Original subtitles

Good evening.

Good evening, I'm Laura Ingraham, and as soon as I marry your dad,

I'm sending you straight to boarding school.

Well, we're finally done with year one of Biden's presidency.

Can we all admit it's a disaster?

Inflation's out of control. Gas is at $19 a gallon.

And the green M&M has been canceled just for being a whore.

Things are so bad in Biden's America,

even according to former Wendy's spokes girl, Jen Psaki.

Take a look at what she said a press conference this week.

Build back better has not passed.

Voting rights is apparently not going to pass.

And vaccine requirements are apparently illegal.

What happened?

We are not good people.

The American public should vote us out.

First true things she's ever said.

Plus, the nation is still mourning from the loss of America's dad, Robert Durst.

The country's on its last legs, folks.

Liberals want to take away everything that makes you American.

For example, guns, hamburgers, Morgan Wallen.

I don't care if he uses a slur, I just want to dance.

Your backup guns, commercial where the whole family is the same thing.

Using the word mayonnaise. It's aioli all of a sudden, no thanks, Lin-Manuel.

And finally, missionary.

My first guest tonight is here to talk about how he's

pushing back against Biden's tyranny.

You know him. You know him. Ted Cruz.

Hello, hello. Hello, Laura. Thanks for having me.

- Beard still going strong, huh, Ted? - Oh, yeah.

My beard is like January 6th.

Shocking at first, but sadly it's been normalized.

Speaking of January 6th, you recently had to apologize

for calling the capitol rioters terrorists.

I agree with you 100%.

I never should have called them terrorists.

The truth is, they are big, burly men with big "d" energy.

In fact, I actually like them a lot. They are my cool friends.

And Donald, if you're watching, I love you, baby.

You are the king. Honestly, hit me.

Did you just ask Trump to hit you?

Oh, I don't know.

Hit me, choke me, spit in my face. I just want to stay in the mix.

Thanks for being here, Ted.

Oh, and one more thing.

I like to remind all my fellow Texans watching at home that

February's going to be a cold one, so you might want to book

your vacay to Cancun now. Live mas, everybody!

That's great advice, Ted.

And I'd like to take a moment to thank my few remaining loyal sponsors.

COVID negs,

the COVID test that's guaranteed to be negative even if you have it.

COVID negs, I'm going to your wedding.

And False Alarm medical alert.

If your grandkids think it's the end, they'll call.

And white pizza. For when Italian is too ethnic.

Our next guest is the latest victim of the vaccine police with a name I somehow have

an easier time learning to pronounce than Kamala Harris.

Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Yes. Oh, yes. Thank you.

Call me by my nickname, the Joker.

Although right now I'm the least popular Joker, except for Jared Leto.

I found him relatable.

So Novak, you were deported from Australia for refusing to be vaccinated,

and I never thought I would hear myself use the word "deported" in a bad way.

What happened?

I went to Australia, and my visa was denied.

But then I appealed to the judge, and this was his ruling.

Out.

I must say, I am a fan of your sport, because in tennis, love is bad.

Now, why don't you tell your side of the story while I

stare into the camera like it's a raw piece of steak.

Oh, thank you, Laura.

You see, people love to tear you off your pedestal just because,

you're really rich or you're the best at tennis, or you go to a charity event

with 200 kids even though you're dripping with COVID.

But in my heart I know that one day people will look back on this moment in history

and think, "Yeah, who cares?"

Thank you, Novak. See you at Wimbledon.

- Probably not. - Yeah.

My next guest is here to address a voting rights bill

which would make it easier for minorities to vote

and harder for white people in Florida to vote twice.

Please welcome my one black friend, Candace Owens.

Martin Luther King would have voted for Trump.

Hello to you too.

Laura, liberals are trying to make everything about race.

To quote the only words that Martin Luther King ever said, I have a dream.

That's it, end of quote.

Nothing about money or jobs or schools.

Unless you count his tombstone which says, great job, gang, racism over.

I hope people at home are writing this down.

Thanks, Laura.

It's my greatest honor to continue the fight for African Americans,

no matter how many times they ask me to stop.

Thank you, Candace.

I'd like to thank a few more of my loyal sponsors.

Bible belt. Hold your pants up the way God intended with Bible belts.

Flower poison.

Ever see a big garden full of flowers and think, "I wish they were dead?"

