Original subtitles

I saw...

something nasty in the woodshed

Help Help Help

I've always found your choice of hobby, madam, quite unique

Yes What do you think, Sneller?

Not really my department, madam

Venus design Waber Brothers, 1918

Famed corsetiers to the gentry And if you look carefully,

you'll see it's got only two elastic panels in front instead of the usual three

So it has, madam

It's Miss Poste Poor thing Go and let her in

Sneller, how are you? Very well, miss

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents Thank you, Sneller

Do you have one and six for the driver? I'll see to it, miss

Flora, darling, was the funeral too awful?

Horrid Though I'm bound to say

all the London relatives seemed to enjoy it no end

Did any of them ask you to go and live with them? I meant to warn you

Relatives at funerals always do that Not me

I've only a hundred pounds a year, and I can't play bridge

And I was never very close to my parents

Of course you can stay here as long as you like, darling,

but you'll probably want to take up some kind of work sometime:

Earn enough for a fat of your own

What kind of work?

It's ages since I did any, but there must be something that would suit you

Bookkeeping, beekeeping I can't do that, Mary

Really Now, Flora, don't be feeble

You know you'd be miserable if you haven't a job and all your friends have

Besides, a hundred pounds a year Hardly keep you in stockings and fans

Thank you, Sneller Battenburg My favorite

You must have some ambition

I do I want to be a writer

When I'm 53, I mean to write a novel

as good as Persuasion, but with a modern setting

Well, how will you spend the next 30 years? Living life

Collecting material Surely no one can object to that

I have such a lot in common with Jane Austen Neither of us could endure a mess

What will you live on or off?

Relatives I'm peculiarly rich in them

They haven't asked you The London ones haven't,

but there are plenty more all over the country

I'll send off some piteous letters tomorrow What shall we do tonight?

Are any of your admirers back from their jungles?

You must see the New River club It's ever so smart and select Sneller,

are any of the men home?

I believe Mr Fairford and Mr Biscuit Bikki

Charles Fairford? He's a relative, a sort of second cousin

Telephone, madam

Belgravia

2211

How was Kenya, Bikki? I've heard awful things about it

It's all true

More bubbly? Just pour it, Bikki

Mary says you want to live with relatives

You shouldn't have said, Mary He might think I want to go and live with him

and was angling for an invitation

You'd be very welcome Mother would love it if you did

What do you do, Charles?

Embryo parson, actually Well, that really makes it awkward

Anyway, you're not enough of a challenge I like to organize things and tidy up

You seem tidy already

Besides, I want to learn about real life

What for? To put it in books

I see

How about it, Mary?

I think Bikki wants to dance

What about that game of golf?

I say

You ever think of getting married?

I believe in arranged marriages, don't you? Rather out of date

Not at all I've always liked the phrase "A marriage has been arranged"

When I feel like it, I'll arrange one

If you get bored, wherever you are, phone

I'll come and rescue you in my plane

Have you a plane, Charles? Belisha Bat called 'Speed Cop Two'

Are you sure an embryo parson should have a plane?

Everyone should have a plane Really, Charles

Post, Miss Poste

There you are They've all answered Now you'll be sorry

Well, wait now I'll have to see what they have to say

Then I'll make my choice Well, go on then

"My dear Niece, Such a sad loss"

But we must all keep a stiff upper lip

You'd be most welcome here

The Worthing air is bracing, and dear Rosedale is always

"Full of the happiest of boarders

You'll find a true home atmosphere and plenty of fun"

And cousin Peggy, now Arkela of her own troop,

would love to share her bedroom with you

"Your loving aunt Gwen"

Share I couldn't

I was shocked by your letter

So shocked, my old trouble is back

I am very willing to shelter your wee girlhood under my roof,

but I fear you could find it dull

with no company save my poor chairbound self,

my man Hoots

And my housekeeper, now totally deaf

"Still, there is marvelous bird life to be found in the marshes

that surround my ruin on all sides"

"I must end now,

"as my old trouble is returning

"Your loving uncle McKnag" No, Flora No

I've expected to hear from Robert Poste's child these 20 years

Child, my man once did your father a great wrong

If you'll come here, I'll do my best to atone

But never ask what for My lips are sealed

"We're not like other folk maybe, but there have always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm"

Will you stop it? "And we will do our best to welcome Robert Poste's child"

Child, child,

if you come to this doomed house,

what is there to save you?

"Your cousin, Judith Starkadder"

Judith Starkadder? The daughter of my great-aunt, Ada Doom

Whom Mother couldn't abide

It sounds appalling

Interesting and appalling The others just sound appalling

Flora I'm willing to bet

there are also cousins called "Seth" and "Reuben"

- Why? - Highly sexed young men living on farms

are always called "Seth" or "Reuben"

Really I mean, there probably isn't even a bathroom

It is Sussex, for goodness' sake

Well, if you've really made up your mind to go, you'd better You'll soon tire of it anyhow

I think I will go

I'm very keen to know what Cousin Judith means by my "rights"

You have to change trains four times and get out somewhere called Beershorn Halt

Don't worry, Mary There'll be plenty of material for my novel

and perhaps one or two family messes I can clear up

Something to take to the country

Flowers come from the country, Charles

It's very kind of you

May I come with you to the station?

Please do I like to go off in style

Good-bye, my dove

I shall expect regular letters from you letting us know of your progress

I can send you things What things?

Proper clothes, cheerful fashion papers

You'll need them You've never lived in the country

I'm sure I'll find it very amusing

Mind you, wire if you want any gum boots or anything

It was winter,

the grimmest hour of the darkest day of the year

No

Really

The golden orb had almost disappeared

behind the interlacing fingers of the hawthorn

Adam Lambsbreath

Steady, Graceless

Come on, Feckless Fill 'un up

Adam? There you are

How many pails today? Dunno know how many, Miss Judith 'Tis hard to tell

If Pointless got over her indigestion, maybe four If not, maybe three

Get out of there, Seth, you no - good son of mine

Good day, Mother Do you want to break my heart?

