All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E15.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

This week as the war
in Ukraine intensified,

access to Facebook and Instagram
in the country was shut off,

leaving only one source of information:
TikTok.

So on Thursday, the White House responded
by holding a national security briefing

with some of the nation's
top Tik Tok creators.

We take you now inside
that historic meeting.

Thank you all so much.

Thank you all so much for coming
and answering your nation's call

in a time of need.

-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Hey, no prob.

I'm 12.

Our schedules are super flexible.

Yeah, and we love White House.

Jason Derulo

I also want to thank my press
secretary, Jen Psaki,

for having the vision to set this up.

I suggested it as a joke,
and then it actually happened.

People are saying this is the
first war fought on TikTok,

which is tough for me,
because I'm the landline of presidents.

That's why I need you, okay?

I understand Putin.

I understand war.

But there's one thing
I don't understand.

Computer.

He means "technology,"
but he says "computer."

Computer very mean to me.

Computer always ask to run an update
right when I turn computer on.

Whenever I type in "malarkey,"
computer say, "Did you mean magenta?"

The point is, we need fresh
ideas from you guys

about how we can win the information
war on social media.

So, yeah, you.

Hey, guys.
I'm an actress from The CW.

-Great. What's your name?
-ActressFromTheCW.

And while Putin might
have tanks and bombs,

there's something even more powerful
we can attack him with... poems.

Oh, no, it's that girl.

Dear Vladamir Putin,
if I was your mother,

I would have loved you more.

If I was your wife, I would have been
so, so, so mad at you.

-If I was your baby brother...
-Thank you, thank you.

I think, yeah...
We got it.

Do you have any actual
useful suggestions?

Sure.

Here are five ways to stop
the war in Ukraine.

What's happening?

Do you see anything?

I think she's expecting text
to show up.

All right. Well, then you.
What's your thing?

Oh, me?

Let's just say I do raps
and pranks.

Maybe you've heard of my squad,
The Boo-Boo Boys?

I think you know the President has
never heard of The Boo-Boo Boys.

Wait a second.
The Boo-Boo Boys?

Don't you live in the Cringe House with
One Nut Kevin and Dumbass Larry?

We got a Boo-Boo head!

Y'all, one time, they pranked a dude
and threw him down five flights of stairs.

It was hilarious.

Well, that sounds like
an amazing hobby.

-We made $13 million last year.
-God, I hate this world.

And did you have a plan for how
to defeat Putin?

Yeah,
I'm cooking something up.

Is it pushing him down
a flight of stairs?

-It is.
-All right.

That's cool.
What about you?

Jason Derulo

Yeah, I know that's your name,
but what do you do?

Jason Derulo

Okay. I'm skipping you.
You're skipped.

Jason Derulo

Hey, how about you, little girl?
You look incredibly cute.

Thanks!
I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Well, that's adorable.

What do you think we could do
to win this war?

Oh, you mean the one started
by your son, Hunter Biden?

With his pals at Burisma?
Where's the laptop? Is it in this room?

Okay, thank you...
Thank you, honey, thank you.

You know, you don't expect the
animal-makeup girl to be alt-right.

Hey, who's this random
middle-aged guy?

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

My name is Charles F. D'Amelio.

-I'm a roofer from Pittsburgh.
-Okay. Why are you here?

I don't know.

I suspect maybe you may have
confused me for Charli D'Amelio,

the 17-year-old girl with 130 million
followers on the TikTok.

That sounds right.

So I'll tell you what...
I'm gonna head out.

But, first... y'all don't happen
to have an extra one of those

COVID stimmy checks lying around,
by any chance, do you?

-Um, 'fraid not.
-Yeah, we don't. I'm sorry.

Well, all right, all right.
Well, good luck with the world war,

and not what you care what
a roofer thinks about Putin,

but maybe you should put
someone up on a roof and...

ping pong pow pow pow?

Y'all have a good one.

-Thank you, Mr. D'Amelio.
-All right. It's down to you.

-What do you do?
-Who, me?

Oh, I just go up behind people
on the street with this weird pipe thing

and I go, "Muñaño.
Chupapi Muñaño?"

What would you do about Ukraine?

I would go up behind the Russian tanks
and go, "Muñaño. Chupapi Muñaño?"

How did you get here today?

You flew me first-class from California,
and on the plane,

I went up behind the pilot and said,
"Muñaño. Chupapi Muñaño?"

That's actually the best plan
I've heard so far.

Hang on.
You haven't heard from me yet.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

For some reason, security was
giving me a hard time.

Okay, this is awesome.
Who the heck are you?

Oh, I'm just that guy who does a bunch
of insane tricks

using the toilet plunger
stuck to my nipples.

In terms of the most famous
people on TikTok,

it's like me
and Reese Witherspoon.

Well, we were actually about
to wrap this meeting up

because it was clearly a bad idea.

Hey, don't do that.

Don't just yank the plunger
off the nipple like that.

You know, the idea of asking
TikTok stars how to fight Russia

might sound like a joke,
but remember,

they said the same thing about
the radio in World War II.

Never underestimate the
importance of new technology

and how it reaches young people
in ways you can never understand.

TikTok isn't some childish gimmick.

It has more power and influence
than the nightly news.

That was truly inspiring,
young man.

Oh, I'm 55.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go
move this plunger to my crotch,

attach a knife to the end,
and try to slice an apple in half.

God bless America.

