Original subtitles

In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade,

Justice Samuel Alito explains that no women has a right to an abortion,

an that in fact abortion is a crime.

To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th Century England.

About the quickening of the fetus. And a second treatise that says

'If the quick child dieth in her body it would be a great misprison

We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity, almost 1000 years ago,

which laid such a clear foundation for what our laws should be in 2022.

What is the matter? You look as lost in thought.

It's nothing, just, whilst I was cleaning the hole in the side of the castle

where we poop and it falls into a sky into a moat full of human feces,

I started to think about abortion.

Oh, really? What about it?

Well, do you think we ought to make a law against it?

You mean like the law we have against pointy shoes?

Or the law that if you hunt a deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws.

We should make a law that will stand the test of time

so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now they'll look back and say,

no need to update this at all, they nailed it back in 1235.

I don't know, maybe we shouldn't ban abortion in all of England.

We could decide it on an feifdom by feifdom basis.

Oh, good idea.

That way if your concubine needs one, you can send her to get it in old York City.

If we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother?

Because she'll need to be punished. She'll be so happy about her crime.

We could always put her on a boat

and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world.

She would of course, tumble down where the four giant turtles

are holding up the earth and perhaps one of them will eat her.

-Yeah, kinda played out, though. - Uh, I know!

What if we get a dinkey drunk and we'll dress it up in her husbad's clothes.

Then the next morning she's like 'Uh, did I just had sex with a donkey?'

And the whole town is waiting outside like 'Ya burnt!'

Maybe. Maybe. But what if the donkey gets her pregnant?

And then we'd legally have to protect the fetus and if the half-donkey is man,

- he could become a king. - The prophecy!

Let's be careful.

The worst thing that could happen is if someone leaks

the conversation to the town cryer.

Knock knock! Just kidding. We don't have doors.

Anyhoo, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left-handed children into the river,

and I could'n help but overhear you talking about the new law?

Oh-oh, woman hear ideas and make her think, why I don't have those?

Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple questions.

Careful, Margaret, don't make us make another hole in your skull

so your brain can breathe.

Right.

I was just wondering since I'm almost at the childbearing age of 12,

should women have a right to choose

since having a baby offers a 50% chance of dying?

Yes, but that's why we're also offering maternity leave.

When you're done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Shouldn't we make exceptions in case of rape or incest?

But those are the only kinds of sex.

Yeah, I guess I just don't understand why you're so obsessed with this issue.

What about the fact that no one can read and write?

And everyone's diying in a plague?

You think just because I have active plague that means I need to wear a mask?

It's my body, my choice.

Well, it's clear to me that we've reached the limits of human knowledge.

We've found the haircut.

We know that the sun is the moon when it's happy.

And we trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

Plus we have birth control now.

You can't get pregnant as lons as when a man ejaculates

he whispers 'Just kidding'.

Well, there's always Plan B. Letting 1000 bees sting you.

Now, let's all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever?

- Say aye. - Aye!

- And those opposed? - Nay.

I'm just playing, I know I can't vote, but you know, Moors gonna be Moors.

You ever get the feeling this is not going to be your century?

Enough!

My God, an ogre!

No, just a woman in her 30s.

I did did a weird mushroom in a a pail of codungs so I can see the future.

And whether or not, dear girl, these barbaric rules will be overturned

by something called progress.

And then about 50 years after the progress,

they'll be like 'Maybe we should undo the progress'.

I don't know why my visions from that time are confusing.

It seems like all of them come from a hole from a place called Florida.

And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trials

of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

I know it doesn't sound great, but I guess, but no matter how many choices

they take away from women, we've always got the choice to keep fightin'!

That's really inspiring. After hearing your perspective, I've suddenly realized,

you're a witch, and we're going to set you on fire.

Alright. It wouldn't be the first time.

And live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Musical guest arcade fire!

And your host, Benedict Cumberbatch!

Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch!

Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much.

I really am thrilled to be back hosting "Saturday Night Live."

It's been a really fun, great week. I have to be honest,

because most of the sketch writers this week they pitched me

sketches everyday and most were about Dr. Strange.

