Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Ukrainian Chorus Dumka of New York.

Live from New York, is Saturday Night.

KYIV

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Aidy Bryant...

Michael Che...

Pete Davidson...

Mikey Day...

Cloe Fineman...

Heidi Gardner...

Colin Jost...

Kate McKinnon...

Alex Moffat...

Kyle Mooney...

Ego Nwodin...

Chris Redd...

Cecily Strong...

Kenan Thompson...

Melissa Villaseñor...

Bowen Yang...

Aristotle Athori...

Andrew Dismukes...

James Austin Johnson...

Punkie Johnson...

Sarah Sherman...

LCD Sound System...

and our host John Mulaney.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time.

For many, many reasons I'm grateful to be here tonight

after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place

that's always emphasized sobriety and mental health.

Since I last hosted, different things have happened.

In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend's apartment,

but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me.

My least favorite kind of intervention.

When I walked into my intervention,

I knew right away that it was an intervention.

Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have?

If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is,

"This is probably an intervention about my drug problem.

There's no other reason people would be behind the door."

I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person,

and six of my friends over Zoom from LA.

And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like,

if you're so worried about me, how come you didn't fly in? Don't worry.

I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible.

I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience.

I'm very grateful that I went.

I was there for two months from December till February 2021.

I was there January 6, during the insurrection.

Wouldn't have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it.

Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No.

Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not.

They wouldn't dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor

and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers.

In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say,

"Hey, never get in touch with me again. I'm sober now."

It's called breaking up with your drug dealer.

I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down.

I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn't have said his name.

But that's, that's okay. You don't know him.

Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, "Hey, I'm deleting and blocking you.

I'm sober now. I'm never gonna buy drugs again." And then I'm really polite.

So I didn't know how to end the text.

So I was like, "But thank you for all of the nights that became days

and your inspired professionalism."

So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back.

He goes, "Hey, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy that you got sober.

You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you.

And I didn't want you to get worse stuff off the street."

I know. And I'm breaking up with this guy?

So I can't block him. Now I text him back, you know?

I go, "Hey, oh my god, you sweet man."

I said, "You only bought drugs to sell to me?" He says , "Yeah."

I said, "Did you sell drugs to other people?" He said, "No."

I said, "This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?"

He said, "No. I'm a painter. We talked about this."

Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person.

So I texted him. I go, "How did it come to be

that you sell me drugs?"

And he wrote back, "I don't know. You just kept asking."

I like that story.

Because there are many tales of drug dealers

who have turned innocent people into drug addicts.

I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer

and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son.

I'm very excited. Yes.

He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can't vote.

His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm.

And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm.

We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him,

and he's crying a little.

So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room,

and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light.

And light is just shining in his eyes. It's really bright.

And he's not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light

and this is what he does.

He was annoyed.

But he didn't say anything. And I was like, "That's my son.

A polite man in an uncomfortable situation,

but he's not going to make a fuss." And this was a really bright light.

I thought it was bright and I'd seen lights.

He'd never seen a light before in his life.

To see on a baby's face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting.

He's a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though.

It's such a bummer.

He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them.

We still have them in a basket on our counter.

And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like,

"Oh, I want to use those but I can't because they could kill me."

Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show.

LCD Sound system is here. So stick around and we'll be right back.

-Thanks again for taking my case. -How could I not?

Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood?

You go over to say hi and get mauled. It's not right.

-Do you think we'll get a settlement? -Absolutely.

Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

Yeah. That's a tough break. We got the monkey judge.

A monkey judge?

Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor

who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.

Please be seated. No one look me in the eye.

Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered.

So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom.

However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey.

And I will completely lose it.

Also let the record show that I'm fairly close to completely losing it.

The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

No Gumbo.

-What? -Tango.

Yeah, I know. I'm talking about a different monkey.

Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Should I keep going?

Yeah, but I'm going to throw a little sand to show dominance.

Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant's house

when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and...

Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?

Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat.

And this time I had on a green baseball cap.

Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape.

And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that?

For you to not feel his insane breath on your face

as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?

