Original subtitles

And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Good evening. Yeah.

Thank you. Thanks. Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans.

As I keep saying every chance I get, we're in the middle of a cold, dark winter.

This winter is so dark, Republicans don't think it should vote.

I know this virus has disrupted our lives.

It's canceled holidays, weddings, quinceañeras, gender-reveal parties,

wildfires that started as gender-reveal parties,

whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic.

I know you're tired of getting emails from your kids' school late at night saying,

"Okay, come in tomorrow. We're feeling lucky."

I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, "That's it. I'm dead."

America, I'm here to tell you there is one simple thing

you can do to make this whole virus go away.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Just stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Okay, think about it.

When did "Spider-Man" come out? December 17th.

When did every single person get omicron?

The week after December 17th.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man." That's really all I have to say.

I yield the remainder of my time for questions.

- Yes? - Yeah, I'm sorry, did you really

just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing "Spider-Man"?

I did, yes. Next question?

So you think all COVID will end if people stop going to the movies?

I didn't say don't go to the movies.

I said stop seeing "Spider-Man." See anything else.

I saw the first half-hour of "House of Gucci."

That's more than enough movie for anyone.

Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Yes. Everyone in America has seen "Spider-Man" like eight times.

Everyone in America also has COVID.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

- Have you seen "Spider-Man?" - I couldn't get tickets.

And I'm on the Stubs A-List.

Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row.

What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see "Encanto" alone?

While I sit two inches from the screen like this?

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Alright, what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Oh, they tested "Spider-Man."

It's got 98% on au gratin potatoes.

He meant testing for COVID.

You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your hand.

Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see "Spider-Man"?

If so, then you have COVID.

Alright, well, then, what about the other problems facing America, like inflation?

"Spider-Man."

Okay, then why can't Democrats pass the voting rights bill?

You think people can focus on voting rights

when Spider-Man's Aunt May is a freakin' smoke show?

Mr. President, isn't the real reason you can't pass the voting rights act

because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

It's true. Spider-Man has his villains.

I have Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.

The only difference is if one of Spider-Man's villains saw Kyrsten Sinema,

they'd be like, "Hey, honey, that outfit is a little much."

And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border,

pushing us to the brink of World War III?

I mean, if that doesn't sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don't know what is.

Okay, I got time for one more question.

Yes, the nerd.

Okay. Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing "Spider-Man."

That's the general idea, yeah.

But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse,

there's a version of you that wants people to see "Spider-Man"?

Finally, a good question!

I've actually thought about this a lot.

I've consulted with Dr. Fauci and Doctor Strange.

As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens.

One of them is me. One of them is a Joe Biden that lost to Trump.

That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called "T-Birds, Tacos and Trains."

And then there's a third Joe Biden who's the greatest president in history.

My approval ratings are sky high.

I'm actually supported by my own party, and I understand the show "Euphoria."

I'm sorry. You're now saying that we're living in a Spider-Man-style multiverse?

Doesn't that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is?

I mean, seriously. Seriously! Come on!

I mean, seriously, don't you wake up every morning, look at the news and think,

"Ah, this can't be right? This is all crazy.

People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse?"

You have to wear a mask at a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down,

then you take it off for the whole meal

unless you got to go to the bathroom, then you gotta put it back on?

Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?!

- Mr. President, are you okay? - For the first time, hell yes!

It's like the webs have fallen from my eyes. I can finally see.

Then the time has come. You are ready.

- Okay. Who the hell is that? - I am Joe Biden from the real universe.

The timeline you are all living in is about to collapse.

You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs

won the World Series.

Now it spiraled out of control and could explode at any minute.

- Am I the president in this real world? - Of course not.

Did you really think you'd lose 4 times and then finally win when you were 78?

What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Everyone on Earth is better off in the real world except one man

named Pete Davidson. Your world is maybe more fun for him.

Now hurry before the portal closes.

I'll come back for all of you, I promise.

Right after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Dude, even in the real universe, that thing's not passing.

Then live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

Musical Guest, Bleachers.

And your host, Ariana DeBose.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

Hey! Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am so honored to be here tonight.

2022 has already been an exciting year.

I am hosting "SNL,"

and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in "West Side Story."

So now, not many people know this, but "West Side Story" is actually based on

another classic tale of star-crossed lover, "90 Day Fiance."

