Original subtitles

Good evening.

I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge.

Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes.

Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again.

Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies,

until all of us yell “Hail Biden”.

And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed.

Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say,

“Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Hello.

Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares?

Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my COVID. I can give it to whoever I want.

But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm

called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay.

Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle,

got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them,

“Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile,

which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day,

my record is still 7-1.

Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed.

Thank you, Aaron.

My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face gets when I talk about nearly

any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me.

My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

And who are most of your voters?

People who didn’t go to college.

Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot.

What is critical race theory?

Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Right. But what is it?

It’s not important.

What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools.

That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force

to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison,

I put down my copy of “50 Shades” and said, “No!”

A woman named Tony? Not my America.

So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never

be allowed in the classroom.

“Holes” sounds sexual.

“Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted

by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade.

“Invisible man” What’s he doing? Where is he?

Can he you see me in my home? Or what I Google?

“The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz.

“Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Get him to Sea World stat.

Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen

who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching

and he just asked us to join us.

Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes.

I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself

on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again.

We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning

where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Really, that’s okay.

Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me.

Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened.

I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well.

I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please?

Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice.

Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening

and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people.

I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords.

The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking.

I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay,

you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune.

Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve.

I said, You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet,

look at all of it, okay? Real swords.

Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips

and it’s very “Game of Thrones”.

And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”,

you know, how it ended and everything.

But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune.

I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies.

And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Well, no. I never did... Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare.

Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this.

You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there.

I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn.

And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay?

Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay?

Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Please don’t say that.

Well, you know what?

Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my God. They don’t like him.

They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please?

These PC folks, they don’t like everything.

These PC folks you can’t please them at all.

They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario.

And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi.

Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together.

And Peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great.

And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great.

You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people?

A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt.

Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better

than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals.

You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse.

It was too diverse and no one wants to see that.

The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes.

Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore

because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden.

And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me.

This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day.

Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes,

and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled.

Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.”

And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin.

I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country.

Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

And your host, Kieran Culkin.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kieran Culkin .

Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I’m so happy to be here right now. I’m Kieran Culkin.

For the past few years, I’ve been working on a show called Succession.

I play Roman Roy. He’s one of the nicer characters on the show

which still makes him one of the top 10 worst humans on TV.

This thing happens. Sometimes people will be like,

“You know, that part really suits you.” Which isn’t really a compliment.

It’s sort of like going up to someone and saying,

“You know what role will fit you like a glove? Giuliani.”

But it’s been a big year.

My wife and I just welcomed our second child in August.

I love being dad. It’s great. And I got asked to host Saturday Night Live.

Which has always been, it’s just been a dream of mine.

And I gotta say, my wife has been really supportive and just

wonderful throughout the process but I have this feeling that

she’s been terrified for me.

Just very nervous and I think she thinks I’m gonna mess up or something,

but Jazz, I don’t know where you are, there you are.

I just want to assure you that everything is going to be fine because

it doesn’t matter even if I do mess up and “Shame the family”.

Thank you. We’re gonna be great. I actually don’t think that’s gonna happen.

That’s really not gonna happen tonight

because this isn’t my first time being here.

I have been on this very stage. I was on an episode of SNL back when

my brother Mac hosted 30 years ago.

Almost to the day. I was nine years old. I got to be in three sketches.

Two of which are non problematic. That’s good.

And at the end of the show, I got to be on the stage for the goodnights

and I think we have a clip. Can we show it?

So, there’s my brother. And the cast is lifting him up on their shoulders.

And there boom. There I am.

Clearly jealous.

My brother’s up there. He’s got his arms up all like victorious

and I’m down there on the ground like, “Me, I want uppies”.

So, check out what I do next. I ask Kevin Nilen to pick me up.

And he goes, “Yeah, okay, sure.”

Just got handed out to the cameras.

I don’t know what that was. Like, De Niro impression? I don’t know.

Anyway, I wanted to show you that clip for two reasons.

One in the hopes that someone from the cast will pick me up again

at the end of the show.

And two, because I have waited 30 years to be back on this stage and say...

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Ed Sheerran is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Yes, hello.

This is a callback request from Spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Hi there. This is Mateus with Spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

I just need to cancel my cable.

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.

Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline

to your current package for 12.99 a month?

No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable.

I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Oh, no. I’m so sorry your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman.

Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

No, that’s personal.

Of course, Mr. Herman.

Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected.

- Do you have a pen and paper handy? - No, not really.

Wonderful, Mr. Herman.

The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five,

G as in 5G, six as in six boys. Thank you.

Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer

pin number that came on your first bill?

My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions.

What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time

for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

This is Donna with Spectrum.