I like the guy, I love playing the character,, thefilm is doing really well.

But I have been in other films, and no one said to me, like what?

And I said, well, "The Power of the Dog", for example.

And he said, "Nobody saw it."

I said come on, man, I was nominated for an Oscar for that.

I mean, I didn't win. I was beat by Will Smith.

No, not physically. Not physically.

But I'm really honored to be hosting the Mother's Day SNL show.

And of course I want to wish a very special happy Mother's Day to my mum.

She's actually on holiday in Greece at the moment.

And SNL offered to fly her here first class, and she said no,

I'm on a beach in Greece, are you insane?

I love you, mum.

When I was younger, we used these weird funny names we used

to call each other, and I called her Pookie,

and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch.

And then I went to a boarding school outside of London,

you may have heard of it, called Hogwarts.

And while I was there she's write these amazing letters.

These fantastic missives and they had beautiful, beautiful drawings

and illustrations on them. Incredible things.

I can't do that for her, obviously, but I thought I'd use a bit of this monologue

to thank her for all that she's done for me, so.

Hey, mum, it's me, your son, little Benedict.

Thank you for always being there for me.

You know, growing up, every time I had a problem, you had a solution.

For instance, when I lost my front teeth I was worried about being teased,

you said it's okay. Just try to smile without opening your mouth.

Great advice, but it also explains to this day and in every red carpet photograph

I'm smiling like this.

Seriously, though, mum, thank you, you've shown me love every step of the way,

I love you, Pookie.

And speaking of mothers, my wife Sophie is in the audience tonight,

and I'd like to wish her a happy Mother's Day, too.

Hi, Sophie.

It's me, your husband. Little Benedict.

I'm seriously in constant, constant awe of you.

You gave birth to our three beautiful boys and that alone is a minor miracle,

as any women will tell you.

Meanwhile, according to you, I was off dressing up as a wizard.

Tehnically is a a sorceror, wizards have robes, I have a cloak.

It's a thing, don't worry.

But seriously, Sophie, I hope that when you think about it

you realize that it evens out.

Because if you think being a mum is hard, try doing this.

Yeah, I just opened a portal, you're welcome.

But, really, seriously, Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, all the grandmothers,

all the caregivers, to everybody who does an extraodinary job doing that,

especially to the two mother of my life, my mum and Wanda Ventham

and my wife, Sophie Hunter.

Seeing all that you two have done for me and our children

truly warms my heart and puts a smile on my face, a smile like this.

We have a great show for you tonight. Arcade fire is here.

Stick around we'll be back!

Present, present, present, present!

- Come on, just open it. - Oh, my gosh. What a Mother's day .

- You did too much. - Well, you deserve it.

- After all, you're our mom. - Well. I'm your wife.

That's what I meant. Who wants to go first?

I do, I do.

Oh, you know I love these little wooden signs.

Let me see.

Okay, "Life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother."

- Oh, where did you get this? - We got it at Home Depot.

They sell art there too.

- This one's from me. - Oh, thank you, John. Okay.

"Mom turned upside down spells 'wow.'"

Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Oh, no I see.

No, you're right. These are really great.

Here mom, thought you'd like this one.

Oh, okay, thank you, sweetie .

Okay. "Dear mom, we sucked your teats dry,

and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother's day."

- Cute. - Good one.

I guess I thought that this one would have a fun rhyme or something.

But thank you.

You, kind of, look like the woman in the sign.

Yeah, I'm... I don't know about that.

Oh, honey, give her yours. Here you go, Mrs. M.

Just wanted to say thanks for welcoming me to the family.

Of course, Danny. Let's see.

Having a mother-in-law is like having crabs.

What... is there more on the back? I feel like they didn't finish the joke.

- Well, you're going to like this one. - Okay.

Well... oh, I like the color, for sure.

"Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy."

Well, that one doesn't even say "Happy Mother's day."

- I picked this one all out by myself. - It's a big one.

Dear wife, now that the kids are grown, we don't have sex as much anymore,

but we do sometimes, and that's fun.

What?

This one actually goes with it.

Don't read into it as me asking for more sex.

The amount that we are doing is good for me, Happy Mother's day.