Flower poison.

And Paula Deen's chickpea mash.

It's not radical Islamist hummus, it's American chickpea mash.

Talk of the 2024 republican primaries is already heating up,

so let's talk to the svelte, muscular, 230 pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Hello, Laura. Hello, Laura.

It's wonderful to be here. I'm back like "Tiger King 2."

You had fun the first time, and now you're like,

"How are more people from this not in jail yet?"

Mr. President, you're out on the trail again, creating controversy with

your typical wacko stuff and your uncharacteristically reasonable takes on

booster shots. Would you like to give our viewers a taste?

I sure would. Let's get today's wordle. Can we do that, please?

I got the booster, okay. Because I made the booster, I made the beautiful vaccine.

It's an incredible vaccine.

But it's very unfair what is happening with the COVID treatment, okay.

White people are being told to get in the back of line. They're being told this.

Speaking of white people, John Mayer.

Okay, John Mayer hasn't had a hit in so long, but we love Mayer so much.

Body Wonderland. Come on, it was tremendous music.

I thought it was tremendous music. With "Body Wonderland."

You know, I'd rather be the mayor of anything than be governor Ron Desantis.

I beat him so bad. Just like I beat Hillary.

Because the only Hillary we like is Duff, from "How I Met Your Father."

You know what, "How I Met Your Father," it really doesn't have the charm and sparkle

of, frankly, mother.

But we love Duff. You know, she got her teeth fixed. Now they look like almonds.

And "Lizzie McGuire," you know, they wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with hulu,

but Disney said no sex, they didn't want the sex.

So they went their separate ways just like Lisa and Jason Momoa.

And, let me tell you, Momoa is such a big boy. He's so big

he looks like a sexy devil. And "The Devil Wears Prada."

And Prada is right next to Tiffany and Tiffany is my daughter

and "Daughters" is by John Mayer.

And I'm gonna run through the holes of your high school in 2024

when you re-elect Trump. Wordle!

There it is, we got it.

And live from New York, it's Saturday night!

Musical guest Maneskin.

And your host, Will Forte.

Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man.

I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting "SNL".

I... I was in the cast 12 years ago with Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader,

Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen.

So it was really fun to see Kristen host.

Yep. And Bill. And then Andy.

Then Fred. Then Kristen again.

Then Bill again. Then Jason.

Seth Meyers. I mean, he's one of my best buds. But, you know, come on.

He wasn't really a sketch guy, he was just on "Weekend Update."

Does that even count as being on the show?

But he hosted. Right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast.

And then he hosted four times. Four times.

But hey, that's okay. I'm not bitter about it. I'm not.

Saved the best for last, right?

Saved the best for way last.

But, look, after 12 long years, tonight it's finally my turn.

My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

Are you serious?

Kristen. Hey. Yeah.

Will, I am so excited that you're hosting.

Not a good time. Not a good time.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Well, it's good to see you. Bye-bye!

- So... so I should go? - Yeah, I think so.

I flew in for this.

Oh, great, so you know where the airport is.

All right. Well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

I don't love that she got more applause than when I came out.

You know, I came out once when she was hosting,

and I did something in her monologue.

But I was polite enough to get less applause than her.

But look, my point is, maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host.

Maybe it wanted me to wait until "MacGruber," the series,

was streaming on Peacock. Yeah.

Now, speaking of "MacGruber," I would like to officially announce

that "Macgruber" has been picked up for a season two.

I would like to announce that. But it hasn't been picked up yet, so I can't.

You know, we're waiting to hear.

But I can announce that you're in great hands tonight. You know?

Strong, veiny comedy hands. And, look, if I could just take a serious moment.

I'd like to say how much this show has meant to me.

I started my career here, and they always supported me.

Wait a second. Are they playing me off?

Are you playing me off in my own monologue?

I waited 12 freaking years for this.

Have you seen some of the idiots they had host the show since then.

Kristen, Bill, Andy, Fred.

All right, fine. I'll take one question. You, sir.

I'm so sorry, Will. There's been a mistake.

- Hey! - Wait.

Willem Dafoe? You're hosting next week.

I'm pretty sure it's this week.

You think I'd book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Oh my God, this is not happening.

You texted me to come host, Lorne.

I texted Willem, and you know, auto correct.

