FOR YOURSELF. - UH, YEAH, SURE.

♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪

- HI. - HELLO.

- CHRISTMAS HUG? - OH, YES.

- OH. - MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HELLO, AGAIN.

- EXCUSE ME? - OH.

OH, IT'S YOU.

YOU TALK.

YES, UNFORTUNATELY.

SOMETIMES I GET A LITTLE NERVOUS

WHEN I'M AROUND BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

AND I TEND TO JIBBER JABBER

AND PUT MY FOOT IN MY MOUTH.

SOMETIMES BOTH FEET.

YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY REALLY FLEXIBLE.

I... WHEN I WAS A KID I PUT MY TOES IN MY MOUTH

AND I WOULD SUCK ON... SHIT.

YOU USED TO SUCK ON SHIT?

MY TOES, NOT SHIT.

I'M SORRY, IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN.

OH, NO, DON'T GO.

YOU'RE JUST OPENING UP AND SHARING.

AND BEING HONEST. IT'S NICE.

SO THE SCARY TOE-SUCKING GUY DIDN'T SCARE YOU AWAY?

NOT IF YOU KEEP YOUR SHOES ON.

SO, YOU CAME WITH KELLY?

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME ALONE.

BRIAN DUMPED HER.

- OH. - HELL OF A THING.

ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.

- WHO DOES THAT? - OH.

- SHE'S CRYING A LOT. - YEAH, SHOULD WE GO CHECK ON HER?

NO, I DON'T WANNA ENJOY THIS.

OKAY.

- KELLY. - GUYS.

- HEY, CUPCAKE, THERE YOU ARE. - WHAT'S WRONG.

BRIAN.

MARCIE.

SHE GOT HER MASTERS. I GOT MY MBA.

- MY MBA! - THAT BASTARD,

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.

OH, YOU GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU.

I MEAN, REALLY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. COME GIVE ME A HUG.

OH, OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.

YOU ARE, YOU ARE A GOOD, GOOD MAN.

- THANK YOU. - I'M GONNA GO FRESHEN UP.

- I'M GONNA GO TAKE CARE OF HER. - OKAY.

- WHAT WAS THAT? - WHAT WAS WHAT?

SHE WAS PRACTICALLY DRY HUMPING YOU.

AND THAT WOULD BOTHER YOU BECAUSE...?

YOU ARE... NOT MY PROBLEM MAKING A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF.

GO AHEAD.

HUMP AWAY.

- THANKS. - HAVE FUN.

THANKS.

- HI, NANA. - HI, CHELSEA.

- OH, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND? - THIS IS KELLY.

OH.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?

I MEAN, REALLY?

I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU KEEP BANGING THAT DRUM, KELLY.

- JEFF AND I ARE FINE. - RIGHT.

SO, THAT'S WHY HE'S BEEN SITTING OVER THERE

WAITING UNDER THE MISTLETOE FOR SOMEONE TO SUCK HIS LIPS OFF?

OH, HE'S FINE. HE'S A LONE WOLF.

NO, WHAT? FINE, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT, THEN I WILL.

NO, OKAY, GOD, COULD YOU BE MORE ANNOYING?

YOU HAVEN'T KISSED ME LIKE THAT IN FOREVER.

I WAS MERELY PRESERVING THE FACADE.

IT WAS AN ACT FOR DETECTIVE KELLY.

YOU LIKED THIS KISS, DIDN'T YOU?

EH.

IT WAS A PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE KISS

BETWEEN TWO INCOMPATIBLE ADULTS.

IT'S ALL MY TRAGICALLY THIN, LITTLE LIPS HAVE TO OFFER.

WELL, I THINK YOUR LIPS ARE THE BEST I'VE EVER MET.

REALLY?

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I FELT LIKE THIS STIRRING IN MY LOINS. YOU WANNA FEEL IT?

AH, THANKS FOR THE OFFER, BUT NO THANKS.

YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOINS TO FORGET IT.

I'M GONNA TURN THE OTHER WAY NOW.

YOU GO FIRST.

A JUGGLING KIT? YOU BRAT.

"BUILDING YOUR DREAM HOUSE."

THIS IS, UH, SO GROWN UP OF YOU.

I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING SILLY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR HEARTBREAK

AND I PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE ONE?

WELL, I DID.

GINNY.

I WANTED TO MARRY HER.

I PUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING ON HER FINGER,

BUT IT GOT STUCK, SO SHE CUT IT OFF

AND MAILED IT BACK TO ME IN PIECES.

