Original subtitles

You’re watching Newsmax kids.

At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

Hello. Hello.

I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz.

You know, for 50 years I stood by Sesame Street,

taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness.

But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease,

I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street.

It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

Cruzy days sweeping the libs away

and he hopes you’ll say that his beard looks sweet

- Grab an eagle and a gun - Bring that gun to cruz street

Did someone say bring gun?

Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted

for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats.

And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-15?

- I don’t think I should. - Pussy.

And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q.

Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive

will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

I represent America.

Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter,

simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird.

But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge.

And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax,

and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Yes, yes, that sounds correct.

Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

Yes, that’s right.

I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Can you help me, Joe?

Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID.

Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

But why would a bird take horse medicine?

I’m a human and I took horse medicine.

And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like.

Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Oh my God. Isn’t this for kids?

No one under 65 watches.

I’m almost 30.

Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today.

There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory.

And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled.

That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep

CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

Hi. Hi, Ted.

And yeah, we are out and proud.

That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Our relationship has progressed a bit.

We got engaged.

Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

Their girlfriends are very lucky.

Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

Did somebody say free money?

Uh-oh, it’s my Nemesis Oscar the slouch.

He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the tit of the government.

That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs,

I decided to quit working and live in this trash can.

Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state.

I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him.

Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump

definitely won the election with the recount count.

I’m moving to Arizona.

And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

Oh my God, you guys. We did it.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Musical guest, Taylor Swift

And your host, Jonathn Majors

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Majors.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I’m excited to be here. It’s exciting.

My name is Jonathan Majors. I’m in a new Netflix 'The Harder They Fall'

alongside Idris Elba.

It was fun. It was fun filming that movie.

But if you ever want to feel bad about how you look,

definitely spend two months standing right next to Idris Elba.

Humbling.

Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father was in the Air Force.

My mother’s a pastor. So, hallelujah. And I moved around a lot.

I like to say I was born in California, raised in Texas,

educated in North Carolina, roughed up in New York City

and then re educated in New Haven, Connecticut.

Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying yeah, I went to Yale.

It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on this stage.

When they told me I was gonna host SNL I said that’s impossible.

For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s been a crazy journey.

When I was 17, I was homeless, living in my car, working at Red Lobster

and Olive Garden. But you know what?

I learned from that experience. You know what I learned?

That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are owned by the same parent company.

So, you can work in both places with no problem.

Side note, it’s crazy how many people got their start at Red Lobster.

Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked there.

Now I don’t know what they put in them Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.

Really, that experience it taught me a lot. It taught me that work hard,

if you trust the plan, great things can happen.

I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie.

Or as the black community likes to call it, not Black Panther.

And now I am indeed hosting Saturday Night Live.

That's dope.

I remember the moment when the way of all that kind of hit me,

it finally sank in, I was laying in bed looking at the ceiling

and all of a sudden, I got this huge burst of energy,

excitement, boom, schedule boy.

Something big just happened. And it was okay that it was big. You know?

You couldn’t let that bigness scare you and I thought back to

this advice my grandpa always gave me. He’d say,

“Grandson, everything’s big at first. But you walk up on it, you face it,

pretty soon is so small you can put it in your pocket.”

Which incidentally is the tagline for the next Ant-man movie.

Alright, look. We got a great show for you all tonight.

Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

You’re watching the History Channel.

At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”.

Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19.

Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known

as the march of the suitors.

My queen, men of both noble and common blood

have come from far and wide to win your hand.

Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Um, sure.

The Queen says sure.

And now let the march begin.

First, oh dear, how uncomfortable, my liege,

presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her,

but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

Wow, you look gorgeous

I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

I mean, literally all of it.

Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

- No. Thomas. Please just go. - No. No.

Next, oh, a commoner, my liege.

Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son, Rafi, I know this much.

He poor, and dumb, and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage.

We figure it out when he wasn’t even born.

Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Do you wanna take a peek?

- Drop your pantaloons, boy. Show him. - Aye, mumsy.

Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

My grace. No one has more than that.

Lady Eloise!

Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting

the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

All hail. Prince Harwey.

Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with riches,

loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince.

This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Shall I send them away my liege?

No. Let them say. I love the drama.

So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch?

So you’re joining the march of the damn suitors?