But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community

as an Afro-Latina but...

But also the Broadway community. Yeah, obviously...

Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years.

Last past, anyways. But we are a community that perseveres.

I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine.

And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together.

And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now.

Maybe... Maybe...

Maybe a little something from "West Side Story," huh?

Hi. Did I hear "sing songs from 'West Side Story' with Kate McKinnon"?

- Uh, no, but hi, Kate. - Hi.

I'm sorry, it's my favorite show.

I've loved it since elementary school, you know.

- Well, did you like the movie? - I didn't see it.

I don't leave the house 'cause of COVID, and also 'cause I don't leave the house.

Well, in that case, why don't we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Oh, no, I don't, I don't...

I don't even... I don't even know if I even remember the songs.

"Tonight" in "A" flat, thanks.

Tonight, tonight It all began tonight

I saw you and the world went away

Ariana DeBose.

Tonight, tonight There's only you tonight

What you are, what you do, what you saaaaay

- That's pretty good, Kate. - I've been on Broadway.

- Oh, you have? - Yeah. Like, the sidewalk.

I feel pretty, oh, so pretty I feel pretty and witty and gay

And I pity any girl who isn't me today

-See the pretty girl in that mirror there? -What mirror?

Who can that attractive girl be?

Which, what, where, who?

Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress Such a pretty smile

Such a pretty meeeee

I love that song.

I mean... I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Yeah, which is crazy 'cause like an hour ago, we were both in sweatpants,

spooning our 13-year-old cats, so...

Yeah, well, I wasn't doing that, but that's okay.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, mambo. Mambo, go!

Your turn.

Oh, no, they know I dance.

Could beeee

Who knows?

- There's something due any day - I will know right away

Soon as it shows

It may come cannonballing down through the sky, gleam in its eye

Bright as a rooooose

I like to be in America Okay by me in America

Everything free in America For a small fee in America

Finale.

Today

The minutes seem like hours

The hours go so slowly

and still the sky is liiiiight

Oh, moon, grow bright

And make this endless day Endless niiiiiiight

Toniiiiiiiiiiight

We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here.

So stick around. We'll be right back.

Happy 75th, Nana!

Welcome back to "NBA on TNT." Halftime, Nets and Kings.

Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith.

Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Yeah, he said he got something called Shaq flu, but let's call it what it is.

The man have COVID!

Hey, hey, hey, Charles, you don't know that for sure.

Filling in for Shaq is another big man, Yao Ming.

Yes. Yao is here. Hello.

Yao, you are enormous, man.

You know, before the show, I watched this man eat an entire pumpkin, stem and all.

It's just a snack for Yao.

Well, speaking of COVID, before the game, the Kings' entire team tested positive,

along with most of their coaching staff and trainers,

and they were forced to find replacements very quick, but they did,

and at the half, it's Nets lead the Kings 268-1.

Charles, why can't Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that

the Kings don't have any NBA players on their team, whereas the Nets do.

Yep, I wrote down the same thing.

You can see how the Kings' lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff.

Any thoughts? Any thoughts, Yao?

They're tiny people. Too small.

Well said, Yao.

Let's look at a matchup here.

At forward, you got James Harden for the Nets

and equipment manager Dougie McCormick for the Kings.

Okay, look at those numbers.

McCormick is getting outplayed out there, and the two asthma attacks didn't help.

That's been the case for many Kings players tonight.

Hannah Dalton is courtside with one of them now. Hannah.

I'm here with Riley Beckwith. What position did you play tonight?

Uh, left side.

Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Uh, yeah. Sorry, kind of winded. I was working hard out there.

- You're tall. How tall are you? - 5'7".

Okay. That's tall.

Yeah, look, Brooklyn came to play tonight.

I was confident going in 'cause I play pickup B-ball at my gym

with a bunch of white guys my size, but being out there against the Nets,

I realized that basketball's an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Well, good luck in the second half.

Oh, thank you so much. I won't be here.

I'm scared so I'm going home. Thank you so much.

Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one

on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now.

Alicia, I understand you came to the game with some friends

- and then you were asked to play. - Yeah. Isn't that wild?

This is like the craziest girls night ever.

- And you made a free throw. - I did. It was underhand, too.

Cool. Well, you were also called for traveling 39 times.

Ugh. I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Yeah. Well, then you got ejected for taking a selfie

with Blake Griffin during the game.

