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1
00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:36,401
Bullshit!
2
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:37,803
No.
3
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,571
Since when?
4
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,941
Since 15 years ago.
5
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,277
Bullshit.
6
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,311
No, it's not.
7
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,347
Where's your ring?
8
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,318
Ha! I know
a cracker Jack prize
9
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,287
when I see one.
Where is he, then?
10
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:56,722
He is in la
with a client right now.
11
00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:00,826
Okay, well,
where's your
wedding-type snapshots
12
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:04,763
and, you know,
pretty photos of you
and this husband?
13
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,298
We host a lot
of parties here,
14
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,768
and Grady thinks
that personal artifacts
are tacky, so that's why...
15
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,836
G... Grady?
Yes.
16
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,304
His name is Grady?
Come on.
17
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,940
Yes... yes, stensland,
his name is Grady.
18
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,611
Bullshit!
Ha! Nice try.
19
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,381
Jesus, I can't
believe you, Morgan.
20
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:23,682
Where...
Where are you going?
21
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,385
To expose
the lack of man clothing
in your closet
22
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:28,854
and prove that
you're bullshitting.
23
00:01:29,822 --> 00:01:31,890
What the fuck!
24
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:34,426
I'm married!
25
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,429
Tell me you don't have kids.
Were they watching us?
26
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,465
No. I don't...
Why would I have
my kids watching...
27
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,533
I don't have any kids.
28
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,402
You don't have kids
because he's a violent drunk.
29
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,670
No, we just...
He'd beat them.
30
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,905
Each other is all we've ever
really wanted or needed,
31
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,707
so we don't have kids.
32
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:53,912
"Was." So, you'll be
separated soon, right?
33
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,747
No.
34
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,950
Then what the fuck is this?
35
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,920
You held my hand
in the cab yesterday!
36
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,523
That isn't
the action of a woman
just looking for great sex
37
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:10,429
behind her hubby's back,
that's a woman
looking for doctor Zhivago!
38
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,397
This...
39
00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:16,802
He cheated on me, okay?
40
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,969
He cheated on you?
41
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:22,007
And I held your hand yesterday
because I like you, stensland.
42
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:27,612
Aw.
You know, I'm still...
I'm still crushable.
43
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:29,748
"Crushable"?
44
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,618
You can't even say
the word "love," can you?
45
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,388
You know, you can...
You can free the penis now.
46
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,056
I mean, I've seen you naked
for the past two days.
47
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:42,094
You've been seeing me naked
under sheets
and in limited light.
48
00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:44,563
I've got very wide hips
that make my unit
49
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,498
look a lot smaller
than it actually is.
50
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,100
So it's like
an optical illusion?
51
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,869
Yes! I've got bitch hips.
Leave it be.
52
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:54,406
Okay, listen.
This was so much fun.
53
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,140
And so, thank you.
54
00:02:55,142 --> 00:03:02,481
But this is the last time
that we will be
seeing each other, okay?
55
00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:06,785
Good. I was testing you.
56
00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:08,687
Oh, phew!
57
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,455
What a load off my mind.
58
00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:13,058
Oh, you know,
my biggest fear,
59
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,893
since we started
hookin' up, baby,
60
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:18,764
was that you would think
this was something
more than fucking,
61
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,732
like, god forbid, love.
62
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,401
Love, love, love.
Listen, I...
63
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,405
I didn't want to hurt you.
I'm really sorry.
64
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,540
You're sorry?
65
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:31,610
As for these...
66
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:36,014
Something tells me
they're due
for a dry cleaning.
67
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,682
Oh... what are you doing?
68
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:39,618
What is wrong with you?
69
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,652
Good day, madam.
70
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:44,156
Oh. Oh,
that was real mature.
71
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:12,017
What?
72
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:16,655
"Crushable"?
73
00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:19,458
How dare she?
74
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:20,892
All right, the usual.
75
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,895
One pink scone,
one strawberry milk.
76
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,163
So $4.53.
77
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,934
You, uh... you doing
all right, stensland?
78
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:34,606
Could someone let me
borrow 53 cents?
79
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,194
Sweet Christ, not now.
80
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,864
Woman, I don't know
what you're saying!
81
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,632
No, not a single
decipherable word!
82
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:04,503
It's the same
puzzling dance every day!
83
00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:06,905
Shut up!
84
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:16,615
You're not the smartest,
you're not the coolest,
85
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:17,782
you're not the best-looking,
86
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:20,552
but god damn it,
you are something.
87
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,121
You've got something
that attracts people.
88
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:26,625
You've got something
that attracts the ladies.
89
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,194
They don't know what it is,
you don't know what it is,
90
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:34,799
but it's there, cocooned,
growing and learning.
91
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:38,904
And one day, you'll bloom
into a big, beautiful condor
92
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:42,040
that people
will respect and fear.
93
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:47,012
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland,"
they'll say.
94
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:51,716
"I can't believe
that used to be stensland."
95
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,641
Hello, old friend.
96
00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:24,916
Go ahead.
97
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,318
Oh, great episode.
98
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:30,155
Stensland?
Oh, you are here.
99
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:32,357
Hey.
100
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:33,224
Hey.
101
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,292
Nah, I'm... I'm good.
102
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,028
I thought you said
you were going to
stop smoking during the day?
103
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,230
Oh, look,
my dead mom's back.
Great.
104
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,933
My god,
what's the matter with you?
105
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,903
Morgan
dumped me, okay?
106
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,304
She's married.
107
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,340
Is that the older lady
you met at
the furniture store?
108
00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:51,343
Don't make her sound
like Jessica tandy.
She's in her July.
109
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:55,313
Whatever, man.
At least you got
sex without strings.
110
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,748
I want strings.
111
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,651
I want commitment
and mutual adoration.
112
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,120
I want to pass the bong
to someone with boobs.
113
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:05,056
I want the danger
of forgetting anniversaries
114
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,625
and the pain
of holding in farts
115
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,892
because someone
is sharing my bed.
116
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:11,262
I want a girlfriend, Lyle.
I know, I know.
117
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,831
I'm sorry
to change the subject,
118
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,934
but you noticed
the cardboard boxes, right?
119
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:16,968
Did you drink and ebay?
120
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:20,238
No, I started
moving over to Linda's.
121
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,373
Already?
122
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,908
You need to find
another roommate, man.
123
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,310
Is this mine?
124
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,211
I like you.
125
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:30,749
I like you, too, buddy,
just not as much as Linda.
I love her.
126
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,117
All right, well,
I'm out of here
127
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,152
a week from tomorrow,
next Monday.
128
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:37,956
So find another roommate,
stens.
129
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,991
God damn it.
130
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,830
...life imitating art imitating life?
131
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:50,735
...and maybe, you know, it's not part of the plan.
132
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,237
Then again, I never thought that
133
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,874
losing you was part of the plan, either.
134
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:56,675
Oh...
135
00:07:56,677 --> 00:08:00,178
I think sometimes you have to lose somebody completely
136
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:04,049
before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
137
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:08,420
Oh, d-dog,
laying down the truth.
138
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:10,722
Hi, it's me...
139
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:11,956
Oh, Jesus!
140
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,291
Morgan, would you please
call me back?
141
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:16,094
I worry I'm beginning
to look desperate.
142
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,797
Phew!
It smells bad in here.
143
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,198
What are you doing?
144
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,366
Oh...
145
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,902
I'm, uh, relaxing.
146
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:25,403
What about work?
147
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:27,272
Oh, I'm on leave.
148
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:28,740
You're not in the Navy.
149
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,308
You work six-hour shifts
at an antique shop.
150
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,243
Why do you
need a leave?
My breakup!
151
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,813
For Christ's sake, man.
Was the sex that good?
152
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,182
Good?
It was transcendent, Lyle.
153
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,719
My spiritual self
is still making an o-face.
154
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,120
But I'm not
mourning the sex.
155
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,788
I'm mourning what
we might have been.
156
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:47,225
That tiny taste of affection
has made it very evident to me
157
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,927
that something's
missing from my life.
158
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:53,398
Okay. I'm just surprised
the store gave you
this much time off.
159
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,232
Well...
160
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:59,204
This is more like
one of those self-allotted
time-out leaves, you know?
161
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,205
What? Go to work!
162
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,874
Stensland! I'm going to be
totally moved out tomorrow.
163
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,242
You said I had till Monday.
164
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,477
Tomorrow is Monday, man.
165
00:09:05,479 --> 00:09:09,414
Tomorrow's Monday?
Tomorrow's Monday.
Come on.
166
00:09:09,915 --> 00:09:14,052
Shit. This chiba
is unforgiving.
167
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:53,892
Ah, Mr. laframboise.
168
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:57,996
I was just
mulling a froyo break.
You want one?
169
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,364
This is the last check.
170
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:02,534
You don't showing up one week,
no call, no nothing!
171
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:06,104
Wait a minute,
are we doing a scene
from the pawnbroker?
172
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:10,074
Mr. laframboise,
are you back in acting class?
That's great.
173
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:12,043
Get out!
Oh, okay, all right.
174
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,279
You're a passionate bear,
you're upset, I get it.
175
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,282
I need to work
on my communication skills,
that's clear.
176
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,151
But I'm pretty sure
i was already due
a vacation week,
177
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,320
so can we just
sit back, relax,
178
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,289
I'll put on some
Jasmine tea, chill out...
179
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,456
Sir?
What?
180
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,091
I think this varnish
may have turned,
181
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:31,896
and I would hate to compromise
the honesty of that
victorian end table.
182
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:34,299
Sorry, am I interrupting?
183
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:36,835
Who the fuck is this?
184
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:37,602
New stensland.
185
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:41,306
There's no other stensland.
How could you say that?
186
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,473
Um, my name is Pierce.
187
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,944
Mr. laframboise,
your assumption
that my absence
188
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:48,379
is barren of a logical
explanation offends me.
189
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,949
We're closer
than this.
No, we're not.
190
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,550
Okay, look,
here's what happened.
191
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,920
I was sideswiped
by a nasty cyclone
known as "woman."
192
00:10:55,922 --> 00:11:00,124
Lost aimlessly in her deceit,
and it stung like a biatch.
193
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:05,163
So, please, just give me
another chance.
194
00:11:05,497 --> 00:11:07,532
Fuck you!
195
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,179
Morgan!
196
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,285
Morgan!
197
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,020
Hey! Hey, asshole!
Come back here!
198
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,656
- Morgan!
- You can't go in there.
199
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,591
Morgan!
200
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:35,526
Stensland.
201
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,396
She remembers my name.
Shocker.
202
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,397
I'm calling security.
203
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,633
No, no. No, it's okay.
No, it's okay. We're okay.
204
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:42,634
You know this guy?
205
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,269
Yeah, no, no.
I'll handle it.
It's okay.
206
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:47,272
Moneypenny,
could you order us up
some sandwiches and lemonade?
207
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,339
This'll take a while.
208
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,941
- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will.
209
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,643
Thank you, Hannah.
Thanks, honey.
I got this.
210
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:54,212
Yeah, no, no, this is,
um... stensland.
211
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:58,149
It's not a thing at all.
It's just a, um...
212
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:01,119
Okay.
Thanks, honey.
213
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,455
What do you want?
"What do you want?"
214
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,556
We made love
a week ago.
215
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,559
I'm no dildo you wipe off
and put back in the drawer.
216
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,595
Why haven't you
called me back?
217
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,931
Because that was it.
218
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,365
It was a one-time thing.
219
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,034
I don't care
if you're married, Morgan.
220
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:19,037
I still love you.
You love me, it's just...
What?
221
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,605
What does that even mean?
222
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,408
It means let's keep on
keepin' on.
223
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,577
Let's ride this
naughty little secret.
224
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,378
No.
225
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,982
Why? Isn't he cheating
on you, too?
226
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:32,617
I don't know.
227
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:33,451
Oh...
228
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,954
Now you don't know!
229
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,195
Is that him?
230
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,964
Yes.
231
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,132
He has a moustache?
232
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:49,734
Yes.
233
00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:56,140
I want $15,000,
or I'm gonna tell him.
234
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,542
Mmm?
235
00:12:59,511 --> 00:13:00,545
I'm sorry.
236
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:04,082
I'm sorry, you're...
You're gonna
have to repeat that.
237
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,650
What?
238
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,553
I demand you pay me $15,000,
239
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:13,424
or I'm gonna find Grady
and tell him everything.
240
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,096
What the hell
are you doing, stens?
241
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:22,000
"Stens," she says!
Using the abridged
pet name to disarm me.
242
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,634
You're scared.
Really?
243
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,570
Grady's a criminal
defense lawyer.
244
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,606
I doubt he will believe
that I slept with you.
245
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:29,407
Okay?
246
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,075
Oh, he'll believe me,
all right.
247
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:34,245
Why? Did you
record us or something?
248
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,548
No, but I have
evidence of passion.
249
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:38,483
Remember this?
250
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:42,653
"Kiss me between
my shoulder blades,
stensland."
251
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,654
And remember this?
252
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:48,059
"Rub my ass like
this when you're going
down on me, stensland."
253
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,260
And what about this?
254
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,561
Will this be
evidence enough
255
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,197
when I explain to Grady
in graphic, carnal detail
256
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:57,635
that shaky little
twitch dance you do
when you come?
257
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:59,637
How does the chirp go?
258
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,048
You don't get it, do you?
259
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:10,815
What?
260
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:13,284
I already told him.
261
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:14,786
Bullshit.
262
00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:16,554
No, I did.
263
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,823
You see, I was...
264
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,626
I was looking for someone
to have an affair with,
265
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,327
so I could
throw it in his face
266
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:27,465
to show him that
I'm not just gonna
sit here and smile
267
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,800
while he tunes out
our marriage
268
00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:31,436
and does god knows
what he's doing out there.
269
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,438
Mm-hmm, and, uh,
what did he say?
270
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:37,075
He said a lot of stuff
that's none of your business.
271
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,743
But we're gonna
work it out.
272
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:42,380
You're going
to work it out?
Yeah.
273
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:46,150
Kid, I hate to crush
your spirit here,
274
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:49,287
but you're forcing me to.
275
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,355
You're my pawn.
276
00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:56,327
You're like my
little revenge marionette.
277
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:03,301
You haven't told him
diddly squat, have you?
278
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,537
Stensland holds
all the cards.
279
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,605
15 grand, sweetheart,
280
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:11,442
or me and Grady
are going to sit down
and talk Turkey.
281
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,511
Good day, madam.
282
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,546
Oh, look!
283
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:21,486
Uh-oh. The little
pitcher has big ears.
Yenta, yenta.
284
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:24,455
Who the fuck is that?
285
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:31,295
Hey.
Are you all right?
286
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,763
Yeah, no, I'm good. Um...
287
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:36,501
How much of that did you hear?
288
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:37,735
None of it.
289
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,570
Oh, okay.
290
00:15:39,671 --> 00:15:40,838
A little.
291
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,242
Okay, I heard everything.
292
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:45,443
You slept with that guy?
293
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,478
Oh, Hannah,
i was in the store,
and I was depressed,
294
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,549
and I was
thinking about, like,
"who the hell is Grady?"
295
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:54,218
And, "why the hell
am I in the store?"
296
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,353
And then this kid comes up
297
00:15:55,355 --> 00:16:00,258
and starts flirting with me
like I'm Princess grace
or something.
298
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,592
Now I have a stalker.
299
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:04,562
It's like, of course
i sleep with
the one guy on the planet
300
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:09,901
who's pissed off
that his one-night stand
isn't just a one-night stand.
301
00:16:09,903 --> 00:16:12,303
Don't sweat it, okay?