Well, he is in a hanging mood today.

Are you sure? He's smiling?

No, he's baring his teeth.

It's hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?

May the defense approach the bench

in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?

The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.

As I approach, your honor,

I'd like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake

and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper.

And also I'll take that shiny thing.

Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine.

And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake.

And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.

-You are the Alpha? -Yes.

Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you're favoring the defense.

That is ridiculous.

Your Honor. I love judge.

I love you.

I love judge.

You our baby. Judge love baby.

Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Oh, come on!

Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.

Are you suggesting that I'm not competent? Tango made these pieces match.

Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice.

I'm getting tired and I feel slightly cornered

and this is all getting so, so dangerous. I'm just going to dismiss the entire...

Wait! Wait! I'd like to call a surprise witness.

Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate,

I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.

Well, I got some good news for you judge.

That side wins! That side wins!

Next time on Monkey Judge,

a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty.

His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.

Sorry. Jenny!

Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we're both buying dog food today.

Well, not really. I'm buying Blue River dog food,

which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates.

Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked

at the ingredients on that big name dog food you're buying?

They seem fine to me.

Really? Okay. Well, then, why don't you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

-Okay. Corn, chicken... -Go on, continue!

Corn gluten meal.

Sorry, what is that? Corn gluten meal?

No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

-It's not $80. It's $73.99. -That's insane.

It's actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

No, it's not.

Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags

and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

-Correct? Correct? -Yeah, right.

-I should be going okay. -28 days, four weeks is a month, right?

So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month,

it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly.

I guess I wouldn't be like bragging about all the savings

because it's actually not as much as you think.

No! That math doesn't make sense.

Oh, you don't think so? Why don't we ask my husband? Daniel!

Oh my god! I don't care.

Oh my god. You're not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

She likes it, okay? And I'm saving money.

32 cents a day monthly? That's worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

Oh my god. That's why the dog's been in the stupid cart.

It can't walk because of the food.

The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously,

I knew what that meant the whole time,

but I wasn't even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Okay, look, she can walk.

People like you should be hung in a public square.

Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther.

Look at Prime Time.

Look at Wantan.

Look at Alexander.

You always, always have been their advocates

and their voice more than anyone, anyone who's ever lived.

I know. I know. But it's like it's too late. I mean, the dog can't walk.

It's just sitting there humiliated.

He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God.

Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Fine! Felicity, what do you want?

I want Blue River dog food, mommy. Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy.

I wanna walk. It's only 32 cents more a day monthly.

I don't want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It's not too late.

Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay?

-May I go now please? -Definitely.

God, we just saved that dog's life.

Not we. You.

And you know what else? I think I'm ready to do it.

I think I'm finally ready to make love to you.

What? It's working?

If this is what I think it is, it's working.

Everyone! He says it's working.

Congratulations!

-We'll go really slow. -Thank you.

Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.

I'm so glad we're doing this. My favorite restaurant with my favorite people.

Honey, I agree, 100%

You know what? This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

But, Keith, you know you can take your mask off the table.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know I'm wearing it half the time.

I heard the CDC is gonna lift all mask mandates soon.

Oh, yeah. I know.

It's so weird. It's like COVID is not over, but it's just gonna stop.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I wrote...

Honey, no one wants to hear about that.

What? It was in Bloomberg. And I thought it was interesting.

What? What article?

-Well, it was... -Honey!

It was just saying how mask mandates had,

I don't know, little to no effect on COVID.

I am sorry. It's not like I'm anti mask or anything.

I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually helped.

-Gina. -No, no.

We can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic.

Yes, yes. Of course. I will start because for instance,

while I am so personally relieved that I'm vaccinated...

Careful...

I sometimes wonder if other people who are hesitant...

Careful...

Might not have like a valid not valid...

What...

Not valid, but understandable...

Not tonight...

Help me.

I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous

when we condemn...

Oh no...

I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs...

Oh no...

Careful, girl.

Look, vaccines save lives. Fact.

Okay, they stopped the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.

Where are you up to?

But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn't get...