Okay, but I had to. I didn't know if I would see him again.

You know, you got to, like, shoot your shot.

Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0 for 3

from the field with 184 blocked shots.

I don't really know what that means, but, you know, go, Sacs!

Well, thank you, Alicia.

Couple of NBA records tonight.

Most points scored by a player by in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178.

And most players crying on the court at once,

six Kings players were crying at the same time.

Hold up. I'm sorry, y'all. But I just got a glimpse of Yao's hand.

It is huge, man.

Hey, put it up to mine. Let me see here. Look at it. Look at this.

Man, that's like the Iron Giant.

No, no, no, not my face, man. Get out of here. Crazy.

Well, let's go right to the source of the Kings' issues tonight.

Temporary coach Patrick Beamus joins us live.

Now, you coach at Little Dunkers day camp.

That's correct. I coach my son's team.

He was actually drafted, too. He's been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Oh, yeah, I think we got a picture of that.

Yeah, yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there.

Kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Sounds about right. Thank you, Coach.

Kenny, how can Sac Town pull off a win tonight?

I'd say if a Kings player has some sort of "Space Jam"-like Mike

magical shoe situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Well, my prediction is I'm out 100 grand 'cause I bet on these clowns to win.

- Why do I do this to myself? - I don't know.

Alright, well, we got to take a break.

Yao, you want to throw us to commercial, bud?

Goodbye.

Yao.

Man, I love you, man.

You know what? Come on, let's get this man another pumpkin.

We'll be right back.

This week, Peacock dropped the trailer for "Bel Air," executive producer Will Smith's

modern, dramatic reimagining of the "Fresh Prince" story.

This town will try to make you forget where you came from.

Now, we're proud to debut the trailer for the next '90s show about the

black experience to be given a serious, high-stakes remake.

Chicago.

People from outside call it Chiraq, but I call it home.

Around here, ain't no good news on the newspaper page.

Only advantage I got, my mind.

That don't count for much in these streets

'cause out here, you got to make your own name.

From executive producers Jaleel White and Kevin Fenley, writer of the "Family

Matters" episode "Urkel accidentally switches bodies with the President."

Ooh, hey, look at Tina. She thicc!

There's only one girl for me, yo.

Who? Laura Winslow? That bougie neighbor girl?

The goofy characters you loved in the '90s with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

Flowers, my pet?

Steve, it ain't like that between us. I'm not your pet.

- But I love you. - Are you deaf, Steve?!

She ain't interested! Now get the hell out of here!

You were hard on that boy, Dad. You know, life ain't been easy for him.

Father's gone, mother's a drunk.

When you gonna stop working on that stupid robot and make some money for this family?

What family?

I raised a damn nerd.

A young genius alone in the world.

You don't love her.

Nah, but I love how she make it clap.

Oh, you broke my nose!

Did I do that? Did I do that?

What if I shot you in the face? Should I do that?

Drop the gun, Steve!

Rolling Stone raves...

...while Entertainment Weekly adds this gif of Kevin Hart looking horrified.

You're pulling guns out on kids, Steve?

The Steve Urkel I know is way too smart for that hood nonsense.

You don't know what it's like out here.

Son, I've been a Chicago cop for 20 years.

- Where's the girl? - Go to hell, pig.

Pig?

Oink, oink, bitch!

If you continue down this path,

you're going to wind up dead or locked up by your 18th birthday.

So? Ain't nobody going to care if I'm gone. I ain't got a family.

You're wrong, Steve. The Winslows are your family.

And family matters.

"Urkel" streaming this spring on Peacock.

Uh-oh, there's a nip in the air and everything's dead.

You know what that means.

It's time for the most important day of your daughter's life.

Her high school winter formal.

And if you want her to have an amazing time, call us, Ron and Donna Lacatza.

Our Formal Emporium is your one-stop shop

for all your daughter's school dance needs.

We've got corsages fresh from our garden.

We've got dresses that are as pretty as she is. Eh, depending on the girl.

And if you're worried about your daughter having sex after the dance, don't be.

- We have the perfect solution. - She can take our son Donovan.

- Because Donovan... - Wouldn't know where to start.

Ah, come on.

We'll also provide her with a photographer who will take gorgeous photos.

And a limousine that we made out of two gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

And with our sweaty son, your daughter is guaranteed to remain unpenetrated.