302
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,406
You already told Grady, so...
303
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,743
No.
You haven't told Grady?
304
00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:22,213
Yeah, you're screwed.
305
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,889
Balls of wonder,
balls of might...
306
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,728
Law offices of dott and rosen.
307
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:38,763
Grady dott, please.
308
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:41,399
I'm sorry, he's out of the office. Would you like his voicemail?
309
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,868
No, no, no,
patch me through
to his personal cell.
310
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,236
This is an emergency.
311
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,871
Your name?
Stensland.
312
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,940
Please hold.
Mmm-hmm.
313
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:51,842
Mr. stensland, what's this concerning?
314
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:55,479
Uh, I fucked his wife
many times?
315
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:58,382
Please hold.
Uh-huh.
316
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:01,319
Yeah, no baloney. Come on.
317
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,954
This is Grady dott.
318
00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,356
Mr. dott, my name
is stensland.
319
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,259
I'm a 29-year-old,
unemployed
diamond in the rough
320
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,461
with no foreseeable
opportunities for financial
321
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,896
or personal success
until my death.
322
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:16,300
It's my sad duty to inform you
that I met your wife,
Morgan, last week
323
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:17,735
in soft solutions
fine furnishings,
324
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,771
whereupon she took me
back to your home
and made love to me.
325
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,840
At no point over the weekend
did she inform me
326
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,009
that she was maritally
or otherwise spoken for...
327
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,478
Stensland?
Yeah?
328
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,580
She told me.
329
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,348
Oh.
330
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:34,719
Now I'm going to find you, and I'm going to kill you.
331
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,740
You need
to find yourself
a girl your own age.
332
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,776
One who hasn't
already been fucked up
by some other asshole,
333
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:03,414
so you can fuck her up
your own damn self,
your own damn way.
334
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,484
Ella, Internet dating
has turned you cold.
335
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,553
She's right.
This Morgan's a mess.
336
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:10,621
Stay sane, stay away.
337
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,691
Spend that love
on a woman who wants it.
Amen.
338
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,693
That's right.
339
00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:17,695
Hit me with it straight,
Denise.
340
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:20,831
Coast is clear.
No one's outside
your apartment, doll.
341
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,834
Typical. That chump
ain't gonna fight for her.
342
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:26,704
Ladies, let's get
shit-faced.
343
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:55,466
You've fucked
your last wife, stensland.
344
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:56,334
Stensland?
345
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,336
No, no, no.
Sir, my name
isn't stensland.
346
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,005
My name is Grady.
347
00:19:01,606 --> 00:19:02,707
Wrong.
348
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:03,708
Oh, god!
349
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:06,610
Don't! God...
350
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,118
Oh, god...
351
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,987
Hey, guy, the gun was
just to fuck with you.
352
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,489
So you're not
gonna kill me?
353
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,425
No. My receptionist
was listening in
when I threatened you,
354
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:22,927
which means I'd have
to kill her as well.
355
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,764
And there's no way
I'm breaking in
a new receptionist.
356
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,531
No, sir.
357
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:32,036
I am, however, going to kick
the ever-loving
shit out of you.
358
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:33,871
No, please...
359
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:38,542
Please don't kick
the ever-loving
shit out of me.
360
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:39,677
What are you doing?
361
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,846
I just...
I bruise so easily.
362
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,881
Come on.
363
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:46,384
Huh...
364
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,119
Just don't...
You've urinated
in your shorts.
365
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:52,390
Yes! You pointed
a gun at my face,
and I already had to go.
366
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,392
Jesus, Morgan!
367
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,427
This is bullshit.
368
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,795
She really knows
how to pick 'em.
369
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,096
She picked you
to cheat with?
370
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:01,766
Yes. Are you still
kicking the shit out of me?
371
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:05,703
Yes, so just sit there
and shut up.
372
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:10,775
Jesus Christ,
your apartment looks like
373
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,511
the cargo hold
of a pirate ship.
374
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,178
Thank you.
375
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,813
It's not a compliment,
dumbass.
376
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,182
This is literally
a shit hole.
377
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,049
It stinks.
378
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,018
What is that, beef
chow mein from last week?
379
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,454
And your bong water
spilled everywhere?
380
00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:26,457
And now it smells
like your cowardly urine.
381
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,491
It smells like man.
382
00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:31,495
Don't call yourself that
in front of me.
383
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:35,933
Huh.
384
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,701
I'll be damned.
385
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:39,970
I didn't realize
they still made those.
386
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:43,040
"Shanty.
Irish mulligan stew."
387
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,041
Hey, don't rag it.
388
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:47,445
That is a hearty bouillon
at an affordable price.
389
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,446
I know what it is.
390
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,582
It's all I ate
when I was poor
and pathetic like you.
391
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:55,119
Well, the tradition
continues.
392
00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:01,158
What happened
in your shorts?
393
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:03,527
It's a twosie.
394
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,898
Mmm, mmm.
395
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,801
Mmm, that was good.
396
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,503
Okay, so level with me.
397
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:15,172
Did Morgan pay you
to tell me you had sex?
398
00:21:15,174 --> 00:21:20,044
No.
And I didn't know
she was married either.
399
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:20,778
Yeah.
400
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,482
Hey, why did you
cheat on her?
401
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:28,152
I didn't cheat
on her. God...
402
00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:31,655
She picked up
a scent of perfume
on one of my shirts,
403
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:32,957
so that got her
to thinking,
404
00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:36,060
and you know what happens
when vexed women
start thinking.
405
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,863
Civilizations fall, son.
406
00:21:38,865 --> 00:21:39,964
You can bank on that.
407
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,932
So after a couple
of business trips ran long,
408
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:46,604
the logical conclusion
to her irrational
female intellect
409
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:49,907
was that I was
in fact cheating.
410
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:50,841
Typical women.
411
00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:54,512
A brother can't even
be late and tired.
412
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,114
That's for sure.
413
00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:58,616
Oh, we give them
our hearts,
414
00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:02,186
our penises,
and still
they do not trust us.
415
00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:07,191
That was a good one.
416
00:22:07,193 --> 00:22:09,193
The old shower vomit.
417
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:11,295
Yeah, I miss those days.
418
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:15,099
Yeah, I mean,
after 15 years
of marriage,
419
00:22:15,101 --> 00:22:16,133
it's not so hot anymore.
420
00:22:16,135 --> 00:22:19,169
Do I get the urge
to mess around
with other women?
421
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,137
Of course I do.
422
00:22:20,139 --> 00:22:23,140
You can't control
what goes through
this mastermind.
423
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:23,841
No.
424
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:27,278
That'd go against
the very nature of man,
the very essence of evolution.
425
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,314
When I get the desire
to bang some strange,
426
00:22:30,316 --> 00:22:33,918
I just go find
a quiet place, rub one out.
427
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,686
Hence, desire quenched.
428
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,055
Hey, you don't have
to tell me about quenches.
429
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:42,059
I desire my quench
all the fuckin' time.
430
00:22:42,193 --> 00:22:43,894
But you don't hate me?
431
00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:46,030
No, I don't hate you.
432
00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:48,732
Morgan's a beautiful woman.
433
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:51,035
What are you gonna do?
434
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:53,304
Ah, don't worry about me.
435
00:22:53,306 --> 00:22:55,806
Just get some rest.
436
00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:42,052
What the...
437
00:23:48,259 --> 00:23:53,397
Ah, there's the ol' lush,
sleeping in.
438
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,634
Oh, I hope you don't mind,
i took a couple of hits
off the bong.
439
00:23:56,636 --> 00:24:00,904
I hadn't gotten high
since the stones'
"Bridges to Babylon" tour.
440
00:24:00,906 --> 00:24:03,741
Yeah.
How do you like
your eggs?
441
00:24:03,743 --> 00:24:04,808
Um...
442
00:24:04,810 --> 00:24:05,909
Scrambled?
443
00:24:05,911 --> 00:24:06,877
Scrambled it is.
444
00:24:06,879 --> 00:24:08,779
Four out of five American men
prefer scrambled.
445
00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:12,950
Over there in Europe,
they're all about the poach.
446
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:16,020
Those guys are such pussies.
447
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,388
Bacon?
448
00:24:17,390 --> 00:24:19,089
Uh, sure.
449
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:20,958
I had bacon? And eggs?
450
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,028
No. I went out
and picked up
a few things.
451
00:24:24,030 --> 00:24:26,230
Yeah,
including some luggage.
452
00:24:26,232 --> 00:24:29,099
No, that was in the car.
453
00:24:29,834 --> 00:24:32,236
So, you left her.
454
00:24:32,238 --> 00:24:35,873
Temporarily.
She'll feel
more guilt that way.
455
00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,208
Ooh! Ah...
456
00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:41,278
There she is. "Decline."
457
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,882
Oh, you know what?
I saw this article
on the refrigerator.
458
00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:49,319
Piqued my curiosity.
"Men's life crisis at age 25."
459
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,288
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with me.
460
00:24:51,290 --> 00:24:54,391
There is now a life crisis
before the mid-life crisis
461
00:24:54,393 --> 00:24:58,696
that experts are calling
the "early-life crisis."
462
00:24:58,698 --> 00:24:59,730
Oh, that's clever.
463
00:24:59,732 --> 00:25:01,932
Yeah. I've been
stuck in one of those.
464
00:25:01,934 --> 00:25:03,067
Yeah? For how long?
465
00:25:03,069 --> 00:25:04,768
Just over eight years.
466
00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:05,769
Close to a decade.
467
00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:08,338
I'm suffering
from over-ambitious
aspirations for myself,
468
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:11,375
so I worry about
getting a better job,
469
00:25:11,377 --> 00:25:12,910
I desire
a nicer place to live,
470
00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:15,379
and swankier clothes to wear,
and hotter girls.
471
00:25:15,381 --> 00:25:20,117
And I want to attain
all of this while
I'm eradicating my debt.
472
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:21,285
It's ridiculous.
473
00:25:21,287 --> 00:25:23,854
"Should adopt
more realistic ambitions
474
00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:26,023
"to feel happier
and less stress."
475
00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:27,458
That's easy
for them to say.
476
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:31,161
They have an awesome job
at a magazine.
477
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,430
Dickheads.
478
00:25:38,804 --> 00:25:41,205
I'm moving in here
for a while.
479
00:25:41,806 --> 00:25:42,806
What?
Yeah.
480
00:25:42,808 --> 00:25:46,777
Morgan's faithlessness
has emboldened me
481
00:25:46,779 --> 00:25:49,079
to take a vacation
from her,
482
00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:52,449
from our marriage,
from my career.
483
00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:53,984
Yeah. I want
to spend it here.
484
00:25:53,986 --> 00:25:57,421
You said it looked like
a pirate ship
and smelled of beef noodles.
485
00:25:57,423 --> 00:26:02,359
And you said
it smelled of man,
and you were right.
486
00:26:02,494 --> 00:26:03,761
I... I was?
487
00:26:03,763 --> 00:26:06,063
Yes. What the fuck
am I going to do?
488
00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:07,865
I'm going to lay around
a swanky hotel
489
00:26:07,867 --> 00:26:12,503
swimming pool in a fluffy robe
with a slice of cucumber
in my water?
490
00:26:12,505 --> 00:26:15,272
Order caviar-topped potatoes?
491
00:26:15,274 --> 00:26:16,206
Get massages?
492
00:26:16,208 --> 00:26:18,942
I started making
a little bit of money
as a lawyer
493
00:26:18,944 --> 00:26:22,112
and turned
into George Hamilton.
494
00:26:22,114 --> 00:26:23,247
I don't know who that is.
495
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:26,950
Morgan is largely responsible
for me becoming fancy.
496
00:26:26,952 --> 00:26:31,155
The flat screen
had to be moved
out of the bathroom.
497
00:26:31,157 --> 00:26:34,391
Can't eat any food
anywhere near
the Italian bed linens.
498
00:26:34,393 --> 00:26:38,996
She's even got me
wearing pink Polo shirts
on the weekend.
499
00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:40,130
Pink is sometimes nice.
500
00:26:40,132 --> 00:26:41,532
Yeah, it's nice
on birthday cakes.
501
00:26:41,534 --> 00:26:46,303
But it doesn't belong
on a rough-riding
son of a bitch like me.
502
00:26:46,305 --> 00:26:47,137
Or you!
503
00:26:47,139 --> 00:26:52,009
This whole man-shed experience
has brought me back
to a blissful time
504
00:26:52,011 --> 00:26:53,577
when I was
emotionally unformed
505
00:26:53,579 --> 00:26:57,881
and completely devoid
of a woman's
redecorating tips.
506
00:26:57,883 --> 00:27:01,218
All I did in those days
was follow my pecker around.
507
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:05,022
I didn't give a fuck
about anybody or anything.
508
00:27:05,024 --> 00:27:07,524
Here.
What I need is here.
509
00:27:07,526 --> 00:27:09,226
I can do anything.
510
00:27:09,228 --> 00:27:12,462
I can freeball
on this ugly couch.
511
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,430
Don't say that.
512
00:27:13,432 --> 00:27:16,366
I can eat chili fries
in that filthy shower.
513
00:27:16,368 --> 00:27:21,605
I can binge-drink
without judgment
anytime I want.
514
00:27:21,607 --> 00:27:25,609
I appreciate you making
my man-shed sound poetic,
515
00:27:25,611 --> 00:27:29,246
but why don't you just
get your own private flop?
516
00:27:29,248 --> 00:27:31,548
Why do you need
to share with me?
517
00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:32,983
That's the genius part.
518
00:27:32,985 --> 00:27:40,057
This is the ice cream
on top of the pie,
on top of the candy bar.
519
00:27:40,458 --> 00:27:42,593
You don't see it, do you?
520
00:27:43,194 --> 00:27:44,027
I don't.
521
00:27:44,029 --> 00:27:47,064
Morgan's fucked us
both over, correct?
522
00:27:47,632 --> 00:27:48,565
Very correct.
523
00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:52,269
Do you know how batshit crazy
she is gonna go
524
00:27:52,271 --> 00:27:56,206
when she finds out
that we're living together?
525
00:27:56,908 --> 00:27:57,474
Ooh.
526
00:27:57,476 --> 00:27:59,176
I'm going to pay
the rent.
527
00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:00,477
I'm gonna pay
for utilities,
528
00:28:00,479 --> 00:28:04,314
groceries, weed,
booze, whatever.
529
00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:07,117
I'm going to pay
for everything.
530
00:28:08,888 --> 00:28:11,622
Rent's due on the first.
531
00:28:14,125 --> 00:28:18,328
And the first variation is to lean to one skate.
532
00:28:18,330 --> 00:28:20,464
This is a really good stretch for your side.
533
00:28:20,466 --> 00:28:24,468
Okay, go ahead and come up, square your shoulders.
534
00:28:24,470 --> 00:28:27,504
Try to reach for your other skate.
535
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,374
Shit, that's
a cop knock.
536
00:28:30,376 --> 00:28:33,143
No, that's
a muumuu knock.
537
00:28:34,146 --> 00:28:36,446
Wait, this could
be the weed talking,
538
00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:37,648
but there's a cow
at the door?
539
00:28:37,650 --> 00:28:42,419
No, it's our
indecipherable landlord
who only wears guess what?
540
00:28:42,421 --> 00:28:46,056
Sorry about
the noise last night.
541
00:28:46,691 --> 00:28:47,591
She sounds sexy.
542
00:28:47,593 --> 00:28:50,260
Yeah, she's got
charm for days.
