Original subtitles

And now, live from Mar-a-Lago,

it's the "Fox News Ukrainian invasion celebration spectacular!"

With your hosts, Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham!

Good evening! I'm Tucker Carlson.

I'm like a pair of boat shoes came to life.

And I'm Laura Ingraham.

And when I watch "Harry Potter" I root for Voldemort.

We got into a little bit of trouble for all the nice things we said

about Russia and the mean thing we said about Ukraine.

We did sound pretty awful in hindsight.

And foresight.

I kept asking why do we hate Putin?

Aren't liberals in America even worse?

And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic.

He stayed and fought with his people in the war

and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border

getting invaded by Mexico.

But in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

But tonight we're going to make it up you.

We're raising money for the real victims of this invasion.

The oligarchs.

Because we need to think about the babies.

Their sugar babies.

Who will pour vodka in their mouths?

So many horny mouths to feed.

So please open your wallets and because this is Fox News

you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage.

So far we've raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

And this is incredibly exciting.

Former and current president of the United States Donald Trump

is manning the phone lines himself.

And the thing is about Rihanna, she can pull it off.

She can be nine months. The body's still incredible.

But now you're going to have a lot of women week,

seeing this right now, 3s, 4s, frankly trolls,

wearing the same see-through shirt.

I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales,

I'm very popular with the whales. I do great with whales.

They come up to me on the beach and they say: Thank you, Mr. President.

The blowholes blasting away. 200, 300 feet in the air.

It's how they salute me.

Okay.

We'll come back to you, Mr. President, because our first guest is here.

He's a great American patriot.

So great that he left America and became a Russian citizen.

The puffiest action star in the world, Steven Seagal.

Thank you. Thank you, Tucker.

Oh, what a global crisis we are facing.

As someone who proudly pretends to be both native American and Japanese,

I feel for all people.

Now, you're close with president Putin, right?

Yes. Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, eskimo brothers.

So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition.

Now it's time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake.

The traditional seasonal beverage of all aikido exhibitions.

Let's check back in with the man who said Putin's invasion was very smart

and also said China should invade Taiwan next.

Mr. President?

My favorite food is probably bread.

And more specifically bun. I like bun.

Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger.

Nothing could go beyond burger. Can you believe that?

I want to stay right at burger.

Beyond is not good.

Joe biden has gone beyond burger and it has not gone so well.

And you know what? Neither has reboot of fresh prince.

It's very different and I'm laughing and I'm laughing but I don't know why.

Okay. I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone.

So let's hear what kind of prizes we're giving away tonight.

Laura, we're sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package.

And that includes a My Pillow, a six-month subscription to Lifelock,

and ten American flag catheters.

All courtesy of tonight's sponsor, Acorn Stairlifts.

You're going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlifts.

Now please welcome America's first couple,

the real prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

Don jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle.

They're going to be performing a duet

in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

Tell me something boy

Don't you love that big Russian convoy

Or do you need more

This invasion gets me so damn hard

In the shallow shallow

We're far from the shallow now

I'm on the deep end

We should take Ukraine Way more white than black

I'm going to cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Yeah, man, it's Mar-a-Lago.

Guys, I do have a quick announcement.

Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate NYET means da?

Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech

and shut down all independent news organizations.

So I'm thinking can we please do that to CNN?

Every time I laugh an angel dies.

Now let's take a quick break.

When we come back we'll be giving away a free T-shirt.

That's right. The front says "I'd storm the capitol."

And the back says "this does not constitute an admission of guilt."

And plus win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading

of his favorite Russian novel, "Lolita."

And I've got something I'd like to say to Putin as well.

Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me.

You are smart. You is kind. You is important.

And here's a little song from me to you.

My funny Valentine

Sweet comic Valentine

You make me smile with my heart

Your looks are laughable Unphotographable

Yet you're my favorite work of art

Thank you...

Is your figure less than greek

Is your mouth a little weak

When you open it to speak

Are you smart?

All right. That's more than generous...

Don't change a hair for me

Not if you care for me

Stay little Valentine stay

Each day is Valentine's Day

-I love you, Vlad. -I know. He loves you too.

And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

It's "Saturday Night Live."

With...

Aidy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate Mckinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodin.

Chris Redd.

Cecil Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villaseñor.

Bowen Yang.

featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Musical guest Charli XCX.