Okay, these are getting really specific and personal.

Yeah, they're great, right?

- I think you spent too much. - Oh, no, they're like $1.99.

Okay, I want to read this one.

'Dear mom, if you died and dad remarried...'

Wait, wait, I'm not finished.

'It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place

where we were able to call the new woman "mom." Happy Mother's day.'

Okay. Okay. I don't understand, you know.

Usually these signs say something like, you know,

"Caution, mom needs wine", or something like that.

We have ones like that here.

Okay, let's see.

It says 'Oh, look, it's wine o'clock. I just love watching the sun rise.'

Does that imply I'm getting drunk at dawn?

- Here's a good one. - Okay.

I only drink on days that end in "Y",

and during hours that have numbers in them.

- Here's another. - Oh, my. Okay.

Okay. 'I'm not drunk, it's just the wine talking.'

As in 'Oh, my God, a bottle is talking to me, and it has lips and everything.

Did I get so drunk I did shrooms.

Oh, yeah, I did. I'm an effing mess.

I don't drink that much!

Here you go.

'You do.'?

I think Mother's day can be done now, thank you everyone.

No, mom, we're sorry.

- I guess we got carried away. - They seemed really clever in the store.

Don't be mad, this is your day.

There is one last one if you want to look. You probably don't, though.

You know what? Fine, just give it to me.

'Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do

there's just one thing we need to mention. You're the best, we love you.'

Okay, well that one is pretty cool.

That part flips down.

Oh, 'We suspect dad has a secret family.'

- Who wants more pancakes! - Oh, wait, do you?

I need an answer.

Okay, cutie pies. We're ready to get started.

Well, maybe a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need, but it's all good.

Hi, gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

We are from Blue Bunny Ice Cream and we've got some new products

that we'd love your feedback on.

- Like bomb pops? - No, no sir, no bomb pops today.

I love bomb pops.

Okay, again, no b-pops,

but I do think you'll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream, not to hear jokes about it.

- Can we get to the tasting? - Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey. Those two are just trying to do their job.

They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. This is their dance, not yours.

- Do you two know each other? - No, ma'am.

Just here to try some ice cream, get my check, and be on my way.

Same here. Came in a stranger, I'll leave one as well.

Okay, very fun.

The first flavor we're going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream.

So give those a try. Jacob, how about you go first?

- What do you think? - Oh, wow, it's delicious.

- Great? What about you, Lisa? - Tastes a little wet. But yummy.

Noted. Bobbi, what do you think?

You know what this tastes like?

You remember when you was a kid, you'd be playing out in all the dirty buckets

like a hog?

And pappy'd call you in to wash up because Nana spent the last three hours churning?

That woman would churn till she whipped.

The blood from her palms, legs, and the caramel ribbons in the ice cream.

This is that. This tastes like that.

Oh, thank you. Very descriptive.

You're trying to make a grown weep, miss?

No, I'm just trying to eat ice cream, sir.

What about you, mutton. What did you think of the peanut brittle pie?

It's a... how do I say this?

Remember when you'd be down by the pond all day,

witj your hands cupped trying to catch one stupid little tadpole?

It would mean nothing today, but back then, hell, that tad was king crab.

And then Scooter's mama, the one with the pretty teeth and eyes like butter,

who'd invite you inside for a bowl of Rocky Road.

Didn't matter the flavor, though.

It was just that a beautiful, mature woman had opened her door to you.

Farmer's wife. Bosom heavy.

This is that. This tastes like that.

Okay.

Tastes like Scooter's mama. Writing that down.

- You've seen things, haven't you? - Nah.

Only ice cream, miss.

Hey, man. I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

No.

Guys, we're not really looking to taste memories of the dust bowl here.

Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

She's right. I can taste generations of women in it.

Okay. I will not be writing that down.

How about this one. Galactic mint frost.

Why don't you all give that one a little taste. Yeah?

Yeah. Bobbi, you tasting that fresh mint in there?

No. Tastes more like wind.

Like the wind when you haven't quite reached 5 feet tall.

Wind back then would knock you right into your neighbor.

The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire.

And in your eyes, he saw them both.

