Original subtitles

Hello once again.

I am agent Morris with the NSA. And this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

You three are a great interest to the US Guvernament,

as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

I mean, this is wild 'cause we were just three gals roadtripping

to a hot sauce exto and now we're VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Yeah, I would just like to say for the record,

Pentagon has always been my favorite shape,

so this is a real treat for me.

All right, good to hear.

Now, let's start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Well, we had pulled over on the side of the highway

just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was enveloped by this warm blue light.

And it gently lifted us on to the ship like we was floating.

Then we met aliens made of pure energy. Almost like angels, sir.

I just about cried.

And you, Ms. Rafferty?

- Yeah, same. - Oh, really?

No, obviously not.

Yeah, I wasn't so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward

by some sort of claw machine device, and mind you,

I'm popping a squat on the median at the time

so I slide right out of my slacks and I'm become rocketed up to the ship

with my coutcoutin in the air.

I barely managed to pull my wonder wear back up.

I'm sorry, your wonder wear?

Yeah, I call them that because if you saw them, you'd wonder where they'd been.

Anyway, I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship,

and I see my old pals, the little gray aliens with the big dumb eyes.

And it hits me, Colleen,

this may be the most stable relationship you've ever had.

That's unfortunate. Now, once you were on board, what happened?

Well, the aliens showed us, like, the five elemental forces

that knit the fabric of reality together.

And y'all will never believe this,

but those phi forces were arrange in the a pentagon.

Like, there is a universal language that bonds the universe together,

and the closest word we have to describe it is love.

And you, Ms. Rafferty?

Yeah, a little different down in third class.

I get on board and the gray aliens, god bless them, they're already standing

in line to bat my knockers around, so I think what the hell, play the hits, right?

So I start unbuttoning my blouse, but I'm in my skivvis, which are real loose.

So, my itsy and bitsy are in full view, not to get too graphic,

but pubically speaking, it's a jungle down there.

I've got more hair poking out the side than a hipster's beard

stuffed into an N-95.

I'm not proud of it, but, hey, why clean the house if nobody's coming over, right?

Thank you, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account.

Now, what happened next with the energy beings?

Well, the aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities

can coexist at once.

Yeah, and, like, how the different realities converging in one spot

where all the love of every being exists forever,

kind of what we would call heaven.

What?

All right, no. So, these two are hanging with Doctor Strange and the multiverse,

meanwhile, I'm stuck with the madness.

Back in economy, word is out about my Harry's fodder.

And the grays are all a buzz.

These are pointing at my down there hair, and they're like kinda...

Elbowing each other like, are you guys seeing this?

So, the group's reaction was one of excitement?

Yeah, like when a dog... like a dog when its owner comes home from work.

It was bedlam, okay?

They're running around, they're waving their arms like Kermit the frog,

making weird little noises like...

And then one of these little bastards runs up and...

I'm sorry, Carla, I got to use you here.

Plucks one right out, starts showing it off.

Now, suddenly my curlies have become the must-have item of the season,

and they're flying off the shelf.

They're grabbing and plucking and grabbing and plucking,

climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the "Titanic."

And were you unsettled by this at all?

No. Honestly the entire time, all I could think was, damn,

that fortune teller was dead on.

- Did you guys get any of that pube stuff? - No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Hey, don't apologize. First time in my life I'm ready for bikini season.

Again, very detailed. Well, how were you returned to earth?

There was another soft light that just washed over me,

and I was instantly back to where I was before.

Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Okay, see, now, that really rips my nips.

Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short,

right so I dropped 20 feet and land ass up

with my dong hole and wrong hole out in the middle of a field.

And what happened next?

The Umpire called timeout and the Mets security staff took me out of the stand.

Not the most embarrassing thing I've done on a jumbotron.

Well, that was a riveting testimony, but there is something you should all know.

We have been in contact with the beings.

They have offered the U.S. Government access to some of their technology

if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Well, I can read the room. It's me, right?

Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

Well, Earth,

I love you.

Thanks for letting me stay a while.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Musical guest, Japanese Breakfast.