And your host, Oscar Isaac.

Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac!

Thank you.

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.

This is my first time hosting "SNL."

Thank you.

They actually asked me to host back in 2015 but I said "no, I'm not ready.

I want to wait until after the pandemic."

And they were like, "what pandemic?"

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Oscar Isaac Hernandez Estrada.

I said to Hollywood, I said to them, "you can pick two of these names."

Guess what they went with.

The white ones.

I'm half Guatemalan, half Cuban.

Or as casting directors call that, "ethnically ambiguous."

According to them, I can play anything

from a pharaoh to Timothee Chalamet's daddy.

You know that joke, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar?

Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I'm joining the Marvel Universe with "Moon Knight."

You know, it's kind of a full circle moment

since the first movie I was ever in was called "The Avenger."

Not "The Avengers," which was a massive blockbuster.

No, this was "The Avenger," which is a movie that I wrote,

directed, and starred in when I was 10 years old.

It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson's back yard

in our hometown of Miami, Florida.

I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis.

And we actually have a clip. This is real, check this out.

Okay, there's the opening title.

And there I am. Kind of losing my balance a little bit.

Perfect editing.

And here comes my big stunt. I trained two months for this.

I mean, arguably better than the real "Avengers."

And I made it for half the budget, only $110 million.

But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously.

Like in this scene.

Okay, there I am acting my heart out.

And there's my friend's dad cleaning the pool.

Shout-out to Mr. Ferguson, and shout-out to my buddy, Bruce.

He's at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was going to be on "SNL."

I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it.

That's true. NBC Universal now owns "The Avenger."

Coming this fall to Peacock!

I've got one more clip.

This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts.

Okay? Here we go.

That's me.

I'm my own henchman.

Now watch what I do with the sword.

Total commitment from the start.

Now, you might be asking, Oscar, why did you use your monologue

to show us these old home videos?

And the reason is it's important to encourage kids to be weirdos.

Because every once in a while

one of those weirdos grows up to host "SNL."

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Charli XCX is here. So stick around. We'll be right back.

Paw Patrol!

As mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Patrol

with this medal of bravery for stopping that out-of-control hot air balloon.

With you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands.

Don't you mean good paws?

Enough is enough.

I'm city councilman Herb Tangier.

Mayor Goodway has put all our lives at risk with her Paw Patrol initiative

and I say it's time to vote her out.

Fact! This man fired all of our city's police officers, firefighters,

and paramedics, and replaced them with a group of six talking dogs.

I think that was a bad idea. And I'm not alone.

Listen to these concerned citizens.

I was excited about the Paw Patrol at first.

Talking dogs who know how to fly jets and drive?

Great.

But it's become clear that six dogs cannot protect a city

roughly the size of San Diego.

Criminals and low-lifes are flocking here

because they know there's only one cop patrolling our streets and it's a dog!

And there's only one firefighter, also a dog.

So if there's two fires at the same time?

Someone's getting screwed, I guess?

Who is in charge of this organization?

A child?

Yes!

The Paw Patrol is run by a 10-year-old boy named Ryder.

Who is this kid? Beats me!

As far as we can tell, he has no parents and doesn't go to school.

But maybe that's for the best,

because with all our tax dollars paying for a little cockapoo's jet pack,

we now have the worst schools in the state.

This is my 17-year-old son. He can barely read.

I can read, I just don't know what sound vowels make

when they're next to other letters in a line.

Mayor Goodway, this is all your fault and you need to go!

Fact. Our city's COVID response was a national disgrace. Why?

Because six dogs were in charge of it.

Fact. Chase the police dog's only weapon is a net.

Question, how is a net going to help

if a lunatic on bath salts is eating my face?

Answer? It won't.

Fact, Marshall the fire dog is my favorite one.

He's the funniest pup by far and the coolest by a mile.

But I don't think he could carry me down a flight of stairs

because he ain't got no hands.

Fact, I also like Marshall the best.

He's super brave and his jokes never miss.

But do we feel safe? No!

Listen to this actual 911 call.

Paw Patrol are ready to roll, this is Ryder, what's your emergency?

It's my girlfriend! She's not waking up! Her eyes are, like, rolled back.

I think she's od'ing, man.

Please hold.

Unacceptable!

And that's not the only emergency that Paw Patrol's bungled.