- That's right - Libertine Who's that up there?

Just lookin' for eggs, Miss Judith

Get back to the vicarage, Violet

And another thing, Adam

You'll have to take the trap down to Beershorn Halt Meet the train

Robert Poste's child's comin' today After the farm, is she?

Mun I, Miss Judith?

Can't Seth go instead of me?

How can I look in her little fower face knowing what I knows?

You remember what happened when he went to meet the new kitchen maid

No You go, Adam

Don't know how many times I feared this day would come

How will I know the little maidy?

Who else is gonna get off at Beershorn Halt?

A man's huge body, rude as a wind-tortured thorn,

was printed dark against the fame of sun that

That throbbed that throbbed on the tip of Mockuncle Hill

- The golden orb - Beershorn

Gh How revolting

Don't you know this trap's filthy?

Are ye the little maidy, Robert Poste's child?

Yes, I'm the little maidy Who are you?

Adam Adam Lambsbreath

Ye get up I'll see to them, Robert Poste's child

Miss Poste Or Miss Flora, if you want to be completely feudal

Where's this? Howlin; Robert Poste's child

Howling? Are we nearly there?

Another few miles yet, Robert Poste's child

Git on, Viper

What's the farm like? The seeds wither and the earth will not nourish 'em

The cows are barren The sows are farren

All is turned to sourness and ruin Dear

Is there no money? 'Tain't money

There's a curse on the place, Robert Poste's child

'Tis the Starkadders'doom

I'm sure it's not as bad as all that

Viper

There, Viper

Well, it is a little gloomy, I agree

Viper

Get 'e down, Robert Poste's child

How do you do? You must be Cousin Judith

It's so good of you to have me Isn't it curious we've never met before?

'Tis Robert Poste's child, all right

That's Graceless, looking out for me

You get back to your cows, Adam My luggage

Meriam'll bring it This way, Miss Poste

I think, just for tonight, I'll eat in my room if I may

It's cold there I expect a fire will soon warm it up

My sons'll be sorry

They wanted to see their little cousin

Your sons? Seth and Reuben

Seth and Reuben Really?

Well, I'll see them tomorrow, I'm sure

Someone has a hearty appetite Follow me, Miss Poste

Nobody shall say we didn't do right by Robert Poste's child

No Quite

Thank you

Hey, Elfine

My little water - vole My little water - vole

- You'd never sell Feckless - I do what I like

Who could've tended the poor, dumb beasty better nor I?

I knows what's in her heart better than I knows what's in the hearts of some humans

Look at her Be hard to find a knacker's man who'd take her

And another thing I don't pay ye wages to collect

chicken feathers and sell 'em down Beershorn for good money

That weren't I May I never set hand on plough again if it were

That were rk I say

Do you think you would mind not talking quite so loudly, please?

Some of us are trying to sleep

Wife, where's Elfine?

Not up yet, I expect, Amos

Godless habit, lyin' abed of a workin' day

The reekin' fires lie waiting for them as do

What a family I'm cursed with

You'll fritter and fry in hell, the lot of you

Meriam passed out this morning

Bless her

Reckon her time's come, Seth?

Robert Poste's child here, innit she?

After your inheritance, Reuben?

Robert Poste's child

Well, some of us has farmin' to do

Rk, time the barren field were gone over with a prunin'snoot

Reuben, get plowin' down Nettle Flitch Seth,

you drain the well

There's a neighbor missin'

So you're the little lady from London

with your smart ways?

I know your sort

Drain away a man's blood soon as look at him

Seth, after you've done the well,

you get scrattlin' up at Ticklepenny Corner

Come on, Miss Poste Adam will get you breakfast

Is there any bread and butter and some tea, Adam?

I don't much care for porridge

Bread and butter in the crocket Tea in the pot

Now leave me in peace I mun cletter the dishes, Robert Poste's child

That's a twig What you want is a nice little mop with a handle

It would get the dishes cleaner and be so much quicker too

Don't want no mop with a handle I've clettered dishes

with an old thorn twig nigh on 50 year

And what was good enough then is good enough now, is it?

Aye

Adam, I've been thinking about the Starkadders' doom

Why doesn't Cousin Amos just sell this and buy a farm that doesn't have a curse on it?

In Berkshire or Devon, perhaps Nay

There's always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm

'Tis impossible for any of us to dream of leavin'

Mrs Starkadder's set on us stayin' 'Tis her life the very life in her veins

Cousin Judith, you mean? She doesn't seem very happy here

No, I mean the old lady, old Mrs Starkadder

Is she dead? No

No, miss, she's alive right enough

Her hand lies on us like iron,

but she never leaves her room,

never sees no one but Miss Judith

Ain't left the farm these 20 year That be her tray

There she is, my little wennit

- Gracious Who's that? - That's my cowdlin'

That's Elfine Starkadder

Does she always charge about like that?

She's as wild and shy as a pharisee of the woods

Days, she's gone wandering the downs

with only the spyin'magpies and little rabbits for company

No thought for them as loved her and cowdled her in their bosom

when she were a mommet

How trying I'll take the tray, Adam

No, miss I doubt she even know you're here

I understand what to do Just leave it outside her door

No, m

Elfine What do you want?

Cousin Judith's room Be a lamb and show me the way

It's that way

Do forgive me saying so, but I'd love to see you in blue

Some shades of green are good, of course, but

dull greens are very trying, I always think

Definitely blue You try it and see

Who's that?

It's Urk He's horrible

He's after me again Go away

Who's there?

Good morning I'm so sorry to interrupt you while you're busy writing letters

Busy? Busy weavin' me own shroud, be like

You can do what you please round the farm, Robert Poste's child,

if you don't break in on me loneliness

Give me time and I'll atone for the wrong my man did your father

Give us all time and we'll atone

I don't suppose you'd care to tell me what the wrong was

My lips are sealed, Miss Poste

Just as you like, Cousin Judith

Now, can we discuss my keep? I have a hundred a year

I wouldn't touch a single penny of Robert Poste's money

While you're here, you're a guest of Cold Comfort

Every middock will be paid for by our sweat

While I'm here, might I make a few changes?

