Original subtitles

And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

I’m back.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci.

Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that?

When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.”

And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway.

As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe.

Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like,

I don’t know, 40% of Americans.

More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster,

you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to say unclench.

With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions.

Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff?

I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries,

I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets.

So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors.

They’re simply nerds who are trying their best.

And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

I actually can’t find it.

You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

I’m afraid so.

Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Okay! And scene.

No, no, no.

That’s not right. You can get a replacement card... I think.

The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted.

And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash.

Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays,

and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

No, no, no.

That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed.

I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look

a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Well, Santa...

Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore.

Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

- Really? - Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory.

And I am concerned about that particular man.

Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically.

Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene,

two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.

And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. No, no, no.

Unfortunately, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight

because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor,

some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood

but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

It’s pronounced Gan.

The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom.

- Do they think we’re dumb? - Please!

Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine.

Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. They said everyone should get it.

Then people got it and it saved their lives.

If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys.

We are still in the midst of a pandemic.

And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Not you. Not you.

That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Ted, what are you doing here?

Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Oh, textbook bad.

This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral.

Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016,

Bob Dole said that nobody likes me.

And this week, I got him back by not being infectious.

But imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you see is mine!

That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today.

CThis country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things.

We all want to spend time together with our families.

Or run it back solo to Cancún.

We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

- Family is all we have. - Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Maybe not.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Host and musical guest, Billie Eilish.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

Oh my God. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing?

I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish.

Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music,

you may know me from my hair or my clothes.

That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club.

But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I

got to go get married in an anime.

Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes.

There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style.

This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes

back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other

trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago.

But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever.

In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is

when I was little, I loved it.

My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas.

And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died.

I was nine.

And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life.

Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son.

She played the mom.

And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here.

I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

- I love you, honey. - Okay. Okay.

I love my mom. But that is true. It really happened.

It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas,

and oh my God, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas,

but my birthday is one week from today.

I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged.

But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now

starting to understand who I actually am as a person.

And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye

is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like

is who you are forever.

It’s not fair.

Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16?

No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost,

and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost.

Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are.

You’ll be so happy that you did.

I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting.

And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.”

That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.

- Hey, sweetie, how was work? - Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible.

We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential.

- You want to hear the deeds? - No thanks. But look what I did.

I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. Looks festive, right?

Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor.

Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children.

All in matching white shirts and jeans.

And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant.

I’m never not pregnant.

Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too.

I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality.

I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn.

As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is.

I wasn’t given a choice.

Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin.

Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of Smile Time Dental Partners.

You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

- Of course, you did. It’s stunning. - Stunning.

What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple

your wife is friends with?

As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog

you cannot believe is still alive.

Oh my God, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how.

All of which the vet prefaced with: I mean, what are we gaining?

Two, three months at the most?

Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity

at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

This woman came up to my table and said,

“You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it,

it was because I was racist.

That’s true. And I use that a lot.

So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and...

You don’t know my name? You racist.

Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people.

Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

That’s one of my mom’s friends.

Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend

who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby.

You’re now the drill.

Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation.

Last year I was on top of a mountain.

This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal?

Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow?

You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

- Oh, and you guys were friends? - Yeah.

No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell.

What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch.

Still richer than her and still married to my handsome

yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long

braggy list of what our family did this year.

Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks

and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards

make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you.

So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Wow, Harper seems real nice.

Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our

friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Thoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

It’s gonna cost $150,000. But how can you say no to this face?

Self defense 101. Now, if you got at perp coming at you front-wise,

what you wanna do is hit him right in the tennis balls.

And then you got the gun.

Okay, can we just talk about Blake lively’s dress for a second?

Y’all. When I say I literally died when I saw this dress. Like...

- What the hell are you doing? - Mom! I'm dance trapping...

Okay, so the Spider-Man No Way Home trailer is officially out.

It looks amazing!

“when ur so good at s3ggs he gets scared”

Okay, this is a day in my life as a mom to eight boys.

First I wake up, start cookin’. And once all my boys are fed,

it’s nighttime and I go to sleep.

Put a finger down if you ever hooked up in a hot-tub.

Put a finger down if you ever hooked up with a hot-tub.

Yooo, today’s throwback track is a deep cut for the old-heads out there.

Old town road by Lil Nas X...

I'm still thinking about Blake Lively's dress, y'all.

This is Homer Simpson ASMR.

Ooooh ya. Don...

This here is what you gotta do if you got a perp coming up from behind you.