Just ask my sister.

I went into labor early.

I was alone and called 911 for help and told them my water broke.

So they sent Zuma, the water rescue dog to my home.

He didn't understand what was happening and sat there

chewing on his upper butt while I gave birth on my kitchen floor.

Disgraceful! But it gets worse.

Recently my wife was in a terrible accident.

And who came to break this earth-shaking news to me and my children?

A bulldog in a hard hat.

And midway through telling us, he started doing that scooting thing dogs do

where they put their hind legs under them and drag their itchy ass across the floor.

Enough is enough!

Mayor goodway, the numbers don't lie.

258 unsolved murders.

36 car jackings a day.

Zero sex crime units in our police force

because the Paw Patrol and their 10-year-old boss don't know what sex is.

And one.

One chance to take our city back by voting "yes"

to recall mayor Goodway in next week's special election.

Let's make our voices heard and get my wife out of office.

Paid for by cats.

I'm a boss.

Anna Delvey gets whatever she wants.

Your money is coming. Why couldn't you just listen?

Hey, Andrew. Where did you get that sandwich?

-They're just out in the writer's room. -Oh, great, I'm starving.

-Oh, this was actually the last one. -Okay.

I'm a boss!

Andrew, wait.

That's actually my sandwich.

-What is that voice? -My sandwich is in your mouth.

Give me my sandwich.

Okay. Yeah. Sorry. I didn't know.

I'm a boss-ass bitch

This food is like basic, you know.

Chips are broke-ass. We need something more exclusive.

More VIP.

Like NOBU.

Run this on my card.

-This is a metro card. -Run it again!

Hey, little boy. Lorne says that's my couch now.

Lorne said that? 'Cause I brought this from my home.

I assure you his text is on the way.

He's in The Hamptons right now. Reception is very bad.

-Very VIP. -That does sound like Lorne.

My fellow Americans.

Lorne says I'll do Bannon now.

-He didn't say anything to me. -Text is on the way.

Give me your teeth.

Lorne says I'll host update now.

All right, bye.

-I still didn't get a card. -You're being so dramatic.

-The wire transfer's on the way. -Oh, cool. Oysters.

What're you wearing? You look parked.

I look what, now?

-Poor? -Yes.

-I loved you in "Dune," by the way. -Thanks.

Say hi to Timothee Chalamet.

From now on, my costume...

Hey, Chloe. Any update on that wire transfer?

-I'm in really deep. -I do not have time for this!

I do not have time for you!

I'm a masterpiece, bitches!

I can pay.

I can pay.

I can pay.

I'm sorry.

Come on. There you go.

-I can pay. -Chloe!

I can't help but notice, you've been delveying everyone today.

-I can pay. -You don't have to do this.

The hair, the glasses, the Russian accent that's also German.

You've just got to be confident.

The real delvey is inside you.

And has been all along.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just glad I stopped this before anyone got hurt

and there were any real consequences.

Well, I guess I won't be needing these anymore.

-Bye, Kate. -Bye.

There can only be one Delvey around here.

Very VIP.

-All right, everybody settled? -Everyone settled in okay?

-Let's settle in, everyone. -Please settle.

-We're settled. -All right.

For those of you who don't know us, my name is Donald.

And my name is Maria.

And we are your HR representatives here at Links Pharmaceutical.

That's right. We're the ones you come to with anonymous complaints,

like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

-You ratted on me, Deborah? -I did not. No.

Why would I even care that you wait outside the women's room

and say "how'd it go in there?"

Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Guys, we're not here to lecture Kevin again.

God knows we spent enough time on Kevin

thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar.

And I know what you're thinking. We have to sit through this again?

Aww, I'm going to blow my frigging brains out!

This whole schpeel again?

I'm going to blow my goddamn brains out.

Please stop saying that.

We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible

so you can get back to work.

That's right, and Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

-You told them about that? -Your face was fully under my stall.

Okay. This is real simple, guys.

We're just going to run through a couple of scenarios,

and you guys tell us whether they're appropriate or inappropriate, okay?

Here's the first one.

What if Maria says to Donald,

"wow, looks like those workouts you've been doing are really paying off"?

-I would say that's inappropriate. -Wrong.

Let's try another one.

Okay, so what if Donald said to Maria, "wow, how often are you going to the gym?