All right, fine. Then let's have the fans decide once and for all.

Oh, my God? 5%? I guess people do love me.

Alright, we have a great show. I'm here, Maneskin's here.

So stick around, and we'll be right back.

MacGruber, making life saving inventions out of household materials

MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra sticky situations

MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius MacGruber!

Dammit! The store is pressure sealed. We’re not going anywhere.

MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle this C4 for explosive,

this whole building is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!

Okay, don’t worry gang. We can do this if we work together as a team.

And look, I know this whole COVID situation has really changed the game,

so we got to be smart about this, okay?

We're in a small room with very limited airflow.

- Good call. - Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.

-Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can. - You got it, MacGruber.

- Piper, that lighter fluid. - Coming at you, Grubs.

- Now both of you, hand me your masks. - What? Why?

No time to explain, masks now!

- Macgruber, what are you doing? - Freeing us from tyranny, Vick.

- You're welcome. - Welcome for what?

I really wanted to wear that mask.

Yeah, you just said yourself that we're in a small enclosed room.

Yes, so we need every drop of oxygen we can get,

which is impossible with these stupid face diapers.

I can finally breathe.

I've got to say I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

Don't worry, Vick. I'm vaxed and relaxed. Here's proof.

I think there's a "P" missing at the beginning of Pfizer.

- You got vaccinated at a sizzler? - I sure did Piper.

And ,Vicki if there was a P in front of Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer.

- But nice try. - Just admit you’re not vaccinated.

Okay, fine, you freaking Karens.

I'm not getting that stupid shot, all right, 'cause I don't want the government

putting a tracking device in my scrotum.

MacGruber, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Yeah, I don't need to know what I'm talking about because I have a brain.

Because you two sheeple are so freaked out, let me assure you,

I'm totally anti-semitic.

- I'm not sure we heard you right. - I don't have any symptoms.

I think the word you're looking for is asymptomatic.

- Yes, that's what I said. - No, it's not.

- No, I definitely said I'm anti-semitic. - Yeah, you did.

- So what's the issue here? - Macgruber, 10 seconds!

Look, we may not all agree on this hoax vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on

- is that I do know how to defuse bombs. - 1 second, MacGruber!

Okay, Piper, hand me...

Blomps, splats, flizzes and crunchers.

You’re watching the coolest gameshow for kids. It’s Kid Klash.

Hello. I am Mark Zazz and this is Kid Klash.

The game show where kids compete in physical challenges.

Now, if you saw last week’s episode, Susie is okay. She’s back home and she’s okay.

And we have a brand new Kid Klash contestant ready to go, meet Tatum.

Hey, everyone.

I'm the shortest and the slowest one on my basketball team,

but here I'm going to win, I'm Tatum.

Great, 'tude, Tatum. And today's prize is pizza for life.

That's right, you get to keep this one pizza for your entire life.

I really want that.

Well, let's take a look at the course.

First, you're taking a dive into the whipped cream pie to find the flag.

Then move on to the slippery monkey bars.

But watch out for the pit of hot nacho cheese below.

- I hope it's not too hot. - Oh, it is. It's really hot.

Okay.

Finally, you and your family climb into this giant glass

to become a human shrimp cocktail.

You can do this, honey! We're ready to be shrimp with you!

Now, remember, you can't move on till you find that flag.

Ready, set, go!

Tatum, there we go!

Tatum is deep in the cream and looking for that flag.

Here's a "Kid Klash" fact about her.

Yeah. Tatum favorite things are spaghetti and beach balls.

All right. Tatum, have you found that flag yet?

No, so far just feeling the cream.

Well, keep looking. And here's a hint, it's in there.

- Do you not know what a flag is? - No, I do.

- Then try to find it. - I am.

All right. Another "Kid Klash" fact.

Tatum was disqualified from the chili cook-off at her school for lying.

All right. How are you doing, Tatum?

The cream's really thick, I'm working pretty hard here.

Well, doesn't show.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I think I found something.

- It's some kind of gold medallion. - Amazing.

But one question for you, Tatum. Is a medallion the same as a frigging flag?

No, but. Doesn't it seem like maybe it's worth more than a flag?

Well, you're wrong, Tatum. It's probably left over from last week's show.

- What? You don't change the cream? - I don't know, Tatum.

But your time is up in 3, 2, 1.