And your host, Natasha Lyonne.

Ladies and gentlemen Natasha Lyonne!

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

My name is Natasha Lyonne, and I also wish I was Harry Styles.

Gosh. Will you look at this?

I'm hosting the season finale of "Saturday Night Live".

For a real New Yorker like me, that's big. I have a show called "Russian doll".

The second season of "Russian doll" just premiered on Netflix,

and two things you definitely want to be associated with right now

are Russia and Netflix.

You know, it's my first time hosting and I'm genuinely humbled to be here.

The truth is, I feel a cosmic connection to SNL.

The people here are my real-life chosen family.

I have been coming here since I was a teenager.

I cocreated "Russian doll" with Amy Poehler. And I have great friends...

I have great friends from the show.

- Are you busy? - Right now? No, not at all.

I thought we could try our Natasha Lyonne impressions for you.

We do good impressions of you when you're not around.

- Congratulations. Ipso facto. - That's good.

Yeah, yeah. How are you? All right.

It's a dynamite sweater. Cockaroach.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

Alright.

Freddy and I dated for seven years.

We're the only couple who had a sex tape nobody wanted to buy.

God, I love this place. SNL combines everything I like.

New York City, show business, people who have done the same thing since the '70s,

and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it.

I mean, I'm a New York City kid and a showbiz baby.

Weird story, but while I have you, listen to this.

So, I'm born in New York. Doesn't matter what year.

Early '80s probably. Everything is brown.

Most automobiles are long and banana colored.

My parents get this big idea that I have a future in show business,

so I start auditioning.

A lot of casting directors are looking for a little orphan Annie type

who talks like Dederamon.

Here's a clip from one of my earliest roles.

Hi, Elvis. Hi, Cher.

Hi, Pee Wee.

- We've got a new member. - Her name is Opal.

- Hi. - Hi.

Yeah.

I got to say, my best work to date.

So, I do some TV. My mom and moved to the Upper East Side.

Suddenly I'm in the movies. I was in all those '90s movies,

American Pie, American Pie 2. American Pie and the multieverse of madness.

Etcetera. And cult favorite "But I'm a cheerleader."

So, things are going great and knock knock, who's there?

Multiple arrests and drug addiction. Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back.

Life was rough.

But like when Fabio was on that roller coaster and the bird flew into his face...

Hey, do we have a photo of that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like when Fabio, when that happened,

I brushed myself off and I got back on the ride.

And now I'm here. All right?

Sure, I'm conflating events, glossing over entire decades, but I'm here.

And I'll tell you what I found. There's always hope and despair

and there's always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day.

We got a great show. Japanese Breakfast is here.

Stick around and we'll be right back.

My name is Davis, and I'm stupid.

Hi. I'm Joanne.

And for as long as I can remember, I've been a stupid person.

I'm Tim, and my parents are both stupid. I'm stupid, and my grandson is stupid.

Nearly 1 in 5 U.S. adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

I'm just plain stupid.

I always knew I was different.

Things that were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained.

Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

I don't need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool.

I guess that's stupid.

Most people, like me, go their whole lives without ever knowing they're stupid,

but we're everywhere. We drive your buses. We run companies.

- I write laws. - And I don't even know what I do.

I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window.

A stained glass window.

Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

- Being stupid is not a choice. - It's not a choice.

It's a choice.

Just because you are a stupid person doesn't mean you don't have a voice.

- So, get out there. - Get out there.

- And vote. - And vote.

- Let your voice be heard. - Vote.

- Vote. - I'm stupid, and I vote.

I vote. And I am very stupid.

Wait. This ain't my grandson.

My stupid vote counts as much as anybody else.

And sometimes way more, like in my county.

- So don't let them stop you. - Don't let them confuse you.

Somebody will say something, and then somebody will say something else.

It's just too much.

You can vote. You can buy a gun.

You can buy all the guns.

I watch one channel, and I get so mad.

My son's wife is a smart person. She's tearing us apart.

- Vote. - Get out there.

Vote every day if you have to.

It's not like they ask if you're stupid.