And that's a Lacatza promise.

Ah, well, maybe one day.

He's not gonna try anything.

The dude gets nervous shaking his grandma's hand.

And he's a lazy wiper. You can smell it.

And if you're worried about what might go on at the after party, don't be.

Donovan's got you covered.

He medically can't stay up past 10:00 p.m.

- When I get tired, I freak out. - Yup.

Donovan's just one of those kids who's got one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shout-out, Scotty and Gavin.

But enough about our off-putting baby boy.

Let's talk to some satisfied customers.

I rented a dress, and I got a compliment from Jason Mazinski.

I rented a limo and me and my friends felt like rock stars.

I rented Donovan, and on the way there he, like, sat up front with the driver.

And he had crumbs on his lips the whole night.

Yeah, see, our boy's always got something on his lips.

Gary! Gary! Zoom in on those lips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, zoom in. Zoom in. Come on!

What's that white stuff? What is that? Is that cream cheese?

Nah, I just think my mouth is like this.

Hey, who is giving you cream cheese, huh?

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Were you still going on about something over there?

Oh, um, yeah.

Well, he, like, didn't dance the whole night and then he went nuts to "Get Low."

Till the sweat drop down my balls

I'm sorry.

And then he got too hot and changed into like a Los Pollos Hermanos T-shirt.

Like, what even is that?

I told you a million times, it's the restaurant from "Breaking Bad."

And if somehow you're still not convinced to think our son is some secret Casanova,

may we direct you and attention to his clinical swamp ass?

Oh, no, don't spin me around.

Gary, zoom in on his wet, little ass.

- Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at that. - Zoom, Gary, zoom!

- It's all soupy. It's so soupy. - It's wet, Gary.

We don't mean to embarrass you, Donovan,

but it looks like you pissed yourself from the back.

- How did he end up like this? - Well, parenting is hard.

And I drank while I was pregnant.

And that's a Lacatza promise.

What is?

Who put that song on?! That's my boy's song!

Hey, I love this song!

So stop by today.

We do not have a website, and we barely have a phone!

Good morning, everyone.

I'd like to welcome everyone to City Hall.

As you know, it's been a tough few years for New York,

but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry.

But I will warn you, the mayor does not like chaos.

If y'all act up, I will come for you, okay?

Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue,

ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams!

Hey, okay!

Yeah, I see you, New York. Oh! Smile, everybody!

It's New York, it's January. Uh-oh, hey!

Ain't no contact, but she know I'm there. You know what I'm saying?

Watch yourself, sir.

After I watch you, girl, go ahead, cut the trip.

What's up, New York? Yeah, that's right.

It's your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams.

And you feel that, huh? New York is back, baby, you know?

This city's never had a mayor with so much swagger before.

I mean, y'all see me outside.

The pea coats, the scarves, the shine on the baldy, though.

You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy.

See, the city's been suffering from what I like to call "a swagless existence."

Y'all ain't had no swagger. That's why you're getting sick.

No offense, let's just be real. I haven't been sick in over 60 years.

I'm muscular, I'm vegan, and I get that thing-thing every day before breakfast.

You can't start the day without finishing first, you understand me?

I'm just playing, unless you like that.

Okay, now let's get to some questions so we can fix this city.

Bitch, I'm from New York. Let's go!

- Mister mayor! Mister mayor! - Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, no, no.

I do not do chaos in my city, okay? I told y'all that.

I was a police officer for over 70 years.

If I get startled, I start beating people's asses. I don't want to do that.

And excuse me, but this man, he is not Bill de Blasio.

- Nah, I ain't like that weak-ass... - No, he will kick your ass.

Okay, okay, now, she's joking, but she's from the Bronx, so is she?

Okay. Questions? Let's start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Uh, me? Okay.

Uh, Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing

COVID numbers and outcry from teachers. Does that still make sense?

Thank you, nut-nut.

Little squirrel man asked a really good question.

Yes, kids need to stay in school, learn about life.

There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swagger

at home, and as a mayor that is so saucy,

just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart.

It's dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag.

Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy.

Now, the boy had no swag.

Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants.

One day, little Timmy walked his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school,

Tiffany Duboiton. Hoo! She was fine, y'all.

Now, little Timmy looked her right in the eye and, boom!

dropped dead right there, lack of swagger.