- Good try, sis! - That's okay, honey.

Dammit, tatum!

Well, I'm sorry, everyone, I couldn't do it. I couldn't find the flag.

And where do you think you're going?

I guess to get cleaned up and go back to Indiana.

You're not going anywhere. Not until you find that flag.

But... but the time ended.

Look, I didn't start this game show to encourage children to quit like babies.

Now, I was very clear. You get out of the pie when you find the flag.

- Mom? - We agree with him, Tatum.

She never sees anything through, Mr. Zass.

Okay. I'll keep trying.

Now, Tatum, as I'm sure you know, you and your shrimp family are now

ineligible for the pizza for life prize.

Shoot, this music is making me feel really bad.

And I'm just now remembering the pie was supposed to spin.

- Can we get that going? - Wait. Does this part have to go on TV?

Tatum, you know that it does.

How do you think it's going to be in the real world?

- I guess like this? - Yeah. That's right.

The whipped cream is adversity. And the flag is your unfulfilled potential.

Okay, well, I think I just got my period.

Yeah, you're not the first to do that in there.

Wait, oh my God, is this it?

She found the flag!

It's so small! And it's white like the cream.

- This is a really bad game. - No. It's good!

When we return, we're going to put the adopted brother on the monkey bars!

- I'm adopted? - Yes, you are.

With be right back for more Kid Klash!

MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and he’s got a new album

MacGruber, he realized there was more than just one side of this issue

MacGruber, he’s following the science now MacGruber

Shoot! This vault door's welded shut. There's no way out.

And from the looks of that dynamite bomb we've only got 60 seconds

before this whole place is blown to Betsy.

Not a problem, gang. We got this. Don't worry. After the last

mission I've heard your concerns and now I'm following all the protocols.

Well MacGruber, there's a big hole in your mask.

Uh yeah, so I don't suffocate from all the carbon dioxide, duh.

Look, there's no reason to be scared. I'm going to be fine.

I've done a ton of research and I'm following the science now.

- That's good. - Okay. Vicky, pass me that ivermectin.

Okay, here.

- Piper, that hydroxychloroquine. - Here.

- MacGruber, you have COVID? - Hell no.

- Oh, thank God. - I have COVID plus.

It's a COVID strain mixed with... something else.

- Syphilis? - You got it. Good on you.

Do yeah, COVID, syphilis.

And I do have an unconnected freestanding herpes in there as well.

I also have horse worms so this ivermectin is pulling double duty.

- You have horse worms? - Oh, yeah, a bunch of them.

Check this out.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, that's disgusting.

Relax, it's just spaghetti.

Had them down here in my jockeys, just waiting for the right moment

to spring this little joke on you. Punk'd!

A little al dente.

- You don't have horse worms? - No, I do have horse worms.

Oh, look, they're chomping on the spaghetti.

Leave that alone, you little turkeys. That's my food.

I'm not gonna eat this now.

Macgruber, the bomb!

Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper with dr. Anthony Fauci's face on it.

Here.

Vicky, hand me that "Let's go, Brandon" t-shirt.

Here you go, MacGruber.

So funny, huh? It actually means something else.

- Yeah, we know. - Do you know what it is?

You've gone down some at-right misinformation rabbit hole.

You're alt wrong about that, Karen. My information is 100% non-insane.

Ever heard of Qanon?

Macgruber

You're watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

Good evening and welcome to "Cinema Classics."

I am Reese de'What!

If you've heard the phrase, "gaslighting," you probably know it means to manipulate

someone into believing a false reality.

But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from

the 1944 film, "Gaslight," starring Ingrid Bergman

as a woman whose husband makes her believe she's going insane

by slowly dimming the gas-fueled lights around her and then denying it.

Why does he do this? I do not know. And I'm bad at guessing.

Like when my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner

and I said, I don't know, a mess?

Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers!

Let's watch a scene from "Gaslight" now where Charles Boyer

as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she's insane.

I have tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret,

but now I'm afraid all of London knows it.

Gregory, no. I'm not insane. Look,

every night the gaslights, they grow dimmer.

- No, they don't. - They don't?

But look. It's just a tiny flame.

My cuckoo darling, in the week and a half you've known me, have I ever lied to you?

I guess not. But humor me.

Turn the gaslights up as high as they'll go, please, for me.

