Original subtitles

Greetings not from Tromaville.

We were trying to think long and hard

About a hellish place in which to open our little film.

A cold, empty, and soulless place

That only the damned call home.

Yes, it's a land whose inhabitants willingly allow

Their bodies to be surgically altered

And their minds steam cleaned of all emotion and humanity.

And what is this metropolis of the living dead?

What is this hell where all souls are sold for a car

And a good looking suit?

It's... it's... it's Hollywood.

Yes, it's Hollywood.

Home of the glamorous $150 million

Movie about a giant talking kangaroo.

Hooray for Hollywood!

But at this very moment, many, many, many multiplexes

Are being built for fewer and fewer films.

But never fear.

There is always a small cadre of hard working people who

Are going to change things, who are fighting

The good fight for independent art, who are fighting

For independent cinema.

Those artists who are protecting our freedom of choice,

Our freedom of art, our freedom of emotion.

People like... like... like... Like... why, it's James Gunn!

James!

James... James is the writer of Troma's

Highly subversive $350,000 movie, Tromeo and Juliet.

A true... a true idealist.

How's it hanging, brother?

Lloyd, it's going great.

I've been looking all over for you.

The people at the Red Roof Inn told me you were over here.

So listen, here's the thing.

I have been really, really happy since I moved

To Hollywood because I did the niftiest,

Neatest, coolest thing.

I totally sold my soul to Satan.

I had to kill a young child to do it,

But it's awesome because ever since I've done it,

I've been totally rich.

I made Scooby Doo.

I've got two more movies going into production in April.

What's one kid when it comes to all my talent

That I have to share with the world?

People say bad things about the Dark Lord.

I think he is a sweet and swell guy.

So anyway, I just got a new deal with Disney to create

A movie called Phlegm Wallaby.

About a jive talking, rapping wallaby made of phlegm.

Everyone I tell it to laughs so hard at everything I say.

In fact, when I talk, people are pretty much

Laughing all the time... ever since I sold my soul to Satan.

And anyway... praise Satan... I would like

To fulfill my dream project.

And tell us about your dream project, James.

It's called Et tu, America.

It's a story about Irish immigrants coming

Into the United States in the early 1900s

And having to face the harsh realities

Of our great, great nation.

They also happen to be jive talking.

It stars Meryl Streep and Sean Penn.

And I found something really... is that Prada?

I think I wore the same thing to the Oscar's last year,

Only in red.

Oh, by the way, this is my assistant, Elizabeth.

I mean, I call her my assistant.

Really, she's just a girl I have sex with.

And I pass her around from friend to friend.

Sucks a mean cock. She's a sweetheart.

Aw, you made the short list, Lloyd.

The short list of directors!

What she's telling you is that they want you and I want

You to direct the $200 million Universal epic

Film, Et tu, America.

Lloyd, what do you say?

I am not Lloyd.

I am the Crap Keeper.

You can have the titles read however

You want... directed by the Crap Keeper.

That's perfectly fine.

So Crap Keeper, would you like to direct this movie,

Make my day?

All you have to do is kill a little kid.

It's great.

Will you do it?

We at Troma abide by the words of Shakespeare

To thine own self be true.

Whether it's 200 million, 400 million, a billion,

A kazillion.

It doesn't matter.

We do things that are of great significance

To the heart and the soul.

Idealism is what we're about.

And now, we're going to present something far more important

Than Meryl Streep or Sean Penn.

We're going to present...

[FARTING] Oah!

Tales from the Crapper.

Hey, uh, James?

You know, I didn't want you anyway.

Meryl wanted you. I didn't.

I wanted Chris Columbus.

He'd do a much better job.

You suck as a director.

Everybody thinks so.

Well, why don't we watch our first mind bending story?

Ow! What the hell's wrong with you?

Goddammit. Jeez.

JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): Do you want to know about

The night that changed my life?

My name is Joseph Deluca, the Third.

That's me.

Gentleman club barker by night, aspiring Ashtanga yoga

Instructor by day.

It started out as a typical evening.

Me on the street, craving a hearty bowl of guacamole.

But something caught my eye.

[EXPLOSION]

It looked like a giant bowl of guacamole

Flying in the night sky.

At first, I thought it was a hallucination

Brought on by the AIDS cocktail I was taking.

But then it crash landed and I knew it was real.

I remember something my dear old Da' once told me.

Son, he said, if aliens should ever crash land in Los Angeles,

Be sure to try some of their guacamole.

Supposedly, they have the best.

But there was a fire.

And I thought, oh no.

I hope the guacamole is not burnt to a crisp.

I had to investigate further.

I could smell the guacamole.

There it was.

A light shining through.

Hello?

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

Are you all right?

If you are OK, may I trouble you for some guacamole?

Ahhh!

[SCREAMING]

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

Lesbian Hoedown!

TV NARRATOR: We interrupt the Cannibal

Lesbian Hoedown to bring you this special news bulletin.

This just in. Spaceship lands in Los Angeles.

E!

News Daily rolls out the red carpet

And no one seems to care.

You know who I like?

That Steve Kmetko.

- He is hilarious. - Isn't he funny?

He's an improv wizard.

I'd say actually he's more of an improv sorcerer.

And I would go one further and call him an improv merlin.

SAM (VOICEOVER): This is where I come in.

That's me.

Sam Black, Private Dick.

I was hired to find out what happened to Joe.

And I had a hunch that it all led to the Shimmering Beaver.

I had to be stealthy like a fart in a thunderstorm.

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): But that was easy for me

Because subtlety was my middle name.

Fuckin' A!

Bring on the bitches!

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage,

I knew she was trouble with a capital P!

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with an U-S-S-Y.

She had a pair of gams that would make you want to kneel

Down and thank the good Lord the glory

Hole at the YMCA was nothing but a bitter aftertaste.

It didn't take long for yours truly to see this dame was all

Class.

Yep, she reminded me of my mother, all right.

Ya! Ya!

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): This was the kind of dame that

Makes man wish he was born a shiny strip club

Pole instead of being little Shlomo Wilonsky, a rusty Pole

From Warsaw.

ANNOUNCER: All right, put your hands together.

Get your dollars out for Sandra.

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage,

I could tell she was trouble starting with a capital C.

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with a U-N-T.

This little piglet had a set of honey

Glazed ham hocks that would make even the Rabbi Goldberg ram

His milk filled matzo balls into her steamy rump of pork

And call it kosher.

Ya!

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): Real kosher.

Yeah.

She was just like my donkey.

Woo!

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Now on the stage is Larry.

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as I saw the bulge in her panties,

I could tell this bimbo was hiding more than just

Weapons of mass destruction.

She had more shaft than Richard Roundtree

And Samuel L. Jackson combined.

Yep, she reminded me of Burt Reynolds, all right.

Get ready, Mr. Happy.

Get ready for takeoff!

Ya!

SAM (VOICEOVER): I had my hand grip

Firmly on my pistol, the knowledge I might

Have to open fire any minute.

Shoot.

Just ready to shoot.

Ya!

