All language subtitles for Cold.Comfort.Farm.1995.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-FGT.ENG

I saw...

something nasty in the woodshed

Help Help Help

I've always found your choice
of hobby, madam, quite unique

Yes What do you think, Sneller?

Not really my department, madam

Venus design Waber Brothers, 1918

Famed corsetiers to the gentry
And if you look carefully,

you'll see it's got only two elastic panels
in front instead of the usual three

So it has, madam

It's Miss Poste Poor thing
Go and let her in

Sneller, how are you? Very well, miss

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents
Thank you, Sneller

Do you have one and six for the driver?
I'll see to it, miss

Flora, darling, was
the funeral too awful?

Horrid Though I'm bound to say

all the London relatives
seemed to enjoy it no end

Did any of them ask you to go and
live with them? I meant to warn you

Relatives at funerals always do that
Not me

I've only a hundred pounds a
year, and I can't play bridge

And I was never very close to my parents

Of course you can stay here
as long as you like, darling,

but you'll probably want to take
up some kind of work sometime:

Earn enough for a fat of your own

What kind of work?

It's ages since I did any, but there
must be something that would suit you

Bookkeeping, beekeeping
I can't do that, Mary

Really Now, Flora, don't be feeble

You know you'd be miserable if you
haven't a job and all your friends have

Besides, a hundred pounds a year
Hardly keep you in stockings and fans

Thank you, Sneller
Battenburg My favorite

You must have some ambition

I do I want to be a writer

When I'm 53, I mean to write a novel

as good as Persuasion,
but with a modern setting

Well, how will you spend the next 30 years?
Living life

Collecting material Surely
no one can object to that

I have such a lot in common with Jane Austen
Neither of us could endure a mess

What will you live on or off?

Relatives I'm peculiarly rich in them

They haven't asked you
The London ones haven't,

but there are plenty more
all over the country

I'll send off some piteous letters tomorrow
What shall we do tonight?

Are any of your admirers
back from their jungles?

You must see the New River club It's
ever so smart and select Sneller,

are any of the men home?

I believe Mr Fairford and Mr
Biscuit Bikki

Charles Fairford? He's a relative,
a sort of second cousin

Telephone, madam

Belgravia

2211

How was Kenya, Bikki? I've
heard awful things about it

It's all true

More bubbly? Just pour it, Bikki

Mary says you want
to live with relatives

You shouldn't have said, Mary He might
think I want to go and live with him

and was angling for an invitation

You'd be very welcome Mother
would love it if you did

What do you do, Charles?

Embryo parson, actually Well,
that really makes it awkward

Anyway, you're not enough of a challenge
I like to organize things and tidy up

You seem tidy already

Besides, I want to learn about real life

What for? To put it in books

I see

How about it, Mary?

I think Bikki wants to dance

What about that game of golf?

I say

You ever think of getting married?

I believe in arranged marriages, don't you?
Rather out of date

Not at all I've always liked the
phrase "A marriage has been arranged"

When I feel like it, I'll arrange one

If you get bored,
wherever you are, phone

I'll come and rescue you in my plane

Have you a plane, Charles? Belisha
Bat called 'Speed Cop Two'

Are you sure an embryo parson
should have a plane?

Everyone should have a plane
Really, Charles

Post, Miss Poste

There you are They've all answered
Now you'll be sorry

Well, wait now I'll have to
see what they have to say

Then I'll make my choice
Well, go on then

"My dear Niece, Such a sad loss"

But we must all keep a stiff upper lip

You'd be most welcome here

The Worthing air is bracing,
and dear Rosedale is always

"Full of the happiest of boarders

You'll find a true home
atmosphere and plenty of fun"

And cousin Peggy, now
Arkela of her own troop,

would love to share her bedroom with you

"Your loving aunt Gwen"

Share I couldn't

I was shocked by your letter

So shocked, my old trouble is back

I am very willing to shelter
your wee girlhood under my roof,

but I fear you could find it dull

with no company save
my poor chairbound self,

my man Hoots

And my housekeeper, now totally deaf

"Still, there is marvelous bird
life to be found in the marshes

that surround my ruin on all sides"

"I must end now,

"as my old trouble is returning

"Your loving uncle McKnag" No, Flora No

I've expected to hear from Robert
Poste's child these 20 years

Child, my man once did
your father a great wrong

If you'll come here,
I'll do my best to atone

But never ask what for
My lips are sealed

"We're not like other folk maybe, but
there have always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm"

Will you stop it? "And we will do our
best to welcome Robert Poste's child"

Child, child,

if you come to this doomed house,

what is there to save you?

"Your cousin, Judith Starkadder"

Judith Starkadder? The daughter
of my great-aunt, Ada Doom

Whom Mother couldn't abide

It sounds appalling

Interesting and appalling The
others just sound appalling

Flora I'm willing to bet

there are also cousins
called "Seth" and "Reuben"

- Why?
- Highly sexed young men living on farms

are always called "Seth" or "Reuben"

Really I mean, there probably
isn't even a bathroom

It is Sussex, for goodness' sake

Well, if you've really made up your mind to go,
you'd better You'll soon tire of it anyhow

I think I will go

I'm very keen to know what Cousin
Judith means by my "rights"

You have to change trains four times and
get out somewhere called Beershorn Halt

Don't worry, Mary There'll be
plenty of material for my novel

and perhaps one or two family
messes I can clear up

Something to take to the country

Flowers come from the country, Charles

It's very kind of you

May I come with you to the station?

Please do I like to go off in style

Good-bye, my dove

I shall expect regular letters from
you letting us know of your progress

I can send you things What things?

Proper clothes, cheerful fashion papers

You'll need them You've
never lived in the country

I'm sure I'll find it very amusing

Mind you, wire if you want
any gum boots or anything

It was winter,

the grimmest hour of the
darkest day of the year

No

Really

The golden orb had almost disappeared

behind the interlacing fingers
of the hawthorn

Adam Lambsbreath

Steady, Graceless

Come on, Feckless Fill 'un up

Adam? There you are

How many pails today? Dunno know how
many, Miss Judith 'Tis hard to tell

If Pointless got over her indigestion,
maybe four If not, maybe three

Get out of there, Seth, you
no - good son of mine

Good day, Mother Do you
want to break my heart?