All right. All the way up.

There you go.

And that was up?

Because that's to me, that seemed like not up.

And I hope you're happy, our gas bill is going to be insane, just like your brain.

- And I'm afraid its membrane as well. - Oh, no.

I don't know up from down.

The next thing you're going to tell me is that this isn't a book.

No, Paula. That's a rat!

It is? I've been reading rats all these years?

Oh, no. Am I really that mad?

I set a goal for myself of reading a rat a month.

Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy that I gave you.

Okay.

Yikes.

You know, in my house, gaslighting is when I strike a match

after my wife blasts one out under the blankets.

Let's watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion

with the help of a surly maid played by 18-year-old Angela Lansbury.

Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman

who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula, please stop! Just try to enjoy your steak.

That's right, ma'am. Eat your little steak.

Dude, I don't care how crazy i am. This is a pineapple.

No, ma'am. It's the rib eye, just like the one he's eating.

Dig in.

Okay. I feel like, maybe, you're trying to drive me mad.

No one is trying to drive you mad.

What do you want me to do? Swear on this Bible?

Okay. So now, okay, so this says "How to gaslight your wife" by Gregory.

Paula, stop. I love you!

I don't feel love. You don't even kiss me anymore.

Then kiss you, I shall.

Okay. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you just kissed her, the 18-year-old.

No, I kissed you! Watch, I'll do it again.

No. No. I won't let you gaslight me yet any longer.

In fact, maybe I'll gaslight you. That's not a tie you're wearing. That's a snake.

- It's a tie. Grow up. - Dammit. I guess I'm bad at it.

Well, at least I know the truth now.

I can't believe you told me it was 9 inches and I said, "Oh, lucky me."

It is.

So now we know what gaslighting is. It's kind of, like, when my wife...

What? She's on the phone? Right now?

Oh, that's not good.

For "Cinema Classics," I have been Reese de'What!

A deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot.

Korbel champagne.

- You spoil me, Tate. - Anything for my birthday girl.

And I do mean anything.

- And the comments return. - I'm sorry.

My wife asked for a threesome with a random guy online for her birthday.

I think I have the right to make a comment or two.

Honey. Gannon's not a random guy online. He's an experienced third.

- And I thought you were okay with this. - I am. I am.

I want you to be happy. I guess I'm just nervous.

Don't be.

He's here. Okay? Now, stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

Hey. I'm Gannon. I'm here to have sex with you.

Yes, hi. I'm Tracy. And this is my husband Tate.

- Hey there, Taint. - My name is Tate, not Taint.

Good, I was going to say that's a bad name.

So look, I know it's your first time doing this. But there's nothing to worry about.

My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice, fulfilling experience.

But safety first, okay? Let's see if this bed can handle my motion.

Yeah, yeah. It's not bad. Not bad. Yeah, this could work.

All right. Let me get my cialis here. Three pills ought to do it.

Three?

By the way, I find a threesome with a maried couple works best.

It's when the wife and I go about the night as if it's just us.

And it's on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.

That's smart. So it's not chaos.

- Feeling better now? - No. I'm not.

What does that mean, exactly?

Well, it means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going,

don't crowbar yourself in. You know?

Remember, it's a three-way, not a me-way.

Wow, yeah, that is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?

I did. Yeah. Now heads-up, Taint.

The more heated I get the harder it will be for you to get in there.

This dog gets greedy with his treats.

You called me Taint again. It's Tate.

And just so I'm clear, the game plan for tonight is you're going to make love

to my wife all night and fight me off the whole time?

What?nNo. Okay. Let me show you what I'm talking about, okay?

Okay, let's see. Let's say that me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here.

Doing our thing. This pillow is your wife, okay?

I understand. I understand. Jeez!

- All rightment try to join in. - Try to join in?

- All right. - Get out of here!

Dude! You're going to hit me with my own wife?

Yeah, if I have to, yeah. Okay.

Look bud, you want to save the Shire, you got to get through Mordor first.

Yes, that's what I'd like to see tonight, my man fighting for me.

God, I'm so happy right now.

Now, I mentioned in my e-mail I'm a sweater.

Yes. We have everything you asked for.

11 full size bath towels, 25 lemon-lime Powerades

- and a tarp to put over the bed. - Yes. The tarp is optional.