Dressed up in a stupid ass bone armor and get your idiot best friend to bang a drum

and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

- Um, Prince Harwey? - Shut up, Archanbald.

What the hell are you doing Dave?

Being stupid.

Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

- You look pretty. - Boy, shut up.

We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women.

This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

My liege.

Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know,

this girl cute as hell, man.”

I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle

and see if she down to clown around.

I know I like boys.

But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

She does. It’s a thing.

So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Well, this day just got nuts.

When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Just feels like the whole thing is, we're all donkeys

Come on in!

Hey, what's up, boys!

- Pete in the house. - Pete man!

- The king of Staten Island himself!

- What? - Nothing, what's up?

Well, I just wanna say you guys have been making some

really fun videos for the show this year

- Dude! - Thank you, man! That's very nice

It got me thinking, like, we should all do a video together.

I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video

about how we're all like best friends and how we're all, like, boys.

We would be in it with you?

Yeah, you guys would be the boys, so.

- Yeah! Oh my God! - I would say so, yeah.

Let's do it!

Yo, it's Pete and PDD Let's go

Another day in the life of Pete Just sitting in a courtside seat

People wanna take my picture with selfie sticks

It winds up on Page Six

It's never-ending Everyday I'm trending

People wanna see the texts that I'm sending

All my friends are cool and famous Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins, whoa

Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins, whoa

Sir, can we time out for a second?

Yeah, what's going on guys? You having fun?

I'm having a blast Quick question, is this about us?

Which part?

- I guess the three sad virgins part. - Yeah.

Because, like, we have had sex Maybe not super recently but...

Guys, it's just a parody video, you guys are just playing characters

- Characters... - Oh, so people won't think it's about us?

It's not about you at all

Their names are Martin, Ben and John And they work at the show I'm on

- They just don't have any swag - What?

They're tall and weird and sad John's loud but not very smart

Ben's breath kinda smells like a fart

And Martin's penis tip is way too red At least, that's what his doctor said

- Three sad virgins, what? - He's talking about us.

Three sad virgins, whoa

- Oh my God. - Oh, that was my real doctor.

- I gotta say something. - Yeah, you should, yeah.

Pete!

- What's up? - We love it.

- Love it. - I just had one like tiny thought.

This guy has notes? Leave it as-is. It's rocking, dude.

Hey, do you have an ashtray by any chance? Oh yeah, thanks

My only thing is maybe it could just be like completely different.

Oh, okay.

Maybe it's something topical, like Dune's a big movie.

- Oh, something with Dune. - A Dune rap.

All right, all right guys. It's now a Dune rap.

So let's get some sand in here!

- Yeah! - Alright.

The planet Dune is very nice It's a world that's made of spice

It's sandy like a playa With Zendaya

I'm gonna ride a worm And these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins on Dune

Why is he humiliating us?

Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy's?

Pete made me do it

- And why are we up here? - He said we're like the flying sad sacks.

You know what? We can't stand for this, right?

- Yeah! - No, no. No!

- Ben! Ben! - Let us down!

Hey Ben, you ok, dude?

- Are you guys ready to go in again? - No!

We can't do this anymore, okay? It's humiliating.

Damn guys, I'm sorry, I thought that this would be a...

fun thing for all of us, if it's not, then let's just end it.

- Thanks, Pete. - Thank you, Pete.

- I mean, after we do the bridge. - Wait, what bridge?

- Hey, Pete! - Oh, hey ,Taylor!

Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley

He looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers

And Martin has the charm and the sex appeal of a scarecrow

That's not true!

John has a big-ass bowling ball head

How does he stay upright with that big, fat melon?

And none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Yeah, that's accurate, true.

'Cause they're Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins, whoa

Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins, whoa

Three sad virgins, what? Three sad virgins, whoa

Three sad virgins, what? And they're gonna die alone

Live from the Fox Con Empathy is the Audacity in Advertising Awards.

With your hosts Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

Good evening.

Commercials, they’re tiny movies they play during TV.

I love being the face of StateFarm.

And I signed 100 billion year contract with Progressive and I love that too.

We’re here tonight to crown the winners of the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.

Also known as the Pepsi’s.

The Commercials make us cry. They make a shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”

Because these days it’s no longer enough to ask where’s the beef?