Give you all of it, baby.

Ya!

[SPLOOSHING]

BARGOER: Hey, that old guy's jerking off!

[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T KNOW"]

Ya! Get canned!

SAM (VOICEOVER): But that wouldn't stop me from getting

To the bottom of this case.

No, sirree.

Sometimes a little surveillance can be just as effective.

Oh, baby.

Yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): Yep.

Nothing beats a good stakeout.

And I had my stakeout and I was beating it real good, see?

I had to tenderize the meat.

Ah.

[SPEAKING ALIEN] Ah!

Huh? No!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Watch the hair.

That's my chair.

Not your seat.

I don't see where it says asshole seat.

Beat it, bitch.

You're in my chair.

Now you've got the AIDS, baby.

Oh, shoot, princess.

Oh, my god.

Get back here, bitch, with that bag.

Where did you get that?

I must have it.

Don't you worry, baby.

You'll get yours.

Ow!

Now my wrist is really limp.

Oh man.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Ah!

Aw yeah.

Turn around.

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

How about some breakfast, honey?

Hey.

You're in some mood this morning, huh?

I do think I need some therapy, so...

Oh, no.

You're fine, really.

Are you sure?

I'm a little bit touched. No.

Really, you're fine.

I tell you, who's ever responsible for these murders

Is a sick bastard.

I need to be on this case with you.

I'm sick of being on the B.

You love it.

Hey, I'll read your reports.

You and your partner love that street violence stuff.

Yeah, well not as much as you love working

Undercover at a strip bar.

Well, maybe if you were stripping.

You'd love it anyway.

All those little titties bouncing around

And those G-strings in your face.

Don't give me any trouble.

Well, it does have its pros and cons.

Lots of peaks and valleys, if you know what I mean.

Mhm.

You know what I can't understand, though?

Is why Chief Doublestump won't put me on this case.

I think that thing is his pants is really

Screwing with this brain.

What do you think that really is?

Well, honestly, I think the man has two penises.

Wow.

TV NARRATOR: We interrupt the Cannibal

Lesbian Hoedown to bring you this special news bulletin.

Good morning.

This is Sally Smirks, reporting to you live from downtown.

It is rumored that yet another strip club

Murder occurred last night.

Chief Doublestump did say that he has no intentions of closing

Down any part of downtown, claiming that he

Has the killer in his sight.

Yeah, right.

Taking all the credit for your hard work.

You know?

I've got a hunch about this other club.

I'm going to go check it out.

You be safe, bunny.

I love you.

[SLURPING SOUNDS]

Bye. Thanks.

Thank you.

BRUCE (VOICEOVER): And this is where I come in.

Bruce Kugan, professional badass and All-American pussy magnet.

After a long day of whooping ass,

There's nothing I like better than straddling my hot hog

And going over to the Shimmering Clam

For some down and dirty poontang.

There's Chang, always asking me for the password.

I got your password right here, buddy old Chang.

Course he lets me in.

What do you think about that killer?

Stop trying to change the subject!

It's still $50 to lick my stinkhole.

Hey, man.

Can I get a beer over here or what, ma'am?

Ugh.

What is up with this place?

It's dead.

Hey, sweet cheeks.

How about a dance over here?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, let's see what we got here.

Oh.

Play with that pole for Brucey.

You're gonna get naked, right? Mhm.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, baby.

Oh! There we go.

Take it off for daddy. OK.

That's a little bit better.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Turn it on for daddy.

Makin' my cock real hard.

Makin' it...

[FARTING SOUNDS] Damn!

I gotta piss.

When I come back, I want the best lap dance

Ten bucks is gonna get me. Oh.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Oh, here it is.

Oh.

Oh, god.

Oh, it burns!

Oh, the stones!

Oh, I should have brought my strainer.

Oh, my god.

It just...

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

Oh, you brute. You brute.

Stop it, you... Agh.

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

Chief Doublestump!

Chief Doublestump, it's Sally Smirks.

Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, what are you doing here?

I heard that there was another strip club murder in this bar

Last night and my public wants to know why Sergeant

Ivanna isn't on the case.

I have no comment about that and I have no comment

About Sergeant Ivanna.

Everyone knows, Chief Doublestump, including you,

That Sergeant Ivanna is the toughest

Crime fighter in this city.

If you want to keep on pushing this,

We can maybe go over there and talk

About this a little in private.

You know what I'm saying?

Doublestump, why do you have to always do that.

Every time I come up here to interview you.

- C'mon, huh? - No.

This is Sally Smirk with Action 6 News, signing off.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

You need to holster your weapon there, Chief.

I don't want to hear it, Popo.

She's right, sir.

Ivanna is the toughest cop in town.

Why isn't she on the case?

You still don't get why that loose cannon

Isn't part of this extremely sensitive case?

First of all, she can't arrest anybody

Without breaking them down.

Maybe that's what this town needs.

Shut up, Popo. Let me explain.

A serial rapist...

Yeah, how do you like this?

They're gonna give it to ya good.

Ooh. Here comes the hammer.

Get ready for a good...

[SCREAMING]

I'll see ya later, bitch. Freeze!

Freeze! You'll never catch me.

I will shoot you.

I will shoot you. Get up against the wall.

Right now. She was just um-

[INAUDIBLE]

Check him real hard on.

Whoa!

I smelled that, you son of a bitch.

What do you think you're pulling?

She was raping me!

Get on the ground!

On the ground now!

Hands on your head!

Do you know who my father is?

Get down! Stay down!

Hands above your head! Get down!

Stay down!

She was asking for it.

They fucking deserved it!

Fuck you, asshole!

I'll show you...

Don't you ever do that to a woman!

You tell him!

You're a bad man!

You don't have to rape!

You go to jail!

Forever. Son of a bitch.

I'll show you what it feels like.

[SPLOOGING]

[SCREAMING]

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Lube it up.

Enough of this.

Clean up our city.

No more rapes.

Nobody gets away with shit over here.

You understand?

Yeah.

All that working out is paying off, man.

I'm telling you.

It's all paying off now.

Ain't nobody gonna get away with murder around here.

I'm badass.

[GUNSHOTS] Kick 'em.

I'm gonna stop 'em.

[GUNSHOTS]

Get an ambulance.

Maybe I was a little rough.

Yeah, she caught the guy.

That was a good bit of police work from all I hear.

Right.

Stuffed an orange cone up his ass.

He's in the hospital bleeding out of the rectum right now.

Lawsuits.

You know, everybody makes a mistake once.

Right.

Purse snatcher?

She got that guy, too.

Gimme that purse, you bitch.

Hi-ya! Ah!

Take that, you bitch.

[POLICE SIRENS]

Freeze!

Yow!

Ow!

Son of a bitch!

Taste of your own medicine, you cock sucker!

Want to eat my ass?

Wanna eat my gun?

What the hell do you think you're doing in my city, huh?

That was my purse.

How dare you do that to people.

She stole it from me.

Cocksucker piece of shit! Ow!

Get on your stomach.

Take me to a hospital.