Listen for the footsteps. Hey, who is that?

Yeah, okay, I got shot that time.

Fire fit check. Oooo check the Moana sketchers.

Ooo. They hard.

“when you finish ur homework in time to choke up ur sub”

I'm an island boy. I'm an island boy.

Hey, bud. Ya been scrolling a while now. Maybe take a break, sip some water.

Read any book. Talk to a human.

When it comes to success. I mean, who's got it hardest right now?

White guys.

I figured it out, y'all!

Blake Lively's dress is Illuminati false flag to distract us from the vaccine.

Evidence.

The Spencer trailer is out. Dang, Diana was really lonely!

You ever noticed when you're using the check-out line,

the self check-out line at the grocery store...

You suck!

Sorry.

When you finally ask out the cute quiet guy at school.

And he said yes.

And now you don't have to pretend anymore.

This is amazing!

When your favourite pacient pulls through.

And throws down.

Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Yes, miss Kitty.

Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing.

We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I

took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you.

- Now where’s our Joseph? - Right here, Miss Kitty.

Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

- A what? - A pimp walk.

Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk.

And you’re gonna work it down here.

Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees.

Oh, are they now?

Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk.

And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.”

- There, go, do it. - Okay, so like...

Pimp walk.

Come on. Pimp walk.

Pimp walk. Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there.

Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

- Yeah. To just face the wall? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Pimp walk.

Where are my donkeys at?

By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out.

Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop.

- And when you land I want booty booty. - Don’t you mean ass?

That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop.

It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, pop.

Trot, trot, pop. Trot, trot, pop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop.

How is no one filming this?

Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we

practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Excuse me? Twerking?

Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby.

- Are you in your diaper? - I mean, yeah.

Drop robe. Let’s go.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt?

We got to make him a butt quick.

Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby.

Hey! Cut it out!

- We’ll make you a butt, baby. - No, I don’t need one.

Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

- I’m not sure. - Wrong answer.

Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall.

Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Donkey, start popping.

Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

- Dinner in 10 minutes, Julie! - K, Dad!

Mom, can I have a friend over for Christmas dinner?

Of course, sweetie. The more the merrier!

Oh my God.

- No, no. - You have to take your medicine.

Mom, I think it might be, um, two friends actually.

Rutger, zip.

She’s making Rutger zip her up?

Dude.

Mom, don't get the door!

The Nextdoor.

This holiday season, know thy neighbor before you love thy neighbor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really bad at acting.

Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime.

It’s the worst stage hate crime since my all Christian production

of Fiddler on the Roof.

And in legal news, where someone definitely won’t get convicted,

Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James.

James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7th.

Come on, give the guy a break. I mean, that’s the day after his big anniversary.

According to a new report, a former staff member for vice president Kamala Harris

says that she often fails to read briefing material and is unprepared for meetings.

Well, you know, it feels really amazing to finally see someone

in the White House was just like me.

After the tree outside of Fox News headquarters was set on fire

by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host Ainsley Earhardt said

“This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.”

And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady

calling a homeless man Scrooge.

China responded after President Biden announced a diplomatic boycott

of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US will pay for its wrongdoing.

You wait and see. But America isn’t scared by your threats.

And even though NBC is broadcasting the Olympics,

they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind

about what the Chinese government is up to. So, you listen up...

Trump advisor Roger Stone, who draws his glasses on with a sharpie,

refused to cooperate with the committee investigating the January 6th attacks.

Those stones said he would be open to sitting in the corner

watching the committee take turns on his wife.

Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine

leading many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country.

And no offense to Ukraine, but why?

Is Russia running low on tracksuits and counterfeit cologne?

At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land

from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

The CDC believes the Omicron variant was first appearing in the US

during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn!

The one time they leave the house.

New York City will require all children over the age of five to show

proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue.

Because if there’s one thing a five year old can do,

it’s keep track of a small piece of paper.

After CNN fire Chris Cuomo has revealed that the former anchor

has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother.

“Well, those two are quite a pair,” said Cuomo to a female coworker.

Representative Devin Nunez seen here realizing a little came out on that one,

announced that he is leaving congress to become CEO of Trump’s new social

media company, which again just based on this photo will be called “SQRT”.

After two years, TSA expects family holiday gatherings,

to be back to pre pandemic levels.

Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family

and we got lots of holiday rules. Let’s start off with the most important, food.

Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived.

They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog.

You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease,

high blood pressure, or you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

- Damn! - No feet.