So you'd sit with him on the porch watching the world go by.

Just as the sun went down, he'd hand you a bowl of cream.

Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls had died.

This is that. This tastes like that.

Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Who hurt you?

Why, you looking to save someone tonight?

- Maybe. - Eat your ice cream.

I'm sorry, what is happening?

- You want to know what I taste? - Yes, but in like six words this time.

Fine.

- Remember the fourth of July... - Okay, please stop.

The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother's hand.

Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close.

Never did find him.

Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some choc chip,

nothing too fancy on the night your brother disappeared.

This is that. This tastes like that.

Dammit, I can't take your pain away but I can give it a bed to rest in.

- Let me nap with your hurt. - You want to nap with my hurt?

I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt!

Don't say something like that, you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

All right! Well, thanks for coming out, everybody.

Hear me now

I will always come for you. What took you so long?

Blue Bunny Ice Cream. Let me nap with your hurt.

Hey, no phone. You're grounded, remember?

Oh, my God, I didn't even do anything that bad, mom.

Really? Taylor, you came home drunk.

You're 17 years old.

Oh, come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

In high school, no. Not even a sip. Never.

Chug, chug, chug! Oh!

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

Yo, it's not a party until Sloppy Sandy pukes!

I'm okay!

Well, sorry I'm not just like you, mom. Sorry I'm not perfect.

I wasn't perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things I regret.

I can't believe we're not virgins anymore.

I did a couple things I regret.

- Can't believe we're not virgins anymore. - I know, right?

- Name one mistake you made. - Okay, you know what?

Fine, here's one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

I'm sorry!

The point is, I never did anything so stupid

it followed me through my whole life.

- Everything all right in here? - Yeah, grandma, we're fine.

Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dumbass I am?

- What? - Taylor!

Can you believe the way she speaks to me?

I would never have spoken to your grandma by way.

Suck my beef, you old bithch!

Yeah, we always got along pretty well.

Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your head!

Taylor, your mom told me it got a little wild at a party?

Now, I'm all for having fun, but call me old-fashioned,

I think there is a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

David Bowie! I love you, David! Take my panties!

David!

I know.

Okay, I'll say it then.

- You told grandma? - Of course I did, honey.

I'm worried about you.

- What are we worried about? - Nothing, I'm fine. I went to one party.

Meanwhile, mom's acting like she never had fun in her life.

Well, when I met your ma in college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

- Hey. - But she always kept it in control.

- How many pills did you take? - Three.

- What is the problem? - You blew my roommate.

I thought it was you.

If she's hard on you, it's only 'cause she loves you so much.

- I know. - I'm just trying to look out for you.

Come here. Give me a hug.

You know, you're still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Yes!

Text message from Ryan, "parents gone, come over for eggplant emoji."

Never mind.

No, I know what this means. Yeah.

Lord, it's hot.

Georgia in July is hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

- Don't the warden know it. - All right, boys, back to work now.

These rocks ain't gonna break themselves.

And get happy, I want to see some smiles.

I was born on a farm on a moonless night

Mama never taught me wrong from right

Now I'm doing time in Georgia

- Doing time in Georgia - Long time in Georgia

- Long time in Georgia - Happy as claims is a good lord set me

Free lord set me free, yeah

Now the good book said be a righteous man

But the devil pulled me down and away we ran

- So they locked me up in town - Locked me up in town

- Working for the county - Working for the county

I'll be in chains till the good Lord sets me free

Take it, Tommy!

If I see something bad you know I'm gonna tell

That's why they put me in a better prison cell,

- Cause I snitched to the warden - Snitched to the warden

Snitching to the warden Snitching to the warden

- Oh Lord, prison's not so bad - Wait, Tom.

Did you just say you were snitching to the warden?

Yep, that's the way the old prison song goes.

Nope!

You getting special treatment, Tom?

Nah, just singing to pass the time.

Whoo-wee, it's hot.

Where did you get that fancy drink?

- You fellas didn't get one? - I did not.

- What's going on? - Oh, hell, they caught Lenny!

Well, well, well. Look who we found hiding in the storm drain down by the highway.

But, it's impossible, how did you find me?

