Original subtitles

Send in my Press Secretary, Jin Psaki.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings

with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Okay. Your CNN Town Hall was watched by no one.

And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Ice cold Psaki bomb.

But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

I don’t understand. People used to like me.

The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me.

Where the hell did that guy go?

Hey, yo!

Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking.

How the hell are you, buddy?

Wait a second. Who are you?

Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you!

I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past.

How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree.

- So... What’s the word I’m looking for? - Lucid?

Yeah.

Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP.

Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor.

Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns.

Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Apparently both.

Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on.

What happened to us? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get a whiff.

Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Yeah, I do.

Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Oh yeah?

He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House,

got into fight with the Pope.

Hillary got awesome.

Actually...

- What? - Well, never mind.

Okay. Alright.

Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill

but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah!

That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character.

That’s a real person?

How’s days, fellas? Just

- Who the hell are you? - I’m Joe Biden.

From when?

March 2021.

You guys good? Need anything?

- Um, we’re okay. - Yeah, we’re good, man.

- Alright. Rock on. - Yeah. Alright.

Good looking guy.

Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah.

You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013.

I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style!

That song’s still popular, right?

Come on, don’t leave.

- What? - I can’t do this without you.

Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me.

And I want you to stand tall.

I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got.

And remember, we my be from different eras.

But at the end of the day, we’re both...

Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much.

It is great to be back here at Saturday Night Live.

And it is even greater to be hosting the show for my first and very last time.

For those of you who don't know, I've worked here at SNL for 10 years

and as an actor's dozen, we say.

It's so neat to be a small part of this show's amazing history.

A history that fueled for its first 25 years by cocaine and adrenaline,

its next fifteen years by Starbucks and comparison,

and the last six years by Adderall and fear.

My last season on the show was in 2013.

And since then, I've had two children. Otis and Daisy.

Great kids, just incredible kids.

I don’t know how old they are exactly.

I just don’t pay attention to that kinda stuff.

They’re like this tall and this tall. But they’re great, you gotta trust me on that.

The last couple of years though, I’ve been working on a show called “Ted Lasso”.

Yeah. I mean, no, hey, thank you.

Which somehow became a hit. And is truly shocking to me

cuz it’s built around two things Americans hate: Soccer. And kindness.

I don't know...

But it’s great to be back here, in 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

This building is incredible. And I’ve really enjoyed getting to meet all the

new cast and writers. It’s fun to come back, as the ‘veteran’.

Different folks asking me for advice.

Like, “I love working here, but what should I do next?”,

or “How do I get Lorne to notice me?”. You know, stuff like that.

And, honestly, swear to God, I found myself giving the same advice to

every single person. I was just like, you know, win an Emmy.

And if ya can, win two. Double up, that's the best way to do it. It really does,

it just sets you up for success, I've found.

All kidding aside it’s really special to be back in Studio 8H, this room, here.

I mean, this place is historic, okay? You know, like...

Just for a second, just look around. For real.

Even you, amazing people working in the crew, look around for a second.

Think about all the brilliance that’s happened in here.

All your favourite sketches: “Wild and Crazy Guys”, “Gilly”, “Cowbell”

all happened right here, in here, where you are.

All of our collective comedy heroes have run aroung through here.

Have almost ran into all of you fancy people they give these nice seats.

Like Farley, Gilda, Eddie, Tina. And then over here ya got where the music happened.

All the music: Elvis Costello, Kanye, Nirvana, The Rolling Stones.

In here.

This place changed my life. Twice. Once as a cast member, as a writer.

But most importantenly as a kid watching from home.

And there’s a good chance, if you’re watching tonight,

something from this place probably changed your life too.

And, I'll tell you this, if this is your first time watching the show...

well this one probably won’t change your life,

but we gotta great show for ya tonight.

Brandi Carlile is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically.

Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room.

I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers,

Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

- Good. - Bad.

Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too.

- Cool. - Cool.

Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.

Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model.

Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

- Balls. - Yeah, balls.

Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system.

And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets.

I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay?

Now, Josh, can you point the planet Earth on this model?

No, no, Josh. That’s the Sun.

No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remember? Josh is wrong here.

We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Okay, good.

Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet Earth?

No, did you not just see? No. Look, Earth is right here.

No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

- Sorry. - No, don’t apologize.

Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize.

- You don’t do it, you don’t apologize. - Okay.

Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass

are attracted to one another. And gravity is... Don’t mess with them.

Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them.

Gravity is what makes our planets... No, stop. Stop touching it.

It makes our planets orbit around the Sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop it!

They orbit around the Sun because... I swear to God !

Because sun is a large... Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this?

Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay?

Now this one right here, what’s this?

- A ball. - No, Lonnie.

No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet...

- Hollywood? - No.

No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

- Oh. Phoenix? - No.

- No. That’s a city in Arizona. - Oh, Tempi?

No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on.

Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? Alright.

Just checking. All right, good.

Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Nothing, I’m good.

No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

- Um, black lives? - No! No, no, no.

- All lives? - No. Not all lives. No!

Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Oh, like the balls?

No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it.

Just ignore the balls.

My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Don’t. Don’t.

My sister said the guy likes it.

Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what?

Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate

- gravity. - Oh, more balls.

- Yeah. Cool. - Stop. No. Look, this is...

If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen?

- It will fall... - In love?

Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh.

No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop...

It like it’s hot?

Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash...

That subscribe button?

That’s enough!

Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids?

You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

- Who are you? - I’m Josh’s father.

Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job.

Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

- I’m sorry. - Great. Thank you.

- And who are you, lady? - I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time.

Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony?

Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child.

Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here.

Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it.

No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Over there!

That way, dummy! That way! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

Stop clapping!

Post covid, men are staying home more than ever before

and they need a day time talkshow that speaks to them.

ABS thought bout it for 10 seconds and came up with Mellen! The male Ellen.

I’m Mellen.

Mellen, all the fun day time entertainer Ellen with the hard masculine edge.

Mellen is no holds barred in your face entertainment.

Mellen’s a man’s man. And you never know what Mellen might do next.

Mellen just won’t high-five the audience. He’ll nut tap them too.

And you better believe there’s dancing. Awkward male dancing.

Instead of the cute inspiring kids that Ellen has on,

Mellen has kids who slap their teachers to get famous on TikTok.

Someone get that kid a beer. I’m Mellen.

And just like Ellen, Mellen’s got sneak up surprises.

Now, Kyrie Irving, you’re still refusing to get vaccinated, correct?

- That’s right. - Oh, tell me more.

See. I’m just as good as a player over zoom. You know what I mean?

You got me again, Mellen.

You just got vaxed, Mellen style.

I’m mad.

Put some protein in your daytime TV with the show critics are calling

“Is this real?”, and Elle’s lawyers are calling, “Cease and desist.”

Don’t miss segments like ‘Which crypto is popping right now’ and

‘what happens if you smoke a full cigar then try to run across a football field’.

Plus, we’re cooking a wild boar meat with Joe Rogan

and the guy from the Ancient Aliens who might be Joe Rogan in the wig.

And don’t miss fun audience giveaways.

Now, if you look under your seats,

everyone in your studio audience gets a wet bath towel to whip each other with.

A week ago, Mellen was just a fan of bar stool sports

and the high volume poster on 4chan.

Then he agreed to dye his hair and legally change his name to Mellen.

And Mellen loves pranks too.

Like when I sent Flyers mascots Gritty to bust into random woman’s bathroom.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

Mellen will show you some entry level TikTok dances that even dads can follow.

And Mellen welcomes heroic psychopaths like Conor McGregor

and he gets them to open up the only way men can. While holding golf gloves.

Conor, why do you think you punch random strangers?

It’s like this. People say dog fight. Use your word.

I can take you, McGregor.

Let’s do it right now.

And don’t miss our new segment on our male pattern baldness,

‘Keep it or clip it’, with Louis C.K.

I love this segment. I think it’s amazing.

These dudes think they look cool and they suck.

Hold that thought, Louis. Because Mellen is about to have a serious heart to heart

with the man, the myth, the myth, Jake Paul.

So, Jake, you wanna announce your next fight?

Actually, yeah I do. Yo, Mohammad Ali. I’m coming for you.

- In the ring. In the street. - But I think he’s dead.

In the graveyard. You can’t hide from me forever, Ali.

And it’s in the contract if I win, you hav to change your name back to Cashus Clay.

Yo!

Mellen, he’s the male Ellen. And that’s as far as we thought it through.

I’m Mellen.

Sponsored by Peyronies disease. Not the treatment. The actual disease.