But, again, you will not believe how much I sweat.

Okay. Speaking of, Taint, during some of your down time,

I might call for a towel. Go ahead and call for a freshy,

and get my back a pat-down. Then, get the hell outta there.

- Excellent, so I'm a towel-boy now. - Towel-man. Don't sell yourself short.

Last thing, Taint. Just throw this mask on.

What is this?

I don't like seeing a dude's face when I'm doing my thing.

Now it's like you're not even here.

I love that.

- So should we start? - Hell yeah.

Okay, I'm just going to pop into the bathroom

and work through a minor cialis heart attack real quick.

So maybe my wife and I will get started while you're gone?

Don't you dare!

Ladies and gentlemen, Maneskin!

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

President Biden marked the end of his first year in office

with a two-hour press conference.

Because that's how long it took to list everything that's gone wrong.

It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history.

But as I have been told many times before,

just because you went for a long time doesn't mean you did a good job.

Senate republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema's hand

after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights.

Ah, the U.S. Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshake since 1787.

Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports

replacing fellow democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.

Damn, Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back is just unforgivable.

I mean, I would never suggest Colin get fired

no matter how amazing I think Bowen would be.

Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee

that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack,

he would have made the situation worse. And I think that's a sound argument.

No one has ever been like, "You know who would be perfect to

de-escalate this situation? Donald Trump."

If he was trying to talk someone off a ledge he'd be like, 'Don't jump.

Even though your wife left you like a dog.

And this would be the perfect way to get back at her.'

On the first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin,

signed an executive order banning the teaching the critical race theory,

which really isn't that surprising coming from a guy who

dresses like Leo in "Django Unchained."

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause

infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

This week, Britain's most eligible bachelor, Prince Andrew,

officially deleted his Twitter account,

after he realized that's not the app with all the dancing teenagers.

This week NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondents

to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to comment is

Chinese Trade Minister and Games Organizer, Chen Biao!

I've never been with a train, daddy. Ey! What's up, Che Diaz.

I told you, I don't get that reference.

How is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics!

Sliding down snow, sliding down ice.

Gravity's got a point and she is the moment.

So, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondents?

Oh, we're fine. Are you guys okay?

NBC is announcing the games from your studios in Connecticut.

You know what else films in Connecticut? "Maury."

Good luck commentating over cries of "You are not the father!"

And how will you describe the atmosphere in the stadium?

Like "Uh, the vibe is 2:00 a.m. in Stamford."

I mean, have fun walking home from metro north at that hour, Grayson.

- Who is Grayson? - Probably some coked-out finance guy

trying to find his escort in a Wendy's parking lot.

Anyway. Journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

It's just for COVID safety. And the protocols are not even that restrictive.

It's plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swabs.

- Anal swabs? - It's accurate. And it's fun.

Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Burner phones? What is this, "The Wire"?

Must be season two because you're white and no one cares.

Well the bigger story is that several countries, including the US,

are planning diplomatic boycotts over China's human rights violations.

Human rights? We don't have that.

What, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights?

The official games mascot Bing Dwen Dwen?

As you can see, he's a panda going to a race.

I don't know, I designed him while I was on ketamine.

He's gonna try and hook up with Shaun White!

Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremonies?

Okay, well, press release... I'm performing in it!

Yeah, the vibe is going to be like Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai film

meets Dave Chappelle Stand-up Special.

How is it going to be like a Dave Chappelle Special?

There's going to be a lot of people protesting afterwards.

Look, it feels like you're really making light of some serious issues.

Okay, fine, you want me to get real? Look, we're hosting the Winter Olympics

because no one else stepped up. It's our party and we'll spy if we want to.

The IOC chose China. You all knew what you were getting into.

So now we're in bed and you have post-nut clarity?

Whatever. Flop. If you need me, I'll be skiing the slopes

in my Gaga "House of Gucci" ski goggles!

Father, Son, House of Daddy.

- Chen Biao, everybody! - Send Johnyy Wear and Tara Lipinski!

M&M's announced that they've redesigned their iconic M&M characters

after people requested that the brown M&M not look like a

teacher who has sex with her students.

In a new documentary, an ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein

and Ghislaine Maxwell as Batman and Robin.

Come on. What does Batman and Robin have in common

with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

Gen-Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse

is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it.

