Original subtitles

Mr. President...

Mr. President, the situation in Ukraine is growing tenser by the hour.

Putin has amassed over 100,000 troops at the border.

We're even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded,

but those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired

so take it we the grain of salt.

What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany.

They're staying out of it.

Oh, man! If Germany doesn't want to go to war, you know it's bad.

Russia's military may be the worst of our problems.

We have been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine,

and there are some lies Ukrainians don't know who to believe anymore.

Russia tried that during or last election, too, but it didn't work.

40% of Americans think you lost the election, so it kind of did.

Take a look at the posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook.

"Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops."

"Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug."

"Ukrainian president horny for drama. Want war. Slap me harder, daddy."

I'm going to break my new year's resolution and say it... lordy.

They're also bringing our country into it.

"American CDC strongly recommends Russia invades Ukraine."

Did the CDC really recommend that?

Yeah, for a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

There's also this...

"Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrenders."

And this one is unbelievable.

"Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of a guy?

100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you at soldiersonly.com."

My God. I mean, it is a good idea for a web side.

They're turning our most beloved heroes against us.

"I don't always get invaded but when I do, I prefer Russia."

Not to mention this... "why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away".

Nothing sacred to them, not even guy check out hot girl.

It's not only memes. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok.

What the hell was that?

Sir, it's a video with 8.7 million views.

No, I mean what the hell was that dancing? The choreography wasn't even crisp.

I've got log in and flame those guys in my comments.

Unfortunately, mr. President, this goes beyond social media.

Look at this commercial airing on Ukrainian Mtv.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm typical Ukrainian teenager and have no hope for my future.

Tell me about it. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away,

mining arsenic and potash.

And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to eat.

But Russia is too popularle, we'll never get in.

You're right. If only Russia... come to us.

Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

Cause Russia can get, period.

That's ridiculous. Now, which one of those two was Zendaya?

Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television.

I mean, look at this one.

Oh, no, I am American ball-toss player Aaron Rodgers,

and my car has broken down in Ukraine.

Only one thing do. Like a good neighbor, Russia is there.

Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Jake from Russia. Can you get me out of Ukraine?

Of course. I will take to you meet our president.

He would love to see your Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while?

Like a good neighbor, you are in Russia.

There you go.

Wait, so you're telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe

that's the real Aaron Rogers?

Apparently that is the real Aaron Rodgers.

I guess he left the Packers to play in Russia.

What can we do to fight back against all this propaganda?

Well, we have to fight fire with fire.

That's why I'd like to introduce you to our new secretary of defense, Makayla.

Hi. I'm Makayla, spelled the worst way.

I'm a junior at a vicious girls high school, and y'all work for me now.

Hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Oh, they do, and it's rough. Look at what your agents made.

"I like democracy. Then don't side with me i'm Russia"?

- Oh, my God. That’s choogy. - Facts, literally facts. I know.

The only thing more pathetic was their attempt at TikTok.

What does that even mean? It almost looks like if Russia invades

it would turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Let's do something fun and simple that everyone can get by,

like a drone strike.

Okay, mr. Presindet, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine.

Like, we don't believe in drone strikes.

We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically.

That's why I'm going to DM Putin and say, oh, my God,

I loved your outfit the other day. Was that old navy?

Already he's spiraling.

He's like, "do they think i'm poor?"

In three weeks, he will have completely lost his mind.

Have you done this before?

Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

And live from New York, it's Saturday night!

Musical guest, Katy Perry.

And your host, Willem Dafoe.

Ladies and gentlemen, Willem Dafoe.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

It's great to be back home in New York. This is where I started.

I moved here when I was 21. Had no money

and rented an apartment on 10th and Avenue a for 200 bucks a month.

That's where I learned how to act. For example,

I had to act like I enjoyed having a bathtub in my kitchen.

I got started in experimental theater.

I was an original member of the Wooster Group.

And that background really taught me how to throw myself into a role.

Some people tell me that my acting is over the top, but to me,

one man's over the top is another man's engaged performance.

For instance, in this scene, people assume I'm about to toss somebody off a building.

When in reality, I was just reading a really good book.

Look, I can't help that I have an expressive face. I can't control it.

