Original subtitles

Wow, what a day!

Your speech was terrific, Ketanji.

I'm sorry, I mean Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Bet you can't say that three times fast.

I'm shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Thank you, Mr. President.

I'm so grateful you put your trust in me.

I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court, and I did.

So that's one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Well, I was happy to do my part.

Work twice as hard as the white man my entire life

and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Thanks. I should go get ready.

But, Ketanji, this is a big damn deal.

You're the first black female justice, but you won't be the last.

It's just a normal thing now, like wearing Crocs in public.

Thank you?

But, you know, take a moment in this room, feel the weight of history.

Sometimes, I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans

who came before me.

-Do you understand what I'm trying to say? -That you miss Obama?

Every day. Like crazy.

Mr. President, we really, really have to go.

I'll see you in a minute. Take your time.

There is a lot of history in this room.

Who would I want to talk to? Oh, I know.

-Good to meet you. -Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

-How is this possible? -Well, you tell me. It's your imagination.

Alright, what do you want to know?

Well, I'd love some to know what advice you have for me

as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Okay, okay. Here's my advice. Always label your lunches.

A lot of those other justices... they got sticky fingers.

And, second, if you are anything like me,

white ladies will start wearing buttons of your face like an "I voted" sticker.

It's freaky, but they mean well.

Anyway, I just want to say, I'm so proud of you.

-I know you're gonna do a great job. -Thank you. That means a lot.

And, look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer,

but in the end, you know, people do the right thing.

I mean, I was confirmed at the Senate 96-3, right?

-So, what was your vote? -53-47.

Yeah. A lot of them walked out, and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

-Texas? -You know it was.

You should have seen that man.

He actually sat there on TV and read a children's book at me.

Well, it was Ted Cruz, so I bet the book was called "Good Night Cancun."

And that's a Gins-burn.

Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn?

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God! Justice Thurgood Marshall!

Yes, that's exactly who you're imagining.

What an exciting day! We've come a long way.

Well, thanks to you.

You were on the front lines of the Civil Rights Movement.

Yep, yep.

I was there when people of color in this country came together

with one voice and said, "Enough is enough."

And then white folks said, "We'll think about it."

But that was a different time.

-Some things are still sort of similar. -Oh, yeah?

Is there a threat of nuclear war with Russia?

-Inflation still popping off? -For sure.

-Is Joe Biden still a politician? -Very much so.

So, what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Well, never give up.

Democracy can be slow and messy, it stumbles, but over time, it moves forward.

I mean, I was the first Black Supreme Court justice, so you must be what?

-The 10th, the 20th? -Nope, just the third.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Yeah, I have some questions.

-Harriet Tubman? -That's right.

Conductor of the Underground Railroad.

My question is, what are we doing in The White House?

-Did we get in trouble? -Not at all.

Actually, because of the bravery of women like you,

a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people.

-I'm on the Supreme Court. -I like that.

-I have a seat at the table. -I like that.

And I'm going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Don't like that. Sounds like a trap.

-No, no, no. It's not like that. -Okay. Okay.

But if it is, light two candles and meet me in the farmhouse at midnight.

No, no. I'm good. I'm just excited to get to work.

But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

Well, that's me, Jackie Robinson,

the first black player in the Major Leagues.

And let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

Here's my advice. Watch out for batteries.

You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Oh, that's what they said about baseball,

but they still threw those damn batteries.

Wish we had helmets back then.

But the good news is, you'll probably be making a lot more money

than a measly old baseball player.

I wish. Baseball players today average about $4 million a year.

Oh, excuse me for a second.

Thank you. I've been holding that in since 1947.

Well, thank you all for your advice.

It's a lot of pressure, but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

That's great. So even the bad players are millionaires?

-Yep. -Ain't that something.

And... Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

It's "Saturday Night Live"...

with...

Aidy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate McKinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodim.

Chris Redd.

Cecil Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villaseñor.

Bowen Yang.

featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Musical guest, Camila Cabello.

And your host, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Gyllenhaal!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. I'm so, so excited to be back at "SNL."

The last time I hosted was the year 2007.

You know how long ago that was? That was like 400 Marvel movies ago.

To give you an idea of what it was like in 2007,

in the show I hosted, there was a George W. Bush sketch.

There were jokes about the first iPhone.

And this is a photo from me from my monologue.

