All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E09.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Ladies and
gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks.
Thank you, surviving crew members.

Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live
planned to do our big Christmas show

and adopt a new member into the Five
Timers Club.

But COVID came early this year.

So, in the interest of safety, we do not
have an audience

and we sent home our cast, most of our
crew, but I came here from California

and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000
miles and not be on TV,

well, you got another thing coming. And I
am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

Yeah. Clapping by myself.
Making the weirdness festive.

Yes, I am here and this is not the
smallest audience I’ve ever performed for

because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tina, another Five Timer.
Thank you for joining me.

As you know,
I started the Five Timers Club.

Oh, like you started COVID.

Exactly. And tonight, we plan
to welcome Paul Rudd to the club

and we are not going to let this stop us.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

Good to see you, kiddo.

Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank
you for coming. Thanks for coming.

I’m extremely disappointed.

Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Well, it’s not all that bad.

People magazine just named you the most
sexist man of the Year.

Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Okay, right, yeah.

Well, there was a whole show
planned.

And I just can’t believe I’m not
going to get my Five Timer jacket.

Or will you?

Here to bestow this great honor is the
longest tenured cast member,

Mr. Kenan Thompson.

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Where is everybody?

Kenan, having you heard?

Heard what? About
the thing that’s going around?

- Yeah, COVID.
- Well, is that real?

- Yeah, it’s real.
- I’m just kidding. Come on.

We’re having a good time. Congratulations
on hosting the show four and half times.

Oh! Look at that.
It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Yeah, Lorn’s
getting really good.

Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the
Five Timer experience you were hoping for,

but someone did pre record a very special
message just for you.

Can we roll that?
Let’s roll that.

Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight.
I just want to congratulate Tom...

...Paul Rudd...

- I’m a huge fan of Tom...
- Paul Rudd.

- and Tom...
- Paul Rudd...

- did one of my favorite movies, Forest...
- Ant-man.

It’s Paul Rudd.

Oh look, it’s Martin Short. You
remember the Five Timers Club?

- Right?
- No.

- How many times have you hosted?
- Three.

- So congratulations, Tom...
- Paul Rudd...

Oh, wow. Thanks.

I just thought that was great.

And don’t worry, we still
have a great show for everybody,

including brand new sketches taped earlier
this week.

And we were also going to show
some of our personal

favorite sketches
from past episodes.

Yeah, it’s gonna be a little
bit like a new Beatles documentary.

A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff
that you’re like,

Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.

So, get us started
Mr. Sexy Five Timer.

Okay. Well.
This first piece, I shot on Thursday night

with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon.
It’s about holiday gifts.

- You look gorgeous.
- You too.

Evelyn, Eileen, welcome.

We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial.
We know how much you love home goods.

- Yeah, we sure do.
- Yeah, maybe too much.

I’m the director, Casey Home Goods.
And I got this job on merit.

Okay.

Anyway, it can be hard to know what
to get moms for the holidays.

That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what
they actually want. Think you can do that?

- Well, I should think so.
- Yeah, I think we can handle that.

Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl.

And action.

Okay moms, what do you want
for the holidays?

- Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.
- Don’t spend too much.

No, really? What would you like?

- Maybe... No, I don’t know.
- Just a small... Nothing.

Seriously. You can be honest.
What do you really want?

- Grandchildren.
- Grandchildren.

Okay, sure. But what
do you want this year?

- Grandchildren.
- Grandchildren.

What about something
from Home Goods?

- Grandchildren.
- Grandchildren.

- A son for my son.
- Five grandchildren.

I think we’ve got grandchildren.
Maybe we could just branch out.

A fuzzy blanket to
swallow grandchildren.

Closer.

- Um, oh, a cake stand.
- Hey, there you go.

With grandchildren on top.

Can you just say sweater?

- Why?
- Just to have it.

- Baby sweater.
- Okay. Just sweaters.

Just baby.

Cut.

Okay, so the thing about Home Goods is
that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

- That sounds like a you problem.
- Yeah, can you check in the back?

- No.
- Well, sorry.

Well, I mean,
we’ve never been actor before.

Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want
out loud before.

So that feels pretty
good.

I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try
gifts for somebody else. All right?

Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best
place for family gifts.

What’s on your
list this year?

I want Kelsey
to be full of my son.

- I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.
- Oh my God.

I want her daughter fertilized.

I want them to do
the naked marriage dance.

Fulfill the wedding promise.

I want the baby to come out of
Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Items that cost money.

Scissors to cut holes
in condoms to give to Kelsey.

What? No!

Candles to light around the living room so
they make grandchildren on the carpet.

- You sell oysters here?
- No, of course not.

- I feel like I bought oysters.
- Cut.

Look, you two are some of our
biggest Home Goods shoppers.

Just today, you bought hand soap that
smells like wine,

8×10 canvas with the
word encourage on it.

A good reminder.

You know what? I’m just gonna feed
you some things that we do sell.

And then you just say them back. Alright?

- Crockpot.
- Toddler.

- Apron.
- Grandson.

- Nope. Milk frother.
- Milk daughter.