I don't think about controlling it. I'm not one of those subtle actors,

like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino.

Maybe that's why people come up to me and say,

"You know what role you'd be perfect for? The Joker."

Always nice to hear that you got the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I want to thank you all for coming out in this snowstorm.

You know, when I was a kid in Appleton, Wisconsin, winters were...

Excuse me. Did someone say Appleton, Wisconsin?

Yeah, I did.

Well, you're never going to believe this, but we're from Appleton, too.

Yep. Born and raised.

That's nice. You came here to support one of your own.

No. No. We got tickets from the lottery.

Yeah. Had no idea you were hosting, but we're huge fans.

I mean, we've seen all of your "Spider-man" movies.

"Spider-man." "Spider-man 2."

"Spider-man" the new one.

You know, I have done other films.

Oh, yeah, we know. We know. We loved you in "Full Metal Jacket."

I actually wasn't in that one. Maybe you're thinking of "Platoon."

No, no. And you were great in "The passion of the Christ."

I wasn't in that one, either. I was in "Last Temptation of Christ."

Oh, well, what about "Speed 2: Cruise Control"?

That was you in "Speed 2," right?

That was me.

Well, Appleton is just so proud of you.

I mean, you're out there making movies with big Hollywood stars

like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

We just wish you still had your Wisconsin accent.

- Well, I can still speak Wisconsin. - Oh, well, can you do it for us?

Yeah, I bet everyone back home would just flip

if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Okay, sure. Hey, you guys,

let's go down to Crambos and get a drink from the bubbler.

- Oh, you still got it! - Yeah!

Has anyone told you you should play the Joker?

We got a great show for you tonight.

Katy Perry is here. So stick around. And we'll be right back.

Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first Tenants Association meeting of 2022.

I know we usually have coffee and Dunking munchkins at this meeting

but I forgot to pick them up.

Then why am I even here? Shame on you!

Wow, she left.

Okay, we'll now hear tenant complaints and concerns, but remember we're all neighbors

in this building so let's please keep it civil.

Yes, miss d'Alessio from unit 7E.

What the hell is this?

You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month!

Well, we had to fix a leak in the roof.

Well, this just in, I don't live on the roof so I'm not paying it!

We're just going to send you another bill.

Next, miss Quincy from 2F.

Hello. I would like to formally ask the board permission's

to kill my neighbor's loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Obviously, permission is denied.

Bitch, don't need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Miss Quincy, no.

- Yes, ms. Wilton? - I am livid right now.

The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace.

I wash my 13-year-old son's socks every week.

But a day later, tada, they turn hard as a rock.

Hear that? Hear that?

I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed.

Thank you and good-bye.

Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus, wants to say something.

Hey, folks, hey. This is for all of the white tenants.

Not all of you but a lot of you.

I'm not sure how it started, but many of you believe my name is Jamarcus,

it is not. My name is Robert. I let it slide at first,

but it seems to be catching on and I want to nip it in the bud.

Thank you. Thank you, Jamarcus.

Next, Kevin and Clark from 8C.

Yes, I have a question.

- When is the building talent show? - Tuesday.

- What time does it start I have to know. - 5 to midnight.

- Is there food. - No.

- Are there drinks? - No.

- Who's performing? - Just us so far.

So sign up today.

You were off-key. You ruined it.

Wait!

- Wow, that should be fun, huh? - Yeah.

Okay, next?

For those who don't know me, I'm Chet Fillmoore.

I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $11

and it's been a pain in the ass ever since.

My question is, what the hell happened to this city?

Where's the danger, man? Where's the art?

Back in my day, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts

all over Times Square, man. It was great.

You'd go to CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it.

Where did that city go, man?

No idea. And what is your question?

I don't have one.

I just wanted to be a pain in the ass.

Okay. Well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next?

Hi. I just moved to the city. I'm new, I'm loving it.

I'm in 5F, the 300-square-foot studio with no toilet and no windows.

My question is, when is my $6,000 rent due?

On the 1st of the month, and welcome to the building.

Next, Mr. Milos.

Yes. Google translate.

I need to milk faucet so make destruction.

Mr. Milos, I'm sorry, we don't quite understand.