-No... no... no... -A booster?

Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun.

Isn't there's something happy we can talk about?

No, no, we started this. We need to finish it.

David go make sense of this please.

Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake the administration made

was not providing more testing.

But the UK had done tons of testing and had even more COVID.

Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas.

You mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail?

Okay, well, at least we have the CDC.

I mean, they haven't always been perfect, but the science changed.

How does science change?

When I make a mistake at work, I don't get to say the science changed.

At least we had outdoor dining.

Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street?

How was that outdoor?

Look, I went to a child's birthday party, self careful.

And they did gymnastics in masks, don't,

and then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza.

This is the end of me. So did they really need the mask?

Oh, no! Did any of us ever need the mask?

No!

I like Toodles.

My god. My god. I'm so glad I said that out loud.

Of course we needed the mask. We need it.

We may not know for years the full extent of what we've been through

but we did our best and we're gonna get through this.

Amen.

When an anti Vaxxer gets it, I feel happy.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Well, we don't have to wash our hands anymore. Do we?

I never did.

Where is my wife?

A please don't destroy video.

Oh, my God. Did you guys hear there's a new variant?

-Are you kidding me? -Oh, my God, another one?

Dude, when is COVID gonna be over? This is ridiculous.

Wait, wait, wait. Apparently, this one is good.

-What do you mean, it's good? -I don't know.

Let me just turn on the news.

They're calling it a miracle.

A new strain of COVID-19 that's mutated so hard, it's actually good.

Wait. No.

It's called the Gelvini variant, and it doesn't make you sick.

It just makes you feel dope.

Oh, my God.

Dude, it, like, doesn't give you a fever or anything?

No, it just makes you feel, like, cool and confident.

It comes from the sandy beaches of Cabo San Lucas.

Dude, having Gelvini is like having a drink with an old friend.

-Beer me. -Oh, my God.

Fauci's telling people to go to the club.

We have to go!

-Hey, guys. -Hey, Paul.

Bad news, I tested positive for the Gelvini variant,

and it actually made me sick.

-Oh, shoot. -At playin' synth!

Oh, my God!

You're positive!

You're positive!

You're positive!

This just in... I'm going on vacay!

See you in Bali, bitches!

-All right, who's hungry? -Did somebody say hungry?

-Roker! -Come and get it!

Roker's on the loose.

-Fauci just put out a statement! -What'd he say?

He just hooked up with Saweetie.

Go, Fauci! Go, Saweetie!

-Martin, you're positive! -I know, right?

-No. For anal worms. -For real?

But we caught it early!

Hold up. A new symptom.

Apparently, the good variant gives you long, luscious locks.

-I couldn't do this before! -Forty hands!

-Oh, boy. -And guess what else, y'all.

-What else, news man? -Pokémon are real!

Look at this!

We're gonna live forever!

Did someone say hungry?

Maybe a while ago, but, yeah, come on in, man.

Go, Paul!

This kicks ass.

COVID's over, and everything's gonna rock forever.

This just in. Pokémon have stormed the Capitol.

I repeat... Pokémon have stormed the Capitol.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wait! Oh, hold up, y'all!

They're just there to pass awesome legislation!

Oh, my God!

Alright.

Alright, everybody.

Alright, uh, Candice and Paul,

how do we think the show is going so far?

And don't be afraid to be brutal.

Well, not to be a total bitch, but my Five-Timer show

in December was going to be a lot better.

That is, until the whole cast decided to call out sick.

-They all had COVID! -So what? I have COVID right now!

I got it from the Queen.

Humble brag.

Hi. I think I'm supposed to be in here?

Oh, Megan Mullally!

As I live and breathe.

-Welcome to the Five-Timers Club. -Oh, thank you, Candice.

Wow, this place is amazing.

Well, congratulations, John.

And let me be the first person to say, who are you?

Well, Candice, you wouldn't know me,

but if you have a niece or a son who's bad at sports, they might.

Oh, come on. He's John Mulaney.

Congrats, man. Tonight, it's all about you.

And me to a degree, as well, because my party was canceled due to laziness.