- That's right
- Libertine Who's that up there?

Just lookin' for eggs, Miss Judith

Get back to the vicarage, Violet

And another thing, Adam

You'll have to take the trap down
to Beershorn Halt Meet the train

Robert Poste's child's comin' today
After the farm, is she?

Mun I, Miss Judith?

Can't Seth go instead of me?

How can I look in her little
fower face knowing what I knows?

You remember what happened when he
went to meet the new kitchen maid

No You go, Adam

Don't know how many times
I feared this day would come

How will I know the little maidy?

Who else is gonna get off
at Beershorn Halt?

A man's huge body, rude
as a wind-tortured thorn,

was printed dark against
the fame of sun that

That throbbed that throbbed
on the tip of Mockuncle Hill

- The golden orb
- Beershorn

Gh How revolting

Don't you know this trap's filthy?

Are ye the little maidy,
Robert Poste's child?

Yes, I'm the little maidy Who are you?

Adam Adam Lambsbreath

Ye get up I'll see to them,
Robert Poste's child

Miss Poste Or Miss Flora, if you
want to be completely feudal

Where's this?
Howlin; Robert Poste's child

Howling? Are we nearly there?

Another few miles yet,
Robert Poste's child

Git on, Viper

What's the farm like? The seeds wither
and the earth will not nourish 'em

The cows are barren The sows are farren

All is turned to sourness and ruin Dear

Is there no money? 'Tain't money

There's a curse on the place,
Robert Poste's child

'Tis the Starkadders'doom

I'm sure it's not as bad as all that

Viper

There, Viper

Well, it is a little gloomy, I agree

Viper

Get 'e down, Robert Poste's child

How do you do? You must be Cousin Judith

It's so good of you to have me Isn't
it curious we've never met before?

'Tis Robert Poste's child, all right

That's Graceless, looking out for me

You get back to your cows, Adam
My luggage

Meriam'll bring it This way, Miss Poste

I think, just for tonight,
I'll eat in my room if I may

It's cold there I expect a
fire will soon warm it up

My sons'll be sorry

They wanted to see their little cousin

Your sons? Seth and Reuben

Seth and Reuben Really?

Well, I'll see them tomorrow, I'm sure

Someone has a hearty appetite
Follow me, Miss Poste

Nobody shall say we didn't do
right by Robert Poste's child

No Quite

Thank you

Hey, Elfine

My little water - vole
My little water - vole

- You'd never sell Feckless
- I do what I like

Who could've tended the poor,
dumb beasty better nor I?

I knows what's in her heart better than I
knows what's in the hearts of some humans

Look at her Be hard to find
a knacker's man who'd take her

And another thing I don't
pay ye wages to collect

chicken feathers and sell 'em
down Beershorn for good money

That weren't I May I never set
hand on plough again if it were

That were rk I say

Do you think you would mind not
talking quite so loudly, please?

Some of us are trying to sleep

Wife, where's Elfine?

Not up yet, I expect, Amos

Godless habit, lyin' abed
of a workin' day

The reekin' fires lie waiting
for them as do

What a family I'm cursed with

You'll fritter and fry
in hell, the lot of you

Meriam passed out this morning

Bless her

Reckon her time's come, Seth?

Robert Poste's child here, innit she?

After your inheritance, Reuben?

Robert Poste's child

Well, some of us has farmin' to do

Rk, time the barren field were
gone over with a prunin'snoot

Reuben, get plowin'
down Nettle Flitch Seth,

you drain the well

There's a neighbor missin'

So you're the little lady from London

with your smart ways?

I know your sort

Drain away a man's blood
soon as look at him

Seth, after you've done the well,

you get scrattlin'
up at Ticklepenny Corner

Come on, Miss Poste
Adam will get you breakfast

Is there any bread and
butter and some tea, Adam?

I don't much care for porridge

Bread and butter in the crocket
Tea in the pot

Now leave me in peace I mun cletter
the dishes, Robert Poste's child

That's a twig What you want is a
nice little mop with a handle

It would get the dishes cleaner
and be so much quicker too

Don't want no mop with a handle
I've clettered dishes

with an old thorn twig nigh on 50 year

And what was good enough then
is good enough now, is it?

Aye

Adam, I've been thinking
about the Starkadders' doom

Why doesn't Cousin Amos just sell this and
buy a farm that doesn't have a curse on it?

In Berkshire or Devon, perhaps Nay

There's always been Starkadders
at Cold Comfort Farm

'Tis impossible for any of
us to dream of leavin'

Mrs Starkadder's set on us stayin' 'Tis
her life the very life in her veins

Cousin Judith, you mean? She
doesn't seem very happy here

No, I mean the old lady,
old Mrs Starkadder

Is she dead? No

No, miss, she's alive right enough

Her hand lies on us like iron,

but she never leaves her room,

never sees no one but Miss Judith

Ain't left the farm these
20 year That be her tray

There she is, my little wennit

- Gracious Who's that?
- That's my cowdlin'

That's Elfine Starkadder

Does she always charge about like that?

She's as wild and shy
as a pharisee of the woods

Days, she's gone wandering the downs

with only the spyin'magpies and
little rabbits for company

No thought for them as loved her
and cowdled her in their bosom

when she were a mommet

How trying I'll take the tray, Adam

No, miss I doubt she
even know you're here

I understand what to do Just
leave it outside her door

No, m

Elfine What do you want?

Cousin Judith's room Be a
lamb and show me the way

It's that way

Do forgive me saying so, but
I'd love to see you in blue

Some shades of green
are good, of course, but

dull greens are very trying,
I always think

Definitely blue You try it and see

Who's that?

It's Urk He's horrible

He's after me again Go away

Who's there?