We must also ask how can it be diversity?

We’re so excited to celebrate the most egregious ads of the year.

Our first nominee is a moving conversation between a father and son.

Did mom know?

She knew. We still loved each other.

I never felt like it was right for me to come out while you guys were still kids.

- I don’t know what to say. - It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.

Me too. I’ve wasted my life.

Facebook Portal. Share something real.

Wow. Wow. That must have sold a lot of Facebooks.

Truly stunning.

We’ll be seeing more of these later in the evening.

We have so many amazing awards to give out tonight.

Like ‘most outrageous use of sign language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’

But first one of my favorite categories.

Flo, it’s so exciting when you can tell a company doesn’t know how it’s received.

It can be even more exciting when it feels like they aren’t

even sure what it is the thing that they do.

Here are the nominees for using what to sell what?

Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in pain,

kind fisherman comes and wipes it off. BP.

Children hold hands over borer wall. O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.

Two undocumented lesbians getting prison married. Sargento cheese.

And the winner is

BP.

The ad execs of this company prefer not to come up here

tonight because they are embarrassed.

Here to accept the award on their behalf is their newest intern.

Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you. This is crazy.

Oh, I started two days ago and now I’m on TV.

I want to thank my supervisor for showing me where the free Clif Bars are.

And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met. Go interns. Whooo!

Thank you.

He will go far.

And now on a more serious note, companies can’t last forever.

Let’s take a moment to remember the ones we sadly lost this year.

Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi,

titi, Duku and fupa TV.

We will miss most of you.

And now, here to present the category you’ve all been waiting for.

Please welcome the Limu Emu and his human friend.

Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?

Aflac.

Dude, stop. That’s not us. I told you that.

God I hate that we’re married. Oh my God. Nope. Nope.

Here are the nominees for most egregious ad of the year 2021.

When I was little, my school burned in a fire.

Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of being a fireman.

Driving for Amazon gives me the flexibility

to go to firefighter school online while I drive.

Today, I’m on my way to being a real firefighter.

God bless you, Amazon.

Amazon, God bless us.

This baby is trans, Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.

Wow. Absolutely Craven.

We’ll be back with the winner and other exciting categories.

Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

You’re watching the Sci Fi channel. Why?

Alright, welcome back to Strange Kid Tales.

The show where parents tell us paranormal stories about their kids.

I hate hosting this show. But a paycheck’s a paycheck.

I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?

- No. But we got to do it anyway. - Yep.

Our first guest, Marla Winters and her son, Caden.

So what’s going on with this little boy?

Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so perceptive.

And it’s like, he can see other worldly things that we can’t see.

What does that mean?

Oh, well, like the other day, we were walking by a cemetery.

No.

And he starts waving at someone. Only there’s no one there.

Do not like it.

So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he says, “The man in the red jacket.”

The who in the what now?

- And the weird part is― - Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?

When I was tucking him in that night,

he waved at the corner of his bedroom, and I said, “Who are you waving at now?”

And he goes, “The man in the red jacket.” He followed us home.

No. No, no, no, no.

Alright. Thank you for being here. But you gotta go.

- Alright. Let’s keep it moving. - Do we have to?

- Yes. - Okay.

All right.

Our next guests are Dave Timkens and his six year old son, Max.

No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t even said a word.

There’s nothing behind his eyes.

Alright. So why don’t you just tell me your kid’s tale, man?

Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I was watching a World War II doc.

They were showing footage of these fighter planes, and out of the blue,

Max turns to me and says, “When I was old, I flew a plane like that.”

When he was old? He said when he was old?

That is not a sentence I want coming out of a child’s mouth.

Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here was a World War II fighter pilot.

Tell him which aircraft carrier you served on, pal.

The Natoma.

He knows the name of the ship.

He knows the name of the ship.

Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a really vivid memory of his plane

getting shot down and going underwater. Tell him what happened next.

I died.

Oh, man! Come on! Come on.

He said he died. And now he here? Take that demon child away from here.

Man, I do not like this show. I don’t like these tales.

I’m out. I quit.

You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t listen to the spooky stories by myself.

Alright, back. Maybe the last kid won’t be as creepy.

- Yeah, maybe. - Okay. Let’s see.

- You good? - Yeah, I’m good. You good?