- He ain’t got no foot? - Nope.

That potato salad must be delicious.

It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle.

All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay.

He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc,

because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows.

And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.”

I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back.

Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses.

Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Well, do you want a baby?

I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever.

But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Because what if she turned out straight?

I don’t want my baby girl to get boned.

Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on!

If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like,

“Bitch I ain’t raised you like that.

Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

- Punkie, you can’t make your child gay. - Watch me.

From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper,

gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be,

“If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing holes in this house.”

There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Ma! I’m pregnant!

A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep.

“That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series

playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City,

in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.

A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun

for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell

said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have

sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.

It’s good. But do you get it?

NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the

Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy.

Oh, so that’s what that thing is.

A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers

make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?

A new study finds that if cats were humans,

their behavior would classify them as psychopaths.

While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.

Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of bread wine with

hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try.

A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England.

Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called

Sweet Hot Capital City Mumbo Sauce.

Coincidentally, Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce

is also what Jost calls rap music.

No! Once!

We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys.

Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals

is their own Andrew Dismukes.

Hey! Alright! Yeah!

Hey there, Colin. I’m just goofing.

Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.

- Thanks. - Yeah, it’s really cool.

And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today.

Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff.

And today, I brought my smartest friend, Bongo, the octopus.

Oh, yeah.

So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic.

In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups.

And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game

between the Packers and Bears.

Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?

Well, when I say go,

Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.

Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.

Alright. Are you ready, Bongo? Begin.

You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive.

They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.

Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.

Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?

Wait, what?

Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?

Bongo, what are you saying?

Andrew, I don’t think an octopus can just...

Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin.

Bongo. You see what man cannot.

Therefore I will accept my destiny.

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Wow. That’s really―

Wasn’t that amazing, Colin?

- Andrew, are you okay? - Yeah.

I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Do you want to stop the segment?

Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right?

My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog.

Here he comes. Okay, Taco. Let’s get Taco.

There’s Taco.

Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons.

He can even solve some pretty complicated...

Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.

Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.

Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?

Are you going to die?

Yeah, bud. I think so. But you don’t gotta worry about that.

Just tell me what’s four plus four?

Are you scared?

Of course I’m scared.

But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s pretty much a done deal.

Taco, what’s four plus four?

I love you.

I love you too, Taco.

For old times sake, tell me what's four plus four?

Three.

No, that’s not it, Taco.

- Three. - No.

No, Taco. It’s not three, bud.

Just messing. It’s eight.

You son of a bitch. You got me again.

Andrew’s amazing animals, everyone.

I’m gonna die.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost. - I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

It sure has, Leslie D.

Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Asked us what Leslie D?

Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!

Okay don’t get mad...

Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone

your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance

it didn’t go quite as planned?

Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.

But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.

Okay...

It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three,

I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree When he appeared with a full white beard

The very guy that I revered I’m talking Santa!

Santa

I was in the same room as him

You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?

- Where you nervous Leslie D? - Was I ever!

But I said to myself, “Don’t be a fool

Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”

So here is what I said... 'Hey, sexy mama, nice teeth!'

- Yeah, I made it weird with Santa. - Santa.

Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous!

And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding...um

Does Santa hate me? It’s anyone’s guess

He said my name And I said “Yes”

He asked if I’d been naughty or nice and I said:

Who’s asking, virgin?

- Yeah I made it weird with Santa! - Santa.

What does that even mean Leslie D?

I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth!

Well, what did Santa do?

He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”

Then he sorta started heading towards the door...

Not the chimney?

No I think he just wanted to get out of there.

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”

And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”

Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

We met him once at a Christmas ball

How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed

Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said...

You tell me, you’re in charge, Daddy...

I thought I was flirting, I don’t know,

but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children.

Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there?

Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”

Oh no. Then what happened?

He asked me what my name was and I said Beth.

And he said, “Get away from me, Beth.”

I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa.

But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone.

But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.”

And he said, 'No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seam on my Santa suit.'

And I said, 'No look!' And then I touched him down there.

- Why?! - I don’t know!

Because my brain doesn’t work!

We really blew it with Santa

Santa

He thinks I’m a dodo He thinks I’m a doof

My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

Santa!

Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

It’s not our fault Santa

We’re not good in crowds

We never know what we’ll say out loud

All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts

As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas riff!

What do you say?

My wife.

Try again.

Thank you, Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!

Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.

Merry Christmas Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I know, it’s like what do I get my dad for Christmas?

- Buying presents is the worst. - Yes, so stressful.

