Original subtitles

And now... A message from the Easter Bunny.

Hello everyone.

It's really me, the Easter bunny.

Either that or you're at Coachella

and the 'shrooms are kicking in.

How is everyone tonight?

Well, it is Easter, aka warm Halloween.

And I may not be the most A-list holiday character,

but I am the freakiest.

Man-sized bunny with no backstory. Who is he ?

Unlike Santa I don't use enslaved elfs to make my Easter baskets,

I get them on etsy because I support women and their little hobbies.

Now remember the smear spirit of Easter is not about candy or eggs

or even bunnies. It is about renewal and rebirth.

That's why I've invited folks from all walks of life

to share their hopes for this Easter season.

Take it away, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

It's me, your boy, Fauci, I know, I know.

I'm still here. Turns out I'm like litter.

No matter how hard you try to get rid of me, I'm still here.

Trust me, I'm not here to give you any more Covid guidance.

I'm not stupid enough to think you're actually going to follow it.

All I can say is Covid cases are a lot like Jesus, they've risen again.

Don't worry, if you're vaccinated, you're going to be fine.

But if you're not vaccinated, I'm not supposed to say this,

but I honestly don't care what happens to you.

Happy Easter, everybody.

Hi. I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene.

And as I've been saying aggressively

to all my Jewish and Muslim colleagues, happy Easter.

This rifle is chocolate, but the bullets are real.

Now, I'm worried about Easter.

Between the pastels and the jelly beans,

this holiday's gotten a little too LGBQRSA for me.

And there is nothing gay about Easter,

a day when a bunch of male priests worship a guy

with great abs and talk about wanting to eat his body.

That's straight stuff.

So happy Easter and Gold bless Russia. I mean America.

Or both, right?

It's me, Mayor Eric Adams.

Don't adjust your television set, I am this handsome.

Spring has sprung, New York!

And I'm almost sprung too looking at all these shorties in sundresses.

Nah, I'm just playin. Unless you like that...

But for real, this Easter, I got the best news of all, New York:

We got him. We got the shooter.

Sure, it took 30 hours and the suspect had to turn himself in,

but we got him.

Case: Closed.

Subways: Fixed.

Ride: Without fear.

I'm not just holding a press conference about it either,

I'm throwin' a parade!

Like we do when the Yankees win the World Series,

or when the Mets finish a season.

In conclusion... Shooter: Caught.

Swagger: Restored.

Violent Crime: Highest in decades.

Bitch, you know Eric Adams runnin' this town!

Hello. So, I am Elon Musk.

I am here to officially buy Easter.

I'm offering 43 billion peeps.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That was a joke.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do you get it?

That's why afterwards, I say, that was a joke,

so you know it was a joke.

Look, I know people don't want me to buy Twitter, but why?

You're worried I'll make Twitter bad?

What are you scared I'll buy next? The Oscars?

Ha, ha, ha.

That was a joke.

Hey, y'all, it's me, Britney.

And I bet you didn't think I could do this.

Remember six months ago when everyone was like,

we need to get her out of this conservatorship.

And now you're all like,

someone's going to check in on her, right?

Well, don't worry.

I'm finally free, and I'm having a baby.

I just pray that my baby is born happy, healthy, and with power of attorney.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Hey. It's me, Jesus Christ.

Just kidding. I'm Jared Leto.

It's what I wore to Kids Choice Awards.

You know, my Easter message this year is simple.

Positivity.

So, if you go to see my new movie, "Morbius," please don't review it.

If you're the kind of person who reviews movies,

"Morbius" just isn't right for you.

I'll see you on the big screen.

And the two little screens behind your eyelids when you go to sleep.

I love you.

So many fascinating viewpoints.

I guess it's true what they say,

spring is a beautiful reminder of what change can bring.

Excuse me. I was told we were doing Easter wishes.

and I was not given my turn. This is very, very unfair.

Another example of how whites

are being horribly mistreated in this country.

All right. Fine. Go ahead.

Easter is a time for baskets and bunnies and frankly bonnets.

And let's not forget egg.

You have Easter egg, Cadbury egg, and my favorite, which is Reeses egg.

The Reeses egg doesn't look like egg, but I like Reese.

I'm very good friends with Reese. Our wives are very good friends.

Do you know what Reese says? He says, not sorry.

Reese says in a very deep voice, not sorry.

And that's good. We don't like food to apologize, do we?

Like that awful Captain Crunch.

He was very rude to me at Count Chocula's 500th birthday.

But he was doing oops all berries.