Well, I'm just happy that you're here in my episode.

And Paul Rudd exits.

What, that... that's it?

Just reading. Sorry, buddy.

And Tina Fey enters.

That's a nice one, John.

I love how us writers control everything with stage directions.

And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is,

I want to say, Phillip.

-It's James, Ms. Fey. -That's what I said, Phillip.

What kind of drink is that?

It's the Five-Timer Fizz. It's made with Justin Timberlake's tequila,

Dan Aykroyd's vodka, and Tracy Morgan's club soda, which is aquarium water.

Gross. Dan Aykroyd's vodka?

Listen, I have to say, I had no idea people got treated this well.

You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.

Well, you were one of the best.

I mean, you wrote that character with Bill Hader

and 800 other things that aged terribly.

-Thank you. -Ah, well, that's all behind you.

Tonight you're in the company of comedy legends and the Sexiest Man Alive.

This silly thing?

Paul, that was so 2021.

I'm talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.

Oh, hello.

Oh, my God. Elliott.

Well, Paul may have People magazine,

but I was named Sexiest Man Alive by Chest Hair Magazine.

Hey, Elliott, do you remember being on my sitcom?

Should I?

Well, John, we have some business to discuss.

The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in,

someone has to retire.

Too bad no one here is at retirement age.

You are 76.

But I have the child of a 38-year-old.

And we can't get rid of Tina.

She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.

That's true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting.

And it can't be Candice. I mean, she was back here in the '70s.

Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?

Oh, yeah, I made those guys do really weird stuff.

I was fine with it.

So, are you saying there's no room for me?

Well, this was supposed to be a very small club,

with just the highest quality of stars.

-Does that make sense? -Yeah.

So, what you're saying is...

I think what we're all trying to say is this has become not special.

Did somebody say...

Did somebody say not special?

-Conan, what are you doing here? -I'm just here to sign up for Peacock.

It's weird they make you do it in person.

Look, John, don't listen to them.

This is very, very special.

I was in the very first Five-Timers Club special...

club back specs, thing when...

when I was a writer here.

Yeah, okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.

Yeah, but you were on the show when you were a writer, so shut up!

John and I were never supposed to be on TV.

We're hideous. Right? Say it, John.

-I guess. -Yeah. We are.

We're here and we're taking what's ours. We want to take it by the horns.

It's ours!

The point is, you start here, and you can do great things.

I hosted my own TV show for decades.

And what are you doing now?

I have a podcast.

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but Conan has a point.

Being in this club is pretty damn special.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Let's give him his jacket.

All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.

Well, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.

-Thanks, Paul. -Oh, sure, John.

Guys, everyone, thank you.

This really does just mean the world to me.

Yeah. And one more thing.

Live from New York, it's...

No, no, Conan. We did that already.

I'm doing it anyway.

Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

Ladies and gentlemen, LCD Soundsystem!

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine.

President Putin launched the attack with support from allies

like Belarus and Tucker Carlson.

Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion

even though it was obviously gonna be a colossal mistake.

But he couldn't back down after all that build-up.

Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions from the West

will not deter Putin

because his money is in non-traditional assets that are difficult to trace.

So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he's also into crypto.

After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to negative 90%.

This is a tough subject to make jokes about.

I mean, in my lifetime, I've seen footage of attacks like this on other countries,

but never a white one.

I don't know very much about this whole situation,

but I have a close friend who's Russian and I asked her what she thought about it

and she said "Michael, you no pay me to talk, baby."

I am very impressed by all the Ukrainian citizens signing up

to defend their country, even the famous ones.

Imagine that here.

If you ever read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war,

we have just lost that war.

One of the first places Russian forces seized when invading Ukraine

was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster.

Said Ukrainians, "Oh, no, don't take that."

Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

Donald Trump... great transition.

Donald Trump praised Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine,

saying, "This is genius."

Though "This is genius" is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson,

seen here getting tired of y'all's foolishness, was nom...

was nominated by President Biden

to become the first Black woman on the Supreme Court.