Yeah, there I am in full drag singing a song from "Dream Girls"

to promote a movie where I played a gay cowboy.

And that was...

But that was actually the least-problematic thing in that episode.

But looking back, I feel like I was a totally different person.

You know, it's funny.

I got this reputation for being this serious, intense method actor,

but, honestly, I wasn't even that good at method acting.

I remember for this movie "Nightcrawler," I went to the director and I was like,

"Get ready for me to lose 48 pounds and win the Oscar."

And then, a week later, I was like, "How would you like to see an actor

lose 36 pounds and win the Golden Globe?"

And then I showed up on set and I was like, "You're looking at a guy

who gained 10 pounds and doesn't care about awards."

The truth is, I was only doing that method stuff

because I thought that's what you had to do to be a serious actor,

and I kind of forgot how to have fun.

That's when I realized something I should have realized a long time ago.

Acting is a really stupid job.

It's pretend and it's fun and it should be filled with joy.

Well, I'm finally embracing that joy again,

and that's why I'm back standing on this stage.

I mean, I never thought "SNL" would come calling again.

I mean, it's been 15 years.

And I wasn't sure I'd remember how to host.

But being here tonight, it feels like everything is suddenly... coming back.

There were nights when the wind was so cold

That my body froze in bed

If I just listened to it right outside the window

But when you see me like this

And I host you like that

I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me

It's all coming back It's all coming back to you now

There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light

There were sketches I would never do again,

But then they always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure

It was more than any shows allowed

Baby, baby

If you want me like this

And if you need me like that

I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me

I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

We got a great show for you tonight. Camila Cabello is here.

So stick around. We will be right back.

It's the game show you love to like.

It's "Why'd You Like It?", with your host, Denny Donegan.

Alright. Welcome to "Why'd You Like It?",

the game show where we ask contestants, "Why'd you like it?"

I'm your host, Denny Donegan.

-Tonight's contestants are Beth... -Hi! Can't wait to play.

-Kenny... -What's up, y'all? Let's do this.

-And Brad. -Excited to be here, Denny.

I'm still not totally sure what this show is,

but looking forward to finding out.

Well, the game is easy.

We show you a picture that you liked on Instagram

and ask you the simple question, "Why'd you like it?"

So, Brad, why don't we start with you.

Oh, oh, okay.

On March 19th, you liked this photo.

So, the question is, "Why'd you like it?"

She's my friend.

I like her dog?

I thought she was attractive.

Still doesn't explain why you liked it.

I mean, you could have just looked at it, but you did the double tap.

So the question remains, why?

I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it,

she would see that I liked it and then she would follow me back

then we'd DM and then maybe, at some point... I don't know...

she'd want to have sex with me.

That is correct.

Thank you. Yes.

And just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight.

She... she is, yeah.

You are a stupid man.

I really didn't understand the premise of the show.

Alright, next up, Kenny.

Pass.

Nope. You can't pass. Alright.

Two weeks ago, you liked this photo.

Oh, okay. That's art. That's not even bad.

Alright. Then this question should be easy.

-Why'd you like it? -I'm cultured.

I'd like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan Thee Stallion,

who has 28 million followers and averages two million likes per post.

So, again, why'd you like it?

I'm a fan of her music.

I'm a fan of her art.

I'm a fan of Instagram in general.

Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones

with Megan's face and booty, so I thought if I liked this one,

it's more likely she'd see it

and she'd know that I like her for more than her body, but, like, for her mind.

And then it'd be like a "Notting Hill" type of situation.

She'd DM me, one thing leads to another, and pretty soon, we're having sex.

That's pathetic.

Do not speak.

-Can I leave? Is... -No.

Alright, Beth, you're up.

Okay, well, this should be easy for me,

because I don't go around liking thirst traps on Instagram.

Love that confidence.

Because yesterday, you liked this photo from 2017.

Seems fine.

It is a picture of your ex-boyfriend's sister.

So why'd you like it?

We still keep in touch.

I like her dog.

Waterfall.

You scrolled back five years to like it.

Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo, she'd see my name pop up on her feed

and remember that I was nice, and then maybe at the next family dinner,

she'd turn to my ex and be like, "You know who I miss? Beth!"

And then my ex would DM me and maybe say, "We should grab coffee sometime."