You're hearing it all the time. Like it's a bad thing.

Why say oops? Okay. We like crunch berries.

Berries so beautiful.

I've heard we have some of the best berries.

- Right Mr. Bunny? - What the hell are you talking about?

Some people are saying I'm not healthy, okay?

I'm very good with health. I do wonderful with health.

Healthy like a horse, like Sea Biscuit.

I see biscuit, I eat biscuit.

Frankly we're doing great things with biscuit and bun and bread.

We're doing crazy bread. Little Caesars, you know?

I've known Little Caesar for a very long time.

I actually told them, this is true, i told them to say "Pizza, pizza."

They used to say it once, I told them to say it twice.

Okay. I'm actually just going to walk away.

You win. You can have Easter.

And you know what? I would love to be bunny.

I would be so good with bunny

because I told America Covid would be over by Easter.

I just didn't say which one.

So, say it everyone, happy Easter and...

live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

It's Saturday Night Live !

With Amy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate McKinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodim.

Chris Redd.

Cecily Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villasenor.

Bowen Yang.

Featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Host and musical guest Lizzo!

Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

My name is Lizzo, and, yes, i'm shocked I have clothes on too.

I'm really excited. Tonight we're going to break the record

for the amount of time bitch is said on live TV!

Bitch, bitch, bitch. That's three more.

I hate cussing in front of my mom. Hey mama.

I haven't seen her in years.

The first time my mom came to see me perform,

I had to warn her, mom, when I'm on stage,

i'm gone say some bad words.

At the time, she didn't like that, but now i'm rich

so she's like, "bitch, cuss me out."

But really, the Lizzo you see on stage is different from the real me.

I got a serious side as well.

Like, last year, I had the honor of giving a Ted talk.

It was very serious stuff. It was about twerking. Google it.

It was actually about the history of twerking

and how it comes from west African dances like Mapouka.

Yeah, I'm deeper than you thought, right?

I've got brains and booty.

I'm like if Einstein could make that ass clap.

But while I'm here, I do want to address some rumors.

I've read a lot agossip online

that i'm dating every little white boy in Hollywood.

They think I'm collecting members of One Direction like infinity stones.

And I even heard a rumor that I'm pregnant with Chris Evans' baby.

I have no idea where that one started.

It could be the TikTok where I said, I am pregnant with Chris Evans' baby.

It's called manifesting, okay?

But I am honored to be up here on this stage.

When I got the call to host "SNL," I was pretty nervous.

I know it's shocking

because I'm the one who said, "I just took a DNA test,

turns out I'm 100% that bitch."

Number one.

Well, to be completely honest, I'm really like 50% that bitch,

10% boss bitch, and 40% flute playing, band nerd bitch.

But I'm thrilled to be hosting this particular episode,

especially because I do love Tonight's musical guest.

Me!

No, for real, I do love myself.

Everybody should love themselves.

You know, at every show, I tell my audience the same thing,

and I'll tell y'all too. I love you.

You are beautiful. And you can do anything.

I'm living proof of that. I used to live in my car.

Now I'm up here hosting "Saturday Night Live."

We've got a great show for you tonight. I'm here !

So stick around. We will be right back.

It's time for "Guess that!"

Welcome to "Guess that!"

I'm your host, Clint Llitters.

And we have three wonderful contestants playing,

Tracy, Nicole, and Kenny.

Now, we all know how the game goes.

I'll ask you guys a series of rapid fire trivia questions,

and if you get them right, I'll give you some money.

- Sound good? - Let's play.

Sounds great, Clint.

All right, let's start.

First question: this amino acid found in turkey is known to make you sleepy.

- That would be tryptophan, Clint. - Correct.

$100 on the board for Tracy. Next question.

This surgery uses laser technology to restore vision.

I've actually had this, it's lasik surgery.

Yes. That's $100 for you, Kenny. Okay.

This New York City airport

was named after the 35th president of the United States.

Robert Kennedy airport.

Oh, sorry, that's actually incorrect.

No, it's not! I was just there.

That's still wrong, Nicole.

How you gone tell me? I was just stuck in that airport

for five hours 'cause I pet a bomb-sniffing dog

and they said i ruined him.

That's very confusing to hear.

Kenny?

- Is it John F. Kennedy airport? - That is correct.

- I just said that. - No, you said "Robert Kennedy."

Okay, but you knew what I meant.

It's okay, Nicole. We have a lot more questions.

- So, that's $100 for you, Kenny. - And what do I get?

You don't... you don't get anything.

I gave him half the answer, so I should get half the money.