I adore my bedroom, but do you think I could have my curtains washed?

I believe they're red, but I should like to make sure

Child, child, it's years since such trifes

broke across the web of my solitude

Perhaps Meriam could wash them

- Not now Her time has come - She's in labor? Where?

- Is the doctor there? - You leave her be

Every year when the sukebind flowers, it's the same thing

Just the hand of nature We women can't escape it

Of course we can Who's responsible?

Cursed be the day I brought him forth

and the nourishment he drew from my bosom

Cursed be the wooing tongue God gave him

to bring disgrace upon weak females

Right Well, if you'll excuse me, Cousin Judith,

I have a few things to attend to

Who's there? Are you all right?

It's Miss Poste, from the farm What do you want?

May I come in?

Come to mock me in my shame, mum?

I thought you were in labor I heard you cry out

Had it last night I was just moaning a bit

It's not so bad if you keep your spirits up and eat hearty aforehand

Is it your first? 'Tis my fourth

And who knows what'll happen again when the sukebind's out in the hedges

Now look, Meriam, nothing need happen so long as you use your intelligence

and see it doesn't

Haven't you heard of family planning? No, mum

You can prevent it All you need's a little rubber bowler hat to stop it happening again

- The doctor can show you - What would I look like in a rubber bowler hat?

- You wear it inside, Meriam - No, mum 'Tis fyin' against nature, that is

Nonsense Nature's all very well in her place,

but she mustn't be allowed to make things untidy

Now remember, Meriam, no more sukebind and summer evenings

without a few preparations beforehand

If you'll wash my bedroom curtains for me, I'll pay you

That can go towards buying whatever it is your children have to eat

Mornin', miss

Hello, Mother She wants me to wash her bedroom curtains

Who's "she"? The cat's mother? You speak proper to the young lady

Never thought I'd hear anyone wanting washing done at Cold Comfort

She'll wash 'em for you, miss How is he?

Fine They always does

Well, you needn't sound as if you wish they wouldn't

Lord knows, none of'em was very welcome, poor little innocents

Still, now they're here, we might as well look after 'em right

Come another four years, I'll start makin' use of'em

How?

Train the four of'em up for one of them jazz bands

They get six pound a night playin' up west in the nightclubs

That's why we got to look after 'em right Yeah

He's gonna be a trombone player Look at his mouth

A telegram, madam

It must be from Flora

Do read it, Sneller

"Worst fears realized Seth and Reuben too

Everything needs changing Send magazines"

Morning Morning

Not so bad now? No

Lunches, dear? We do, but only in August

Not always then You can have what we're havin'

Got to cook my gentleman's dinner

No, my dear That's Mr Hawk-Monitor from up the Hall

He's a real gentleman He don't eat here

My gentleman's a Mr Mybug from London He's a book writer

Not another There he is now

Walks the High Weald all hours, he does Then comes in covered in mud

Good day, all Nice walk, Mr Mybug?

I have freely wandered the ample suckling breasts of the welcoming hills

A pint of cider, if you would, Mrs Murther

Ayoung lady askin' after you

Flora Poste, isn't it?

May I sit down? We met at the Polswetts in October

Did we, Mr Mybug? Meyerburg Don't you remember?

Harriet Belmont sat naked on the grass and played to us on her fute

Actually, the Polswetts said you were down here I rather hoped I would run into you

Better go up and dry off, hadn't you, Mr Mybug?

Yes, yes Dear me, I do seem somewhat soaked in nature's fecund blessing

I shall see you in a very few moments, my dear Miss Poste

But let me warn you I'm a queer, moody brute,

but there's rich soil in here if you care to dig for it

Mrs Murther, I think I'll do without lunch today after all All right, dear

Good - bye

Hello

I thought I'd introduce the custom of afternoon tea

Do you take milk?

I scranletted 200 furrow come 3:00 down in the bute

Did you? Aye

Did too

All the way from Ticklepenny Corner to Nettle Flitch

Could you 'a' done that?

No, indeed I certainly couldn't, Reuben

But then, you see, I shouldn't want to

Take the farm, pay hired men, I'd wager

Waste all the takings No, I wouldn't

I wouldn't care if Ticklepenny Corner wasn't scranletted at all

I'd let you do it instead Let? Let

That's a fine word to use to a man

that's nursed this farm like a sick mommet,

knows every inch of soil and patch of sukebind in the place

Let's get it straight, Reuben I don't want the farm

I'm the last person in the world to be any good at scranletting Really

I prefer to leave it to people who know all about it Like you

What's that you're makin'? A bath towel, Seth

Would you like some tea?

You women are all alike

Fussin'over your fal - de - lals to bedaze a man's eyes?

And what you really want is his blood,

his pride and the heart out ofhis body

- Really? - Aye

And then when you got him, bound up in your fal-de-lals and your softness

and he can't move 'cause of the longin' that cries in his blood, what do you do then?

I'm afraid I don't know, Seth

Would you mind passing me that reel of cotton on the dresser?

This what you're after?

Thank you

You eats him

Same as a hen spider eats a cock spider

But I don't let no women eat me

I eats them instead

You don't understand what I'm sayin', do you, little innocent?

Yes, and I think it's dreadful

What do you do in the evenings, Seth? When you're not eating people

- Go over Beershorn to the talkies - You like the talkies?