And cut to two hours later, and we're raw-dogging in a Starbucks bathroom.

What is wrong with you people?

Why did you bring us here?

-You know what that sound means. -You know we don't know.

Well, it's time for Round 2, "Why Do You Follow Them?"

In this round, I show you an Instagram profile,

and the only thing you have to do is tell me, why do you follow them?

Pass.

It's not gonna happen.

Alright. Let's get that profile up.

You all follow Joe Biden.

-Why? -He's the president.

He knows Obama.

During the election, I felt like I wasn't doing enough politically,

so I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do.

So close.

And I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him,

they'd want to have sex with me.

I'm gonna kill you.

I wasn't gonna do anything.

I mean, unless one of them DM'd me and commented on some of my photos.

Alright, alright.

Look, maybe in the past, I've been pretty shallow when it comes to social media,

but thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend

and maybe it's time to get off this thing for good.

In the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now, you liked, un-liked,

and liked again this photo.

I'm sorry. I cannot change.

Understood. We'll be right back after the break with Round 3...

Why did you react to their Instagram story despite never meeting them?

Stick around.

Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

We're the... "Dream Home Cousins."

My cousin Gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home

for Lillian and her quiet, milquetoast husband Pat,

who's deeply uncomfortable on camera.

And now we're ready to show them the plans we drew up.

For the record, I did most of the drawing.

-Oh, brother. -Don't you mean, "Oh, cousin"?

Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Yes. I'm so excited.

Pat?

Now, we all agreed on a design,

but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother,

Bea, and her 27-year-old cat,

Charles-David, would also be moving into your house,

which required us to change a few things.

But it's still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

You bet, just slightly modified.

Let's start with the living room.

Lillian, you wanted this space to be "an oasis of relaxation."

Oh, I love that!

But Bea wanted this space to be, "Where we put my cat's medical equipment."

Unfortunately, the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27-year-old cat

with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

-God, this f... cat! -What did you say?

Now for the kitchen.

We thought this captured Lillian's vision of an open-concept design.

And we would have loved to build that,

but since Bea's going to be doing most of the cooking...

All the cooking... Skinny Minnie can't cook.

...we went with a more closed-concept feel.

And since Bea is afraid of gas,

we swapped the six-burner Viking Range for an olive-green electric stove

and Oster toaster oven,

both from Bea's current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Back when America still built things.

Are you gonna fight for anything I want?

Now, Lillian, I sense that you're probably feeling

that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Yes.

-But upstairs... -Has also been compromised.

We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate

Charles-David's motorized stair-chair.

But good news, Lillian.

We were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Yay! It's perfect.

But it will have to double as the display room

for Bea's collection of Wise Quackers...

large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930s gangster outfits.

And with 90 Wise Quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped.

So? What do we think so far?

I think that Skinny Minnie open her legs and etole my son.

I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

-What?! You told her that? -I gave my sweetness.

Oh, my God.

Okay, let's show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Okay. That's gorgeous.

And here's where we landed after talking to Bea.

Since this will be her bedroom, as well, we'll swap the king bed for three singles.

And since Bea hates large, open spaces...

The devil's in the rafters.

...those 15-foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about 6 feet.

You're 6'1".

I'll crouch.

But don't worry, Bea.

We made sure there was enough wall space

for all the old black-and-white photographs

of your stern-looking ancestors.

That was when men were men.

And now, drumroll, please.

For the primary bathroom,

Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading her privacy,

which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

You know them perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

No one wants to see you "make your dirt."

-Hit her. -Mother, no.

Hit her.

Are you thinking about it?

When we come back, the upstairs demo begins.

Two, one...

Okay.

Hello, everyone. We hope you're enjoying the music and dinner.

If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla,

I just want to say, I have the same car, so let's talk.

And now, without further ado, our biggest act of the night,

The Singers Four.

Tonight is a special reunion.

They haven't performed together in five years.

But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight.

Please welcome The Singers Four!

Hello, everybody.

I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.

We are The Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.

You know, so many songs are dedicated to greatness,

but we've lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great.

Some of us are just walking around.

This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.

Because it's what we've got, it's all we want, and it's actually a lot.

I don't have taste I don't have plans

I've been passed over I've been picked last

I'm not winning any medals

Not number one, two, or three

Who the hell's counting?