Nobody should have to learn things that they don't want to.

I vote for donkeys. But sometimes I like elephants.

I want a candidate that smiles at me.

The computer screen says prove you're not a robot, so I cut myself.

Somebody said a joke and I'm like, is that real?

My screen time is 14 hours a day.

But they don't know I have another phone.

- Vote. - Vote.

- Vote. - Dance.

- Vote. For a tall man. - Vote.

Because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Wait, this is my grandson.

No score as we head into the bottom of the third, Yankees-White Sox.

Lyle O'Riley for WNYX alongside hall of famer Biz Newsom.

- Gorgeous day for a ball game! - It is.

Before we get back to the action on the field,

let's go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Smackman's department store.

Where did you get that plain brown suit and plain brown hat?

Well, Smackman's of course. Back to the ball game.

Thank you, Walt.

Glad you made it in today.

I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning?

Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works.

Luckily, my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called

methamphetamine.

- Yeah, it just knocks my cold right out. - Well, glad you're feeling better.

I'm excited. I am feeling very chatty.

And I feel like I want to talk about everything forever.

Okay. Sounds like this methamphetamine medicine did the trick.

And Gene Woodling comes to the plate.

15 for 25 this season against lefty pitchers.

- Not bad for an alcoholic. - Don't say, that Biz.

Hey, you seen Woodling's wife? Mamma mia, okay.

22 years old, the push on that woman.

I am like a soldier's haircut, high and tight.

Let's not talk about another man's wife like that.

Here's the pitch.

- It's out of here! - Except it's not.

- Pop fly directly over home plate. - You know what?

I'm going take another cold pill so I don't get stuffy.

Okay, sounds good, Biz.

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate.

Or should I say, Mr. Marilyn Monroe?

How the hell, did Joe DiMaggio,

the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that broad?

Watch the language, Biz.

You know he's Italian, right? Italians aren't even white.

Okay! Please, don't say that, Biz. And here's the pitch.

Line drive at third.

- And it's out of here! - No, it's not. It is not.

- But DiMaggio easily makes it to first. - Oh, yeah.

Question... how much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe's bed sheets?

Okay, I'm not going to answer, that because that is inappropriate.

Oh, no, it's not. Inappropriate would be something like,

how do you fit four hookers onto a chair? Turn it upside-down.

Oh, my God. No, Biz.

How about a sponsor I.D.? Walt?

Today's coverage is brought to you by Mitchum, the businessman's scotch.

Thank you, Walt. One out, runner on first.

Rookie Mickey Mantle coming to the plate.

Another fool's hound.

A lot of folks say this kid's power reminds them about a young Babe Ruth.

You heard the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right?

Hello.

Of course.

Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth.

- It's a real shame, because it's... - Maybe lay off that cold medicine.

- Mantle squaring up at the plate. - What the hell, right?

Okay, So,w e're down the road in Cleveland.

- The pitch is low ball one. - It's midnight after the game.

Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else?

- Whores and hot dogs. - Please stop. And right lines up.

Okay, so nothing's open. Babe is starving.

The pitch ball two.

So he sees this street urchin kid, about 10 years old,

- and Babe Ruth, he ate him. - No.

No, he did not.

- Babe Ruth was so hungry... - No.

- That he ate a child alive! - No, he did not.

- And that is ball three. - He did.

- He did not. - He did. Clothes and all.

No. Babe Ruth was famously kind to children.

3-0's is count.

- Well, he ate one. - No!

If you're listening to this and you're in your car and stuck in traffic,

- I have an idea. Just gun it. - Don't do that.

- Slam the gas and see what happens. - No. He's joking. Don't do that.

- I'm not! - Ball four. Bases loaded.

I have some observations on different races.

No, no, no.

- Let's hear from our sponsor. - I kind of want to hear this.

And so I pulled up my pants and I said I'll see you at work

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Kingston Residence Inn.

Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio.

So glad you joined our big kickoff to summer celebration.

We got a hot show to get back to, but before we do, my allergies are exploding.

Can I ask if anyone has Nasonex?