Whatever you do, don't stick your nightstick in my wound.

Give it to me, baby.

Ow!

Ow!

God.

Whatever you do, don't stick a gun up my ass.

Ow! [GUNSHOTS]

[SPLOOGING]

[GUNSHOTS]

Uh oh.

Another one bites the dust. Woo hoo!

Woo!

Call the meat wagon, cocksucker.

[GUNSHOTS]

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

Fucking rule the city, bitch.

Yes, we showed him. [GUNSHOTS]

[MAN SCREAMS]

Get some more boogie going downtown.

Keep it safe in my place out of my face.

Gimme some space.

- Emptied her clip in his ass. - Twice.

It's a tough town.

Now she's not going to come near this case.

So where is she?

She's on ice.

Traffic detail downtown.

She's not going to get in any trouble there.

[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW"]

ANNOUNCER: OK, guys.

Up to the stage now is Larry.

Popo.

[INAUDIBLE] What are you doing, huh?

We are not discussing the details of this case,

But I assure you that we are closer than ever

And doing everything we can to bring this sick son of a bitch

To justice.

All I can say is that we have the best people on the case

And there is no reason to panic.

No, no, no.

If anything, the nightlife is livelier than ever.

That's it. Get out of here.

The interview is over.

Takin' you to jail.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Oh!

Ooh.

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Up to the stage now is Ginger.

Hi, would you like some privacy?

We have two private chat rooms to serve you.

Not now.

Maybe later.

Aw, come on.

Hey.

You live around here?

Shh, don't talk.

Let me give you a lap dance.

You don't know all the locals, do you?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Have you seen anything unusual?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Unusual?

This is a nudie bar, dude.

Weird shit happens all the time.

Do you remember the night the old man was murdered?

Look.

Do you want a lap dance or do you want to talk?

I like a lap dance just fine.

I just like talking, too.

I know what you need.

Two girl fantasy.

Come with me.

I'll get Boner.

So go on in.

Be patient.

I'll get Boner.

We'll be right back.

Be a good boy. Oh.

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

Ah!

This guy looks like he has a lot of money.

Maybe he'll pay for my operation.

[SCREAMING]

GUY ON RADIO: Attention, all cops.

Attention, all cops.

Murder at the Shimmering Beaver.

Murder at the Shimmering Beaver.

Possible officer down.

Not my bunny.

[POLICE SIRENS]

Jeez, I hope this isn't Detective Dance.

I call his wallet.

It's him.

It's Travis.

Is that his head?

No, Chief.

I think it's over there.

He said he had a hunch about this place.

Looks like he was right.

Well, let's call it in.

[POLICE SIRENS]

Goddammit.

That sounds like Ivanna.

Pope, get out there and stop her.

She can't see Travis like this.

Hey, hey, hey.

You don't want to go in there.

He's dead, isn't he?

Yeah, and somebody took his wallet.

My god!

I'm... I'm...

Oh, my god!

Ahh!

What the fuck happened?

Ivanna, I am so sorry.

Save your condolences, Double Dick.

Travis is dead!

And he wouldn't be dead if I was on the case with them

And you know it!

Now, Ivanna...

[INAUDIBLE] shit to me.

And I'm telling you, I'm on this case starting

Right this fuckin' minute.

You're upset.

Let's talk about this down at the station.

No shit I'm upset.

Let me see what I can do.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can take your fat ass and your double dick

And get the fuck out of here because I'm coming back.

I'm gettin' naked and I'm going to fuck shit up!

You stay the fuck out of my way. Hey, lady.

I don't mean to butt in or anything,

But a good way to get over the death of your husband

Is to go home and have a naked training montage

That all the little 14-year-old kids on the DVD players

Can jerk off to.

And then they won't feel like they wasted their money.

[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T KNOW"]

[FARTING SOUNDS]

That's it.

You little bitch whore.

Oh.

[MOANING]

You stay here.

You don't say a word.

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Since it's National Comic Book Appreciation Week,

Please put your hands together for the amazing Spidercunt.

[MUSIC PLAYING] I like blood and guts.

I like the sound of silence till it drives me totally nuts.

Remember if you come around, you better watch your yapper.

How many souls driven underground, watching

Tales from the Crapper.

I like naked strippers.

Ripping off arms and heads.

It makes me feel so chipper to know they're completely dead.

If you dare to show up, speaking like some old red snapper,

Please don't make me throw up.

I'm watching Tales from the Crapper.

Man.

Ah, I would love to sniff your panties.

Well, guess what, handsome?

I'm not wearing any.

Hot damn.

- Shit! - Gross!

Vagina.

Ooh, you know what?

I thought you'd have been shaving down there.

- Yeah. - Really?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck is she doing in there?

Fuck!

Ah!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

Oh, my nose!

My nose!

Oh, fuck!

Excuse me?

But is there a reason why you're chasing my customers away?

I'm sorry. I... I'm just a little nervous.

What do you have to be nervous about?

Well, I'm here to ask you for a job.

Oh, really?

I wanna be a dancer.

You wanna be a dancer?

Then get on stage.

Show your tits, bitch.

OK.

I'll get my costume on.

Thanks.

ANNOUNCER: All righty, guys.

This is her first time on stage, so be kind.

This is Ivanna.

When Ivanna's not stripping, she's an undercover cop,

Posing as a stripper.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

CROWD: Boo! C'mon!

Hey, Larry, am I getting a bald spot?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Could you believe that this is Ivanna's first time on stage?

Yeah, so can I.

[CROWD CHEERING]

So do I got a job?

- Yeah, you got it. - Yes!

Thank you so much.

I won't let you down.

- What is she doing? - All right.

How about...

- Yeah. - Yep.

I'm into some kinky shit and I hope you guys like it rough.

Oh, yeah.

Rough!

Yeah.

Hey, sweetie.

Excuse me, Deke.

We don't want any trouble, man.

Nobody has to worry about trouble as

Long as you learn how to relax.

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Entering the strip club is Deke, our resident red herring.

This could be him, Popo.

You sure?

His interests are confusing viewer, combing his hair,

And taking his coat off. Dance?

Dance?

Anyone want a dance?

No, you didn't.

That's my pretty pink bikini, bitch.

Get the... You scummy cunt.

I'll slice you open.

You better give that back.

I paid hundreds of dollars for it

And your fat ass doesn't work in it anyway.

You're not killing anyone else, pal.

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Put your hands together for the poorly

Choreographed kung fu fight.

[GRUNTING]

We got him.

Let's go. He's mine.

All right.

- Where? - He's over there.

Over there.

Freeze!

Party's over, scumbag!

[GRUNTING]

Cuff him, Popo.

I gotcha.

[SCREAMING]

I'll get him.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, no, no, no.

Not in the package.

Oh, Yes, daddy.

Oh!

Put it to my temple.

Put it in my mouth.

I should have fucked you when I had the chance.

Are you responsible for the murders?

I'm the murderer, baby.

I killed him. Thank god.

I'm not playing anymore games with you guys.

Shit!

I told you this was a fun place.