Yes. I start? Thank you so much.

No, no, wait, he's going take down another wall.

Okay, I see our billing super is here with an update on the rodent situation.

Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Bad.

Okay. Thank you, Tommy. And next... sorry remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang. J-a-n K-rang.

Unit 9A, "A" as in Anna de la Armas.

And I move that we ban all teens from the building.

They gather outside my apartment to huff white claws and do 69ers.

Miss Krang, we can't ban teens from the building, so please give it up.

Yes, mr. Young?

When will Verizon install the friggin' fios?

It's been ten years.

They said they're working on it, sir.

Yes? Hello, boys. Next.

- What's up? - What's good?

We're NYU students subletting 11F. I'm Jeremy. That's Conner.

What's good?

One of us might have maybe dropped a small baggy of

baking soda in the elevator.

Uh, if you come across it, please, please return to it 11F.

If it's what I think it is, it's going straight in the trash.

DouChe.

Moving on to standing complaints.

Mr. Carson, the female lovemaking screams are still coming from 5C every night.

Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Hey, man, I ask my female guests to shush it, but seems it's too good.

I had to ask. Okay, moving on... oh, no.

Mrs. Bowman is this about the building's pet policy?

No.

All right. Go ahead.

Why the limit on cats per unit must be raised

from 3 to 75. Part one...

Okay, no, no. Meeting adjourned.

Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out.

Make the cleanup a little easier for Jamarcus.

Please, guys, it's Robert!

Long day, late night, and I’m worn out

Hit the shower, kill the lights, lay my body down

On the bed, rest my head, open Spotify

Rain and thunder sounds, Then I close my eyes

Sleepin' like a baby Then right then there’s a loud ass ad

Doordash delivers delicious food right to your...

Now I’m up, up, up, up, up Didn’t pay for the app up up up

Didn’t wanna spend the cash up up up up So it plays all the ads up up up up

That’s the reason that I’m up

Snuggle up to my girl, Nice and cozy

Dreaming ‘bout her and She’s dreamin’ all about me

I roll over, touch the back of my neck And I feel a little lump

Now i’m up up up up up I’m on Web-MD up up up up

And i’m trying to get a pic up up up up But they’re coming out blurry up up up up

2 am and I’m up

Back to bed, I’ma get me some shut eye

Pull the sheet, Turn the pillow to that cold side

Then I have a full body spasm

Now I’m up up up up up up up Now I'm up

In the sheets, with the wife, And I’m dreaming

Then she kicks me with her sharp ass toenail

- And I’m up up up up up up - I’m also up up up up up

It’s 3:53 up up up up So I put on the TV up up up up

This is the only thing that’s on

And that’s what’s so great about the Samurai Air Fryer.

- You want buffalo wings? - I love wings!

- Wings! - Stop it! Amazing!

- How about a perfect omelet? - No. This cannot make eggs!

It can and it does and also you’re never gonna fall back to sleep!

- No, you won’t! - Even if you do,

- something else is gonna get you! - Tell‘em what’s gonna wake ‘em up later.

I'm so glad you asked.

A motorcycle wakes you up up up up up up You have to pee up up up up

Then you have to pee again up up up Or your cat is on your face up up up up

So many reasons that you’re up And just when you’re about to fall asleep

You wake up in a cold sweat cuz you remembered

something embarrassing you did back in high school

5 am, last chance, got the mask on No light, no sound, feeling mad calm

Ear plugs, sound machine, Getting hazy

Heads heavy and my limbs feeling lazy

Bout to slip to sleepy and then I remember That someday I’m gonna die

Now I’m up, up, up, up, up, up, up Now I’m up

Fighters, Barkers, Humpers and Shakers.

Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

- Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler. - And I’m Miriam Jeans.

Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks

who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Today is for them.

Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue

or a hoarding situation.

The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I.

And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Now Luna hates the sound 'beat'. And if she hears it,

she will try and climb up to your hair. For her, the 4th of July is a war.

And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples,

balloons, the Netflix startup sound,

her owners being in two separate rooms,

and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

And she also has what the vet calls tangy vagingy.

- A vet said that? - Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

All right, tell us about Luna.