Better than anything in the whole world

Seventy-four photos of Lottie Funchal

Forty ofJennie Carroll

Fifty - five, Laura Valley

All signed ones That's where I'm goin' now

D'you want to come? They're showin' 'Street Sinners'

I saw it in London, actually Thank you, Seth You'll enjoy it

Women

You'll be glad to know my campaign for tidying up Cold Comfort Farm

is going rather well

"I've already begun to soften the dour Reuben,

and I think I've discovered the real nature of Seth's grand passion"

"I've started teaching the hired girl the precautionary arts"

Very good "All part of my mission"

"to drag them into the modern world,

"and I'm also getting my bedroom curtains washed,

"but I still have to meet Aunt Ada Doom,

"and I have no idea what wrong was done to Papa

Please send this month's Vogue"

From the stubborn interwoven strata of his unconscious,

thought seeped up into his dim

conscious,

not as an integral part of that consciousness,

but rather as an impalpable emanation

from the unsleeping life of the nature that surrounded him

The golden orb

The golden orb

Dear

Amos

Where you going? Preachin' At Beershorn

At the Church of the Quiverin' Brethren

They'll all burn in hell, and someone's gotta tell them so

May I come with you? Think you'll escape from the fires of hell

if you come along with me and bow down and quiver?

'Tis too late, young lady You'll burn with the rest

Well, I should like to see it, even so

Why are they called "Quivering Brethren"?

Why? Because they quiver when they prepare for torment

Do you prepare your sermons beforehand or does it just come?

Word is never prepared It falls on me mind like manna from heaven

Really? How interesting

Then you have no idea what you're going to say before you get there?

Aye I always know it'll be summat about burnin'

And does anyone else preach, or are you the only one?

Only me

Deborah Checkbottom, she tried onceways to get up and preach, but she couldn't

The Lord weren't in her

Whate'er shall we do O Lord

When Gabriel blows o'er sea and river

Fen and desert mount and ford

The earth will burn but we will quiver

Whatever shall we do O Lord

When crops do fail and blossoms wither

God's great wrath be not ignored

The earth may fail but we will quiver

Amen

Ye miserable, crawlin'worms

- Are ye here again then? - Aye

Have ye come like Nimshi, son of Rehoboam,

secretly out of your doomed houses,

to hear what's comin' to ye?

Aye Have ye come, old and young,

sick and well, matrons and virgins

If there be any virgins amongst you, which is not likely,

the world being in the wicked state that it is

Aye Have ye come to hear me tell ye

of the great crimson, licking fames of hell fire?

Aye Aye

You've come, dozens of ye,

like rats to the granary, like field mice when there's harvest home

And what good will it do ye?

You're all damned

Damned

Do you ever stop to think what that word means?

No-o-o-o No, you don't It means

endless, horrifying torment

It means your poor, sinful bodies stretched out on red-hot gridirons

in the nethermost fiery pit of hell

and those demons mocking ye while they waves cooling jellies

in front of ye

You know what it's like when you burn your hand

takin' a cake out of the oven

or lighting one of them Godless cigarettes?

And it stings with a fearful pain Aye?

And you run to clap a bit of butter on it to take the pain away, aye?

Aye Well, I'll tell ye

- There'll be no butter in hell - No

And your body will be burnin'and stingin' with that terrible pain

And your blackened tongue will be stickin' out of your mouth,

and your parched lips will be cryin'out for

Cakes and an orange with sugar on it Thank you

Miss Poste May I join you?

Mr Mybug I suppose so Meyerburg

I'll have what she's having, please Very well, sir

I do love eating with a spoon, don't you?

Now, Miss Poste, perhaps you can help me on a matter that's been troubling me

Do you believe that women have souls?

I'm afraid I'm not very interested Quite

I do so agree Bodies matter so much more than souls, don't you think?

Or are you, alas, like so many young Englishwomen, a prisoner of outdated inhibitions?

Do you know what DH Lawrence said? I do, actually, yes

He said there must always be a dark, dumb, bitter belly tension

between the living man and the living woman

Mr Mybug, do tell me about the book you're writing

Excuse me, sir Well Thank you

Thank you, sir I intend to prove

that Branwell Bronte wrote Wuthering Heights

and 'Jane Eyre' and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

A work of fiction, is it?

Yes, well, that's enough about me Tell me, Miss Poste, do you care about walking?

What about it? I thought we might take some nature walks together,

go on discussing art and literature like this

But I'd better warn you I'm pretty susceptible

Well, then, perhaps we should postpone the walks until the weather's finer

It would be too bad if your book was held up because you'd caught a cold

I'm talking about sex, Miss Poste Yes You see, I believe in utter frankness

about sexual things

Aye, ye fornicators Fornicators

No, I assure you, Miss Poste and I are just old friends

- We met in London - Aye, the devil's city

The stinkin' pit of whoredom Come on, young lady

It's back to Cold Comfort for you

Ye'll fritter and fry Ye didn't even stay to hear the Lord's Word

I was overwhelmed, Cousin You're such a powerful preacher

Aye, the Word burns in me mouth,

and I must blow it on the whole world like fames

You ought to do it more widely, Cousin Amos What do ye mean?

You shouldn't waste it on a few miserable sinners in Beershorn

You could go round the country in a Ford van preaching on market days

'Twould be exalting myself and puffin' myself up

if I went around in one of they vans

Thinkin' of my glory 'stead of the Lord's

You could save thousands of souls That's how I'd look at it

if I were going round the country in a Ford van

What kind of Ford van?

Has she been askin' about me, Robert Poste's child? What does she want?

She's been here more than a week She keeps askin' to see you, Mother

Couldn't you come down just once and talk to her?

You know I never come down except for the countin', not after what happened to me

She's Robert Poste's child She has her rights

Saw something nasty in the woodshed

I never spoke of it, not even to Mama

But I've always remembered it every day of my life It's made me the way I am

Yes, Mother It's the farm she wants, isn't it?

She's your sister's grandchild She's owed She's owed nothin:

She should never have come here She's playin' her wiles on all of you

I've watched her Reuben, Seth, now Amos

I'm not havin' it, girl There've always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm At Cold Comfort Farm Yes, Mother, don't upset yourself

Starkadders Always were, always will be

Tell her, girl Tell her Hear what I said? Starkadders

Adam, you're not using that nice dish mop I bought you for the clettering

Nay I'd never put that pretty in gurt-greasy washing-up water

I mun do that with thorn twigs They'll serve

'Tis prettier than apple bloom, my little mop

Is something wrong, Adam?