The lack of swagger stopped the boy heart. It was so sad.

And you know what Shakespeare says. "If doth lacketh the swagger,

why for art thou heart shall beat no more" or something like that.

Bitch, I'm from New York. Does that answer your question?

- Not really, no.

Good. Next question.

- Wait, Mr. Mayor, one more question. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"Excuse me, let me ask you one more question."

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's how y'all sound. Yes.

This ain't the C train, okay? We have rules here.

Yes, we do.

- Proceed. - Yes.

Alright then, Miss Lady, go ahead.

Mr. Mayor, last week, you said "low-skill workers don't have

the skills to sit in an office." Do you really believe that?

I'm glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach.

And congrats on escaping that castle.

Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify.

By "unskilled workers," I meant folks with trash jobs... I mean...

I mean, trash lives. Wait, no.

What I mean is, if you were better at life, you would have a desk.

No. Look. I'm sorry.

Y'all mishearing me and it's making me misquote myself.

Listen, we in this society, okay?

And there are kings and there are queens, and then there are

everybody else below that, the dirty people. Is that better for you?

Hey, I don't like the way you're making me feel right now.

I mean, I was a cop for 97 years. Do you understand me?

Show me some respect. Next question, weird Eminem.

Yeah, the hair.

Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have

to be head of your security detail? Isn't that nepotism?

Thank you, sica-sica, Slim Shady.

Now, y'all keep asking about my brother like

y'all could kick his ass or something.

Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years, okay?

I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together, bad, too.

Plus y'all forget JFK appointed his brother.

Why? Because the man had swagger.

I could be your JFK, New York.

And I'm out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout-out to Sa-a-weetie.

But look, unlike JFK, I'm not gonna get popped in the head.

I'm gonna receive some. Hey, hey!

Okay, that was my staff waving at me saying

I should not have made that joke, and that's fair.

I do apologize. Unless you like that.

Now, I'll leave you with this, New York.

Y'all are in good, black Paul Bunyan hands, alright?

And we're going to beat this virus together, and I believe that.

Plus, you know what rhymes with "cough"? "Tough."

And I mean, it doesn't, but it should.

And New York is tough as hell, and I dare COVID to run up on me.

I swear to... Please, COVID. Come to Brooklyn, bro.

Walk right up to this ass whooping, okay?

I'll leave the light on for you, dawg.

COVID is welcome any time in New York. And you can print that.

Okay, okay, well, maybe let's not welcome the virus,

but thank you, everyone, seriously.

Alright, well, let's have a great four years, everybody.

Bitch, I'm from New York. Let's go.

Okay, okay!

Ladies and gentlemen, Bleachers!

I think they want more!

Let's do it! Ready!

You want to go?! Okay!

We love Mikey and Reynolds, but we're still gonna say hot!

Hot! Hey!

It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, just like -- Too much.

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden's New Year's resolutions

fell apart in the third week of January.

The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the voting-rights bill

got blocked, and his approval rating is so low, it's gone into power-save mode.

But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start

to his first term, yet he became an inspiration

to generations of Republicans even to this day.

I'm talking, of course, about Jefferson Davis.

President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him

in 10 different states, which, come to think of it,

probably explains why the voting-rights stuff isn't working out.

The bottom line is, I think Biden just needs more time.

He might be more of an acquired taste.

Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste.

President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate

to pass two voting-rights bills, saying, "I am tired of being quiet."

And to prove it, he took a 20-minute standing nap.

Minority leader Mitch McConnell, seen here losing the battle

with his breakfast burrito,

criticized President Biden's speech on voting rights,

calling it "beneath his office."

Coincidentally, "beneath his office" is also where McConnell buries

the homeless men he hunts for sport.

Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for block the voting-rights bill,

but, of course, Republicans don't want voting rights,

because if voting was fair, they'd lose.

It's the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to 8 feet.

Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk.

But if there's any silver lining to voter suppression,

it's that we'll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to Black voters.

Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say "for shizzle."

Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it, either,

but it's too late, it's already a GIF.

Leader of the Oath Keepers, Stewart Rhodes, has been arrested and charged

with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6th attack.

But I don't know. He looks pretty remorseful.

Hopefully... Hopefully, he can patch things up.

Yeah, yeah.

That wasn't an eye joke. I was... I was being genuine.

Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right-wing group

with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol.

Authorities knew the messages were from Rhodes because they all began with

"Arr, matey!"

That's... That's not what that was. That wasn't an eye joke at all.

- It wasn't an eye joke. - No, it wasn't an eye joke.

During a senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic

calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron.

Replied Marshall, "Hey! What's that word mean?"

Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID

is a moral obligation, especially since priests work so closely with kids.

That wasn't an eye joke.

Delta Airlines said that this winter's COVID surge cost them more

than $400 million in canceled flights after 8,000 employees caught Coronavirus,

which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees

because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Robert Durst, the New York real-estate heir who murdered his friend

and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison.

Durst will be remembered as New York's fourth-worst real-estate heir.

The late Maya Angelou has become the first Black woman featured on the quarter,

which is not what Black people mean when we demand change.

Google is claiming that Apple's practice of using blue bubbles

in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users

leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users.

While Apple says, Android users could easily solve the problem

by not being so dumb and poor.

Prince Andrew, who faces charges of sexual abuse, has been stripped of his royal

duties by Queen Elizabeth.

It's an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

You had me at "royal duties."

Domino's is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals,

and I really wish I'd known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever

after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm

and he got a hotel room so she would be safe.

Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever

also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel room.

A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering onsite COVID tests for customers.

They plan to use a much less invasive technique

where they sort of just grind around the outside.

Taco Bell -- Well, this is a terrible transition.

Oh, God.

Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco

every day for $10 a month, which kind of sounds like an insult at a rap battle.

"This bitch so fat, he got a subscription to tacos."

Elmo was trending last week after clips of his feud

with a pet rock named Rocco went viral. Here to comment is Elmo.

Hi! Hi!

Hi, everybody! Hello, Michael!

"SNL," yay

Wow! Thank you for being here, Elmo.

Oh, of course! "SNL" is Elmo's favorite.

- Um, m-maybe one day Elmo can host? - Maybe. Yeah.

Now, Elmo, everybody's been talking about your beef

with your friend Zoe's pet rock, Rocco.

Okay, yeah.

You know, there's all these clips of you going on crazy,

unhinged rants about how Rocco's not real.

Okay, okay. Look, Elmo admit Elmo overreacted.

And Elmo has already apologized in a long Instagram post.

Elmo ready to move on.

Well, that's great to hear, Elmo, because

we actually about to bring out a surprise guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco!

What?!

Why does Rocco get a chair?

Well, because Rocco's our guest, Elmo.

Rocco?! Rocco doesn't need a chair!

Rocco doesn't even have legs! Rocco's a rock!

What is Rocco doing here?!

Well, he was in the building getting a COVID test.

How?! How is Rocco getting a COVID test? Tell Elmo!

Rocco doesn't even have a nose! Rocco doesn't even have a respiratory system!

Hey, look, "SNL" requires all visitors to get tested, okay?

Why is Rocco visiting "SNL"?

Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the place before he hosts next month.

- What?! - Oh, you didn't see? Look.

- What?! - Yeah.

Rocco is host and musical guest? How?!

Wait, hold on. What's that Rocco?

Yeah, that's kind of true. Elmo do be doing that.

D-D-Don't gaslight Elmo. Come on, Mike.

Elmo feel like Elmo going insane here.

Hey, you know, I really like this dude, man. Here, man, have a cookie.

Have a little cookie.

Can Elmo have a cookie?

No, I'm sorry, man, that's my last one.

The last cookie?! The last cookie?!

It's happening again!

Okay. That's it! Paper covers rock!

Prepare to die, Rocco!

Oh! Come on, man! Rocco's family is here!

I'm sorry.

- Elmo give up. I'm sorry. - Rocco, everybody!

Rocco?! Elmo was the one being interviewed!

You were next. For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che!

I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

Now, children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors,

the Von Trapps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect.

And your father says you're in need of the same thing.

Oh, Maria, you're going to be our teacher, too?

Well, not, not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows

and fleeing the Nazis, I'm already stretched quite thin.

Well, then, who's going to be our new governess?

I'm delighted to say I found someone perfect.

She's quirky and fun and, just like me,

she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior.

Frau Schmemkin!

The hills are alive

Oh, wow, Maria! She loves the outdoors just like you.

Oh, no, I'm saying the hills are alive, and do not go out there.