And live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!

It's "Saturday Night Live"!

With...

Aidy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate Mckinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodin.

Chris Redd.

Cecil Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villaseñor.

Bowen Yang.

featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Musical guest, Rosalia.

And your host, Zoe Kravitz!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Zoe Kravitz!

Thank you!
Thank you, thank you very much.

It is so fantastic to be here.

I'm your host, Zoe Kravitz.

I currently have a new movie out
called "The Batman."

In the movie, I play Catwoman.
Sorry... The Catwoman.

To prepare for the role,

I watched the movie musical
"Cats" every day for a year,

which I actually heard was the
same way Joaquin Phoenix

prepared to play the Joker.

Someone here talking about cats?

I was just doing my monologue.

-You're also Catwoman?
-Yes.

I'm Catwoman from the '90s.
The one with the whip.

You know, like cats have.

Zoe, you're part of a proud lineage of
Catwomen, each with our own origin story.

-Do you want to know mine?
-Yeah, yeah. What's yours?

Okay. I fell out of a window
onto a pile of cats.

They licked me back to life,

and now I dress like Sandy
from a porno version of "Grease."

It's still called "Grease."

Cool.
Well, uh, thank you.

It's great to have a fellow Catwoman
support. I should probably get back to...

Oh, hang on, we have to fire
up the Cat Signal.

I'm sorry... cat signal?

Yeah, for any time you need
a Catwoman.

Behold!

Oh, I love that! It's a noble cat,
ready to pounce off a ledge.

Or it's doing its business in
the litter box.

Hello. I saw the signal.
Is someone in danger?

Oh, yeah.

-You're Catwoman, too.
-Indubitably.

I was the first Black Catwoman.

Right! Yes, Eartha Kitt,
from the 1960s TV version.

Yep. People called it campy.
Turned out it was just super gay.

And, hey, be glad your outfit isn't latex,
'cause this is how I sneak up on bad guys.

Ready?

It actually does feel really nice having
all this Catwoman energy up here,

but I should really get back
to the monologue.

So can we turn this Cat Signal
off before...

Before me?
Hell no.

-Another Catwoman?
-Yeah, yeah.

More of a cat lady, I guess.

Yes, this is my husband.
Sorry... cat.

And we're here to meet Rosalia.

Do you take me to her,
or how does that work?

I don't think I can do that right now.
I have to host the show, so...

Oh, yeah.
Sure, I get it.

You know, I've hosted this show
dozens of times.

Well, in my mind, where it's
called "Saturday Night Cats."

Not "Caturday Night Live"?

Dang it.

Okay, wow. I was really not expecting
to meet so many cat...people.

And not that I don't love it,
but maybe that's enough, so...

Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Oh, my God. Is she here?

No, but you were able to get me.
It is I, Katt Williams!

Oh, come on.
You're not even a woman.

I am a lover of women.

And if I wanted to meet Rosalia,
how would I...

Seriously, is there an "off"
button somewhere?

Oh, but the Cat Signal
brought us all together.

And right now, the world
needs as many Catwomen...

And Williamses.

...as it can get.

Now let's go fight some crime!

Okay.
It looks like that's done.

So I can finally say what
I've been trying to say.

We've got a great show for you tonight!
Rosalia is here!

So stick around,
and we'll be right back.

You know, I always got the
sense that Matt looked down on me,

but that's only 'cause
he's 2 inches taller.

No, but I'm so happy for you, buddy.
I love you, bro.

To Matt and Tanya.
Cheers!

Okay. How about a hand for Matt's
best man, Nate? Yeah!

I'm sorry I'm chewing.
That was just an incredibly short speech.

It opened with the "looked
down on me" joke,

and then it just kind of ended
a few sentences later.

I was sure it would be longer,

which is why I took a bite of
food, but I was wrong.

But still, a very nice speech
from Nate.

Okay. Now let's hear from the
maid of honor,

Tanya's best friend, Sarah.

Come on up, Sarah!

Hi, I'm Sarah.

Matt, let me tell you something.

You're a really lucky guy.

Because Tanya is the best girl
in the world.

-Yeah, she is.
-This girl is like a sister to me.

And not just because we've both
seen my dad naked.

Okay.

She's always had my back.

Even when nobody else agreed
with me, she always said,

"Sarah, if you're sober enough
to drive, then I believe you."

And that meant the world
to me, girlie.

And when I'd stumble, when I'd make a
mistake, she'd never make me feel bad.

She'd say, "Girlie, don't beat
yourself up.

Nobody knew that thing
was loaded."

-Did she shoot someone?
-Babe, I'm trying to listen.

And when she's going through a tough time
herself, she doesn't complain.

No, she dances.

Professionally.

-What kind of dancing, babe?
-Babe?

But she's not perfect.

No way.

What kind of dancing?

She's been a bit of a bridezilla,

and not just because she's attacked
a lot of Japanese people.

I am in awe of her.

I don't know about all of you, but if nine
of my last boyfriends killed themselves,

I would give up on romance.

But not Tanya.

She's joking, right?

She believes in love.

When I started dating my now-husband,
she was so happy for me.

Everyone else said,
"You're a monster."

But what did you say, girlie?

"You're not a monster,
you're just his math teacher."

That's right.
Love is love, right, baby?

No doubt.

But most of all,
Tanya is brave.

Girlie, I know you remember this.

We were at a protest, fighting for justice
and you got right in that cop's face.