Your body is seriously fantastic."

-That's very inappropriate. -Sorry, no.

Try to really focus this time.

Maria comes up behind Donald and says,

"damn, do you live at the gym or something?

Because that juicy booty slaps."

-Wildly inappropriate. -Actually, it's not.

-Because I'm her boss. -See? Try to really listen, guys.

Okay, what if Maria's boss said to Maria,

"hey, when are you going to get to start banging out kids?

That is clock is ticking, baby."

Again, very inappropriate.

But what if my boss is my grandfather and he just really wants grandkids?

Okay, but he shouldn't say it at work in front of other people.

And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

"I thought Donald was", you know what? This isn't a game, Deborah.

Next slide.

Donald says to Maria, "hey, n-word, are you going to the gym later?

Or am I going to have to drag your thick ass there myself?"

That's really awful and inappropriate.

-Actually, it's fine. -Actually, it's not.

No, he didn't mean that "n" word. He meant nice.

-He was saying, hey nice? Yeah.

Because he's Italian. He said, "heya nice." All the time.

-That's also inappropriate. -Not if she is my boss.

Also, why are all of these examples about the two of you?

The two of us? That's how you see it?

Wow, so you see a man and a woman working together,

so automatically you think they're having raw intercourse?

No one said that.

You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath,

and just because your eyes are going owooga thinking

she'll take a bite out of her boss's sandwich,

that means automatically they're going to have raw intercourse.

Stop saying raw intercourse!

No, shut up, Deborah.

Kevin was right about what he said during the investigation,

you are an uptight bitch.

Oh my god, this is horrible.

Exactly.

You hear that? That's clapping.

We're clapping for you!

Because we're not your HR representatives.

We're from a group called "it could be worse."

And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be,

it could be worse.

Could be way worse.

What are we supposed to do with this information?

I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath,

just start typing.

He has no idea what we do.

And right when you're finished typing your types

and you go home for the day,

the women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives,

and I want you to think about us.

And how we showed you a new way to work.

A new way to live. Maybe even a new way to love.

You'll wonder, whatever happened to those two?

Did they end up going to the men's room and having raw intercourse?

And the answer is... yes.

Yes, they did.

And unrelated, which stall are you all going to be using?

Kevin.

"Kevin," fridays at 6:00 a.m. Only on the weather channel.

That's why you didn't go to grad school? Amazing.

Yeah.

-You know, I had a great time tonight. -Me too.

-We've had three incredible dates. -Yeah. Definitely.

-Hey, can I ask something? -Anything.

Why do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

What do you mean?

I've just never seen you without it.

-Why don't you take it off? -I hoped you wouldn't notice.

Look, Alan, I'll show you.

But please don't let it affect the way you see me.

Of course not, come on.

All right, here we go.

There. Now you know.

There's a little meatball guy on the side of my neck.

Every I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light,

he wakes up and sings his little songs.

-Does that clear things up for you? -Totally, 100%.

Good. Now where were we?

Just one question.

Is that a little tiny hand sticking out of the top of your shirt?

I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

And to answer your question,

yeah, they harmonize and sing together in time.

Then there's these guys.

And this one kind of munches on a block of cheese to the beat.

And this one just kind of spits up.

Then big daddy brings it all together.

We are little meatball men Singing our little meatball song

Join us please and sing along

Okay, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them up now.

Oh, no, no, once they get on a roll like this

it's better to keep them going until they get tuckered out.

We are little meatball men

We are balls of body meat

We are little meatball men

Sucking on our piece of cheese

My name is Chunky

And my name's Popolim

My name is Jobi

And my name is Jim

Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Oh, it's not necessary.

After a few years they just, like, dry and up fall off into a toilet.

Hey buddy I'm hungry. Give me some more cheese.

Oh, gross.

Oh, don't worry about that, it's not poisonous or anything.

It'll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Okay, look. I think we're moving too fast.

Oh, no, here it comes!

Oh, this is so awkward, I can't bear to watch.

Are you serious? You're dumping me?

This is coming out of nowhere!

I mean, I suppose if I had to guess

I'd say it had maybe something to do with the meatballs?

No.

Yeah, it's the meatballs.

I'm sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

Don't give up on love just because of some meatballs

Don't give up on this girl because she's got a lot of meatballs

Someday you'll realize

That in the end your love will always win

And I'm Jim

You know what? The meatballs are right.