I'M SORRY, I... I SHOULDN'T HAVE DUMPED ON YOU.

NO.

I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.

HEY, YOU.

- YOU. - YOU.

- YOU. - YOU.

- GOOD NIGHT. - MMM.

YOU KNOW, NEW YEAR'S EVE IS SNEAKING UP ON US.

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HOME ALONE.

NEITHER DO I.

MAYBE WE COULD GO TO PETER'S SOIREE TOGETHER?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S...

I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO SPEND NEW YEAR'S EVE ALONE, RIGHT?

- OKAY. - OKAY.

- READ UP. - YEAH.

I AM THE DELIBERATE CREATOR OF MY LIFE.

I CAN BE SERIOUS.

SERIOUSLY, TRUST ME.

I TRUST YOU, CHLOE.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.

YOU'LL CATCH ME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH ME? I TRUSTED YOU.

JEFF?

OH.

HI, DAD.

LISTEN, YOUR MOM IS VERY UPSET.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE DID.

UH...

I DON'T WANT TO REMODEL THE HOUSE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE HOUSE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - WELL, I...

OH, DAMN, SHE'S HOME EARLY.

HE WANTS TO SELL THE HOUSE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, SELL OUR HOME, OUR HOUSE.

IT'S NOT A HOUSE, IT'S AN $800,000 ALBATROSS.

IF I DON'T EVER CHANGE ANOTHER SPRINKLER HEAD

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'LL BE VERY HAPPY.

AND IF I NEVER STEP FOOT IN A HOME DEPOT AGAIN,

I WILL CONSIDER THE REST OF MY LIFE A GRAND SUCCESS.

OH, PLEASE, WE CAN HIRE PEOPLE TO DO THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO HIRE ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING MORE TO THIS HOUSE.

YOU SEE, THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU, SWEETHEART.

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE TAKING VACATIONS.

THAT'S GREAT. WAIT!

- VACATIONS? - SEPARATE.

OH, I AGREED TO A VACATION.

GIVE HIM TIME TO CLEAR HIS MUDDLED BRAIN.

BUT IT TURNS OUT OUR IDEAS OF VACATIONS

ARE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE.

I BOOKED A SPECTACULAR CRUISE WHERE EVERYTHING WAS PLANNED

DOWN TO THE LAST LITTLE ICE SCULPTURE WAS GOING TO BE...

GORGING OURSELVES ON A FLOATING HOTEL,

SUFFERING THROUGH HIDEOUS DINNER THEATER

WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO PRETEND YOU LIKE.

- I'D RATHER JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. - JUMP.

JUMP NOW. JUMP OFF THE LEDGE.

I AM FLYING TO ROME. THAT'S IT.

I'M FLYING TO ROME. I'M GOING TO RENT A CAR AND JUST DRIVE.

SEE WHERE THE WIND TAKES ME. FREE.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. WE WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

YOUR FATHER'S LOST HIS MIND. THINKS HE'S A BIRD.

AND DAMN PROUD OF IT.

BY THE WAY, SWEETHEART, HOW'S JEFF?

OH, UH, HE'S...

OH, MY, GOD, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME

YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LOSE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAP...

JEFF'S SUPER. HE'S GREAT, OKAY?

YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT US. WE'RE FINE.

FABULOUS.

HONEY, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

TEARS OF JOY.

OH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

I'M OUT. JUMP, DUMP, DRIVE... WHO CARES?

OH, HEY, JEFF.

HI, JEFF.

HEY, JEFF.

MAYBE DON'T WINK. OKAY, DON'T DO THAT.

OKAY. HEY, JEFF.

JEFF.

I'M WEARING THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS YOU BOUGHT ME.

HELLO, SISTA.

HOW ARE YA?

WHAT?

- DAD! ARE YOU OKAY? - I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

HONEY, IT WAS JUST PRECAUTIONARY.

YOU SAID CHEST PAINS.

HIS EKG IS NORMAL.

THE DOCTOR'S THINK IT WAS JUST A PANIC ATTACK.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE YOU.

- I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU. - YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOSE ME.

I'M FINE. I'M FINE, SWEETHEART.

- I PROMISE. - OKAY.

- LET'S GO, DEAR. - YEAH.

BUT LISTEN, YOUR MOTHER AND I

ARE STILL GOING TO GO ON A LONG CRUISE.