No fear at all.

And do you remember
what you said?

"I'm storming the Capitol,
and I'm gonna kill Mike Pence."

That's right.

And, Matt, you make her
so happy.

I don't want to embarrass anyone,
but when you guys first got together,

Tanya and I were having some girl talk,

and I said, you know,
"How's the chemistry in the bedroom?"

Oh, no. Hey, here we go.

And she said,
"He's trying his best."

And that's what makes Matt different from
the hundreds and hundreds of other guys

that she's dragged home
over the years.

-Hundreds?
-Baby...

And, sure, maybe he's not famous
like Steve-o from "Jackass"

or Wee Man from "Jackass."

Maybe he's not mysterious,
like Bam from "Jackass."

But he puts in the work.

Like Johnny Knoxville,
from "Jackass."

So you just got with
the whole "Jackass" gang, then?

Honey, I listened to your
friend's speech, okay? Come on.

She loved you right away, Matt.

After your first date, she said,
"I met my person,"

and she deleted all the dating apps...

Match, Tinder, Choke Pony,

Tor Dark Web Browser,
all of them.

At least, I think she did.

No, I did. Come on,
you can check my phones.

Why do you have three phones?

So, yeah, she loves you, Matt.

And I know when she's finally
able to get her kids back,

they're gonna love you, too.

What kids?

And all those kids' dads are
gonna respect you.

What kids and what dads?

Because it's not every man who has
the courage to marry Suge Knight's ex.

But you do, Matt.
You do.

So congrats to both of you!
Cheers!

Love you, girlie!

I'm gonna die.

Since 2018, Amazon's been
showing customers a new way

to shop where you can
just grab and go.

It's Amazon Go.

-So I just grab what I want and leave?
-Yep.

That's so easy.

Use the Amazon Go app to enter,
then start shopping.

-That's it?
-That's it. No lines, no checkouts.

No problem.

At an Amazon Go store, you
can walk in, grab what you want,

put it in your bag, and just go.

Oh, so you want me to just
take something and walk out?

Nah, son.

But... it's so convenient.

No, no, no, no, no.
Nice try.

-We know some people are skeptical.
-"Some people"?

Well, here's how it works.
We use computer vision.

Deep learning algorithms.
And sensor fusion.

Oh, okay.
So it's a trap.

So where do you pay?

There's no register. It all happens
with our grab-and-go technology.

-But where do you pay?
-You don't.

No, I do. I always pay, okay?
Who do you think I am?

It's simple. Take what you want,
put it in your own bag, and walk out.

And we have everything you love.

Oh, hey, they have my favorite
brand of Kombucha.

-Oh, that's great. You should grab it.
-Sure.

-Can you grab it?
-Me? What? Just grab it.

-You should pick it up.
-Babe, it's fine.

Pick it up.

I'm learning.

If you change your mind,
just put it back.

Our technology will update your
virtual cart instantly.

Okay! I am putting
the sandwich back, y'all!

I have decided to get
a different sandwich today!

I don't got no more sandwiches now!

So get your purchase and go.

Go ahead, leave.

Just walk out.

Here I go.

You don't have to do that.
You've already paid.

Well, then, it's a tip.

It's a tip!

They're trying to trick me...

-Yeah, here we go. I told you.
-It's just notifying you of your receipts.

It was him!

Alexa! Search
"Amazon Go Store, Black Man, Trap!"

Amazon Go.
No line, no checkout.

No, seriously.

This a damn trap.

Thanks for bringing over
my calculator.

I can't believe I forgot it
in study hall.

Oh, my pleasure.

Well, my mother's running late,

so I'll just stand by the
mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

No, Josh, wait.
You can... wait here.

Come sit.

If you insist.

I just want to say, it's been
really great being in math class with you.

Honestly, Cassie, I would
have to return the sentiment.

I love how you do impressions
from the characters from "Frasier."

The Niles came quick.
I'm still working on my Roz.

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say,
I'm glad your mom is late.

Glad, you say?

Yeah.

Really glad.

Can you just excuse me
for one moment?

'Cause I'm getting a phone call
from my Schwab agent.

Yes, hello?

Is my B-F-F Jason there?

Yes, I'll hold.

Hello. You have Jason.

Jason, you're not gonna believe
what I'm about to tell you.

I am sitting exceedingly close
to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Well, I'm glad you called me.

I'm the only straight boy
in my ballet class.

So I'm pretty much experienced now.

Okay. So tell me...
what's your body language?

So, I am facing away from her,

and I'm clinging to the edge
for dear life like a marmoset.

Okay. And what is she doing?

Hold, please.

She's looking at me.

Okay. My friend, we find ourselves
in choppy waters.

We need to take her breath away.

Whisper a secret in her ear,
and do it sensually.

Yes. Please, hold.

I once got mono
from a trombone.

Thanks for telling me that.
I feel like I know you better.

Okay, that went shockingly well.

Oh, good news, old chap.

Now time to impress.

Tell her about a recent
accomplishment.

Right-o.

Cassie, my parents said I was actually
very emotionally mature

when we put down my turtle.

At least he didn't suffer.

He actually did. The doctor didn't hit
him in the right spot.

That's intense. Sounds like
you were really strong.

Jason, against all odds,
I'm continuing to crush.

Well, with my advice,
I can't feign surprise.

But you need to find out
if she's truly available.