Okay. She's not exactly like me.

Well, now, children, if Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here,

it's that you can solve all of the family's emotional problems

- just by singing. - Singing? What's that?

Oh! It's easy. I'll teach you. With Maria's permission, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Pretend I'm not even here. You're gonna be great. Yep.

Let's start at the very start of the song

It'd be crazy to start in the middle

When you read, you begin with do re mi

And singing is exactly the same

- How am I doing, Maria? - Uh, good. You're doing great.

But we still don't know how to sing.

Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler?

Ah, yes. Like this.

Do, a thing that Homer Simpson says

Re, a movie with Jamie Foxx

Mi, like "Me, Myself and Irene"

- Fa, like "fart" without a T. - Just stick to the...

- So, an album by Peter Gabriel. - That's obscure.

- La, what people call Los Angeles. - No one calls it that.

- Ti, the shape of an IUD. - They're children!

And when Homer gets mad, he says d'oh

All right, children, I think it's your turn.

Uh, this might surprise you, but we didn't catch all that.

Well, don't think, just sing.

All right. I'll try.

Do, the last name of a body

- found in a river. - Yes!

- Re, Romano, everybody loves him. - Agreed, yes.

- Mi, a kid who pees in the sink. - Cool.

- Fa, like the end of Queen Latifah. - Tremendous.

So, how children make our sneakers.

La, the start of Queen Latifah.

Ti, like the middle of Queen Latifah.

And when Homer hits his head, he says d'oh oh, oh, oh

- Do! - Sorry. Where did you get that?

Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don't tell anyone.

Okay, listen, listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really, I must object to some of your lyrics.

You've used "Queen Latifah" three times.

Well, what did you say for "La"?

I said, "La, the note that follows so."

Damn, that's so lazy.

Yeah. "Queen Latifah's" way better than that.

Frau Schmemkin, can I try?

Greta spoke!

Yes, for the first time since witnessing mother's gruesome death!

Now that's the power of song.

Sing, Greta. Oh, sing you beautiful little mute angel!

- Do, a deer, a female deer. - Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Sweetie, darling, I really hate to correct you.

I know this is a big moment for you.

But a female deer is not called a doe. It's called a lady deer.

What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

- Oh, Papa, don't be mad. - Mad?

Quite the opposite.

As a young man, I was considered something of a chanteuse.

And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world.

Fast food.

Curly fries Waffle fries

Every Tuesday at Arby's Jalapeno bites taste so nice

Grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children!

Crazy fries Crispy fries

Every Tuesday at Arby's

Once again, Bleachers!

Welcome everyone, on behalf of the Classic Studies department here at Cornell.

Thank you for joining us at this highly anticipated, sold-out free lecture.

And thank you again for the grant from our corporate sponsor, FAGE yogurt.

FAGE. "Be careful when you say it."

Our guest lecturers today are here to enlighten us about Sappho,

ancient Greek poetess from the Isle of Lesbos.

Welcome Joanne Druck and Reena Merlin.

Until now, Sappho's poems about lesbian love have survived

only in incomplete, yet tantalizing fragments.

For example, "Lavender fields, weeping she left me."

Or my personal favorite, "I have of girls."

But now, thanks to a recent unearthing of a buried scroll room on the Isle of Lesbos

Caused by the tragic crash of a rogue Rosie O'Donnell family cruise,

all survivors,

we now have Sappho's complete poems,

which capture the timeless beauty of love between women.

Oh, huzzah!

Any lover of Ancient Greek literature is as hard as the statue of Adonis right now.

Give us the translations, please!

Will do. We begin.

"Wind in mountains. Eyes of goldenrod.

We broke up, Helena. Please get your sandals out of here."

And now, "Golden raisins. River banks.

Nancy, we just met. You're scary and a bitch.

Move in with me."

And then there's this, of course.

"Olive juice drips. Sun touched.

we cannot get another dog. We are maxed out on dogs.

That being said, I found a pregnant feral cat behind the grocery store. Please?"

Her work is timeless.

Does anyone have any questions?

It feels like maybe your personal lives are influencing the translation.

No, no. I don't know anyone named Nancy.

- No, me either. Not anymore. - Let's continue. Thank you.

"You satisfy our passion. The Aegean beckons.

Why don't gay guys invite us to their events?

Are we not fun? Don't answer that."