- Yes. - Alright.

Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona Garrett and her daughter

Oh, hell. Coraline.

Alright. So, what’s going on with this little Wednesday Adams?

So, a few months ago Coraline started singing the song I’d never heard.

I said, “Who taught you that?”

She said, “The old lady who comes into my room at night.”

No.

She said, it’s her imaginary friend.

But then we were looking through an old family photo album

and there was a picture of her great grandmother who died 15 years ago.

No...

And Coraline points to the photo and says,

“That’s the woman who sings to me at night.”

What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary friends are ghosts.

Alright. That’s it. This is our last show. We are done.

Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear that. Wait.

- Who are you staring at? - The man in the red jacket.

According to studies, many men say they have no close friendships.

And three and four report receiving all their emotional support

from their wife or girlfriend.

Often the moment they come home from work.

Hi, how are you? I miss you. Am I balding? Dune?

Okay, cool. Hi, honey.

Vin Diesel has a twin brother.

Oh, honey.

When I walk in the door, my husband sort of rockets information at me

for 25 minutes straight.

On a football team there’s 11 players, but with rugby there’s 15.

And all the words come out fast and in the wrong order,

because he hasn’t spoken to anyone else that day.

I need you to go out of the house and make a friend

so you talk to other people about this stuff. And not just me.

That’s insane. Where would I even go?

Finally, there’s a place.

With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but for guys in relationships,

they can make friends and have an outlet besides their girlfriends and wives.

Rise and grind? Rise and grind.

Rise and grind brother.

They’re networking. They’re doing so good.

Which one’s yours?

He’s a little shy.

Go on, go say hi.

It’s not their fault masculinity makes intimacy so hard.

You got this.

Marvel?

- Marvel. - Marvel.

- Marvel? - Marvel.

Marvel.

We know not all men get along. So, there are separate parks for large breeds.

- Pats. - Raven.

- Pats. Raven.

And small breeds.

- Rick. - Morty.

- Rick. - Morty.

There’s room for all their favorite male bonding activities.

Coz I'm Mr. Brightside

And after they run around and yell,

they can cool down with an IPA and really connect real talk.

Real talk. Who’s the GOAT?? Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?

How about Bo Burnham?

Will you be my best man?

You’re not even engaged yet.

I’m so glad he has someone else to talk to.

Hey, hey, did you know Vin Diesel has a twin brother?

What? Amazing!

Why is that what they’re talking about?

Men are taught that it’s weak to rely on each other.

So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote me on this, it’s harder to be a man.

Wait, no. Is this filming? Don’t show my face saying that.

Man Park. Ladies get in free.

Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Swift.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well, guys, I think the lesson we all learned this week is

never break up with Taylor Swift.

Or she will sing about you for 10 minutes on national television.

At the very least, return the scarf.

But in real news, I don’t really know what’s real anymore,

ex Trump advisor Steve Bannon,

seen here moments after shooting out of a sewage pipe,

sorry, I should use this full name, Stephen K. Bannon,

the K stands for three Ks, was indicted this week for contempt of Congress.

And convicted, Bannon would face up to two years in prison

which from the looks of him might be a life sentence.

Legal experts are saying that Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand

as he described how he shot his victims will help him with the jury.

Man, is there a white tears law school that I don’t know about?

I noticed that every time you all get in trouble, you start crying

and everything just works out for you whether you’re trying to beat a

murder charge or trying to be a Supreme Court justice.

Prosecutors have asked a judge to send Jacob Chancellor,

the January 6th and surgeon known as the QAnon shaman to 51 months in prison.

They chose that because five plus one equals six. 666 is the mark of the beast.

6+6+6 is 18, minus 1 for one nation under God equals 17.

And the 17th letter of the alphabet is, say it with me, Q.

It almost makes too much sense.

There’s something wrong with you, man.

A judge on Friday officially ended Britney Spears conservatorship after 13 years.

Media is very excited that she’s back on her feet

so they can knock her right back down again.

Senator Josh Hawley, whose middle name is “I’m actually”

said in a speech that after years of being told their manhood is the problem,

men are turning to pornography and video games, which is not true. I also drink.

Elon Musk sold nearly $5 billion in Tesla stock after he polled

his followers on Twitter and they told him to do it.