Yes, yes, of course.
Hold on, please.

Cassie, are you currently
dating anyone?

No, I'm done with jocks.
I like quiet guys.

Or, actually, girls, too.

Consider my brain
short-circuited.

We have a modern woman
on our hands.

Good. Good.

Then let's up the romance.

Act like you're in a movie and
wipe an eyelash from her face.

Oh, brilliant.
Stand by, please.

Okay, I did it.

Okay. How did it go?

I didn't tell her that's what I was doing,
so I'm not sure.

It's getting a little late. Do you mind
if I put my head on your shoulder?

Yes, a shoulder...
shoulder is avail.

I like this.

Jason, things are progressing.

My good man.

Okay, we want to keep her
in the driver's seat.

Call attention to your knee
so that she knows it's there.

Please hold.

Now, if she likes, she may
touch it with her own.

Okay.

Okay, we have contact,
vis-à-vis the knee.

We have... we are affirmative.
Patella on patella.

Also, I can feel my penis
in my head.

This is officially above
my pay grade!

Jason, you have to stay with me!
The stakes are life and death. What now?

Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor.
Is it stiff or is it loose?

Okay. Remain on the line, please.

Oh, dear God.

She's met my gaze.

We are looking at each other,
and we're becoming soul mates.

Okay.
Roger dodger, you old codger!

Note... I find myself afraid,
not of love but of losing our friendship.

Nay, nay.
Savor this, my good man.

'Tis this is the spice of life!

-Hey, can we kiss now?
-You heard the lady.

I'll see you on the other side.

I'm gonna be an uncle!

You're watching Disney Minus,

the movies Disney doesn't really
promote as much.

We now return to
"The Princess and the Frog."

Tale as old as '09

Takes place in a bog

Princess finally Black

Why the plot so wack?

"Princess and the Frog"

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I
think I've fallen in love... with a frog.

I know. It's crazy, right? I'm like this
frog, and you're like this princess.

But I guess it's true what they say.
Love is love is love.

I hope I'm not being too forward,
Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Of course I will.
Because love conquers all.

Exactly. You love me for me.

You don't care that I'm a frog
and frogs don't have penises.

What was that?

It's just a scientific fact.
Frogs don't have penises.

But you don't care,
and that's why I love you.

Yeah. For sure.

And is that something everybody
just knows?

I think it's out there, yeah.

It's one of the first things that comes up
when you Google "frog penis."

You know what?
Let's just kiss and get married,

and we can tackle the whole no
penis thing later.

Sorry. If you don't have a penis,
what do you have?

Oh, it's every woman's dream.

I got balls that just shoot stuff directly
on you, no pesky penis getting in the way.

Yeah.
It's like they always say.

Who needs a straw when I can just throw
the milkshake right in your face?

Now, how about that kiss?

Yeah, I don't know.
I might have to rethink this a bit.

-Oh, come on. Size doesn't matter.
-I think it does when it's zero.

-How do you even have sex?
-Oh, I'll explain in great detail.

You see, I climb on your back
like this,

and I wrap my
forearms around your body.

And then I stay there for two
days and I croak loudly in your ear

until you lay your eggs.
How many eggs do you lay typically?

I don't lay eggs.

That could be a deal breaker.

This never came up when we dissected
frogs in high school, so...

You what?!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the prince that I cursed.

Oh, my God, it's Captain Hook?!

What? No.

I am Dr. Facilier, the voodoo
witchdoctor from this movie.

So, if I kiss this frog,
he'll transform back into a prince?

Only if it's true love.

And what would happen
with his penis?

What do you mean?

Well, apparently,
frogs don't have them.

The hell?

-Well, then, how do they...
-It just shoots out the nuts.

On the plus side, I can do
oral from like five feet away.

I guess if he changed back to being
a human, he would get his penis back.

Then let's do it!

Let's kiss and join our
souls forever!

And what if I didn't have
a penis before?

What?

Like, as a human, before the
curse, what if, hypothetically,

it got ripped clean off
in a bowling alley?

When she kissed me,
would it grow back?

A bowling alley?

I tried to hump the ball
return machine, as a joke,

and the gears sort of tore
it clean off.

-Stop saying "clean off."
-If you saw it, you'd agree.

Look, you little weird frog dude,

I don't know what the hell is going on
with you, but at least you're a prince.

That's right. The Prince of Newark,
New Jersey.

-Okay. I'm out.
-Yep.

Even for voodoo,
this is messed up.

And I reckon it's about time
I introduced myself.

My name Raymond!
But everybody 'round here call me "Ray."

I's the Cajun firefly in the movie,
"Princess Frog."

And critics reckon I might be just about
the worst Disney character ever created.

Disney asked kids leaving the movie,
"What'd you think about ol' Ray?"

Every kid say, "Kill him.

We don't want to see ol' Ray no
place, nowhere, never again."

One time, they invite ol' Ray to
one of they character breakfasts

over at the Disney World.

They give kids metal bats
and say, "Go get him.

Go kill ol' Ray till he's dead!"
But don't worry.

At the end of day, ol' Ray gon'
be just fine.

The end!

A please don't destroy video.

-Look how cute she is!
-This was such a good idea.

Getting Catwoman a cat?
Yeah, that's a perfect gift.

-Plus, it's like classic stuff.
-Truly classic, yeah.

-Oh, cute cat. Zoe's here to see you.
-Oh, yeah, send her on in.