- Christmas wreath.
- Boy named Keith.

- Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.
- Many magic children faster.

- Coffee table book.
- No.

Cut.

I don’t know why you guys
are so hung up on grandchildren.

Casey. Do you have kids?

No, no way. Too much
responsibility. I mean, kids are cute.

It’s nice to see them every once in a
while. But not all the time.

Yes.

Sure, it'd be fun to take a little scamp
who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel.

Say good job when she does cartwheels on
my lawn.

- Yeah. Say it.
- Oh my God.

- I want grandchildren.
- Yes!

Grandchildren are amazing.
They don’t blame you for anything.

They just play clarinet and get into
college. I want them.

I want to take them to the Science
Museum

and buy them a necklace in the
gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

I want to say something weird that makes
them consider

having a confrontation with me.

And then do the math on how long I have
and decide not to bother.

Yeah. I want to have weird
opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

- Yes, it’s the wrong shape.
- You guys are right. I’m sorry.

It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing]
Oh, that’s me.

- Hello?
- Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

- We did it!
- It’s happening!

- Yes!
- Kelsey!

Homegoods, attagirl, Kelsey.

One of my other favorite SNL Christmas
memory is running getting to skate

down at the Rockefeller Center rink
at Goodnight's.

And the only person who could really skate
was Kenan.

Mighty Ducks forever.

Now, we all know Andy and Justin
Timberlake are perfect

in this next Christmas classic.

But please also take in Maya and Kristin’s
performances as sultry R'n'B video ladies.

Here’s Dick in a Box.

Hey, girl. I got something real important
to give you. So, just sit down and listen.

Girl, you know we been together,
such a long, long time.

Such a long time.

And now I’m ready,
to lay it on the li-ine.

Wow, you know it’s Christmas,
and my heart is open wide

Gonna give you something, so you know
what’s on my mind.

A gift real special,
so take off the top.

Take a look inside,
it’s my d**k in a box.

Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don’t mean anything

Not gonna get you a fancy car

Girl, you gotta know you’re my shining
star

Not gonna get you a house in the
hills

A girl like you needs something real
I want to get you something from the heart

Something special, girl.

It’s my d**k in a box!
In a box, baby.

It’s my d**k in a box!
My d**k in a box, girl.

See, I’m wise enough to know when
a gift needs giving, girl

And I’ve got just the one

Something to show you that you are second
to none.

To all the fellas out there,
with ladies to impress

It’s easy to do, just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box.

2. Put your junk in that box.

3. Make her open the box.

And that’s the way you do it.

It’s my d**k in a box!

My d**k in a box, baby.
It’s my d**k in a box!

Oo-oo-ooh, my d**k in a box, girl.

- Christmas.
- A d**k in a box.

- Hanukkah.
- A d**k in a box.

- Kwanzaa.
- A d**k in a box.

Every single holiday, a d**k in a box.

Over at your parents house,
a d**k in a box

Meat Day at the grocery store,
a dick in a box.

Backstage at the CMAs,
a dick in a bo-o-o-o-o-x

Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Every Christmas, we find ourselves
returning to the old black and white

Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol,
It’s a Wonderful Life,

or if you’re Pete Davidson, Raging Bull.

On that note, here’s a piece we finished
filming at 5am this morning,

An evening with Pete.

It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey Day,
Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd,

Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson,
and Colin Jost... sort of.

Alright, Pete. You still got it baby.

You’re the champ. You could still
do update with the best of them.

Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

I’ll be there in six.

Good evening. I’m Colin Jost.

Here with his thoughts on the state of the
world is our resident young person,

Pete Davidson.

Thank you. Thank you.

As you know, I am from Staten Island.

Do you guys know the difference between
Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island?

One’s full of a bunch of morons who are
stuck there for the rest of their lives.

And another one’s an old TV show.

Do Chad.

Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Come on. Just do Chad.

You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It
takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Come on! Just do it.

Alright, fine. You want Chad,
I’ll do Chad.

Okay.

Pete Davidson, everyone.

Hi, my name is... what?
my name is... who?

my name is... wicked wicked warn baby

Who exactly is the audience for this?

I don’t know. God,
he’s sweating like a pig.

Yeah. He eats a whole turkey
before coming on stage every night.

God.

Hey, boss. Some guy is
outside saying he knows you.

He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s
the right for you or something like that.

Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin.
I brought you a Christmas present.

I’ve never seen
him before in my life.

But Pete, we shared an office together.

I wrote all your updates and
your sketches for you.

I stayed up all night
while you were at the Knicks games.

What do you want? A medal? Get out
of here, you bum! Shut the door.

It’s okay, Pete. It’s good
to see you. Just text me whatever.

Thank you. Thank you. Next,

I’d like to do a song with my dear friend,
Machine Gun Kelly.

I’ll take the first verse.

So there I was completely dressed as
the Grinch about to get into

a fight with
that no neck guy from nin...

That's great, I gotta go actually.

Oh. Okay. How about you ladies?
Would you like another drink?

- Cold night, huh?
- Yeah.

Pete?