'Tis my little wennit What's the matter with her?

She's always peerin' through the windows up Howchiker Hall

to get a sight of that young chuck-stubbard Master Richard

Dick Hawk-Monitor? Arr Blast him

for a setup yearlin' of a womanizer

I hear he's nice enough

You knows the ways of gentry

Him the young squire and her just a little wennit out of nature

Indeed I do know the ways of gentry

I'm sure he means no harm

The problem is, Elfine's not quite the sort gentry marry

'Tis what I mean Leave it to me, Adam I'll talk to her

Poor little wennit

Sister Sun and Brother Wind,

dancin' through the woodland trees,

this little ode to you I sing

and whisper it upon the breeze

Really, Elfine, don't you think you sometimes overdo it a bit?

Overdo what? This will-o'-the-wisp thing

Who encouraged you to be like that?

Miss Ashford from the Arts and Crafts Shop in Beershorn

She was so kind to me She taught me such a lot:

How to dress, how to speak beautifully

And she had such lovely things

And she made you read poetry

Write it, too, probably Yes I'm going to publish a volume when I'm 50

And that's why you have to be alone on the hillsides, is it?

Yes It's where I can be with my poetry and my dreams

Anyway, I can't stand the farm another minute Why not?

Urk, of course He's horrible

He's always in the tree outside my window, spying on me

Grandma Doom says I'm promised to marry him when I'm 18

No Why? Because he's a Starkadder

And there have always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm

But there's someone else, isn't there?

How did you know? There always is

Dick Hawk-Monitor at the Hall? Yes?

Are you engaged to him? Engaged? No

No, it's It's too binding

Don't you think it's horrible to bind someone down?

I see So he doesn't want to marry you

I think he does sometimes,

but he's got this London cousin called Pamela

It's his 21st birthday party next month They're bound to get engaged then

Next month? Well, then, it's quite simple

You must go to this party and win him over

I can't go to the party Grandma Doom doesn't let us accept invitations

Only to funerals and the churchin' of women

Look There he is Isn't he fine?

Yes He should suit you very nicely

Would you like me to help you?

Reuben Miss Poste

Goin' to church again with the old devil? No

I was advising Cousin Amos to address his sermons to a wider audience

Wants to frighten the birds off the trees, does he?

Think about it, Reuben If he were away preaching,

someone else would need to take charge of the farm

And so I'll have to one day, when the old devil dies

But he talks of leaving it to Adam

Wouldn't it be better if whoever took charge got a real grip on things

so when Cousin Amos came back, he could see it ought to be left to that person?

I get it Meaning you

No, Reuben, I've told you before, I don't want the farm Meanin'who, then?

Meaning you, Reuben

Who, me? Aye, thee

'Tis impossible

Aunt Ada'll never let him go

If anyone talks o' leavin', she has an attack

She's ill How does it show?

Has to know everythin' as goes on

Has to see the milk book, chicken book, cow book

We keeps back the books, she has an attack

We ask for pocket money, she has an attack

Anyone wants to wed, she has an attack

Anyone want to leave Cold Comfort

She ain't like other people's grandmothers

She's mad, and that's all

I see Well, just because Aunt Ada is mad,

that's no reason why you shouldn't persuade Amos to go on his preaching tour

Dang me if it don't

Aunt Ada, isn't it time we talked?

I saw something nasty Saw something nasty

Aunt Ada Something nasty in the woodshed

Go away, girl

How long have you been in there, Aunt Ada?

Ever since myJudith married Amos

Isn't it lonely? Lonely?

I saw something nasty in the woodshed Did you? What?

I don't remember anymore I was little

Something terrible

And it was in the woodshed? Are you sure?

Course I'm sure

Or maybe the potting shed Or the bicycle shed

Or the tool shed

All these years, getting five good meals a day,

running the farm, ruling the roost, everyone doing

exactly as you say and sacrificing their lives to yours?

That's not bad, is it, just for seeing something nasty in the woodshed?

Everything depends on me

Does it?

The bull's out

- Big Business? - Is that bad?

That's terrible Someone'll get hurt Urk, get the bull fork

Adam, come on Bull's out Where's Seth?

Dang Seth Come on All right

Somethin' to do with you, isn't it? Why me, Urk?

I know you're tryin' to take Elfine away from me She's mine

She were promised me the day she was born You heed what I say

Urk When the water-voles mate this summer, she be mine

Better hurry, Urk The bull's out

Come on

No, boy Come on, boy

Elfine

Voila No, no Low here?

That's lovely Yes, that's it

You happy, darling? Yes, I think that's sweet

Right here

Round neck, I think

Yes, I think a small train And then somewhere here,

we're needing a bit of uplift, I think

Here we have a prime example of Ecole de Paris painting He's also very keen

on the whole calligraphic effect of his painting, the very linear quality of it

Always with his work, you find

Flora, what do you think? No, please, look at this

Higher Common Sense Very good Very clever

Especially the introduction

That's for you Thank you

I think she's charming Wait 'til we've finished

Do you like your new dress, Elfine? It's heavenly

It's white satin, straight lines Better than poetry?

Do explain to her about poetry, Mary

Do I gather that you love poetry and think that if you talk about it

to a young man like Dick Hawk-Monitor, he'll be pleased?

- Everybody loves poetry - - Most decent young men are totally alarmed

when they hear that a girl reads it, let alone writes it

Tell her, Charles Dick Hawk - Monitor's a perfectly nice chap

- You know him? - Of course And his mother Rather well, actually

But poetry and Dick

No, quite frankly In fact, when poetry's combined

with ill-groomed hair and eccentric dress, it's generally fatal

You're very lucky, Elfine He must have seen your finer points

I shall write it secretly then Quite right

It's bad to be dewy-eyed among smart people, but you can always secretly despise them

You see, Elfine, we tell you these things so you'll have some standards inside yourself,

now you're going to meet a new kind of life

Everything arranged, Charles? Absolutely

- What's arranged? - Never mind

Charles is going to help I said I might

Who's this man Mybug?