I don't know. Careful, Kyle. Trying to get your own memorabilia back

is how they got O.J.

In a new interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2,

adding, "I also kind of hate Ireland."

Actor Jon Voigt released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln's spirit

was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

A longtime director of "Wheel of Fortune" has died at the age of 92.

Said "Wheel of Fortune" viewers, "Wow, so young."

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series

will be called “Rings of Power”,

though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

Well, shiver me timbers.

It's cold here at 30 Rock.

Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our Sarah Sherman.

- Hi, Colin. - Hi, Sarah.

- So you're here to talk about the winter? - That's right, winter rocks.

All the bugs are dead. It's amazing.

All right, so you don't mind the cold at all?

Colin, I'm cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

You don't have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Oh, I'm sorry, does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

- A little. - Okay. I'm so sorry.

This just in!

Local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes a female co-worker

had hairless genitals like a blowup doll. Back to you, Colin.

That's not... I don't care about your body hair.

Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body,

I'm basically your son's age.

- You're six months old? - Oh, you wish, sicko.

You'd kill to change my diaper, wouldn't you?

- Sarah, that's disgusting. - Well, you think that's disgusting?

You know what's disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.

Can you believe... Yeah. Can you believe...

Can you believe I have to pay $200 a month?

You pay $200 for rent? Where do you live?

Breaking news!

Camden homeowner Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian

for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

You live in my doghouse? Sarah, what do you want from me?

$6,000. I'm not giving you six grand.

Your funeral. In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband,

Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL's underpaid rookie

even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

- You didn't say that. - And another thing!

Can we talk about you and Che?

It's always, will they, won't they with you two.

All right? Why don't you just get it over with and make out already?

No. I'm not... I'm not...

- I'm not... I'm not kissing Che. - Wrong answer! This just in!

Local sex bigot, Colin Jost, violently rejects

radical act of queer interracial love.

You're so small-minded, Colin.

All right, fine, you want to kiss? Let's do it. Okay?

- Hey. - Breaking news!

Queer baiting "Update" anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

- Sarah Sherman, everyone. - I want you guys to kiss.

Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store

tested positive for COVID, they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets.

Okay, but they didn't have to do it in front of the class.

A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants.

Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this.

Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car.

They believe it's the first step to eventually training women.

Dwayne Johnson said that the skull of a T-Rex seen behind him

during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing.

Johnson also said it's just a coincidence that his diet calls for

1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

The oldest living person in the United STates died this week at the age of 115.

It's a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips

is a guy who just bought a boat.

Are you ready for some these balls!

It's good to beach here.

I really hated that opening.

Hey, Colin. Haven't you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose.

-Great idea by the way. -I have no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah. It's true, my bro-bro from a no-ho here

told me the same thing so many women have, "Let's just get this over with."

No. That didn't... that did not happen, no.

It did. Anyway, it's football sleaze-on. If you want to nail your date

you're going to have to tail some gate, mkay?

If you want a touch down there, here are some just the tips

to turn her tight end into a wide receiver.

Make your starting... Oh! Make... Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys.

Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis,

give her some Yeunglings to get her tingling and pretty soon

you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis.

- What got there? - What was that?

- I have a small penis. - Yeah.

What, are you new here? Wait, there's something...

different around here. I'm getting some sort of message,

like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep.

My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat.

No, I don't think... I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy

are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy.

That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it,

which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer.

Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

- Actually, there is a third partner. - Oh, I'm glistening.

We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person

and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin.

You always were. You look like you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

That's true.

We are having trouble finding a place to dock the boat, though.

Fellas, that happens to me all the time. Just start poking around downtown.

It will eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy.

Well, actually, our boat is 300 feet long.

Look, it's the width that counts. Mine's like a tuna can.

Also, we just keep... We’re gonna keep...

No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat docked.

You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

You’re my best friend Colin Jost.

Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight.

That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean.

When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored.

There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

So, it’s like with your penis? No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost. - I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker Jeyner Keeblerely.

And I’m here to give you the best news since last

bread was recognized for insignificance.

Two of the greatest songsmith in the history of time are back and at it again.

That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T. Bacharach

who proved there is a Yahweh with songs like this.