543
00:28:50,262 --> 00:28:51,695
Lyle, my old roommate,
544
00:28:51,697 --> 00:28:55,599
he thinks she runs guns
out of the laundry room.
545
00:28:57,602 --> 00:29:00,570
What are your plans
for the rest of the day?
Hmm...
546
00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:05,042
These leg lunges
supersede any plans I had
for the rest of my life.
547
00:29:05,044 --> 00:29:07,444
Lean into it.
548
00:29:07,446 --> 00:29:08,612
Don't forget to breathe.
549
00:29:08,614 --> 00:29:12,582
You know
where I've always
wanted to have lunch?
550
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:17,387
How's it going
with that hangover?
551
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:18,689
I think
it's getting worse.
552
00:29:18,691 --> 00:29:22,559
Well, damn it, boy,
hit it with another
engineer beer.
553
00:29:22,561 --> 00:29:25,462
Or some of that
choo-choo chicken.
554
00:29:25,530 --> 00:29:26,596
Look at this.
555
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:28,398
We had breakfast,
like, an hour ago.
556
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,501
Slow down.
You're going to give
yourself a heart attack.
557
00:29:31,503 --> 00:29:33,103
Get used to my gluttony.
558
00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:36,273
I tend to eat
a lot on vacation.
559
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:39,242
Did... that... did...
What the fuck?
560
00:29:39,244 --> 00:29:43,547
That guy just took
the last of
the piggyback potatoes!
561
00:29:43,549 --> 00:29:45,282
Shh.
562
00:29:45,383 --> 00:29:46,717
Shit.
563
00:29:46,719 --> 00:29:48,452
That's why I'm here.
564
00:29:48,454 --> 00:29:52,389
Oh, I am gonna
have an excellent
bowel movement tomorrow.
565
00:29:52,391 --> 00:29:53,724
Guaranteed.
566
00:29:53,726 --> 00:29:55,659
So, what are
your new aspirations
567
00:29:55,661 --> 00:29:59,596
now that
the antiquities industry
has shit-canned you?
568
00:29:59,598 --> 00:30:02,566
Okay, um...
569
00:30:02,568 --> 00:30:05,235
To own my own company
that makes me a lot of money.
570
00:30:05,237 --> 00:30:07,170
What that company does,
I'm not really sure yet.
571
00:30:07,172 --> 00:30:10,240
I'd like a vintage Cadillac
with original
leather interior.
572
00:30:10,242 --> 00:30:13,410
House on the water.
Winter home
in the Virgin Islands.
573
00:30:13,412 --> 00:30:16,246
I'd like a wife,
hot, preferably Asian...
574
00:30:16,248 --> 00:30:18,048
I'm gonna stop you there.
Yeah?
575
00:30:18,050 --> 00:30:21,051
I'm gonna recommend
that you adopt more
realistic ambitions
576
00:30:21,053 --> 00:30:25,655
because it sounds like
you're a bit
of an unrealistic dreamer.
577
00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:26,490
Guilty.
578
00:30:26,492 --> 00:30:27,724
I'm pisces,
so I view the world
579
00:30:27,726 --> 00:30:29,459
through rose-tinted
spectacles.
580
00:30:29,461 --> 00:30:32,796
Oh, that stung
all the way
to my brain stem.
581
00:30:32,798 --> 00:30:34,164
You gotta be kidding me.
582
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:35,499
If you want
to pick up a girl,
583
00:30:35,501 --> 00:30:38,035
you gotta infuse your vocab
with a little bit
more testosterone.
584
00:30:38,037 --> 00:30:41,371
Words like "tits"
and "big tits."
585
00:30:41,373 --> 00:30:44,141
Listen, Cadillacs
and beach houses,
586
00:30:44,143 --> 00:30:48,812
those are the dreams
of stupid, naive people.
587
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,214
That's not you, right?
588
00:30:53,551 --> 00:30:54,651
Grady?
589
00:30:54,653 --> 00:30:55,819
Yeah.
590
00:30:55,821 --> 00:30:59,222
They put out
more piggyback potatoes.
591
00:30:59,224 --> 00:31:00,757
What?
592
00:31:00,759 --> 00:31:01,491
When?
593
00:31:01,493 --> 00:31:03,760
I find it
a little strange,
actually,
594
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:06,696
that you blame
"extreme muff deficiency"
595
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,198
as the root
of my problems,
596
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:12,769
when the last muff I was in
belonged to your wife.
597
00:31:13,271 --> 00:31:14,771
Thank you.
Thanks.
598
00:31:14,773 --> 00:31:16,339
Let me ask you a question.
599
00:31:16,341 --> 00:31:19,709
If a fat guy diets,
exercises,
600
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:22,112
takes vitamins
two weeks out of the year,
601
00:31:22,114 --> 00:31:26,716
does that necessarily
make him
a healthy person?
602
00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:27,717
I get your point.
603
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,786
So how come
you're not out there
closing some ass?
604
00:31:29,788 --> 00:31:34,524
How? Where?
I hate going out.
I hate going to bars.
605
00:31:34,526 --> 00:31:36,326
The music's always so loud.
606
00:31:36,328 --> 00:31:37,661
I can barely
hear myself speak,
607
00:31:37,663 --> 00:31:39,696
let alone the lady
I'm trying to connect with.
608
00:31:39,698 --> 00:31:41,398
So it becomes this
choreographed routine
609
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:45,535
of two people just leaning
into each other all night,
saying, "what?
610
00:31:45,537 --> 00:31:47,504
"What? What? What?"
611
00:31:47,506 --> 00:31:48,805
Well, that's your problem.
612
00:31:48,807 --> 00:31:50,774
Bars are not
made for talking.
613
00:31:50,776 --> 00:31:52,576
That's why
the music is so loud.
614
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:54,811
You only need to be concerned
about two questions,
615
00:31:54,813 --> 00:31:59,249
"what are you drinking?"
And, "where are we humping?"
616
00:32:00,285 --> 00:32:02,686
Could you see
that on a t-shirt?
I just made that up.
617
00:32:02,688 --> 00:32:07,124
Unfortunately, yes,
i can see that
on a t-shirt.
618
00:32:07,793 --> 00:32:09,392
Are you okay to drive?
619
00:32:09,394 --> 00:32:11,595
No. Definitely not.
Get in.
620
00:32:12,464 --> 00:32:16,500
What if you woke up and you were 15 again?
621
00:32:16,502 --> 00:32:21,705
The funny thing is, I don't feel that way anymore.
622
00:32:21,707 --> 00:32:26,376
Oh... that was
a delightful bubble bath.
623
00:32:26,378 --> 00:32:27,511
Whose Mr. bubble is this?
624
00:32:27,513 --> 00:32:29,679
Who else lives here
apart from you?
625
00:32:29,681 --> 00:32:31,882
I thought it might've been
your old roommate's.
626
00:32:31,884 --> 00:32:35,285
No, when people move out,
they bring their Mr. bubble.
627
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,553
That's how it works.
628
00:32:36,555 --> 00:32:39,356
Oh, well, you're out
of Mr. bubble.
629
00:32:39,358 --> 00:32:40,190
What?
630
00:32:40,192 --> 00:32:41,791
Jesus Christ,
that was a new bottle.
631
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,794
You're only supposed
to use a capful. A capful!
632
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:49,733
It really smelled good,
so I just kept pouring it in.
633
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:51,935
What are you watching?
634
00:32:51,937 --> 00:32:55,205
Ah. It's Dawson's creek.
635
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,374
Is this vhs?
636
00:32:57,376 --> 00:33:01,578
Yup. I have
every episode recorded
on their original air date.
637
00:33:01,580 --> 00:33:03,880
I got them on ebay
from this woman
in Delaware.
638
00:33:03,882 --> 00:33:09,252
She sent them
in this awesome casket
she made, too. Look.
639
00:33:09,353 --> 00:33:11,221
Seriously,
what is this show about?
640
00:33:11,223 --> 00:33:12,956
It's about
an ambitious young man
641
00:33:12,958 --> 00:33:14,424
named Dawson leery
and his friends
642
00:33:14,426 --> 00:33:18,361
as they learn all about
love and life in capeside,
Massachusetts.
643
00:33:18,363 --> 00:33:22,365
Romantic entanglements
and growing pains
are aplenty.
644
00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:25,235
You are going to love it.
645
00:33:26,871 --> 00:33:31,408
That sounds like
the worst fucking
TV show I've ever heard of.
646
00:33:31,410 --> 00:33:32,509
No.
Yeah.
647
00:33:32,511 --> 00:33:33,543
We're not watching this.
648
00:33:33,545 --> 00:33:37,681
Come on, find a sporting event
or something with car crashes.
649
00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:39,382
Do you bite off
Morgan's head like this
650
00:33:39,384 --> 00:33:41,418
every time she wants to watch
her favorite programming?
651
00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:44,521
We don't watch
television together.
652
00:33:44,523 --> 00:33:46,790
Never?
No.
653
00:33:46,792 --> 00:33:48,792
I always thought
the best part of marriage
654
00:33:48,794 --> 00:33:50,360
would be settling in
every night
655
00:33:50,362 --> 00:33:52,262
to watch television
with your life partner.
656
00:33:52,264 --> 00:33:55,398
You know,
making fun of
the weatherman's hair,
657
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:59,536
shouting out answers
during family feud.
658
00:33:59,670 --> 00:34:00,737
Not even top chef?
659
00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:04,941
No, not even top chef,
whatever the fuck that is.
660
00:34:04,943 --> 00:34:08,678
We have jobs,
and we work most nights.
661
00:34:08,946 --> 00:34:09,846
That's sad.
662
00:34:09,848 --> 00:34:12,415
What would you know
about it, stensland?
663
00:34:13,384 --> 00:34:16,853
Get me the doritos
and a tumbler of scotch.
664
00:34:16,855 --> 00:34:19,756
Come on, come on, come on.
665
00:34:19,758 --> 00:34:21,491
We don't have tumblers.
666
00:34:21,493 --> 00:34:22,859
I'll put it in a jelly jar.
667
00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:24,427
You don't have
jelly jars either.
668
00:34:24,429 --> 00:34:26,363
I threw them all out
this morning.
669
00:34:26,365 --> 00:34:28,665
God damn it.
670
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:32,836
Hey, that's a muumuu knock.
You want me
to grab that, roomie?
671
00:34:32,838 --> 00:34:34,037
No, I'll get it.
672
00:34:34,039 --> 00:34:37,440
Sorry, we'll keep
the fucking noise...
673
00:34:37,442 --> 00:34:39,542
Good, you're alive.
674
00:34:39,544 --> 00:34:40,443
What are you...
675
00:34:40,445 --> 00:34:43,346
Grady said he was
coming over here
to kill you last night, so...
676
00:34:43,348 --> 00:34:44,481
You were worried
about me.
677
00:34:44,483 --> 00:34:48,585
No, I was worried
about instigating a murder.
678
00:34:48,587 --> 00:34:49,486
Good night.
679
00:34:49,488 --> 00:34:54,858
Hey, stens!
I'm very high,
and I cannot feel my feet.
680
00:34:57,928 --> 00:35:00,664
Grady!
Oh, shit!
681
00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,632
Whoa, what are you
doing here, man?
682
00:35:02,634 --> 00:35:06,836
Um, you said you were
going to come here
and kill him last night.
683
00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:08,371
She was worried about me.
684
00:35:08,373 --> 00:35:11,741
I was not worried
about you, okay?
685
00:35:11,842 --> 00:35:12,942
What are you doing here?
686
00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:15,345
I thought you checked into
the sorrento last night.
687
00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:19,349
Nope. Nope,
i live here now, woman.
688
00:35:19,417 --> 00:35:20,950
What?
689
00:35:21,819 --> 00:35:25,689
That's a joke, right?
690
00:35:25,691 --> 00:35:26,389
No.
691
00:35:26,391 --> 00:35:28,892
Stensland and i
have bonded over
the mutual hatred of you.
692
00:35:28,894 --> 00:35:30,794
Oh, well, "hatred"
is a strong word.
693
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,829
See, unlike you
and your sisterhood
694
00:35:32,831 --> 00:35:34,397
of catty,
hair-pulling harpies,
695
00:35:34,399 --> 00:35:37,834
men can move
past their mistakes
and form a fellowship.
696
00:35:37,836 --> 00:35:40,337
A creed, if you will.
That's why we run the world.
697
00:35:40,339 --> 00:35:44,708
Oh, and what an honorable job
you frat dickheads
are doing, thank you.
698
00:35:44,710 --> 00:35:46,109
Morgan,
i don't hate you, per se.
699
00:35:46,111 --> 00:35:48,712
I'm just very upset...
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
700
00:35:48,714 --> 00:35:51,614
You said she lied to you
and broke your heart,
701
00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:52,916
and you're going
to stand over there
702
00:35:52,918 --> 00:35:54,718
and kiss her ass like
you owe her something.
703
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,587
Shut up.
Grow some balls,
stensland.
704
00:35:57,589 --> 00:35:58,555
Stop it, Grady!
705
00:35:58,557 --> 00:35:59,723
Fucking do it!
Fine!
706
00:35:59,725 --> 00:36:02,492
Morgan, I'm really
fucking pissed at you!
707
00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:05,595
You're very pretty,
but you're a liar!
708
00:36:05,597 --> 00:36:06,763
Get a load of this, sister.
709
00:36:06,765 --> 00:36:09,699
Me and this fella right here,
we're taking
a long Morgan vacation,
710
00:36:09,701 --> 00:36:11,701
and if you don't like that,
then you can just head out
711
00:36:11,703 --> 00:36:14,671
and find yourself
another boy toy!
712
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:17,540
Yeah. High-five that shit.
713
00:36:17,775 --> 00:36:20,844
Oh, this is so twisted,
even for you.
714
00:36:20,846 --> 00:36:22,479
Is it?
Okay, you know what?
715
00:36:22,481 --> 00:36:24,881
Just so you know,
it's not lost on me
716
00:36:24,883 --> 00:36:27,384
how insulting
this must be for you
717
00:36:27,386 --> 00:36:30,053
that I cheated on you
with this child over here.
718
00:36:30,055 --> 00:36:32,155
Don't mind me, Morgan,
I'm just standing right here.
719
00:36:32,157 --> 00:36:33,823
Will you just shut up?
All right.
720
00:36:33,825 --> 00:36:35,725
Please? Just shut...
Sorry. Yeah.
721
00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:38,161
I'll stop talking
right now.
You talk too much.
722
00:36:38,163 --> 00:36:40,497
Okay.
Stop.
723
00:36:40,765 --> 00:36:43,767
What was my next move
supposed to be, Grady?
724
00:36:43,769 --> 00:36:45,101
I told you that
we were losing touch,
725
00:36:45,103 --> 00:36:47,937
that I needed more from you,
and you ignored me.
726
00:36:47,939 --> 00:36:51,107
You blew off therapy,
you drifted
further away from me.
727
00:36:51,109 --> 00:36:54,744
I mean, what is
someone supposed to do
when they're wandering around
728
00:36:54,746 --> 00:36:58,982
in the emotional equivalent
of the atacama desert, huh?
729
00:36:58,984 --> 00:37:04,788
Or starving for affection
like some
Brazilian street orphan?
730
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:10,126
Is this BBC world news?
731
00:37:10,929 --> 00:37:14,030
Oh, Jesus, fuck you.
Just fuck you.
732
00:37:14,698 --> 00:37:16,833
This is our marriage, Grady.
733
00:37:16,835 --> 00:37:19,436
We need to sit down,
and we need to talk, okay?
734
00:37:19,438 --> 00:37:20,703
But I am not
doing it here.