Come on, bud. We have
a lot of catching up to do.

You guys know how I was a famous
sex symbol for reasons no one

could understand. This is the guy who came
up with that. He told me to do that.

Seriously? How did
you come up with that?

Well, I woke up in the middle of the
night, and I jotted it down.

The rest is history.

Was it also his idea of to like
cover your body in tattoos

and painfully
removed them one by one?

Sure.

Listen, Eddy. I know he never got
the credit he deserved.

So, I want you to have this.
It’s one of my Oscars.

Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime
Achievement Award.

- Pete, where did you get this?
- Do you want it or not?

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, folks, it’s been a great night.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

And remember, it’s not Christmas without
fireworks and hot dogs.

That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Yeah, that’s right.

Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show,
which means it’s time for me to say...

Goodbye for now,
we’ll see each other again

You know that I'm always near,

You know that I’ll be waiting here for you

Waiting for you

The Pete Davidson Show

This next sketch is one my favorite
Christmas sketches.

Not only because I loved seeing sweet,
innocent, Vanessa Bayer as a naughty elf,

but I remember how much fun it was being
in the office when I told our writers

about this idea. That’s what I love about
this place.

People making stuff that
really makes them laugh.

So here’s Santa and his Elves.

With only a fortnight left till Christmas,
Santa’s elves were hard at work

making toys for children all over the
world. Or were they?

Ding dong ding, with a little
ding dong. Ho-ho-ho.

Time to see how the
Christmas toys are coming along.

Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no
wheels. And this dolly needs a head.

Elves, up here.

Santa, you beckoned us.

Is there something
we can do for you?

It sounded urgent, so
we came right away, sir.

These toys are not complete and we are on
a tight schedule.

Oh, no! We are so sorry.

- Oh, we let you down big time.
- We totally goofed.

You certainly did. I’m so
disappointed.

Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like,
show us who’s the boss now. Right?

Right, Santa?
Like, show us who’s in charge?

Yeah, um, otherwise
how will we ever learn?

Me, I learn through discipline.

Whatever do you mean!

I don’t know. Some kind of
punishment.

It could be bodily, like,
something with my body.

We have very few limits.
Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

I don’t even know what you
silly elves are talking about.

I will be back at first day light and I
expect

this table to be filled with toys,
understand?

- Yes, Santa.
- Yes sir.

You got it.

Good morning, elves. How are the toys
co... What? You haven’t done a thing.

I know. We are
so bad.

I guess it’s time to teach us our
lesson.

What?

We deserve it. We’re not fit to
lick your boot.

But we’ll do it... if you force us
to.

Alright. Oh!

Oh, are you fed up, Santa?
Well, I get it.

If I were you, I would just pull down my
little green pants and go to town on me.

Yeah, maybe then
we’d stop making mistakes.

Speaking of mistakes,

I just dropped
a gumdrop. Whoops!

Better go get it.

Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa?
Maybe you need to take charge of that.

Hmm, you elves are skating
on think ice.

Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now.

Why don’t you unzip your big red
suit and walk around in just your boots?

Stop around and let your hairy
belly bounce all over the place?

Yeah, and then there would be no
question who would be in charge. Right?

Good old Saint dick... Nick! Sorry!

Can you please just make
some toys?

Oh, look at what I found, Santa.
A candle.

Is this to drop wax
on our privates with?

You better put jingle bells in
our mouths... coz we’re screamers!

Yeah. And when you’re
done, you can snow all over us.

Okay! Enough! Guys, guys! Enough. Come on,
now! Give me a break.

3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally
torn into all of you.

But look, I am not that guy anymore.

And after you wake up in a bunch of weird
beds with people you don’t

even remember meeting, you start to want
something more.

And that is when I really
became Santa.

Does this mean you’re not gonna do
anything?

Oh, he’ll do something, but only
with me. Right, big guy?

You heard her. She
is the real boss around here.

That’s very sweet.

Yeah, thanks for
sharing that with us.

I think I needed to hear that.

Now, alright you guys. Finish
your toys and then pack up your elf junk.

You’re all fired! Take care.

- Oh man!
- Oh man! Come on.

I miss when Christmas was worry
free. When there was no pandemic.

And the scariest thing we were worried
about was global warming.

Back in the day, we thought this was a
huge deal.

But then it all just magically
disappeared.

What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s
still bad. Ah, well, in that case,

here’s one of my favorite sketches from my
fifth time hosting in 1991.

It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special,
with Carl Sagan.

Starring Kirstie Alley,

Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago
Institute of Meteorological Studies,

funnyman Louie Anderson,

Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief
Atmospheric Physicist from the

World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and
many, many more.

And now, here he is,
Carl Sagan!

Good evening, and welcome to my
first Global Warming Christmas Special.

It’s a tradition which I fear will
continue for years to come, because,

the way things are going, global warming
will be around for a long time.

Now, here’s someone else who’s been around
for a long time,

a man who’s hosted many a
Christmas show himself, Mr. Dean Martin.

Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will
prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Hello there, Carl.

You just show me where the cue cards and
we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Okay, Dean,
because after all..