Took my toddler at the school And threw him in the pool

And that’s how we learn to swim

And then a spaceship flew down And loaned us a towel

And we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude I gave the aliens a beer jar and food

And a Model T card they belong to my step brother’s life coach

And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot scoot, Jackie Snad.

Took my model-T car to the nearest salad bar

’Cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale

But the salad bar was closed because the space ship exploded

So I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

For years now, these two funky junkie joker monkeys thrilled global audiences

with songs about the four things they know best.

Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars and jars of beer.

And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two national treasures

have decided to once again join forces.

I'm sorry. Foin jorces.

No, I'm sorry. I was right the first time.

They decided to join forces and release a brand spanking new album,

'Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing songs about

spaceships, toddlers, Model-T cars and jars a beer again',

with ear caviar like this.

Oh, toddler did you hear when I whispered in your ear

About the spaceship that was parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar

But without any gas they couldn’t get too far

So they hitchhiked down the road with a turkey and a toad

And a face full of hope and regret

But then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys

And now the turkey is dead and the toad’s on life support

Oh man. It gives you the shivers, doesn’t it?

And an important message sung importantly. You want less? Sorry.

Because while there’s more than one way to skin a cat,

there’s only one way to put that skin back on.

With beautiful music like this little slow jelly.

The eyes of God are crying

’cause the toddlers have been lying

Oh yes, those little sons of guns have stolen from nuns

Who trusted them to guard their model-T cars

And now they’ll meet the wrath of God and burn and toddler hell

Unless they call their friends, the aliens to send a ship down

But God will find them there, he’s everywhere, he’s well connected

And then he’ll zapp them with a lightning bolt

And burn them to a crisp and drink a jar of beer

To celebrate their deaths, it’s a cautionary tale

For little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns,

For they will find themselves... in...

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the feels. Minus a few feels.

Plus more feels than a few feels that were subtracted.

And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already, check out this reworking of

one of their timeless classics which was recently submitted by NASA

and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official song of the National Football League.

Oh, football for your feet and balls combine to make your name

And your field is soaked in urine from incontinent spaceships

And one day, a toddler will distract you as you hike your little leather ball

And a model-T car will catch a hail Mary from a beer jar

and win the Super Bowl Oh, football sport,

Oh, football sport Oh, football sport

Oh, football sport Here is your official new football song

That's right! That’s right.

So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to Clancy T. Bacharach

and Jackie Snad album offer, care of Jeyner Keeblerely,

36 Donkey Donut Court, Pickletits, Delaware, 938273.

Once again, Maneskin!

MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an internet rabbit hole

MacGruber, he lost some friends and family and they staged an intervention

MacGruber, he’s got his act together now MacGruber

Looks like we're trapped, MacGruber.

And a hydrogen bomb is set to blow in 30 seconds!

So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these Hollywood celebrities are eating babies.

They devour them. They’re insatiable. Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti.

Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they have a variety of recipes.

That’s what’s happening out there and nobody is doing anything about it.

Can we concentrate on the bomb?

Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?

- I knew it. - God, you're so brainwashed.

- I'm sorry, in what way? - Just look at how you're dressed.

Oh, forgive me for not shopping at Cheaps-R-Us like you.

I’m just your average American who believes in limited government.

My body, my choice, for men,

and suppress voting rights for alternatively skin people.

Now, I’m not sure how that makes me brainwashed.

- MacGruber, focus. Please. - You're right, okay.

Vicky, hand me all the remains of America's soul.

- What? There's nothing there. - Welcome to the real world.

- Look, I'm just a shaman. - 15 seconds.

All I can do is pray for you, take up arms against you,

and keep the oath I took to protect this country.

Because I am an oath keeper and, boy, am I proud of that.

Which I guess makes me a proud boy.

Do you even understand what you're saying right now?

- Probably not. - Macgruber, if we don't deal

with this bomb, we are going to explode.

- 5 seconds. - According to CNN.

- 4 seconds. - Cancel culture.

- 3 seconds. - Not my clock.

- 2 seconds. - Hollywood elite.

1 second.

Though I do kind of like some streamers on Peacock.

MacGruber

Thanks to Maneskin, thanks to Willem Dafoe,

the amazing Kristen Wiig, Lorne Michaels.

This amazing cast back here. And this crew, they have been like a family to me.

And my own family up there, too. Love you all.

Thank you for this experience.