Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members.

Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show

and adopt a new member into the Five Timers Club.

But COVID came early this year.

So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience

and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California

and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV,

well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive.

Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for

because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tina, another Five Timer. Thank you for joining me.

As you know, I started the Five Timers Club.

Oh, like you started COVID.

Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club

and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

Good to see you, kiddo.

Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming.

I’m extremely disappointed.

Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Well, it’s not all that bad.

People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Okay, right, yeah.

Well, there was a whole show planned.

And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my Five Timer jacket.

Or will you?

Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member,

Mr. Kenan Thompson.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

Where is everybody?

Kenan, having you heard?

Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

- Yeah, COVID. - Well, is that real?

- Yeah, it’s real. - I’m just kidding. Come on.

We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the Five Timer experience you were hoping for,

but someone did pre record a very special message just for you.

Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom...

...Paul Rudd...

- I’m a huge fan of Tom... - Paul Rudd.

- and Tom... - Paul Rudd...

- did one of my favorite movies, Forest... - Ant-man.

It’s Paul Rudd.

Oh look, it’s Martin Short. You remember the Five Timers Club?

- Right? - No.

- How many times have you hosted? - Three.

- So congratulations, Tom... - Paul Rudd...

Oh, wow. Thanks.

I just thought that was great.

And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody,

including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

And we were also going to show some of our personal

favorite sketches from past episodes.

Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary.

A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like,

Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.

So, get us started Mr. Sexy Five Timer.

Okay. Well. This first piece, I shot on Thursday night

with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.

- You look gorgeous. - You too.

Evelyn, Eileen, welcome.

We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.

- Yeah, we sure do. - Yeah, maybe too much.

I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.

Okay.

Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays.

That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?

- Well, I should think so. - Yeah, I think we can handle that.

Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl.

And action.

Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?

- Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy. - Don’t spend too much.

No, really? What would you like?

- Maybe... No, I don’t know. - Just a small... Nothing.

Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?

- Grandchildren. - Grandchildren.

Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?

- Grandchildren. - Grandchildren.

What about something from Home Goods?

- Grandchildren. - Grandchildren.

- A son for my son. - Five grandchildren.

I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.

A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.

Closer.

- Um, oh, a cake stand. - Hey, there you go.

With grandchildren on top.

Can you just say sweater?

- Why? - Just to have it.

- Baby sweater. - Okay. Just sweaters.

Just baby.

Cut.

Okay, so the thing about Home Goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

- That sounds like a you problem. - Yeah, can you check in the back?

- No. - Well, sorry.

Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.

Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before.

So that feels pretty good.

I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right?

Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts.

What’s on your list this year?

I want Kelsey to be full of my son.

- I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey. - Oh my God.

I want her daughter fertilized.

I want them to do the naked marriage dance.

Fulfill the wedding promise.

I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Items that cost money.

Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.

What? No!

Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.

- You sell oysters here? - No, of course not.

- I feel like I bought oysters. - Cut.

Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers.

Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine,

8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.

A good reminder.

You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell.

And then you just say them back. Alright?

- Crockpot. - Toddler.

- Apron. - Grandson.

- Nope. Milk frother. - Milk daughter.

- Christmas wreath. - Boy named Keith.

- Mr. Klen Magic Eraser. - Many magic children faster.

- Coffee table book. - No.

Cut.

I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.

Casey. Do you have kids?

No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute.

It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.

Yes.

Sure, it'd be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel.

Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn.

- Yeah. Say it. - Oh my God.

- I want grandchildren. - Yes!

Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything.

They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.

I want to take them to the Science Museum

and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

I want to say something weird that makes them consider

having a confrontation with me.

And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.

Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

- Yes, it’s the wrong shape. - You guys are right. I’m sorry.

It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing] Oh, that’s me.

- Hello? - Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

- We did it! - It’s happening!

- Yes! - Kelsey!

Homegoods, attagirl, Kelsey.