The nomination ful... Yeah.

The nomination fulfills Biden's promise to change the subject.

You clapped too early.

Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week.

"Weird, I thought interviewing Black candidates was just for show,"

said the NFL.

A new book claims that while Donald Trump was president,

White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet.

So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

In the days after New York mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan

to stop violence in the city's transit system,

six people were stabbed on the subway.

And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say that sounds pretty low.

It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew

with a nursery rhyme.

Said Prince Andrew, "Ooh, nursery."

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit

of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post-race drug test.

And I just want to say to Medina Spirit,

I hope it's hot in horse hell, you cheating bastard.

Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character.

A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found

and returned to her owner after spending more than a decade

living at Dave's Taxidermy Shop.

A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a double-A battery

stuck inside his penis.

It was double-A because that's the sound he makes when it goes in.

This year marks the 50th anniversary

of one of Marvel Comics' first Black superheroes, Luke Cage.

In the comics,

Luke Cage faces off against Black people's most powerful enemy of the 1970s...

lead paint.

Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker

and shot him in the face,

this according to Peacock's very dark reboot of "Sister, Sister."

This week the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex.

It took them this long

because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

Do you get it?

Researchers have observed a nearly 60-foot-tall rogue wave

off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded.

Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo' mama fell overboard.

Well, for "Weekend Update: Oops All Jokes," I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che. Good night!

Man, how long is this train gonna take?

Yeah, it says the next one arrives in "fuggedaboutit."

-I love this new mayor. -I'm starving.

Yo, newsstand guy, let me get a Snickers and a bag of chips.

I'll get you the closest thing... an Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts.

-They still make Oh Henry! bars? -No.

-And what does he want? -Oh, nothing from you.

I'm gonna go buy a churro.

-You're buying a what? -A churro.

They smell delicious, and that's saying a lot considering I have active COVID.

You're sure you want a churro,

an unwrapped churro from a woman pushing a laundry cart

who's holding it in her bare hands with a Starbucks napkin?

Look, I'm a grown, drunk man,

and I want a churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home.

Very well then.

The die is cast.

Oh, mole person, why don't you tell this gentleman what happens

when you eat a churro from the subway?

Some disgusting evening

You will buy a churro

A loose, unpackaged churro

And then your butt will bleed

And somehow you'll know

As soon as you chew

That an hour before you

A rat bit it, too

Wait a second. Mole people are real?

Of course they're real.

Imagine how great that would be to live off the grid.

No more endless texts or e-mails.

What?

If I were a mole man

All day long I'd drink a shoe of rum

If I were a mole person

We'd never have to work hard

I used to drive an Amazon van

Living in a hole is such a better plan

Now you feast on old discarded ham

If I were a filthy mole man

Was that the actual cast of "Fiddler"?

No, there's just a lunch break at B&H Photo.

Oh, my God! There's a woman on the tracks!

-Is that a ghost? -No.

She was just fired from "Sleep No More."

-Now she wanders the tunnels. -Is she okay?

Oh, I'm more than okay.

I am high on bath salts

Every night, every day

In my mind, you three are demons

If you touch me, I eat your face

-This is crazy! -I know.

It's like, are you even allowed to do "South Pacific" anymore?

Wait, can you tell me where in the city we are?

Oh, the worst part.

We're in Midtown

Where there's no food at night

You're in Midtown

Where police horses fight

You're in Midtown

Where the traffic lights are for show

The land of finance bros

Hey, look! The subway train's snakin' its way into the station,

and it's got something for everyone!

Did he have a lisp earlier?

Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks

Oh, please, let it stop for me

Oh, oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks

It's called the F because it's effing me

I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

In March, I got airborne HPV

One time I sat directly on a needle

Our new mayor said he fixed it, but I just got stabbed

Giuliani says hello.

This is the F train running on the Q tracks,

skipping random stations when I feel like it.

But wait. This train is empty except for one man in a trench coat.

That's right. I cleared everyone out. You see...

I'm fapping on the train

Just fapping on the train

What a glorious feeling

I'm naked under here

Conductor, can't you just close the doors?