The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.

When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the...

Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million

mostly due to the fossil fuel, consumption
and horizon other trace gases.

Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..

Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not cho,
that’s C-H-O-H,

a base molecule for all chlorofloral
carbons.

I wish you’d shown up for
rehearsal.

Well, it sure looks like
cho to me, Professor!

Well, perhaps we should
simply proceed to the final refrain.

Oh, lead the way!

‘Cause you just can’t
tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!

Thank you.

Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in
an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Oh now, hold on there,
Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Well, Dean, if you’d paid
attention to the lyrics you just sang,

you’d realize that in a greenhouse
climate, the chief precipitant'd be rain.

Ooh, that ain’t right!

Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the
greenhouse-affected Christmas tree.

Shall we?

Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at
the world’s largest Christmas tree

in our
new twisted eco-system.

Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

And look who’s here trimming
the tree.

It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter,
Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

- Carl, can I say something?
- Please.

We can’t allow this to happen.

Won’t you
please, please send money...

to wherever... money is sent... to fix

this terrible... tree thing... Please!

Thank you, Sally. Thank you.

So you see, folks, if the poles continue
to melt as they are,

we’ll all be in hot
water!

Well, now, what about the folks like me,
who already live in the desert?

Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas
will one day rise to 156 degrees,

making it uninhabitable and rendering such
landmarks

as the Aladdin Hotel stark
monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

- Ooh, well what about Tahoe?
- It’ll be fine.

Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic,

Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction
writer Isaac Asimov.

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
just in holiday style

In the air, there’s
a feeling Christmas

- Silver bells
- Tiny silver bells

- Silver bells
- Tiny silver bells

It’s Christmas
time in the city!

Wha... Hey! What’s this?

I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize
that global warming

is the theme of this special. However,
fur is indeed murder!

You got paint
in my hair, you nerd! God!

Now, then, it’s time for the
traditional gift exchange.

And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle
Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do
our part, ’cause you know,

it’s global warming, it’s madness!

You know, it’s killing us! You know, the
other day I said to Linda,

We’re losing the bloody planet! And after
the planet, what have you got?

You can’t live in the sky or in the sun!
There’s nowhere to stand!

You know, you’d just be falling all the
time, and then what have you got?

I mean, think about it, you know?

You could bring a chair, so that you could
have a sit.

But if you think that chair’s
not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong.

‘Cause it will, and then what have you
got?

You’re right back where you started,
standing in the sun without a chair.

- Thank you, Paul.
- It’s bloody madness!

Come on,
let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts
have been altered

by our environmental
neglect.

Oh yeah, yeah. You sound
like a broken record!

Now, which one is mine?

Okay, here you go, Dean.
It’s peanut brittle.

Oh, man, I love
the peanut brittle now...

Oh, wait,
hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

In the atmosphere greenhouse
of tomorrow, molasses-based candies

will liquify, even on the mildest days.

It’s madness, I tell you!

People,
we can’t let this happen!

Mmm, well, it’s not bad!

What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!

Oh, sorry...

Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but
now

it’s time for a special Christmas message
from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

Hello, everyone. Does my
tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should.

What you’re looking at is the tan of the
future.

Unless America changes it ways, when I
look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon,

and I see the ravages that ozone depletion
has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin,

I think, My God, what have these fools
done?

For those of my generation, for John
Derek, Bob Guccione, it may be too late.

But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For
the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’?

Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can
they expect?

Certainly not a healthy, golden tan.
Not even a tawny bronze.

The best they can hope for is a light
cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

Now, we will enjoy a rendition
of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,

by my colleague Ralph Nader.

Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very
nice! Now, you’re a nice fella,

but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a
real Christmas show!

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Vogue Gold Diggers!

Mr. Dom DeLuise!

Miss Petula Clark!

Well, now, boy, boy,
what did you think there?

Interesting. It harks back to
a time when Christmas specials

were wasteful and excessive.

Oh, that’s right. Oh, Lydia? Take
care of my friend here.

Thank you, Dean!

Don’t mention it.
We’ll be right back!

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

- Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.
- I’m Tina Fey

Okay, so this is the part of the
show where we would normally do Update

and Tina was gonna do update with me
because Colin is not here tonight.

It’s not what you think.
He’s having worked done.

So, we thought we’d read
these dumb jokes anyway,

and just see if
we can make these guys laugh.

Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks,
are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

- I’d rather you did.
- Okay.

And can we confirm that
you have never heard these jokes before?

Not a one. Except the
two you blew in the rehearse.

- Okay, great.
- Perfect.

Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with
some good news, Tina.

O.J. Simpson has been released from parole
two months early because of good behavior.

Said O.J., I can’t believe I got out of
parole early but I did it. I did it.

Time Magazine has named Elon
Musk person of the year.

You can read more about it on your phone
while your Tesla

is self driving you into
a lake.

It was revealed that on
January 6, three Fox News hosts

all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get
Trump to call off his supporters.

And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox
News is like,

Somebody better calm these
white people down.

This week marks the one year
anniversary of the first person in the US

to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to
do was lying about being a nurse.