Well, that's not how the game works.

Okay, so they give you a little suit and some blue cards

and now you're the Mayor of Game Town?

I don't know what that means, but you're slowing up the game.

All right. Next question.

In 1492, this explorer... Nicole, you have an answer already?

- I don't wanna play no more. - What do you mean?

You said I can't win, so I don't wanna play no more.

- I never said you can't win. - Don't gaslight me.

- Who's gaslighting? - Y'all see this, right?

If he want me to lose so bad, why don't you just let me quit?

Fine. Quit. I don't care.

- Okay. Give me my money first. - What money?

You have a score of zero.

Well they say I get $500 just for playing.

Yeah, that's if you finish the game.

Okay, so you're forcing me to play, even though you said I can't win.

This man is a classic gaslighting narcissist, y'all.

Can I just finish asking the questions, Nicole?

Go ahead, but that hotel you put us in is nasty.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

In 1492, this explorer set sail to discover the New World.

- Christopher Columbus. - Yes. That is correct.

$100 for you, Kenny.

- Nicole? - Christopher Columbus.

- Yeah, he already said that. - Okay.

But when he repeated my answear you gave him $100.

You guessed the wrong answer, Nicole.

No, you hate women.

Yo, can I... can I just give her 50 of my dollars?

- Yes. - No. That is not how the game works.

And stop using the buzzer every time you want to say something.

Who died and made you the Mayor of Game Town?

Girl, he think he the Mayor of Game Town

just because he got a little suit and a gun.

I don't have a gun. And I'm not the Mayor of anything.

What, Nicole?

Well if you don't wanna be Mayor no more, can I be Mayor?

No!

Okay. So, a woman can't be a Mayor of Game Town?

There is no Game Town.

How you gone be the Mayor of Game Town, you don't even believe, bro?

'Cause he 's not. Now I'm the new Mayor.

And the first thing I'm doing is putting us in a better hotel

with an Espresso machine.

And fluffy towels.

Look. Y'all gone burn up the batteries on them buzzers.

Now, have any of y'all ever been on a game show?

I was on "People's Court."

That's not a game show.

Then how come I won so much money?

- I don't know. - Wrong.

The answer is I stole my room mate's waffle iron and I burnt my hand.

- Now you owe us $100. - What?

Who is up there in the booth?

And as the new Mayor, I say we split the $100 3 ways, 50, 50, 50!

- Yes, girl! - Fine, be the Mayor. I quit.

I'm going back to my suite at the La Quinta.

Hey y'all, I'm the new Mayor of Game Town.

The craziest stuff is happening to me!

- Are you studying? Big test tomorrow. - Yes, I'm studying.

- Promise. -Yes, Mom.

- What is that? - Whoo...

P.O.V. You woke up at Tony's.

Hey, morning beautiful. Sleep okay?

Got breakfast for you. Coffee, fresh fruit.

Name's Tony, by the way.

Okay. This is day 342 of me walking on all fours.

Making major gains. Testosterone is off the charts.

Yo, just hooked up my boy with a fresh cut.

- How you feel, man? - I love... I love it.

Hey, grandma. You ever miss grandpa?

I miss him every day. Oh, God! Why?

Wrong flavor...

Seriously? You're 27.

LSATs are tomorrow by the way.

- Actually, just cuss a little. - For real?

What're your favorite curse words?

Probably my...

Okay, what is that? A hairless dog?

Oh, it's a man.

Are you married?

Yes.

Are you a virgin?

Yes.

Hey y'all, gabby64, I love to dance and have fun.

I want to ask y'all if you like me better with, or without glasses.

Here's with.

Here's without.

And once more with.

Y'all keep messing these two up.

Look here. These are not the same.

You're pissing me off. I will end your life.

Okay.

So, here is an explainer on the war in Ukraine. So...

That time T.I. tried standup comedy.

- What? - God is good, y'all.

What's up, gang. Critical race theory, what is it and why am I mad about it?

Let's talk.

No!

Jesus!

Oh, God! I'm gonna kill you!

Okay, eggs.

Name's Tony, by the way.

You know what? Tony can get it.

When your friends say you look exactly like Kathy from "Euphoria."

What are your favorite curse words?

Probably...

I can hear you on TikTok. Don't make me send your father up there.

Mom, I'm studying. Look!

Bud, what are you doing in here?

You were supposed to be studying for the LSATs.

Dad, stand up!

On a single day in 2008,

3 of the biggest pop songs of all time

were recorded at Interscope Studios.