Just have fun with it.

We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house.

It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America.

But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too.

And I may be getting ahead of myself but...

I think you’re gonna like it here

Golly, who are all these people?

Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Make as big of a mess as you want.

Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

It will be my pleasure.

Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

You’ll be excellent student.

Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

You’ll be in shape in no time.

And I’m not a creep or anything like that.

Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or something.

So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for

Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

What’s illegal?

If you got money? Not much. You know?

- Anyway, I’ll get out of your red hair. - Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

- Ms. May? - I clean and swim.

Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

- You will? - Yeah, whatever.

But you know, since it came up,

I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

No. Her name is Annie.

Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay?

Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay?

And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

- What? - Yeah.

Good God . What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

It’s nothing. Anyway, I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze,

look me now, holy cow...

Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable.

We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Christ! Okay, here’s how it is.

Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony

where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Oh, God . Are they eating...

No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people.

They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright?

And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

- No, no, no. - Amy, that’s not for you. Okay.

Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

We’ve never had a little girl.

And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay?

All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

We have but one request

Don’t look in the freezer

I think you’re gonna like it here

My home is your home, Annie.

Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Oh, yeah.

And what will we be eating?

Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

- Knock, knock. - Hey, there.

Oh, hey. How are you doing? You must be Mr. an Mrs. Walkerson. Right?

Great. Please, take a seat.

I have heard so much about you two from Skyler.

Really? Like what?

Oh, I’m sorry. Not really. That’s just something I say to all the parents.

I apologize for the small chairs.

No, it’s alright. But I look ridiculous sitting on this thing.

No. Stop. You look great.

You know what? I’ll take it.

Ah, well, so here’s the headline. Skyler is one cool kid.

Trust me, he gets that from his mom.

Aww, sweetie!

Well, first of all we want to thank you for teaching our son to love reading.

Yeah, he reads every night . It’s amazing.

Well, I mean he’s a smart kid. The reading part was easy.

The math stuff however, he’s having a tougher time with.

Especially, fractions.

Right, yeah. Now, that he got from me.

I mean, you have a very infectious laugh.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Yeah.

So, fractions, right? That’s Skyler’s main problem?

Yeah, exactly. You know what, I just think he finds math a little boring.

Which I get, trust me. But he may need some additional help. Tutor perhaps.

I see. Yeah. We can do that.

Yeah. And are you available?

I mean... in what sense?

- Well, you tell me... - To tutor our son.

No. I don’t see students outside school. It’s just a little rule of mine.

Seems smart. And how would we find a tutor?

Well, do you ever break the rules?

Yeah, sometimes. Kind of depends who’s asking.

Well, I’m asking.

Okay, then.

I’m sorry. So, yes, you are gonna tutor Skyler? Or...

No, no, no. Definitely not.

But you know, I do have a list of tutors vetted by the school here.

- If you're interested. - Yeah. That’d be great. Yeah. Thank you.

- Hey, I don’t see your number here. - He’s not available. He just said that.

And you’re not worried about his development or anything, right?

No, no, no. Skyler is a total sweetheart. In fact, I’m trying to think.

I don’t think I’ve had to punish the little guy once.

Punish? Okay. Wow.

You did not strike me as the punishing type.

Well, you don’t know me very well.

Do you, Miss thang?

Okay, I’m not crazy about the whole miss Thang.

But anyway, thanks for meeting with us.

Yeah, we’ll take a look at this list. And have a great night.

- Yeah, you too. Enjoy. - Wait!

Are you mad at me?

What makes you think I’m mad at you?

I don’t know. You seem mad at me. Mr. Mad.

Trust me, if I was mad at you, you’d know.

Well, so, I’m not... I’m actually getting a little mad right now.

Well, what are you gonna put me in time out?

I don’t know. You deserve it?

You tell me. You’re the one in charge.

Say it again.

You’re in charge.

You’re damn right.

What the hell is going on here?

I want you to walk that sweet thing over to the chalkboard here and write

“I’ve been bad”, okay?

Yes, sir. Right away.

Hey, listen pal, I don’t know if you think I’m the kind of guy who just stands by

and watches this sort of thing happen with his wife, but I’m not.

Should I use the little chalk or the big chalk?

I’d say you give the big chalk a shot.

Okay. I’m not used to chalk this big.

Good one, babe. Ha-ha-ha. I’m serious, man.

