Original subtitles

Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro.

And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now.

On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges.

That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial

just for doing the bravest thing any American can do,

protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town.

Now, on to our first guest.

He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone.

Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise.

You may remember that I was in charge of investigating

Robert Durst for murder back in 83.

Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him.

Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most

was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Well, it was all standard procedure.

That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims.

They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked!

But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming.

Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive.

And you know how much we love liberal tears around here.

So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight.

Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings,

and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb.

Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges?

That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

You were? Because I wasn’t.

I’ve never seen anything like it before.

I have. Many, many times.

I mean, this is not who we are.

I feel like it kinda is though.

And all this does is send the message that

any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there. White.

All we can hope for is that at this point

is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty.

So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note,

Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade

against the Build Back Better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital

to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around.

Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around.

Excuse me. Flip it around.

Okay. I could do it before.

And that brave man stops the Build Back Better bill from being passed

until the next day when it passed in two minutes.

Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing?

Getting socialized buck play paid for by your tax dollars.

Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill.

But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done?

Please welcome this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Thank you very much, Jeanine. Wonderful to be here.

Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill.

So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff

while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill

because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me.

And meople are saying... and you know what?

Meple of course are people who are me.

They’re saying I built it back even... You know what?

I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall.

It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field,

frankly, that’s road.

And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Wow. I imagining.

You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please?

Because this bill is... You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster.

We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay?

Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay.

Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly.

But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama

and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters.

Speaking of Girl, why did that― Why did they reboot Gossip Girl?

Why the hell? You simply can’t match.

You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.

You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes...

You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what?

Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search?

I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what?

I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty

and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris?

I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what?

We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know?

Boy Chris wasn’t even the main interview.

He had to sit on the panel with the other dogs and watch Bill do the new rules.

And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best singers.

Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what?

Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what?

It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive.

We have to do something about it. She’s tall.

She’s Albanian which is basically white.

And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Musical guest, Saweetie.

And your host, Simu Liu.

Ladies and gentlemen, Simu Liu.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Simu Liu.

Some of you might know me from Marvel’s Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings.

I am officially Marvel’s first openly Chinese superhero.

I’m also the first Chinese host on SNL.

To be the fourth Chinese toast on SNL.

I’m actually Chinese Canadian

and I am so happy to be here for the Thanksgiving show.

Now, in Canada, Thanksgiving is actually in October

and marks the start of the harvest season.

Here in America, things are a little different.

It’s a November and it marks the start of Black Friday week on Amazon Prime.

But I do have a lot to be thankful for.

Now, a lot of people ask me how I landed a role in a Marvel movie.

The truth is I got Sang Chi how every Canadian gets their big break

by asking politely back.

No, no, no. For real. Back in 2014, and this is a true story, I tweeted,

“Hey, Marvel, great job with Captain America and Thor.

Now how about an Asian superhero?”

And at the time, I think the tweet got like 10 likes, which

was like 10 more than I usually got.

But I worked hard. And five years later,

Marvel did make their first Asian superhero movie.

And after I got the part, I went online and tweeted,

“Thanks for getting back to me.” Clearly. I’m Canadian.

Now, I really can’t believe my life right now because 10 years ago,

I actually had a job dressing up as Spider Man for kids birthday parties.

Which meant parents would pay me to entertain their kids

while they were day drinking.

I’ll never forget this one birthday boy’s name was Trevor.

And like I don’t want to say anything bad about him, but let’s just say

he was a real Trevor.

Kicking my shins and screaming, “You’re not Spider Man. You’re not Spider Man.”

And look, I don’t know if you’ve ever been kicked by a seven year old

while wearing a $30 Walmart Spider Man suit but it will break you.

It will break your spirit. But it also lit a fire under me.

And I don’t know where he is now. But Trevor, if you’re watching,

I just want to say you were right. I’m not Spider Man. I’m Shang Chi, bitch!

We got a great show for you tonight. Saweetie is here.

So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

You’re watching Wilmington Cable Access. Up next is Karaoke Recap.