-I'm going to make it work. -Really?

We finally got a boyfriend, yay!

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, they're extremely contagious.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen, Charli XCX!

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening!

Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

We're now at the point where at every press conference the president's asked,

will there be a nuclear war?

A journalist asked president Biden if we should be worried

about nuclear war and he said, no.

Because what's he going to say? Hell yeah, man.

Start digging a bunker, Jack.

It's like when a little kid asks you where grampie's going to go when he dies.

Obviously you're going to say heaven.

But based on some of the stuff grampie said you know hell is also on the table.

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having

superior firepower the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment,

poor motivation and inept leadership.

So basically, they're The Lakers.

Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine,

which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production

since that little six-year gap in their history books.

French president Emmanuel Macron said that

after a tense 90-minute call with Vladimir Putin,

he's convinced that the worst is yet to come.

Man, it's amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin

was just a few inches taller.

Senator Lindsey Graham, who gives this exact same look at the urinal...

created controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russians

should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin.

It is a shocking, disgusting example of Lindsey Graham

being kind of right about something.

Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio

and Utah have banned the sale of Russian-made vodka.

No word yet on brides.

Many of the members of congress attending the state of the union

wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine.

While Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she's done for the last year,

disappear into the background.

Florida governor Ron Desantis, seen here being told someone's pronouns...

Desantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event

to take off their masks saying "stop with this COVID theater."

And there's nothing more on brand for conservatives

than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

Starting on Monday New York City will no longer require bars

and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards.

The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events.

"Finally," said the next variant.

This week, Florida's controversial "don't say gay" bill

passed its final state senate committee.

Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

Hi, Couldin. Hello.

Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Sorry to barge in here out of costume.

I heard about this law.

And I think it's amazing.

-Oh, you do? -Yeah.

Because you know, when I was in middle school in the '90s I was some...

I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word "gay."

"That's so gay. Ew, you're gay."

It made me feel horrible.

And to hear that Ron Desantis has taken a stand and said no,

you cannot say gay in school anymore.

I'm just like... I'm so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

So actually, I feel like there's been a misunderstanding.

The law actually means that you can't acknowledge that gay exists at all.

What?

Yeah. Like teachers can't speak about gay people in history.

Or if a kid has a gay family member.

What?

Yeah, and if a kid confides that they're gay to a teacher,

the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Oh, what?

Yeah, sorry to break this to you.

It probably is affecting what you were going to say.

Yeah. Okay. That's okay.

I'll say something.

It's just that thing of like when they say don't say gay,

you know, then it's like stuck in your head. But it's fine.

Anyway, I am deeply gay of... sorry.

Concerned. Deeply concerned.

It just feels like this is going to make kids gay and trans...

sorry, depressed and suicidal.

And I think these laws are lesbians.

Sorry, unconscionable.

I think you ended up saying gay a couple times.

I'm trying to make sense of all this.

Like this don't say gay law have a purpose?

Well, I think I guess it's so kids aren't going home with questions

that parents don't want to answer? I don't know what the idea is.

So one kid can say I live with my parents

but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men

who bought me when I was young?

That'll be... they'll be less confused then.

It does sound like it would be more confusing.

Look, Colin, if the '90s were right and gay means bad,

then this is the gayest law I've ever seen.

If you can't say it, you might as well sing it.

Gay, gay, gay

Kate McKinnon, everyone!

Serena Williams criticized "The New York Times"

after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister, Venus Williams,

and labeled it Serena.

Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

Fans of the hit HBO show "Euphoria"

have been harshly criticizing the series creator

for sexualizing the high school characters.

Plus it's just not accurate.

Take from it me, no one has sex in high school.

Don't applaud that much.

The house voted to award the congressional gold medal

to the only all-female black unit to serve in World War II.

And Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film "Inglernious Basterds."

Dubai has opened the museum of the future which aims to show

what the world will be like in 50 years.

And let's just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark.

Especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

Dunkin' has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato,

which combines espresso, vanilla, and Irish cream.

It's the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying,

top o' the morning and losing the bottom o' your leg.

A man in Times Square returned a lost wallet filled

with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner.

When told how much money was in the returned wallet the man replied...

Pat Sajak is asking "Wheel of Fortune" fans to stop making fun

of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying,

quote, have a little heart.