And the never-before-seen footage from the session

is finally being released.

The label is so excited about the record.

We can't wait to work on this new single with y'all.

Yeah, we know it's a work in progress, but let's hear what you got so far.

Okay. Hit the track.

Gotta get that, Gotta get that

Gotta that, that, that.

Boom, boom, boom. Gotta get that.

Yeah, that's all we got so far.

William, that's a really good start.

It's Will.I.Am. And I know.

I love... I love how it's sounding.

But I think we might have to change the lyrics a little?

What you mean? The lyrics are... Boom, boom, boom.

Why would we change that?

Producers are like leeches, and art is blood to them.

Well, those were actually the temp lyrics

that we sent to describe the beat of the track.

Yeah, you were supposed to replace them with your own lyrics.

- You know, like, with words? - Producers are like leeches.

No one understands our vision.

Boom, boom, boom. It's perfect.

How about something like...

I got that boom boom pow.

Okay. What's your name again?

Apl.de.ap.

Of course. And how do you spell that?

A-p-l... Apl.de.ap.

Okay. Uh, so, we definitely have "boom, boom, boom."

But let's expand. Like, what's something we have to get?

Like, for example, money or hot girls?

You gotta get that...

"You gotta get that" what, though?

You gotta get that, that, that.

- You're suffocating me! - Taboo, relax.

Let's think. Where would this song be playing?

Maybe a night club, or a pull side bar.

Ooh, okay. I'm going to riff on that ideas.

How about something like...

People in the place.

Okay, Fergie, that's a great start.

But where would they actually be?

The place!

Okay. And... and who would be there?

The people.

But where is it they would be going?

To the place.

And where are they now?

In a place.

But who are you talking about?

The people in the place.

Let's move on.

That was amazing, Fergie, you are a genious.

Fergie, why don't we talk about your verse?

I was thinking it would be cool if it was like...

I got that boom boom pow Them chickens jacking my style

They try to copy my swagger I'm on that next is now

I'm so 2008 you so 2000 and late.

That's amazing. But I want it to be "3008."

Okay. Why?

'Cause it's bigger.

Fine. Do you have any other notes?

- My humps! - Okay! Thank you, Fergie.

Yeah, well, let's just do the next track.

Here's what it sounds like so far.

Yeah, so, we want the lyrics to be about the concept of "Tonight."

Let's start by brainstorming answers to the question,

"How is tonight gonna be?"

I'm thinking... I'm thinking something like...

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

That's amazing Will.I.Am. What else?

Yes. Now everyone yell a refrain together.

Something that feels true to who you are as a group.

Great idea.

- Mazel tov! - Yes!

Now I'm gonna go down the line.

Everyone just say one example of something you're gonna do tonight.

Are you ready?

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

- And do it. - And do it.

- And do it. - And do it.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be a hit. Maybe even your biggest.

Yeah. Either this one or that other one. What's it going to be called again?

The working title is "Let's get..." something.

Any ideas for what it could be?

"Let's get" what?

It has to be something that we can say forever.

- We can figure that out later. - Okay, cool.

We have a huge hit on our hands. Let's lay it down right now. Hit the track.

I had an amazing time at dinner.

Me too. I'm so full of cheese. I feel like I'm a little ravioli.

You already said that in the car.

You know, I usually don't bring guys home after a first date,

but something about this just feels right.

Yeah. I feel the same way.

Oh, by the way, I should mention, I live here with my grandpa.

Sorry, I should have said something earlier.

- If you want to go... - No, no.

I mean, why would I leave? I think that's really sweet. Just like you.

- Is that my gorgeous girl? - Oh, hi grandpa.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize we had company.

Well, pretend like I'm not even here.

What?

That is your grandpa?

Don't mind me, just gettin' my hot tea! Nice to meet you young man.

- Yeah, nice to meet you too, Mr... - Six. Mr. Six.

Now I'll leave you kids to it. He's handsome.

Now, where were we?

I'm sorry.

Can we pause.

Your grandpa kind of threw me.

I'd rather not make it a thing, but yeah.

My grandpa's white.

No. I was referring more to the fact

that he's the guy from the Six Flags commercials.

I knew this would happen.

People always treat me differently when they find out I come from money.

I got my boiling hot tea.

Well, off to bed.

Now, should we get back to business?

Yeah. I mean, should we? Here?

I mean, we could go to my place if you're worried about us making noise.

Trust me, honey,

you're not going to be able to make me make any noise.

I just feel...

What did you just say?

- Oh, great, grandma's still up. - Wait, your grandma?