I found you miss new booty get it together and bring it back to me.

Hello. Wow, welcome to karaoke recap

here at Bixbie’s Bar and Grill in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Yes, thank you for coming to my bar. It’s been a long week of drunken singing.

And we’re just going to show you some of the highlights.

Some of y’all sounded like a regular Jesse Timber-cake.

I’m your host, Mr. Barefoot, along with Bixbie’s owner Rob,

who has an announcement.

Oh, yeah. Just a reminder. This equipment is rented.

Karaoke rule number one, you must respect the microphone.

Do not tap the mic. Do not swing the mic. If you drop the mic, I will drop you.

Thank you, baby.

Now it’s time for our favorite segment, karaoke All Stars

where we look back at the week’s most special performances.

Let’s start with our bad choice All Stars.

These are folks who just picked the wrong song.

First up, Guy who was doing great until the high notes came in.

Take on me oh no

Take me up, help me

I’ll be gone

Let’s not forget woman who’s been overserved singing “Su Soppa Layla”.

Su Soppa Layla

Su Soppa Layla

Su Soppa Layla

Su mama mayja

Isn’t that a little loose with that mike?

If it breaks I gotta go to get a new one from Radio Shack.

You know how hard it is to find a Radio Shack these days?

A store whose number one seller is wires?

Oh, Rob. Your little grump-face.

Alright, our next Karoake All Stars is someone who comes here by himself

and always does the same song.

It’s mad world by Neal, the quite guy in the hoodie.

All around me are familiar faces

worn out places

worn out faces

You know, I gotta be honest, that guy’s given off real Columbine vibes.

Alright. Let’s keep going with our next All Star,

guy who must have chosen the wrong song. But wait a second.

Yo yo, yo, check it must know the beat y’all

Y’all know what it is, ha-ha-ha

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t breathe for the first time

Um, man. He was so talented. Man, he was better than Justin Bubay.

- Justin? - Bubay.

You know him? He’s sung that “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy”.

Oh, Justin Bieber. Misty, I love you but you’re starting to worry me.

Let’s move on to tonight’s cringe All Stars.

Oh, these are the rough ones. Okay.

First we have couple who thought it’d be fun to sing like Homer and Marge Simpson.

It’s not really music. It’s not really music. It’s not really comedy.

It’s basically nothing.

Speaking of nothing, our next All Stars are two German tourists trying their best.

Yeah. I don’t know what they said but I did like her energy. I did.

Our next cringe All Stars comes here every weekend straight from the office.

It’s finance bro trying to get laid.

What’s up? This one’s dedicated to all the ladies in the house.

I don’t like the song, but I know you do.

You are my fire,

the one desire

believe I make a lot of money, when I say

I began the dogecoin, I want it that way

tell me why...

I’m gonna say it makes me regret sleeping with him those seven times.

Alright, time to look back at our cringy All Stars,

my Pony by Ginuwine sung by a father and daughter.

If you’re horny, let’s do it

Ride it, my pony

- You’re doing great, dad. - You too, hun.

Yeah. Um, you can’t unsee that.

No you can’t. No you can’t.

Alright, time for our final karaoke All Stars.

It’s girl who claims her friend signed her up but we all know the truth.

Jessica? No. Who put my name in? You guys.

I don’t even know what song you picked. Are you serious? Jessica? What...

And I...

will always love you...

Jessica, seriously?

Well...

That’s it. That’s it for this week’s karaoke recap. Take us out Misty.

I found you miss new booty get it together and bring it back to me.

Hosting Thanksgiving is a big job.

Luckily, Target’s got you covered with incredible savings

on everything you need for a perfect feast.

Buy-One-Get-One deals on Classic Thanksgiving sides and sauces.

And of course, butterball turkeys from $1.49 a pound.

But hosting Thanksgiving also means hosting your family.

And that can be a whole damn thing.

That’s my target’s also got great deals on a bunch of stuff

you’ll need specifically for them.

Like, half off Nate’s Humane Tofurkey Loaf for your nieces annoying new boyfriend.

I don’t eat anything with feathers anymore.