Let's just say a little birdie told us your plan.

On an unrelated note, Tom, here is a cherry pie.

Cherry pie?

And as for you, Lenny? You know what we do with escapees.

- Put them in the box! - No, no. Not the box!

You animals! You lousy animals!

He's a good man, don't put him in the box!

Or maybe just for a couple of days, you guys know best.

All right, show's over.

Now unless you got a pie in your hand, get back to work!

When I dream at night that's the only time I'm free

I wake up every morning in a penitentiary

- Now I'm doing ten to 20 - Doing ten to 20

- Working for the county - Working for the county

I'll be in chains till the good Lord sets me free

God, set me free

If you tell me your secrets I'll pass them along

You'll be in the box while I'm singing this song

- I made a deal with the warden - Deal with the warden

- I'll tell him all your secrets - Tell him all your secrets

Every time I snitch they bring me a big cherry pie

Shh, here comes the warden's wife!

- Ma'am. - Ma'am.

- Ma'am. - Ma'am.

Why, if it isn't my lovely wife, Mary. What you doing here, woman?

Oh, I was just passing by on my way into town.

Figured I'd take a gander at all these bad, bad boys.

This one looks especially naughty.

- Are you a naughty boy? - Yes, ma'am. Very naughty, ma'am.

Looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie.

Oh, thank you kindly.

It's not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie.

What the hell?

All right, Mary. I know you got some shopping to do.

Bye, boys. See you later.

That's enough yapping for one day. Back to work, all of you.

No, I can't complain about my life I get to sleep with the warden's wife

- I'm sleeping with the warden's wife - Sleeping with the warden's wife

- Sleeping with his pretty wife - Sleeping with his pretty wife

Watches from the closet smiling in the dark

Warden, I do believe Tom is sleeping with your wife.

Yeah, I know. I can't please her myself. Best to let her be happy.

Way to be happy, way to be happy Very very happy, very very happy

Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite words, Arcade Fire!

Eddie, I love you.

I love you, mom. I love you, mom.

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

- Good evening. - Hello.

- Good evening, everyone. - Welcome to "Weekend Update."

- I'm Michael Che. - I'm Colin Jost.

Well, guys, tomorrow is Mother's day. Whether you wanted to be one or not.

In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court,

a draft opinion was leaked which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe v. Wade.

So the court is usually careful but they slipped up just this once,

now they've got to live with it forever. Sounds really unfair.

The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito,

and he bases his argument on laws from the 1600s.

So it's an outdated opinion from an angry 70-year-old?

This shouldn't be a supreme court decision, it should be a Facebook post.

The opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble.

Here's how you know. He quotes his own colleague,

Brett Kavanaugh six times, one for each beer in the pack.

He even cites Kavanaugh on civil rights,

which is like citing Amber Heard on how to make a bed.

Chief Justice John Roberts said the leak was the work of "one bad apple."

One bad apple is also a legal argument used in Alito's opinion.

As a man there's no way I can understand the full impact of this issue.

But I asked a bunch of women around the office

what their personal experience was with abortion.

And I gotta admit, I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to after.

I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people.

Most Americans don't have access to the same resources that even I do.

The average person can't just text Lorne in the middle of the night and say,

"Yo, it happened again."

I just don't get why Republicans are so against this.

I mean, maybe don't think of it as an abortion, think of it as a patriot

storming the uterus to overturn the results of a pregnancy.

Former New York City mayor and current Rumplestiltskin

Rudy Giuliani canceled an appearance before the January 6th Comitee

at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview.

I assume on a loose VCR flashing 12.

There are also uncofirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery

I never thought I'd say this, but good luck, cancer.

This week the Supreme Court to fully overturn Row v. Wade,

here comes Conservative Justice Amy Coney Barrett.

- Hi. How are you? - How are you?

- Thanks for being here. - I'm jazzed and juiced.

I'm guessing you're pretty happy with the draft of the ruling.

I don't know what would make you think that other than everything I've ever said.

I listened to the case with an open mind and asked all my question.

Right, there was one... Justice Alito notice then his opinion.

You were asking about safe haven laws where can you legally leave a baby

at a fire station, no questions asked.