735
00:37:20,705 --> 00:37:24,607
So please go get your stuff,
and let's go.
736
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:26,943
No.
737
00:37:29,547 --> 00:37:30,146
Sorry.
738
00:37:30,148 --> 00:37:31,781
I'm going to stay here
with stensland
739
00:37:31,783 --> 00:37:33,850
and watch an episode
of Darren's stream.
740
00:37:33,852 --> 00:37:36,653
That'd be
Dawson's creek.
741
00:37:41,725 --> 00:37:43,693
You do that.
742
00:37:49,233 --> 00:37:52,936
Jesus. What's with
her cheap shots?
743
00:37:52,938 --> 00:37:53,870
Aw, forget it.
744
00:37:53,872 --> 00:37:56,873
You told her off like a man.
Didn't that feel good?
745
00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:58,541
No, it exhausted me.
746
00:37:58,543 --> 00:38:00,109
I'm going to go
to bed for a few days.
747
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:02,045
What are you talking about?
It's not even 10:00.
748
00:38:02,047 --> 00:38:04,547
I mean, the pubs
are crawling
with young bug.
749
00:38:04,549 --> 00:38:06,616
We've got to get out there,
we've got to get some.
750
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:09,853
I've got to cash in
a "bang some strange" card.
751
00:38:09,855 --> 00:38:10,887
No.
Yes.
752
00:38:10,889 --> 00:38:12,922
No.
Oh, yes. Come on.
753
00:38:12,924 --> 00:38:14,023
Stensland says no!
754
00:38:14,025 --> 00:38:16,025
Two double black labels
on the rocks, please.
755
00:38:16,027 --> 00:38:18,695
You got it.
Thank you.
756
00:38:18,697 --> 00:38:19,963
First prospect on the board.
757
00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:23,800
Bartenders flirt for tips,
they can't be prospects.
758
00:38:23,802 --> 00:38:24,701
Oh, come on.
759
00:38:24,703 --> 00:38:28,671
Dogs beg for milk-bones,
but they still
wanna hump your leg.
760
00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:30,573
Now then,
in scouting for a prospect,
761
00:38:30,575 --> 00:38:32,108
you've got to take in
the whole field.
762
00:38:32,110 --> 00:38:34,544
You know what
a baseball scout is, right?
763
00:38:34,546 --> 00:38:35,578
I'm Irish, not amish.
764
00:38:35,580 --> 00:38:38,882
Good. That's good.
I knew you'd be good at this.
765
00:38:38,884 --> 00:38:40,149
There you go, boys.
Thank you.
766
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:43,887
Keep that tab
wide open.
Giddyup.
767
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:46,523
See?
768
00:38:48,126 --> 00:38:49,526
Tonight we're muff scouts.
769
00:38:49,528 --> 00:38:51,594
I know, it lacks wit,
but it's real.
770
00:38:51,596 --> 00:38:54,664
So, when we're scouting quail,
what are we looking for?
771
00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:55,732
Body, face, what else?
772
00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:58,034
Intelligence,
sense of self, fashion.
773
00:38:58,036 --> 00:38:59,836
No! That's the pink
part of your brain
774
00:38:59,838 --> 00:39:01,905
that allows you
to enjoy Dawson's creek.
775
00:39:01,907 --> 00:39:03,973
The end game
is to get 'em nude,
776
00:39:03,975 --> 00:39:07,243
sans fashion,
so it's never a factor.
777
00:39:07,245 --> 00:39:10,547
But what is a factor
is personality.
778
00:39:10,549 --> 00:39:13,249
And it's as easy to spot
as a panty line.
779
00:39:13,251 --> 00:39:16,152
Are they laughing?
Are they smiling?
780
00:39:16,154 --> 00:39:17,921
Are they giving off
any indication
781
00:39:17,923 --> 00:39:19,289
that they're having
a good time,
782
00:39:19,291 --> 00:39:23,326
or that they're eager
to have a good time with you?
783
00:39:23,328 --> 00:39:27,196
Many of them are going
to be wearing this
precious little smile
784
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:34,037
that says, "hey, please,
please come talk to me."
785
00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,739
I know that little smile.
786
00:39:36,741 --> 00:39:39,676
Of course you do,
you fuckin' animal.
787
00:39:39,678 --> 00:39:41,644
That's why
they're drinking here
788
00:39:41,646 --> 00:39:46,349
and not at home alone
with their kitty cats.
789
00:39:46,351 --> 00:39:49,352
Now then, survey the showroom,
790
00:39:49,354 --> 00:39:54,591
pick out a model,
take her for a sex drive.
791
00:39:54,593 --> 00:39:56,326
And for the sake of Christ,
792
00:39:56,328 --> 00:39:59,596
keep drinking
the rocket sauce.
793
00:40:32,063 --> 00:40:34,197
Hey!
Hey.
794
00:40:34,199 --> 00:40:36,199
What kind of drink is that?
795
00:40:36,201 --> 00:40:38,801
It's a Harlem mugger.
796
00:40:39,269 --> 00:40:40,203
What?
797
00:40:40,205 --> 00:40:41,771
A Harlem mugger!
798
00:40:41,773 --> 00:40:44,407
Oh! What's in it?
Racism?
799
00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:49,946
No,
no, it's got vodka, gin,
white rum, Tequila, champagne,
800
00:40:49,948 --> 00:40:51,848
and a little
cranberry juice.
801
00:40:51,850 --> 00:40:53,016
Always gets me shitfaced.
802
00:40:53,018 --> 00:40:54,984
Oh, my god.
803
00:40:54,986 --> 00:40:56,953
What's a lovely girl
like you doing
804
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:58,921
with a horrible
drink like that?
805
00:40:58,923 --> 00:41:00,857
Are you a bootlegger?
806
00:41:00,859 --> 00:41:01,691
No, no.
807
00:41:01,693 --> 00:41:04,961
I ordered it because
it smells just like
this anti-fungal shampoo
808
00:41:04,963 --> 00:41:07,230
I used to wash
my pony with.
809
00:41:07,232 --> 00:41:08,431
Oh, is that right?
810
00:41:08,433 --> 00:41:09,432
Yeah, gingerbelle.
811
00:41:09,434 --> 00:41:13,002
I couldn't decide
between the names
gingerbread and clarabelle,
812
00:41:13,004 --> 00:41:14,370
so I combined them.
Gingerbelle!
813
00:41:14,372 --> 00:41:16,739
That's interesting.
I loved her
so much.
814
00:41:16,741 --> 00:41:20,743
Aw, gingerbelle had this
fungal skin infection
called "rain rot"
815
00:41:20,745 --> 00:41:24,080
and on warm nights,
i used to snuggle up
with her in the barn,
816
00:41:24,082 --> 00:41:28,184
and then the bacteria
from her infection
spread onto me.
817
00:41:28,186 --> 00:41:29,218
I still can't grow hair
818
00:41:29,220 --> 00:41:31,254
in my left armpit
or half my pubic
region, but...
819
00:41:31,256 --> 00:41:33,222
Bye.
820
00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:35,258
Bye!
821
00:41:35,260 --> 00:41:39,262
So the guy goes,
"hey, who put
the baby in the dryer?"
822
00:41:39,264 --> 00:41:40,363
Excuse me, miss?
823
00:41:40,365 --> 00:41:42,832
Oh, man.
Be right back.
824
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,233
What are you
doing here?
825
00:41:44,235 --> 00:41:45,735
Ugh, it's not
gonna happen.
826
00:41:45,737 --> 00:41:49,305
I got talking to a girl,
but she was into animals.
827
00:41:49,307 --> 00:41:50,707
Really?
828
00:41:50,709 --> 00:41:51,441
Not like that.
829
00:41:51,443 --> 00:41:52,809
Before I even got her name,
830
00:41:52,811 --> 00:41:56,012
she tells me about
this pony she caught
a bacterial infection from.
831
00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:58,281
Yeah, that's rain rot.
832
00:41:58,283 --> 00:41:59,348
How do you know that?
833
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:00,883
I was in 4-h
when I was a kid.
834
00:42:00,885 --> 00:42:03,419
Look, it's nothing.
It just makes you shed.
835
00:42:03,421 --> 00:42:04,420
It's no big deal.
836
00:42:04,422 --> 00:42:07,890
Go back out there
and just casually
bring up your penis.
837
00:42:07,892 --> 00:42:09,325
This is pathetic.
838
00:42:09,327 --> 00:42:11,160
You do realize
there's not a lady here
839
00:42:11,162 --> 00:42:13,096
who can hold a candle
to your wife, right?
840
00:42:13,098 --> 00:42:18,034
Stensland!
Don't bring her up again.
841
00:42:18,802 --> 00:42:21,037
Get away from me.
842
00:42:26,477 --> 00:42:28,211
Everything okay here?
Yeah.
843
00:42:28,213 --> 00:42:30,813
Can I get
another double, please?
844
00:42:30,815 --> 00:42:34,383
Oh. And a shot of Tequila.
845
00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:38,821
The shittiest, cheapest
Tequila that you have.
846
00:42:56,073 --> 00:42:57,907
Hi.
847
00:42:59,810 --> 00:43:01,778
Hi.
848
00:43:01,979 --> 00:43:06,382
Can you get the fuck up
and off my $700 jacket?
849
00:43:06,384 --> 00:43:08,084
Oh.
850
00:43:08,385 --> 00:43:10,319
I'm sorry.
851
00:43:10,954 --> 00:43:12,121
Just give it!
Sorry.
852
00:43:12,123 --> 00:43:15,057
Just watch where
the fuck you sit
next time, dick face.
853
00:43:15,059 --> 00:43:16,325
"Dick face"?
Jesus Christ.
854
00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:21,564
Why don't you tell
your whore to watch
where she drops her shit?
855
00:43:23,301 --> 00:43:24,000
Oh.
856
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:26,269
No, I didn't say that,
he said that.
857
00:43:26,271 --> 00:43:27,503
No. No, I didn't.
What?
858
00:43:27,505 --> 00:43:30,473
Listen, drink this,
'cause you're gonna
need it in about five minutes.
859
00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:32,441
Who'd you call a whore,
motherfucker?
860
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,844
I believe
he's referring to her,
861
00:43:34,846 --> 00:43:37,413
and, uh, he also
bet me a fish taco
862
00:43:37,415 --> 00:43:38,948
that he'd have
her blowing him
863
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:41,584
in the men's
room by last call.
What the fuck are you doing?
864
00:43:41,586 --> 00:43:42,919
That is confidence.
865
00:43:42,921 --> 00:43:45,521
Oh, fuck! Okay.
Outside, right now.
866
00:43:45,523 --> 00:43:47,123
Bitch.
"Bitch"?
867
00:43:47,125 --> 00:43:49,525
Bitch.
"Bitch"? Jesus.
868
00:43:49,527 --> 00:43:50,960
Don't ever bring up
a man's wife
869
00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:53,196
when you're
on bush patrol
with him, okay?
870
00:43:53,198 --> 00:43:54,897
You couldn't deal
with a pony snuggler,
871
00:43:54,899 --> 00:43:56,332
and you dragged me
down with you,
872
00:43:56,334 --> 00:43:57,466
and that has consequences.
873
00:43:57,468 --> 00:44:00,336
Consequences
that apparently mean
my death, asshole!
874
00:44:00,338 --> 00:44:03,139
Thanks a bunch!
You're welcome.
875
00:44:03,141 --> 00:44:04,207
God damn it!
876
00:44:04,209 --> 00:44:05,274
Let's do this, pussy!
877
00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:07,510
I can't believe you did this.
He's gonna put me
in the hospital.
878
00:44:07,512 --> 00:44:09,078
You know what,
you pissed me off,
879
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:11,080
but now I feel
a little shitty about it
880
00:44:11,082 --> 00:44:12,548
because that
fucking guy's huge.
881
00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:13,482
He's a giant.
882
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:16,285
Do you know what?
Aside from all that,
you need this, stensland.
883
00:44:16,287 --> 00:44:17,553
Oh, I need this?
Yes.
884
00:44:17,555 --> 00:44:19,021
Violence is good
for a guy.
885
00:44:19,023 --> 00:44:22,558
It'll cure you of the desire
to watch Dawson's creek
every day. Right?
886
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,161
Hey, it's an award-winner!
Best drama,
887
00:44:25,163 --> 00:44:27,430
teen choice awards!
Twice!
888
00:44:27,432 --> 00:44:28,397
Use that anger.
889
00:44:28,399 --> 00:44:30,466
You've been bullied
your whole life, stensland.
890
00:44:30,468 --> 00:44:31,534
Do something about it.
891
00:44:31,536 --> 00:44:34,470
Put every prick's face
that you ever dealt with
on that prick's face.
892
00:44:34,472 --> 00:44:37,373
You just shut up
and leave me alone.
Good.
893
00:44:37,375 --> 00:44:39,408
Let do this, punk!
894
00:44:39,410 --> 00:44:41,143
Fuck!
Nice shot.
895
00:44:41,145 --> 00:44:44,146
All right. Proceed.
896
00:44:44,348 --> 00:44:46,616
This will all end
very soon.
897
00:44:46,618 --> 00:44:47,984
Come on, stens.
898
00:44:47,986 --> 00:44:50,887
Hey, freshman dork.
Look at those bitch hips!
899
00:44:50,889 --> 00:44:53,155
Make good handles
for your boyfriend, huh?
900
00:44:53,157 --> 00:44:54,357
Oh!
901
00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:55,925
Keep 'em up.
Get 'em up.
902
00:44:55,927 --> 00:44:58,427
You either get giddy
about the antique furniture,
903
00:44:58,429 --> 00:45:00,663
or get giddy in
the unemployment line.
904
00:45:00,665 --> 00:45:03,633
Come on, stensy.
905
00:45:03,635 --> 00:45:06,402
You're a child, stensland.
906
00:45:06,404 --> 00:45:07,270
A mistake.
907
00:45:07,272 --> 00:45:10,139
I could never
be your girlfriend.
908
00:45:18,982 --> 00:45:21,584
Keep fighting!
I did it!
909
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:26,956
Stensy?
910
00:45:28,692 --> 00:45:31,093
Stensland!
911
00:45:32,963 --> 00:45:34,630
Mmm...
912
00:45:35,065 --> 00:45:37,333
Hello, Dolly.
913
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:40,002
Why do I have
wilford brimley's mustache?
914
00:45:40,004 --> 00:45:42,138
Stensland, you punched me
in the face.
915
00:45:42,140 --> 00:45:46,142
You felt that? I thought
it was only pretend.
916
00:45:51,481 --> 00:45:52,281
Whoa.
917
00:45:52,283 --> 00:45:54,617
What's your assistant doing
in the Swiss alps?
918
00:45:54,619 --> 00:45:56,385
Care for a schmoke,
stensland?
919
00:45:56,387 --> 00:46:00,089
Man, she's wearing
the shit out of those hosen.
920
00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:02,258
Come, stensland.
Ja, is good.
921
00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:04,994
Schmoke-ity,
schmoke-ity, schmoke-ity.
922
00:46:04,996 --> 00:46:07,730
Hmm.
Ja, is good.
923
00:46:12,003 --> 00:46:14,670
I wanted a schmoke.
924
00:46:33,590 --> 00:46:37,560
Grady, you piece of shit.
925
00:46:38,662 --> 00:46:42,598
And for some reason,
she had two goats.
926
00:46:44,434 --> 00:46:46,268
You're drooling jam.
927
00:46:46,270 --> 00:46:50,072
Okay. Okay.