"Woven garlands. Greek tree.

Nancy, you moved in three weeks ago. It has been hell. Marry me."

And we found this one the most stirring of all.

"I don't care if Helen of Generes was mean.

She did a lot.

You think James of Corden is a walk in the park?"

I'm sorry. Has this been peer reviewed or published?

- Yes, we were married. - That's not what I asked.

Well, now, the cave not only contained poems but also

artifacts which help us re-create Sappho's life.

Yes, yeah. An ancient drinking vessel.

A toga with suspenders.

And here's a vase with the face of some kind of ancient Greek goddess,

we think, of hotness? I don't know.

That is Gillian Anderson from "The X-Files," and I think you made that.

What? What??

What do -- What do you want me to do?

You want me to prove I can speak Ancient Greek? Fine.

Go, go, go, go, go, omega, omega, Maria Menounos,

Zach Galifianakis, omicron, omicron. And so on.

I'm sorry to say that was not Ancient Greek at all.

Folks, these translations may not be legitimate.

So show me a fragment. I'll translate it myself.

All right.

"I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains,

I looked to the children, I drank from the..."

You know what? They were right!

Man, I cannot believe I'm working a double tonight.

Ain't no one in Texarkana spending New Year's Eve at Longhorn Steakhouse.

I know, it sucks. But at the end of the day, it's gonna be worth it.

Dana, Grady, what y'all doing back here, lurr?

We're just prepping the salads, Miss Armoor.

Why are you all prepping salads

when I found two empty A.1.s in the dining room, lurr?

This is Longhorn Steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled, lurr.

Ooh, I can't stand Miss Armoor.

You know, you ever notice how she says "lurr" after everything?

Like, what the hell is lurr?

I don't know, but at the end of the day, she is the boss.

Hey, uh, y'all talking about lurr?

Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah!

No, I don't know what you're talking about, Rene.

Oh, no, no.

I heard you talking about how Miss Armoor always say "lurr."

I ain't never heard "lurr" in my life.

Guys, guys, guys, come on, now.

I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early

and take my girl's kids to the trampoline place

tomorrow, at the end of the day.

Rene! Where is your apron?

It is New Year's Eve! My ass is on the line, lurr!

- Hey, Miss Armoor, what "lurr"? - Excuse me?

"Lurr." What is "lurr"?

Rene, I can never understand you. Now get you back, lurr,

to work, lurr, or you'll be in big trouble, Jana.

Why she gots... mm! Why she gots to single me out, huh?

I could just -- oop! -- no!

Chill, Jana, chill. You know she ain't worth it at the end of the day.

End of the day, you can't let her get to you, 'cause, the end of the day,

that's what she wants, end of day.

The other day, Miss Armoor, she was on me about some bull.

I just had to walk away, at the end of the day.

Y'all talking about "lurr"? Oh, peesh!

Last week, she got on me about how I wasn't sweeping the parking lot

at the end of the night.

"End the night, I don't sweep the parking lot." She said, "Yes, you do."

Like, at the end of the day, I don't know what I do at the end of the night.

End of the day, when it's the end of the night,

I know what I do at the end of the day.

End of the day, I do what I do at the end of the night!

Cha!

Floyd, I couldn't have said it any better, end of day.

Ooh, Jana, I have hit my limit with you!

If you don't get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse

in Texas, and I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse

in Arkansas, lurr.

Ooh, Miss Armoor, you 'bout done it now.

You and me -- let's go!

Oh, okay! I'll kick your ass!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Everybody got they own going on going on.

Grady got to go to trampoline place tomorrow.

Floyd got to sweep the end of the night.

And Miss Armoor say "lurr."

The end of the day, I ain't the reddest mud bug at the bar, but we are family.

And like my mama said,

da people dat be dere don do want that ped dad dog be dad

dad when day when.

Jana, I know I ride you hard but it's just 'cause

I see so much of myself in you, lurr.

Well, at the end of the day, Miss Armoor, I hate you.

'Cause I lurr you.

Happy New Year from Longhorn Steakhouse.

Peesh and lurr.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Thank you, Bleachers! How amazing were they?

Thank you to everyone here at 30 Rock and "SNL"

and Lorne Michaels for having me.

This has been an experience of a lifetime.

Thank you to this in-studio audience. Oh, my God!

Happy New Year!