Yeah, tie me up.

Make it real... Damn!

I like it tight.

- Mhm. - Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like it tight, too.

Hey, what the fuck you think you're doing, bitch?

Give that back!

Bitch, what kind of fucking lap dance is this?

It's the kind of lap dance where you

Tell me what I want to know. Fuck you, bitch.

We ain't tellng you shit.

And you can suck my dick.

How about I make you boys my bitches?

Agh!

[POLICE SIRENS]

How long are we going to make her stay in there

And degrade herself before we tell her we caught the killer?

Not yet. You kidding me?

After all the headache she's caused me,

I've been waiting for the opportunity to get back at her.

Heh heh heh.

Every dog has his or her day.

Who knows what kind of degrading acts

Ivanna's subjecting herself to right now.

[SLURPING SOUNDS]

Ooh, hot!

CROWD: Oh, shit.

Ooh!

Now tell me who the strip club killer is.

What?

What the fuck you talking about?

Tell me who the fucking murderer is!

What the fuck are you talkin' about, lady?

We don't know anything, lady!

Keep those hips moving!

Come!

C'mon, Chief.

It's been long enough.

OK, OK.

I'll cut her loose.

Yeah, Doublestump here.

We apprehended the strip club killer.

Someone get word to Ivanna immediately.

Happy?

Very.

That's why you put up a mask.

There are zoning laws. OK.

This is just coming in to me.

Thank you, Louise. It's Ramone.

Ramone.

Just in.

Strip club killer apprehended.

- No! - Yes.

Tromaville Action News will be live on the air 24 hours a day

To bring you, the viewing public,

Live coverage of every angle of this breaking story.

We'll be interviewing the killer's

Neighbors, his mom, his grade school

Teachers, his reflexologist.

[PAGER BEEPS]

We don't know anything!

Now don't you tell anybody about this, you buttfuck.

You hear me?

No shit, asshole.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Oh, well. Thanks for nothing, guys.

What?

At least you're in touch with your own sexuality now.

[PHONE RINGING]

Doublestump.

Where did you find the guy?

The Shimmering Beaver.

I was at the Beaver.

When did you find the guy?

I'm gonna come down there and check

Your fuckin' files myself.

Around 11:30, OK?

You must have been in the back room.

You left me in that chat room for half an hour?

Are you sure you have the right guy because I'm coming down

There to question him myself.

No, no, no, no.

That won't be necessary.

Damn, I'm mad!

Fuck!

I hate that Doublestump dick prick piece of shit!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: OK, guys.

The girls are always available for private dances.

We have a special for all you guys with big pimples.

But you must masturbate into your wigs.

I'm

[SPLOOGING]

[SCREAMING]

What the hell?

[SCREAMING] Oh, my god.

Somebody call 9-1-1.

[SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

[SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Multiple murders in progress

At the Shimmering Beaver. Fuck!

I knew it!

Yes. This just in.

The strip club killer not apprehended.

It is not the guy.

False alarm, people.

However, we will continue our 24 hour coverage of this event

Because quite frankly, we've got nothing better to do.

I have some zoysia grass to grow.

I had a date tonight that was canceled.

- Canceled. - And I'm here.

And you know, if she wants to be a woman about it,

She'll call me instead of sending me an email.

Yeah, that's weak.

A mass email.

What the fuck? [ALIEN SOUNDS]

Let her go!

[GUNSHOTS]

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]

GUY ON RADIO: Multiple homicides in progress

At the Shimmering Beaver.

Chief, did you hear that?

Looks like we might have the wrong man.

No!

Holy cannoli.

No, that guy's got it all wrong.

I hope Ivanna didn't go back there by herself.

I'm the one that killed those bitches and I'll do it again.

Sergeant Dance.

Sergeant Dance come in.

Someone's taking credit for my shit!

Ivanna, do you read me?

Shit, I think she went back there by herself.

Better call for back up.

Hit the lights. Doublestump.

[POLICE SIRENS]

Officer in need of assistance at the Shimmering Beaver.

All units respond. Ugh!

You guys have me!

Where are you guys going?

The jail's the other way.

I want to get ass raped by Aryans.

I wanna drop the soap.

I've always heard it's so much fun.

I wanna drop the soap!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

[SCREAMING]

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

What are you doing laying there?

Get up and show me what you got on stage!

[SPEAKING ALIEN]

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Up to the stage right now is the topless praying mantis

Monster and Ivanna.

[ALIEN SOUNDS]

Yes!

Travis!

Ivanna?

Are you okay?

I don't know, am I OK?

Am I OK?

What the hell has happened in here, Ivanna?

What happened?

You've got some big time explaining to do.

The killer!

I killed the killer! That's what happened!

I killed it right there!

Bitch!

I did it for Travis!

I did it for Travis!

Popo.

Call the meat wagon.

Tell the boys they're gonna pick up some overtime tonight.

This just in.

Strip club killer has been caught.

And it's a female.

- It's a female killer. - Oh, my god.

The public's going to love this.

Thank god.

- I mean... - Midgets.

And Jews.

But wait, wait.

It gets better.

She's not just a woman.

She's a stripper alien mantis creature, too.

Jackpot. Give me some claw.

Touchdown.

Eh.

Eh. Yes.

We will be live on the air 24/7 to give you

This exclusive coverage of the stripper alien mantis

Creature massacre.

And stick with us after the break

When our very own Jonathan Gottlieb explores a new level

Of underground animals.

Tight hold.

What's furry down there by my foot?

Moley molerstein.

[GRUNTING] [FARTING SOUNDS]

Goddamn!

[FARTING SOUNDS]

You know, every day, I get letters just like this one.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Dear Crap Keeper, please stop calling my home or I'll

Have you shot.

Best wishes, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Ew.

Ich.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

But every once in awhile, I get a letter like...

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Whew! Ah.

Like... like this.

Whew.

Uh...

Dear Crap Keeper, your films are so fucking retarded.

How do you get investors to continuously fund your garbage?

I hope you drown in your own shit

And die a long and horrible death.

Sincerely, Little Jimmy Picknoser.

Topeka, Kansas.

P.S. I hope a dog digs up your corpse and pees on it.

Oh, well. Oh, well, Jimmy.

Thanks for your great interest in independent film production.

Now today, we're going to show you how you, Little Jimmy,

Can make your own damn movie.

Yes, Make Your Own Damn Movie.

It's the hot new book by my good handsome friend, Lloyd Kaufman.

Available at Barnes and Noble, Borders, and fine bookstores

Everywhere.

And you know what you're going to need,

Jimmy... to start your film?

You know what you need to begin making your own damn movie?

You need a script.

Yes, a script is a blueprint for your movie.

And everything must be just so with a movie that Jimmy makes.

Now, let's see what kind of a script we're going to get.

[FARTING SOUNDS] Oh.

Ah.

Oah.

And Jimmy, your script is going to be What Women Want?

No way.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

You know, John Cassavetes always said a good movie

Comes from the heart.

So Little Jimmy, we're going to improvise.

Yes, Little Jimmy.