Or as the contestants would guess, "haze a nipple heave."

Tuesday was national Pig Day.

But I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

According to a new study,

just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain.

Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, "buh?"

Rihanna has been showing off her baby bump

and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week.

Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

You're never going to believe it, Michael. I'm pregnant again.

Well, how are you doing, Pauline? Congratulations!

-Must be such an exciting time. -Exciting for who, Michael?

Last time I gave birth the baby was so big

the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa.

You know what it fields like to drop a drogo?

Bad. But here, look at Rihanna.

Come on. With a perfect cute little baby bump.

Meanwhile, I look like I'm trying to shoplift a turducken.

I'm just regular pregnant.

I want to be famous pregnant.

Famous pregnant?

That was just Rihanna's pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Sure was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy.

Walking around Harlem.

You know how I announced my pregnancy?

I threw up on Martin Luther King jr. Boulevard.

You know, I've had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet.

It's making me want to edit all kinds of things.

Pickles, peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

-Pauline. -I don't mean it.

I don't know what I'm saying. Pregnancy brain.

Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at Fashion Week.

Hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Oh, please! Look at this, Michael.

She looks like she's going to a sex funeral.

And she makes it look good. How?

I couldn't even wear this before.

If you're going to wear something like this, everything's got to stay put.

But right now everything on me is loose, including my pusher.

-My God! -She's always wearing heels.

You want to see my heels, Michael? These.

I used to wear a size 9. Now I'm a men's 15.

You know I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose.

I keep begging my doctor, double knot them next time, please.

-They tied them like shoelaces? Look, I'm out here on my own, Michael.

At least Rihanna's got a boyfriend by her side.

Meanwhile, you haven't come with me to not one doctor's appointment.

-Wait, why would I? -Because you did this to me.

-I did? -I said let's use protection.

And you looked me in the eye and said "it don't feel the same."

That does sound like me, yes.

All right, you know, I've got to go. I left my kids in Lorne's office.

-Pauline, everybody. -I'm younger than Rihanna.

I'm only 29.

-For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che. -I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

Oh, hi! I'm "SNL's" Aidy Bryant.

You know, over my ten years on the show,

I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers,

women named Diane, Susan, or Teacher.

And I have loved all of these sweet, nurturing women.

But the show said that if I played 150 of them,

then as a reward I could write a sketch of my own choosing.

You know, to show a different side of myself.

So tonight, this is that sketch.

Enjoy.

I'm so nervous, I can't believe Siegfried's going to take me,

a loser and a fool. How do I look?

You look fantastic, sir. I'm sure she'll be titillated.

But you're right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.

Oh, I'm sick. I'm sick with feeling for this woman.

It's her. Pray for me boys.

Hello.

Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.

My god. You are so beautiful.

And sexual. And I can tell your personality's also really good.

Oh god, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that,

I would have so many coins that it would be annoying.

Oh, sensual woman.

You make me so horny.

I see why they call you The Sexual Woman.

So yeah, I lied to Oscar Isaac.

I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show

called "The Sexual Woman." Is that a crime?

Oh, I'm the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair.

Mind if I get a little closer?

Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that closer to me, whatever.

I don't care.

I need you to know, I see you sexually.

I don't see you as someone who would, like, run a school.

I mean, you are the most under 35 person I've ever met.

Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Well, I bet you were about to do your big catchphrase.

-Right. -Yes.

My famous catchphrase. Of course.

What was it? Here we go.

Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch!

-Okay. -Yes.

I must confess, I have a big cool boner right now,

which I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.

Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason.

I mean, pretty random.

Every time I've done something romantic on the show,

it's been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling.

Or Drake.

Oh, my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness?

Well, whatever. You only live once.

Now back to the sketch.

Is the food all right? I hope you even like spaghetti.

You're lucky that I do.

Damn it, I'm in love with you and it's killing me!

Yes. To me this is normal behavior.

I wrote a song for you, if that's okay.

Sexual Woman, are you from Paris or Barcelona?

No I'm from Arizona

Sexual Woman, I respect you so much

I've just demonstrated by my insane boner

A boner?

Let me guess. You want to kiss me now.

Yes, I do. But not yet.

You need time to digest all that spaghetti.

So now could we just hug?

Yes, good idea.

I would have forgotten to digest and regretted it later.