If her favorite blanket is not fluffed correctly,

she will cry real tears until I fix it.

If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me, sitting on the couch,

she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

- That’s good. - Yes, take her around.

- No. No. Don’t clap. - Do not clap.

If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Please do not clap.

A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Pigeon is the sexual predator.

He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Maryland.

The vet called him 'not welcome here' and the groomer called him manipulative.

Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God,

I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet.

Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear,

drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized.

This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

- Thank you. - Thank you very much.

Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

That is right. And now we do this.

Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Sorry. Blueberry, come on.

Blueberry, please. Blueberry, I'm not picking you up.

Blueberry, we flew here. Blueberry, you grounded a flight.

Sorry.

Blueberry once slid on a tile floor, and it permanently made him insane.

Yes. He will only poop in the middle of the street

and he is medically unable to be in a car.

And to be clear, Blueberry can walk, he just chooses not to.

Amazing. Truly pointless.

And lastly, from the medical group, it's Gizmo.

Now, Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands, and a bad brain.

The total package.

He's allergic to anything that is or isn't duck.

Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame,

so when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours

and it dries out so it won't go back in. And it has to be lubricated

and reinserted by a veterinarian several times a week.

I hate saying that, and I say it a lot.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Well. Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner.

Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash

along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Yes. And the winner is gizmo.

Oh, no. Gizmo, don't get excited. We just put it back in. Gizmo.

- Hey, if you got it, flaunt it. - Yeah. Cut away. Good night.

- Frank Thomas? - That's me. What's your name?

- I'm Mark. I'm a huge fan. - Hey, I get that a lot.

Well, I don't want to bother you, but you look great.

At my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

I hear you. But once I turned 40...

Let me guess, less energy? Put on a few pounds?

- You said it. - Lower drive? Can't get hard anymore?

Well, lower drive.

It's not your fault. It happens to every man.

Testosterone levels drop as you age. That's why you can't get hard anymore.

I didn't say that. Holy crap, Doug Flutie?

- Yes. - Mark here just turned 40.

Ah, let me guess, can't get hard anymore, huh?

- Bingo. - No, I never said that.

It's okay. It happens to every man.

- I can still get hard. - Sure you can, Mark.

You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

No, seriously, guys. I'm actually fine down there.

You don't have to lie to us, Mark. It's okay.

- See, as you get older... - Testosterone levels drop.

Yeah, I know. He already said it.

- What are you guys talking about? - Oh, my God. Sir Willem Dafoe.

Sir Willem? I'm not even British.

- Why did I think you were British? - I don't know, man.

This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn't get hard anymore.

Stop saying that.

Let me guess, you just turned the big 3-0.

- 30? - It happens to every man, especially me.

I'm sorry, how do you guys all know each other?

From Boner Stuff. Met at a meeting.

Yeah, we all have the same problem as you.

Okay, I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

Damn right you can. Now with Nugenix.

Nugenix? What's nugenix?

Oh, so now you're interested? Look at him, he's all ears now.

No, I was just asking because...

At first he was like, no way, I can get hard all the time.

Right? And now, he's like, "Hmm, what's Nugenix?"

- “Please tell me more, sir”. - That's you.

- Alright, it was nice meeting you guys. - Honey, what's taking so long?

We're trying to help your husband get hard again.

What? Oh my God, aren't you...

Sir Willem Dafoe. The pleasure's all mine, m'lady.

Ooh, charmer. You're even more handsome in person.

- What the hell is that? - That's Nugenix.

- What? - That sound. It's me getting hard.

I'm sorry, what?

See, when a man reaches a certain age, he can never get hard again.

- Until now, with Nugenix. - Oh, and there's mine.

- Oh, my God. It's so loud. - Great, now I'm getting hard, too.

- So Nugenix is a machine? - Oh, so now he's interested.

- Are you okay? - It's fine.

It's just your perfume smells lovely, m'lady.

Babe, let's get out of here.

I love this!

Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free.

Oh, now you're interested.

Ladies and gentleman, Katy Perry.

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Ppdate." I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, the stock market is plummeting and there's a threat of land war in Europe,

so it looks like Democrats were right... Joe Biden is the next FDR.

President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine,

and he said a video call between European allies went, "very, very, very well."