But I've made my bed Every day this month

I can parallel park under any condition

When I pump inside of a lady Stuff comes out

And that's my thing for me

Look, no one can climb Everest, but you know what I just did?

Well, tell us, Johnny.

I finished an entire Chap Stick without losing it.

-I've never done that. -I know.

And I think that means I'm a good dad.

That's exactly what it means.

I'm not a queen I'm not the best

Might not be special Might not be blessed

If it's graded on a curve, I'm the one getting B's

That's almost an "A."

But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm

I used to smoke, but then I stopped

My e-mail in-box has zero e-mails

And that's my thing for me

So, tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?

Well, I'll never win the Nobel Prize, but I can say that I met Eric Nies.

And who is that?

He was in the original cast of "The Real World."

Well, that's terrific!

You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me

is that I'm not the best at sex.

Okay. Tell me more.

Well, it's not going to be anything new,

but I guarantee one thing... you're not going to feel scared or upset.

You go, girl!

My grandmother says I'm classically handsome

I grew out of a peanut allergy

I don't know why, but I never got COVID

And I hated "Hamilton" before it was cool

Once a year, I call off of work, I pretend I'm sick,

and I go to the movies

Then I go home, and my wife says, "How was work?"

And I say, "Good," and nobody knows

And that's his thing for him

Come on, every dinner... it can't be steak.

Sometimes, it's old, wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up!

Every night can't be the best night of your life.

It'd be exhausting. You'd end up in a hospital.

Gold isn't the only metal. What does gold do? Sparkle?

Who cares? You know what tin does?

Preserves tomatoes forever.

And fine, we don't have Grammys,

but we have Grammys of weed, which is what I call it

when I don't have that much weed left.

I do not read I do not floss

The world, it saw me and said, "Get lost"

I don't have any trophies, but I have a TV

He can watch whatever he wants.

Some people are faster, some people are hotter

But I put lemon in my water

Sure, I'm not regal, sure, I'm not rich

But when I cook chicken, it's never dry, bitch

I don't have money, I don't have power

But every time I use it, I clean one part of the shower

Sure, I don't write poems that transcend But I have a son,

And he has a friend

And that's enough for me

Alright, my beautiful little spring bulbs, you're getting bigger every day.

And it looks like you're thirsty for a sprinkle.

Thank you, Mr. Greenthumb.

We love those little sprinkles!

I know I love them a lot!

Excuse me. I'm a little confused.

Yesterday, I was just a bulb in the Earth, and now I'm different.

Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you'd arrive.

Yeah, you're a late bloomer.

Not sexually, just as a flower.

You're going to like it here.

Just about everything is perfect, because...

It's spring Well, everywhere but Idaho

'Cause there is still a lot of snow But spring has finally sprung

Yes, spring has finally sprung

You're right... I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing And Easter things

Spring, spring, spring...

Hey, everybody. What are we talking about?

We were just saying how wonderful spring is, Mr. Bee.

Oh, yeah. Spring is the best. Love spring.

Hey, wait. What are you doing?

What? I'm just doing what bees do.

It's okay.

It doesn't feel okay.

It looks like you're having sex with his head.

No, no. I'm just getting pollen on my legs or whatever.

It's all very natural and necessary.

Wait! Don't do me after you just did him!

-Can you believe this? -I know.

It's like, when is it going to be my turn?

Oh, I'll get to everybody.

-Oh, and it kind of tickles. -Shut up, shut up. I'm close.

Okay.

What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

I basically squeeze a load of goop out my butt, and then people eat it.

Pretty kinky, right?

Get out of there, you silly bee! Don't you be bothering my pretty flowers!

Thank goodness that's over.

Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Wait! Who are you?

Just another flower, like you guys.

-Are you sure you're not a weed? -No, I'm a flower.

Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

-Choke me? No! -Okay. Why not, though?

-I think you might like it. -Hey, get away from us, weirdo.

You're not a flower. You don't belong here.

Oh, you don't think I belong here?

You don't want me in your little gated flower community?

Are you hearing this bull?

Come on! Just let me choke you!

Stop!

-Can you believe this? -I know.

It's like, when is it going to be my turn?

Hey! Go away, you stupid weed! Get back!

You can kill me, but you can't kill the revolution!

A lot happens in this garden bed.

At least the day hasn't been all bad.

We're all together, and there's not a cloud in the sky.

Wait. There is a cloud.