-Hey, Zoe, they're ready for you.
-Okay, great. Thanks.

-Hey, guys. What...
-Shut the door! Zoe, shut the door!

-What?
-We lost the cat!

Zoe, close the door!

Did anything small and catlike
run by your legs out the door?

-Wait, what?
-"Wait, what?" Is that all you can say?

-Help us find your gift.
-Why did you buy me a cat?

We thought it would be funny
to get Catwoman a woman cat.

-It's classic.
-It's like our thing, okay?

We got Ant-Man a man ant.

-So, come on and help us look!
-Wait. Stop. This is insane.

-What's the big deal?
-You don't understand.

The cat's name is Snugglebucket,
and it looks like this.

Oh, my God.

Let's find this cat.

-Not under there.
-Cat?

-I got him!
-Oh, no, that's Ben.

It's okay. Just keep looking.

God, why did we ask for the smallest
and fastest cat they had?

-Ben, is it in your desk?
-No. It's just a stupid dog.

Oh, my God!

-John, check the shelf!
-Checking the shelf!

-It's not on the shelf.
-Kitty!

Oh, my God, I found her.

-Oh, thank God.
-Sweetie, you must have been so scared.

-But the good thing is, we found her.
-Wait, where did the cat go?

-No!
-Oh, my God!

-Come on! Come on!
-Anything under the couch, Martin?

Just some crumbs, a coin,
and a man.

-Hey, guys.
-Paul Dano?!

-Paul, what are you doing here?
-Gosh. I'm sorry.

I've been living down there.
I'm researching a new movie I'm doing.

It's about three guys who suck.

-Oh, come on, man.
-It's about you guys.

Dude, it's just so crazy, man.
Like, everything...

-The cat!
-John!

Was I petting it?

-I'm checking our stash. I don't see it.
-Damn.

John, behind you!

-I got him!
-Me again.

-We're never gonna find it!
-Guys, this is insane, okay?

We're not gonna find the...

-Oh, my God.
-No.

-It's horrible.
-No. No.

My LEGO set!

It was so hard...

Hey, guys, I found the cat.

Alright, well, you're welcome
for your gift. We'll see you later.

-That's it?
-Yep.

Paul, you should probably
head out, too, man.

-Alright. See ya.
-No, no, no, no, not...

Good night, guys.

Bye, guys.

What a crazy adventure we had.

Hey, I'm gonna miss that
crazy cat.

And I'll miss you, dudes.

-Did you just speak?
-What?!

Alright, I put all the food away,
and now my kitchen is clean.

Please nobody go in there
and mess it up.

-Yes, Mom.
-Now, what are you all watching?

Some of Dad's old home movies?

Wait. What's going on?

Hey, kids.

It's me, Daddy.

If you're watching this video,
it means I'm already dead.

-Where's Dad?
-He's upstairs on the toilet.

Where did you find this tape?

I hid this tape in a box labeled
"Big fish that I caught"

so your mama wouldn't watch it.

There's so much that I want to tell
you kids that your mama don't know.

-Maybe we should turn this off.
-No, no, no. I want to hear this.

Now, by now, the lawyers have probably
informed you that I am flat broke.

Broke? What the hell happened
to our savings?

I was too embarrassed
to say anything.

No man wants to have to tell his family,

"I blew my whole retirement on J.B.
Smoove's new sports betting app."

Already? I just downloaded that
for him last week.

Walter, get down here!

No, Mom, we can't let Daddy
know we saw this.

And don't worry about my funeral.
I took care of everything.

All you got to do is pay for it.

Why would Daddy make this video?
Is he sick?

Ain't no telling what finally
took me out.

Could have been the Rona.

Could have been 'cause I ain't
drank a glass of water since 2003.

Could have been J.B. Smoove
coming to collect.

-That was the toilet!
-Dad must be coming down.

-Let's turn this off.
-That was only his first flush.

We still got about 20 minutes.

Let's see. What else?

-Also, I got a secret daughter.
-A secret daughter?!

-Oh, my God!
-But it's not how you think.

I would never cheat on your
mother raw.

What?

The truth is, I was a sperm
donor back in the day.

But I never would have done that

had I known that they was gonna
use that sperm to make babies.

What did he think they were
gonna use it for?

And to my only son,
Walter Jr., I want to apologize

for passing down the erectile
dysfunctions.

What? I don't have that.

Now, you may not have it
right now,

but you definitely will
'cause you are my son.

That's why I am leaving you
my special pump.

I even, uh, put some googly eyes
on it so the girl won't know what it is.

Now, it may not get you all the
way there, but, trust me,

it'll get you close enough.

Can you fast-forward past
this part?

Maybe I wasn't the best dad
or the best husband.

But I want you kids to know that
I tried my very best...

to write the greatest crime
drama Hollywood has ever seen.

It's called
"Dallas City Bouncers."

What the hell is
"Dallas City Bouncers"?

Oh, God, not this stupid movie.

Open on windy Dallas night.

Lone saxophone cries out in the distance.

Camera reveals detective
Rico Tremaine,

played by the brother
from "Django Unchained."

What's his name?

Jamie Foxx?

You know, the main brother,
that played Ray.

Jamie Foxx.

He was on "The Jamie Foxx Show."
He was the main one.

Jamie Foxx!

You know, I can't with this man.
Just fast-forward past this movie idea.

And... Listen.