Good morning I'm so sorry to interrupt
you while you're busy writing letters

Busy? Busy weavin' me
own shroud, be like

You can do what you please round
the farm, Robert Poste's child,

if you don't break in on me loneliness

Give me time and I'll atone for
the wrong my man did your father

Give us all time and we'll atone

I don't suppose you'd care to
tell me what the wrong was

My lips are sealed, Miss Poste

Just as you like, Cousin Judith

Now, can we discuss my keep?
I have a hundred a year

I wouldn't touch a single penny
of Robert Poste's money

While you're here, you're
a guest of Cold Comfort

Every middock will be
paid for by our sweat

While I'm here, might I
make a few changes?

I adore my bedroom, but do you think
I could have my curtains washed?

I believe they're red, but I
should like to make sure

Child, child, it's years
since such trifes

broke across the web of my solitude

Perhaps Meriam could wash them

- Not now Her time has come
- She's in labor? Where?

- Is the doctor there?
- You leave her be

Every year when the sukebind
flowers, it's the same thing

Just the hand of nature
We women can't escape it

Of course we can Who's responsible?

Cursed be the day I brought him forth

and the nourishment
he drew from my bosom

Cursed be the wooing tongue
God gave him

to bring disgrace upon weak females

Right Well, if you'll
excuse me, Cousin Judith,

I have a few things to attend to

Who's there? Are you all right?

It's Miss Poste, from the farm
What do you want?

May I come in?

Come to mock me in my shame, mum?

I thought you were in labor
I heard you cry out

Had it last night
I was just moaning a bit

It's not so bad if you keep your
spirits up and eat hearty aforehand

Is it your first? 'Tis my fourth

And who knows what'll happen again
when the sukebind's out in the hedges

Now look, Meriam, nothing need happen
so long as you use your intelligence

and see it doesn't

Haven't you heard of family planning?
No, mum

You can prevent it All you need's a little
rubber bowler hat to stop it happening again

- The doctor can show you
- What would I look like in a rubber bowler hat?

- You wear it inside, Meriam
- No, mum 'Tis fyin' against nature, that is

Nonsense Nature's
all very well in her place,

but she mustn't be allowed
to make things untidy

Now remember, Meriam, no more
sukebind and summer evenings

without a few preparations beforehand

If you'll wash my bedroom
curtains for me, I'll pay you

That can go towards buying whatever
it is your children have to eat

Mornin', miss

Hello, Mother She wants me
to wash her bedroom curtains

Who's "she"? The cat's mother? You
speak proper to the young lady

Never thought I'd hear anyone wanting
washing done at Cold Comfort

She'll wash 'em for you, miss How is he?

Fine They always does

Well, you needn't sound as
if you wish they wouldn't

Lord knows, none of'em was very
welcome, poor little innocents

Still, now they're here, we might
as well look after 'em right

Come another four years,
I'll start makin' use of'em

How?

Train the four of'em up
for one of them jazz bands

They get six pound a night playin'
up west in the nightclubs

That's why we got to look
after 'em right Yeah

He's gonna be a trombone player
Look at his mouth

A telegram, madam

It must be from Flora

Do read it, Sneller

"Worst fears realized
Seth and Reuben too

Everything needs changing
Send magazines"

Morning Morning

Not so bad now? No

Lunches, dear? We do, but only in August

Not always then You can
have what we're havin'

Got to cook my gentleman's dinner

No, my dear That's Mr
Hawk-Monitor from up the Hall

He's a real gentleman He don't eat here

My gentleman's a Mr Mybug from London
He's a book writer

Not another There he is now

Walks the High Weald all hours, he does
Then comes in covered in mud

Good day, all Nice walk, Mr Mybug?

I have freely wandered the ample
suckling breasts of the welcoming hills

A pint of cider, if you would, Mrs
Murther

Ayoung lady askin' after you

Flora Poste, isn't it?

May I sit down? We met at
the Polswetts in October

Did we, Mr Mybug? Meyerburg
Don't you remember?

Harriet Belmont sat naked on the
grass and played to us on her fute

Actually, the Polswetts said you were down
here I rather hoped I would run into you

Better go up and dry off,
hadn't you, Mr Mybug?

Yes, yes Dear me, I do seem somewhat
soaked in nature's fecund blessing

I shall see you in a very few
moments, my dear Miss Poste

But let me warn you
I'm a queer, moody brute,

but there's rich soil in here
if you care to dig for it

Mrs Murther, I think I'll do without
lunch today after all All right, dear

Good - bye

Hello

I thought I'd introduce
the custom of afternoon tea

Do you take milk?

I scranletted 200 furrow
come 3:00 down in the bute

Did you? Aye

Did too

All the way from Ticklepenny
Corner to Nettle Flitch

Could you 'a' done that?

No, indeed I certainly couldn't, Reuben

But then, you see, I shouldn't want to

Take the farm, pay hired men, I'd wager

Waste all the takings No, I wouldn't

I wouldn't care if Ticklepenny
Corner wasn't scranletted at all

I'd let you do it instead Let? Let

That's a fine word to use to a man

that's nursed this farm
like a sick mommet,

knows every inch of soil and
patch of sukebind in the place

Let's get it straight, Reuben
I don't want the farm

I'm the last person in the world to
be any good at scranletting Really

I prefer to leave it to people
who know all about it Like you

What's that you're makin'?
A bath towel, Seth

Would you like some tea?

You women are all alike

Fussin'over your fal - de -
lals to bedaze a man's eyes?

And what you really want is his blood,

his pride and the heart out ofhis body

- Really?
- Aye

And then when you got him, bound up in
your fal-de-lals and your softness

and he can't move 'cause of the longin' that
cries in his blood, what do you do then?

I'm afraid I don't know, Seth

Would you mind passing me that
reel of cotton on the dresser?

This what you're after?

Thank you

You eats him

Same as a hen spider eats a cock spider

But I don't let no women eat me

I eats them instead

You don't understand what I'm
sayin', do you, little innocent?

Yes, and I think it's dreadful

What do you do in the evenings, Seth?
When you're not eating people

- Go over Beershorn to the talkies
- You like the talkies?