Oh, what they say about you is true.

You are everyone's cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac.

-Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac. -Sorry.

It says my real name on the card. Is that a mistake?

I don't know.

I guess... the writers are so annoying and stupid.

I would say I guess just go with it?

Okay. All right.

Then let's get my fat ass on your lap.

The Sexual Woman! "Hey! Get your fat ass on my lap, bitch."

You thought you could fix it by yourself

Plumbing's just as easy as building a shelf

Your DIY becomes OMG

You're in over your head

Well, hello!

I'm Gus Vanzant. And welcome to "In over your head"

where we talk to folks who got a little overconfident

taking on projects around the house.

Sponsored by thumb ice.

Did you whack your thumb with a hammer like a cartoon idiot?

Numb the pain with thumb ice.

Our first guest is Tommy Dorian, who said he tried to install his own pool.

Come on in, Tommy.

Well, looks like your hair's still a little wet from the pool there, Tommy.

No, that's unrelated.

Okay.

So tell us, what was behind your thinking behind building your own pool?

Well, my neighbor put one in. Hired a whole crew and an architect.

The whole nine yards. I thought, it's basically a hole plus a hose.

Why overthink it?

-And when did things go wrong? -Almost immediately, Gus.

My problem started when I tried to pour the concrete

while I was still digging, to save time.

-Oh, wow. -Oh wow is right.

Cut to, I'm up to my waist in hard concrete screaming,

"Help! Someone turn off the hose!"

So you were already running the hose?

To fill the pool, to save time, yes. Had to have it open for New Year's.

Well, looking back, any regrets?

I do wish I hadn't punctured my septic tank.

That's a whole different kind of pool.

Thanks for coming, Tommy.

Thanks for allowing me.

All right.

Our next guest thought that he should, quote, do his own electrical.

Please welcome Felix Crewe!

Hey, Gus! Long time, first time.

You mean, long time watch, first-time guest?

No. First time electrocuted. Long time it hurt.

So, how did you decide to do your own electrical work?

Well, I keep telling my wife, it's just wires.

Babe, it's just wires.

Honey, nothing's going to happen, it's wires.

Right.

You know when you see a guy defusing bombs in the movies you think,

I could do that?

I've never thought that.

Well, I have a lot.

So I thought, "what the hell, I'm going to install my own circuit breaker."

-Oh, my god. -No, trust me, there is no god.

Now, the whole idea of a breaker is to stop a power surge, right?

So, I think I should start with the power dialed all the way up

because that's what I'm trying to protect myself against, right?

That is very bad logic.

So I got this thing cranked up higher than lightning

and I'm like, "time to screw in the metal screws," right?

No, not right.

Cut to... I fly so hard through a sheet of drywall

that my scream physically detaches from my body and travels at a slower speed.

Kind of like peter pan's shadow detaching from his body.

Yeah, got it.

So after I hit a steel support column,

wiping out the entire first floor of my home,

I am hit in the face by my own scream.

Wild, right?

And what did you learn from all of this?

Gloves. You've got to wear gloves.

-Well, thank you, Felix. -Excited to get my check.

There's no check.

All right.

And our final guest says that she's been trying to repair her home for months.

Please welcome... this can't be right. My wife Carlisa.

Hey, baby. Uh, what you doing here?

Just trying to repair my home.

This damn fool is out here pretending he's a big expert.

Meanwhile, his own house is literally falling apart.

Well, if you have a problem, baby, I'm happy to fix it.

With what? This is your toolbox.

But there aren't no tools in here, though.

It's just cans of black's beer.

Hey, I've been looking for those.

There's no tools in this whole goofy-ass workshop.

It's just chocolate bars that look like tools.

Well, sometimes I get a little hungry.

Meanwhile, our toilet hasn't worked in months.

I opened the lid of the tank and saw this.

Well, you never know when you might need an ice cold hot dog.

And then you snuck some crushed up peanut shells into our son's lunch

to prove that he was faking his peanut allergy.

Well, the important thing is that I trust you now.

I still think he may be exaggerating a little bit.

Gus. What do you have to say for yourself?

Look. I think it's pretty clear that I am in over my head...

No, no, no. Don't you dare sing that damn jingle to me, no.

This man sucked up a wasp nest with a vacuum

and now he won't even throw it away.