And why is the cloud so furry?

And why does the cloud have a dog penis?

Mr. Peanut, don't do that on my flowers.

What is that? What is that hot liquid?

-It's so salty! -I don't mind it.

I'm getting out of here.

Oh, my God! I don't have legs! Where are my legs?!

Make it stop!

It's so dark! He must be dehydrated!

When is it going to be my turn?

Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh, my poor flowers are soaked.

I guess maybe being a flower isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Don't say that!

Don't you ever!

It's been a long, gray winter, and people need us.

Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas.

Even if, right now, we don't exactly smell so good.

You're right.

Look at the smile on Mr. Greenthumb's face right now.

Let's see which one of y'all is going to look good on the vase on my mantel.

No! They killed Jake Flower-haal!

-Is that who that was? -Man, this garden is crazy.

Can I choke you a little bit?

Finally.

Oh, my God. These meetings tonight are brutal.

I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.

-I am so done with Janet. -Okay! She is awful!

I know.

She's always, like, running down the hallway so fast.

It's like, "What's the big rush, Janet? You don't actually do anything."

I know. And does she have to eat tuna every day?

It makes me sick. And she chews with her mouth open like a farm animal.

Okay, the worst is when she's quiet. It's so creepy.

Like yesterday, when we were car-pooling, I completely forgot she was in the car

because she didn't say a word the whole time.

Then, all of a sudden, she just pops up in the back seat out of nowhere like Chucky.

Hey, Chucky.

We didn't, uh, realize you were in there.

Well, I was.

Did you hear us talking?

No, not really.

Only the part where you compared me to Janet, you filthy sluts!

I'll teach you to mess with me!

Chucky, no!

Now, I know no one likes getting called into an HR meeting,

but given what happened this morning, I felt it was necessary.

Chucky, as you know, we have a company policy against stabbing

your co-workers in the legs with a knife.

But, ladies, we also have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to bullying.

What you said about Chucky was uncalled for,

especially comparing him to Janet, who we all know sucks.

I'm sorry. Why do I have to be here?

To take notes, Janet. Idiot!

Okay, so, how can we stop this kind of thing from happening in the future?

By putting these bitches in body bags?

See? That's it right there.

Chucky's always saying things like that.

I also think these gender-neutral bathrooms were a big mistake.

Only because now I have to worry about Chucky dropping down

from the ceiling and landing on my back while I'm sitting on the toilet.

Don't tempt me with a good time.

Chucky! Stop!

Chucky, I understand that when your feelings get hurt,

your first instinct is violence.

For example, you're stabbing me in the leg right now.

-Oh, my God. -You see? He doesn't belong here.

Yes, he does.

Each of us has a different story.

Megan, you have a background in PR.

Peggy, you were in the military.

And, Chucky...

...you did an ancient voodoo curse that when combined with a lightning strike

transferred your soul to the body of a doll.

That's something that no one else here can say.

He's not even listening.

-I think we're making progress. -Look!

Oh, my God!

Janet!

-Are you eating tuna right now? -What?

Ladies and gentlemen, Camila Cabello.

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to "Weekend Update."

-I'm Michael Che. -I'm Colin Jost.

The Senate confirmed Ketanji Brown Jackson,

making her the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court.

"I'll drink to that," said Brett Kavanaugh.

Justice Jackson was honored Friday at a White House ceremony

and said, "We have come a long way toward perfecting our union,"

which is a direct quote from Ben Affleck's proposal to J-Lo.

Republican Senator Tom Cotton,

who wants everyone to cool it with the long-neck jokes...

...said he believes Supreme Court Justice Jackson would have defended the Nazis.

Worse, he meant it as a compliment.

Senator Mitch McConnell,

seen here watching the Oscars' "In Memoriam" package,

reportedly said that his "no" vote

on Ketanji Brown Jackson's Supreme Court nomination was not based on race or gender

but on Ketanji's refusal to answer his question, "Can I touch your hair?"

Health officials say that the annual Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, D.C.,

became a COVID superspreader event

with more than 50 high-ranking officials getting infected.

The problem was a lot of people took off their masks during the post-dinner orgy.

-You can't do that. -A picture.

-Can't do that. -That picture really paints a picture.

Health officials in Washington, D.C.,

confirmed that a fox that bit a congressman near the Capitol had rabies.