That’s my wife. I’m- I’m gonna do something.

- I have never felt this way before. - I know.

I want you so bad.

Then have me, my love.

No!

I’m not messing around, okay? I’ma count to three.

- Hold this. - Okay.

One. Two.

Two and half.

Two and five seven. Oh, I’m so bad at fractions.

You’re a man.

- Tough. - Strong.

Rugged.

And you need underwear that’s the same.

Not some designer junk that comes in a fancy little tube.

For my manly body, that ain’t gonna cut it.

You might as well throw those underwear right in the trash.

And if you’re like me, you’re sick of throwing your underwear in trash.

Like, one time you make a little mistake,

now you gotta throw your underwear in the trash again. What a rip off.

Well, not anymore.

Introducing Jake’s non-stick underwear for men.

The only underwear that’s made with a high-tech ceramic coating

you find in the world’s finest cook wear insuring maximum protection

for you manly mistakes.

Coz you’re a man and you work hard for your money.

So, stop wasting it by putting your underwear in two plastic bags,

tying it in a knot and throwing them in a very bottom of the bathroom trash

every time you make a mistake.

With Jake’s non-stick underwear, my mistakes slide right off,

right down my pant leg.

And they’re easy to clean.

Just wipe with a cloth or dry paper towel and they’re as good as new.

Now, the only thing you gotta worry about is putting those paper towels

in two plastic bags along with your pants, sometimes your socks,

tying them in a knot and tossing that out of your office window.

That’s way cheaper. So, no more itching in your board meetings.

No more hearing, “You know who make fun of your mistakes to her friends”.

Girl, it was like somebody dragged this man in mud.

Don’t make any sense. And he didn’t even notice.

You shouldn’t have to buy a new underwear

every time you get nervous at an important dinner.

Or you cough too hard.

Or you got hit in the stomach.

Or your new protein powder doesn’t agree with you.

Or coz you had whiskey last night.

Or sometimes, nothing at all. It’s like you wipe real good for like, an hour.

And nothing is on the paper.

And then you go home, it’s a warsack test in the back of your pants.

He’s like a little boy.

I’m a man!

Yes, you are.

So, ask your doctor about Jake’s Non-stick prescription underwear for men.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brandi Carlile.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys.

So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week.

No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now.

Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.”

Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. Yeah. That’s my guy.

Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man,

Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress.

But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex.

So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.

After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly

planning to change the company name.

So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure,

the answer is exactly as well as Kanye.

Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention

says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy

to pay for president Biden’s agenda.

Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires.

Because it’s so hard to hear from Space.

Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network

he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name

‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.

The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines.

As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic.

Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said,

“Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.”

Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective.

Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine

for children is just CapriSun.

At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing

mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.”

Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.

Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted

that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border.

Though, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that during meetings,

President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation.

More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.

The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers

to defy the city’s vaccine mandate

which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.

Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service

will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early.

Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers

since January 6th.

A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth...

A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which...

I know, recent.

A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen

slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member.

And it gets worse. He then started singing.

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’,

a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm

while fully clothed without touching.

Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.

The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida.

But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.

After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove

a statue of Thomas Jefferson from City Hall.

They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue

there was a hot black lady outside.

Well, the news...

Well, the news these past few years has been pretty bleak.

And it seems to be continuing in that direction. Here to comment is the devil.

Good to see you, Colin. How are you, Michael?

Yes! Alright. What’s up, Colin?

It’s just great to see you, Devil. We haven’t seen you in four or five years.

Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby. Yeah.

Last few years have been pretty good for the old Beelzebub here.

Yeah. Well, congratulations. What are you been working on lately?

Oh, man. So many little side projects. Earthquakes. Got some killer storms.

Instagram for kids.

Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and the climate. Climate! Come on!

Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been making things up here

feel more like where I’m from. That’s all. You ever been to Florida?

That’s not that different from hell.

It’s basically pre hell.

It’s people in their 100s and the temperatures are also in their 100s.

Florida is where I beta test a lot of new ideas, okay?

Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup ride. Love for it. Love it.

Yeah. It must be fun. Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also in the sports.

Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in sports. You saw that the Astros won.

They shouldn’t have.

Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady still going strong, right?

I actually keep his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

- Handsome guy, still. - Oh, yeah. He still got it.