Hey, wait, wait.

So, they're both the Six Flags guy?

No, no. My grandpa's the Six Flag guy.

She's just a six flags guy.

- Hello. Who's the lucky fellow? - Just a friend, grandma.

Now, what are you up to? Doing some laundry?

Yes, just finishing up a load of bow ties.

I got more boiling hot tea.

Off to bed.

Oh, my sweet grandparents.

Can you believe they're almost 140 years old?

What?

Now, are we going to plow or not?

You still want to?

You're still feeling it right now?

Oh, trust me, baby, with you, I'm not going to feel a thing.

What?

Shoot! I forgot.

Thursdays my grandparents have poker night with some of their friends.

But don't worry, it's not what you think.

Yeah, I feel like it is going to be what I think.

Come on in, guys.

- Danielle! Nice to see you. - Are Lorraine and Steven here?

There's like a community of them?

Barney! Chester! Albert! Ready to lose some money?

I feel like I should leave.

You want to leave? Why?

Because my grandparents and their whole friend group

are Six Flags guys?

Or because we all drove here in five separate Six Flags Vespas?

Or because you know you'll never be satisfied

by that dinky little twig in his pants?

Why is everyone assuming that?

If you want to be with me, you have to accept my culture.

And in my culture, well, we like to party.

We like... we like to party.

Now, let's dance.

Lizzo, you're going to kill at hosting this week.

I know, like, hosting? I think I can handle that.

I'd say so.

It's just like, the whole musical guest thing

that i'm stressed out about. I mean, two new songs?

I don't have those. I'm not joking.

-What... what's going on? -I got writer's block.

- What? - Can you write me a new song?

No.

I'm gonna need you to write me a new song.

- We can't. - New song now, bitch.

- Not gonna happen. - Go.

Girl you always leave me on red

Brother you leave me all blue

Little baby girl you look like my dad.

- What the hell? - Come on.

We're... we're not song writers.

- You sound hurt. - Maybe it's more real.

Maybe it's like...

I just got a haircut

I feel like you can see too much of my face.

Too much of his face.

Are you feeling vulnerable?

No, I write songs about feeling confident.

I need y'all to write a black woman anthem.

Are we the guys to do that?

We can maybe write a white man anthem?

Oh, yeah, like an anthem for white men.

- Oh, that's... actually... - Let's not do that.

Lizzo, gonna need you downstairs in ten to rehearse those new songs.

- Can't wait to hear 'em. - You know I got those bangers.

All right!

We got ten minutes, I need a song.

- You! Sexy daddy, come on. - Sexy?

Song, now.

I got my blue jeans on and a bottle of Jack.

Okay. Let's try call on...

- I woke up feeling... - Anxious.

Please let us pitch you our sketch!

Hey, we're almost ready for you.

And by the way, if those new songs aren't good, I'm gonna kill you.

- He can do that? - He's done it before.

Songs, now, go!

I woke up this morning...

- That's the "Sopranos" theme song. - Damn it.

Why are men great till...

I already wrote that one.

My girlfriend dressed like Spongebob.

Jesus! Lizzo.

- It was that bad? - You have a girlfriend?

- Do you have a crush on Martin? - What is going on with you two?

This isn't working.

We're trying so hard to make a song for you.

But we can't.

Guess I gotta go get killed by Andrew Dismukes.

I'm so sorry, Lizzo.

But before I go,

pitch me another amazing sketch idea you guys got.

Well, it's going to sound stupid now, but...

it's called "Horny Zookeeper."

It's about a zookeeper who's a little horny.

I don't know. It's dumb.

- No, I like this. - Wait, what do you mean?

Yeah, this is a great song.

It's a sketch.

The bedroom is my petting zoo.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God, it's happening.

Said the bedroom is my petting zoo

Little mama, I got tiger claws and you're my llama llama

Gonna set you on my lap like a duck That's the plan

Then I make you eat a quarter with the seeds

Out the palm of my hand 'cause I'm a horny zookeeper

You know that I'm a horny horny horny zookeeper.

Oh, my gosh.

I don't think you should do that on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, me.

Y'all know what time it is.

It's the "Weekend update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to "Weekend update."

- I'm Michael Che. - I'm Colin Jost.

A new poll shows that president Biden's approval rating

has fallen to an all-time low of 33%.

For perspective, that's less than half the approval rating

of "Sonic the hedgehog 2."

Sonic 2, features the characters Tails and Knuckles,

which are also the names of two gang members

Joe Biden claimed he fought in the 1960s.