Officials suspect the fox contracted rabies

when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor Greene.

In a new interview,

Donald Trump says that he wanted to join the January 6th march on the Capitol

but that the Secret Service wouldn't allow it.

Also keeping him from storming the Capitol... steps.

Too many steps.

Barack Obama returned to the White House

for the first time in five years and jokingly...

He jokingly referred to Joe Biden as "Vice President."

Hey, Barack, don't confuse him.

As punishment for slapping Chris Rock,

the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences has banned Will Smith

from attending the Oscars for 10 years.

But is that a punishment?

He can still be nominated and even win an award.

He can even go to the after party.

He just doesn't have to attend the four-hour ceremony

where someone is definitely going to make fun of his wife again.

Honestly, I think a real punishment would be

to make Will Smith host next year's Oscars.

Because, trust me, nothing will make you question your choices

in life more than hosting an awards show.

I loved it.

Business leaders in Miami are hoping to make the city

the cryptocurrency capital of the country,

because just like crypto, Miami won't be around in about 20 years.

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made a televised speech

during Sunday's Grammy Awards.

It was a heartfelt, impassioned plea to help the people of Ukraine

but missed a opportunity for a legendary "G.I. Jane" joke.

Still upset, huh?

Disney announced that it will soon lift a COVID protocol

and once again allow park guests to hug costumed characters.

"Thank God," said an adult man standing next to Jasmine.

Red Lobster's CEO is resigning after just eight months on the job saying,

"I have truly loved my time here at Red Lobster,"

which is also what my dates say to me right before getting in their Uber.

Oh, this is fun.

An alligator in Florida was photographed swimming with a football in its mouth.

Turning now to sports news, Tom Brady is missing.

A personal-injury attorney in Florida allegedly drove her car into four people.

Said the attorney, "Have you been injured in an accident?"

That's a dumb joke. It was reported...

It was reported that at least 139 people around the country

have said they became sick after eating the breakfast cereal Lucky Charms.

Well, 1 or 2 people getting sick could be a coincidence, but 139?

That's tragically suspicious.

Thank you, thank you.

No, don't applaud that.

Thank you so much.

A new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their Whoppers

as bigger than what people actually get.

It's the same accusation made in the case of Women vs. Michael Che.

Advertising companies are mining online data in order to predict consumer trends.

Here to comment are two trend forecasters.

-Hello, hello, Michael. This is incredible.

Wow, okay, so, you're here to share your data on today's most popular trends.

Yes.

We are tracking the trends with a big, old, mean computer.

The numbers are in, and the trends have been cast.

-Here is... -The report!

-Our first category is... -Workout trends.

In... not wiping down the equipment.

In... hurting your back.

In... full bush in the locker room.

And out...

Jogging to Kelly Clarkson!

Jogging to Kelly Clarkson, you're out!

So go to hell!

She has a talk show now.

So she doesn't have time to motivate your juicy ass.

You had your chance! You blew it! Go to bed, bitch!

Damn!

You guys are so mad.

Keep it down, Mike.

And listen to our next category.

Romance trends.

In... kissing with tongue and hands too.

In... cheating.

In... sticking your pinky in new places.

And out?

Waiting outside the fitting room!

Waiting outside the fitting room, suck junk.

While you're trying to rob her, I'm getting a Wetzel's Pretzel, fool.

Come out from the curtain and kiss me or I'll kill you!

Go to bed, bitch!

Why do you keep sending things to bed?

Because they have to get up early for a flight... to hell!

Alert. Important alert.

We have our next category.

Sound trends.

In...

In...

In...

And out?

If you're going to sneeze, just do it, show-off!

Are you going to sneeze or are you going to orgasm?

And don't you dare tell me "it passed."

You better sneeze, bitch.

Go to bed and never wake!

What are you talking about?

You are beautiful, but you are stupid.

-Next up, it's... -Future trends.

In... Eating pills inside cheese.

In... asking someone, "Would you like any Parmesan?"

And what's going to be out in the future?

Well, Michael, the computer has sadly ousted three trends.

And you know that they have to die for being out.

Out is fancy derby hat.

Shake Weight.

And Michael Che!

No!

-The trend forecasters, everyone! -Go to bed, bitch!

-For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che. -I'm Colin Jost. Good night.