You know, I’ve watched that Netflix documentary. Horrifying.

Horrifying what they do to these birds.

And after dinner, the savings keep on coming

with discounts on Wilson brand footballs so you can work off dinner in the backyard

with the uncle who takes the game too seriously.

Second down.

And for your dirtbag cousin, take 20% off motion sensor lights

so he can smoke cigarettes in the driveway.

You wanna try, little man?

And $50 off Apple noise canceling air pods

for when grandpa weighs in on social issues.

The democrats, while that guy’s changed football to high heeled sleep.

Plus, take 30% off Purina brand dog food.

Since someone in your family’s bringing their dog even though you ask them not to.

And for kids, great deals on toys they can destroy

when they’re left unsupervised in the basement.

Plus everyday low prices on wine and beer to get you through this conversation.

You know who died? Jeannie Feldman.

And this conversation.

The thing about crypto that’s so exciting is that it’s decentralized.

Like if you think about the blockchain...

Or this one.

Hey, you brought your new girlfriend. She got some nice titties, huh?

Plus, huge savings on family holiday must haves.

BandAids, pain relievers, and of course more wine.

Nice ass on her too. Bounce a quarter off that ass.

Hey, someone’s got to host your family for Thanksgiving.

Ah, so if you do the short straw...

Anyone gonna help me with these?

Turn to target for everything your family needs.

Ay, just give me my keys. I drive around all the time.

Target. Let’s do it all again at Christmas.

Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks for making the time for us.

Well, when you allocate $500 million of taxpayer money

to develop a new weapon system, you find the time.

Yeah, we’re eager to see what you’ve been working on.

Of course. My orders in heading this project were clear.

Make America the technological leader in the battlefield.

But Battlefield has changed, and so must our soldiers.

Enough with the foreplay, Major. You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Bit of a crude way to put it, but yes, yes.

Imagine a soldier with undying loyalty, built in night vision,

supersonic hearing, and the ability to track an enemy scent

with 15,000 times the accuracy of a normal human nose.

You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven robotic soldier

with that kind of capability?

Oh, even better. We made this.

Major, what am I looking at?

Project Domino, subject 119 C, also known as dog head man.

You put a dog’s head on a human beings body?

A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Okay, and you want to send that thing into active combat?

Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an extremely well trained battlefield asset.

In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine combat rifle f

aster than any human soldier. Observe.

And go dog head man.

I just have one question major. Does this thing go to the bathroom on a toilet?

Or does it go outside and you got to clean up after it?

That’s your one question?

I think the American people would want to know.

And time. 11 seconds.

Good girl, dog head, man.

Did you say good girl?

Yes, it’s a female dog’s head on a human man’s body?

Shall we begin prepping for mass production?

Absolutely not. Where did you even get the parts to make this thing?

Let’s not worry about that.

I should also mention that dog had man is trained

in over 46 forms of hand to hand combat.

I don’t know about you, ma’am. But if I saw this

coming at me on the battlefield,

if I saw this thing coming at me on the battlefield,

I would drop my weapon and run away.

Yeah. Well, of course you would. Look at you.

Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US military can get behind this project.

How can you say that ma’am? Look at him.

That is the finest soldier this country has ever produced.

Really? Really major?

You think that thing can handle a high level mission?

You think that they could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Oh! Not only what dog head man have taken Bin Laden out.

He would have eaten him too.

Well, that’s a war crime.

Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

I am. And it’s extremely disturbing.

Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree.

I’ll not sign off on this until I know where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Look. If I didn’t believe this would save American lives, I would not have

convinced my father to donate his body and his dog to this project.

I mean, look what he’s doing right now. He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Dog head man. Dog head man.

He’s investigating his own body. It happens. Dog head man.

While he’s still eating his sandwich?

Dog head man. Good. Good, dog head man.

Red wire.

Good. He’s cutting the detonator wire first. Good.

He’s just licking it.

Ah, whatever. You guys went into this wanting to hate it.

So, nothing we could say can change your mind.

Guess we’ll close the project down and let China take the lead

and dog head man soldiers.

Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of these? Well, why didn’t you say so?

Get mass production started immediately.

Oh, yes, ma’am.

We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal shelters that look the other way.

And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple.

We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess

whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right?

Hello, contestants.

Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee.

And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

I bet you do. And how about you?

Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio.

So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest.

This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements.

Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not?

All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

I think Facebook is evil.

Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation

or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Not so easy, is it?

Maybe we need another hit.

I would say you do.

I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Because you want to or because you have to?

I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

- Which athletes? - And which beliefs?

Who knows? Could be her or him?

No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

God I hate cops.

Okay, he is not a Republican.

Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

But but he said he hates cops.

Yes, but he was talking about these cops.

Well, better luck next round. Let’s meet our second guest, Lacey.

Lacey came here from Manhattan.

New York City or Kansas?

I can’t say. Start the clock.

On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

I support Caitlyn Jenner.

In what way? Politically?

You’re doing great.

And give us another clue.

Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Starting when?

I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Last month I went to a board meeting

and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

No. Sorry.

What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

That’s right. And that book, the Bible.

Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors.

Jimmy!

Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando,

where Democrats visit and Republicans live.

Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Good afternoon.

Is that... I feel like I recognize her.

Maybe you do. Start the clock.

I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA

and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Nobody wants to ring in?

Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious,

but this game is weird.

My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

I’m a Republican.

Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

What? How?

The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative

Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

But I am a Republican.

Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say.

Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week.

Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants

are Republican or not.

Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

You still don’t get it?

Put on my bootleg Jordans and boarded the train

Touched down in the land of Colin Jost and the legendary Wu-Tang

Drive on by the garbage dump so big you could see it from space

Yeah, we got like 80 bagel spots and every block has a pizza place

And I'm walking in Staten

All the way from Stapleton to Great Kills Walking in Staten

We've got a lot of cops and a ton of pills

Saw the ghost of Robert Loggia and said, "From where do I know you?"

He said, "I was the guy on the piano in Big" and he sparked up a major doob

Security sure did smell him, and thy said 'Who the hell are you?'

Man, it's Pte and Wet, and you'd best bet that Marc Cohn's gonna sue

No, I don't want to be in a parody of my own song.

What do you mean, I'm already in it?

And I'm walking in Staten

Is this a pizza place or a bagel place?

Walking in Staten

It's actually a pizza place inside a bagel place

They've got the Verrazzano Narrows (It's actually pretty wide)

They've got Chris the Hobby Guy (Hey, it's Chris and Lisa! Hop in!)

And when you see wild turkeys by the hospital an alarming amount

No one even bats an eye

Man, it's really weird in Staten

I think this strip club used to be a McDonald's

And our zoo is shockingly small

Once I saw Method Man hit a hole-in-one

At the Safari Mini-Golf

Staten Island is where I'm walkin' Real is what I'm talkin'

Y'all proceed with caution Don't cross this native New Yorkin'

You know we Empire State We're devastatin' and awesome

My Yankee hat a statement And a middle finger to Boston

Not like I'm walkin' in Memphis

Feel it in my britches Elvis made his little riches

By stealin' from Little Richard Where I'm from we a little different

We're trappin' and easy passin' Cross the Verrazzano and welcome to Staten

We were drinkin' White Claws and bootlegs

And the cops challenged us to a fight

He said, "Tell me, are you Italian?"

And I said, "Man, I am tonight."

And I was walking in Staten

This place is the reason I turned out weird

Walking in Staten

And thanks to New Jersey, we now have deer

And we were walking in Staten

Where everybody's dreams go right down the drain

Walking in Staten

Babies here are born with a golden chain

Wow, look at the ocean, guys. Imagine if we could actually swim in it

What's that out in the water?

- A dead body - Great

Ladies and gentlemen, Saweetie.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden.

He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up,

the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill,

the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically

been president for the first time ever.

And while Biden was processing all that, he was rushed off to pardon a turkey

named Peanut Butter.

I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79.

Half the country already thinks he’s senile.

You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats.

I honestly can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist?

I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder

of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest.