With the money from the DVD sales,

you should be able to pay back
J.B. Smoove once and for all.

-I think that's the shower.
-So we got more time. Hit "play."

As I was saying,

I want you kids to give this important
message to your mama for me.

Baby, when I met you, you were the
smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco

and I was just some struggling backup
singer for the Commodores.

I just want to tell you, I was never
a backup singer for the Commodores.

I can't believe your father
lied to me.

I can't believe he gave me
the erectile dysfunctions.

Also, baby, I have something
that's very valuable.

It's buried in a top-secret location.

What is it?

But before I tell you that,

let me tell you about "Dallas
City Bouncers 2: Rico's Revenge."

Oh, Lord. Just fast-forward.

It's gonna be starring... what's his name?
He sings R&B, too.

You know who I'm talking about.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rosalía.

La Rosalía.

It's "Weekend Update"
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

This week... This week marks two
years since the beginning

of the first COVID lockdown,

and let's just say some people have
handled the stress better than others.

Russia has passed a fake news
law that makes it illegal

for any organization to report
information that contradicts

what the government says,
which explains the recent headline,

"6'5" Putin not insane."

President Biden downplayed the possibility
of U.S. military intervention, saying,

"We will not fight the third World War
in Ukraine."

And I understand, but it's hard
to stand by and watch Putin

bombing things like schools,
a maternity ward,

and I'm just gonna to assume puppy
daycare centers.

The situation is so upsetting
that I've honestly thought

about marching down to the nearest
Army enlistment office and signing Che up.

After the U.S. ban on Russian
oil, gas prices hit a record high

of $4.30 a gallon, which is
so expensive that, America,

we might have to move back
in with our ex.

Come on, Iraq.

You know we never stopped
loving you, baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by
banning the export of Russian-made cars.

But a Russian-made car is just
a drunk bear on roller skates.

Starbucks... Starbucks has
responded to the invasion

of Ukraine by shutting down its
locations in Russia,

in hopes of sending a message
to President Vanderpump Rintin?

After McDonald's announced it would stop
doing business in their country,

Russians have begun hoarding
their sandwiches,

including some honorary Russians.

Congress passed a bill that makes
lynching a federal hate crime,

punishable by up
to 30 years in prison.

And they're not messing around.

You can get 150 days
for just making one up.

Disney employees were upset that
the company took so long

to condemn Florida's proposed
"Don't Say Gay" bill,

although at Disney they actually
don't say "gay."

They say "Timon and Pumbaa."

Florida governor Ron DeSantis,
seen here waving COVID into the club...

He attacked Disney for opposing
the state's "Don't Say Gay" bill,

calling the company
a "woke corporation."

Disney denied the claims of wokeness
with roughly 90 years of cartoons.

Well, it's officially...

Well, it's officially Oscar season,
and here to give his predictions

for Hollywood's biggest night
is film critic Terry Fink.

Mr. Jost, 'tis a privilege to
be back, my sir.

Now, Terry, I understand
you've seen every single film up

for an Oscar this year.
Is that right?

Bingo, hoss, and every film
not nominated, too.

It's been one heck of a 48 hours.

You watched every single movie
from this year in the last two days?

How is that even possible?

Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin
I take called LSD.

Yep, the LSD helps me "L.S. see"
all these terrific films.

First up, my pick for best flick,
"Power of the Dog."

Who let this dog out of the closet?

That's the question posed by director Jane
Campion in this hysterical gay Western.

Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the
titular Dog the Bounty Hunter, that is,

until bizarrely stepping through
the screen just to make fun

of my undies in the voice
of my middle school bully.

Aside from that, it's the best movie
I've ever seen.

Colin?

Yeah, "Power of the Dog"
isn't about Dog the Bounty Hunter.

And you realize LSD isn't a vitamin.
It's a hallucinogen.

You say "ta-mah-toe," I say...

Next up, in animation, fun
for the wholefamilia,"Encanto"

feels worse than being on fire.

Hand-drawn by legendary auteur
the Zodiac Killer,

this all-gray throbbing stress dream
does drag in spots,

but local gangsta rapper
Lin-Manuel Samantha...

he saves the day once again with his
catchy hit "12 Hours of Screaming."

This film warmed my heart, broke my brain,
and sold my kidney for Dogecoin.

I give "Encanto" 10 tiny
terrified Terrys.

Mr. President?

Man, Terry, I got to say, I'm really
starting to worry about you.

And I'm starting to worry
there is no Terry.

C'est la vie.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Next up, my pick for Best Original
Screenplay, Kenneth Branagh's "Belfast."

Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville
and his band of idiots bop around town

and torture each other's balls
in this Troubles-era tearjerker.

But it's Dame Judi Dench who
literally soars as Wee Man,

shot out of a cannon directly
into my open mouth.

I couldn't stop laughing or
crying or doing the Nae Nae

until I was forcibly removed by
Regal Cinema's strongest teens.

I give "Jackass Belfast 4-D"
20 twerking ticklish Terrys.

Terry?

You're Terry.

And you're a wonderful friend.

Too bad I'm gonna eat your face!

-Terry Fink, everyone.
-I'm gonna do it, though.

Yeah. Someday.

The new HBO show "Gilded Age" is being
praised for highlighting

wealthy Black families that lived
in New York in the late 1800s,

until they were driven out by wealthy
industrialist Colin Jost the First.

It's your old pee-paw.