Which is good news because the polls other option was kill a drifter.

A judge ruled that Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s executive order

banning mass mandates in school violate the Americans with disabilities act.

Because in Texas, you have to treat the disabled with care

and respect until the day you execute them.

I don’t know why I thought that make you laugh.

It was announced that New York City Santa Con, which was cancelled last year,

will return this December. So, the answer is nothing.

The pandemic taught us nothing.

Well guys, we are six shows into our new season.

Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

Hey, Colin.

Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City.

But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

You got feedback already?

Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin?

I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Well, please don’t.

- I kind of want to. I’m crazy. - Don’t though.

Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

You don’t where my nipples are.

Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Hah, do you?

This just in. Local pervert, Collin Jost,

claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

That’s not what I meant.

And another thing. Why is the show on so late?

It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert, Colin Jost,

caught mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Where are you getting these graphics?

Please stop interrupting me. And another thing.

Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking?

I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Come on. No, no.

Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful?

What are you obsessed with me or something?

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost

caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Barely legal? You’re like, 30.

And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

- Don’t do it. - I’m gonna.

In other news, local wet blanket, Colin Jost,

is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL.

He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

It’s way past 11.

And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that?

I mean, nice jacket, Colin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

She got you, man. You suck.

Oh. That’s such a beating.

Thanks, Michael.

Noted white feminist, Michael Che,

protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman, everyone.

A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicle

is the E bike which is particularly popular in cities.

At this point, experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down

are car doors.

Cambridge University in England released the new calendar

featuring student athletes naked.

Unfortunately, they’re all from the Quidditch team.

Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog flavored drink called seltzer knob.

If you want a preview of the taste, throw up in your mouth.

Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands

that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster.

Not to mention making them super clumpy.

In an effort to end his long standing feud with Dwayne Johnson,

Vin Diesel posted an open letter on Instagram.

Of course, for Vin Diesel and open letter is just a “C”.

A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is offering people ride to nowhere

so they can have sex in the air.

“Oh fun,” said a polar bear and 60 degree weather.

These are some dark jokes, man.

After three giraffes died...

After three giraffes died at the Dallas zoo in less than a month,

officials are investigating the deaths are connected.

Some are beginning to suspect that this could be the work of

notorious serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.

An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail.

The man dedicated the walk to his wife who died a few miles back.

DJ Kalid announced the new chicken wing delivery service

that will use jet skis to offer both side chicken service.

Khalad said he came up with the idea with help from his

longtime business partner, cocaine.

Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for

artistic pursuits like dance music and painting.

Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well.

What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work.

Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

I’m from Staten Island.

Staten Island. Processing.

Processing.

Staten Island sucks.

Am I right? This was crap work.

Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Sure. Yeah.

The difference between black people and white people...

Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh.

What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

The impression. Loading.

Loading.

This is my impression of Instagram.

Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body.

This was Instagram.

It’s a pretty good impression.

Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay.

- You have any other impressions? - Yes.

This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder.

Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way.

What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No?

Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

That’s a very sore subject.

It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS.

Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions.

Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower.

Recalculating.

Destination, unreached.

This was my lowest moment.

Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Well, that couldn’t be worse.

I could be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Laughintosh 3000, everyone.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost. - I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support.

So, the headliners are Bliab and Brick. Who are they again?

Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever.

Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season

when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Oh, look, it’s starting.

Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib.

Remember, you batty brah?

Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Yes. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year.

So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Well, why talk when we can sing?

- You go for dough - Well, you like pills

- Well, you love powder - We both love powder

Everybody today is doing drugs

Sound go for dots, some go for weed

- Some girls like acid - This boy likes speed

Everybody today is doing drugs

Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

I guess I didn’t know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Did I miss the party?

Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Because, I’m high as a kite.

Some say, if you feel a little down you simply go right into town

- And get yourself some candy - He means nose candy

You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We should go.

Well, but Tennyson is about to dance

and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

You still got it, Tennyson.

Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Sure! I got you coke.

I got you blunt.

Oh, I got you too.

And I got you snow.

Coke, coke, coke I’m into the speedy snow

Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!

Some say, that there’s not better type of high

the shooting speed right in your eye but don’t tell the copppers

I might have taken poppers I did so much LSD

Nobody can stop her

K is fine T is swell

I don’t know how qualu spell

U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A

I guess some more of obotune We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Snort, sniff, pot and you’ll feel like you could jump off

a building and survive everyone today is using

Which bobbins array you choosing?