Better than anything in the whole world

Seventy-four photos of Lottie Funchal

Forty ofJennie Carroll

Fifty - five, Laura Valley

All signed ones
That's where I'm goin' now

D'you want to come?
They're showin' 'Street Sinners'

I saw it in London, actually
Thank you, Seth You'll enjoy it

Women

You'll be glad to know my campaign
for tidying up Cold Comfort Farm

is going rather well

"I've already begun
to soften the dour Reuben,

and I think I've discovered the real
nature of Seth's grand passion"

"I've started teaching the hired
girl the precautionary arts"

Very good "All part of my mission"

"to drag them into the modern world,

"and I'm also getting
my bedroom curtains washed,

"but I still have to meet Aunt Ada Doom,

"and I have no idea what
wrong was done to Papa

Please send this month's Vogue"

From the stubborn interwoven
strata of his unconscious,

thought seeped up into his dim

conscious,

not as an integral part
of that consciousness,

but rather as an impalpable emanation

from the unsleeping life of the
nature that surrounded him

The golden orb

The golden orb

Dear

Amos

Where you going? Preachin' At Beershorn

At the Church of the Quiverin' Brethren

They'll all burn in hell, and
someone's gotta tell them so

May I come with you? Think you'll
escape from the fires of hell

if you come along with me
and bow down and quiver?

'Tis too late, young lady
You'll burn with the rest

Well, I should like to see it, even so

Why are they called "Quivering Brethren"?

Why? Because they quiver when
they prepare for torment

Do you prepare your sermons
beforehand or does it just come?

Word is never prepared It falls
on me mind like manna from heaven

Really? How interesting

Then you have no idea what you're
going to say before you get there?

Aye I always know it'll
be summat about burnin'

And does anyone else preach,
or are you the only one?

Only me

Deborah Checkbottom, she tried onceways
to get up and preach, but she couldn't

The Lord weren't in her

Whate'er shall we do O Lord

When Gabriel blows o'er sea and river

Fen and desert mount and ford

The earth will burn but we will quiver

Whatever shall we do O Lord

When crops do fail and blossoms wither

God's great wrath be not ignored

The earth may fail but we will quiver

Amen

Ye miserable, crawlin'worms

- Are ye here again then?
- Aye

Have ye come like Nimshi,
son of Rehoboam,

secretly out of your doomed houses,

to hear what's comin' to ye?

Aye Have ye come, old and young,

sick and well, matrons and virgins

If there be any virgins amongst
you, which is not likely,

the world being in the
wicked state that it is

Aye Have ye come to hear me tell ye

of the great crimson,
licking fames of hell fire?

Aye Aye

You've come, dozens of ye,

like rats to the granary, like field
mice when there's harvest home

And what good will it do ye?

You're all damned

Damned

Do you ever stop to think
what that word means?

No-o-o-o No, you don't It means

endless, horrifying torment

It means your poor, sinful bodies
stretched out on red-hot gridirons

in the nethermost fiery pit of hell

and those demons mocking ye while
they waves cooling jellies

in front of ye

You know what it's like
when you burn your hand

takin' a cake out of the oven

or lighting one of them
Godless cigarettes?

And it stings with a fearful pain Aye?

And you run to clap a bit of butter
on it to take the pain away, aye?

Aye Well, I'll tell ye

- There'll be no butter in hell
- No

And your body will be burnin'and
stingin' with that terrible pain

And your blackened tongue will
be stickin' out of your mouth,

and your parched lips
will be cryin'out for

Cakes and an orange with sugar on it
Thank you

Miss Poste May I join you?

Mr Mybug I suppose so Meyerburg

I'll have what she's having, please
Very well, sir

I do love eating with a spoon, don't you?

Now, Miss Poste, perhaps you can help me
on a matter that's been troubling me

Do you believe that women have souls?

I'm afraid I'm not very interested
Quite

I do so agree Bodies matter so much
more than souls, don't you think?

Or are you, alas, like so many young Englishwomen,
a prisoner of outdated inhibitions?

Do you know what DH Lawrence said?
I do, actually, yes

He said there must always be a dark,
dumb, bitter belly tension

between the living man
and the living woman

Mr Mybug, do tell me about
the book you're writing

Excuse me, sir Well Thank you

Thank you, sir I intend to prove

that Branwell Bronte
wrote Wuthering Heights

and 'Jane Eyre' and
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

A work of fiction, is it?

Yes, well, that's enough about me Tell me,
Miss Poste, do you care about walking?

What about it? I thought we might
take some nature walks together,

go on discussing
art and literature like this

But I'd better warn you
I'm pretty susceptible

Well, then, perhaps we should postpone
the walks until the weather's finer

It would be too bad if your book was
held up because you'd caught a cold

I'm talking about sex, Miss Poste Yes
You see, I believe in utter frankness

about sexual things

Aye, ye fornicators Fornicators

No, I assure you, Miss Poste
and I are just old friends

- We met in London
- Aye, the devil's city

The stinkin' pit of whoredom
Come on, young lady

It's back to Cold Comfort for you

Ye'll fritter and fry Ye didn't
even stay to hear the Lord's Word

I was overwhelmed, Cousin
You're such a powerful preacher

Aye, the Word burns in me mouth,

and I must blow it on the
whole world like fames

You ought to do it more widely, Cousin Amos
What do ye mean?

You shouldn't waste it on a few
miserable sinners in Beershorn

You could go round the country in a
Ford van preaching on market days

'Twould be exalting myself
and puffin' myself up

if I went around in one of they vans

Thinkin' of my glory
'stead of the Lord's

You could save thousands of souls
That's how I'd look at it

if I were going round the
country in a Ford van

What kind of Ford van?

Has she been askin' about me, Robert
Poste's child? What does she want?

She's been here more than a week She
keeps askin' to see you, Mother

Couldn't you come down
just once and talk to her?

You know I never come down except for the
countin', not after what happened to me

She's Robert Poste's child
She has her rights

Saw something nasty in the woodshed

I never spoke of it, not even to Mama

But I've always remembered it every day
of my life It's made me the way I am

Yes, Mother It's the
farm she wants, isn't it?

She's your sister's grandchild
She's owed She's owed nothin:

She should never have come here She's
playin' her wiles on all of you

I've watched her Reuben, Seth, now Amos

I'm not havin' it, girl There've
always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm At Cold Comfort Farm
Yes, Mother, don't upset yourself

Starkadders Always were, always will be

Tell her, girl Tell her Hear what I said?
Starkadders

Adam, you're not using that nice dish
mop I bought you for the clettering

Nay I'd never put that pretty
in gurt-greasy washing-up water

I mun do that with thorn twigs
They'll serve

'Tis prettier than apple
bloom, my little mop

Is something wrong, Adam?