He still got it going on. Absolutely.

I appreciate you coming by to explain all this.

Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually glad to get out of hell for a minute.

Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns off.

You know, I actually got to build a new...

Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn... It’s my phone.

Sorry! Sorry! Ah! Prince Andrew. Again.

Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my phone up all the time.

All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re coming out of you know...

I look pretty good though.

Okay, that's your takeaway. I know that looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but...

Not me. Not me. I’m a street creed.

Is there anything else that you’d like to take credit for?

Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me.

I invented vaping. I’m proud of that one.

Well, you know when you’re trying to read an article online

and the ad at the top gets real big and takes up half the screen

no matter how much you scroll and is still there? Me!

That’s a great one. Great work.

And I just have to ask, what about Qanon. Was that you?

Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are crazy.

A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking satan worshipping paedophiles exist.

It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good name into your sick fantasy. Alright?

You take that back right now. You take it back, Colin. Okay?

Or else I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlett, okay?

- That’s not what happened. - You baby trapped her.

- That’s not accurate. - You baby trapped her.

That’s not accurate. Not accurate

It is true. I don’t know who screwed her more. You or Disney.

Baby trapped her.

True.

You’re pretty worked up.

Yeah! I am. I’ve just been working a ton.

I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job and sometimes I gotta relax, okay?

And this year, I’m gonna blush now. I got the greatest lap dance of my life.

True. That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

The Devil, everyone.

I hacked Michael Che.

For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

I’m Michael Che. I knew it was you.

It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition.

Taking on the issues of today with soul.

Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac.

Model and actress, Emily Ratajkowski.

And from Succession, Nicholas Braun.

Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

I woke up this morning and I got out of bed

had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head

hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat

to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That

where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy.

Might get a little sneaky.

Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy.

It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy,

it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?

Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun.

Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing?

And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better.

That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay.

Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do.

I know you do.

And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Meow, Deandre.

Well, me to the yow to you too.

And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 12 years,

Lindsay Buckenham.

No. No. Sorry. I’m...

Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Whatever, Lindsay. Now, Oscar.

You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage,

the Card Counter and Doom.

How do you play so many different characters?

It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people.

But there are similarities to them.

What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

No. No. Go ahead.

All right. Okay.

Well, in a sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Existential crisis.

Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them.

They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Pain, loss and confusion.

Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room

to explore something interesting.

Exploring in the depths, and I got to say

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky

because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

Eat your face, HeeBee Beegees you better eat your face,

that beautiful face

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs,

Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball.

You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up... I say what’s up...

somebody tell me what is up with that?

Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch

that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

I flew out for this?

And we thank you for your service.

And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham.

Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest.

And Vance, take care of your knees, man.

Until next time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee...

We hold this truths to be self evident

that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator

with certain unalienable rights.

- How does that sound? - Yeah.

Fantastic. I must say, this Declaration of Independence is coming along quite nice.

Any ideas for what our declaration should say next?

Perhaps we should detail these unalienable rights.

Yes, very good.

Absolutely. And I think we should also guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.

I like that.

Yes. As well as one’s right to pursuit of happiness.

Yes.

Oh, that’s great. And hey,

what if we put like, a sick ass treasure map on this thing?

Right? Right?

What?

No. I’m just thinking like, how sick would it be?

If we put like, a tight ass treasure map on this bitch, right?

We’re kind of defining our nation’s values right now.

Yeah, I know. And that’s great for the front.

But what if on the back is just like,

a boss ass treasure map? Right?

Yeah. No. But I think this meeting here is more about establishing the country.

Alright. Yes. No. Okay.

So, you know, the treasure map, it probably doesn’t make sense.

Yeah. I’m okay.

Okay. But I really like the idea.

- No, you don’t. - Yes, I do.

Can we please get back to work?

Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this declaration also addresses

our grievances towards the king.

- He’s a tyrant. - Down with the king.

It wouldn’t be for babies.

What do you say? What is that?

The treasure map. In case that’s what you don’t like about it.

It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies. It would be for grown ups.

No one was thinking that.

No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is it’s not for babies?

Well, that’s interesting. So, we could hide clues around town?

- Oh my God, that’s incredible. - Yeah? Alright.

Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.

Well, as long as we’re pitching on it, maybe people do teams.

What did you just say?

Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then maybe they need to do it in teams.

I love that.