Okay, the third "very" worries me.

You only say that when you're trying to cover up for something.

Like if Matt Gaetz says that girl was very, very, very over 18.

Ukrainian officials are saying the repeated warnings of invasion

are causing panic and panic is the sister of failure,

which is exactly what Lorne said to get us to do this show during a blizzard.

Also, am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was the sister of failure.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced that he will retire in June.

We thank Justice Breyer for years of upholding the rights of every American,

said liberals who have been tweeting, "Retire, bitch," for a full year.

I sympathize with Breyer because I get those very same tweets

every Saturday around this time.

President Biden promised to nominate the first black woman to the Supreme Court.

But I hope it's not because he wants to sniff a new type of hair.

This is why I get those tweets.

Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here learning Betty White had died,

warned president Biden not to outsource his choice for the Supreme Court

to the, quote, radical left.

Coincidentally, a radical left is also what McDonnell takes

to purposely run over stray dogs.

Virginia governor Glenn Youngkin has set up a hotline for parents

to report schools they believe are teaching critical race theory.

You know you're racist when you call the cops about a black character in a book.

"Yeah, hi, I'd like to report a suspicious black man rafting

with a young, white hostage."

President Biden on Friday travelled to Pittsburgh and promised

to rebuild a collapsed bridge using funds from his infrastructure bill,

while Republicans feel the bridge should just lift itself up by its bootstraps.

A new report shows that last year, the U.S. economy grew at its fastest rate

since Ronald Reagan was president.

Biden has even started using Reagan's old catch phase, "Where am I?"

Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump

failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000.

But Melania is no stranger to finding out something

isn't worth as much as she thought.

Tracking consumer data has never been more difficult,

which makes purchasing trends even harder to predict.

Here to talk about it are two trend forecasters.

- Good evening, Michael. - Good evening.

How do you guys predict today's most popular trends?

Well, we have 4,000 computers.

They're all big, they all make charts and they beep loud.

The numbers are in. And the trends of today have been cast.

- Here is... - The report.

- Our first category is... - Fashion trends.

- In, shirt too big for body. - In, hat too small for head.

- In, male cleavage. - And out...

Shiny shoe.

Shiny shoe, you're out. So go back to hell.

Stop flaunting your wealth, shiny shoe. We're fighting a virus.

If I see you in the street, I'll stab you in the face.

Go to bed, bitch.

Damn, seems like you guys hate shiny shoes.

- We have our next category. - Men trends.

- In, dry, calloused feet. - In, doing the damn dishes.

- In, sobbing. - And out...

Movie posters as decor.

Movie posers as decor, get effed.

Are you a band-aid? 'Cause I want to rip you off.

Oh, grow up, "Pulp Fiction" poster and be a damn painting.

- Movie posters as decor... - Go to bed!

Why do you guys keep sending things to bed?

Because! We aren't allowed to send them to death!

- What are you talking about? - We're talking trends.

Emergency, emergency. We have our next category.

Baby trends.

In, wearing the smallest socks they make.

In, being twins. In, being burped by a friend.

And out...

Dumping in their pants and saying nothing!

Baby, why are you doing that? That's insane.

This is a society. Eating cheerios with a dump on your ass, no.

These quiet legends need to speak up.

- Their silence is deafening. - Get in your bed that is also a jail.

I'm sorry. I... I... I don't understand.

There's no time to understand, because it's time for future trends.

- In, euphoria, the feeling. - In, A.P. U.S. Herstory.

And, uh-oh, back from hell, it's shiny shoes. Congratulations, shoe.

What about the things that are going to be out?

Well, Michael, the computer only ousted three trends.

And you know that they all have to be banished to hell for being out.

- Out is cat-eye glasses. - Fidget spinners.

- And Michael Che! - No!

- The trend forecasters, everybody. - Go to bed, bitch.

- Go to bed. - Amazing.

- Is this distracting? - No, no, it's good.

Peloton is concerned after the TV show "Billions" became the second series

in recent weeks to show a character having a heart attack

while using their exercise bike. And they are extremely worried about

how they factor into season two of "Squid Game."

Items from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg's personal library are being auctioned off.