'Tis my little wennit
What's the matter with her?

She's always peerin' through
the windows up Howchiker Hall

to get a sight of that young
chuck-stubbard Master Richard

Dick Hawk-Monitor? Arr Blast him

for a setup yearlin' of a womanizer

I hear he's nice enough

You knows the ways of gentry

Him the young squire and her just
a little wennit out of nature

Indeed I do know the ways of gentry

I'm sure he means no harm

The problem is, Elfine's
not quite the sort gentry marry

'Tis what I mean Leave it to me, Adam
I'll talk to her

Poor little wennit

Sister Sun and Brother Wind,

dancin' through the woodland trees,

this little ode to you I sing

and whisper it upon the breeze

Really, Elfine, don't you think
you sometimes overdo it a bit?

Overdo what? This will-o'-the-wisp thing

Who encouraged you to be like that?

Miss Ashford from the Arts and
Crafts Shop in Beershorn

She was so kind to me
She taught me such a lot:

How to dress, how to speak beautifully

And she had such lovely things

And she made you read poetry

Write it, too, probably Yes I'm going
to publish a volume when I'm 50

And that's why you have to be
alone on the hillsides, is it?

Yes It's where I can be
with my poetry and my dreams

Anyway, I can't stand the
farm another minute Why not?

Urk, of course He's horrible

He's always in the tree outside
my window, spying on me

Grandma Doom says I'm promised
to marry him when I'm 18

No Why? Because he's a Starkadder

And there have always been
Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm

But there's someone else, isn't there?

How did you know? There always is

Dick Hawk-Monitor at the Hall? Yes?

Are you engaged to him? Engaged? No

No, it's It's too binding

Don't you think it's horrible
to bind someone down?

I see So he doesn't want to marry you

I think he does sometimes,

but he's got this London
cousin called Pamela

It's his 21st birthday party next month
They're bound to get engaged then

Next month? Well, then,
it's quite simple

You must go to this party
and win him over

I can't go to the party Grandma Doom
doesn't let us accept invitations

Only to funerals and
the churchin' of women

Look There he is Isn't he fine?

Yes He should suit you very nicely

Would you like me to help you?

Reuben Miss Poste

Goin' to church again
with the old devil? No

I was advising Cousin Amos to address
his sermons to a wider audience

Wants to frighten the birds
off the trees, does he?

Think about it, Reuben
If he were away preaching,

someone else would need
to take charge of the farm

And so I'll have to one day,
when the old devil dies

But he talks of leaving it to Adam

Wouldn't it be better if whoever took
charge got a real grip on things

so when Cousin Amos came back, he could
see it ought to be left to that person?

I get it Meaning you

No, Reuben, I've told you before, I
don't want the farm Meanin'who, then?

Meaning you, Reuben

Who, me? Aye, thee

'Tis impossible

Aunt Ada'll never let him go

If anyone talks o' leavin',
she has an attack

She's ill How does it show?

Has to know everythin' as goes on

Has to see the milk book,
chicken book, cow book

We keeps back the books,
she has an attack

We ask for pocket money,
she has an attack

Anyone wants to wed, she has an attack

Anyone want to leave Cold Comfort

She ain't like
other people's grandmothers

She's mad, and that's all

I see Well, just because
Aunt Ada is mad,

that's no reason why you shouldn't
persuade Amos to go on his preaching tour

Dang me if it don't

Aunt Ada, isn't it time we talked?

I saw something nasty
Saw something nasty

Aunt Ada Something
nasty in the woodshed

Go away, girl

How long have you been
in there, Aunt Ada?

Ever since myJudith married Amos

Isn't it lonely? Lonely?

I saw something nasty in the woodshed
Did you? What?

I don't remember anymore I was little

Something terrible

And it was in the woodshed? Are you sure?

Course I'm sure

Or maybe the potting shed
Or the bicycle shed

Or the tool shed

All these years,
getting five good meals a day,

running the farm, ruling the
roost, everyone doing

exactly as you say and sacrificing
their lives to yours?

That's not bad, is it, just for seeing
something nasty in the woodshed?

Everything depends on me

Does it?

The bull's out

- Big Business?
- Is that bad?

That's terrible Someone'll get hurt
Urk, get the bull fork

Adam, come on Bull's out Where's Seth?

Dang Seth Come on All right

Somethin' to do with you, isn't it?
Why me, Urk?

I know you're tryin' to take
Elfine away from me She's mine

She were promised me the day she was born
You heed what I say

Urk When the water-voles mate
this summer, she be mine

Better hurry, Urk The bull's out

Come on

No, boy Come on, boy

Elfine

Voila No, no Low here?

That's lovely Yes, that's it

You happy, darling?
Yes, I think that's sweet

Right here

Round neck, I think

Yes, I think a small train
And then somewhere here,

we're needing a bit of uplift, I think

Here we have a prime example of Ecole de
Paris painting He's also very keen

on the whole calligraphic effect of his
painting, the very linear quality of it

Always with his work, you find

Flora, what do you think?
No, please, look at this

Higher Common Sense
Very good Very clever

Especially the introduction

That's for you Thank you

I think she's charming
Wait 'til we've finished

Do you like your new dress, Elfine?
It's heavenly

It's white satin, straight lines
Better than poetry?

Do explain to her about poetry, Mary

Do I gather that you love poetry and
think that if you talk about it

to a young man like Dick
Hawk-Monitor, he'll be pleased?

- Everybody loves poetry
- - Most decent young men are totally alarmed

when they hear that a girl
reads it, let alone writes it

Tell her, Charles Dick Hawk -
Monitor's a perfectly nice chap

- You know him?
- Of course And his mother Rather well, actually

But poetry and Dick

No, quite frankly In fact,
when poetry's combined

with ill-groomed hair and eccentric
dress, it's generally fatal

You're very lucky, Elfine He
must have seen your finer points

I shall write it secretly then
Quite right

It's bad to be dewy-eyed among smart people,
but you can always secretly despise them

You see, Elfine, we tell you these things so
you'll have some standards inside yourself,

now you're going to meet
a new kind of life

Everything arranged, Charles? Absolutely

- What's arranged?
- Never mind

Charles is going to help I said I might

Who's this man Mybug?