I blew it again!

Mayor elect Eric Adams has
selected New York City’s first ever

female police commissioner,

which means policing is about to get a lot
more passive aggressive.

There’s more. You wanna hear the other
part? Instead of stop and frisk,

they’re gonna go through your phone while
you’re in the shower.

German police...

German police have broken up a
plot by anti vaxxers

to kill a local official over vaccine
mandates.

It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s
two favorite things, violence and rules.

Hanks likes that one.
Because it’s about Germans.

A judge in Louisiana took a leave of
absence after she was caught on video

using the N word, which is the kind of
story that makes me wonder

why are me and Kenan
the only cast members here?

You know what I'm saying?

One of the creators of the
original Nintendo Entertainment System

has died at the age of 78 after doctors
made multiple attempts

to blow on him and
stick him back in.

Texas police arrested a woman after she
tried to hide inside of a refrigerator.

So, congratulations to the fat cop who
decided to

check out the fridge during the
raid.

NASA announced that for the
first time in history a spacecraft

has touched the sun by flying through its
upper atmosphere,

NASA was finally able to complete the
impossible mission by going at night.

- That’s smart.
- It’s a thinker.

- That’s smart.
- It’s a thinker.

After 37 players in the NFL
tested positive in one day,

the league is mandating booster shots for
coaches and some team personnel.

And hopefully the Jets booster shots will
come with a little bit of steroids.

The FDA said it will permanently
allow people to get abortion pills

through the mail which means your pill
should arrive

just in time for your
child’s first birthday.

Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks.

Dozens of camels were disqualified
from Saudi Arabia’s

annual camel beauty contest because they
got botox and facelifts

to make them more attractive.
But hey man,

we ain’t looking at their faces.
Am I right?

- Look at his face!
- You’re killing me.

The Jacksonville Jaguars fired
head coach Urban Meyer

hours after being
accused of kicking a player.

Worse, the player was somehow returned
for a touchdown.

Bakers in Massachusetts have
created the world’s largest pot brownie

weighing 850 pounds.

They came up with the idea after eating
the world’s second largest pot brownie.

A Florida man was kicked off a
plane for wearing women’s underwear

as a facemask because federal law requires
you to at least put in a maxi pad.

That one stays.

It was reported that Bruce Springsteen
sold the rights for his music catalog

for more than $500 million.

So, hopefully he finally has money to move
out of New Jersey.

An ethics panel has ordered
Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million

in profits he earned from the book he
wrote about the pandemic.

Said Cuomo, Okay, but you got to reach
down in my pocket

and take it out yourself, sweetheart.

For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

I’m Michael Che.
Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

You know, Christmas is a time
of charity and giving.

And that was the
inspiration for this next music video,

which I shot yesterday morning, with Kyle
Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Heidi Gardner,

Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat,

and what should have been tonight’s
musical guests Charlie XCX.

It’s a heartfelt Christmas song about a
magical moment between a boy

and a strange
man at a department store. Enjoy.

It was almost Christmas Day
There I stood in line to pay

At the big department store
Christmas time’s become a chore

Standing right in front of me
Six year old waiting nervously

When I saw him I was shocked
In his hands he held a pair of socks.

Said I want to buy these socks
for my dear old mom

It’s Christmas and they’d be the perfect
socks

It’s been a real tough year,
See we got a bird

and it looks as if the bird has flown away

The boy was low on cash
so I helped him out,

but then I had to ask about this bird.

Tell me about the bird.

Did it say any words

or was it just one of those quiet birds?

I guess I’d say quiet bird
never heard a word

just a bird that we got at the store

Well, I once had a bird
it never squawk to said hello

to me that’s kind of a waste of a bird

Hey, I’m sorry guys
but there’s a big old line

can you please give me the money for the
socks?

Oh, hey, that’s my bad
go ahead, little boy

buy your mom these perfect socks.

But wait before you do,
quick question for you

did you have a name for your bird?

Great question, sir.

We had a name for our bird

and that name was TJ Rocks.

TJ Rocks,
that’s an interesting name.

Sounds like she was one of a kind.

I’m sorry. Can you move this conversation
someplace else?

Yeah. Is he gonna
pay for the Christmas socks?

Oh, yeah.

- There you are my son.
- Jesus.

I’ve been looking for you

I have some news about TJ Rocks

Is it good news or bad?

What would you say it like that?

Tell me what is up with TJ rocks?

I’d like to know too.

Hi, I haven’t met you

I am friends with your son

Well, I don’t like that,
but back to the news

TJ Rocks is back and started a band

- I am TJ Rocks
- So, she does talk.

These are the Junk Yard Boys

and we would like to play a song for you.

Two, three, four!

I took a bus to the lay and a gock with
the Junk Yard Boys

TJ Rocks, TJ Rocks,

We got rich and famous,
we would wanna spend Christmas with you.

[everybody is clapping]
TJ, you’re back.

I love you, little boy.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Oh, sweetie.

One more thing.

Will you marry me?

Of course.

That’s the story of Christmas socks.

Growing up, Saturday Night Live
had a huge impact in my life.