Just a little squirt of Nasonex? Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex.

It would really get me through this experience.

I'll put a condom on the nasal insert so it doesn't get infected.

Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly?

I have asked for Nasonex at least 11 times.

Nas-o-nex?

- No? - Nobody has it, Treece.

Okay, fine.

Tweedle Dee roll Tweedle Dee bun

Soon we'll eat hamburgers in the summer sun

All right. Let's meet the band.

On keyboard, it's Brad Dates.

And his last name is Dates, but he hasn't had one in six years.

I've been married for ten, Treece.

Hey, this is just show patter. I don't know.

- Also here tonight, it's Helen. - I'm Helen. I don't play an instrument.

I'm just here to dance.

Well, we love Helen helping out the band.

And finally, on harmonica, it's my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Watch me blow this.

Yeah! Cassie, yes!

That was fire, Cassie Marie.

I thought you would be phoning it in tonight

considering the state I found you in this morning.

Oh, no. That's between us, Treece.

I told you everything is fine.

Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Okay, Treece, I don't want to talk about that here.

- My tears are my business. - Yeah, boundaries, Treece.

But I care about her emotional state.

- Treece, zip it. - Okay, fine!

Summerty this, bake pigs and yes! Put on a thong and spread all your summer sass!

All right. How is everybody doing tonight? How about you, lovely couple?

Oh, we're not a couple. I'm gay and she's my psychic.

Yeah, and the spirit world is telling me that

your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

I knew it. Spill the beans, Cassie Marie.

Oh, ho! There is nothing to spill, and there's no such thing as psychics.

- It's someone with an R name. - What?

So there's a R in your life? Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

- It is not R. Kelly. - That's good news.

Tweedle Dee hot no kids in school

I want to make friends with somebody who has a pool

Treece, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a nest cam alert.

Oh, my goodness. Pull out your phone.

- Treece, you're killing the vibe. - Just do it.

It's your nest cam. There's someone in your front yard.

She was right again.

You two! Get out of here with your devil business!

Oh, no, I paid $4 for both of these seats.

We're not going anywhere, honey.

Who is that in your yard? He's wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

- That's an R name! - Yes, it's my ex, Ronald.

Well, that explains the tee. Wait, what's he doing now?

- He's in the closet bedroom. Yes. - What?

But that's my closet bedroom. That's where I put my fashionware.

He must think they're mine.

He's going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Oh, no, he has my Bottega Veneta Fanny pack.

You can't burn that! That's my Bottega Veneta.

- But it's a knockoff, Treece. - Oh, you shut up!

- Treece, they're just clothes. - You're just clothes.

And her ex-boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta

and set it on fire and walk away and snap.

- Now, call him and tell him to'stop. - Okay, just for you, Treece.

Hello, Ronald. What did you say to me?

No, you're garbage! I don't care.

Burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want!

- No! That was not the plan. - I'm sorry, Treece.

- I'll buy you all new stuff tomorrow. - You can't. You're poorer than me.

My Bottega Veneta!

Tweedledee hot Yard for the buzz

I'm cutting you off of all of my summer songs

- No! - Yes!

Well, all good things must come to an end, including this prom.

But we've got a couple songs left. So let's make them count.

Class of 2002, how y'all feeling?

Hard to believe it's been 20 years since that night.

After graduation, we all went our separate ways,

but I still like to think about my old friends and smile.

Shelly Hines graduated first in our class, then went to Harvard,

where she graduated dead last. I guess our high school just wasn't that good.

Tessa White got married and had two beautiful daughters.

And one fat ugly son.

As for Rachel Finster, well, the less said about her the better.

Dana Miguel made good on her promise to hike the Appalachian Trail.

She remains missing to this day.

Trena Dash played D-1 soccer in college and won a national championship.

She should have been happy, but she never got over Rachel Finster

sleeping with her dad.

Darius Caldwell eventually made it to the pros...

professional pornography.

He's worked with all the greats, even Rachel Finster.

As for Carly Hill, she moved to West Virginia after high school

and married a miner, a coal miner who was 16 years old.