Hello and welcome to "Lights, Camera, Achoo!,"

a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history,

from Tom Hanks in "Philadelphia" to Tom Hanks' girlfriend in "Forrest Gump."

Tonight, we focus on the role of Doc Holliday,

made famous by Val Kilmer in "Tombstone," the Southern gentleman cowboy

who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret.

But did you know another actor played Doc Holliday even sicker

just the year before?

Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film

"Cough, Cough, Bang, Bang."

Well, if it isn't Earl, my favorite bartender in the whole West.

You got a free drink for your old pal, don't you, Earl?

My name is Greg.

And my God.

It's Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo!

Their gang's been terrorizing the whole Southwest.

Alright, listen up.

We heard an old lawman by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Well, you can tell me yourself.

Well, well, Wyatt Earp.

Where's your little lap dog... Doc Holliday?

Well, I do declare I'd rather be a lap dog than a yellow-bellied chic...

Are you okay there, Doc?

Oh, yeah. Just have a little tickle in my throat

and a bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief.

Which means I'm on the mend.

Now, if I'm not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill.

Which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo.

Word is you're the fastest gun this side of the Mississipp'.

Hey, Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Of course not.

-You just seem like visibly sick. -Nonsense!

It's just allergies.

Come on, man! At least cover your mouth!

Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out

and make your brain actually work for a change?

No, man.

I think he's worried about catching whatever insane illness you have.

Sweat is pouring down your face, man!

Well, that's ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108.

Now, can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

I think you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc.

Ah, well, some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

-Stop touching the nuts! -I told you.

I am not contagious.

It's just a case of the sniffles.

What the hell?!

Dude! Do you have, like, ebola?

Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Well, I think he's just sweaty 'cause I got him all worked up.

Well, I confess I'm feeling a stirrin' in my britches,

which means I'm either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

So you're wearing diapers now?

My doctor said a lot of 30-year-olds wear diapers.

Did anyone else eat that raw snake at the cookout last week?

Alright, get the hell out of here.

Coming in here with your snake flu, drinking from my cups

and having sex with my white daughter?!

You know what?

I'm going to end Doc Holliday's life right now before God gets the satisfaction.

Well, then, I might as well have one last drink.

Earl, you got any orange Pedialyte?

-This ain't no CVS! -Fine!

Then let's see who's really the fastest gun in the West.

One, two...

Three!

I can't believe it! You killed Doc Holliday!

I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia, but...

Well, yeah, that's 'cause Doc didn't have a gun.

He just pulled out a bottle of pills labeled Valtrex.

Oh, my God, he had herpes too?!

On the bright side, you'll always have something to remember me by.

I liked it!

For "Lights, Camera, Achoo!," I prefer to remain anonymous.

Good night!

Well, you did it. You got me to couple's therapy. Let's see if this works.

I promise it will, Ted. She's the highest rated therapist on Zocdoc.

This will be good for us.

I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call.

I am Dr. Wyatt.

And tell me, what brings you in here today?

I'm just not sure if Ted really loves me anymore.

He's always locked in his basement, reading amine.

It's manga, sweetie.

It's only the most important art form of the 21st century.

What about me, Ted? Am I important?

Guys, let's try to work together instead of attacking each other, okay?

I'm sorry, do you mind if I take this?

Bitch, I told you not to call me while I'm working.

Oh, really? Oh, you gonna shoot me?

Well, I'd like to see you try! Come through, bitch! It's on site!

Now, as I was saying, it is all about communication.

I'm sorry, did somebody just threaten to shoot you?

No, no, no. She doesn't even know where I work.

Have you always been afraid of conflict?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, I mean, I...

-Do you need to get that? -No. This is your time.

Please continue.

I mean, I guess I don't love conflict.

My father was an angry guy, especially if he was drinking.

Okay, I... Actually I do have to take this.

But hold that thought because anger is never the answer.

Yeah, ho, where you at?

Okay, 'cause I'm at 453 Union Street, fifth floor.

And there's three of us in here and we all strapped!

-Now, where were we? -Honey, honey, what's strapped?

-Are we strapped? -No, no, we are not. Should we leave?

Absolutely not.

Matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to practice

expressing our emotions.

Oh, let's try an exercise, okay?

Why don't you read these texts to me from my partner

and tell me how you would respond?

Okay, fine.

Uh, okay.

-"Girrrrrl..." -No. Don't do that voice.