Just a strange Lawrentian person who says he's in love with me

Jealous, Charles?

Good Enjoying yourself, Elfine?

It's going to be such fun No, it's going to be

"amusing" or "diverting," not "such fun," darling

Hi there, Flora Poste

Mr Neck Hello Back on one of your London trips?

Yeah, I few into the Savoy this morning

This is Earl P Neck, the Hollywood movie czar We met at the Paris Film Club

My friend Mary Smiling

- Mary - Elfine

Elfine

Charles Charles

Won't you join us? Thank you, thank you

Tell me, Mr Neck,

what exactly does a czar do?

What do I do?

Imagine the night sky What do you see?

- Clouds? - You see stars

And what you see up there, I spot down here

I take ordinary people, and I turn 'em into asteroids

Flora does the same This is her latest

She's wonderful And so are you, Miss Poste You care to rumba?

Smythe-Forsythes h -

Smith-Jones, Clyde-Forresters

Miss Gertrude Forster Those unfortunate Field-Morrisons

And I've invited Pamela's parents

Just in case there's a double celebration Mother

Flora, I feel sick You can't feel sick Everything's arranged

Is Urk out the way? Saw him down Ticklepenny Corner,

talkin' to the water-voles

I say, this is all awfully Gothic, isn't it?

You do look extremely nice, Flora The dress is charming

And as for your protege, she's quite beautiful Don't chatter, Charles

Just drive quietly off

I say

Roger How lovely to see you

My dear, what a beautiful dress Have a lovely time

James How lovely to see you Hello, Jane How are you?

Have fun Charles All the way from London

You didn't travel up with Pamela, by any chance Afraid not, Mrs Hawk-Monitor

May I introduce Flora Poste? She's staying locally, actually

What a shame, Miss Poste We haven't seen anything of you Where are you staying?

I'm just staying a few miles up the road with relatives It's my first evening out

Well, have a lovely evening Thanks very much

All right, thank you Good evening Who's that?

Elfine You look incredible

Is it working? I should say so

I must go downstairs Mother

You're mistaken 'Tis not the first of May nor the seventeenth of October

You bide here I tell you I must go downstairs

I must have you all round me I must have all the Starkadders round me

To see if anyone's missing Nobody's missing, Mother

Get me my liberty bodice, girl And the elastic-sided boots

I hope you're not feeling neglected, Seth No, I aren't

London girls Them told me I was absolutely body - thrillin:

So you are, Seth They're all the same

Only want your blood, your breath, the very heart of your thoughts

I ain't got no time for that What have you got time for, Seth?

Movies There was a dance just like this in 'Criminal Lusts'

Shall we try it then?

Miss Poste Miss Poste

I love you Miss Poste

You do enjoy yourself, don't you?

I try to bring people round to the higher common sense

I shouldn't let you do that to me Think of all the good I do

Elfine's the belle of the ball Dick has the girl he wants

Seth's enjoying himself teasing all the London debutantes

And you're having a lovely time with me

Take your disgusting bourgeois hands off me

Miss Poste Miss Poste Tell them who I am

- He's Mr Mybug, a famous writer - I'm sorry, miss

This is a private party Come on, sir Miss Poste Miss Poste

I'm engorgingly in love with you

I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him

Never mind We're all purified by suffering

He's so obnoxious I haven't the heart to tell him that's why I won't let him kiss me

He thinks I'm inhibited I'm not, of course I'm not obnoxious

No, Charles Exactly Speech Speech

Speech

Ladies and gentlemen, friends,

Lord Lieutenant,

I'm really glad you could all come to my 21st

Mama hasn't thrown a bash for me like this since I was wearing a christening dress

- Anyway, this has been a particularly fine evening - - Hear, hear

No, I mean for me

Because, well, I've something to tell you all

Miss Elfine Starkadder and I have just become engaged

- Elfine? -

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

And so say all of us And so say all of us

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

It was wonderful, Flora The happiest night of my life

Yes, a brilliant evening, Flora Congratulations, Elfine

Just better hope Grandma don't stop it now?

I thought you told me they'd all be in bed

It's Grandma She's come downstairs

I reckon she's holding a countin' What counting?

We a rum lot, us Starkadders Some of us goes barmy

Some of us dies in childhood Some of us pushes others down wells

So once a year, Grandma holds a little gatherin' called the countin'

She must be doin'it early for some reason

Charles, thank you

Come back to London with me No, Charles

It's not finished yet

I say, Flora

When am I going to get a look in?

'Twas a burnin'noonday 69 year ago,

and me no bigger than a titty wren

And I saw something nasty

in the woodshed In the woodshed

You're all wicked and cruel I know you all want to go away

and leave me with what I saw

But there've always been Starkadders

at Cold Comfort Farm At Cold Comfort Farm

And you'll never go, none of you

Well, well, the gang's all here, isn't it?

I don't suppose there are any sandwiches

Who's that there then? It's Robert Poste's child

Come and meet your Aunt Ada Doom

How do you do, Aunt Ada?

Look who's come to see you, Mother It's Flora Poste

I saw something nasty in the woodshed

There've always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm At Cold Comfort Farm

You'll stay here, all of you

Amos and Judith, Seth and Reuben, Urk and Elfine

- And Rennet - Who's Rennet?

The one who looks as if she just jumped in the well She's a kind of third cousin, we think

It's time to hold the countin'

Where's my Seth?