One of my other favorite SNL Christmas memory is running getting to skate

down at the Rockefeller Center rink at Goodnight's.

And the only person who could really skate was Kenan.

Mighty Ducks forever.

Now, we all know Andy and Justin Timberlake are perfect

in this next Christmas classic.

But please also take in Maya and Kristin’s performances as sultry R'n'B video ladies.

Here’s Dick in a Box.

Hey, girl. I got something real important to give you. So, just sit down and listen.

Girl, you know we been together, such a long, long time.

Such a long time.

And now I’m ready, to lay it on the li-ine.

Wow, you know it’s Christmas, and my heart is open wide

Gonna give you something, so you know what’s on my mind.

A gift real special, so take off the top.

Take a look inside, it’s my d**k in a box.

Not gonna get you a diamond ring That sort of gift don’t mean anything

Not gonna get you a fancy car

Girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star

Not gonna get you a house in the hills

A girl like you needs something real I want to get you something from the heart

Something special, girl.

It’s my d**k in a box! In a box, baby.

It’s my d**k in a box! My d**k in a box, girl.

See, I’m wise enough to know when a gift needs giving, girl

And I’ve got just the one

Something to show you that you are second to none.

To all the fellas out there, with ladies to impress

It’s easy to do, just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box.

2. Put your junk in that box.

3. Make her open the box.

And that’s the way you do it.

It’s my d**k in a box!

My d**k in a box, baby. It’s my d**k in a box!

Oo-oo-ooh, my d**k in a box, girl.

- Christmas. - A d**k in a box.

- Hanukkah. - A d**k in a box.

- Kwanzaa. - A d**k in a box.

Every single holiday, a d**k in a box.

Over at your parents house, a d**k in a box

Meat Day at the grocery store, a dick in a box.

Backstage at the CMAs, a dick in a bo-o-o-o-o-x

Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white

Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life,

or if you’re Pete Davidson, Raging Bull.

On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning,

An evening with Pete.

It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey Day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd,

Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost... sort of.

Alright, Pete. You still got it baby.

You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.

Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

I’ll be there in six.

Good evening. I’m Colin Jost.

Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person,

Pete Davidson.

Thank you. Thank you.

As you know, I am from Staten Island.

Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island?

One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives.

And another one’s an old TV show.

Do Chad.

Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Come on. Just do Chad.

You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Come on! Just do it.

Alright, fine. You want Chad, I’ll do Chad.

Okay.

Pete Davidson, everyone.

Hi, my name is... what? my name is... who?

my name is... wicked wicked warn baby

Who exactly is the audience for this?

I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.

Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.

God.

Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you.

He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.

Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.

I’ve never seen him before in my life.

But Pete, we shared an office together.

I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you.

I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.

What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.

It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.

Thank you. Thank you. Next,

I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.

I’ll take the first verse.

So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into

a fight with that no neck guy from nin...

That's great, I gotta go actually.

Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?

- Cold night, huh? - Yeah.

Pete?

Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.

You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one

could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.

Seriously? How did you come up with that?

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down.

The rest is history.

Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos

and painfully removed them one by one?

Sure.

Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved.

So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.

Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award.

- Pete, where did you get this? - Do you want it or not?

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.

That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Yeah, that’s right.

Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say...

Goodbye for now, we’ll see each other again

You know that I'm always near,

You know that I’ll be waiting here for you

Waiting for you

The Pete Davidson Show

This next sketch is one my favorite Christmas sketches.

Not only because I loved seeing sweet, innocent, Vanessa Bayer as a naughty elf,

but I remember how much fun it was being in the office when I told our writers

about this idea. That’s what I love about this place.

People making stuff that really makes them laugh.

So here’s Santa and his Elves.

With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work

making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho.

Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along.

Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head.

Elves, up here.

Santa, you beckoned us.

Is there something we can do for you?

It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

Oh, no! We are so sorry.

- Oh, we let you down big time. - We totally goofed.

You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right?

Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Me, I learn through discipline.

Whatever do you mean!

I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about.

I will be back at first day light and I expect

this table to be filled with toys, understand?

- Yes, Santa. - Yes sir.

You got it.

Good morning, elves. How are the toys co... What? You haven’t done a thing.

I know. We are so bad.

I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

What?

We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

But we’ll do it... if you force us to.

Alright. Oh!

Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it.

If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Speaking of mistakes,

I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops!

Better go get it.

Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now.

Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right?

Good old Saint dick... Nick! Sorry!

Can you please just make some toys?

Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

You better put jingle bells in our mouths... coz we’re screamers!

Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Okay! Enough! Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break.

3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally torn into all of you.

But look, I am not that guy anymore.

And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t

even remember meeting, you start to want something more.

And that is when I really became Santa.

Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

That’s very sweet.

Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

I think I needed to hear that.

Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk.

You’re all fired! Take care.

- Oh man! - Oh man! Come on.

I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic.

And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming.

Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal.

But then it all just magically disappeared.

What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case,

here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan.

Starring Kirstie Alley,

Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies,

funnyman Louie Anderson,

Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the

World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more.

And now, here he is, Carl Sagan!

Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special.

It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because,

the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time.

Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time,

a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself, Mr. Dean Martin.

Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Hello there, Carl.

You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Okay, Dean, because after all..

The Earth’s atmosphere operates as a greenhouse, if you will.

When there’s too much carbon dioxide it blocks out all the...

Our CO2 concentration has risen to 350 parts per million

mostly due to the fossil fuel, consumption and horizon other trace gases.

Methane, nitrogen oxide and cho-based molecules..

Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not cho, that’s C-H-O-H,

a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons.

I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Well, it sure looks like cho to me, Professor!

Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Oh, lead the way!

‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!

Thank you.

Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang,

you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant'd be rain.

Ooh, that ain’t right!

Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree.

Shall we?

Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree

in our new twisted eco-system.

Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

And look who’s here trimming the tree.

It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

- Carl, can I say something? - Please.

We can’t allow this to happen.

Won’t you please, please send money...

to wherever... money is sent... to fix

this terrible... tree thing... Please!

Thank you, Sally. Thank you.

So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are,

we’ll all be in hot water!

Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees,

making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks

as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

- Ooh, well what about Tahoe? - It’ll be fine.

Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic,

Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, just in holiday style

In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

- Silver bells - Tiny silver bells

- Silver bells - Tiny silver bells

It’s Christmas time in the city!

Wha... Hey! What’s this?

I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming

is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange.

And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know,

it’s global warming, it’s madness!

You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda,

We’re losing the bloody planet! And after the planet, what have you got?

You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand!

You know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got?

I mean, think about it, you know?

You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit.

But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong.

‘Cause it will, and then what have you got?

You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

- Thank you, Paul. - It’s bloody madness!

Come on, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered

by our environmental neglect.

Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record!

Now, which one is mine?

Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Oh, man, I love the peanut brittle now...

Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies

will liquify, even on the mildest days.

It’s madness, I tell you!

People, we can’t let this happen!

Mmm, well, it’s not bad!

What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Oh, sorry...

Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now

it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should.

What you’re looking at is the tan of the future.

Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon,

and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin,

I think, My God, what have these fools done?

For those of my generation, for John Derek, Bob Guccione, it may be too late.

But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’?

Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect?

Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze.

The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

Now, we will enjoy a rendition of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,

by my colleague Ralph Nader.

Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella,

but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

Mr. Dom DeLuise!

Miss Petula Clark!

Well, now, boy, boy, what did you think there?

Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials

were wasteful and excessive.

Oh, that’s right. Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

Thank you, Dean!

Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

- Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che. - I’m Tina Fey

Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update

and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

It’s not what you think. He’s having worked done.

So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway,

and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

- I’d rather you did. - Okay.

And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

- Okay, great. - Perfect.

Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina.