WELL, I'M NOT ENTIRELY OPPOSED TO FLYING TO ROME AND RENTING A CAR.

BUT I WANT RESERVATIONS FOR AT LEAST THE FIRST FEW NIGHTS.

SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY WAY?

CHLOE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN ROUGH ON YOU.

WAY TOO ROUGH.

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I ALWAYS WANTED SO MUCH FOR YOU.

I GUESS I KNEW THAT, BUT IT'S REALLY NICE TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.

DAD, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

- HEY, I'M GETTING OLDER, BUT I'VE GOT YOU THREE. - YOU SURE DO.

YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY TONIGHT. YOU GOING OUT ON A DATE?

YOU GOING TO A PARTY? YOU'RE GOING TO A PARTY, RIGHT?

- GO ON, GO, GO. - GO, HONEY.

NO, I'M NOT... I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.

I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

GO. GO LIVE THE LIFE I NO LONGER HAVE, OKAY?

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU, TOO. - OH, WE LOVE YOU, BABY.

- OKAY, MOM. - GO.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

HAVE FUN.

♪ THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO LET GO ♪

♪ RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING THAT I KNOW ♪

♪ GETTING READY, PUTTING ON MY NEW SHOES ♪

♪ NEW DRESS, NEW FACE...

♪ WE WILL MAKE A NIGHT THAT WE'LL REMEMBER ♪

♪ PARTY LIKE WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER ♪

♪ FAVORITE SONG IS BLASTING THROUGH THE STEREO ♪

♪ CALLS YOU, LET'S GO

- ♪ I'M LIVING THE LIFE - HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?

NO, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ME DANCE?

HEY, FINALLY BROKE UP WITH THAT BITCH.

- HELLO. - HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?

NO.

CHLOE! IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

DO YOU... DO YOU WANNA...

I'LL PUKE ON YOU.

CHLOE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOU'RE SWEET. WHAT IS...

- HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF? - JEFF GOLDBLUM?

CHLOE, I JUST THREW UP SPAGHETTI.

- WHAT? OKAY. - WAIT WAIT! WAIT!

- I DIDN'T EAT SPAGHETTI. - OH, GOD.

CHECK IT OUT.

DID YOU EVER SEE THESE BEFORE? IT'S CRAZY.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, JEFF.

YEAH. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

♪ GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS, OH, GIBBOUS MOON ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR HELP TONIGHT

♪ I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING ♪

♪ SAY YOU'LL BE BACK BY HERE, AND SOON ♪

♪ BATHING ME IN YOUR LIGHT

YOUR FATHER HAS DECIDED

HE WANTS A CLOSED MARRIAGE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ME? I'D LIKE A FEW MORE TENNIS LESSONS,

BUT I SHALL ABSTAIN.

- HI, MOM. - HI, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

BUT WE'VE BEEN DRIVING IN ITALY.

GOING FROM TOWN TO TOWN, STAYING IN THE MOST DARLING PLACES.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, JEFFY? HAVE YOU TALKED TO CHLOE?

YES, SHE'S, UM, GREAT.

YEAH, LOOK, MOM, I GOTTA GO.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

YOUR FATHER'S BEEN VERY HORNY.

OH, MY GOD, WE'VE HAD SO MUCH SEX I CAN BARELY WALK.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, MOM. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ANY OF THAT.

HONEY, PUT SOME PANTS ON.

I'M SORRY, YOUR FATHER, UM, WE DON'T KNOW, SWEETIE,

BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE HAVING THE BEST TIME. WE DON'T EVEN CARE.

HOW ARE YOU SWEETHEART? HAVE YOU HEARD FROM JEFF?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP.

IT'S OKAY. HAVE FUN IN ITALY.

- I CAN BARELY WALK, BUT... - YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.

- OKAY, I'M HANGING UP NOW. - BYE, SWEETHEART.

YOU MIGHT COME HOME WITH A LITTLE BROTHER.

NO, STOP. OKAY, I'M HANGING UP, BYE.

♪ THERE IS SOMETHING

♪ ABOUT YOU

♪ I DON'T KNOW

♪ WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN

♪ PLEASE STAY

♪ STICK AROUND

♪ AND I'LL SHOW YOU

♪ WHAT YOU DESERVE

♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

♪ OH, I HOPE YOU KNOW

♪ THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL

SHE WAS NEVER RIGHT FOR YOU.

I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT NOW,

BUT THIS IS FOR THE BEST. TRUST ME.