Like so many others, I idolize
Steve Martin.

As a kid, I would memorize his sketches
and perform them for my friends at school.

They hated it.

I have a vivid memory of the night Steve
Martin’s Holiday Wish aired.

It blew me away.

I memorized as soon as I could
and performed it

in Mrs. Shipley’s speech class not
realizing how lame that actually is.

So if any of my friends from High School
are watching,

you’re gonna have to hear
this one more time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve Martin.

If I had one wish that I could wish this
holiday season,

it would be for all the children of the
world to join hands

and sing together in
the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could wish for
this holiday season,

the first would be for all the children of
the world to join hands

and sing in the
spirit of harmony and peace.

And the second would be for $30 million a
month to be given to me,

tax-free in a
Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I
could make this holiday season,

first, of course, would be for all the
children to get together and sing.

The second would be for the $30 million
every month to me.

And the third would be for all
encompassing power

over every living being
in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make
this holiday season,

first would be the crap about the kids,

second would be for the $30 million, the
third would be for all the power.

And the fourth would be to set aside one
month each year

to have an extended 31-day orgasm,

to be brought about slowly by Rosanna
Arquette and that model Paulina somebody,

I can’t think of her name, of course my
lovely wife could come, too.

She’s behind me 100% on this,
I guarantee you.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should
be the first wish!

If I made that the first wish because, you
know, it could all go boom tomorrow,

and then what have you got?

No, no.. The kids singing would be great,
that would be nice.

But wait a minute, who am I kidding!

I mean, they’re not gonna be able to get
all those kids together!

I mean, the logistics of the thing is
impossible!

It’s more trouble than it’s worth!
So, we reorganize: here we go.

First, the sex thing, we go with that;
second, the money. No!

We go with the power second, then the
money, and then the kids.

Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge
against my enemies!

Okay, revenge against all my enemies,
they should die like pigs in Hell!

That would be the fourth wish!

And of course, my fifth wish would be for
all the children of the world

to join hands and sing in the spirit of
peace and harmony.

Thank you, everybody.
Merry Christmas.

One of my favorite parts of SNL is having
ridiculously talented people

playing ridiculously stupid roles.

Paul McCartney playing Monty the Triangle
Player in this holiday pageant sketch

with Martin Short is exactly that.

So, this yearm you be the stuffing,

and I'll be the Christmas goose.

Yes!

Thank you, Reggie. But I don't think
that's the song we're looking for

to end our Sweetwater Community Center
Christmas pageant.

Well, can I have a reason?

Well, for one, it's confusing, I mean if
you're the goose and she's the stuffing,

does that mean she's shoved inside of you?

Well, I do not know, because I did not
give it any thought.

- Well, we appreciate your efforts.
- And I appreciate them as well!

Oh, boy! Okay, who's next?

That is the singing duo,
Caleb and Monty.

Hello.
I am...

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

I am Caleb and this is Monty.
But a quick correction,

we are not a singing duo. I'm the singer,
and Monty plays the triangle.

Which is for the best, because you don't
wanna hear Monty sing.

- I like to sing.
- Be quiet. Just stop it!

Be quite right now.
You are not to sing today.

You are only here because
we are cousins through marriage.

Now, do you remember your queue?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

This song is an original composition
called 'Holiday time, holiday cheer'.

And there you go, I'm
assuming you read music.

Two, three, four!

Holiday time, holiday cheer

Holiday where? Holiday here.

It's my favourite time of the year.
I'm on a train!

It's my favourite time of the year.

And I've been playing and slaying
and hooling about

And I've been snapping and rapping
and having a show!

And when you hear ding-a-ling,
that's you!

When I hear ding-a-ling...
That's your queue, Monty!

When I go ding-a-ling...
You hit the triangle when I say that.

Ding-a-ling-ling.
Now!

- Okay.
- Not. Can you do it?

Good, very good.

- Now can I sing?
- No, no!

You don't sing because you can't sing!

If you could sing,then you'd sing,
but you can't sing.

I have the million dollar voice
and you are a lump!

I'm going to take it from the top,
if I might.

Or, you know, we could just tell you right
now we're not gonna use your song.

Oh, please! I need this!
I need this so bad!

And when the ding-a-ling happens at the
right place is one heck of a song.

It really is.

Okay, fine, fine.
You can do it again.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Two, three, four!
Holiday time...

What are doing?

You moron!

- I wanna sing.
- You wanna sing?

You wanna sing? That's the way you treat
me? Is that right?

After everything I did for you!

Do you know where I found him when we were
supposed to be rehearsing?

He was stuck in a tree.

- I was chasing a bird.
- I hate you, Monty!

I hate you so much!

I quit!
I quit.

Best of luck to your solo career.

One of my favorite SNL cast members of all
time is Eddie Murphy.

When he came back to host in 2019, I was
watching it from home.

My favorite sketch from that show was when
Eddie played, and I quote,

“A black elf in sweatpants.” Here is Eddie
Murphy in North Pole News Report.

This is a North
Pole News special report.

Good evening.
I’m Rick Sugarplum.