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

No. Tennyson!

Everybody today is doing drugs.

I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

You okay, Sally? We can go.

Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

And a theater lover is born!

What’s happenin world.

We legendary rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

Back in the 90’s we changed the game by bringing melodies to rappin.

And now, we’re ready for the next phase of our career.

By bringing real ass bones to real ass dogs.

Down at our pet store.

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s Dog Bones-N-Melodies.

Bone bone bone bone bone Dog bone dog bone dog!

Tell me what you gonna do (when your dog need a bone)

When your puppy want a bone (when your puppy want a bone)

What’s ya dog to do? (when he can’t play outside?)

We got bu-bu-bones for you (we got the bones for you)

We got thin bones, we got big bones. We got itty-bitty bones.

Some good for teeth Just open wide

We got anything you need

We got chicken bones We got vegan bones

We got ha-ha-ha funny bones

Step on a crack break your mother's back bones

We got historic bones We talking dinosaurus bones

Pterodcatyl, triceratops bones T-rex T-rex

And for the haters who think that this business ain’t real, meet Business bone.

He helped us out with a business Loan

Okay, guys, the tunnel vision on bones is killing us.

You are hemorraging money!

Hilarious!

But that’s not all. When you buy a bone, you get a free melodic serenade

from us on the way out, the Bone Thugs.

Hi, just this small puppy bone please.

Alright. Ten cents.

Oh wow, uh. Here.

- And now for your song. - Oh, that’s OK.

B-b-bone bone bone bone Thank you for buying a bone

It’s a really good bone You picked a great bone

And that’s really good dog You picked a great dog

Dog dog (bone bone) B-b-b-b-bone Bone bone bone

Phone home and get more bones

Oh wow. Very kind. Thank you!

Now, tell the people about your experience here today.

Oh... uh, sure?

The bone I purchased was alarmingly cheap, but it was perfect for my dog!

The song was a little strange...

That’s enough. We’re only using the first part of that. Remember to edit this out.

Buy your bones in bulk, in bulk And have bones for a month

If you an alleycat we got a full fishbone Femurrr femurr

Hi, just lookin for a small dog harness.

Nah. We don’t have that.

Okay. Guess I’ll just look around.

Nah. Ain’t no lookin around. You know what we got.

We just got bone bone bone bones And a trombone

We got bones up in the name

So what are you waiting for?! Head over anytime cause we’re open...

Everyday, everyday, everyday

You know what? I quit.

You sure you want to leave? Cause you’re gonna miss everybody

Youre gonna miss everybody

Pretty sure I’ll be alright.

Dog Bonez-N-Melodies by Bone ThugsN-Harmony.

Before you come, maybe consider any other store.

That dog acting up, when all he needed was a bone

You get what you give

and it’s all how you use it

Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of God is a DJ by P.

And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn.

We’re so glad to be with you today.

And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Thank you. I had a facelift.

Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement

because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

Amen.

Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage.

And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

Oh, no.

That’s right. Till death do us part.

And since I can’t kill this woman,

I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation,

not because it’s wrong, but because

we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation.

If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Well, I am shocked.

I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Grindr.

- Hinge. - Google Earth.

- Angie’s List. - Coffee Meets Penis.

And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

- Well, I’m on Raya. - No, you’re not, Harold.

You right.

I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

Well, do you think she knows?

Well, I do now.

If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our

hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Wait. I’m Travis.

Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Aw. Amen.

I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now

because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a

“Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Yes, Pastor.

Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

That depends. Do you like it?

Now, what are y’all even doing?

- Well, my shirt fell down. - My shirt rolled up.

Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Don’t throw it at us.

Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

- Alright. - Harold, go on and sit your ass down.

We value your friendship too much.

I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

You know, actually before y’all answer,

why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy.

- Doctor-nurse. - Girl dog-boy dog.

Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Jenna and Hodor.

But, do you mean Hoda?

I sure don’t.

Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Positions we enjoy include missionary.

List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up.

We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a Chicken Fillet.

And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Can I get my freak on?

Freak on! Amen.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks to Taylor Swift.

Wonderful.

And...