Just a strange Lawrentian person
who says he's in love with me

Jealous, Charles?

Good Enjoying yourself, Elfine?

It's going to be such fun
No, it's going to be

"amusing" or "diverting,"
not "such fun," darling

Hi there, Flora Poste

Mr Neck Hello Back on
one of your London trips?

Yeah, I few into the Savoy this morning

This is Earl P Neck, the Hollywood movie
czar We met at the Paris Film Club

My friend Mary Smiling

- Mary
- Elfine

Elfine

Charles Charles

Won't you join us? Thank you, thank you

Tell me, Mr Neck,

what exactly does a czar do?

What do I do?

Imagine the night sky What do you see?

- Clouds?
- You see stars

And what you see up there,
I spot down here

I take ordinary people,
and I turn 'em into asteroids

Flora does the same This is her latest

She's wonderful And so are you, Miss Poste
You care to rumba?

Smythe-Forsythes h -

Smith-Jones, Clyde-Forresters

Miss Gertrude Forster Those
unfortunate Field-Morrisons

And I've invited Pamela's parents

Just in case there's a
double celebration Mother

Flora, I feel sick You can't feel sick
Everything's arranged

Is Urk out the way? Saw him
down Ticklepenny Corner,

talkin' to the water-voles

I say, this is all
awfully Gothic, isn't it?

You do look extremely nice,
Flora The dress is charming

And as for your protege, she's quite
beautiful Don't chatter, Charles

Just drive quietly off

I say

Roger How lovely to see you

My dear, what a beautiful dress
Have a lovely time

James How lovely to see you
Hello, Jane How are you?

Have fun Charles
All the way from London

You didn't travel up with Pamela, by any
chance Afraid not, Mrs Hawk-Monitor

May I introduce Flora Poste?
She's staying locally, actually

What a shame, Miss Poste We haven't seen
anything of you Where are you staying?

I'm just staying a few miles up the road
with relatives It's my first evening out

Well, have a lovely evening
Thanks very much

All right, thank you Good evening
Who's that?

Elfine You look incredible

Is it working? I should say so

I must go downstairs Mother

You're mistaken 'Tis not the first of
May nor the seventeenth of October

You bide here I tell you
I must go downstairs

I must have you all round me I must
have all the Starkadders round me

To see if anyone's missing
Nobody's missing, Mother

Get me my liberty bodice, girl
And the elastic-sided boots

I hope you're not feeling neglected, Seth
No, I aren't

London girls Them told me I was
absolutely body - thrillin:

So you are, Seth They're all the same

Only want your blood, your breath,
the very heart of your thoughts

I ain't got no time for that
What have you got time for, Seth?

Movies There was a dance just
like this in 'Criminal Lusts'

Shall we try it then?

Miss Poste Miss Poste

I love you Miss Poste

You do enjoy yourself, don't you?

I try to bring people round
to the higher common sense

I shouldn't let you do that to me
Think of all the good I do

Elfine's the belle of the ball
Dick has the girl he wants

Seth's enjoying himself teasing
all the London debutantes

And you're having a lovely time with me

Take your disgusting
bourgeois hands off me

Miss Poste Miss Poste
Tell them who I am

- He's Mr Mybug, a famous writer
- I'm sorry, miss

This is a private party Come on, sir
Miss Poste Miss Poste

I'm engorgingly in love with you

I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him

Never mind We're all
purified by suffering

He's so obnoxious I haven't the heart to
tell him that's why I won't let him kiss me

He thinks I'm inhibited I'm not, of course
I'm not obnoxious

No, Charles Exactly Speech Speech

Speech

Ladies and gentlemen, friends,

Lord Lieutenant,

I'm really glad you
could all come to my 21st

Mama hasn't thrown a bash for me like this
since I was wearing a christening dress

- Anyway, this has been a particularly fine evening
- - Hear, hear

No, I mean for me

Because, well, I've
something to tell you all

Miss Elfine Starkadder and I
have just become engaged

- Elfine?
-

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

And so say all of us And so say all of us

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

It was wonderful, Flora The
happiest night of my life

Yes, a brilliant evening, Flora
Congratulations, Elfine

Just better hope Grandma
don't stop it now?

I thought you told me
they'd all be in bed

It's Grandma She's come downstairs

I reckon she's holding a countin'
What counting?

We a rum lot, us Starkadders
Some of us goes barmy

Some of us dies in childhood Some
of us pushes others down wells

So once a year, Grandma holds a little
gatherin' called the countin'

She must be doin'it
early for some reason

Charles, thank you

Come back to London with me No, Charles

It's not finished yet

I say, Flora

When am I going to get a look in?

'Twas a burnin'noonday 69 year ago,

and me no bigger than a titty wren

And I saw something nasty

in the woodshed In the woodshed

You're all wicked and cruel I
know you all want to go away

and leave me with what I saw

But there've always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm
At Cold Comfort Farm

And you'll never go, none of you

Well, well, the gang's
all here, isn't it?

I don't suppose there are any sandwiches

Who's that there then?
It's Robert Poste's child

Come and meet your Aunt Ada Doom

How do you do, Aunt Ada?

Look who's come to see you, Mother
It's Flora Poste

I saw something nasty in the woodshed

There've always been Starkadders at Cold
Comfort Farm At Cold Comfort Farm

You'll stay here, all of you

Amos and Judith, Seth and
Reuben, Urk and Elfine

- And Rennet
- Who's Rennet?

The one who looks as if she just jumped in the
well She's a kind of third cousin, we think

It's time to hold the countin'

Where's my Seth?