928
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:52,441
So, we lived together
for three years,
929
00:46:52,443 --> 00:46:55,478
and by far
the most scandalous thing
i ever saw you do was
930
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,747
roll the dice on some
expired pudding cups
931
00:46:57,749 --> 00:46:59,515
you found
in the back
of the fridge.
932
00:46:59,517 --> 00:47:01,684
A gamble I lost,
if you remember.
I do.
933
00:47:01,686 --> 00:47:04,353
Yet, in the 48 hours
since I moved out,
934
00:47:04,355 --> 00:47:06,088
you blackmailed
your mistress,
935
00:47:06,090 --> 00:47:07,490
you had a gun
stuck in your face,
936
00:47:07,492 --> 00:47:09,291
you let your mistress's
husband move in,
937
00:47:09,293 --> 00:47:13,162
and you fist-fought a man
twice your size in an alley?
938
00:47:13,164 --> 00:47:13,729
Yes.
939
00:47:13,731 --> 00:47:16,766
Why didn't you unleash
any of this radness
when I was there?
940
00:47:16,768 --> 00:47:18,701
None of this
is radness, Lyle.
941
00:47:18,703 --> 00:47:20,269
I need this guy
out of my place.
942
00:47:20,271 --> 00:47:22,505
No, it's all radness, man.
Adventure is erupting
all around you.
943
00:47:22,507 --> 00:47:26,442
And I'm hating it.
No. No, you don't
realize you're loving it.
944
00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:28,110
Soldiers go to war,
and they hate it,
945
00:47:28,112 --> 00:47:30,179
yet it's all they talk about
when they get back.
946
00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:31,747
I'm a prematurely
old man who wants
947
00:47:31,749 --> 00:47:33,816
nothing more than
a comfortable place to sit
948
00:47:33,818 --> 00:47:36,552
and a diet root beer
to enjoy the silence with.
949
00:47:36,554 --> 00:47:37,686
I can't deal
with all this.
950
00:47:37,688 --> 00:47:41,390
You remember final destination
and its subsequent sequels?
951
00:47:41,392 --> 00:47:42,558
The teenagers
cheated death,
952
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,727
and then death came
after them to finish the job?
953
00:47:44,729 --> 00:47:45,795
Great movie.
Yeah.
954
00:47:45,797 --> 00:47:47,530
I think you cheated youth
in your 20s
955
00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:52,268
by denying yourself sex,
and reckless behavior,
and fun in general.
956
00:47:52,270 --> 00:47:53,769
Now fun's come back
to claim your soul,
957
00:47:53,771 --> 00:47:57,606
and it's come
in the form of
a middle-aged pervert.
958
00:47:57,608 --> 00:47:58,674
What if I outwit fun?
959
00:47:58,676 --> 00:48:02,678
Perform the old switcheroo
to defend my geriatric
way of life.
960
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:04,280
No, no, you can't
outwit fun, man.
961
00:48:04,282 --> 00:48:07,650
Especially when you're broke,
and fun's paying the rent.
962
00:48:10,153 --> 00:48:12,688
Thank you.
You're welcome.
963
00:48:14,691 --> 00:48:16,525
Shit!
964
00:48:21,198 --> 00:48:22,631
Hannah!
965
00:48:22,799 --> 00:48:25,334
What are you doing down there?
Did you find a penny?
966
00:48:25,336 --> 00:48:28,637
No. I'm hiding
from an annoying asshole.
967
00:48:28,639 --> 00:48:29,505
Oh.
968
00:48:29,507 --> 00:48:32,308
Listen, I just
want to apologize
for the other day.
969
00:48:32,310 --> 00:48:34,276
I had my panties
in a pretty tight bunch.
970
00:48:34,278 --> 00:48:38,714
I brought another apology
in the form of a warm scone.
971
00:48:38,716 --> 00:48:39,548
A scone?
972
00:48:39,550 --> 00:48:41,851
Yeah, it's from
the German term
"schonbrot."
973
00:48:41,853 --> 00:48:43,352
Speaking of
the old country,
974
00:48:43,354 --> 00:48:45,254
do you happen
to have any
germanic breeding
975
00:48:45,256 --> 00:48:48,457
or own a pair
of exotic lederhosen,
by chance?
976
00:48:48,459 --> 00:48:49,525
Nice eye shadow.
977
00:48:49,527 --> 00:48:50,893
Oh, yeah,
this is just a shiner
978
00:48:50,895 --> 00:48:53,696
from a drunken
Duke-out I had last night.
979
00:48:53,698 --> 00:48:54,830
You did?
Yeah.
980
00:48:54,832 --> 00:48:58,200
Wow. You know,
that's really sexy.
981
00:48:58,202 --> 00:48:58,834
Really?
982
00:48:58,836 --> 00:49:01,237
It's the weirdest thing.
I'm seeing you
in this whole new light.
983
00:49:01,239 --> 00:49:04,840
Well, you should see
the other guy. He's fine.
984
00:49:04,842 --> 00:49:06,709
I kind of want you.
985
00:49:06,711 --> 00:49:09,245
Really?
No. Go away.
986
00:49:09,247 --> 00:49:10,212
Oh.
987
00:49:10,214 --> 00:49:11,680
Listen...
988
00:49:11,682 --> 00:49:13,782
I'm coming up
to see Morgan.
989
00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:15,317
Can't you just
leave her alone?
990
00:49:15,319 --> 00:49:18,187
She had me out drinking
until 2:00 in
the morning last night,
991
00:49:18,189 --> 00:49:20,322
ranting and raving
over the sick mind game
992
00:49:20,324 --> 00:49:21,657
that you and Grady
are playing.
993
00:49:21,659 --> 00:49:25,661
You two jackoffs
are fucking up my shit now.
994
00:49:25,729 --> 00:49:27,663
Have you tried
smoking pot
to cool down?
995
00:49:27,665 --> 00:49:30,699
It helps me unwind
when I'm stressed out,
like you are now.
996
00:49:30,701 --> 00:49:35,171
Plus, it really increases
my orgasm
when I masturbate.
997
00:49:35,173 --> 00:49:37,840
Oh.
Oh, my god.
998
00:49:37,842 --> 00:49:38,741
You remind me...
999
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:40,209
Of a girlish
tilda swinton?
1000
00:49:40,211 --> 00:49:41,443
I get that
all the time.
1001
00:49:41,445 --> 00:49:43,846
No, of a rash I picked up
in south America.
1002
00:49:43,848 --> 00:49:45,381
Headache, nausea,
made my skin crawl.
1003
00:49:45,383 --> 00:49:49,585
Sounds like the symptoms
of lovesickness.
Maybe I'm growing on you.
1004
00:49:50,421 --> 00:49:52,755
You couldn't grow on me
with all the seeds
and soil in the world.
1005
00:49:52,757 --> 00:49:54,690
Eh. Could you
tell Morgan I'm here?
1006
00:49:54,692 --> 00:49:55,658
She's in a meeting.
1007
00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:59,628
Please. We need
to talk about Grady.
1008
00:49:59,896 --> 00:50:04,366
Thanks for staying late, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
1009
00:50:05,936 --> 00:50:06,669
Hello.
1010
00:50:06,671 --> 00:50:09,939
Ooh.
Caramel macchiato.
Excellent choice.
1011
00:50:09,941 --> 00:50:11,407
Do you want me in
on this?
1012
00:50:11,409 --> 00:50:13,709
Actually, yes.
I do want the restraint
of a witness present.
1013
00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:16,312
Hmm, I'd prefer
a private sitdown,
1014
00:50:16,314 --> 00:50:19,448
so if you don't mind,
Hannah.
1015
00:50:21,918 --> 00:50:23,419
Is he really
living with you?
1016
00:50:23,421 --> 00:50:26,522
Yes, he even went
grocery shopping.
1017
00:50:27,391 --> 00:50:28,524
He's fucking unbelievable.
1018
00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:30,759
You want to know
what else he's doing?
No. What?
1019
00:50:30,761 --> 00:50:34,363
Hitting on strange girls,
trying to have sex with them.
1020
00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:35,531
Gross, charmless creatures,
1021
00:50:35,533 --> 00:50:38,968
not even in your
evolutionary strain,
let alone your league.
1022
00:50:38,970 --> 00:50:40,936
No, he isn't.
Yes, he is!
1023
00:50:40,938 --> 00:50:41,837
Okay, relax.
1024
00:50:41,839 --> 00:50:43,706
We went out last night
"muff scouting."
1025
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:46,575
His despicable words,
not mine.
Okay, enough.
1026
00:50:46,577 --> 00:50:49,278
Do you really want
to stay with this man?
1027
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:50,646
A man who'd use
your infidelity
1028
00:50:50,648 --> 00:50:52,448
as nothing more than a...
Okay, will you stop?
1029
00:50:52,450 --> 00:50:54,283
..."wham, bam, ram another
ma'am for free" card?
1030
00:50:54,285 --> 00:50:55,751
Okay, yeah, enough.
Out. Out, go.
1031
00:50:55,753 --> 00:50:57,620
Step inside
my new kind of love!
1032
00:50:57,622 --> 00:51:00,289
Go! Go home
to your boyfriend.
1033
00:51:00,291 --> 00:51:02,291
You need weed very badly.
1034
00:51:02,293 --> 00:51:03,759
Auf wiedersehen, loser!
1035
00:51:03,761 --> 00:51:06,495
German? I knew it.
1036
00:51:07,965 --> 00:51:09,999
Where are you going?
I'm going to see Grady.
1037
00:51:10,001 --> 00:51:13,035
I mean, I screwed this up,
but it's his fault, too.
1038
00:51:13,037 --> 00:51:13,969
No, Morgan...
1039
00:51:13,971 --> 00:51:15,471
He can't act
like this, okay?
1040
00:51:15,473 --> 00:51:16,905
He should be
fighting for me, for us.
1041
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:18,807
You would just be
wasting your breath.
1042
00:51:18,809 --> 00:51:20,976
He is a brain-damaged ape.
They all are.
1043
00:51:20,978 --> 00:51:25,047
As soon as they get
a head full of steam,
they're impossible to control.
1044
00:51:25,049 --> 00:51:26,849
So, just let him beat
his chest, wag his dick,
1045
00:51:26,851 --> 00:51:31,420
whatever else
he needs to do to start
thinking clearly again.
1046
00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:34,957
He will come
crawling back, I promise.
1047
00:51:34,959 --> 00:51:38,394
Now, come on.
Worry about you.
1048
00:51:38,396 --> 00:51:40,729
Worry about this pitch.
1049
00:51:42,033 --> 00:51:46,402
I don't pay you
enough, do I?
No, you don't.
1050
00:51:46,404 --> 00:51:48,737
Let's remember that.
1051
00:52:00,517 --> 00:52:03,986
There he is.
You ready for round
two there, slugger?
1052
00:52:03,988 --> 00:52:06,355
It's ladies' night
at a whiskey bar downtown.
1053
00:52:06,357 --> 00:52:09,458
No, no. My head
is still throbbing
from last night.
1054
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:13,696
That's evidence
of an excellent
two-fisted outing. Congrats.
1055
00:52:13,698 --> 00:52:15,431
No, I was hoping
we could stay in,
1056
00:52:15,433 --> 00:52:18,901
you know, put some ice cubes
in the bong shaft
for a nice cool smoke,
1057
00:52:18,903 --> 00:52:23,005
order some thai,
maybe hit up some
easy listening on pandora.
1058
00:52:23,007 --> 00:52:24,573
Come on, buddy,
that sounds like
1059
00:52:24,575 --> 00:52:25,974
a fuckin' baby shower
in Portland.
1060
00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:27,476
We're not gonna
get laid like that.
1061
00:52:27,478 --> 00:52:29,678
Let's get a little
pre-party buzz going
before the uber arrives.
1062
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:31,947
Listen,
i know you're on vacation
and everything,
1063
00:52:31,949 --> 00:52:33,682
but just because I agreed
to room with you
1064
00:52:33,684 --> 00:52:37,519
doesn't mean
that I also agreed
to a nightly rat pack tribute.
1065
00:52:37,521 --> 00:52:39,388
I'm staying in tonight.
1066
00:52:39,390 --> 00:52:40,789
You're gonna do
what I say,
1067
00:52:40,791 --> 00:52:42,725
and that is that
we're going out.
1068
00:52:42,727 --> 00:52:44,360
You're not
the boss of me.
1069
00:52:44,362 --> 00:52:46,562
"Stopbullying.Gov."
Visit it.
1070
00:52:46,564 --> 00:52:47,963
You know what
I've got in here?
1071
00:52:47,965 --> 00:52:49,765
The private number
of every police chief
1072
00:52:49,767 --> 00:52:51,633
and circuit judge
in the county.
1073
00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:52,501
Big whoop.
1074
00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:53,869
How do you think
those people would feel
1075
00:52:53,871 --> 00:52:58,707
about your attempt
to blackmail my wife
for $15,000?
1076
00:52:58,908 --> 00:53:00,809
Yeah, that's not
good for you.
1077
00:53:00,811 --> 00:53:02,811
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get dressed.
1078
00:53:02,813 --> 00:53:07,916
No hoodies, no sneakers,
no disturbingly
tight shorts.
1079
00:53:07,918 --> 00:53:11,920
I want my wingman
to look like a real man.
1080
00:53:16,559 --> 00:53:22,064
So I make the mistake
of dressing as sexy gumby
1081
00:53:22,066 --> 00:53:25,601
to my Halloween office party,
1082
00:53:25,603 --> 00:53:26,869
and I'm hiding in this room
1083
00:53:26,871 --> 00:53:33,976
because my drunk, douchey boss
is always wanting
to fuck me and stuff.
1084
00:53:33,978 --> 00:53:37,913
So Grady finds me all upset
in the xerox room,
1085
00:53:37,915 --> 00:53:41,784
and he just gives me
this pep talk, you know?
1086
00:53:41,786 --> 00:53:46,722
Like, about quitting my job,
and about opening my own firm,
1087
00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:51,193
and just fucking getting
life by the balls, you know?
1088
00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:57,065
So, five minutes later,
my fucker boss gooses my ass,
1089
00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:59,768
so I pick up
this bowl of hummus,
1090
00:53:59,770 --> 00:54:03,806
and I just smash it
over the fucker's head.
Seriously.
1091
00:54:03,808 --> 00:54:06,542
Grady was so great
at the police station.
1092
00:54:06,544 --> 00:54:10,512
I mean, he stood
by my side, he got me off,
1093
00:54:10,514 --> 00:54:14,950
and then, you know,
he got me off.
1094
00:54:15,786 --> 00:54:19,922
And, you know,
we've just been
together ever since.
1095
00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:24,626
He asked if you wanted
chicken on your nachos.
1096
00:54:28,164 --> 00:54:30,766
That's not what I heard.
1097
00:54:31,034 --> 00:54:35,604
Oh, Jesus, what is this?
It smells like a dead body.
1098
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:36,839
Maccoinnich.
What?
1099
00:54:36,841 --> 00:54:40,008
Quadruple-distilled.
Drink it.
1100
00:54:43,079 --> 00:54:45,247
Oh, my god,
it's burning me.
1101
00:54:45,249 --> 00:54:46,949
It's burning everything.
1102
00:54:46,951 --> 00:54:47,850
92% alcohol.
1103
00:54:47,852 --> 00:54:51,954
It's what Scottish priests
would drink whenever
they were constipated.
1104
00:54:51,956 --> 00:54:53,155
Here, do another.
1105
00:54:53,157 --> 00:54:54,690
I don't really want
to do another one.
1106
00:54:54,692 --> 00:54:56,959
The second one is better.
Is it?