Billy Mandel followed his dreams.

Unfortunately, he only dreamed about killing his grandparents.

Dougie Finnegan never stopped inventing things,

and eventually one of those inventions made him rich.

Fentanyl. Maybe you heard of it? Rachel Finster sure has.

Class sweethearts Becca and Robbie made a vow to lose their virginity that night.

And they both did.

To the deejay.

Some people had happier stories, like Natalie Turner,

who was granted the first gay marriage license in the state.

We all went to the wedding,

even Rachel Finster, who was there protesting with her hateful church.

Seven years later, Jeff Ahmed reached out to Rachel

to try to talk sense and her, and it worked.

They started dating and moved in together.

His body was never found.

Some of our friends surprised us.

Carla Andretti followed her mother's footsteps all the way

to the US capitol building, on January 6th.

How can we forget Amy Fulton?

I'm not sure how, but we all did.

Just completely forgot about her like she didn't exist.

Then there's Peter Liu, who left a huge mark on Broadway

after he threw himself off the roof of the Winter Garden Theater protesting.

Herschel Williams, he became a writer.

His first brook, "Friend of the devil, growing up with the Rachel Finster,"

was a best seller.

Time took us all in different directions.

For a brief moment, we were all there together dancing the night away

with our whole lives ahead of us.

Except for me.

I was murdered by Rachel Finster,

and my soul cannot cross over until she is brought to justice.

Ladies and gentlemen, Japanese Breakfast.

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

- Good evening, everyone. - Welcome to "Weekend Update."

- I'm Michael Che. - I'm Colin Jost.

Well at last year's finale it seemed like Covid was fading,

and I said we're about to have the horniest summer ever.

And now, summer's hottest STD is Monkeypox.

That's how weird and bad things have gotten.

The stock market is crashing, there's a war in Europe,

everyone on This is Us is about to croak.

The future is looking pretty bleak.

I mean you'd have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now.

I mean, I just did, but don't worry, I've been hoarding baby formula.

Recent reports show that Fox News host Tucker Carlston,

seen here bragging about how big it is,

has repeatedly pusjed the theory that Democrats

wanna replace white people with minorities.

But that doesn't even make sens because white people still exist.

It's not like they suddenly turn into minorities. Unless it's Halloween.

Tucker Carlson's got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories,

because if he thinks the government has a secret plot to help minorities

he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

Representative Liz Chaney attacked the House Geo-P leadership

saying they've enabled white supremacy and anti-semitism.

House leadership rejected Cheney's attacks calling them cheaper than a black rabbi.

Right wing election denier Doug Mastriano,

whose face appears to be photoshopped on to a hot dog

won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for Governor

and said if he's elected he'd be so far to the right

he'd make Ron Desantis look like a centrist.

Instead of what Desantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the scool musical.

Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly

exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet, saying,

'If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment,

this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30-year career

that it comes to light.'

Ooh, sorry, we were looking for a simple "Did not do it".

The answer was, Did not do it.

Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump

has endorsed candidates in the primaries who are not qualified.

For instance, his pick for Attorney General

is literally '90s action star Steven Segal.

Now, that's not true,

but what does it say about Trump that you didn't doubt it for a second?

Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on

black market baby formula,

which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU's graduation ceremony this week,

because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift.

You're still going to be paying for it decades later.

Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book

about alleged voter fraud in the Presidential elections.

The book wil contain 8,000 commas and no periods.

With Covid restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad.

Here with his tips for romantic international getaways

is a guy who just bought a boat.

Guess who's got two tickets to bumping thighs? Yes!

Alright, man. I'm already regretting this.

- But let's hear some of your travel tips. - You got it.

Let's talk best place to get the best lays on vacays. M'kay?

Take your new girl to the old world.

The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants.

And if a nude beach is an appealing featch

head down to the French skivviera to see Nice cans.

Soon she'll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her part.

I have a small penis.

Don't just stay in France, as many women told me,

you've got to move around down there.

So hop a train, Euro Rail is your ticket to euro tail.

So many choice stops. Maybe try Berlin to reel her in.