Here I be

- I'll never leave you, Grandma
- Aye, you're my mommet, my pippet

The Lord sees your lascivious glances

But how grand he is tonight And Elfine

Dressed up like a proper little lady

What's all this? What you been doin', boy?
Tell your granny

He's been to a dance at the
Hawk-Monitors So have I

So has Elfine And what's more, Aunt Ada,

Elfine and Richard Hawk-Monitor are
engaged to be married a month from now

- No My little water-vole My little water-vole
- Hey Hey Hey

She b'ain't worth it She b'ain't
worth nothin' I'll go mad

Elfine was promised to Urk
when she was born

Amos, you're the man here
Tell them what their duty is

I've got somethin' to say, Mother

I been wrestlin' and prayin'
and broodin' over it,

and I know the Lord's truth at last

I mun go abroad in one of they Ford vans,

preachin' all over the countryside

Aye, like the apostles of old

I've heard my call, and I mun follow it

No, you don't No one can leave me

I shall go mad and die alone in the
woodshed with nasty things pressin' on me

She'll go mad You strike and
torment me all you want

I hear the glad voices
of the angels callin' me

over the ploughed fields,

and the little seedlings is
clapping their hands in prayer

'Tis good-bye to ye all

I've broken your chains at last, Mother,

with the help of the angels
and the Lord's Word

Where's me hat?

No, Amos What shall become of us?

The Lord will provide

Or not, according to His whim

I'll send you a card
from where I'm going

I shall go mad, Amos I promise you

I'm sorry, Mother The Lord's will

We're doomed

Urk, Elfine's yours Promised
the day she was born

You take her back, boy

Urk, she just b'ain't worth it
No, she b'ain't

'Ave me instead Don't you have him,
ducky, 'less you feels like it

I can always make him wash
a bit, if I feels like it

Urk Come on, me beauty

- Dirt as ye are, we'll sink into the mire together
- Urk, wait Don't you go too

I shall go mad, I tell you

I expect there'll be another little
Beetle soon, now the sukebind's fowerin'

Amos gone, Urk gone

I'm all alone All alone in the woodshed

And who took them away?

It was you, wasn't it?

You chit You scheming brat

It was you, Robert Poste's child

You poured poison into their ears

Come on Sit down Come on

They're all gone,

and I saw something nasty
in the woodshed

Don't worry, Grandma I'm still here

You'll break our hearts, too,
you Libertine I know it

Come along, Miss Poste
'Tis time you were in bed

Thank you, Reuben You're an utter lamb

You got the old devil out o' the way

Farm'll be mine now, won't it?

I don't forget, Miss Poste
Yes, of course, Reuben

Good night

Mr Neck Mr Neck

Mr Neck

Is the, House of Usher open?
May I come in?

Mr Neck, how wonderful to see you
I'll come down

Well, Mr Neck,
Mary said in her last letter

that you were still looking
for English film stars

Sure am, but I don't want sissies
Sissies give me a pain in the neck

They're starting to give the goddamn
American public a pain in the neck too

Believe me, it's red meat time in movies

Well, there's plenty of red meat
at Cold Comfort Farm

You mean someone like TeckJones?
Yeah Teck's a good kid

He can ride all right,
but he's got no body urge

I want a man to fetch the women

Some big, husky guy that
smells of the great outdoors

A guy who can live and love
and still handle a plough

You mean like Slake Fountain?

Sure, but it takes 20 guys to pull a
bottle off him before he gets on set

That's it Hold it there
Who are you, son?

Seth, there you are This is
my cousin Seth Starkadder

He's very interested in the talkies
Mr Neck is a film producer

Seth Starkadder Hit
'em right with it?

So you're a fan, sweetheart?

You and me should get acquainted?

Maybe you've thought of being in the
movies yourself What if I have?

He's got the fesh He's got
the burr in his voice

And he can plow and mollock

I got the what? You just
got the big offer, son

How would you like to be in
the movies, Seth Starkadder?

I'd like it more than
anything else in the world

Ain't that dandy He wants to be a
movie star, and I wanna make him one

Seth, no You can't leave your mother

You mustn't go I knew it

I knew it would come to this
Got to go, Mother

It's what I were always made for

God, he's terrific

Gee, ma'am, I know it's raw, I know it's
tough, but that's life, sweetheart

Go on, get your coat, boy
Time to be off

We take the Transatlantic
Clipper in the morning

You can't do this to me
You can't leave your mother

There's a spring onion harvest

'Tis man's work Seth, no

I'm a dead woman

I'd take her, too, but she's gloomy

Look, Mama, he'll be fine
I got the perfect part

Seth Starkadder in 'Small Town Cowboy'

He'll send you five grand from the
movie, and you'll be mama to a star

Good-bye, Mr Neck I'm sure we'll meet
again in London I look forward to it

And thanks for the boy
He's quite a find

Mother Mother Come on down

Mother, he's taking my Seth

No Seth

Mercy It's Great - Aunt Ada

Seth You'd better hurry and go

Don't leave me No I forbid it

I saw something nasty in the woodshed

Sure, you did, but did it see you, baby?

Come on, Seth Hollywood's waiting

Seth

Seth, you can't leave us

- You mustn't go
- Good - bye, Mother

Seth

Seth

Seth Seth

I'm a dead woman

Drive a plough

Or milk a cow

I can reap and mow

I'm as fresh as a daisy

That grows in the field

And they calls I

Buttercup Joe

Yeah, well,

place looks a lot better, Miss Poste?

Much better, Reuben I knew you
were the one to take charge

Yeah Should please the old
devil when he comes back?

I don't think he is coming back
I had a card today

"Praise the Lord I go to spread the
Word among the heathen Americans

"with the Reverend Elderberry
Shiftglass of Chicago

Tell Reuben he can have the old place
Amos Starkadder"

Have the place? What, it's mine?

One day When the old lady

Cousin Flora, 'twere a good day
when ye came to Cold Comfort

Here,

I don't suppose you'd marry me?

Reuben, that is nice of you

I mean it, Miss Poste
I like your pretty ways

I like yours, too, but I'm
afraid it would never do

I'm not at all the sort of person
to make a good farmer's wife

And there's enough marriage just now
with Elfine's wedding coming up

She all right up at the Hall? She
loves it, and they love her

They ought to have the wedding
feast here at Cold Comfort,

now you've made it so nice

You'll have to ask Aunt Ada

Yes, I suppose I will
But you wouldn't mind?