-Listen, Dyson... -Idiot. You's an idiot.

You want some of this...

Over your head

Once again, Charli XCX!

Abraham Lincoln smiled.

She may be flawed but she's still my country.

Anyway, see you tonight.

At the theater.

The end.

That was great, Linus. And very relevant, too.

Very much the intention. Thank you.

Well, well, great stories tonight, everyone.

And we will be back next month, all are welcome.

Sir, I'm sorry. We'll be two minutes.

Oh, my gosh. You're not finished. Excuse me.

Well, actually, sir... I don't think we've ever actually spoken.

But I feel like I always see you with a different book.

-You like reading? -Oh, yeah. Yes, ma'am.

It's how I've seen the world ten times over, because of my books.

I love that. You ever try any writing?

I mean, I dabble. But no, maybe one day. You all are the writers.

Well, why don't you read us something? Whatever you got.

-Oh, I don't know. -No judgments here.

-We're all just trying stuff out. Promise. -Come on, man, take a seat.

-Yeah, I'd love to hear it, pal. -Absolutely.

Gosh, that's so nice. I've never read in front of people before.

This one's called "The Apogee of Midnight."

-Oh, lovely. Please. -Okay.

There it was again. The sound of mop on tile.

The start of another late night. One of thousands like it.

Alone in Chandler High. But the janitor liked the silence.

It held him in a cool, delicate calm.

-I really like that. -Thank you.

Then, footsteps.

Loud and getting closer.

Hello? School's closed.

A woman turned the corner. She looked lost.

Sorry, I'm looking for someone named Mike?

Oh, yeah? Who's asking?

My name is Dua Lipa.

I'm a big pop star and I'm looking for a janitor named Mike.

-Okay. -The janitor paused.

That was his name.

Dua Lipa sighed.

You haven't heard of me, have you?

Sorry, ma'am. More of a classic rock guy myself.

But sure, maybe I've seen a bikini pic or two, how can I help?

Okay, you know what, it is getting pretty late.

-So I think we should probably wrap it up. -He just started.

Wrap up? So I can mop? Heck, I got time.

Yeah, and I want to know where it's going.

-I don't. -Yeah, I think I'm good.

Yeah, you're right. I'm bad at this.

No, no. We support it.

-So please, go ahead. -Oh, thank you.

Mind if I sit down? Dua Lipa was exhausted.

She'd just done a concert in Europe.

And was still in her sparkly show getup.

He liked her. She was cool.

So what brings you out all this way to see little old me, girlie?

Oh, I don't know, this is going to sound crazy.

Come on, Dua Lipa, you know you can talk to me.

I'm your friend.

It's true. They were fast friends.

And nothing more. Right?

-Are you asking us? -Please. I'm still reading.

Well, I guess I wanted to ask you a favor, Mike.

Sure thing, girlie. What's up?

Would you teach me how to make out? I've never done it before.

Okay, I'm sorry, I just... No.

-Oh, come on. -Why?

Look, I think that it's great that you write.

I just don't really want to hear about your weird, made-up thing with Dua Lipa.

-I'm sorry, I don't. -My thing?

This ain't me, mama, this is fiction. Third person.

Yeah, about a janitor named Mike.

-Right. -And so what is your name?

Michael B. Jackson. Why?

-It's kind of creepy, man. -Very creepy.

I see. I guess I'm not a writer after all.

-Back to the toilets it is. -Just finish it, please.

Okay, cool.

Sure, Dua Lipa, I can teach you how to make out.

Wait, can my friend come? Her name is Tawny McDaniels.

The famous ginger milf?

One and the same.

You know her?

Know her? I manage her sub brand.

Of course pornography hasn't been the same since the '70s.

That's before T.J. Munst took over at stuffed.

When the mags had vision and the spreads were actually good.

Sorry, I do think we need to call it there.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stuff happens, stuff happens, so, Dua laughed.

Hey, Michael B., thanks.

This truly was the apogee of midnight.

Amen.

Chapter 2.

-Amen? -Chapter 2?

That wasn't the end?

Oh, honey, we got 800 pages in book one, strap in.

Have a great night, everyone. Get home safe. Okay?

All right.

Thank you!

Thank you to Charli XCX!

Thank you to this amazing crew and this incredible cast.

The "SNL" family for the week. Thank you.

You've been a great audience. Good night!