You're going to be improvising your movie.

Now, what you need next?

You need a location.

Locations are places where you produce your movie.

Your location might want to be a sunny and exotic place.

So Jimmy, let's produce your movie in...

[SCREAMING]

In sunny Jamaica!

Uh... Hm.

Uh... In a sunny crack house!

Now, your film is going to need a protagonist... a hero...

Someone that every man can identify with...

Can say, you know, that could be me.

And let's see now.

What... the protagonist... hm.

Protagonist hero.

Perhaps, hm, I don't know.

Maybe... maybe your protagonist could be say,

A gorgeous lesbian art student with an insatiable yearning

For sexual gratification.

I am a gorgeous lesbian art student

With an insatiable yearning for sexual gratification.

Wow.

And what's a protagonist without a love interest?

I'm another gorgeous lesbian art

Student with an unquenchable yearning

For sexual gratification.

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Excellent. Yeah.

[MOANING]

[INAUDIBLE]

You know, your story's going to need some kind of conflict.

A conflict.

That's the important thing.

You need something that the heroes can overcome.

An insurmountable goal, perhaps.

Now, your car.

Your car has broken down and you don't have a phone.

Then you have to call for a tow.

Our car is broken down.

And we need a phone to call for a tow.

Now, what kind of a story would this

Be if we didn't have a villain?

We need to have someone to stand in your way.

You're heroes.

We need a Moriarty for your Holmes.

A yin for your yang.

Whatever.

And of course, the yin to every lesbian's yang

Is a crackhead, totally hard up for voyeuristic

Lesbian activity.

Tada!

Yeah.

Ew!

No likey?

Well, did I mention that the surly crackhead just happens

To be a pre-op transsexual?

[SNORTING]

I'm a surly crackhead, totally hard

Up for a voyeuristic lesbian experience.

Did I mention that I'm a pre-op tranny?

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Over there. Harder.

[MOANING]

Now, you film students look carefully.

This is a gun.

And whenever the occasion arises,

Put a gun in your movie.

Audiences always are interested in guns,

Especially American audiences.

Whether you're doing a movie about... about

A raccoon family or about pre-op transsexuals,

Put a gun in your movie.

Now, pre-op transsexual, take this gun and on with the scene.

OK? Hurry up.

Hurry up. Scene.

Scene. Scene.

What do you pussy sniffers want?

Our car broke down and we need to use your phone.

If you need a fucking phone, I gotta a phone for you, bitch.

Great!

OK, now, now, now we need even more conflict.

More conflict.

Uh... uh... yeah, good.

More conflict. You hear that?

C'mon. Come up with some conflict.

All right? Ready?

Let's go! Go!

Action! Act, act, act!

We don't have any money.

No money?

No.

No money, no phone.

You cunts.

Well, there must be some way we can pay you?

I think we could arrange that.

I'm smelling some nice, dripping wet pussy.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Mm.

Smells like fine fudge-packed ass.

I think we could arrange something, cunts.

Take your fucking clothes off, now!

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

Blondie, I want your clothes off.

Take her clothes off.

Mm!

Suck her tits.

Yes.

How do you like that ass?

You like it? Mm.

Yeah.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Ah.

Now I'm a Hollywood brown nosing filmmaker.

[MOANING]

You know, this is probably a very good time

To talk about the musical score because your movies

Are going to need music.

You know, films and music are very, very related.

The symphony has rhythm.

A movie... editing has rhythm.

I think I've picked up some very, very appropriate music.

[MUSIC PLAYING - "SEXY CHICKEN SONG"]

Ugh.

Uh, how about this?

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS]

Now most films would probably end the scene rights here,

But this is a Troma movie.

And we don't know the meaning of overkill.

Yeah, I'm being serious.

We've never looked it up.

We don't even have a dictionary, but I digress.

I don't even know what digress means.

You know, to make this a real Troma movie,

We've got to come up with a certain twist,

Something unexpected.

A twist if you know what I...

No, no.

Not that kind of a twist, you wisenheimers.

I meant the filmmakers have to put

An unusual twist in the film.

Something the audience is not expecting.

A twist, uh...

The lesbians are vampires.

Nah.

No, no.

Vampires are much too trite.

This movie's going to have yet another twist.

We're going to have something that you, the audience,

Is never going to forget as long as ya live.

Action, winky!

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

Get over here, bitch!

Get over here.

[SCREAMING]

[MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

And that little, Brian McGrath, is how

You make your own damn movie.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And you know what would put this film over the top?

A topless 500 pound candygram!

Candygram for Crap Keeper!

Candygram for Crap Keeper!

Everyone, let's get freaky.

And fade out.

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I... Yeah, take it off of me. Huh?

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW"]

Heh heh heh heh, yeah.

Baby.

What're you looking at?

Oh! [LAUGHING]

- That chick's butt. - Ew!

I'm out of here, fellas.

I'm expecting some shit in the mail.

What?

Money for school.

That means we're celebrating tonight, right

I guess we should, huh?

All right.

I'm out of here, guys.

Back here in an hour?

Yep, an hour.

And so Timmy returned home, expecting

A letter from his dad.

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Dear Timmy,

Had an accident at the factory the other day.

My arms were ripped off.

Since we have no health care, I guess I can't pay

For your college tuition, boy.

But cheer up.

Looks like all those letters you received

From various scholarship programs you applied to... well,

I'm sure they'll pay for college.

So you and that fat kid... You have a great time.

Oh, yeah.

And also, that... the skinny guy, uh... the other guy.

Have fun with him, too.

Who the fuck casted those idiots anyway?

That fucking shit ass casting director.

I'm going to kill him.

Love, Dad.

I'm off to the gay bar now.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 1 (VOICEOVER):

We regret to inform you that you are

Not qualified for financial aid due to the fact that you're

White.

Shit.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 2 (VOICEOVER):

You have qualified for a full financial scholarship.

That's what I would have said if you were an aborted fetus.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 3 (VOICEOVER):

You're not special enough. Fuck!

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 4 (VOICEOVER): Declined

For drinking too much beer.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 5 (VOICEOVER): Not eligible.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Rejected.

Missed deadline.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Not black enough.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Homosexual.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Too gay.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 8 (VOICEOVER): You loser.

You stink.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 9 (VOICEOVER): Sorry, soldier.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Go back to Jersey.

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Not qualified.

[PHONE RINGS]

Tim can't come to the phone right now...

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Tiger.

It's your Dad.

They found my arm in a field in Texas

And I'll be using what little savings

We had to get it stitched on.

So I certainly can't pay for your tuition.

Cheer up.

There's still 30 minutes left of this movie.

Maybe that fat kid... he'll come up with some plot to raise

The money for your tuition. Fuck!

Fuck! TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Damn.

Calm the fuck down, you homo.

Hey, what are you doing?

That table's an antique.

Fuck college.

Who cares if all your friends will

Be more successful than you?

In fact, you don't care if you never have sex in your life,

Do you?

Any rate, I'll call you the next time there's a hole

In the plot of this movie.