Totally. And what’s up with Santa's clothes?

Like you might want to update that wardrobe.

- Right? - Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Question for you. What are you all doing for Christmas?

Should we do something together? That’d be kinda weird and cool.

Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Yeah, this is family for me.

Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Okay.

God bless us. Everyone.

Tiny Tom, or it’s not Tiny Tom...Thompson.

No.

Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Hey, Kyle.

- What you do for Xmas? - Oh, my parents are flying in.

Well, if the plane crashes or anything, I’ll just be in the city. So, hit me up.

Jesus!

Remember, don’t be naughty.

Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you get to spend Christmas with me.

I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet.

But I’m surprisingly down to hang with people like you.

Oh, I actually can’t. I’m going upstate.

But I’m on the cast.

Are you crying?

No, no, no.

I was just thinking how cool it is that Santa does it all in one night?

Guy is a monster.

Just another Christmas

Alone

Kyle, you’re a great singer.

I know. They don’t know how to use me on the show.

And no one’s spending Christmas with.

Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I shouldn’t be alive.

Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t just about where you are on December 25.

It’s about the love that surrounds you every day.

I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy here at 30 Rock.

Yeah. I guess you’re right.

So go ahead. Who brings Christmas joy into your life?

Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He still calls me Beck Bennett.

I can tell that his heart is definitely in the right place.

And no one’s better than Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny.

They’ve got this really great bit going when they don’t follow me on Instagram.

Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough being the handsome guys on show.

The tabloids just won’t leave us alone.

I guess everyone here brings me joy. Except maybe Mikey Day.

I really don’t like him. I think he’s fake.

I have a fantasy where I catch them on a ride at night alone.

Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

- Kyle? - You guessed it.

I throw him in the closet, kick them around a little bit.

Pour some gasoline on him just to mess with him.

And I go on his computer, change all the Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s

and then look at me, I’m the star of the show.

So yeah, to answer your question, it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Holy fuck!

Thanks for the help, Billy. And Merry Christmas.

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes man.

Thanks.

- Hey Billy, how’s it going? - Run.

Quit the show. You’re not safe.

Merry Christmas from Max Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and

all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.

Once again, Billie Eilish.

Services. Amenity. Elevator. Curtains with sticks.

You’ll find all this and more at..

Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front desk girl.

And I’m Kathreen, the same person as her.

Other hotels provide relaxation, luxury and romance.

Our rooms provide every comfort required by law.

Tiny soap in plastic.

Phone that blinks.

Band Aid colored blanket.

Chair for suitcase.

Black and white photo of First Wheel.

Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.

Short glass wearing little hat.

And small stain in place you have to touch.

And be sure to enjoy your hot tub.

It’s always occupied by an eight year old boy in goggles staring at your breasts.

He’s been in there for hours and he’s not getting out until you do.

Want to see the local sites? ask her conceirge, Doreen.

But be warned she’s having a hard month every month.

Looking for adventure? See the cave. Every town has a cave.

I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying

when you stopped by earlier. I didn’t sleep well last night.

My dogs have taken over the bed. And the feral cat I rescued bit me pretty hard.

So please, for me, see the cave.

Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us “A stock photo you can sleep in”.

And why the news called us the place that man did those things.

We put the hospital in hospitality.

Situated between the DMV and a darkened Sonic,

it’s the location that will make your Uber driver say, “You’re sure?”

And breakfast...

And breakfast...

And breakfast means morning here at

Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Fill up on all your continental breakfast favorites like...

Wet egg.

Cereal in gumball machine.

DIY waffle.

Sausage that squirts.

And yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.

No mercy. You can look but yeah can’t touch.

You wanted yogurt? Wake up at four, bitch.

And whatever you need, day or night, just guess Trevor,

our bellhop/valet/Night Manager/in house doctor.

I will drop your bags. I will scratch your car.

I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone, no headphones.

If you’re a man, I will tell you where the strip clubs are.

I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake. I am chaos.

So, next time you travel please stay with us.

Our guests join us for all of life’s less sparkly moments.

Business Conference.

Intervention.

Magic The Gathering Tournament.

Affair with old man.

Meeting stranger who claims to have information.

Funeral for aunt who died driving the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.

Cult deprogramming.

After prom hand stuff.

And hiding from the police.

So join us at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

It’s like we always say.

We may not be the Ritz Carlton.

Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.

Thank you to everyone at SNL.

Thank you to Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant, Miley Cirus and Punkie Johnson.

This goes out to all of you.