It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II
has permanently moved out

of Buckingham Palace and... this is
weird... in with John Mayer.

A thief in Colorado broke into a truck
and stole a box of human heads.

Even more disturbing,
it was an Arby's truck.

Producers for this year's Oscars
announced that presenters

will include John Travolta
and Lupita Nyong'o,

or as Travolta calls her,
the wickedly talented Lucretia Bonabos.

A new report shows that during
the pandemic,

meth users met online
to use the drug together,

mostly on a popular meth
user app, Tooth Grindr.

-You get it?
-Oh, no.

The U.S. government announced
that it would rename more than

600 rivers, mountains, and other
landmarks that use a racial slur

for Native American women.

So, we change those names,

but they can still just call
a restaurant Cracker Barrel.

Tuesday was International Women's Day,
so hopefully you remembered to smile.

Scientists are saying that by
using new gene-editing technology,

they could bring back the extinct
Christmas Island rat.

Or not.

The other option is not.

A video has gone viral of a man
urinating on a New York City subway

while other passengers
appear not to care.

But they were probably too nervous
to say something because I'm on TV.

An assistant principal at an
elementary school in Mississippi

was fired after he read
the class a children's book,

"I Need a New Butt!"

The book is about a lovable
rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Recent studies show that social media
is making young people

unhappy and insecure
about their own lives.

Here to comment is lifestyle
influencer Dan Bulldozer.

Yes, Che.

You look great, man.

What's going on?
You all got a legit setup.

Thanks. Yeah.

So, Dan, you're super rich, and you just
show off your crazy life on Instagram.

Something like that, yeah.

So, I've basically won at life,
straight up.

Just, like, parties on the yacht,
vapes everywhere,

snowboarding with, like, a bazooka.

My life is insane.

Yeah, that's... that's cool, man.

Che, ask me how many
girls I'm dating right now.

-How many girls are you...
-940.

-Okay, cool, man.
-It is cool. I agree.

So, yeah,
I'm dating the nine-hundo girls.

I got the new book, which,
like, why is writing so easy?

You just have to type it out.

-Oh, you're writing a book?
-Yeah, man.

It's kind of like Hemingway,
but for guys.

Peep this.

That's me in the zone writing
about my struggles with shirts.

-So it's like a memoir.
-Yeah, yeah.

It's the moving story of me
stacking cash, blowing clouds,

and changing the world
through positivity.

It's called "Ass Book."

Wow, that's good for you, man.

Got to ask... despite all the success,
how do you stay so down-to-earth?

Let me put it this way.

Do you know that ancient story
of the farmer and the crow?

No, I don't think I do.

Oh, so, it's like, the farmer
has three daughters.

He's a very wise farmer.

First daughter goes to the
farmer and says, "I saw a crow."

The farmer says, "Maybe."

The second daughter goes
to the farmer and says,

"Daddy, I saw a crow."

Daddy says..."Maybe."

Then the crow goes to, like,
an old maid... or it's like a cobbler.

And then the first girl...

I'm trying to remember.

Hey. You alright, Dan?

Yeah, yeah, it's just, the
point of the story is, like,

everything is just... insane!

Okay. That's it?

I think so.

Hey, man, are you happy?

No way. No.

-Alright, Dan Bulldozer, everybody.
-My life is crazy!

For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost. Goodnight.

You're watching the
Game Show Network.

Remember how Richard Dawson
would kiss entire families?

Well, you do now.
But first, it's "Word Crunch."

Hello, and welcome back
to "Word Crunch."

I'm your host, Gene Baby.

Say hello to our contestants,
Cara, Sheila, and Dave!

-Hi, there.
-Happy to be here.

Alright. The game is simple.

We'll show you a bunch
of letters, and those letters?

Some make words.
Find those words, you get points.

And those points is money.

Okay. Sorry, folks.

There is a writer's strike, so our sound
engineer wrote all this herself.

Thanks, Chris.

Hey, it was my pleasure, huh?

Maybe one day you'll let
me host, huh?

Love you, Gene.

Alright!

Contestants, let's pull up our
first Word Crunch.

If you see a word,
just shout it out.

Your time starts now.

Okay. I see "happy."

You got it. 5 points.

I see "cat."

Great. 3 points.

I see "mom hole"?

Sorry about that, Cara.

No points, but there's still time.
Keep guessing.

Uh, "dog."

Nice. 3 points for Dave.

I've got one...
"mom hole."

Yeah, no. Again, Cara, maybe stop
guessing "mom hole," okay?

-We cannot accept "mom hole."
-Why not?

Oh, it's a few reasons.
Uh, for one, it's two words.

You could do "mom," and then
after that, you could say "hole."

-But I want to connect them.
-Well, you can't.

Uh, please guess something else.

-"Mom hole"?
-Okay.

-Yeah, I told you not to say that.
-No, not that one... the other one.

-Why are there two?
-I don't know, Gene. This isn't my game.

Oh, I've got one.
I see "apple."

-That's great. 5 points.
-Okay, let me get this straight.

She says "apple," which is 5 points,
and you think that's cool,

but when I say "mom hole,"
which is 7, I get nothing?

This isn't fair.

Well, "apple" is a real thing, so...

So is "mom hole."

You may not want to think about
it, but they have them, so...

I've actually got another
one... "pothole."

Great. That's 7 points.

Okay, sorry, but if had said "pothole,"
that would have counted?

-Yes.
-Okay, great.