And before you know it you'll be exploring her Black Forest

and she'll be moaning and your ear, this is the worst thing to happen in Germany.

Oh, my God. Come on, man.

Oh, yeah. Come on, I shall.

If you don't want to be an uglo americano, you gotta blend in with the locals, Jost.

So grab a guide book and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick beavis.

And there's nothing scarier than a language barier.

A little Duo Lingo and you'll be doing lingus.

Mi jamon es muy peqenio.

- Your ham is tiny? - Si, Abuelita.

Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tapas.

Or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We're taling Italy.

Okay? And to get your Bologna into some pussitano, don't forget...

Don't forget about her Naples if you want her to...

if you want her to gobble goo.

Oh, my God. Some people are like visibly sick.

Why would any woman want to be with you?

I have to admit, I have driven many a lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

- Ah, man. - In my boat, Colin.

Oh, yeah. Guy who just bought a boat, everyone.

Paramount plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone pre-quel series

that will star Harrison Ford and Helen Miren.

The 79 years old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner,

while the 76 years old Mirren will play his grandmother.

A new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate

in the country is Missippippi.

It's gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot.

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passanger's baby,

while heading to Florida,

because on Frontier it's not even worth asking if anyone on board is a doctor.

Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening

of a new train line in London after prince Charles tied her to the tracks.

It's not real.

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature

was sold at auction for $67 million.

It's a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration

that he named "Titty Squid."

There are a growing number of nuns joining TikTok

to show what life in a convent is really like.

Because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people,

it always goes well.

This will get you back.

A school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online

of students spelling out the N word.

It's a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.

Well, it's almost summer and as the weather changes,

so do styles and trends.

Here to comment on what's in for summer are two trend forecasters.

Yes, here we go now. Here we go now.

Well, thanks for coming back. I can see you're ready for the warm weather.

Yes.

We had a meeting this morning with the sun.

We typed what it told us into a big, throbbing computer.

Here is... the report.

- Our first category is... - Summer fruit trends.

In, grapes with seeds.

In, tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex.

In, "Watermelon Sugar" song.

And out...

Navel orange!

Navel orange, ew. Why do you have a belly button. You're fruit!

What's next? Honeydews with c-section scars?

Naval orange, go to bed, bitch!

Why do you guys always have to yell?

Because if we whisper, no one listens!

- Our next category is... - Greeting trends.

- In, "Hey!" - In, "Katherine?"

In, "Come on in, guys, welcome to Hooters."

And out... 'This is your captain speaking.'

No, you're flying a plane, not hosting a podcast.

You're a pilot. Captains are for boats, you sky bitch!

By the way, your girl workers are giving me vodka back here.

We're having an amazing time without you.

Go to bed, bitch!

Are you guys okay?

Are you okay?

No! We're terrified! Because the next category is here.

Time trends.

- In, 3:25 P.M. - In, about 10 to 15 minutes.

In, midnight when you turn to pumpkin.

- And out... - When the kitchen is closed!

When the kitchen's closed, how interesting.

I can see people moving around back there.

All I want is a complicated dish that's not on the menu,

- and I'm allergic to everything! - The kitchen's closed?

Go to bed, bitch!

I love when you come, but I never understand anything you're saying.

Good, enjoy the view, Mr. Che.

- And pay attention to... - Future trends!

In, 10 nice years.

In, a friend I really couldn't have done this without.

- And whoa, look who's back in... - It's navel orange. We love you, girl.

Congratulations, navel orange.

Wai, so what's going to be out in the future?

Well, Michael, the computer has ousted three trends.

And you know they have to be a victor to hell.

- Out is prettile little bouquet. - Expensive tiara.

- And Michael che! - No!

But I'm just hearing something new is in.

- In, my best guys kissing me. - Well, then, we must.

- Trend forecasters, everybody. - Love you!

Aidy Bryant.

A manager of an Arby's... This is a terrible transition.

A manager of an Arby's in Washington has been arrest for distributing child porn.

If found guilty he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway.