Just to confirm it says here

you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

No. Why would I want that?

I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right?

Pissing me off. Hold please.

Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

Oh my God!

Yeah, hello.

Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Honestly not great. How are you?

I’m not great either, actually.

My life is pretty much falling apart and...

I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection

of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

No Nut November?

Ay, what colors do house man?

I’m sorry.

Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech.

I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network

and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Very cool.

Let me pull up your account. The heck?

It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now.

Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time.

I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Oh God, thank you.

You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen.

We’d lose a ton of money.

Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Oh my God, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

We’re so crazy.

- Sorry about that. I’ll hop off. - Me too.

Don’t both hop off. No.

Hold please.

Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened. Okay?

I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered.

The next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Are you sure, sir?

Yes, 1000% yes.

Very well. I’ll transfer you.

Yes. Hi, who is this?

I am Spectrum,

the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Okay, can you cancel my cable?

There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Great, then cancel my cable.

Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

No, just cancel it.

As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

No. I’m not getting a landline.

Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

What the―?

Sleep tight, old man.

- I’m in. - And we’re in business.

I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you.

Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Fantastic. I’ll let the client know.

- They’re in. - Impressive, Mr. Knight.

But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage.

He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there.

You’re welcome by the way.

Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this.

- Everything all right, Ghost? - Yeah. Yeah.

This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle.

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

What’s going on, Ghost?

This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before.

I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways.

This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

A stick what?

Stick shift.

Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Bitch, I can drive anything,

Including stick?

Nah.

Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get,

- you say stop. - Cool.

- Turn the car on and press the clutch. - Stop.

You say clock?

That boy said clock.

Shut up, old man.

- Put the car in gear. - Stop.

No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot,

put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Flinstein?

Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

60 seconds.

Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia.

- I help, so listen. Yes? - Yes, ma'am.

- Left foot clutch, right foot gas. - Done, baby girl.

- Press clutch, put in gear. - No.

- Then take foot off clutch. - Copy.

- And give gas. - Impossible.

- Then drag, it’s clear? - Nah. But let’s do this.

You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

That’s the trunk.

Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

He ain’t gonna make it.

Ay, boss. We got a problem.

She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger.

It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

A show where I host and other people come here.

And then they leave and so do I.

Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

Love you aunt Dionne.

Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement.

I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

Raindrops Keep falling on my head.

But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red

Alright. Thank you. Thank you.

Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Yeah, alright. Yeah.

You recently post topless for a magazine cover.

That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made.

You are Hussey of the month.

Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John.

So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people.

My question is, does he not have my number?

Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam,

but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Oh, thank you. So am I.

So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Yeah, she’s a singer.

Alright. Well, Cardi B.

Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

You know, these aren’t really about me.

Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try.

Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis.

My nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams.

Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

All right. Now, for our important public health segment.

We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air.

Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

- Keep smiling... - Hi, Ms. Warwick.

- Keep shining. Only you can... - Which arm do you...

Always count on me...

Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll...

- For sure... - Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

That’s what friends are for... Alright.

I didn’t feel a thing.

Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore.

He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour.

My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album?

She too busy making panties or something?

I’m not sure how to answer that.

Well, Kanye change his name to Ye.

Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat?

If I took it off when I see your brain?

Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Alright.

Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Of course, you are. Now you did a song called South of the Border.

My question is are you nasty?

Yes. A little bit.

Oh, good. Cuz I think that’s healthy.

Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso.

What I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Is that the best question for me to answer?

I don’t know. Shoot. All right.

Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

I don’t think it is.

I read that Elton John calls you every morning.

Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else.

Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go.

Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson

that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me.

So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with.

Please welcome Post Malone.

- Hi, Ms. Warwick. - No! No! No!

Oh my God, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

Oh my God. Much better. Much better.

Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

I’m on it.

Alright, you know what, I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons.

Please welcome me.

Alright.

Well, well. Hello.

Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again.

Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer,

but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza,

a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that?

How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know.

Because they paid me. And yes.

Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

- Do they deserve it? - They do.

Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Alright.

What the world is now

Is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing

That there’s just too little love

Yeah, works fine. Thinks knows my coworkers better though.

Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom.

I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

Oh, there he is.

Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

I’ve never said that in my life.

Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss.

So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh?

Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room?

Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

Well, I’m empty. See you later, my guy.

Keep on trucking, my dude.

Oh, love to party in here.

Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it.

That was mean as hell.

I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud?

In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him?

Our arm’s skin is touching.

- Alright, man. See you on ice. - Well, you too.

See you on ice? We work at a pension fund.

Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

I’ve been standing here for so long.

None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working.

Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee.

Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

Hey, what’s up my dudes?