A video has also gone viral of president Biden

finishing a speech in North Carolina

and apparently turning to shake hands with an invisible person.

Hey, her name is Kamala.

When is the last time you saw her?

President Biden seen here

trying to remember where he left his mask,

announced new federal regulations for ghost guns.

I mean, I don't like the idea of people having ghost guns either,

but "if there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?"

Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for over $40 billion

so he can loosen its free speech rules.

That's how bad white guys want to use the n-word.

Honestly, I don't understad why Elon even wants to own Twitter.

I know it used to seem important and even fun.

Now you look at it and it's confusing and depressing.

It's the Giuliani of apps.

Come on, Elon built electric cars and is going to Mars.

Why is he even involving himself with Twitter.

It's like if the prince of England gave it all up

to marry an actor from "Suits."

Plus Twitter isn't even that profitable anymore.

It just feels like a bad business decision.

And I say that as someone who bought a Staten Island ferry with Pete.

The inflation rate in the U.S. reached 8.5% in March.

To cover the higher prices,

millions of families have been forced

to take out a second OnlyFans account.

The manhunt for the New York City subway shooter

ended with the suspect called the police tip line

to say he was in East Village McDonald's,

where, judging by this photo, he was auditioning for the roll of Grimace.

- Michael... - Come on.

Jet Blue has made an offer to buy Spirit Airlines.

Said Spirit "It's 500 for the night. No kissing."

Scientists say new technology can predict

when someone will suffer a potentially fatal heart attack.

The technology it's called Peloton.

Mental health experts are now recommending

children start being screened for anxiety when they are 8 years old

because it can be pretty stressful at the ol iPhone factory.

Two Barbie dolls were launched into space for the first time ever

aboard the international space station.

"Finally they're gone", said two Ken dolls.

A Brazilian man... here we go. Sorry.

A Brazilian man had to undergo emergency surgery

after he got four-pound dumb bell stuck in his in anus.

He shoved it back up there and said "Two."

Anyway. That's why you always wipe down the equipment.

A New Jersey man was arrested

after he ran over a woman multiple times in a road rage incident,

said the woman, "Sorry, sorry."

Google Earth has released

a new feature that allows people to see a time lapse

of how their neighborhood has changed in the last 40 years.

"Don't remind me", said my grandpa.

A police officer in San Francisco pulling over a driverless car

and pulling away after the officer saw no one was behind the wheel.

Still amazing, he still managed to shoot an unarmed black guy.

Krispy Kreme is running a promotion

offering a dozen doughnuts for $4.11, the average price of a gallon of gas.

But that's counterproductive because now your car

is going to have to work harder to drag your fat as around.

You know, a lot of people ask me if they can be on "Update"

and do some comedy and I've always said no.

We're a serious news program and last week I got drunk enough to say yes

while being driven home from the after party.

Here to make his network debut, my driver, Caesar Perez.

Hey. Mr. Jost!

85 winboard Avenue East Hampton, right?

You didn't have to say my home address.

So, Cesar, you wanted to try stand up?

I have to, Colin. I've got the "Mind of Mencia", man.

-I hope this crowd can handle it! - We'll see. Take it away.

Hey, "Weekend update", how are are you?

Anyone here got a family? Me too.

Man, I got a crazy familia. Like my crazy nephew, Carlitos.

Kid's obsessed with lizzards. He has nine of them!

Now he wants another one?

Hey, Carlitos, how about instead of 10 lizards, you get one girlfriend.

All right. Yeah, that's pretty good Cesar.

I don't know, man. I think that was kind of mean.

- Can we edit that out? - Sorry, we're famously live.

What kind of man says something like that about his nephew?

I got to apologize, Colin.

Carlitos, I'm so proud of you.

You get a girlfriend whenever you're ready.

Or a boyfriend, or a lizard. Whatever makes you happy.

You're going to be a great dad one day.

I love you so much.

That's really sweet but I don't think we need worry.

- Just trust your material. - You're right, Colin.

I just won't do nephew jokes. So anyone here got a sister?

I got a crazy sister. Look at her. She got purple hair.

What are you trying to do? Land a day with an Oompa Loompa ?

That's the worst mistake she made since she gave birth to Carlitos.

- Cesar ! - I know, I did it again.

And it's almost Easter.

Jesus is going to wake up in his cave and be so disappointed in me.

Carlitos, I'm so proud of you.

Your family doesn't care that you smell your headger,

or that you named your lizards after the cast of "Selling Sunset".

We love you, Mijo. Please forgive me.