The man also told police that he urinated in milk shakes

for his own sexual gratification.

Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milk shakes tasted better.

Arby's. We have the peepee shakes.

A California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion

said her dog saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog,

the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else.

It's not real!

A British woman discovered when she got pregnant

that she had a second tiny vagina. Uh, yeah, the butt.

A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday.

Apparently it took her so long because she's very, very dumb.

I wanna do another one.

A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday.

But I heard they only passed her because her roommate died.

Well, guys, it is the final episode of the season.

Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

Hello, thank you.

Hello. Thanks.

Hello, Colin and Che and millions of people only watching

to see if I bring up Kanye.

- Yeah, you had a weird year. - Yeah.

I just... I never imagined this would be my life. You know, I mean...

Look at me when I started here.

Back then I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was.

Like now, everyone knows I'm white

because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work.

And like, look at me now. I'm aging like an old banana,

and Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn't drink.

Thanks, Pete. So, are you officially leaving?

Yeah, man, Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I'm free.

Has a lot changed since you started here?

A lot has changed. In three years

Fox News went from calling me a monster

for making fun of congressman Dan Crenshaw's eye patch

to also making fun of his eye patch.

Tucker Carlson called him Eye Patch McCain.

That's two veterans in one insult. Jeez, Colin, your dad's a dick.

Actually, Pete, I'm not related to Tucker Carlson.

I learn something every day.

In fairness, to what I originally said, because it still bothers me,

I was making a joke about someone's appearence

without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue,

which is a SNL alumni tradition.

On one hand I don't like that people think they can run on stage and hit a comedian.

But on the other is how I know that all my shows will now be sold out.

Pete, is there anything you're going to miss about this place?

Oh, yeah. Lorne for sure. He's amazing.

He's led us through the Covid era.

Even though the only time he wears a mask is at his "Eyes Wide Shut" parties.

No, he really always gives me the best advice.

This is all true advice that Lorne's given me.

I'll never forget. I called him when I got engaged.

"Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating her for two weeks."

He said "Oh, hold on for dear life."

It's a true thing he said.

And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL he looked me in the eye and said,

I don't think you're right for this show, so let's screw this up together.

And that's exactly what we did.

And that's why people who don't think I deserve the job

shouldn't really hate me since we have so much in common.

Like, if anything, I should inspire hope

that literally anyone can be on Saturday Night Live.

Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside a 7-Eleven

at 2:00 A.M., that's not some meth head, that's the next Pete Davidson.

I'm going to miss you, Pete.

Thanks, Colin, even though I know it says so on your cue card.

You have been like an older brother to me, in that my mom loves you more.

I appreciate SNL, always having my back and allowed me to work on myself

and grow and you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me

or judging me even when everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me

to have a place that, like, I could call home

with memories that will last a lifetime, so thank you guys.

Pete Davidson, everyone.

- For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin jost. - And I'm Michael Che. Good night!

We now return to the 1981 not classic, "9:15 to 5:10."

Before we go in, Joyce Reed, we should give you a warning.

Yeah, Mr. Dooley's a grade-A bigot and misogynist.

- But is he nice? - He's the exact opposite of nice.

Someone ought to kill him.

But he's our boss and it's 1981 and we're three women.

And someone ought to kill him. Come on.

- Mr. Dooley, are you decent? - Oh, in the sack?

Yeah, I do okay, but just give me a second to button everything back up.

Oh, my god, did you just shoot Mr. Dooley?

He barely said a line.

Well, you said you wanted him dead, so I did.

Where did you get that gun even?

My husband gave it to me, in case I see a deer in the street.

But now what do we do? The shareholder meeting is in ten minutes.

Are we sure he's dead? I mean your pistol's so tiny.

Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's tickle him.

What? Tickle a dead guy?

We don't know he's dead, not until we tickle him.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle! Tickle, tickle!

Yeah, well, he didn't even move. Not even a little, so I guess he is dead.

What do you think we should do?

I think... oh, no, the shareholders are coming.

Well, should we cut up his body and burn it?

There's no time. They're here. Follow my lead.

Dooley.