O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior.

Said O.J., I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.

Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year.

You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla

is self driving you into a lake.

It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts

all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters.

And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like,

Somebody better calm these white people down.

This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US

to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse.

I blew it again!

Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever

female police commissioner,

which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive.

There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk,

they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

German police...

German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers

to kill a local official over vaccine mandates.

It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules.

Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video

using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder

why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

You know what I'm saying?

One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System

has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts

to blow on him and stick him back in.

Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator.

So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to

check out the fridge during the raid.

NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft

has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere,

NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

- That’s smart. - It’s a thinker.

- That’s smart. - It’s a thinker.

After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day,

the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel.

And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills

through the mail which means your pill should arrive

just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks.

Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s

annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts

to make them more attractive. But hey man,

we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right?

- Look at his face! - You’re killing me.

The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer

hours after being accused of kicking a player.

Worse, the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie

weighing 850 pounds.

They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear

as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad.

That one stays.

It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog

for more than $500 million.

So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million

in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic.

Said Cuomo, Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket

and take it out yourself, sweetheart.

For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

You know, Christmas is a time of charity and giving.

And that was the inspiration for this next music video,

which I shot yesterday morning, with Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Heidi Gardner,

Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat,

and what should have been tonight’s musical guests Charlie XCX.

It’s a heartfelt Christmas song about a magical moment between a boy

and a strange man at a department store. Enjoy.

It was almost Christmas Day There I stood in line to pay

At the big department store Christmas time’s become a chore

Standing right in front of me Six year old waiting nervously

When I saw him I was shocked In his hands he held a pair of socks.

Said I want to buy these socks for my dear old mom

It’s Christmas and they’d be the perfect socks

It’s been a real tough year, See we got a bird

and it looks as if the bird has flown away

The boy was low on cash so I helped him out,

but then I had to ask about this bird.

Tell me about the bird.

Did it say any words

or was it just one of those quiet birds?

I guess I’d say quiet bird never heard a word

just a bird that we got at the store

Well, I once had a bird it never squawk to said hello

to me that’s kind of a waste of a bird

Hey, I’m sorry guys but there’s a big old line

can you please give me the money for the socks?

Oh, hey, that’s my bad go ahead, little boy

buy your mom these perfect socks.

But wait before you do, quick question for you

did you have a name for your bird?

Great question, sir.

We had a name for our bird

and that name was TJ Rocks.

TJ Rocks, that’s an interesting name.

Sounds like she was one of a kind.

I’m sorry. Can you move this conversation someplace else?

Yeah. Is he gonna pay for the Christmas socks?

Oh, yeah.

- There you are my son. - Jesus.

I’ve been looking for you

I have some news about TJ Rocks

Is it good news or bad?

What would you say it like that?

Tell me what is up with TJ rocks?

I’d like to know too.

Hi, I haven’t met you

I am friends with your son

Well, I don’t like that, but back to the news

TJ Rocks is back and started a band

- I am TJ Rocks - So, she does talk.

These are the Junk Yard Boys

and we would like to play a song for you.

Two, three, four!

I took a bus to the lay and a gock with the Junk Yard Boys

TJ Rocks, TJ Rocks,

We got rich and famous, we would wanna spend Christmas with you.

[everybody is clapping] TJ, you’re back.

I love you, little boy.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Oh, sweetie.

One more thing.

Will you marry me?

Of course.

That’s the story of Christmas socks.

Growing up, Saturday Night Live had a huge impact in my life.

Like so many others, I idolize Steve Martin.

As a kid, I would memorize his sketches and perform them for my friends at school.

They hated it.

I have a vivid memory of the night Steve Martin’s Holiday Wish aired.

It blew me away.

I memorized as soon as I could and performed it

in Mrs. Shipley’s speech class not realizing how lame that actually is.

So if any of my friends from High School are watching,

you’re gonna have to hear this one more time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin.