So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal

of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse

just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse

as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved

teenagers who are willing to do terrible things.

Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver, please

surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges

and said we are taking down the Biden regime.

I hate to break it to you, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own.

Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR,

a social media platform popular with Trump allies.

GETTR is named after what its users say whenever

they see a woman walking alone.

A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater

after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy.

Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone

problematic in Washington DC.

Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the

Michael Chase sucks butt bathroom stall.

Some of my best work.

Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by,

has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted

him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know.

He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime.

When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like,

“Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

This year, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons

including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda.

Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

Your boy is back. Wad up, New York City?

It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda.

Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu,

Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV.

High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing

over at Post Malone’s crib.

It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown,

The GEICO Gecko, new mega,

and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now.

Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk.

Yeah, I actually got a... I got a new album coming out.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah.

It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”.

It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi.

And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is.

It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella.

This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

Just another boring day in high school, Whoa

Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah

I guess I just stereotypical boy,

oh God oh God, yeah

I like it. Everybody likes it.

What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

- I’m in my 50s. - Right.

But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all unpopular anymore.

Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But...

yeah, I’ll tell you everything.

I’m dating the mama bear from the Berenstein Bears.

You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro,

when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on...

Yeah.

Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex.

Baby Groot, it’s over.

If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper,

turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Baby Yoda, everybody.

A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage

to propose to her during an Adele concert.

Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie,

but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist,

just watch Weekend Update.

Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway,

a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction

for the record some of $34 million.

A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying

that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children.

Find out why in his new book, “Wait, hold on! Hear me out...”

New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets,

they scream a rally cry to other bees...

who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

It’s not real, guys.

Bees.

It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature

black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered

a different phase and the public may not see her until February.

So, you know what that means. New titties!

This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years.

Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

The UN Climate Change Conference ended this week with many saying that

not nearly enough was done to address the alarming rise in global temperatures.

Here to comment is Mother Earth.

Hello. Hello.

Hello, Earth's creatures warning... No, I’m kidding. I’m normal.

I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom who’s hot and pissed.

Well, thank you so much for being here, Mother Earth.

Oh, you can call me Mama.

Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama.

I don’t know. Does that sound natural coming for me?

No, it sounds really bad.

Well, I do you like your dress? It’s super cool.

Is that like a mythical Earth robe?

No, I got this a Chico’s because it had a moon on the boob.

I cannot believe that people say the Earth is flat. I mean look at these honkers.

HR said I’m not supposed to.

So, the climate summit just finished. How are you?

Not well, daddy. Not well. Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass.

I mean, you guys got to admit. Because I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay?

I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I let you do sea worlds.

I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys. And you know, New York is like a mix of

cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t love it, but do your thing.”

You know? But now I am worried. I think I’m like sick.

Is there anyone who can help you out? Is there like a Father Earth?

No. I mean, I’m single mom.

You know, I mean, I do have a casual hookup situation with Father Time.

Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.

Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”

Well, what can we all do to reverse the current climate crisis?

Well, it’s all the things that you don’t want to do.

Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21.

Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean.

And can I just say one thing? Coal is from my ass. You know that, right?

Like, you’re literally going down digging around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets.

And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we should burn our mom’s ass rock.”

And the sun is right there literally begging for a job. But you guys are like,

“No, no, we have a grand tradition of burning our mom's ass.”

Don’t you think we can make new technology that can help with some of this?

I don’t know. I feel like all I see is divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars.

You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s a hot dry windy horn.

- You know that, right Colin? - I’ve heard that.

I don’t know about you. I just think I’m still hopeful that we can make it better.

Aww, see? I’m gonna miss humans after you burn. You guys are cute.

Well, before we go, is there anything else you want humans to know?

Yeah. Yeah, there is.

I'm your mother. I care about you. I love you.

And this can go one of two ways. You helped me or I’m gonna kill you.

Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m kidding. I love you guys.

I think the corporations are really going to help ya.

- Mother Earth, everyone. -Yeah, love is my diarheea.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost - I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

Okay, Baker’s. Time is up.

Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes

based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year

I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving.

So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl

just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

That is adorable. I’m dying.

Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Oh, well. Let’s see it.

Yeah, I messed up.

Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry,

you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper.

And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t, I don’t know.

Well let’s sample the cake.

Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Yeah, I do not know how to bake.

I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Oh, I really do. And if I may.

My name is Mike and I’m here to bake

the make the cake, the...

Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family.

So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes.

First is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream.

The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing.

Save me a drumstick.

Wow, two cakes. That’s a first. Let’s see them.

Yeah, I did it wrong.

Oh! Mike! What happened?

I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today

with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

Okay.

Next up is Ralph.

What? No! This is good.

Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

Oh, my God!

Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Well, we still need to taste it.

Of course, of course.

Mike, did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

Oh my God! Ew!

Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old.

But what will Thanksgivings be in the future?

Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think.

My cake is a tribute to that.

Okay. And the white stuff...

the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

No, you don’t.

Knock, knock.

Simu, what’s up? My fellow, yellow, hello.

- What? - Nothing. I’m just nervous I think.

I mean, this has never happened before. Right?

Asian male host. Asian male cast member.

I know. It’s like we’re the Spider Man meme.

Except you have abs and I have ibs.

- Ibs? - IBS.

Anyway, Congrats, man. I mean, the first Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, you get it, right?

Like, first fully Asian cast member on SNL? It’s amazing.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird that people keep track of this stuff.

Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, I just got this

first Asian man who moved from Canada to America named Simu.

I have one that says Bowen.

No way. Yeah, I always just forget to take mine off.

Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you.

You are the first gay Asian cast member to mispronounce boutique.

- Is it not Bu-ti-kwa? - No. Congrats.

Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

And Simu, you were just named the first Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

- Wow, congratulations. - Thanks.

But seriously, Sang Chi was so good.

Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying I’m the first Asian man

to blow up a dragon from the inside.

I got the same one too. But it means something else.

Anyway, don’t you think these titles are kind of ridiculous?

Totally. Like the state of Michigan gave me the

“good job parentheses Asian award”. I do not care!

To every Asian on the planet. I did this for you.

I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

There’s no way this is true. But thank you so much.

Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are for you.

- Oh, my God. For me? - What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Oh, I guess I was the first Asian that you pick to a Panera or something.

Yes! I did it! I did it! I picked two!

You know, it’s almost embarrassing.

Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

Mom, I’m hot.

Weren’t you the first openly bottom guy on that list.

I’m not open about that. Who told you that?

- Sorry, I just guessed. - Oh, nice. Good job.

Hey, I have another award for first Asian man to do a share impression on NBC.

But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

- Simu wins. - Yes!

Congratulations.

Just remember Simu,

whatever first thing you do,

I’ll always be gay.

Once again, Saweetie.

911. What’s your emergency?

Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.

You think you’re dead? Sir?

Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana.

And I ODed.

And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead.

So, can you send the hospital to here please?

Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.

No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down

into my stomach like food, not like breathing air.

So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am?

Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.

Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.

Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors

from Crembly college are having a little get together.

And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.

- You tell her I’m dead? - We’re fine.

Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight, hun.

Good night, ma’am.

- 911, What’s your emergency? - Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together

with the gentlemen who just called?

Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is.

Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is?

Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is.

Have you ever smoked marijuana before?

Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.

Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger.

And that’s why you’re having this reaction.

Oh, are you mad at me?

No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?

Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.

- Yes. - Is this Alan’s wife?

- Well, I was but I’m dead now. - Great. Okay, you too.

Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?

I do.

Oh, my God. You guys. Everyone knows.

Old people gotta stop smoking weed.

Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?

- Yes. Hello, is this 911? - Yes, sir.

Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.

Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?

Yes. And my head feels tight on my head.

But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape.

I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Grown adults taking up my damn time.

- 911. What’s your emergency? - Hi, sweetie.

Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all.

There are real emergency we need to deal with.

Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey.

And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.

That's our show for tonight, folks. Thank you to Saweetie,

to Lauren, to everybody in the cast and crew.

Thank you, it's been a dream come true. Goodnight!