[PHONE RINGS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Hey, Timbo.

It's Dad again.

I forgot to tell you.

Don't drink the Jack Daniels. I pee in it.

[BURPING]

Heh.

Just kidding, kid.

I peed in the beer.

Have you been bad?

I've been very bad.

Private shows, $50.

I got $50.

And so Little Timmy ordered a stripper.

Fucking loser.

Oh, everyone's going to school, except you!

[LAUGHING]

But me.

You have a stripper coming.

Heh heh heh. [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Oh, my god.

All right.

Who is it? Candygram!

What have I done?

D'oh, you ordered a stripper, you moron!

Hi.

I'm Demanda and this is a Guardo.

Guardo, why don't you wait in the car?

I'll handle this boy all by myself.

Don't forget to get the cookies and milk first.

Mhm.

Look at you.

I could eat you alive.

SAM (VOICEOVER): She reminded me of that girl

From the last movie.

Only this one was trouble.

Trouble with a capital V. A V for vampire.

Oh, wait.

Did I just give away a crucial plot point?

Uh, never mind.

Fresh meat.

Ah!

So what's your pleasure?

Some rough stuff?

Some S and M?

[MOANING]

Finger in your ass?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Or some anal beads?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Execution.

[PHONE RINGS]

How dare you talk back, you piece of shit!

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Timbo, it's Dad again.

I want to remind you to tape the hockey game.

How do you like these?

[BOINGING SOUND]

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): And... and maybe

You can wear a pair of pants that'll cover your stinkhole.

You never know when some crazy stripper's

Going to come along and shove a whip up your ass, right?

How do you think I met your mother?

Oh, god. Stop.

Stop!

Ooh, you've been a bad, bad boy!

Stop! That hurts!

You didn't study, piece of shit!

I'm going to be sick, lady.

Stop.

[MOANING]

Hey!

I wasn't done yet.

I'm sorry.

Money's at the table. Hey!

Hey, come back!

[VOMITING]

What the fuck?

Piece of shit's lunch money. Goddammit!

Hey, what the fuck?

[VOMITING]

If you don't come out, I'm gonna leave.

I'm sorry.

You can go ahead and leave.

The money's on... on the table.

Yeah.

What is this... a tip?

[VOMITING]

I'll be back, you fucking bookworm.

[VOMITING]

I feel like Karen Carpenter.

Hey, here's 50 for starters.

I'll get the rest.

You stupid bitch.

What did I tell you?

Get the cookies first.

I said I'd get it.

Do you think hair grows on trees?

Get the fucking cookies.

Don't go fucking rank on me, Guardo.

I'll kick your ass.

No cookies, no ride.

Fuck you in your ass.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

[VOMITING]

C'mon out of there, buddy.

We need to talk.

Money, my ass!

Ah!

[PHONE RINGS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Timbo.

It's Dad.

This scene is really boring.

Let's put some boner vision on the screen.

Easy, bitch. I'm hammered.

You need to come up with $250.

250 bucks?

In cab fare.

Where did you come up with that number?

The ad says $50.

$50 carpet cleaning.

$250 private shows.

Oh, my god, lady.

I'm so sorry.

You're not sorry until I'm done with you!

You'll never...

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]

I... I'll think of something.

I promise.

Oh, what the...

[LAUGHING]

Don't, guys.

Don't leave!

Don't leave.

What's going on here?

You boys need to come up with some cash

Or your buddy here is dust.

250 bucks plus cab fare.

What does he owe you for?

I dance and do role playing scenarios.

Get it? Nice.

You mean, you come in here and kick the shit out of him.

Oh, well I'm not usually as rough,

But I've just been ripped off!

What... what?

All his funding fell through.

You're fucking kidding me.

No, not kidding.

This means you can't come to college with us next year, Tim.

I know.

This fucks up the whole plan.

I need a ride home right fuckin' now.

What are you guys talking about?

And my money!

You understand?

Yes, yes I do.

Why don't you come with us?

Get out of my way and get me home!

Yes... yes, ma'am.

Hey, maybe there's time you can finish your performance

For me and Bill. Yeah!

I fucking think not.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]

We gotta figure something out.

Can't just let him stay here.

We'll figure something out.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

So much do you make on a good night?

I dunno, a grand or so.

[FARTING SOUNDS] Whoa.

They fucking what?

Guess how much she makes on a night of doing this shit.

I dunno.

500, 600?

Try over a grand.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

You thinking what I'm thinking? NARRATOR: Heh heh.

Yes, the boys were thinking the same thing.

With the exception of 10 pounds of mozzarella

And 30 naked schoolboys.

Yep, the guys deduced that the only way to get Tim to college

Was to form an elite society of gay ninjas

That would overthrow the government.

Heh heh heh.

But we couldn't find any ninjas in the Topeka area

So the guys decided to throw a fundraising party where Julie

And friends would strip and the proceeds would

Pay for Tim's college tuition.

Selling tickets for an all night stripper bash

At Tim's house tomorrow night. NARRATOR: Heh heh.

That's what I just said.

Would you do it for two?

2,000 and you got a deal.

[TEARS CHECK]

Here you go.

NARRATOR: And there goes Julie's strange vagina,

Paid for by the good people of the Bush re-election committee.

You'll never find me, American swine.

NARRATOR: Back at the vampire mansion... Poontang,

The studio's Vietnamese vampire art student was performing

Her interpretive dance on the fall of Saigon

And how napalm causes vampirism.

Did you bring the marshmallows?

Well, hello, Demanda.

Welcome home.

Where the hell is Guardo?

He's out back.

[WHIPPING] [SCREAMING]

Ow! Watch the hair, bitch.

You don't even know what bitch means!

Ow!

Ooh, what's in here?

Sucker mother fucker!

How dare you fucking leave me at a place like that?

Did Demanda forget the cookies again?

Yep, and she headed straight for Guardo's room.

I'm going to make mince meat out of you.

That's what I'm gonna do.

You're gonna be sorry that you ever laid eyes on a woman

Like me.

You little bald head piece of shit,

Goatee wearing mother fuckin' tattoo piece of ass fucker.

You pissed me off.

I'm sorry.

I fucked up, OK?

Jesus.

- He's so fucked! - I know.

What's eating her anyway?

Should I cut your dick off or should

I just aim for your guts?

Hm?

Ah, my shirt! Whoa.

Stupid piece of shit.

Did you just do what I think you did?

I hope so.

He was creep.

Stupid piece of shit.

Let's get these clothes off you.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Oh, that's so sexy.

It turns me on.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, my name is Oliver Stone.

I am a filmmaker.

Some people say I directed this scene here

And Tuition of the Terror Twat.

And the feeling I was going for was to really evoke the emotion

Of what it means to be a vampire in today's

Modern oppressive society.

What I did was... I decided to light it

In this horrible green light and make it completely unwhackable,

Which is sort of what I was going

For to... to show the sickness of being a lesbian

And being a vampire.

And I think the emotion I got was

Repulsion, sensuality, motion sickness, and... and assholes.