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season,

it would be for all the children of the world to join hands

and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season,

the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands

and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.

And the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me,

tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season,

first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing.

The second would be for the $30 million every month to me.

And the third would be for all encompassing power

over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season,

first would be the crap about the kids,

second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power.

And the fourth would be to set aside one month each year

to have an extended 31-day orgasm,

to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody,

I can’t think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too.

She’s behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish!

If I made that the first wish because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow,

and then what have you got?

No, no.. The kids singing would be great, that would be nice.

But wait a minute, who am I kidding!

I mean, they’re not gonna be able to get all those kids together!

I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible!

It’s more trouble than it’s worth! So, we reorganize: here we go.

First, the sex thing, we go with that; second, the money. No!

We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids.

Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies!

Okay, revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell!

That would be the fourth wish!

And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world

to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony.

Thank you, everybody. Merry Christmas.

One of my favorite parts of SNL is having ridiculously talented people

playing ridiculously stupid roles.

Paul McCartney playing Monty the Triangle Player in this holiday pageant sketch

with Martin Short is exactly that.

So, this yearm you be the stuffing,

and I'll be the Christmas goose.

Yes!

Thank you, Reggie. But I don't think that's the song we're looking for

to end our Sweetwater Community Center Christmas pageant.

Well, can I have a reason?

Well, for one, it's confusing, I mean if you're the goose and she's the stuffing,

does that mean she's shoved inside of you?

Well, I do not know, because I did not give it any thought.

- Well, we appreciate your efforts. - And I appreciate them as well!

Oh, boy! Okay, who's next?

That is the singing duo, Caleb and Monty.

Hello. I am...

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

I am Caleb and this is Monty. But a quick correction,

we are not a singing duo. I'm the singer, and Monty plays the triangle.

Which is for the best, because you don't wanna hear Monty sing.

- I like to sing. - Be quiet. Just stop it!

Be quite right now. You are not to sing today.

You are only here because we are cousins through marriage.

Now, do you remember your queue?

- Yes. - Excellent.

This song is an original composition called 'Holiday time, holiday cheer'.

And there you go, I'm assuming you read music.

Two, three, four!

Holiday time, holiday cheer

Holiday where? Holiday here.

It's my favourite time of the year. I'm on a train!

It's my favourite time of the year.

And I've been playing and slaying and hooling about

And I've been snapping and rapping and having a show!

And when you hear ding-a-ling, that's you!

When I hear ding-a-ling... That's your queue, Monty!

When I go ding-a-ling... You hit the triangle when I say that.

Ding-a-ling-ling. Now!

- Okay. - Not. Can you do it?

Good, very good.

- Now can I sing? - No, no!

You don't sing because you can't sing!

If you could sing,then you'd sing, but you can't sing.

I have the million dollar voice and you are a lump!

I'm going to take it from the top, if I might.

Or, you know, we could just tell you right now we're not gonna use your song.

Oh, please! I need this! I need this so bad!

And when the ding-a-ling happens at the right place is one heck of a song.

It really is.

Okay, fine, fine. You can do it again.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Two, three, four! Holiday time...

What are doing?

You moron!

- I wanna sing. - You wanna sing?

You wanna sing? That's the way you treat me? Is that right?

After everything I did for you!

Do you know where I found him when we were supposed to be rehearsing?

He was stuck in a tree.

- I was chasing a bird. - I hate you, Monty!

I hate you so much!

I quit! I quit.

Best of luck to your solo career.

One of my favorite SNL cast members of all time is Eddie Murphy.

When he came back to host in 2019, I was watching it from home.

My favorite sketch from that show was when Eddie played, and I quote,

“A black elf in sweatpants.” Here is Eddie Murphy in North Pole News Report.

This is a North Pole News special report.

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum.

Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop

in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

Donnie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over

licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop.

But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from.

Still looking for answers here.

I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking from the candy can depo.