That's right, Colin. I just like...

I don't understand why you need abortion, because you can leave a baby anywhere

in the United States. What's the big deal? Just pop it.

- Just do the nine and plop. - Just do the what?

Do your nine, you know? Do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk,

wrap it up in, like a little Moses, put it in a basket, just do your nine.

It's simple. You are a murderer if you have an abortion,

but are you not a murderer if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox.

- And that tracks, and it's good to me. - Not everyone is good with that.

Just give it to a stork and a stork will give it to a lesbian.

I would think the lesbians would be happy cause now there's more babies

for them to adopt. Come on ladies, it's just nine, it's not even ten.

So just do your nine and dump.

- I don't think it's that simple. - I have seven children and a job.

And I make it work. Why every single other woman can't get it done is beyond me.

Unless I'm missing something about class in America. Don't aswer that.

Are you also suggesting that we don't need abortion because theres no longer

- the same sigma against unwed mothers? - Exactly.

You see a girl who's pregnant. You're not going to stone her anymore.

You're just gonna be like 'Hmm, okay.'

If you get pregnant and you're not married, you don't have to go to a

spooky convent anymore.

You just give a baby to a panther, Jungle Book-it and that's your nine.

- Stop just saying 'That's your nine'. - What is more traumatic,

safely ending an early pregnancy or give birth to a baby you can never see again

because you put it on a Ferris wheel?

Colin, all I'm saying these lesbians will be having a crap load

of babies coming their way. They should be kissing my boobs.

I don't think they wanna do that.

Also, I think a lot of the American feel like you're kinda forcing

- your conservative views on the country. - Look. The court is not partisan.

Our spouses on the other hand are effing crazy.

Scuse me, oh! Speak of, Clarence Thomas' wife Ginni is always texting me,

she's like in love with me. I'm like, okay, les, you want a baby?

Alright Justice, is there anything else you'd like to say?

Arby's, we have the babies.

- Justice Barett everyone! - Do your nine!

A new report shows that 6 million Americans identify as afro latinos.

Afro latino is what Spirit Haloween calls their unlicenced Bruno Mars costumes.

New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city

with a series of signs designed to scare drivers.

The terrifying signs read simply "Entering new Jersey."

Rock 'n roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year

along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon,

which begs the question, what is rock 'n roll?

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was soldat auction for more than $1 million.

It is considered so valuable because he used it in the All Star game,

but also to get back to his car safely.

Qantas has announce plans for new direct flight from

New York to Australia that will take 19 hours.

Not be outdone, Spirit Airlines also announced a new flight

from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

Archaeologists have discovered a drawing in a cave in Alabama.

And guys, they're bad.

Really bad drawings.

A British lawmaker resigned after admitting he watched porn

on his phone in the chambers of Parliament,

which seems pretty lame when our congress allows full penetration.

A colleague knew he was watching porn when he voted pass by

the count of 650 yays to one Oh, my God yay.

A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond

ever auctioned off. Wow! 220 carats?

And can you imagine the size of the child who mined that?

- Huge! - Yeah, man.

Happy Mother's Day!

A woman at a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked

while wearing an inflatable penis costume.

She says she's still throbbing and her head feels like it's ready to explode.

The world, the record for the world's oldest dog has been broken

by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothee Chalamet.

- For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che. - And I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

We now return to Landsdowne house.

- Amelia, Kenneth. - Christian, what a marvelous surprise.

My brother in the flesh, why are you here?

Shouldn't you be away in Cornwall?

I've left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.

Let's hear it over tea. Henry,

- send for tea, please. - Yes, mam.

You say the great war has come to England, and all of us must fight?

- No. - I felt duty bound to do my best.

No, Christian, no.

- What's happening? - You know your sister has health spells.

Amelia. To the fainting couch.

So, I've made a decision. I'm off to war.

Oh, no!

Tea, mam.

- Look what you've done! - Oh, heavens!

She's missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.

Yes, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, it seems I've had a tiny spell.

More than a tiny one, my dear. You've had a fritt.

Oh, I'm perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it's you.

I just had the most frightful dream that were you going to war.