Uh, it was important to get the shot of the woman's ass

To show that we really are, uh... at the end, so to speak,

Of existence.

And the asshole sort of... is sort

Of a symbol of... sort of the apex of where we're all headed.

Into this small, black hole and we

Don't know what's going to come out of it

Or what's coming into it.

As the, uh, poet laureate, um... uh, Dan Schnurman, said,

Um... in his famous poem.

Shitty, shitty lighting.

Shitty lighting.

Oh, how it ruins a shitty movie.

I think it... it... oh, OK.

We're rounding up and we realized that the, um...

The vampires clothed Julie Strain and I...

And it was very interesting to work with them.

We didn't need him anyway.

We didn't?

Hell no.

Tomorrow night we work and we feast.

Really?

We'll tease and we'll taste.

I'm hungry.

Soon your teeth will be biting into

Their thick, buttery flesh.

Me so hungry.

Why don't you girls go and get a little appetizer?

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Pu pu platter?

There's enough of Guardo to go around.

[BURPING]

I saved the big pieces for you two to fight over.

Yeah!

But don't forget to eat the bones.

I don't feel like digging any holes tonight.

Except my own.

[GRUNTING] Fucker.

Where's the duck sauce?

[INAUDIBLE]

BORIS KAMINSKI (VOICEOVER): My name is Boris Kaminski.

I director of photography.

Idea for the scene here... Make look very ugly.

We would shoot bad framing, bad light.

Focus on wrong character and shoot against open window.

The idea was to make it look very amateur.

It have to look shitty.

We're throwing a stripper party here tonight.

What, are you guys on fucking crack?

It's your scholarship party.

- Yes! - I told you.

I didn't get a scholarship.

Dude, we're raising money.

No.

Don't... don't... don't start.

D-d-d-d-don't worry about it, Tim.

We won't tell anybody.

I don't know, guys.

This doesn't sound like a good idea at all.

What are you worried about?

I'm gonna get my ass kicked if my... if my dad finds...

Your dad's going to kill you when he figures out

You're not going to college because you

Missed the fucking deadline.

If he finds out that I had a party and I'm

Not getting into school.

Because we're throwing a stripper party for you, OK?

And you're getting into college.

This has nothing to do with college.

You're getting people here... You just want to see strippers.

This is for you going to college.

You're gettin' pussy. You're gettin' laid.

You're gettin' fucking fucked up every night for four years,

And then you're gonna get a fucking degree, baby.

With us!

This is going to rock!

So let's Shaq attack!

Check it.

Whassup, fellas?

- Watch out. - What are you doing?

Whassup?

Y'all want to see some fine ass bitches tonight?

Yo, do you know this guy?

All right, if they start kicking his ass, I'm leaving.

Don't be leaving me hanging.

You know what I'm saying? Ahem.

Ahem.

Y'all want to come to the party or what?

Get lost.

Fellas.

For 100 bucks... intimate contact with three fine ass bitches.

Check it.

- Let me see that. - Check it.

All right, home boy.

But I'm not going anywhere with you talking like that.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, OK. OK.

Oh, fuck.

- You got me. - OK.

You got me. You got me.

Thank you.

And she's going to be there?

Yes.

OK.

Fellas, I'll see you there.

[LAUGHING] All right.

What do you think?

All right, stop.

Let's go raise some money for Tim.

And let's make some freaking money.

Hey, man.

We're going to have a stripper party.

You wanna come? Hey, buddy.

Want to see some strippers?

Hey, Jews for stripper parties?

Hey, come to my... oh.

Strippers!

Want to help a poor white boy go to college?

Come to my party tonight.

You think maybe I'll see your balls at the stripper party?

Are there going to be comic books there?

Strippers.

Oh, you gotta just pay 100 bucks.

Are you showing your cute little butt?

Huh? Yeah, yeah.

I'll strip for you if you're paying.

Jerry!

Here's $100.

I'll see you later, complete stranger.

$33!

That'll totally pay for college! Cherine!

Why did you turn off the editing machine?

The movie is great.

What's wrong with you?

We gotta hurry up.

Michael Hirsh is going to kill us

If we don't finish this movie.

This story doesn't make sense whatsoever.

What are you talking about?

The script is perfectly logical.

Do you think this kid's going to collect that kind of money

From some stupid, lame ass stripper party?

Who the hell would pay over $100 for some stupid party

When they can go out and get a blow job for a mere $20?

This story is a big pile of shit, OK?

The conflict of the story is bogus.

Why couldn't he just go out and get a student loan

Or go to a community college?

Or for god's sakes, go and get a job.

This story is a big pile of shit.

It's crap. It's shit.

- You... you want shit? - No, I don't!

You want shit?

The Crap Keeper is going to give you shit, Cherine.

Here we go. No, don't do that.

[GRUNTING]

[FARTING SOUNDS]

[SCREAMING]

Look at it.

It's warm and it's wet and it's for you!

[LAUGHING]

You're going to die!

OK, Debbie Rochon.

Now I think it's your turn to be the new editor!

Let's go back to editing Tales from the Crapper.

OK. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Here we go. Here we go.

I say that we do the long shot over there.

This is going to be the greatest party.

Yeah, we'll see.

This place is going to get trashed.

I'm going to get in trouble.

Dude.

Relax.

I got Jimmy covering the door tonight.

What?

You're kidding.

Jimmy?

Yeah.

Not your brother, Jimmy.

Why not?

Dude.

I know he's your brother and all.

But that guy's the biggest fucking loser.

I mean, come on.

All he does is talk about how much pussy he gets

And how big his cock is.

BRUCE FANCY (VOICEOVER): Hello, I'm Bruce Fancy.

I was the, um, set designer here on this film.

And this scene, I just wanted to talk about the bucket

In the middle of the frame.

I felt that it was important to put a bucket in the movie.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice.

This movie cost how much?

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Big Breasted Lesbian

Vampires who are going to kill our heroes... uh, I mean,

Whose mysterious plans are unknown.

You girls ready?

Not really.

Hey, I was wondering if vampires menstruate?

Why, yes they do.

In fact, vampires often drink each other's menstrual blood.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[SCREAMING]

Piece of shit.

Fucker.

You guys are here early.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

I smell shit.

Oh, wow.

What's your name?

Sunshine.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, uh, this is Oliver Stone again.

This is my favorite scene in the movie.

Without a doubt, the best scene.

It's, um, the Ron Jeremy improv comedy scene

Where we just let the cameras roll and he uh...

Heh heh heh heh. See that?

I mean, look at that.

He's great.

We just let the cameras roll and... I'm

Still laughing about it... Just how good he was.

Uh, and like he was given a skeleton.

[LAUGHING] Look at him.

Look at him. He's great.

And everything he did... it's just from... from his own mind.

I don't know why you got to listen to my boring monotonous

Commentary.

Then you have Ron here.

Uh, you really should switch over

To track one and just listen to what he has to say

Because this is comedy, folks.

He's very funny.

Um, you know we were actually... look at that.

See? Isn't he good?

Kudos to Ron.