1107
00:54:56,961 --> 00:54:58,794
Do it.
1108
00:54:59,996 --> 00:55:01,930
That actually
makes me...
1109
00:55:01,932 --> 00:55:03,165
Oh, my god,
it's worse.
1110
00:55:03,167 --> 00:55:07,703
Yeah. It's killing
all the tumors
in your throat right now.
1111
00:55:10,607 --> 00:55:12,007
You all right?
Yeah.
1112
00:55:12,009 --> 00:55:14,576
Come on. Drink another.
1113
00:55:14,578 --> 00:55:15,844
I mean, we're...
1114
00:55:15,846 --> 00:55:18,180
Down the haggis hole.
1115
00:55:21,685 --> 00:55:23,218
Yeah!
1116
00:55:31,995 --> 00:55:34,830
Hey. You wanna talk?
1117
00:55:39,869 --> 00:55:41,904
Who brought a cat?
1118
00:55:46,709 --> 00:55:48,143
How long was I out?
1119
00:55:48,145 --> 00:55:49,978
About an hour.
1120
00:55:49,980 --> 00:55:51,580
Is it midnight yet?
1121
00:55:51,582 --> 00:55:52,981
No, it's 9:30.
1122
00:55:52,983 --> 00:55:55,183
Come on, keep drinking.
1123
00:56:03,761 --> 00:56:05,727
I believe it was Hemingway
who once wrote,
1124
00:56:05,729 --> 00:56:07,829
"no man is truly
a man till he vomits
1125
00:56:07,831 --> 00:56:11,166
"behind big Jim's
pancake house."
1126
00:56:19,676 --> 00:56:21,243
Let's go, grandpa,
fuck or fight?
1127
00:56:21,245 --> 00:56:22,911
Those are
hurtful words, Jerry.
1128
00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:26,949
You know, I bluffed
the da when I had
your charges dropped,
1129
00:56:27,016 --> 00:56:29,284
but I'm not bluffing today.
1130
00:56:29,286 --> 00:56:31,219
Look at that.
1131
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:32,754
Hey, wait a second.
1132
00:56:32,756 --> 00:56:35,891
Where the fuck
is everybody?
1133
00:56:38,628 --> 00:56:40,028
Stensland.
1134
00:56:40,030 --> 00:56:42,297
She's left him.
1135
00:57:03,119 --> 00:57:05,053
Grady, let me in!
1136
00:57:15,298 --> 00:57:16,098
Grady!
1137
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:19,935
Let me in!
Grady, please let me in!
1138
00:57:20,203 --> 00:57:23,171
I have had more alcohol
than oxygen for a week.
1139
00:57:23,173 --> 00:57:28,677
I can't wait
to get home and slip
into my Jimmy-jammies.
1140
00:57:28,679 --> 00:57:32,848
Cabbie, campus and 27th.
Step on it.
1141
00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:36,051
What campus? Campus?
1142
00:57:37,053 --> 00:57:40,756
Stensland!
Stensland! Stensland!
1143
00:57:40,758 --> 00:57:44,893
Stensland!
Stensland! Stensland!
1144
00:57:51,434 --> 00:57:52,234
Stop it!
1145
00:57:52,236 --> 00:57:55,804
I said, shut up,
god damn it!
1146
00:57:57,708 --> 00:58:00,175
What's wrong
with you people?
1147
00:58:00,177 --> 00:58:04,346
Has the collegiate experience
become so dull in this country
1148
00:58:04,348 --> 00:58:06,882
that causing irreversible
harm to your bodies
1149
00:58:06,884 --> 00:58:12,454
with this binge drinking
is the only way
to have a hoot?
1150
00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:16,358
This isn't fun!
1151
00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,393
This is sadomasochism!
1152
00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:22,764
Have you never heard
of board games?
1153
00:58:22,766 --> 00:58:26,034
Scattergories
is a laugh riot!
1154
00:58:26,036 --> 00:58:29,705
Whatever happened
to spin the bottle
1155
00:58:29,707 --> 00:58:33,341
and kiss-chasing
on the green?
1156
00:58:34,110 --> 00:58:36,878
You're all alcoholics.
1157
00:58:36,880 --> 00:58:40,282
You need to attend meetings!
1158
00:58:40,284 --> 00:58:45,120
Well, screw it,
I'm making a stand!
1159
00:58:45,122 --> 00:58:50,992
Let's put an end
to these black sabbaths
and brain damage!
1160
00:58:50,994 --> 00:58:51,960
Join me and say,
1161
00:58:51,962 --> 00:58:58,467
"we don't have
to be party animals
to be cool!"
1162
00:59:06,943 --> 00:59:10,378
Let's make him drink
from the hobo's boot!
1163
00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:11,947
Yeah!
1164
00:59:11,949 --> 00:59:15,851
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1165
00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:19,020
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1166
00:59:19,022 --> 00:59:21,389
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1167
00:59:21,391 --> 00:59:22,224
Hobo's boot!
1168
00:59:22,226 --> 00:59:27,896
Hobo's boot!
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1169
00:59:29,432 --> 00:59:31,199
How did that
boot taste, buddy?
1170
00:59:31,201 --> 00:59:33,235
Like homelessness
in my mouth.
1171
00:59:33,237 --> 00:59:34,803
Why did you make them
refill it?
1172
00:59:34,805 --> 00:59:38,006
We didn't have
enough camera coverage
for the YouTube video.
1173
00:59:38,008 --> 00:59:40,175
Hey, it was the hit
of the party.
You're gonna be a legend.
1174
00:59:40,177 --> 00:59:44,479
Please tell me
you found your
"bang strange" lady tonight.
1175
00:59:44,481 --> 00:59:45,514
I didn't, I didn't,
1176
00:59:45,516 --> 00:59:48,150
but bacardi's is
hosting a pool party
tomorrow night.
1177
00:59:48,152 --> 00:59:51,052
There'll be fur-burgers
grilling all night long.
1178
00:59:51,054 --> 00:59:52,320
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow night.
1179
00:59:52,322 --> 00:59:54,222
I don't...
Come on. Come on,
watch your head.
1180
00:59:54,224 --> 00:59:58,026
Watch your head,
watch your head,
watch your head.
1181
01:00:12,408 --> 01:00:16,311
You know what?
We're going to take
a quick detour.
1182
01:00:16,313 --> 01:00:17,112
Uh...
1183
01:00:17,114 --> 01:00:21,883
When you hit this stop sign,
let's go to the right.
1184
01:00:41,371 --> 01:00:43,872
My tummy hurts.
1185
01:00:45,309 --> 01:00:48,076
Uh, we'd better get going.
1186
01:01:11,367 --> 01:01:14,002
Oh, god!
1187
01:01:18,207 --> 01:01:21,276
Uh, we need
to turn around.
1188
01:01:21,278 --> 01:01:23,345
He fell out.
1189
01:01:30,253 --> 01:01:32,921
Where did I come from?
1190
01:01:37,493 --> 01:01:39,394
Thank you.
1191
01:01:52,508 --> 01:01:54,209
Stensland?
1192
01:01:55,378 --> 01:01:56,177
Oh...
1193
01:01:56,179 --> 01:01:59,381
Please don't be mean to me
right now. I'm hanging on
by a thread.
1194
01:01:59,383 --> 01:02:02,083
What the hell
are you doing here?
1195
01:02:02,085 --> 01:02:03,952
I'm hiding from Grady.
1196
01:02:03,954 --> 01:02:05,954
At soft solutions?
1197
01:02:05,956 --> 01:02:07,489
Yeah.
It's my favorite place.
1198
01:02:07,491 --> 01:02:11,927
It's clean, comfortable,
the staff are warm-hearted.
1199
01:02:12,194 --> 01:02:13,028
Stensy!
1200
01:02:13,030 --> 01:02:17,065
Hey, Brandon,
looking svelte, hombre.
1201
01:02:17,199 --> 01:02:19,501
They're so nice
to me here.
1202
01:02:19,503 --> 01:02:21,002
Oh, god, you're weird.
1203
01:02:21,004 --> 01:02:23,138
Okay, well,
I'll leave you to it.
1204
01:02:23,140 --> 01:02:24,539
No, no, no,
please don't go.
1205
01:02:24,541 --> 01:02:27,409
Come on. We need to talk.
Let's square our beef.
1206
01:02:27,411 --> 01:02:31,713
Come and check out
the "casual refinement"
living room set, huh?
1207
01:02:31,715 --> 01:02:34,382
Seriously?
Yeah.
1208
01:02:39,455 --> 01:02:41,122
There we go.
1209
01:02:41,124 --> 01:02:43,591
Take a deep breath, relax.
1210
01:02:43,593 --> 01:02:47,562
Let the comfort
and ambience
envelop you.
1211
01:02:47,564 --> 01:02:52,200
So, madam, what brings you
to soft solutions today?
1212
01:02:52,202 --> 01:02:57,205
Are you shopping
for a new home
or just browsing?
1213
01:02:57,207 --> 01:02:58,206
None of the above.
1214
01:02:58,208 --> 01:03:00,709
Returning a hideous
Moroccan throw rug
for Morgan.
1215
01:03:00,711 --> 01:03:04,679
God damn it.
I picked that out
for her.
1216
01:03:05,014 --> 01:03:07,048
You did?
1217
01:03:07,216 --> 01:03:08,450
You met Morgan here?
1218
01:03:08,452 --> 01:03:12,087
Yeah.
In decor enrichments.
1219
01:03:12,089 --> 01:03:13,521
God, she was so beautiful.
1220
01:03:13,523 --> 01:03:17,625
I was intimidated,
to say the least,
but, I don't know,
1221
01:03:17,627 --> 01:03:23,331
I got brave,
we started talking,
and we clicked.
1222
01:03:24,433 --> 01:03:27,402
I just wanted
a girlfriend.
1223
01:03:27,503 --> 01:03:28,269
Aw.
1224
01:03:28,271 --> 01:03:32,640
Okay, listen,
let me give you a tip
as your search continues.
1225
01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:34,275
Going psycho
and blackmailing a woman
1226
01:03:34,277 --> 01:03:37,746
isn't going to change
her mind about
your boyfriend potential.
1227
01:03:37,748 --> 01:03:40,548
That's fair enough.
Yeah.
1228
01:03:40,550 --> 01:03:43,718
You know she really
loves Grady, right?
1229
01:03:45,187 --> 01:03:46,588
Yeah, I know.
1230
01:03:46,590 --> 01:03:50,058
God, I can't wait
to get these people
out of my life.
1231
01:03:50,060 --> 01:03:51,559
Then kick Grady out.
I can't.
1232
01:03:51,561 --> 01:03:54,429
I'm a blackmailer, remember?
He could have me arrested.
1233
01:03:54,431 --> 01:03:56,765
I'm his kunta kinte
until he decides
to set me free.
1234
01:03:56,767 --> 01:04:00,435
That's not gonna happen
until he balances
the scales with Morgan
1235
01:04:00,437 --> 01:04:02,137
and gets
his revenge schtup.
1236
01:04:02,139 --> 01:04:03,671
Okay, so then
what are you doing
1237
01:04:03,673 --> 01:04:05,573
to help him on this
ridiculous mission?
1238
01:04:05,575 --> 01:04:07,776
Nothing.
I hate going out.
1239
01:04:07,778 --> 01:04:09,644
I'm a total curmudgeon.
1240
01:04:09,646 --> 01:04:10,779
And a whiny little bitch.
1241
01:04:10,781 --> 01:04:12,714
I wear pajama tops
and flip flops
to nightclubs.
1242
01:04:12,716 --> 01:04:16,484
You have the social skills
of a truck driver
with asperger's.
1243
01:04:16,486 --> 01:04:17,519
I'm a horrible wingman.
1244
01:04:17,521 --> 01:04:21,089
You're like
a colossal cockblocker.
1245
01:04:21,424 --> 01:04:23,091
Oh, my god.
1246
01:04:23,093 --> 01:04:23,725
Hannah.
1247
01:04:23,727 --> 01:04:27,395
I'm the reason
Grady hasn't
pulled the dick trigger.
1248
01:04:27,397 --> 01:04:29,798
Good god,
you're a genius.
1249
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:33,101
You're just
realizing this now?
1250
01:04:33,103 --> 01:04:37,272
Grady? Where are we
headed tonight?
1251
01:04:37,274 --> 01:04:40,108
I am parched for hootch!
1252
01:04:40,176 --> 01:04:41,276
Dear dumbass.
1253
01:04:41,278 --> 01:04:43,611
I have some work to get done at the office.
1254
01:04:43,613 --> 01:04:44,846
Consider yourself on parole.
1255
01:04:44,848 --> 01:04:48,516
Love, the motherfucker in charge.
1256
01:04:49,686 --> 01:04:53,121
Not on my watch,
kemosabe.
1257
01:05:31,694 --> 01:05:35,296
Yeah, looking good, stensy.
1258
01:05:39,768 --> 01:05:41,870
Keep the change, baby.
1259
01:05:42,304 --> 01:05:44,472
Get yourself
something nice.
1260
01:05:47,511 --> 01:05:49,244
What was that?
1261
01:06:18,575 --> 01:06:19,774
It's checking out time.
1262
01:06:19,776 --> 01:06:21,376
What the fuck
are you doing here?
1263
01:06:21,378 --> 01:06:24,712
Put that shit away.
It's Thursday night,
weekend's already started.
1264
01:06:24,714 --> 01:06:26,714
Jesus Christ,
you look like shit.
1265
01:06:26,716 --> 01:06:28,950
Is that my
Rocco richetti pinstripe?
1266
01:06:28,952 --> 01:06:31,619
Yeah. Fits like
a condom, right?
1267
01:06:31,621 --> 01:06:33,454
All I'm saying
is ladies' night
1268
01:06:33,456 --> 01:06:35,823
at the Trinity club
is already in progress.
1269
01:06:35,825 --> 01:06:38,960
Three floors of DJs, dancing,
and binge drinking.
1270
01:06:38,962 --> 01:06:42,330
You take all
those ingredients,
put 'em in a muffin pan,
1271
01:06:42,332 --> 01:06:43,665
when they come
out of the oven,
1272
01:06:43,667 --> 01:06:45,433
they're hot, sweaty,
and destined for regret.
1273
01:06:45,435 --> 01:06:49,270
Come on. Are we gonna
settle the score
with Morgan or what?
1274
01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:53,308
Let's finish
what you fuckin' started.
1275
01:06:56,612 --> 01:06:59,480
You know what?
You're right.
1276
01:06:59,482 --> 01:07:02,417
Fuck it. Let's do it.
1277
01:07:06,690 --> 01:07:09,524
Who is the ringleader?
You're up!
You're up. You're up.
1278
01:07:09,526 --> 01:07:13,828
Who is the ringleader?
You're up! You're up!
You're up!
1279
01:07:13,830 --> 01:07:17,432
Who is the ringleader?
You're...
1280
01:07:17,967 --> 01:07:19,734
Wow. You guys live here?
Yeah.
1281
01:07:19,736 --> 01:07:23,671
We've stripped away
all the snobbery
of modern trendy furnishing
1282
01:07:23,673 --> 01:07:28,576
to create
a streamlined hidey-hole
of purified partying.
1283
01:07:28,578 --> 01:07:30,511
We call it "beatnik chic."
1284
01:07:30,513 --> 01:07:31,946
Works for me.
Cool.
1285
01:07:31,948 --> 01:07:34,249
Tequila!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
1286
01:07:34,251 --> 01:07:36,918
Fuck. I lasso
doublemint twins for us,
1287
01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:38,720
and you sit here like
a gassy infant? Come on!