Breaking news tonight of an incident which
led to a fire at Santa’s workshop

in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie
is live at the scene.

Donnie, what’s going on and
will it affect Christmas?

Well, Rick, what we know is there was a
fire caused by a knocked over

licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the
workshop.

But no word yet as to what they were
fleeing from.

Still looking for answers here.

I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole
thing walking from the candy can depo.

I saw the whole thing.

Okay, it looks like we have an eyewitness
here. What’s your name sir?

It doesn’t matter what my name is.
I’ve seen what happened.

A polar bear got into the workshop and
started eating elves.

I don’t know those elves and I don’t work
with those elves

but those elves are gone.

Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear
got inside the workshop?

Yes. I believe he is. But there is an
electrified fence around the perimeter.

It don’t matter about the electrified
fence. The bear came right through fence

and it looked just like Jurassic Park.
It just ran through the fence.

These bears are out there and they’re
hungry because of global worming,

and they smelled that fresh elf meat and
went crazy.

The bears are coming for us,
you all. Ah!

Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word
on who might have been injured?

Well no, official
casualties have been confirmed.

I can confirm them now.
Look at this leg.

I found this lying on the ground down
there. They’re dead.

Bears are popping
elves in their mouths like skittles.

Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole.
Party shoes and all!

Donnie, looks like this could be far worse
than originally thought.

Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate

as to how serious it is without official
word.

Let me break it down for
you. I tell you how bad it is.

This teenage white elf girl ran out to me,

a black elf in sweat pants and asked her
to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

- My friends are still in there.
- Girl, they dead.

Where’s Santa?
That’s what I want to know.

Santa supposed to be here and he’s no
where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

No, it’s not. Please do
not announce that, sir.

Thanks for the info.
What’s your name again in.

It don’t matter what my name is.

Okay, well responses are already pouring
in from the magical being community.

The Tooth Fairy via Instagram moments ago.

Wings heavy with despair this evening.

Sending my thoughts and prayers to the
North pole. Some moving words there.

That bitch sounds crazy!

We don’t need thoughts and prayers.
How about some guns and ammunition?

Some bear traps, cause more bears are
coming.

And their eating good won't stay
a secret for long.

We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small
and we’re adorable and we’re chewable.

Okay. Thank you, sir.
We’re good with you. Oh, Rick!

Here comes an elf who just emerged from
the workshop. Ma'am!

Santa knew. He knew that fence was
old and he didn’t replace it

because it cost 5,000 more gum drops
than he wanted.

Our pepper mint blood is
one your hands.

Listen to this sexy ass
elf right here.

When polar bear are in town, the fattest
man in the North Pole

is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty
convenient. Don’t you think?

We’re just scratching at the surface of
this thing. #Santaknew.

Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you
very much. And what is your name again?

It don’t matter what
my name is. It don’t matter.

It does matter
for our viewers, please.

All right. My name is Kittle Diddles.

I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t
like to say.

Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait!

Rick, I think I hear something. It's very
faint. I think it is singing.

Hey, that ain’t
no damn singing. That’s a bear!

The bears are coming back!
The bears are coming back!

I’ve been lucky enough to host a couple
different Christmas Shows,

and over the years I’ve found myself
asking the question:

“What makes a great Christmas show
sketch?” It needs to be funny,

and Christmasy, sure. But above all else,
it needs to be true.

And this next sketch is the truest sketch
I’ve ever been a part of.

In fact, it’s more of a documentary than
anything.

It is who I am, laid bare across
the screen.

I give you, Adult One Direction Fan.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you!

Hi.

Oh, my Gosh.
We love One Direction!

My favorite is Liam because
he's really cute.

I got so star struck, I almost fainted.

Do I love One Direction?

I don't know.
Is Liam's favorite color purple?

Ha ha. It is.

Did you know that Liam is afraid of
spoons? Isn't he the craziest?

Yeah, like, how does he eat
soup?

You're hilarious.
I like you.

On the count of three, what was
the name of Louis' first dog.

- Ted!
- You didn't count.

I'm gonna marry Zayn.

You know what? I absolutely hate to tell
you this, but you're not.

'Cause I know what Zayn's into,
and it's definitely not you.

- Do you want to marry him?
- No, I have a wife and kids.

Don't talk to me like that.
I'm an adult.

You're weird.

Who's your favorite?

I like Niall 'cause he has
blonde hair.

That's funny, because Niall's a natural
brunette. He dyes his hair.

Oh, oh, oh you don't know your basic
facts, no, no.

Hey, you know what song of
theirs I love?

- What?
- "Eyes like fire."

- That's not a song.
- It should be.

- I wrote it for One Direction.
- I bet they won't like it.

I say "Harry," you say
"Styles"!

- Harry!
- Styles!

I say "One Di," you say
"rection"!

- Harry!
- Styles!

- Harry!
- Styles!

Hello?

My wife just had a baby.

Let's name him Zayn.

Wait, wait, wait. Is he playful?

Let's name him Niall.

1D, 1D, 1D!

Oh, my God! It's them!