That is no dream, Amelia, it's true. I'm joining the armies on the frontline.

The frontline, oh, no. It's happening!

Amelia, please, to the couch, my love. Come this way!

I'm sorry, she muss hear the truth.

I shall leave Cornwall to seek glory on the battlefield.

Elixirs, now.

- She's missed the couch again. - Again? How?

We need to steady her nerves. Henry, don't just stand there.

Bring the sherry. As many glasses as you can carry.

Of course, sir. And don't worry, sir, I'm fine.

- Oh, heavens, I've had a spell. - Don't concern yourself, my dear.

Your brother, it's his fault for telling us like this!

Oh, Cristian! Tehre you are! You can still change your mind.

Go back to Cornwall. Forget about this war madness.

No, Amelia, the die is cast. You see, I've already enlisted.

What, oh.

This way, my dear. Oh, drat! She went the other way .

She is putting on quite the show, isn't she?

How dare you? She could die.

Oh, nooo.

- Why are doing nothing? - It must run its course.

Steady, girl, steady, steady.

Calm now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.

- Your Sherry, ma'am. - Thank you, Henry.

I think it's passed.

Yes, I'm fine.

Splendid. Let's revigorate your constitution.

Henry! Bring us a Saxberg soup. Piping hot.

Piping hot soup! Yes, sir.

- Now, my dear, are you all right? - Oh, yes, I'm perfectly fine.

I just seem to have a tiny cut on my hands.

Is that blood?

To the couch, please!

Soup is ready, sir.

Steady.

- Oh, no, no, please, sir. - Yes.

I'm terribly sorry.

The fits runs in Bankfield family, you see?

Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.

So, these spells could happen to me? I could have them?

- Perhaps I should not go to war, then. - Oh, marvelous .

This calls for a celebration. Henry.

Bring us the champagne and our priceless Faberge eggs!

Yes, sir.

How many ways are there to sit on the toilet?

There's only one acceptable way to sit on the toilet.

- One way. - One must sit upright.

No slouching! Back straight.

Feet should be planted firmly on the floor.

And what should sitting on the toilet never be?

- Comfortable or relaxing. - Correct.

That is the number one rule. And rules are meant to be...

Broken!

- Who are you? - The next big thing.

- Just what do you think you're doing? - Changing everything.

Introducing the reline, from Koehler,

the world's first toilet with reclining tank, and extendable footrest.

Bringing laid-back casual comfort into the bathroom for the first time.

Class dismissed.

There is only one way to sit on the toilet.

Te ReKhline, from Koehler.

Koehler, number one and number two since 1873.

Come on, buddy, let's grab our seats.

All right, I think the show is starting.

Hey, everybody! I know you came to see Chuck E and his pals.

But we're having some technical problems and Chuck E and the pizza time band

- are not running right now. - Oh, that's why we came.

Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry about that.

But the show must... go on.

Good. Okay. And great news, I reached out to my favorite band from 1983,

and they were available. So, please welcome, Reflection Denied.

Amongst the basil and the pomodoro did I experience my reveree

here at Chuck E. Cheese.

Existing in the little space between the mall and the highway.

- Before the big bang, there was... - Pizza!

Greetings children and children of the mind.

We are Reflection Denied.

But today, I'm the eponymous rodent Charles Entertainment Cheese.

And I for Jasper Tenessee Jawles. Join us on the sound scape of pizza.

- Games. - And soulful longing.

I reached self-concept at the pizza plex I forgot my taste and smell

Games and sauce, Games and sauce.

Keep falling, you read my mind so well

Oh, pizza pie in the pizza sky

Deliver me, deliver me

- This is fun, right, bud? - Is this for kids?

I think it's for him.

I cried alone in the ball pit, oh father where are you?

Games and sauce, Games and sauce

Mr. Pibb out of Dr Pepper why do they have both

Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky

Deliver me deliver me

If you'd like to book us for future gigs or tip us in dipping dots please see Julie

- Who is Julie? - I'm guessing she is.

Tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes

Parents paying for dreams

Win an old yo-yo or iPod shuffle they've been here since 2003

Now we bring dispatches of birthday celebrations,

Colby G. and Mason S., congratulations on the anniversary

of emerging from your mother's vagina.