They're selling the books and the desks, but to honor Ginsburg's legacy,

they're going to hang onto the seat for way longer than they should.

The horse that... I'll put on the glasses for this one.

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the 2003 film

has died at the age of 24, so let's pour one out for a legend.

Go to bed! I don't know.

The creator of "Full House" is selling his Beverly Hills mansion,

which was built on the site of a Manson family murder.

Wow, it is crazy to think that house has connections to a sick, twisted criminal.

I'm sure she's fine.

McDonald's has introduced a new sandwich that combines beef, fish and chicken

that they're calling the land, air and sea. Wait, is air the chicken?

Does McDonald's think chickens fly? Or do they just think this is a chicken?

A new study of female bottlenose dolphins suggests that their clitoris

can experience pleasure during sexual stimulation.

But sadly, their fins can't reach.

It was announced...

- Do you get it? - Yeah.

It was announced...

it was announced that Mountain Dew's Baja Blast is being converted into a new

alcoholic seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI.

Last week's NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever,

and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships.

Here to comment is hall of fame quarterback

and two-time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

I'm very happy you're here, Peyton. You probably have a better perspective

on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

- Yeah, I heard they were incredible. - You heard?

Yeah. Sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing,

and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

- So you didn't watch any of the games? - Well, I planned to,

but I had an hour to kill before the first game so just for fun,

I put on the first episode of "Emily in Paris" season two.

And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh, my God, Colin,

this show has everything...

Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture, a fresh take on feminism... finally.

Not to mention, a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed "Emily in Paris."

But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady may be retiring?

Yeah. I'm not sure it's true. I think it's probably just speculation.

But if it were me, I probably would retire

if it gave me more time to watch "Emily in Paris."

I really think for Tom right now, it's just a tough decision between

balancing his career and relationships, sort of like Emily.

Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown

between Emily's career and her love life.

Early on, the Os were getting completely dominated by the Xs,

and there were lots of Xs, if you know what I mean.

- I do not, know. - Gabriel, Mathieu Cadault, Timothy,

Doug from chicago, obviously.

Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabriel,

and to get ahead at work.

But as long as Camille is blocking her, she's got to go through her progressions

and check down to Alfie in the flats. Sure, it feels like a broken play,

and she's dumping it off, but emotionally, she's making forward progress.

How much time do you spend on this?

And don't get me started on the coaching, okay?

Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise

to forget about Gabriel and stay true to Alfie? Sacre bleu, man.

It's almost halftime of season two. You've got to call a time-out there.

Ooh-la-la? More like, oh, no you didn't, girl.

Oh, man, I don't know, I don't know.

But you know what's not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion.

Striped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hats, fur-trimmed cardigan,

and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car,

but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lewks.

By the way, that's looks but it's spelled l-e-w-k.

Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly I just cannot believe that you just spent

ten straight hours watching "Emily in Paris." You could have seen Josh Allen,

Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.

Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do.

That's what everyone expected me to do.

But if I've learned anything from Emily, it's to follow my passions

and always be true to myself.

The French have a saying, parlez-vous francais. Which means, "you do you, girl."

I'm pretty sure that just means "do you speak French?"

I don't speak French, Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

So you think season two was even better than season one.

- Wait. There's a season one? - Peyton Manning, everyone.

Go, Bills! They're still in it, right?

For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che. Good night.

- Belle, are you happy here with me? - I'm... getting used to it.

What's wrong?

If only I could see my father again, just for a moment.

Well, perhaps there is a way.

This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

- Anything? - Yes, Belle, anything.

I'd like to see my father, please.

Bon soir. Is anybody home?

Belle, Belle, are you here? Hello!

Oh, he's calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Of course he misses you, Belle. He would be a fool if he didn't.

Okay, so, I am just double checking.

I am definitely alone then.

Nobody here in the cottage, except little, old me.

Crazy old Maurice.

What?

Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he's alone.

Well, he's never been by himself before. He's probably frightened.

Yeah, I think we're the ones who should be frightened.

This is the best day of my life

Yep, yep, here we go. He's lighting all the candles now.

- Well, maybe he is cold. - Nope. Not a shot.

- I know exactly what's happening here. - But what's he doing now?

Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Look at me.

He just seems to be so lost without me.

Belle, this guy's not thinking about you at all, and if he is,

- we've got bigger problems. - What's he doing now?

Well, that's not something you see every day.

I'll tell you one thing... The mirror never disappoints.

Okay, maybe we should do something else.

Anybody want to sing "Be Our Guest" again? It's a really, really good song.

Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

Harder! Harder!

Oh, I like this dude. He nasty.

Okay, okay, I think we've seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Quiet, the strangest thing of all is happening.

Oh, my lady, look at how I'm carrying on since your passing.

I just wish you were holding me close and kissing my neck, stroking my hair,

stomping on my groin, spanking my ass! Biting my ass!

So many wonderful things with my ass.

Oops, I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can't believe it.

Any ways, see everyone at dinner and let's never talk about this again.

I can't believe she broke the mirror.

Don't worry, guys, I got like 30 more in my room.

Wait, I don't understand. What happened in that old man's cottage?

A tale as old as time... Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

I know, dude. But that's like Jamie's whole deal. Like, she would say that.

Hey, Mark, who is that? Sorry, this is my friend, Conner.

Con, these are the guys I was telling you about.

- What's up? - Hey.

- Con, if I get tapas, do you want in? - Yeah, the usual. What do I owe you?

Don't worry about it. You got Uber last night.

Come on, guys, seriously. We have to get to writing. So, I'm thinking something...

- Is Conner practicing violin? - Yes, just ignore me.

- He needs to practice. - Is Jost around?

- Jost? - Conner wanted to pitch him some jokes.

Something like what do you call a white bitch with dreadlocks?

- Dude. - Sorry if he's not being the most PC.

- You sound like Jacob right now. - Totally.

- Who is Jacob? - Just a nerd in Con's grade.

Do you want tapas or just me and the "C" train?

- Why are you friends with a 10-year-old? - Because we get along, man.

I was tired of only hang out with my toxic work friends.

Toxic? You're hanging out with a kid.

Oh, my God. It's not like we hook up.

- Well, dude, how are we supposed to know? - It's a weird message coming across.

- How did you guys meet? - We are on the same soccer team.

- The dragons. - The dragons?

Hanging with the whole team tonight. Got us a table at a nightclub.

- You, Connor, got a table at a nightclub? No, dumb ass, I'm 10.

- Can you imagine? - Yeah, like, hey, I'm 10,

let's go dancing and drink some Hennessey.

- Why are you laughing? - Conner is very funny.

- He is not funny. - He is.

It's just his delivery or something. He just has it.

- What are you talking about? - Jeez, John.

No need to be such a Jacob.

I don't know Jacob, but that really hurts my feelings.

It should, dude. Oh, food's here.

How does it feel being a... baby?

All right, noodles with butter. That's for me.

- And Con, the porterhouse, rare. - Arigato, my friend.

He should not be eating a rare porterhouse.

I wouldn't be giving anybody else diet advice, tubby.

- Oh, my God. - That does it.

- Whoa, man. - I'm eating your steak now, dude.

- John! - No, that's his steak!

You act like a jerk, you get your steak eaten.

- John, are you crazy? - No.

- John. - Now, we got to order more.

- John, what's wrong? - I'm choking.

- You're talking. - No, I'm choking.

Oh, he's choking.

Connor, you saved my life.

Maybe I was wrong about you.

How about tonight we do go to a nightclub?

Yeah. I'd like that.

Conner, I got your e-mail. I love that update joke.

Let's drink some Hennessey

Once again, Katy Perry.

Good news, it's "Good Morning, Columbus."

Oh, hi, Ohio.

- You are too much! - Welcome back.

- Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth. - Lots ahead in the 9:00 hour,

but first, our man about town, Scott Cott, is with a local author

who's written a new self-help book about finding happiness through self-discovery.

- Hmm, sounds interesting. - Yeah, sure does.

Scott's down at a book signing at Bergman's Books with dr. Benjamin Bloom,

author of "Blowing Yourself." Scott?

Thanks, Langdon. I am standing next to a man who

hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self-exploration.

Scott, I have to jump in. I misspoke before, dr. Bloom's book is titled

"Knowing Yourself", not "Blowing Yourself."