I would if Evan Hansen would move his backpack.

And I am telling you

I'm not moving my backpack

That's from a different musical with Jennifer Hudson.

Stop bullying me!

I got to get that guy on bath salts.

And look out. On the floor of the train,

there's also a puddle of unidentifiable origin.

I am the liquid on the floor

Am I pee or Mountain Dew?

Don't worry, I'm flowing towards the door

Just kidding I'm gonna touch your shoe

Stop right there!

"Emily in Paris"?

No! We're the Guardian Angels.

And if you're looking for a fight, you got to go through us.

-Easy. -Oh, really?!

I'm possibly the real Jesus Christ,

wearing my famous New York Islanders beer helmet.

And if you want this subway, you'll have to kill me again first.

Oh, my God, it's all happening!

Just as the oracle predicted.

Jesus Christ

Subway car

The helmet doesn't track with what we've known so far

Jesus Christ

Wearing Crocs

Why does she have a spider in a box?

Jesus Christ

She's pretty drunk

She has fish and churros for everyone

It's a miracle!

Gonna save us all!

She's gonna be!

Feasting on churros in paradise

Jesus Christ

She is our Jesus, our Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ

Welcome to "Behind the Slime,"

a look back at the history of Nickelodeon's iconic green goo.

I'm Nick Cannon, former star of "All That."

And I'm Marc Summers, former host of "Double Dare,"

"Super Sloppy Double Dare,"

and the ill-fated "Dirty Nasty Hardcore Double Dare."

America was introduced to Nickelodeon's famous slime

on the Canadian kids comedy show "You Can't Do That on Television."

Green slime would rain down on anyone who said the phrase "I don't know."

But as you'll see, it took them a while to figure out the consistency.

Heads-up, this show was made in Canada, so those kids are white as hell.

Okay, let's take a look.

-Hey, Tracy. -Oh, hey, Christina.

-You good at Rubik's Cube? -Not really.

-I'm color-blind. -Wait.

You're color-blind and your parents are divorced?

No wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

Again, this was from 1980, when TV was crazy.

You know, I have always wondered, who exactly is this Rubik guy?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! That was like concrete!

I can't believe you said, "I don't know."

Crap, the bucket.

Oh, geez. What was that?

Hey, sorry!

Little bastard kind of slipped out of my hands.

Yeah, slime's too damn thick.

Fun fact...

That woman with the busted-ass haircut is slime's creator, Becky Boggs.

The early days also saw experimentation in the methods of sliming,

as seen in this clip from another early episode.

You're so damn funny, Suzanne Somers.

-Oh, it's Marc... Marc Summers. -Hah, whatever.

-Hey, Craig! -Hey, Marcy.

You know, this Spider-Man comic's got me thinking.

You'd be a good superhero...

Stuffs-her-bra Woman.

Well, you can be my sidekick, the Incredible Homo!

1980!

I prefer Super Craig.

Oh, and what's "Super Craig's" super power?

I don't know. I guess...

Jesus Christ.

Looks like Super Craig's power is being slimed.

Oh, why did they do it to me?!

I don't know! I mean, what's happ...

Stop! Stop!

Help me! Stop!

Stop! It feels like needles in my face!

Hey, I'm sorry about that, little man.

Yeah, the issue is fixed, and it won't happen again.

Please stop. We're begging you.

Ha, well, the season's second-to-last episode showed a glimmer of the slime

we know today, but there were still some issues to iron out.

Slime is one sticky business.

Hell yeah.

Just like having 18 kids by 20 different women.

I'm losing my hair!

Hey, Pat. Hey, Matt.

Geez, what's wrong with you, Abby?

Are you on your period or something?

No. She's probably just upset because she's adopted.

I mean, do I got to say it?

-1980. -They know, man.

I have a question.

Are you dweebs ever not annoying?

I don't know.

Alright.

-Kind of hard to breathe. -I know.

I feel like you can stop soon.

What percent done are we right now?

Is it okay to get... is it okay to get in your mouth?