No, not at all No

That were a no, by the way, were it?

Yes, it were no You'll find someone

What about Rennet?

No one in their right mind
would marry Rennet

But I'll find someone

Aunt Ada? I've brought your lunch
May I come in?

Who's there? It's Flora,
Robert Poste's child

I don't know if there's
enough money for Yeah

Dang me

What's going on? No supper?

I didn't like to make
supper, Master Reuben

Miss Poste went to see the old lady
at noon and hasn't come back down

They been talkin' all day

Maybe I ought to take up some sandwiches
and cocoa No, no, Mrs Beetle

Better let 'em be Miss Poste
knows what she's doin'

Something terrible'll come of it

What's happened? Is she
all right, the old lady?

She's absolutely fine
I've just put her to bed

What?

How's that, Miss Poste? Pretty, isn't it?
Lovely, Urk

Could you fetch the men? I want to
set up the tables for the feast

One for the farmers, one for the county

Give us your toes

That's it

Come on, Rennet, stir that dough

Don't want 'em eating their wedding
breakfast a week after the nuptials, do we?

Who would've thought it?
My little wennet

The seed to the fower, the fower to
the fruit, the fruit to the belly

Urk, Grandma Doom's chair, could
you find it and put it out for me?

She only uses that for the countin'
Just find it, please

Rennet, here's a hat
for you to wear to the church

Cousin Flora, do you mind?

I ain't used to them collars
No, of course, Reuben

Sit down

Hello

Rest in peace, husband mine

Your loving wife won't be far behind

Here lies my darling George

Whatever shall I do without you
come the harvest?

Cousin Judith, I'd like you to meet Dr
Adolf Mudel from Vienna

Leave me to me fate,
Robert Poste's child

It's a very great pleasure to
meet you, Mrs Starkadder

I have heard something of
you from Fraulein Poste

You must leave me be I'm a dead woman

Now she's safely gathered in,
delivered from this life of sin

Yes Well, never mind that now

Pouring with rain when your father
and I got married I must go in

Yes Good luck

Hello

Freddie, I wanted to speak to
you about those cathedral

It is Thank goodness

Yesterday Hey

Miss Poste

What a marvelous day for a wedding

Dr Mudel, this is Mr Mybug Mybug

Dr Mudel, yes I know you
by reputation, of course

We've never actually met I did
attend one of your lectures once

"The Mind At War With Itself" So

Weren't you there, too, Miss Poste?
Yes, indeed, Mr Mybug

Dr Mudel, could I ask you to accompany
Cousin Judith into the church?

It will be my pleasure

Tell me, do you like old churches?

Mr Mybug, would you excuse me?

I've spotted someone
I simply must talk to

Flowers

Stop it

Reuben Do hurry up, Elfine

They're all waiting You look gorgeous

Flora, do I look nice?

Don't be nervous

Reuben, mind me dress

My little wennet

Adam

Absolutely fascinating

How kind I don't usually

I must say you're looking
splendid, Mrs Beetle

Vicar, thank you

Tell me, my dear,

you can settle a question
that's been puzzling me

Do you believe that women have souls?

A wedding present for ye, maidy

A gift for my own wild marsh tigget

Adam, how sweet of you

Put it in thy bosom It'll
make ye bear four children

That it will You'll see

I must thank you, Miss Poste

Dr Mudel has asked me to stay with
him at his nursing home in London

He says I can stay with him for six months
and talk to him, play some chess if I like

It's my energy, you see
It turns in instead of out

He's going to turn it out for me

Grandmama?

- Aye, 'tis her
- All dressed up to go out

'Tis flying against nature

- Look at her
- Well, I never Granny

She must've seen some'at
nasty in the woodshed

Welcome to Cold Comfort Farm

- There's always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm
- -Aye

But it's been some time since
we've had a wedding here

I must admit that Elfine's wedding has
not turned out quite as I'd planned,

but I've never seen her looking
lovelier or more radiant

So

So I give it my blessing

My great-niece Flora
has told me something very wise

What a pleasant life

How'd you put it, dear?

What a pleasant life
might be had in this world

by a handsome, sensible
old lady of good fortune,

blessed with a sound
constitution and a firm will

- Jane Austen Jane Austen
- Aye

So I'm taking her advice

and leaving for Paris in a few moments

Paris?

Good-bye, dear

- God bless you, mum
- Thank you very much Thank you

Now, remember, when you get to
Nice, ask for the Hotel Miramar

I will, my dear I shall
do exactly as you advised

You won't find me plucking
my eyebrows, nor dieting

Nor doting on a boy of 25

There is just one thing,
Aunt Ada, before you go

What was the wrong Amos did my father?
And what are my rights?

Well Yes, my dear? Aunt Ada

Adam wants to come to Hautecouture
Hall with us and look after our cows

Do you mind?

Who will care for Feckless,
Aimless, Graceless and Pointless?

Adam, you wouldn't desert them?

Never, ma'am Take 'em with me

There's room for all at "Howchiker" Hall

Well, you may take 'em
if you want to, Adam

Bless ye, Miss Starkadder
You'me a good 'un after all

And bless ye, Robert Poste's child

You'me lifted the doom from Cold Comfort

- Three cheers for Aunt Ada Hip-hip
- Hooray

- Hip-hip
- Hooray

Hip - hip Hooray

It was the loveliest time of
the loveliest day of the year

The ermine fowers and silky leaves

and satin leaves

dazzled against an azure sky

The gauze - like shadows crept in

stealthily

The dreaming birds
began their sleep song

Golden orb

The golden orb

The golden orb

Charles, you do have heavenly teeth

Come on

Here, clap that

This is forever, isn't it? Yes, forever

Now, is it all over, my darling?
Yes, Charles

I did it all Very clever
What about the novel?

To be perfectly honest,

I don't really think
I'm cut out to be a novelist

You know, I never did approve of you
interfering in other people's lives

So I shan't be allowed to
interfere in yours? No

Of course, you can share it, Flora
In fact, I very much hope you will

Charles, I love you What?

I love you

Good-bye

Flora