What if, like, every team has a strong guy and a smart guy?

- Oh my God ! - Yes. Absolutely.

Yes, and what about an art guy?

Yeah. And obviously the other teams would need a gadget guy.

Absolutely. Gadget guy.

Always in the van.

Always in the van. That’s where the tech’s at.

Yes.

Gentlemen, please, this Declaration does not need a sick ass treasure map

because it already is a map.

A map that leads to the greatest treasure of all, democracy.

Boo! No. Lame! Oh, my God.

Who are you?

Well, we com from the future where the Declaration has nothing on the back

and people are pissed.

With no clues to solve, the people have resorted to violence.

Do the right thing. You’ve been warned.

Let’s do it! Yeah!

Once again, Brandi Carlile.

I’ll take another one. A double, this time.

Honey, sitting here getting wasted isn’t gonna change anything.

Well I don’t know what else to do, Jo. We’ve just lost everything.

But why would you go all in with a pair of 4’s?

It’s called bluffing! Are you trying to make me feel worse?

No! Baby, I’m just trying to understand.

All you need to understand is our savings are back to zero.

We can forget about ever buying a new house. Your dad was right.

I’m not a man. I’m a little fat girl.

- Don’t say that! - That's what he said.

Rough night?

- What? - Your night. It’s rough, right?

I’m really not in the mood to talk, buddy.

Is that your wife?

- Yea, that’s my wife... - She is beautiful.

Buddy, I asked you nicely to leave us alone.

Look. I don’t want any trouble. But I am a very, very wealthy man.

And I think your wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

- What did you just say to me? - Let’s just go back to the room, babe.

Hang on. What do you want man?

One night. With your wife. For two. Thousand. Dollars.

Oh my God.

Alright, I’m about to fist fight you, dude.

How about five million dollars?

Five million dollars?

Like I said, I’m a very, very wealthy man.

That’s a lot of money just to sleep with me...

Plus, I could probably double it playing baccarat!

No. Baby, no more gambling. It’s already more than enough money.

You’re right. You’re right. But you’d have to sleep with this guy...

So?

Are we doing this...?

I mean, it’s five million dollars...

How ‘bout ten thousand dollars.

- Ten thousand? - What happened to five million?

So we’re negotiating. Fine. Let’s meet in the middle. Twenty thousand dollars.

How is that the middle?

Look I’m not sleeping with you for any amount of money. So just get away from us.

Not even for the six million dollars?

Are you actually offering us six million dollars?

Even better. I’m offering you fifty thousand dollars.

How’s that better?

It’s easier to carry.

Dude, I’m giving you ten seconds.

Deal. Sold. I only need eight.

I meant, to get away from us.

Fine. But one last offer. One full night with your wife

for three million doll-hairs.

Are you saying “doll-hairs”? Or dollars?

Beauty and smarts. I like that. I’m going to enjoy sleeping with you more now.

This guy is crazy. Bartender, we’ll take the check.

Okay, look. I’m a very, very wealthy man.

I’ll give you 600 thousand dollars, for one night with your wife.

For real. Last offer. No joke.

No.

Baby. Think about this. That’s still a lot of money.

We could get the house and I could go to college.

And it’s only for one night.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Okay. 55 thousand. Cash.

Why do you keep changing it?

You know what, let me see the money.

- The money? - Yea, the 55 thousand in cash.

I wanna see it.

Oh, well. It’s in this briefcase.

- What briefcase? - You’re not holding anything.

- Ya’ll got Venmo? - This guy’s nuts.

Fine. Hang on. What if she has sex with me?

That’s already what you’ve been asking.

Bartender! Check please!

Fine. I’ll pay that check. But you have to watch me

- have sex with your wife. - No!

Fine. No sex. But you pay for my check too.

- No! - Okay. Fine.

I’ll bet you a hundred dollars I can sleep with your wife.

- Deal. - No, no, no more gambling!

- You’re right. No. - Fine. One zillion doll-hairs.

Thank you to Brandi Carlile.

Oscar Isaac. Emily Ratajkowski. Nicolaus Braun. Fred Armisen.

This cast, this crew, incredible crew, the writers.

Lauren, Steve, all the producers.

It's amazing to come home. When they say you can't come home again,

that's BS, you actually can and it's really nice sometimes.

Alright, thank you so much, yeah.