Hey!

So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Not yet.

Why would they? It’s November.

We’re months away from the summertime.

New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

- I’m sorry. Who? Me? - Yeah.

Sorry. what did you say?

I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Oh, yeah, sure. Umm... Umm...

I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

What’s up?

Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

No! But football is crazy.

Crazy.

Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here?

Zagging your chains guys.

And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

I killed a man in 2012.

I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it.

Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell.

But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Don’t you guys love it in here?

No one go in there.

Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night

and I dropped a bomb.

And this dude killed my brother.

What do you think, Doc? Can he ride?

Ride a horse? I’m afraid not, son. This man’s leg is broken in six places.

Wonderful!

Where am I going to find another jockey ten minutes before the Kentucky Derby?

I think I might know someone, Sir.

Who?

Someone great.

And they’re off!

Where is he??

Believe me, Sir. You’ll know him when you see him.

What the heck...?

Yep, that’s me, riding a horse like a skateboard.

You’re probably wondering how I wound up here. Well, it’s kind of a crazy story.

And it goes a little something like this...

So there I was Doing skate tricks at the park

Then I jumped with too much force And I landed on a horse

Great Scott!

If I leaned right or left He’d follow my every move

And if I wanted him to go faster I’d just give him a bag of chips

We were running - really - haaard Through my neighbor’s backyard

Not my azaleas!!!

He could do an ollie And a backside 180, too

And if I asked him nicely He’d do a kiiick flip

This guy is crazy!

Then we went to a track And we won our very first race

But afterwards he didn’t stop So we toured the United States

I hold - on - to - his - tail When we grind on a rail

This is our last race I can’t believe that this is the end

Next week I gotta go to college And they say I can’t bring my friend

It’s gonna be lonely I don’t know what I’m gonna do

I hope that when I’m gone They don’t turn him into glue.

Hey, I think I'm...

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. That’s how I won The Kentucky Derby.

Wouldn’t you know it, they even made a video game about my life.

“Toby Bird, Pro Jockey.”

Not bad for a guy that died later that day. Not bad at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Sheeran.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember,

infrastructure.

Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill,

which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms.

The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is

great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America?

Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin

in Virginia’s governor’s race.

But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race

was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college.

Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

In a wake of republican success in this week’s election,

house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce

a parents bill of rights.

Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill

that can reduce hospitalization among COVID patients by nearly 90%.

And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid

in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr.

Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor.

Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out.

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job

as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop

was elected...

was elected as Virginia’s first black

Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans

to support gun control faster than this picture.

Former president Trump was filmed doing the 'Tomohawk Chop'

at a World Series game in Atlanta.

Native American groups said they found it extremely offensive to see

their culture associated with someone who can't even run a successful casiono.

Last week...

Last week Ice Cube left the upcoming film, “Oh Hell No”

after he declined to get the COVID vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

Sup, Michael? You know what I’m saying?

I’m going through a gangster lumberjack fakes.

Yeah. I can tell. So, why won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Hey, look man, I just rather be myself

then take that vaccine like you other 3 billion bozos.

Yeah, but that’s why you lost this movie.

Not my loss. Your loss.

“Oh Hell No” was going to feature the greatest comedy duo of all time.

IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry crack off, man. You know what I’m saying?

Tried to get a catchphrase though.

- Oh, hell no? - That’s actually correct.

But because it is crazy vaccine mandate, y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Unless they replace you.

Oh, hell nah, man. Who can replace Ice Cube?

- I don’t know. Terry Crews? - Good choice.

- Michael B. Jordan. - Makes even more sense.

Hey, the point is

this mandate is costing the world my art.

I had a bunch of other projects packed into pipe. Check it out, bozo.

If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”, you would love the sequel,

“Barbershop 4, Just A Little Off The Sides”.

But now we can’t make it.

Also we don’t make a prequel to the original Friday movie.

You’ll never guess what it was called?

- Thursday? - That’s correct again.

I was also gonna start a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called

“Uh Oh, Twist Comin”.

The twist is there ain’t no twist.

Everybody went home and the day was a good day.

Cube, if you want to make these movies so bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

The better question is,

why won’t y’all let me make my favorite project?

Featuring the greatest dramatic duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep?

Eating octopus and traits and all over Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”.

Both of us rockin white linen pants suits, no drawers.

No Drawers? How many movies were you making?

Enough! That’s just the tip of the bird, bozo.

And on top of all of that, now I got to run my Big 3 basketball league from home.

Right. That’s the league you created for retired players.

Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to the games.

It’s not the same if you not court side, hearing them knees creek

and them backs crack.