Okay.

"Girl, you think you the only one selling fish out in these streets,

but I don't need your stinky tuna when I get a beach full of fresh,

pink salmon every time it rains.

I'm-a bring a gun to your office."

Okay, I'm calling the police.

She's not serious.

-Oh, Lord, hit the floor! -What?!

-I thought you said she wasn't serious! -She's not!

What's good, bitch?!

Now everybody's getting super soaked.

Oh, no, baby, this is my work wig.

-What is this all about? -I don't know.

Maybe you should ask "Clarisa." Ain't that who you been texting?

-I ain't been texting nobody. -Actually, you did text Clarisa.

That's it. I'm about to get my real gun.

No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Can you open the Clarisa text and read her what I said?

Me? Okay, sure.

-"Girrrrl..." -Do not do the voice.

Fine.

"Girl, you think I want your two-day-old catfish

when the tilapia I get at home is so wet, it makes the river jealous?

Lose this number or I'll set your car on fire."

Okay, I don't want to read these out loud anymore.

Baby, that's what you were saying to her?

Yes, baby!

Okay. Well, then, okay. I got a little text for you.

Could you read that to me?

-She could say it to you. -Oh, come on, read it.

-Read the damn text! -Fine!

-"Girl..." -Wait.

Give me the voice.

"Girrrrl, why are we countin' fish when our love is the whole damn ocean?

Deep and wide and wet as hell."

Oh, Ted, is that really how you feel?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

I think we have made a lot of progress here today.

You did all this on purpose to help us?

Yeah. Let's just go with that.

Okay, that'll be $675, no insurance, cash only.

Or else!

Once again, Camila Cabello!

Thank you, everybody!

Truck stops have the wildest stuff.

Yeah, like "My other car is a gun"?

Yeah, and who are the... who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Well, truckers, that's who.

Very cool.

This one right here is a collection of hits by my favorite truck drivin' crooner,

Johnny Goblin.

Yeah, I'm talking about "Truck, You, You Truckin' Truck."

42 songs all about truckin'.

Great. You mind if we just scoot past you?

Songs include fender-bendin' hits like "Trucker's Life."

I'm peeing in a bottle And I'm peeing in a Thermos

And I'm peeing in a cup And I'm peeing in a bucket

And I'm peeing in a diaper And I'm peeing out the window

And the wind blows it back in my face

Been there, done that.

Get your hanky handy for this heart-wrenchin' duet

between trucker and trucker's wife, featurin' Darlene Cuisine,

"Don't Go Forgettin'."

Gotta go back out on the road

I'm gonna miss you till I get home

And I'm asking you to remember

You always got to remember

Don't go forgettin'

Which cup is your drink And which cup is full of piss

-Are all these songs about peeing? -Well, not all.

But many of them, yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

Okay, what was that?

Ooh, that would be the dreaded Ghost Trucker,

featurin' Little Picky Dickens.

Ghost Trucker

Ghost Trucker

No one can see him on the road Ghost Trucker

When the fog came rollin' in

And this hog came rollin' out

Reachin' down his pants He starts to touch himself

With the same hand he used to eat Flaming Hot Cheetos

People say his screams still echo to this day

Ghost Trucker

And the old children's classic "Blow That Horn."

I see A little boy on an iPad In a minivan next to mine

He signals for me to blow my horn And I happily oblige

A smile comes across his face I'm so happy I can make his day

And the car in front of me gets startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

No!

Yes!

And, of course, no collection is complete

without the trucker standard "The Hitchhiker."

A hot July day in 2015 down Juárez, Mexico

I'm truckin' along the highway

A hitchhiker on the side of the road

A mustachioed man, helps him in the cab and he's only five feet tall

Something 'bout him looks so familiar

Then suddenly I recall

His name's El Chapo

El Chapo

Oh, God, I think I helped El Chapo

He definitely helped El Chapo

I'm El Chapo, and this is a certified bop.

"Truck You, You Truckin' Truck,"

available only at Love's Truck Stops off the I-40.

Ghost Trucker

Ghost Trucker

Ghost Trucker

Ghost Trucker

Ghost Trucker

Thanks to Camila Cabello, Willow Smith, and the whole cast of "SNL."

Thank you, all.

Go out, try to live your life, enjoy. Have a wonderful night!

Thank you so much!