AND I NEED THIS ON MY DESK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

I DON'T CARE HOW LATE YOU GOTTA STAY

TO GET IT DONE, JUST GET IT DONE, OKAY?

- ♪ SOMETHING TRUE - YOU GOT IT.

♪ SOMETHING TRUE

♪ TO HOLD ONTO

♪ FOR DEAR, DEAR LIFE

♪ YOU ARE MY DEAR

♪ WHEN YOU ARE HERE

♪ THERE'S NOTHING ELSE

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.

THIS SONG IS CALLED "SOMETHING ABOUT YOU."

♪ YOUR SOUL AND MY SOUL

WHERE YOU GOING? JEFF!

♪ IT IS ONE

♪ OR SO IT FEELS

♪ SO I HAVE TO SAY

♪ THANK YOU

♪ FOR SHOWING ME HOW

♪ TO BE

♪ ME

♪ OH, I AM ME

♪ WHEN I'M NEXT TO YOU

♪ CAN'T YOU SEE

♪ IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE

♪ I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU

THANK YOU.

OH, YOU WENT FULL MIME ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

THAT'S NICE.

OH, YOUR HEART'S BEATING.

YEAH.

SO, ANYWAY, WITH MY NEW JOB

AND YOUR WEALTH MANAGEMENT SKILLS,

WE'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT TEAM.

- WE COULD HAVE, LIKE TEN KIDS, BABE. - YEAH.

OH, FOR ME? A CARD?

THANK YOU. "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. BE MINE."

OH, THAT'S NICE.

THANKS.

WHAT'S WRONG? DID I SAY SOMETHING?

UH, NO, NO, IT'S GREAT.

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

BABY, I GOT YOU A VALENTINE'S PRESENT.

CHLOE?

JEFF.

- YOU CAME TO OUR PLACE. - SO DID YOU.

- I SANG AT OPEN MIC NIGHT. - I KNOW.

- YOU DO? - YEAH.

- YOU KNOW? HOW DO YOU KNOW? - I WAS THERE.

- YOU WERE? - YEAH.

I WAS THERE. I WAS GONNA COME UP AND CONGRATULATE YOU,

BUT THEN I SAW YOU WITH HIM.

OH, YEAH.

THAT SONG, WHEN I WAS SINGING IT, IT WAS ABOUT YOU.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.

I'VE NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH ANYBODY ELSE.

AND I DON'T... I DON'T CARE IF WE PRETEND...

I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND, OKAY?

- IT'S REAL. - I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE AWAY FROM YOU.

YOU MAKE ME BETTER.

I'VE BEEN SO IMMATURE. I WILL GROW UP. - NO.

I'LL GROW UP. I CAN GROW UP.

NO, DON'T. GROWING UP IS STUPID.

I WANNA GO BACK TO BEING A KID WITH YOU.

- YOU DO? - YEAH, I DO.

WE CAN EVEN GO TO CLOWN SCHOOL IF YOU WANT.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, CHLOE.

I LOVE YOU.

I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

WHAT THE HELL, JEFF.

♪ WE'RE ALL TRAVELING DOWN THIS LONELY ROAD ♪

♪ WE'RE ALL TUMBLING IN THE TIDE ♪

♪ BUT I AM HERE TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE INSIDE OUR SOUL ♪

♪ THE WIND WHISPERS IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ WHATEVER LIES DOWN THIS OLD WINDING ROAD ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

♪ DON'T HAVE TO FACE THIS WORLD ALONE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

♪ I'LL BE THE PLACE THAT YOU CALL HOME ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ THE PAGE IS TURNING, YEARS GO BY ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ A HUNDRED BOOKS CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ A THOUSAND SONGS STILL DON'T RHYME ♪

♪ BE YOURSELF AND KEEP YOUR HEART TRUE ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE THIS WORLD ALONE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ I'LL BE THE PLACE THAT YOU CALL HOME ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ THE PAGE IS TURNING, YEARS GO BY ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE

♪ WE CHOOSE TO PLANT OUR ROOTS ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS BLOSSOM IN EACH OTHER'S LIGHT ♪

♪ AND FROM THE SHELTER OF YOUR OPEN ARMS ♪

♪ YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES

♪ AND SAY, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE THIS WORLD ALONE ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

♪ I'LL BE THE PLACE THAT YOU CALL HOME ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH

♪ THE PAGE IS TURNING, YEARS GO BY ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE ♪