Good to see you, old cheeseburger. I hope you have some good news for us.

Yeah, what are your numbers this quarter?

Oh, big high numbers. I like to see that.

I like it, too. But why are the women raising your arms?

Who, us? We're not women.

No, we are women. We're just not here.

No, we're here. It's just that behind every great man

are three dumb women moving his arms around, right?

Good one, Dooley.

Come on, Dooley, laugh with us.

Oh, well, Mr. Dooley loves to laugh.

Classic Dooley. Needs three women to make him laugh.

Wait, that doesn't make sense. Women aren't funny.

- He's not dead, is he? - Dead? Hardly. I mean, look at this dog.

- His hands are all over our bodies. - Oh, Mr. Dooley!

That's good fun. Hey, how about a drink, Dooley?

Yeah, it's 11:00 A.M. somewhere.

A drink? Well, Mr. Dooley makes great drinks at that bar across the room.

- Here we go. - Okay.

Why is he staying in that chair?

Oh, uh, because he just got a colonoscopy.

- Yeah, and they left the tube in. - Oh, that's the worst.

Our line worked.

Now we just have to make the drink.

Can we offer you a Mai Tai?

Breaking a lot of bottles there, old Dooley.

- Oh, wait until you taste it. - Yes. Okay, here they are.

Perfect. Mai Thais.

Mr. Dooley. You're all over me.

Thank you. Wait... wait a second. Something's off here.

Look at Dooley.

Yeah, he doesn't have a drink in his hand.

That's 'cause he's dead!

Dead on with this Mai Tai. Great work, Dooley.

But you know what? Just in case he is dead, I'm going to tickle him.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle! Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!

Yep. Dead. Thought so.

You girls are going to do time.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to go to the police.

But wait, that's the window, not the door.

Once again, Japanese Breakfast.

I want to express myself because I'm young at heart and I want to show it.

And I want to look as young as I feel.

But anti-aging creams in hair dyes have harmful chemicals that just aren't me.

Because I'm eco friendly and a little funky too.

What do we do?

Sounds like you need gray adult pigtails.

The number one hairstyle for whimsical women of a certain age.

- Whether you're a puppeteer. - A pet psychic.

Or someone's aunt's therapist's wife.

You need a hair style that says, people are going to be talking about me

for years after meeting me for five minutes.

- Because you're unique. - You love art.

And you want people to see you and think, "Got it."

So grab two elastics and change your life with gray adult pigtails.

Because you never stop smoking pot. Why should your hair?

- Pair it with... - A cranberry's t-shirt.

- Children's tutu. - This bag.

- Denim overalls, naked underneath. -A Rasta hat in culturally neutral colors.

You wish you could be this whimsical. I look how incense smells.

I grow all my own food,

but my electric bill for twinkle lights would blow your mind.

I have a boyfriend who comes over once a week.

He lives in the woods, keeps bongos in his truck, and is very much a sculptor.

- Hey, pussycat. - Ah, Richard, baby.

- How did your sculpting go today? - I don't know.

Do these sharp, rusty beauties answer your question?

Oh, Richard, baby. You're a genius.

I love your mind even more than your body.

You know what else she loves? My gray adult pig tail.

That's right. They're not just for ladies.

They're for Richard, too.

You were married to that golf player and doctor for way too long.

You want to attract the right kind of man.

When I put my gray hair way up high I immediately got a boyfriend.

Me too.

- The same one. - Yeah, we're all dating Richard.

He's like if a guy was magic. And we'll love him forever.

Nine years ago we met at a white Buddhist temple for swingers.

He's a freak for the gray adult pigtails.

Yeah, what can't I say? Can't ride a bike with no handle bars.

Oh, Richard!

With are we talking about piggy tails?

Look what I made. It's an extremely sharp metal guitar.

You know what we should do? Let's blow the metal roof off this place. Hit it.

And the seasons go round and round

And the painted moldings they go up and down

Gray adult pigtails. Buy them at any natural food health store.

Thank you to Japanese Breakfast, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph.

Had the time my life. Have a great summer.