Kudos to the crew.

And kudos to my lighting guy for... for lighting

That giant halo over his head there.

[SHOUTING]

NARRATOR: Attention, party goers.

Today's party attendance is a record 2,000.

Chug, chug, chug!

Fucking chug it. You will suck it.

Chug, chug, chug!

Barney Gumple is a very big agent.

And this family comes into Barney Gumple's office

And is a mother, father, daughter, and a son,

And their dog, right?

This really happened.

Where's the fucking salsa?

I need some fucking salsa!

Barney Gumple says, what do you guys do?

And they said, well, let's just show you.

And the dad takes down his pants and the son starts

Sucking the dad's dick, right?

And... which is weird.

Hey! [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Shut up in there!

Shut up in there!

But then the mom gets down on her knees

And starts fisting the dog's ass, right?

C'mon. Don't be shy.

Silicone doesn't hurt.

How about a shaved pussy?

I don't know about that.

Um, guys?

Shut up, Tim.

And then the son takes a crap on the floor.

The mom takes the son's crap and smears it

All over the daughter's ass, which

Then the dad eats out, right?

This is great.

You stay right there.

Oh ho ho, yeah.

Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass.

[FARTING SOUNDS] Oh, my god.

Let me teach you something.

Dude, I'm getting tied up!

The mother eats that, and then shits on the floor,

Then jacks off the son.

The son comes all over the dog.

The daughter licks the come off the dog.

The dog then takes a shit on the son.

No, I'm sorry.

The dog takes a shit on the daughter.

Wait, no. Let's start over.

You boys can resist and stay put

While we go dance for your other homo friends out there.

We'll have a big surprise for you when you get back.

Keep those cocks hard or we'll cut 'em off.

Ah.

Fucking ass.

LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER): Greetings from Tromaville.

This is Lloyd Kaufman.

Now, in this scene, I actually had a bit of a dispute

With the editors.

They had this weird idea that... that we should

Move the story along and... and, uh...

What the heck's that all about?

I felt that whilst the women in this film

Are rather attractive, the lesbian scenes just don't

Have the magic, the spark.

And we got lucky during some reshoots.

The winner of the Beat the Geeks' Get Killed in a Troma

Movie contest... she happened to enjoy being with the nice buff

Gal on the left.

And hey, what's better than that?

Who needs story?

Who needs plot when you got the hot lesbian action?

Look at that.

Now that's filmmaking. [SLAPPING SOUNDS]

Look... Look at it. Yeah, yeah.

Look at it. Ooh, ooh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm a good director. Ah.

Oh. Ah, ah.

[SPLOOGING] Ahem.

Um, yes.

Well, I guess I'm finished with my commentary

And, uh... let's go back to the stupid movie now.

Anybody got a Kleenex around here?

[SHOUTING]

C'mon!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Or somebody talk to somebody.

C'mon! Dude.

These chicks are wild, man. I'm telling you.

The dad's balls, right?

And the son goes down and starts jacking off the dad.

The dad goes down and starts fisting the daughter.

The daughter's getting fisted also by the mother.

The mother stops and shits all over the floor.

The dog...

I wonder what's going on out there.

I don't know, but it's making me horny.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Guys, I'm free.

Tim, what are you doing?

Tie yourself back up, bitch!

Sit your ass back in that fucking chair.

The father spits the dog come in the mother's mouth.

The mother shits the dog come out on the daughter.

The brother licks it off, and then

They all jump down in the shit and piss

And come and just fuckin' suck the shit out of each other.

And then they finally stand up and say, tada!

And... and the agent says, well, that's... that's an interesting

Act. What do you call yourselves?

And the father says, the Aristocrats.

[CRICKETING]

[SHOUTING]

Hey, this isn't the Lipschitz bar mitzvah.

But they got some strippers over there.

[SCREAMING]

Those strippers are vampires!

[SCREAMING]

The Aristocrats. Don't you get it?

It's a joke.

Salsa for my guts!

Salsa for my guts!

Put some fucking salsa in my gut.

[SCREAMING]

Was that a scream?

Yes, that was a scream.

Oh man, these girls are good.

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: Attention, party goers.

Note the irony.

[BURPING]

[FARTING SOUNDS]

We got bad chicken.

It's heading straight for the stinkhole!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: Oh, my god.

He's got a cock in his ass.

Oh, shit!

Taxi! Taxi!

Something's going on.

I gotta check it out.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

What the heck are you doing, bitch?

Oh, my god!

Chug, chug, chu...

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god. Don't fucking touch me, OK?

Stop that. Stop.

Thank you. Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chu...

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

What the fuck is going on?

What... what the fuck? Hey, Timmy.

What the fuck is this?

Get out.

Guys, get out.

Timmy, what's going on?

I don't like the look of this here.

This sucks.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come on.

[ROARING] [FARTING SOUNDS]

Oh, please, ladies. Stop it.

Really.

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[FARTING SOUNDS]

What is so quiet in there?

Fuck, it's dead in there.

Hey. Come on.

A beer.

Something.

It's about time.

Hey.

Oh, god. Oh, god!

Are you Ron Jeremy?

Oh, god!

Oh, god!

[ROARING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Tim.

It's your dad.

And hopefully this will be the last time you hear

From me in this shitty movie.

Got some news for you.

Grandma's dead!

And she left you a few million dollars for school.

So whatever you do, don't have a stripper party.

Hope this message gets to you in time

So we can have an ironic twist in this movie.

And I'm still going to kill that fucking casting director who

Put that fat kid with a raccoon in this movie

And that other kid.

Love, Dad.

So what do you say?

Let's eat.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, uh, this is Oliver Stone again.

Now, uh, we are at the closing of the, uh, film.

Uh, you may have some questions as to why I chose to end

It in such a obscure bleak way.

And I guess... I guess my answer is, uh, time

Travel movies never make sense.

[MUSIC - "THUNDER AND LIGHTNING POLKA"]

Well, we've reached a conclusion to our merriment,

Tales from the Crapper.

And I'll tell you that in the annals of history,

There has never been a motion picture like Tales

From the Crapper.

And what more fitting... a location

For the climactic ending of Tales from the Crapper,

But the ground zero of independent cinema...

Park City, Utah, land of the Sundance Film Festival.

And we believe that Robert Redford himself has personally

Selected Tales from the Crapper to be

The opening film of the 2000 of... buh buh

Buh... Sundance Film Festival.

Well, that about wraps it up.

I... I don't think there's anything

Else left to say, except... ah.

There it is.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

I've been eating a lot of asparagus

Up here in the mountains of Sundance

And my pee is just the right color.

Mm.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

Oh.

[MUSIC - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, this is Oliver Stone.

I'd like to state for the record,

Uh, I had nothing to do with this film, Tales

From the Crapper.

Uh, in fact, this is a poor imitation of my voice.

Uh, and it's, uh, further proof that, uh... it was in fact

Lloyd Kaufman is the naked Indian who killed President

Kennedy on the lawn that fateful day... December 32, 1922,

In Dallas, while listening to The Doors.