Go ahead and stop probably. I think we can stop now.

I feel like you got it at this point.

Oh, God.

Please stop!

Please! Please!

After that episode,

the slime time was shortened from six minutes to five seconds.

Stay tuned. After the break, we'll be joined by one of the Petes

from "The Adventures of Pete & Pete." Spoiler... It's Pete.

But not that one. Not the one you're thinking about.

Once again, LCD Soundsystem.

Oh, gosh, should we have brought food?

I don't know how these things work.

Oh, honey, it's your first reunion. It's fine. My family loves you.

Really? They love that you're married to the guy

who was L.L.Bean's customer of the year?

Yes. Yes. Just be yourself.

Alright, alright, alright. Hello, everybody.

I just want to welcome y'all to the Robinson family reunion!

Yes, indeed. We're gonna have a good time.

I want everybody to get on out here now.

It's time for the "Cupid Shuffle," y'all.

Oh, my gosh. Everyone's wearing T-shirts.

-Did you know about this? -Yeah. They...

They didn't send you one in the mail?

Come on, y'all.

It don't matter if you're young or old

We gonna show you how it goes To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Now walk it by yourself

Yeah, walk it by yourself

How many members of your family are here? I feel like they're all staring at me.

Oh, my God, they're not. I promise.

To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk

Now push it like LeBron Yeah, push it like LeBron

I'm not really sure I know this version of the "Cupid Shuffle."

Oh, this here? This is the "Atlanta two piece and a biscuit" remix.

Somethin' stink

Yeah, close your Tupperware

You know, it's crazy to think I used to take baths with all these people.

-Oh, Daniel, you're here! -Oh, Danitra! Hey. Yeah.

This is my wife... Lisa.

-Oh, hey, Lisa. -I think we cousins, girl.

But me and Daniel... we old friends.

That's right. We used to play all day as kids. We just had to be home...

When the street lights came on!

That's it. How's that hotel you're staying in?

It's pretty nice, but they didn't give us no washcloths.

What? Who showers without a washcloth?

I know. They super nasty.

Alright, Daniel, we still going Essence Fest this year, right?

Oh, yeah. I reserved us seats for a live taping of "Iyanla, Fix My Life."

Alright, bet. I'mma holler at y'all, alright?

Oh, I got to make sure that door stay closed.

Yeah, you can't let that good air out, now.

Wait, wait, wait. You're going to Essence Fest?

Yeah. I got you a ticket, too.

Call the cops

Yeah, it's gonna be a while

Playing spades

Yeah, how many books you got?

-Wait a minute. You brought cards? -Yeah. Lisa, come on.

It's a family reunion.

Oh, there he is! I heard you was here, Daniel.

Now it's a party.

Wait. You know my Uncle Bunk?

Well, sure, but I know him as Mr. Robinson.

-How's your knee doing, sir? -Better. I put a little Robitussin on it.

Works every time. It's good to see you here.

I wasn't sure if that COVID would keep you away.

Well, I got vaccinated, but don't tell nobody.

Yeah. I hear you.

I got vaxxed, too, but it would break my mama's heart

if she knew I took a government needle.

I hear that. I got to go, Daniel.

They got me watching my little nephew. Always acting up.

That's child problem is he's got no home training.

Yeah, and he needs to stay out of grown folks' business before he get whipped!

See, Daniel? I told you everybody loves you.

Oh, I only know like 20, 30 people here, tops.

To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Gonna fight, gonna fight

Now rub some Vasoline Yeah, rub your Vasoline

Alright, great job, everybody!

And now it is time for the "Soul Train" line!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, no. I didn't know this was happening.

Well, listen, honey, you do not have to do it, okay?

No, no, I wouldn't. I don't think that would be appropriate, unless...

Now walk it by yourself Yeah, walk it by yourself

Thanks to LCD Soundsystem,

Steve Martin, Candice Bergen, Paul Rudd, Tina Fey,

Elliott Gould, Conan O'Brien, and the Ukrainian Chorus Dumka of New York.

Thank you for watching, everybody.