There were a lot of "B" words in a row on the teleprompter

and I got a little tongue-tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

It happens. Now dr. Bloom, tell us about your book.

Well, it's a feel-good book. It's about learning how to love yourself

by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discover down there.

- That's a lot to swallow. - Sorry, Scott.

- Yes? - Sorry, Scott.

Need to jump in here. We're having an issue with our graphics that's making

this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is "Knowing Yourself."

We do apologize.

Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together.

- Scott. - Thanks, Langdon.

- I see you have your wife with you. - Yes, come on over, honey.

- Hi. - This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband's book?

Yes, it was a little harder for me to get there, though.

I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Absolutely, women are generally more complex,

- a lot more nooks and crannies. - It can be an emotionally taxing process.

If you're like me, your sensitive side is going to take a licking,

but in the end, trust me, it's so worth it. So, buy his book.

- I had my nose buried in it for hours. - I'm sure you did. Thank you, Cindy.

Doctor, you're going teach me one of your breathing exercises here.

I tried yoga once and I was awful, so hopefully I don't suck here.

Hey, it's okay to suck. It's how we learn.

Okay, good.

- We've got some mats here. - Let's get down.

- Great. - You can do this in a chair at home also.

- Okay. - Okay.

- You want to center yourself like so. - Okay, centered.

Breathe deeply, really fill your mouth with lots of...

Okay, no. Cut the audio. Folks, we are so deeply sorry.

This looks very bad.

Maybe we go to sports? Sports, yeah?

Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

- No, let's let this play out. - Thank you for nothing, Nick.

Looks like they're wrapping up. Bring the audio back.

Wow, I have a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Well, don't go nuts when you're just starting out. That would be going too far.

- Okay. - But with time, I promise,

you'll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Yes! Well said.

And you've certainly made some fans out of our viewers.

@inselldaddy writes... "this dude is my hero. Teach me sensai."

#nevergonnaleavethehouse. Good stuff.

-Now you'll be down here all day, correct? -Yes, I'll be signing copies of my book.

And at noon, I'll be demonstrating my technique live.

Now, if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www...

actually, they're telling me no, you can't. I guess it sold out immediately.

Mr. Popular! Back to you guys.

Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

All right, coming up in traffic, something wander on the I-270,

and it's causing major traffic. That something, a 400-pound wild whore.

Boar! Wild boar! Let's go to commercials.

Okay, gang. These are all the files for the Innotech case.

We're looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds

into improper overseas accounts.

This files go back six years. This is going to take all night.

I mean, if we're lucky.

Guys, I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.

But, I did ask the new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Done and done, boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Seems like plenty, Jeremiah.

And I think it's great that you are reentering the workforce at your age.

Thank you, ma'am. Retirement wasn't for me so I thought, what the heck. I don't know.

I'm excited.

Come on, everybody, grab a box and dig in. The clock is ticking.

- We may as well get started. - Great.

Okay. Okay.

Wait. Hey.

Yeah.

I like it.

Zapp-it-zap-zow.

- I like that. - Zapp-it-zap-zow.

Oh, yeah.

- Zapp-it-zap-zow. - Oh yeah.

- Zapp-it-zap-zow. - Pap it pow.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight

In the jungle, the quiet jungle The lion sleeps tonight

- Jeremiah. Why would do you that? - I wanted to join in.

I thought it would bust through the window, make a cool sound.

We're 15 stories up, man, you could have killed someone!

What were you going to do through another chair every eight bars?

If it sounded cool, I would have.

Hey, who threw a chair out this building?

I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

We were signing an impromptu song sir. Made it up on the spot.

Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Please, sir, I know this is bad, but it is his first day. Remember my first day?

I was so nervous I kept calling you daddy.

You gave me a second chance.

He's got a point, sir. What do you say?

I'm going regret this, but I'll see you all here tomorrow.

- All right, let's see it. - Okay, Jeremiah, you can do this. Ready?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Tracy!

No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

- Jeremiah, no! - Put the chair down.

The worst temp ever!

Thanks to Katy Perry, Alesso, Peyton Manning,

Lorne Michaels and everyone here at SNL.