I mean, where else could you watch a bunch of ballers on the wrong side of 40

play unlikely competitive game or 303?

At any YMCA?

Indeed, you could. Indeed, you could.

Cube, just answer the question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about my private medical decisions.

- So, you’re afraid of needles, huh? - Hell, yeah. They scare me.

- Ice Cube, everyone. - Hei, Aron Rodgers, come to the writers.

A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct

of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0.

Apology accepted, said the Jets.

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine

antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk.

Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt

by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

At an 81 year old pharmacist and ennsylvania was arrested for allegedly

trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. So, he’s a pharmacist now.

The International handball federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear

bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms.

But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle.

More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland

after one visitor tested positive for COVID.

So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there.

If you aren’t more careful about COVID, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday.

And I for one thought it’d never come.

A Tiktok went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman.

See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true,

the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis.

Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in Women’s Whole Health v. Texas

about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions

after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up... Well, this can’t be right,

Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

So Goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower.

- You’re not gonna squirt me, are you? - Oh, I would never.

- Oh, okay! - Oh, gotcha.

I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday.

Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up.

So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject,

so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable.

Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

- You don’t have to do this, Cecily. - Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober.

And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23

is my personal clown business.

But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time.

Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in 1973. Here.

Can you stop saying clown abortion?

- And what is this? - It’s a worm. I don’t know.

Hey, did you know 1 in 3 clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime?

You don’t because they don’t tell you.

They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it.

Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim

of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion

wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

- What? Abortion? - Well, I guess kind of.

You know it’s funny, Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

- No. - Laugh. I need it.

I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked

if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along.

And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke.

It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke.

But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke.

The best kind. A honka honka!

- Good horn. - Killer horn.

I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room,

they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion

story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone.

And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns,

one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion

and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too

because that’s how common it is.

And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it.

But it’s like, “We kept this secret for so long

despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

So, wait. Are clowns women?

Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

That’s not what I said.

Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth.

I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion

I had the day before my 23rd birthday.

Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves.

It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible.

We will not go back to the alley.

I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Goober the clown, everyone.

Y’all better disable comments in this one.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost. - I'm Michael Che, goodnight.

You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is

down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter.

And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Well, myself and these boy scouts

will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Yeah.

That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

Hey, guys.

Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40.

And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Oh boy. Here we go.

The leaves are turning all around

and the grass is turning brown the wind is getting colder and the...

This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching.

Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four.

Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind.

Life threatening winds and flooding expected.

May God have mercy on your souls.

Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation.

Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics,

that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad.

But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one.

I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial

so you can change into something more appropriate?

Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall

could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here.

Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see.

This is a large fast moving storm.

Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap.

There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here.

The winds are now reaching... Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

- Riley? - Oh, that is very dangerous.

- Riley? - Yeah. Yeah.

Take the turkey off your head.

Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom―

Don’g call him that.

Katie, please. Turkey Tom,

could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened.

We should expect many, many casualties.

Just take the turkey hat off.

Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett Beach.

- Beth, any sign of the storm down there? - Yes.

Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

The sea took them.

Oh my God. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

I do. Yes.

I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after.

- We don’t. - Boo!

No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this.

I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

- Hey, that’s not on you. - Yes, it absolutely is.

Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change.

Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Once again, Ed Sheeran.

I’m sorry you and Angie broke up

but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

- I’m not calling her guys. - Why not?

Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either.

I was really a jerk to her.

I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that.

Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

- Hello. - Hey, Ange.

It’s me. Yeah, it’s John.

Fuck you.

- What? - Fuck you.

- No! Why are you saying that? - Stop.

What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

- Say what you said earlier. - Say something else.

The being vulnerable thing.

- Go fuck yourself. - Oh, no.

I never liked you in the first place, girly.

- What did she say? - You got to bail me out.

- You want me to talk to her? - Bail me out.

Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna... Fuck you.

No! Oh my God.

- Fuck you, loser. - No!

- Am I doing it too? - Yes.

I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

Get off the phone.

Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

- Come on, man! - It’s my ex girlfriend.

Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Oh, dude. It’s on mute. Fuck you, bitch.

Why are we so off today?

Ange?

- She hung up on me. - Are you serious?

- Very mature. - Blew it again with the love of my life.

Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.”

She did not like that.

But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends.

She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song.

She was... Oh my God, she’s on her way up.

You mother[bleep].

Angie.

No, no, no. Angie!

Thanks to Ed Sheeran, Tracy Morgan, Dionne Warwick,

a special thanks to my brother Mac for letting me share the stage

with him 30 years ago.

The cast, the crew, everyone.

I love you. This is amazing! I love you!