So..."mom hole."

Alright, I don't understand.
I don't.

Let's just get a new puzzle up
here, please.

Am I allowed to guess?

Yeah, sure, as long as it's
not "mom hole."

Okay. No problem.
"Him hole."

-No.
-"Gay 4 hole"?

Wow, there's a 4 on the board.

-"Jackson Hole."
-What?

-"Hole foods."
-Please don't.

-"My hole."
-Okay.

-"Corn hole."
-Come on!

And "mmm hole."

Okay, that is not "mmm hole."

That's just three
M's and then "hole."

What is "mmm hole"?

You know, "Mmm," like, "Yummy,"
like, "I'm excited for that hole."

Oh, my God.

Chris, what is with these
word searches?

Look, it's hard to think of
this many words.

I mean, you do "apple," "happy,"
"dog," and after that,

it's like, what's left
besides "mom hole"?

Chris, it's easy. I told you
to just write what you know.

I thought you said,
"Write what you have!"

-I'm a mom and...
-Yeah. Okay. We get it.

Let's just get a new...
Let's just get a new puzzle up here.

And no more hole stuff.

I don't want to get in trouble,
but I do see "porn."

Okay. We'll accept that.
4 points.

-Okay. "Mom porn"?
-No.

What is your problem with moms?

-Do you see anything else?
-"Friend."

-"Beach."
-"Scissoring."

-"Cloud."
-"Water."

"Balls." "Lick."

"Butt." "Slit."

"Blow." "Gag."

"Juice." "Titty."
"Horn."

"Horny."
And "time."

Okay, I don't care anymore, so...

Fine, let's just do our last puzzle.

Oh, no.

-I see one.
-Yeah. I'm sure you do.

-Well, is it okay if I say it?
-Yeah, just say it.

"B."

That is... That's dumb.

Alright, well, this has been the
pilot of "Word Crunch."

To the network, please do not
pick us up for a whole season.

Good night!

Once again, Rosalía.

So, after 36 hours, they said,
"Sorry, ma'am.

We found the killer.
You can go."

-Classic Susan.
-Only you, Susan.

Unrelated, has anyone heard
that new Doja Cat song?

Oh, yeah, it's so fresh.
She's such a forward-thinking artist.

Not yet, but everyone's got
to listen to Lil Durk... straight fire.

Oh, speaking of straight fire, you know
what I've been really into lately?

The marching band version of
"Don't Stop Believin'."

What?

Yeah, yeah, I've been, like,
mainlining that track.

I mean, I have it queued up, actually.
Do you guys want to hear it?

-No, that's okay.
-Aw! Come on.

Let me break you off a piece.

Don't ever call playing music that.

Cortana, play "Don't Stop Belevin'" by
Ohio State University Marching Band.

Is that a Windows phone?

-Did you just say "Belevin'"?
-Yeah, there's a typo on Spotify.

Shut up. Shut up.
It's starting. It's starting.

-Do you guys hear it?
-Hear what?

It's tubas playing the bassline.

Like, who thinks of that?

-Marching bands?
-Wait, wait, wait.

-What are we waiting for?
-It's coming. There. The drums...

It's like steam rising from the
asphalt after a sun shower,

just percolating up and up
and up and upward.

Imagine walking down the street
to this, feeling invincible,

like your whole life is ahead of you,

like you're on your way to
your high school graduation

and you haven't made
real mistakes in life.

It's a sonic groundswell
building until suddenly...

Is it over?

It's just beginning!

-Hey, who ordered the frittata?
-Not now!

-He's right. This is incredible.
-So, you feel it, too. Like...

Anything is possible and all that was
once beautiful can be again?!

Wait. Wait. Stop. Here.

The instruments are doing the
thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

-Steven Tyler wasn't in Journey.
-It doesn't matter, okay?

The music is transporting me.

Am I in heaven, or am I on Rainbow Road
in freakin' "Mario Kart 8"?

Oh, imagine playing
"Mario Kart" to this song.

Oh, sister, I've done it.

And look... now they're doing
the guitar part with the trumpets!

-I didn't know trumpets can do guitar.
-Well, they can.

She's just a farmer chick
Living down in San Francisc

Those aren't the words.

And no one has ever called it
"San Francisc."

Okay, I'm getting pissed off.

None of you are getting my money
when I die.

Except Clara.

This is our first time meeting,
and I really disliked you

based off your social media posts,
but I am so happy to be wrong.

Who is this again?

It's the OSU Marching Band
off their album "Buckeye Bangers."

They're like the biggest band
in the world. And violins!

-And that cello?!
-Oh, my God, it's amazing!

But seriously, imagine playing
"Mario Kart 8" and hearing this!

It honestly inspires me to do
so much better at "Mario Kart"

and just start Red Shelling
the hell out of Toad

while I'm cruising down Rainbow Road,
which is...

Where this song takes place!

The marching-band version of
"Don't Stop Believin'"

takes place on Rainbow Road?

It does if you don't stop "belevin',"
and they're taking us home!

That was amazing.

I've never heard a song
without words before.

I can't believe it's over.

Me neither, but, in many ways,
it's just beginning.

Life, that is.

Are you guys about to hook up?

-None of this makes any sense.
-You're both gay.

-Not anymore.
-I still am.

Me too.

Cortana, play the final belt.

Thanks to Rosalía!

Thank you, everyone,
for coming out tonight.

Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!