I saw the whole thing.

Okay, it looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened.

A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves.

I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves

but those elves are gone.

Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence

and it looked just like Jurassic Park. It just ran through the fence.

These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming,

and they smelled that fresh elf meat and went crazy.

The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

I can confirm them now. Look at this leg.

I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead.

Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles.

Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all!

Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate

as to how serious it is without official word.

Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is.

This teenage white elf girl ran out to me,

a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

- My friends are still in there. - Girl, they dead.

Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know.

Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir.

Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

It don’t matter what my name is.

Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community.

The Tooth Fairy via Instagram moments ago.

Wings heavy with despair this evening.

Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

That bitch sounds crazy!

We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition?

Some bear traps, cause more bears are coming.

And their eating good won't stay a secret for long.

We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chewable.

Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick!

Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Ma'am!

Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it

because it cost 5,000 more gum drops than he wanted.

Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Listen to this sexy ass elf right here.

When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the North Pole

is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think?

We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santaknew.

Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

It does matter for our viewers, please.

All right. My name is Kittle Diddles.

I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait!

Rick, I think I hear something. It's very faint. I think it is singing.

Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!

The bears are coming back! The bears are coming back!

I’ve been lucky enough to host a couple different Christmas Shows,

and over the years I’ve found myself asking the question:

“What makes a great Christmas show sketch?” It needs to be funny,

and Christmasy, sure. But above all else, it needs to be true.

And this next sketch is the truest sketch I’ve ever been a part of.

In fact, it’s more of a documentary than anything.

It is who I am, laid bare across the screen.

I give you, Adult One Direction Fan.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you!

Hi.

Oh, my Gosh. We love One Direction!

My favorite is Liam because he's really cute.

I got so star struck, I almost fainted.

Do I love One Direction?

I don't know. Is Liam's favorite color purple?

Ha ha. It is.

Did you know that Liam is afraid of spoons? Isn't he the craziest?

Yeah, like, how does he eat soup?

You're hilarious. I like you.

On the count of three, what was the name of Louis' first dog.

- Ted! - You didn't count.

I'm gonna marry Zayn.

You know what? I absolutely hate to tell you this, but you're not.

'Cause I know what Zayn's into, and it's definitely not you.

- Do you want to marry him? - No, I have a wife and kids.

Don't talk to me like that. I'm an adult.

You're weird.

Who's your favorite?

I like Niall 'cause he has blonde hair.

That's funny, because Niall's a natural brunette. He dyes his hair.

Oh, oh, oh you don't know your basic facts, no, no.

Hey, you know what song of theirs I love?

- What? - "Eyes like fire."

- That's not a song. - It should be.

- I wrote it for One Direction. - I bet they won't like it.

I say "Harry," you say "Styles"!

- Harry! - Styles!

I say "One Di," you say "rection"!

- Harry! - Styles!

- Harry! - Styles!

Hello?

My wife just had a baby.

Let's name him Zayn.

Wait, wait, wait. Is he playful?

Let's name him Niall.

1D, 1D, 1D!

Oh, my God! It's them!

Hi. Oh, my God. Harry.

Um, would you guys sign this?

- Is this for your daughter? - Yes.

Aw, you're a great dad. What's her name?

- Her name is Dan Charles. - That's a really pretty name.

- Is there somewhere to sign? - Oh, yeah, here.

Sign it all over my back.

There.

This next piece is from the Christmas show of season 39.

It's one of my favorite sketches done by one of my favorite people.

This is Jimmy Fallon in 'Now that's what I call Christmas'.

Nothing gets us in the holiday spirit like music.

Wouldn't you like to hear all your favorite Christmas classics

sung by today's hottest stars? Well, now you can.

It's "now that's what I call Christmas,"

with legendary performers like Michael Bublé.

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells overpronouncing all the words

Yeah!

Shakira.

Ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o

ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o it's time for Santa Claus

Zooey Deschanel.