All right. Well, maybe jokes aren't your thing or apologies.

You are right. I should stick to impressions,

like the one of my Abuelita.

She's crazy old.

She's like "My skin is so wrinkled! Why does Carlito keep taking my lotion?"

Cesar, come on..

Easy, Cesar.

I know, this "Mind of Mencia", It's tearing my family apart.

Carlitos, listen. Don't be embarrassed about the lotion.

You were only stealing it to moisturize your lizards.

It's gonna be okay.

You can be a gross nerd your whole life is and still be successful.

Just look at Colin Jost.

- My driver, Cesar everybody. - No tip?

No. For "Weekend update". I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hi, everybody. Thank you for being here.

Hi. I'm Tarnuria.

And I'm Ezra-heem-a-heim-icus.

And we're in charge of Mazrathin the God-King's weekly debauched party

here in the Throne Room.

Why don't we start by giving ourselves a round of applause?

Yeah, this party, orgy, whatever you want to call it,

is a big part of Mazrathin's image as the depraved, insane God-King.

So, obviously we want everyone to make sure they know their part.

- Now, is our snake guy here? - Yes, that's me.

Love the snake. And what will you be doing during the party?

Well I was told to cruise the room and menace people with the snake

by sort of sticking it in their faces. Kind of just like...

You know? That kind of thing.

I love that. Very threatening and sexual, which is the vibe.

Now, do I have any Sensuous Woman and her Tender Boy?

- I believe that's me. - And moi.

One question. When it comes to my little Tender Boy,

should I tease him with sweet temptings like so?

Or maybe, I can punish him for being insolent

by smacking him on his virgin behind.

- And can we see that? - Bring that ass!

- Something like that? - Honestly, I love both.

Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm the guy who spits fire balls at people entering the room.

So, I'll be by the door, and when someone comes in,

it'll just be like, "Welcome to the den of earthly delight!"

And I can dial that up or down, whatever you need.

It's feeling good to me right there. And I love the no eyebrows.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much. Yeah, they burned off.

Is our old woman caked in makeup with rotten teeth who laughs here?

Present. Yeah, I'll show you what I was thinking for the laugh.

Just let me find it.

- Like that? - Exactly. Where will you be on the day?

Yeah, I was told to just hang in the shadows,

but emerge in moments of unease.

Yeah. Exactly.

And is the man who's playing the unsettling music here?

- Can we hear that? - Yeah. Sure.

And I can make this even worse if you want.

No, no is perfect.

It really captures the feeling of sexual doom.

- This is a cursed orgy after all. - Right. Yes.

And speaking to the orgy of it all, who is having sex?

That would be us.

Love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.

Yes, so true.

Now, we want the sex to blend in with the party, you understand?

You're... you're saying it should be a part of the event,

but not the event, got it.

Right. It's happening, but it's not the focus. I can do that.

Yeah, exactly.

'Cause I feel we want this to look like

one big undulating mass of skin and hair and fluids.

That's our North Star.

And do we have someone who will be fanning them with a huge feather?

I'm on it.

And I assume you have...

An enormous penis that I'll just have out the whole time? Yes.

Hi. Sorry, I'm late. I'm from the temple of Shaz-ri-kaz.

I was told you wanted a goat for the orgy?

So am I worshipping it, or making out with it, or what are we doing?

Well, making out with it is interesting.

Let's walk through that at half speed, just so we have it down.

I'll give you a cue for the goat and... background.

Loving this. Great feather work.

Great writhing. And action, goat !

Blessed be the horned wonder!

That is gonna be such a show stopper.

Okay, I think that's everyone...

Wait, is our Puckish Imp here?

That'd be me.

Not what I expected.

I know I'm a little older than most Puckish Imps,

but I was told the gig was mostly stealing people's wine

and scampering away.

Maybe I could show you what I was thinking?

Okay, let's see it.

- I stand corrected. - Really good. Really puckish.

Oh, my God. Okay. He's here.

Places everyone! Music. This is it.

Behold ! Mazrathin the God-King walks among you.

Come on out, bud.

There he is!

Once again, my daughter, Lizzo.

I know it's been hard, but I'm still glad you're here.

No. Stop, stop.

How are we going to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

without a flautist?

Excuse me. Somebody looking for a flutist?

It's flautist, but, yes. Who are you?

The name's Tony Banks.

And I manage the greatest flutist of our time.

Lips and lungs sent from God herself.

The incomparable Beverly Gags.

- Good evening, your honor. - I'm not a judge. I'm a conductor.