Hi. Oh, my God. Harry.

Um, would you guys sign this?

- Is this for your daughter?
- Yes.

Aw, you're a great dad.
What's her name?

- Her name is Dan Charles.
- That's a really pretty name.

- Is there somewhere to sign?
- Oh, yeah, here.

Sign it all over my back.

There.

This next piece is from the Christmas show
of season 39.

It's one of my favorite sketches done by
one of my favorite people.

This is Jimmy Fallon in
'Now that's what I call Christmas'.

Nothing gets us in the holiday spirit like
music.

Wouldn't you like to hear all your
favorite Christmas classics

sung by today's hottest stars?
Well, now you can.

It's "now that's what I call Christmas,"

with legendary performers like Michael
Bublé.

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
overpronouncing all the words

Yeah!

Shakira.

Ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o
ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o

ha-lee-o, lee-o, way-o
it's time for Santa Claus

Zooey Deschanel.

I'll have a cute Christmas
without you

With spoken word from professor Snape
himself, Alan Rickman.

Have a holly, jolly
Christmas.

It's the best time of the year.

And a special Christmas verse
from DMX.

Come on!
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, what?!

Had a very shiny nose
Yeah! Yeah!

And if you saw it, what?!
You would even say it glows

Plus, blasts from the past,
like Guns'n'Roses' Axl Rose.

And Santa won't deliver presents
in the cold December rain

And don't forget
Andrea Bocelli.

I saw mommy kissing
Santa Claus

oh, mommy, oh, mommy, why
would you?

You are still married to
dadd-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Thank you.
Thanks.

And some special Christmas duets,

like Alanis Morissette and Billie Joe
Armstrong.

He's fat but he's happy
he's old but he's kind

he's nice 'cause he's Santa,
baby

'cause he's got one hand in the...

And the other one's giving a
peace sign

And Lorde featuring
Harry Styles.

Christmas night

and it's early night
the sun is calm, sun is bright

And it wouldn't be the hottest Christmas
collection without Pit Bull...

Santa's in Miami.

...featuring Shakira.

Remember Santa,
you bring presentos

I give you cookies
and a glass of leche

uno, dos, tres, Christmas

"Now that's what I call Christmas,"
in stores now.

One of my favorite Christmas SNL
memories is from December 17th, 2005.

Jack bBlack was the host,
everyone was pumped.

My daughter, Alice, was three months old
at the time. And during the live show,

my friend Dale in the SNL wardrobe
department,

the most talented people on Earth, decided
to make Alice a little Christmas outfit.

So while the live show was going on, they
took a women's juicy coutour sweat suit

and cut it up and made this.

And while they were working on it, TV
Funhouse was playing on all the monitors

and I remember thinking, this is a really
good night.

This is TV fun house, 'Christmastime for
the Jews'. Am I allowed to say Jews?

Saturday TV funhouse

Come back here with my show!

On Christmas Eve, the gentiles gather
'round the Christmas tree.

They stay at home and party with their
goyishe family.

They disappear one day each year
and pass the egg nog 'round.

But it's all right 'cause that's
the night the Jews control the town.

Well, it happens every year
on Christmas Eve

All the happy Christian people
take their leave

Yeah, the streets are deserted
and that's big news

It's Christmastime for the
Jews

Yeah, the holiday party starts
about 6:00 p.m.

Ain't nobody re-creating
Bethlehem

Yeah, the three wise men,
that's a big old snooze

It's Christmastime for the
Jews

They can finally see "KIng Kong" without
waiting in line

They can eat in Chinatown
and drink the sweetest wine

They can crank Barbra Streisand on the
streets they cruise

Christmastime for the Jews

They can gang up on the quakers
Play for the Lakers

They can do what they wanna
Even blow off Madonna

Get a chance to drive a tractor
Win on "Fear Factor"

See "Fiddler on the Roof" with
actual Jewish actors

Now they really get the party
going after dark

Circumcising grateful
squirrels in the city park

Picking fights in the bar
knowing they can't lose

Christmastime for the Jews

Now it's nearly 10:30
Yes, it's time for bed

"Daily Show" rerun
dancing in their heads

Maybe next year, they'll learn
how to hold their booze

Christmastime for the Jews

Everyone

Christmastime for the Jews

Don't ya see now

Christmastime for the Jews

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's our show.

What a crazy week and an even
crazier day.

I want to thank Keenan Thompson, Michael
Che, Tina Fey

and Tom Hanks for being here
and helping me out.

I also want to thank all the cast, the
writers, the crew and of course,

Charlie XCX for working so hard this week
under such stressful circumstances.

I know it wasn't the Christmas show that
you expected, but that's

the beauty of this place.
Like life, it's unpredictable.

As my good friend Tom Hanks once
said in a movie,

life is a like
a big weird chocolate bar.

Sometimes it's delicious. Other times it's
got that orange cream filling in it and

it's like, okay, it's not what I'd have
chosen but that's better than nothing.

I love that movie, and I love SNL.
Thank you all so much.

Stay safe and have
a very happy holiday.

Yeah, Paul!