I'll have a cute Christmas without you

With spoken word from professor Snape himself, Alan Rickman.

Have a holly, jolly Christmas.

It's the best time of the year.

And a special Christmas verse from DMX.

Come on! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, what?!

Had a very shiny nose Yeah! Yeah!

And if you saw it, what?! You would even say it glows

Plus, blasts from the past, like Guns'n'Roses' Axl Rose.

And Santa won't deliver presents in the cold December rain

And don't forget Andrea Bocelli.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

oh, mommy, oh, mommy, why would you?

You are still married to dadd-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Thank you. Thanks.

And some special Christmas duets,

like Alanis Morissette and Billie Joe Armstrong.

He's fat but he's happy he's old but he's kind

he's nice 'cause he's Santa, baby

'cause he's got one hand in the...

And the other one's giving a peace sign

And Lorde featuring Harry Styles.

Christmas night

and it's early night the sun is calm, sun is bright

And it wouldn't be the hottest Christmas collection without Pit Bull...

Santa's in Miami.

...featuring Shakira.

Remember Santa, you bring presentos

I give you cookies and a glass of leche

uno, dos, tres, Christmas

"Now that's what I call Christmas," in stores now.

One of my favorite Christmas SNL memories is from December 17th, 2005.

Jack bBlack was the host, everyone was pumped.

My daughter, Alice, was three months old at the time. And during the live show,

my friend Dale in the SNL wardrobe department,

the most talented people on Earth, decided to make Alice a little Christmas outfit.

So while the live show was going on, they took a women's juicy coutour sweat suit

and cut it up and made this.

And while they were working on it, TV Funhouse was playing on all the monitors

and I remember thinking, this is a really good night.

This is TV fun house, 'Christmastime for the Jews'. Am I allowed to say Jews?

Saturday TV funhouse

Come back here with my show!

On Christmas Eve, the gentiles gather 'round the Christmas tree.

They stay at home and party with their goyishe family.

They disappear one day each year and pass the egg nog 'round.

But it's all right 'cause that's the night the Jews control the town.

Well, it happens every year on Christmas Eve

All the happy Christian people take their leave

Yeah, the streets are deserted and that's big news

It's Christmastime for the Jews

Yeah, the holiday party starts about 6:00 p.m.

Ain't nobody re-creating Bethlehem

Yeah, the three wise men, that's a big old snooze

It's Christmastime for the Jews

They can finally see "KIng Kong" without waiting in line

They can eat in Chinatown and drink the sweetest wine

They can crank Barbra Streisand on the streets they cruise

Christmastime for the Jews

They can gang up on the quakers Play for the Lakers

They can do what they wanna Even blow off Madonna

Get a chance to drive a tractor Win on "Fear Factor"

See "Fiddler on the Roof" with actual Jewish actors

Now they really get the party going after dark

Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park

Picking fights in the bar knowing they can't lose

Christmastime for the Jews

Now it's nearly 10:30 Yes, it's time for bed

"Daily Show" rerun dancing in their heads

Maybe next year, they'll learn how to hold their booze

Christmastime for the Jews

Everyone

Christmastime for the Jews

Don't ya see now

Christmastime for the Jews

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's our show.

What a crazy week and an even crazier day.

I want to thank Keenan Thompson, Michael Che, Tina Fey

and Tom Hanks for being here and helping me out.

I also want to thank all the cast, the writers, the crew and of course,

Charlie XCX for working so hard this week under such stressful circumstances.

I know it wasn't the Christmas show that you expected, but that's

the beauty of this place. Like life, it's unpredictable.

As my good friend Tom Hanks once said in a movie,

life is a like a big weird chocolate bar.

Sometimes it's delicious. Other times it's got that orange cream filling in it and

it's like, okay, it's not what I'd have chosen but that's better than nothing.

I love that movie, and I love SNL. Thank you all so much.

Stay safe and have a very happy holiday.

Yeah, Paul!