And to the Indian Ridge Little League team, your coat says pizza is for winners.

So tonight, you starve.

Hark, do you hear that? The rumbling of a thousand hungers.

- Is it? - It is.

The physical voice of pizza. The insatiable Mr. Munch!

Pizza in my tummy

It's Munch. He's hungry, right, bud?

Hungry for validation for he was abandoned on a Ferris wheel in Montreal.

The bastard child of a Cirque du Soleil performer and grimace.

Applaud him, applaud his bravery.

Oh, pizza pie in the pizza sky

Deliver me, deliver me

-Oh, look, that's Pascuale the pizza chef. - Was he always so sexy?

Now children, a cautionary tale.

Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar?

An untouched place where hope goes to die.

And here to tell us about this Caty Carrot.

Looking for 'contact under clear plastic, broken disposable tongs

Cold linguini, a peperoncino where did we go wrong

Romaine is all that remains

She's dying

Romaine is all that remains

I know that carrot. I've been that carrot.

We are all that carrot.

Tonight, the call goes out to all the world, throw off the shackles

of your darkness, your religion, your racial animus.

And unite under one banner, the banner of pizza!

Also the pink gun on the time crisis game is broken.

And someone left a diaper in the ball pit.

Now unite and sing!

Pizza pie in the pizza sky

Deliver me deliver me

Once again, Arcade Fire!

One, two, three, four.

Hey, guys. I'm Chloe Fineman.

It's been a really unique season.

And people are always asking what happens when a cast member

has to miss a show because they're sick?

Well, that's where I come in. I am the show's official understudy.

So every week, I run lines with all the cast members

just in case I need to jump into their roles.

Do you think we can take it from the top of the sketch?

Yeah, yeah. Exterior Met gala, Kate is an "E! News" correspondent.

Okay. So... hey, guys, how are you?

What? What? God, what?

You want to get more intimate with it. You want to do a bigger spread.

Spread as big as you can. Just make people uncomfortable with what you're doing.

- Gorgeous! - Gorgeous!

To really capture the essence of a cast member,

you have to shadow them as they go about their everyday routines.

Yeah, well, I thought it was funny, but during the show it wasn't on the cue card.

- It wasn't on the cue card, - No, no.

- Well. - Well, yeah.

- Yeah. - What are you going to do?

Some of the cast members use me as an understudy for their personal lives.

Thanks so much for doing this, Chloe. I'm so bad at breakups.

Truly, no problem.

Hey, pal! Oh, man I just wanna talk to you too.

But I see it as more of a pal, you know? So, it's just not going to work out.

- Thanks pal, you're the best. - Oh, man. I frickin' love you.

Understudies have a very strict code of ethics.

Like, no matter how good my Elizabeth Olsen impression is,

I would never use to it trick Benedict.

Benedict, it's your friend Elizabeth Olsen.

Hey, you made it. You're in costume.

Well, I love Marvel.

And speaking of, do you know who would be great in the next Doctor Strange?

SNL's understudy Chloe Fineman.

Benedict?

- What's going on? - I thought I was talking to you.

- No, I'm me. - No, so am I.

- I am me. - I am me too.

Oh, my God. The multiverse is real.

Has anyone asked me to be an understudy? No.

But they haven't asked me to stop.

Okay, guys. Rapid fire. Tell me if I get it. Aidy?

- Googly, gabblely. That ass. - Nailed it, no notes. That ass.

- Heidi. Hey, dude. - We're strong so far, but fine.

- Sarah. Hello, hello! - Wait, do I sound like a jewish parrot?

Yeah.

- Okay, who's left? Ego. - Pass.

And I thank you for that.

I know what you guys are thinking. What happens if I get sick?

Well I actually have my own understudy who does a perfect impression of me.

Yo, bitch, I'm Chloe Fineberg!

Thank you Arcade Fire and to my team: Katie, Donna, Jerry and Amy.

You know they're amazing, all the great writers and the cast of all casts.

This season has been amazing. To be part of it is a real honor. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Arcade Fire!