And this is The Devry Institute Symphony Orchestra.

If she wants first chair, I must hear her play.

You ain't said nothing but a word.

Bitch, show that man what you got.

Look at that breath control.

Yeah, and everything else too.

So, she got the part?

Well, she's clearly talented, but I just don't think she's our style.

I don't know, sir, we're in quite a bind.

The show is in three hours.

Don't be racist.

Well, when you put it that way,

I suppose we can allow a quick audition. So, take your seat.

I'm so excited. You won't regret it, Mr. Conductor.

From the top of Ode to Joy.

Let's stop, please. Let's stop.

Why you stopping, Jack? She was just getting in the groove.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because she was twerking on our bassoonist.

This is a traditional symphony.

You know, one where you sit down and play.

So you want me to sit down on the twerk. Got it.

No, no, no.

Nobody wants that.

I mean... I wouldn't say nobody.

Look.

- Ms. Beverly... - Gags.

I think we heard her last name enough, okay?

Can you please try to do this sitting down?

I can't do that.

- Yeah, that's a tall order, Jack. - How is that a tall order?

You just sit down and you play a solo.

If you say so.

Please stop.

What was that? You were playing so well before.

Well, sir, the truth is...

Thank you, girl.

The truth is the only way I can play the flute is if i'm twerking.

See, two years ago, I couldn't play any instrument.

And then one day last summer, the ice cream truck pulled up,

and I heard that jingle.

And that beat had my body moving in ways that made me feel powerful,

like I could do anything, even play the flute.

And the rest is history.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is our final performance of the season

and it will be just too distracting if one of us is twerking.

Then, what if we all are twerking?

What?

We are the Devry Institute Orchestra. We make music together.

And if that means I have to pop this booty for Beethoven, then so be it.

To Steve. May the next chapter be as exciting as the last.

- Cheers. - Cheers. Thanks, buddy.

Still can't believe I finally quit my job.

So what happened exactly?

I realized why am I wasting my life at a job I hate

when I don't actually need to work. So, I told my boss I quit.

- That's so badass. - So cool dude.

I'm so glad he did.

Now we can finally start living our lives.

So, what's the plan? What's next?

We are actually gonna travel. Europe, Brazil, you name it.

And as far as money goes, we're not worried.

- Steve has his investments. - Investing. I got to get into that.

You must, Paul. Financial safety is so important.

You have to make your money work for you.

There is many ways to achieve it. You can invest in a fund,

a business or, in my case, I have my Beanie Babies.

Yeah. I'm holding on to these bad boys since 1993

and my friends, it's time to cash in.

Needless to say, we won't be worrying about money for quite some time.

Yeah. That is really cool.

But you know though, I think I heard a lot of Beanie Babies

aren't actually worth that much.

How do you mean?

I mean, he is right they're essentially worthless.

All of them?

Most.

God damn it!

What have you done? That was our life savings.

It was worthless. Don't you see my life's work is wasted.

Sweety, relax. You can still get your old job back, right?

-No, I cannot go back there. - Why not?

Because when I quit I talked with my butt like Jim Carrey does.

I bent over, grabbed my cheeks

and puffted them like he was doing the talking.

What did you say?

I went something like "Screw you guys, I'm out of here."

- That's terrible. - I know.

What are we going to do, Steve? We're going to lose the house.

Maybe I start drawing Mario full time.

What? You can't make money drawing Mario, Steve.

Last week I drew you a Mario.

You said it was the best one you had ever seen.

It was. It was better than the actual Mario

but drawing Mario isn't a job, Steve.

Somebody somewhere is drawing Mario, Anette.

Do you expect me to believe Nintendo has no interest

in the man who did this?

Steve, I'm sorry, but that isn't really a very good Mario.

And you made his clothes green. Isn't that Louigi?

Guys, you dont have to lie. It's an objectively perfect Mario.

- Better than the actual Mario. - Yes, baby.

But Steve...

there's something I need to tell you.

What?

I shouldn't be drinking that.

The reason I'm worried about money is...

because you're going to be a daddy.

My God. I'm going to be a daddy?

- Baby, I love you so much. - I love you too.

I ran away that night.

Never saw any of those people ever again.

Started a new life here in Japan.

Now, I'm Nintendo's number one Mario drawer.

And son, if you're reading this:

Stop trying to contact me.

I really bums me out to hear from you.

Yours, Steven.

Tonight was the best night ever.

Thank you so much for the cast and crew.

Thanks, me.

Good night! I love you!

Subtitling: FAST TITLES MEDIA