Here I be

- I'll never leave you, Grandma - Aye, you're my mommet, my pippet

The Lord sees your lascivious glances

But how grand he is tonight And Elfine

Dressed up like a proper little lady

What's all this? What you been doin', boy? Tell your granny

He's been to a dance at the Hawk-Monitors So have I

So has Elfine And what's more, Aunt Ada,

Elfine and Richard Hawk-Monitor are engaged to be married a month from now

- No My little water-vole My little water-vole - Hey Hey Hey

She b'ain't worth it She b'ain't worth nothin' I'll go mad

Elfine was promised to Urk when she was born

Amos, you're the man here Tell them what their duty is

I've got somethin' to say, Mother

I been wrestlin' and prayin' and broodin' over it,

and I know the Lord's truth at last

I mun go abroad in one of they Ford vans,

preachin' all over the countryside

Aye, like the apostles of old

I've heard my call, and I mun follow it

No, you don't No one can leave me

I shall go mad and die alone in the woodshed with nasty things pressin' on me

She'll go mad You strike and torment me all you want

I hear the glad voices of the angels callin' me

over the ploughed fields,

and the little seedlings is clapping their hands in prayer

'Tis good-bye to ye all

I've broken your chains at last, Mother,

with the help of the angels and the Lord's Word

Where's me hat?

No, Amos What shall become of us?

The Lord will provide

Or not, according to His whim

I'll send you a card from where I'm going

I shall go mad, Amos I promise you

I'm sorry, Mother The Lord's will

We're doomed

Urk, Elfine's yours Promised the day she was born

You take her back, boy

Urk, she just b'ain't worth it No, she b'ain't

'Ave me instead Don't you have him, ducky, 'less you feels like it

I can always make him wash a bit, if I feels like it

Urk Come on, me beauty

- Dirt as ye are, we'll sink into the mire together - Urk, wait Don't you go too

I shall go mad, I tell you

I expect there'll be another little Beetle soon, now the sukebind's fowerin'

Amos gone, Urk gone

I'm all alone All alone in the woodshed

And who took them away?

It was you, wasn't it?

You chit You scheming brat

It was you, Robert Poste's child

You poured poison into their ears

Come on Sit down Come on

They're all gone,

and I saw something nasty in the woodshed

Don't worry, Grandma I'm still here

You'll break our hearts, too, you Libertine I know it

Come along, Miss Poste 'Tis time you were in bed

Thank you, Reuben You're an utter lamb

You got the old devil out o' the way

Farm'll be mine now, won't it?

I don't forget, Miss Poste Yes, of course, Reuben

Good night

Mr Neck Mr Neck

Mr Neck

Is the, House of Usher open? May I come in?

Mr Neck, how wonderful to see you I'll come down

Well, Mr Neck, Mary said in her last letter

that you were still looking for English film stars

Sure am, but I don't want sissies Sissies give me a pain in the neck

They're starting to give the goddamn American public a pain in the neck too

Believe me, it's red meat time in movies

Well, there's plenty of red meat at Cold Comfort Farm

You mean someone like TeckJones? Yeah Teck's a good kid

He can ride all right, but he's got no body urge

I want a man to fetch the women

Some big, husky guy that smells of the great outdoors

A guy who can live and love and still handle a plough

You mean like Slake Fountain?

Sure, but it takes 20 guys to pull a bottle off him before he gets on set

That's it Hold it there Who are you, son?

Seth, there you are This is my cousin Seth Starkadder

He's very interested in the talkies Mr Neck is a film producer

Seth Starkadder Hit 'em right with it?

So you're a fan, sweetheart?

You and me should get acquainted?

Maybe you've thought of being in the movies yourself What if I have?

He's got the fesh He's got the burr in his voice

And he can plow and mollock

I got the what? You just got the big offer, son

How would you like to be in the movies, Seth Starkadder?

I'd like it more than anything else in the world

Ain't that dandy He wants to be a movie star, and I wanna make him one

Seth, no You can't leave your mother

You mustn't go I knew it

I knew it would come to this Got to go, Mother

It's what I were always made for

God, he's terrific

Gee, ma'am, I know it's raw, I know it's tough, but that's life, sweetheart

Go on, get your coat, boy Time to be off

We take the Transatlantic Clipper in the morning

You can't do this to me You can't leave your mother

There's a spring onion harvest

'Tis man's work Seth, no

I'm a dead woman

I'd take her, too, but she's gloomy

Look, Mama, he'll be fine I got the perfect part

Seth Starkadder in 'Small Town Cowboy'

He'll send you five grand from the movie, and you'll be mama to a star

Good-bye, Mr Neck I'm sure we'll meet again in London I look forward to it

And thanks for the boy He's quite a find

Mother Mother Come on down

Mother, he's taking my Seth

No Seth

Mercy It's Great - Aunt Ada

Seth You'd better hurry and go

Don't leave me No I forbid it

I saw something nasty in the woodshed

Sure, you did, but did it see you, baby?

Come on, Seth Hollywood's waiting

Seth

Seth, you can't leave us

- You mustn't go - Good - bye, Mother

Seth

Seth

Seth Seth

I'm a dead woman

Drive a plough

Or milk a cow

I can reap and mow

I'm as fresh as a daisy

That grows in the field

And they calls I

Buttercup Joe

Yeah, well,

place looks a lot better, Miss Poste?

Much better, Reuben I knew you were the one to take charge

Yeah Should please the old devil when he comes back?

I don't think he is coming back I had a card today

"Praise the Lord I go to spread the Word among the heathen Americans

"with the Reverend Elderberry Shiftglass of Chicago

Tell Reuben he can have the old place Amos Starkadder"

Have the place? What, it's mine?

One day When the old lady

Cousin Flora, 'twere a good day when ye came to Cold Comfort

Here,

I don't suppose you'd marry me?

Reuben, that is nice of you

I mean it, Miss Poste I like your pretty ways

I like yours, too, but I'm afraid it would never do

I'm not at all the sort of person to make a good farmer's wife

And there's enough marriage just now with Elfine's wedding coming up

She all right up at the Hall? She loves it, and they love her

They ought to have the wedding feast here at Cold Comfort,

now you've made it so nice

You'll have to ask Aunt Ada

Yes, I suppose I will But you wouldn't mind?