1288
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:41,823
What the fuck
happened to you?
Burns so good, baby.
1289
01:07:41,825 --> 01:07:42,824
Ai! Yi-yi-yi-yi!
1290
01:07:42,826 --> 01:07:45,727
Was that a middle eastern
war cry?
That was.
1291
01:07:45,729 --> 01:07:47,662
Where did that
come from?
I don't know.
1292
01:07:47,664 --> 01:07:48,997
You get up
off of your vagina.
1293
01:07:48,999 --> 01:07:51,432
You're embarrassing
yourself. Come on.
1294
01:07:51,434 --> 01:07:52,367
Fuck.
1295
01:07:52,369 --> 01:07:53,735
The next one's
for you, handsome.
1296
01:07:53,737 --> 01:07:55,837
Remember what
we're doing here.
1297
01:07:55,839 --> 01:07:56,704
Thank you.
1298
01:07:56,706 --> 01:07:58,773
Are we too cray-cray
for you, Grady?
1299
01:07:58,775 --> 01:07:59,774
Yes.
1300
01:07:59,776 --> 01:08:01,409
You'll have to excuse
my friend.
1301
01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:04,012
He gets bashful
around beautiful women.
1302
01:08:04,014 --> 01:08:05,647
Aw!
Aw!
1303
01:08:05,649 --> 01:08:07,482
We need music.
Yes!
1304
01:08:07,484 --> 01:08:10,718
Whoa... cool!
Records, just like
my Nana's house.
1305
01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:13,955
The next shots are gonna
come out of my navel, boys.
1306
01:08:13,957 --> 01:08:17,492
Here, help me up,
stensy.
Ooh. Yeah.
1307
01:08:17,559 --> 01:08:20,695
I got it. Billy ocean!
1308
01:08:21,063 --> 01:08:22,297
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
1309
01:08:22,299 --> 01:08:26,501
You know,
i don't think Billy ocean
is such a good idea.
1310
01:08:26,503 --> 01:08:27,669
Who's Billy ocean?
1311
01:08:27,671 --> 01:08:29,003
What's your problem
with Billy ocean?
1312
01:08:29,005 --> 01:08:32,373
I... I just react
strangely to his music, okay?
1313
01:08:32,375 --> 01:08:34,575
I just... I just have
an emotional relationship.
1314
01:08:34,577 --> 01:08:38,713
There's a lot of
history there, okay?
So, don't put it on.
1315
01:08:38,715 --> 01:08:40,315
Hmm.
You hear that, girls?
1316
01:08:40,317 --> 01:08:43,851
Stensland reacts strangely
to Billy ocean's music.
1317
01:08:43,853 --> 01:08:45,887
No, no, no, elaborate.
1318
01:08:45,889 --> 01:08:48,456
No, I don't really...
Come on! Please?
1319
01:08:48,458 --> 01:08:50,458
- No, no, no, because...
- Stensy...
1320
01:08:50,460 --> 01:08:51,726
Fine, fine, okay. It's...
1321
01:08:51,728 --> 01:08:57,832
It's kind of sappy,
but, uh,
it's genuine stensland.
1322
01:08:57,834 --> 01:08:58,900
All right.
1323
01:08:58,902 --> 01:09:01,436
Amber mcginnitty
was the prettiest
1324
01:09:01,438 --> 01:09:03,438
12-year-old in
the history of 12-year-olds.
1325
01:09:03,440 --> 01:09:08,376
She loved Billy ocean,
and I loved her,
so I studied him.
1326
01:09:08,378 --> 01:09:13,715
He was everything I wasn't.
Suave, soulful,
fashionable, black.
1327
01:09:13,717 --> 01:09:16,751
My mother made me
a little white suit
just like Billy's.
1328
01:09:16,753 --> 01:09:23,524
I put it on,
locked myself in my bedroom,
and danced to his jams.
1329
01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:28,796
And then I'd cry
and feel sorry for myself.
1330
01:09:28,864 --> 01:09:29,964
Oh...
1331
01:09:29,966 --> 01:09:30,698
Aw...
1332
01:09:30,700 --> 01:09:33,401
So, anytime I hear
the sounds of the ocean now,
1333
01:09:33,403 --> 01:09:37,939
it just puts me in mind
of Amber mcginnitty.
1334
01:09:37,941 --> 01:09:39,073
Well, did you ask her out?
1335
01:09:39,075 --> 01:09:41,876
Yes, to the tropical
para-dance.
1336
01:09:41,878 --> 01:09:44,445
And she said yes?
1337
01:09:48,584 --> 01:09:49,617
Oh!
Oh...
1338
01:09:49,619 --> 01:09:50,985
Oh...
Ooh.
1339
01:09:50,987 --> 01:09:53,020
Oh, stensy...
Oh, that's nice.
1340
01:09:53,022 --> 01:09:56,791
Hey. Hey, hey.
I would hug you,
too, but, um...
1341
01:09:56,793 --> 01:09:59,761
I've got a beverage
in my bellybutton.
1342
01:09:59,763 --> 01:10:02,530
Come on.
Come on.
1343
01:10:02,532 --> 01:10:04,499
Um...
1344
01:10:04,933 --> 01:10:06,834
Suck me.
1345
01:10:07,035 --> 01:10:09,771
Do it. Suck her.
1346
01:10:21,618 --> 01:10:22,984
Go, stensy!
1347
01:10:37,599 --> 01:10:40,001
Yeah, stensy! Whoo!
1348
01:10:45,040 --> 01:10:46,207
Whoo!
1349
01:10:47,777 --> 01:10:51,045
Whoo!
1350
01:11:33,022 --> 01:11:35,022
Fucking slut.
1351
01:11:36,493 --> 01:11:37,492
What?
1352
01:11:37,494 --> 01:11:41,829
I'm sorry.
Samantha is a fucking slut.
1353
01:11:41,831 --> 01:11:44,198
You're nice, stensland.
It's just...
1354
01:11:44,200 --> 01:11:46,834
I kind of had
my heart set on Grady,
1355
01:11:46,836 --> 01:11:49,003
and fucking bitch
Samantha does it again!
1356
01:11:49,005 --> 01:11:52,507
She just sluts it up so early
that they can't even choose
1357
01:11:52,509 --> 01:11:53,774
when it comes
time to pick rooms,
1358
01:11:53,776 --> 01:11:55,943
and then I just
always get stuck with the,
you know...
1359
01:11:55,945 --> 01:11:58,079
With the what?
1360
01:11:58,146 --> 01:11:59,680
With the dorky one?
1361
01:11:59,682 --> 01:12:04,252
With the pale
and waifish pity case?
The goat boy?
1362
01:12:04,254 --> 01:12:10,525
The sad sack who only
watches programming
intended for teen girls?
1363
01:12:15,163 --> 01:12:17,565
I'm sorry.
1364
01:12:20,068 --> 01:12:25,006
Oh, my god! This bathroom
is disgusting!
1365
01:12:48,297 --> 01:12:49,096
What?
1366
01:12:49,098 --> 01:12:51,732
Well, I did it last night.
1367
01:12:51,734 --> 01:12:52,833
You did what last night?
1368
01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:57,705
She was young and quite gorgeous.
1369
01:12:58,273 --> 01:13:02,109
So, how's it feel?
1370
01:13:06,215 --> 01:13:08,583
It feels awful.
1371
01:13:09,585 --> 01:13:11,886
Is there anything else?
1372
01:13:13,021 --> 01:13:14,755
No.
1373
01:13:14,757 --> 01:13:18,125
I've got nothing else to say.
1374
01:13:19,061 --> 01:13:23,164
Well, then goodbye, Grady.
1375
01:13:23,231 --> 01:13:25,166
Goodbye.
1376
01:13:30,973 --> 01:13:33,140
Oh, hey.
1377
01:13:34,276 --> 01:13:37,044
Sorry about last night.
1378
01:13:37,746 --> 01:13:39,347
Yeah.
1379
01:13:39,349 --> 01:13:41,616
Whatever.
1380
01:14:03,372 --> 01:14:04,939
Hey, stensland.
1381
01:14:04,941 --> 01:14:07,108
Good morning, Michael.
1382
01:14:09,811 --> 01:14:12,013
Thank you.
Okay.
1383
01:14:22,958 --> 01:14:24,892
Excuse me,
can you help me?
1384
01:14:24,894 --> 01:14:28,863
I'm sorry,
i don't actually work here.
1385
01:14:29,231 --> 01:14:32,366
Are you Billy ocean?
1386
01:14:32,368 --> 01:14:34,268
Feelin' pretty blue,
huh, stensy?
1387
01:14:34,270 --> 01:14:39,373
Deep blue, Billy.
I fucked up, big style.
1388
01:14:39,375 --> 01:14:40,908
You sure did,
my pale friend.
1389
01:14:40,910 --> 01:14:46,947
I indulged Grady's penis
when it was his heart
that needed a hand.
1390
01:14:46,949 --> 01:14:50,151
Ah, this beach party
ain't over, stensy.
1391
01:14:50,153 --> 01:14:51,252
It runs on island time.
1392
01:14:51,254 --> 01:14:54,689
What's track number six
off of love zone?
1393
01:14:54,691 --> 01:14:56,857
Track number six...
1394
01:14:56,992 --> 01:14:59,360
It's never too late to try.
1395
01:14:59,362 --> 01:15:01,362
Slip on a new pair
of boat shoes.
1396
01:15:01,364 --> 01:15:03,364
The world needs
your help, stensy.
1397
01:15:03,366 --> 01:15:05,433
In fact, I need
your help right now.
1398
01:15:05,435 --> 01:15:06,434
You do?
I do.
1399
01:15:06,436 --> 01:15:11,739
Where can I find me
a love seat
impervious to cat pee?
1400
01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,340
What?
1401
01:15:13,342 --> 01:15:14,942
Do you know, young man?
1402
01:15:14,944 --> 01:15:18,079
I... wait, where did
your breezy suit go?
1403
01:15:18,081 --> 01:15:19,814
You're not Billy ocean.
1404
01:15:19,816 --> 01:15:21,315
Breezy suit? Focus, son.
1405
01:15:21,317 --> 01:15:23,451
I'm looking for a love seat
that won't stain
1406
01:15:23,453 --> 01:15:27,788
when my wife's crazy cat
takes a whizz on it.
1407
01:15:27,889 --> 01:15:29,056
Oh.
1408
01:15:29,058 --> 01:15:30,324
Yeah, uh, of course.
1409
01:15:30,326 --> 01:15:32,493
Well, the "home sweet home"
collection
1410
01:15:32,495 --> 01:15:35,830
has an optional
stain-resistant fabric.
1411
01:15:35,832 --> 01:15:36,764
Excellent.
1412
01:15:36,766 --> 01:15:37,998
Come right this way, sir.
1413
01:15:38,000 --> 01:15:40,801
Now, this textile has
the look and feel of cotton,
1414
01:15:40,803 --> 01:15:43,370
but totally kicks
blemishes to the curb.
1415
01:15:43,372 --> 01:15:47,208
Perfect. Does it
come in tropical print?
1416
01:15:47,509 --> 01:15:48,909
Morgan!
Oh, jeez.
1417
01:15:48,911 --> 01:15:52,279
Did you eat all the bismarcks?
There's not gonna be
enough for the clients.
1418
01:15:52,281 --> 01:15:56,050
I'm sorry. I'm a little
upside down right now.
1419
01:15:56,052 --> 01:16:00,421
Oh, Grady.
Grady finally got
his revenge last night.
1420
01:16:00,423 --> 01:16:02,056
He what?
1421
01:16:02,058 --> 01:16:03,190
Oh...
1422
01:16:03,192 --> 01:16:04,225
Yep.
1423
01:16:04,227 --> 01:16:05,426
Who was it?
I don't know,
1424
01:16:05,428 --> 01:16:08,863
but up in here, she looks like
Jessica rabbit, only sexier.
1425
01:16:08,865 --> 01:16:12,767
I'm sorry. You can't be
that surprised.
1426
01:16:12,769 --> 01:16:14,535
No, you're right, I'm not.
1427
01:16:14,537 --> 01:16:16,403
Can we look
on the bright side?
1428
01:16:16,405 --> 01:16:17,438
We have more donuts?
1429
01:16:17,440 --> 01:16:20,307
No. Now,
in Grady's stubborn mind,
1430
01:16:20,309 --> 01:16:21,942
the scales have
finally been balanced.
1431
01:16:21,944 --> 01:16:24,011
He's shot his spiteful wad,
and we both know
1432
01:16:24,013 --> 01:16:27,381
what happens to guys
after they blow their load.
1433
01:16:27,383 --> 01:16:28,249
They get real.
1434
01:16:28,251 --> 01:16:29,850
It's too late
to get real, Hannah.
1435
01:16:29,852 --> 01:16:33,854
I mean, it is over.
It is over like
smoking on planes is over.
1436
01:16:33,856 --> 01:16:36,524
I'm telling you,
if he was to walk
in here right now
1437
01:16:36,526 --> 01:16:37,958
and get down
on his knees
1438
01:16:37,960 --> 01:16:40,828
with the hope diamond,
i would not take him back.
1439
01:16:40,830 --> 01:16:42,263
Fuck him.
1440
01:16:42,265 --> 01:16:47,034
Fuck him and his...
His dreamy blue eyes.
1441
01:16:47,036 --> 01:16:51,806
Oh, god, I hope
Judy in accounting
has mini-snickers.
1442
01:16:56,978 --> 01:16:58,846
Oh, hello there.
1443
01:16:58,848 --> 01:17:03,918
Just wanted to pay you
in advance for the kid's rent.
1444
01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:06,053
Just a couple of months.
1445
01:17:08,156 --> 01:17:10,090
Stensland.
1446
01:17:10,092 --> 01:17:11,992
Thank you.
1447
01:17:18,099 --> 01:17:20,401
Hey.
You got a job?
1448
01:17:20,403 --> 01:17:24,171
Yeah, my new grindstone.
1449
01:17:24,472 --> 01:17:26,340
Well, you look sharp.
1450
01:17:26,342 --> 01:17:29,844
Thanks.
Congratulations.
1451
01:17:30,011 --> 01:17:31,045
Where are you going?
1452
01:17:31,047 --> 01:17:34,915
Ah, get some work done,
then check into
the four seasons.
1453
01:17:34,917 --> 01:17:37,451
I tormented you
long enough.
1454
01:17:39,921 --> 01:17:43,090
You slept with Samantha,
i assume?
1455
01:17:45,260 --> 01:17:49,129
No, I didn't. I couldn't.
1456
01:17:51,534 --> 01:17:54,435
Well, you know,
1457
01:17:54,502 --> 01:17:57,037
the heart pumps blood
into the penis,
1458
01:17:57,039 --> 01:17:58,405
but when that
heart is broken...
1459
01:17:58,407 --> 01:18:01,575
Oh, god, give me a break.
...The penis...
1460
01:18:01,577 --> 01:18:04,345
My penis wasn't the problem,
dumbass.
1461
01:18:04,347 --> 01:18:06,447
And if you're so smart
about this stuff,
1462
01:18:06,449 --> 01:18:08,983
why did she fuck around
on me to begin with?
1463
01:18:08,985 --> 01:18:10,451
With you!
I don't know.
1464
01:18:10,453 --> 01:18:14,622
Isn't marriage supposedly
harder than pole vaulting?
1465
01:18:14,624 --> 01:18:18,592
My parents
lasted for four years
and threw in the sponge.
1466
01:18:18,594 --> 01:18:21,328
You and Morgan
prevailed for 15.