No, not at all No

That were a no, by the way, were it?

Yes, it were no You'll find someone

What about Rennet?

No one in their right mind would marry Rennet

But I'll find someone

Aunt Ada? I've brought your lunch May I come in?

Who's there? It's Flora, Robert Poste's child

I don't know if there's enough money for Yeah

Dang me

What's going on? No supper?

I didn't like to make supper, Master Reuben

Miss Poste went to see the old lady at noon and hasn't come back down

They been talkin' all day

Maybe I ought to take up some sandwiches and cocoa No, no, Mrs Beetle

Better let 'em be Miss Poste knows what she's doin'

Something terrible'll come of it

What's happened? Is she all right, the old lady?

She's absolutely fine I've just put her to bed

What?

How's that, Miss Poste? Pretty, isn't it? Lovely, Urk

Could you fetch the men? I want to set up the tables for the feast

One for the farmers, one for the county

Give us your toes

That's it

Come on, Rennet, stir that dough

Don't want 'em eating their wedding breakfast a week after the nuptials, do we?

Who would've thought it? My little wennet

The seed to the fower, the fower to the fruit, the fruit to the belly

Urk, Grandma Doom's chair, could you find it and put it out for me?

She only uses that for the countin' Just find it, please

Rennet, here's a hat for you to wear to the church

Cousin Flora, do you mind?

I ain't used to them collars No, of course, Reuben

Sit down

Hello

Rest in peace, husband mine

Your loving wife won't be far behind

Here lies my darling George

Whatever shall I do without you come the harvest?

Cousin Judith, I'd like you to meet Dr Adolf Mudel from Vienna

Leave me to me fate, Robert Poste's child

It's a very great pleasure to meet you, Mrs Starkadder

I have heard something of you from Fraulein Poste

You must leave me be I'm a dead woman

Now she's safely gathered in, delivered from this life of sin

Yes Well, never mind that now

Pouring with rain when your father and I got married I must go in

Yes Good luck

Hello

Freddie, I wanted to speak to you about those cathedral

It is Thank goodness

Yesterday Hey

Miss Poste

What a marvelous day for a wedding

Dr Mudel, this is Mr Mybug Mybug

Dr Mudel, yes I know you by reputation, of course

We've never actually met I did attend one of your lectures once

"The Mind At War With Itself" So

Weren't you there, too, Miss Poste? Yes, indeed, Mr Mybug

Dr Mudel, could I ask you to accompany Cousin Judith into the church?

It will be my pleasure

Tell me, do you like old churches?

Mr Mybug, would you excuse me?

I've spotted someone I simply must talk to

Flowers

Stop it

Reuben Do hurry up, Elfine

They're all waiting You look gorgeous

Flora, do I look nice?

Don't be nervous

Reuben, mind me dress

My little wennet

Adam

Absolutely fascinating

How kind I don't usually

I must say you're looking splendid, Mrs Beetle

Vicar, thank you

Tell me, my dear,

you can settle a question that's been puzzling me

Do you believe that women have souls?

A wedding present for ye, maidy

A gift for my own wild marsh tigget

Adam, how sweet of you

Put it in thy bosom It'll make ye bear four children

That it will You'll see

I must thank you, Miss Poste

Dr Mudel has asked me to stay with him at his nursing home in London

He says I can stay with him for six months and talk to him, play some chess if I like

It's my energy, you see It turns in instead of out

He's going to turn it out for me

Grandmama?

- Aye, 'tis her - All dressed up to go out

'Tis flying against nature

- Look at her - Well, I never Granny

She must've seen some'at nasty in the woodshed

Welcome to Cold Comfort Farm

- There's always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm - -Aye

But it's been some time since we've had a wedding here

I must admit that Elfine's wedding has not turned out quite as I'd planned,

but I've never seen her looking lovelier or more radiant

So

So I give it my blessing

My great-niece Flora has told me something very wise

What a pleasant life

How'd you put it, dear?

What a pleasant life might be had in this world

by a handsome, sensible old lady of good fortune,

blessed with a sound constitution and a firm will

- Jane Austen Jane Austen - Aye

So I'm taking her advice

and leaving for Paris in a few moments

Paris?

Good-bye, dear

- God bless you, mum - Thank you very much Thank you

Now, remember, when you get to Nice, ask for the Hotel Miramar

I will, my dear I shall do exactly as you advised

You won't find me plucking my eyebrows, nor dieting

Nor doting on a boy of 25

There is just one thing, Aunt Ada, before you go

What was the wrong Amos did my father? And what are my rights?

Well Yes, my dear? Aunt Ada

Adam wants to come to Hautecouture Hall with us and look after our cows

Do you mind?

Who will care for Feckless, Aimless, Graceless and Pointless?

Adam, you wouldn't desert them?

Never, ma'am Take 'em with me

There's room for all at "Howchiker" Hall

Well, you may take 'em if you want to, Adam

Bless ye, Miss Starkadder You'me a good 'un after all

And bless ye, Robert Poste's child

You'me lifted the doom from Cold Comfort

- Three cheers for Aunt Ada Hip-hip - Hooray

- Hip-hip - Hooray

Hip - hip Hooray

It was the loveliest time of the loveliest day of the year

The ermine fowers and silky leaves

and satin leaves

dazzled against an azure sky

The gauze - like shadows crept in

stealthily

The dreaming birds began their sleep song

Golden orb

The golden orb

The golden orb

Charles, you do have heavenly teeth

Come on

Here, clap that

This is forever, isn't it? Yes, forever

Now, is it all over, my darling? Yes, Charles

I did it all Very clever What about the novel?

To be perfectly honest,

I don't really think I'm cut out to be a novelist

You know, I never did approve of you interfering in other people's lives

So I shan't be allowed to interfere in yours? No

Of course, you can share it, Flora In fact, I very much hope you will

Charles, I love you What?

I love you

Good-bye

Flora