1467
01:18:21,330 --> 01:18:22,897
But after
15 years of anything,
1468
01:18:22,899 --> 01:18:25,933
even something good
is bound to Fritz
a little, right?
1469
01:18:25,935 --> 01:18:29,336
I don't know if it's been good
for a long time, stensland.
1470
01:18:29,338 --> 01:18:31,472
Whose fault is that,
do you think?
1471
01:18:31,474 --> 01:18:35,276
I'm sorry,
but why don't you
just go home?
1472
01:18:35,278 --> 01:18:36,143
To Morgan.
1473
01:18:36,145 --> 01:18:38,913
You know she's sorry!
You are too!
1474
01:18:38,915 --> 01:18:41,982
Because everything
has changed, that's why.
1475
01:18:41,984 --> 01:18:44,652
No, look, your love
has just been tested.
1476
01:18:44,654 --> 01:18:46,287
Like Aladdin in
the cave of wonders,
1477
01:18:46,289 --> 01:18:51,425
or when wonka's
golden ticket-holders
got everlasting gobstoppers.
1478
01:18:51,427 --> 01:18:53,994
You passed the test, Grady.
1479
01:18:53,996 --> 01:18:55,429
You still love each other!
1480
01:18:55,431 --> 01:18:58,232
Sometimes, you have
to lose somebody completely
1481
01:18:58,234 --> 01:19:02,469
before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.
1482
01:19:02,471 --> 01:19:06,173
Why don't you go
and tell her that?
1483
01:19:06,474 --> 01:19:10,978
I appreciate you caring.
It's not that simple.
1484
01:19:10,980 --> 01:19:12,713
Goodbye, stensland.
1485
01:19:13,048 --> 01:19:15,482
Your butch ego
is getting in the way
1486
01:19:15,484 --> 01:19:18,552
of your happiness,
you asshole!
1487
01:19:18,554 --> 01:19:21,021
You're really
not going to her?
1488
01:19:21,023 --> 01:19:24,425
No, I am not going to her.
1489
01:19:24,427 --> 01:19:29,029
Okay. Well... I am.
1490
01:19:29,031 --> 01:19:33,000
You wanna know why
she cheated on you?
The truth?
1491
01:19:33,002 --> 01:19:34,168
It's because of me.
1492
01:19:34,170 --> 01:19:36,537
I'm the romantic
and sensitive type of man
1493
01:19:36,539 --> 01:19:38,372
Morgan knows
she should've married.
1494
01:19:38,374 --> 01:19:41,408
All I had to do was pay her
one gooey compliment,
1495
01:19:41,410 --> 01:19:45,112
and those waterlogged
panties hit the floor.
1496
01:19:45,114 --> 01:19:46,647
Ker-splash.
1497
01:19:46,649 --> 01:19:48,315
Your wife is
the finest piece
1498
01:19:48,317 --> 01:19:50,317
of ass and boobs
I've ever tasted,
1499
01:19:50,319 --> 01:19:53,620
and I'm going right back
to her office, right now
1500
01:19:53,622 --> 01:19:55,556
to get me some more!
1501
01:19:55,558 --> 01:19:57,324
Son of a bitch. Stensland!
1502
01:19:57,326 --> 01:20:01,462
My tongue is gonna be
in her vagina so long,
it'll pickle!
1503
01:20:01,464 --> 01:20:03,464
I'm gonna make her go...
1504
01:20:06,434 --> 01:20:07,601
All over again!
1505
01:20:07,603 --> 01:20:10,237
Come on.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
1506
01:20:10,239 --> 01:20:11,572
You don't deserve her!
I do!
1507
01:20:11,574 --> 01:20:15,109
I'm gonna bury you,
dig you up,
and kill you again!
1508
01:20:15,111 --> 01:20:16,744
I'm killing you.
1509
01:20:16,746 --> 01:20:19,046
Hey, girls.
1510
01:20:19,381 --> 01:20:20,547
Sorry.
1511
01:20:20,549 --> 01:20:23,183
I owe you one.
No problem, sweetheart.
1512
01:20:23,185 --> 01:20:26,020
Stensland, you little prick!
1513
01:20:26,388 --> 01:20:27,321
Ooh.
1514
01:20:27,323 --> 01:20:28,355
Must be the husband.
1515
01:20:28,357 --> 01:20:31,191
I guess so.
Mm-hmm. I'd tap that.
1516
01:20:37,199 --> 01:20:39,400
Not now, muumuu!
1517
01:20:40,502 --> 01:20:42,436
Stensland!
1518
01:20:46,541 --> 01:20:48,142
Ooh!
1519
01:21:01,056 --> 01:21:03,791
Stay! Stay! Stay!
1520
01:21:03,793 --> 01:21:05,225
Stay! Stay, stay!
1521
01:21:05,227 --> 01:21:08,562
What the... those are
$2,000 pants, asshole!
1522
01:21:08,564 --> 01:21:10,197
Morgan needs
a fresh young buck,
1523
01:21:10,199 --> 01:21:12,766
not a bitter old Nelly!
Fuck you!
1524
01:21:12,768 --> 01:21:14,668
Son of a bitch.
1525
01:21:18,273 --> 01:21:19,840
What the hell do you want?
1526
01:21:19,842 --> 01:21:22,309
Stensland!
1527
01:21:23,411 --> 01:21:25,446
Hey! Hey!
1528
01:21:25,448 --> 01:21:28,482
Come back here,
you little shit!
1529
01:21:35,356 --> 01:21:37,257
Son of a bitch!
1530
01:21:40,195 --> 01:21:42,629
Where the fuck...
1531
01:21:43,331 --> 01:21:44,531
Counselor?
Tiny!
1532
01:21:44,533 --> 01:21:46,166
Carrot-top,
half-pants, which way?
1533
01:21:46,168 --> 01:21:48,368
Through the house.
Want a knife?
1534
01:21:48,370 --> 01:21:49,703
No, I'm good.
Thanks, tiny.
1535
01:21:49,705 --> 01:21:53,540
Re-draw hearing Tuesday!
Judge's chambers!
Don't be late!
1536
01:21:53,542 --> 01:21:56,543
That's my lawyer.
1537
01:22:01,416 --> 01:22:04,251
I'm gonna put
my Willy in her!
1538
01:22:04,253 --> 01:22:06,286
Son of a bitch!
1539
01:22:08,890 --> 01:22:10,557
Fuck you!
1540
01:22:10,559 --> 01:22:12,192
Die, fucker.
1541
01:22:12,194 --> 01:22:14,428
Taxi! Sorry.
1542
01:22:20,635 --> 01:22:24,138
So, where to, gentlemen?
1543
01:22:28,543 --> 01:22:30,210
Okay.
1544
01:22:32,615 --> 01:22:35,749
Going up, in her vagina.
You little bitch.
1545
01:22:37,586 --> 01:22:39,153
So, what impact
does traditional
1546
01:22:39,155 --> 01:22:41,255
earned media have
in the marketplace?
1547
01:22:41,257 --> 01:22:42,422
Well, I'm going to tell you.
1548
01:22:42,424 --> 01:22:45,192
Oh, shit.
1549
01:22:45,194 --> 01:22:47,361
Call the paramedics!
1550
01:22:48,196 --> 01:22:50,497
Now you're going to get
the ass-kicking you deserve.
1551
01:22:50,499 --> 01:22:52,399
Could you just
free my windpipe?
1552
01:22:52,401 --> 01:22:54,701
No.
I'm getting an erection.
1553
01:22:54,703 --> 01:22:56,503
Call security, please.
1554
01:22:56,505 --> 01:23:00,274
I'm really sorry,
everyone. Um...
1555
01:23:00,341 --> 01:23:01,675
I apologize.
1556
01:23:01,677 --> 01:23:07,748
We are going to have
to reschedule this.
I'm so sorry.
1557
01:23:08,183 --> 01:23:08,782
So...
1558
01:23:08,784 --> 01:23:13,554
Okay, folks.
I'll call you tomorrow
to reschedule. Thank you.
1559
01:23:14,322 --> 01:23:18,559
Sorry.
The pitch
was blown anyway.
1560
01:23:19,627 --> 01:23:21,929
Thank you. Grady.
1561
01:23:22,397 --> 01:23:23,897
Hannah.
1562
01:23:23,899 --> 01:23:27,568
Four weeks,
I've been working
on that presentation.
1563
01:23:27,570 --> 01:23:30,804
Morgan,
he's come to apologize.
1564
01:23:30,806 --> 01:23:35,375
Wait, hang on.
Yes, you did, Grady.
1565
01:23:36,911 --> 01:23:38,412
Morgan,
1566
01:23:38,414 --> 01:23:39,646
you should've seen
how he reacted
1567
01:23:39,648 --> 01:23:42,749
when I told him
i was coming here
to fuck you again.
1568
01:23:42,751 --> 01:23:47,254
He was transformed
into a violent love werewolf.
1569
01:23:47,256 --> 01:23:49,690
Cursed not by the bite
of another love wolf,
1570
01:23:49,692 --> 01:23:56,597
but by his ferocious,
undying love for you,
his luminous bride.
1571
01:23:56,599 --> 01:23:58,532
This romance
has teeth, people.
1572
01:23:58,534 --> 01:24:04,938
Your saga puts me
in mind of Napoleon
and Josephine in many ways.
1573
01:24:05,006 --> 01:24:07,274
Despite adultery and...
Stensland.
1574
01:24:07,276 --> 01:24:09,610
Yeah? Oh.
1575
01:24:15,350 --> 01:24:17,618
Come on, Grady.
1576
01:24:21,990 --> 01:24:23,590
We wouldn't have
burst in like this
1577
01:24:23,592 --> 01:24:26,293
if I'd known that,
you know,
the pitch was today.
1578
01:24:26,295 --> 01:24:29,363
Oh, but how would you have
known about this pitch?
1579
01:24:29,365 --> 01:24:31,565
It didn't involve you.
1580
01:24:31,799 --> 01:24:32,799
It doesn't matter.
1581
01:24:32,801 --> 01:24:36,303
Hannah's right.
It was screwed
from the beginning.
1582
01:24:36,305 --> 01:24:36,937
Really?
1583
01:24:36,939 --> 01:24:39,606
But you're the best
powerpoint player
in the game.
1584
01:24:39,608 --> 01:24:40,741
Yeah, well,
you know what?
1585
01:24:40,743 --> 01:24:42,442
Not on the day that
my husband calls me
1586
01:24:42,444 --> 01:24:44,678
to tell me he screwed
someone else.
1587
01:24:45,947 --> 01:24:47,581
Right.
1588
01:24:47,882 --> 01:24:49,683
He's gonna fuck this up.
1589
01:24:49,685 --> 01:24:50,617
No, he won't.
1590
01:24:50,619 --> 01:24:53,520
Come on, Grady,
give her the straight shit.
1591
01:24:53,522 --> 01:24:56,290
Listen, Morgan, I, uh...
1592
01:24:56,891 --> 01:24:58,592
I lied about that.
1593
01:24:58,594 --> 01:25:01,395
I didn't sleep
with anybody.
1594
01:25:01,397 --> 01:25:04,731
I tried, but I didn't.
1595
01:25:04,832 --> 01:25:05,666
Why not?
1596
01:25:05,668 --> 01:25:09,736
Because I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
1597
01:25:10,705 --> 01:25:12,773
And about us.
1598
01:25:13,675 --> 01:25:15,609
That's good.
1599
01:25:16,844 --> 01:25:20,547
I owe you an apology,
and I get that now.
1600
01:25:20,549 --> 01:25:21,648
Grady, what do you get?
1601
01:25:21,650 --> 01:25:25,619
That I'm the one
that screwed up
our marriage.
1602
01:25:25,621 --> 01:25:29,623
I neglected you,
and I abandoned us.
1603
01:25:29,625 --> 01:25:33,327
And your firm took off,
and my career took off...
1604
01:25:33,329 --> 01:25:37,631
I tried. I was trying
so hard, Grady.
1605
01:25:37,633 --> 01:25:38,532
I know you did.
1606
01:25:38,534 --> 01:25:41,802
I saw it. But I was stupid,
and I was lazy,
1607
01:25:41,804 --> 01:25:46,773
and I took you,
the only woman
I've ever been in love with,
1608
01:25:46,775 --> 01:25:50,744
I took you for granted,
just like a...
1609
01:25:50,746 --> 01:25:53,080
An asshole.
1610
01:25:53,648 --> 01:25:55,882
And I'm sorry, Morgan.
1611
01:25:56,517 --> 01:25:58,785
But assholes can learn.
1612
01:25:58,787 --> 01:26:03,924
And I think,
in a positive way,
our love has been tested.
1613
01:26:03,926 --> 01:26:08,895
Not unlike Aladdin
in the thunder cave,
1614
01:26:08,897 --> 01:26:14,768
or even Willy wonka
when he was giving food away
1615
01:26:14,770 --> 01:26:16,703
to the homeless.
What?
1616
01:26:16,705 --> 01:26:19,906
He's getting
wonka all wrong.
1617
01:26:21,809 --> 01:26:26,012
Oh, Grady.
I'm sorry, too.
1618
01:26:28,883 --> 01:26:30,784
Look, I do know
one thing.
1619
01:26:30,786 --> 01:26:34,688
Sometimes you have to
completely lose somebody
1620
01:26:34,690 --> 01:26:39,559
before you can
really appreciate
what they mean to you.
1621
01:26:42,530 --> 01:26:44,431
Fucker.
1622
01:26:44,433 --> 01:26:47,434
I'm almost impressed
right now.
Oh, don't be.
1623
01:26:47,436 --> 01:26:50,003
Grady subconsciously knew
what I was doing.
1624
01:26:50,005 --> 01:26:51,104
You think?
Yeah.
1625
01:26:51,106 --> 01:26:53,407
He's too mule-headed
to come see her on his own,
1626
01:26:53,409 --> 01:26:55,542
so I just gave him
an excuse rooted
in an emotion
1627
01:26:55,544 --> 01:26:59,980
he's comfortable expressing.
Blind, vengeful fury.
1628
01:26:59,982 --> 01:27:00,747
Hmm.
1629
01:27:00,749 --> 01:27:04,050
On second thought,
that is pretty impressive.
Admire me accordingly.
1630
01:27:09,691 --> 01:27:14,995
Well, as Mary poppins
and a paraphrased
Jesus once said,
1631
01:27:15,496 --> 01:27:17,898
"my work here is done."
1632
01:27:18,800 --> 01:27:20,867
Goodbye, Hannah.
1633
01:27:21,602 --> 01:27:22,169
Bye.
1634
01:27:22,171 --> 01:27:25,105
You're welcome.
What?
1635
01:27:35,016 --> 01:27:36,516
Hey!
1636
01:27:36,518 --> 01:27:37,083
Oh.
1637
01:27:37,085 --> 01:27:38,952
We wanted to thank him.
1638
01:27:38,954 --> 01:27:40,720
Yeah, well,
it'll have to wait.
1639
01:27:40,722 --> 01:27:44,891
He's on to his next adventure.
Or whatever.
1640
01:27:44,893 --> 01:27:50,030
He seems different somehow.
Like, I don't know.
1641
01:27:50,032 --> 01:27:52,499
Like a big,
beautiful condor
1642
01:27:52,501 --> 01:27:55,969
that people will
respect and fear.
1643
01:27:55,971 --> 01:28:00,507
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland,"
they'll say.
1644
01:28:00,509 --> 01:28:04,945
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland."
1645
01:32:55,803 --> 01:32:57,437
That is delightful
and witty.
1646
01:32:57,439 --> 01:32:59,506
I know.
122528
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