Original subtitles

And now, a message from the National Football League.

Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’

and I handle public relations for the NFL.

So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know.

Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal.

This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

You don’t really have to boo.

Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV,

it’s never good.

This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia.

But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions.

I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden

were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me.

I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word,

the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word.

And once weirdly I was called a DILF.

That was kind of sweet.

I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength.

And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them.

Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”

But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel.

So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there.

I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago,

or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday.

But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body.

When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’,

that wasn’t racial.

I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy.

Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out?

Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct,

hear me out.

So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates,

which are warships.

I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!”

That’s when a warship’s on fire.

Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.”

That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it!

My point is I never meant to hurt anyone.

I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter.

So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances,

Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision.

Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better.

Okay? We need to, as I always tell my barber, air higher!

And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair

and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut.

But we’re making this right and moving on.

So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach,

Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

Hey, guys. Thank you.

It is an honor to take over this storied franchise

and a real shame that I have to immediately resign.

They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches.

I put the F word in the subject line.

I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.”

And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails,

“LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone.

I was the equipment manager five minutes ago,

then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.”

So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind.

Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that.

Also, I’m resigning immediately.

I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me.

I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween,

but 2019 was a different era.

Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations

for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name.

And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization

do not reflect the values of our team.

A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins.

I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails,

lighten up!

They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee

and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!”

That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot.

We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes.

Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza.

I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

Speaking of not right, hi! I’m Colin Kaepernick.

Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah!

I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before!

I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that.

Scratch, scratch!

It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut.

But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy.

Someone even Twitter can get behind.

Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

Alright. Thank you very much.

Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik.

I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300.

What is a handoff?

I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine.

Take us out, Levar.

Field goal in the sky, I am the head coach guy

Just take a look in the play book

- we’re playing football - We’re playing football

They’re not playing football

And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rami Malek!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I’m so excited to be here.

My name is Rami Malek and I’m honored to be standing on this stage.

You know, I’ve played a lot of dramatic roles in my career.

Most recently, the new Bon villain.

Thank you. But I don’t usually do comedy.

Yes, I try to play these really intense characters

which makes a lot of sense because people tell me I have

what’s called a resting villain face.

Like, this is my totally neutral.

And I know most people would rather play the hero but weirdly,

I’ve always been more drawn to villains.

I sympathize with them, you know? In “Lion King”, I’m team Scar.

I actually found Simba to be kind of annoying.

You want to be king? You’re like, three years old. Relax!

And in “Silence of the lambs”, I’m always like, “That poor Hannibal.”

I mean, that lady just keeps coming in an asking him all these questions.

It’s like, leave the guy alone, Clarice!

I think a lot of the times villains are just misunderstood.

For example, Jaw’s hungry,

Dracula’s thirsty, Frankenstein is horny.

I can keep going, Darth Vader is just trying to reconnect with his son.

Freddie Kruger, encouraging kids to dream.

But you know what? It’s nice to see villains finally getting some respect.

I mean, Disney’s even made movies where

the villain’s names are in the title, right?

You got “Cruella”, “Malificent”, “Bambi”.

But look, honestly, I’m happy to play the villain. I’m so happy to be in movies.

I never thought this would be my life.

I’m a son of Egyptian immigrants and I had this kind of sheltered childhood.

It was so sheltered, I grew up in the San Fernando valley in LA,

but somehow I had no idea that I lived right next to Hollywood.

Seriously, as a kid, I dreamed of going to The Walk of Fame, The Sunset Strip,

and I truly thought that was a million miles away.

And it was just a 10 minute drive. Well, it’s three hours with traffic.

But it was great. I loved growing up there with my family, my mom, my sister, my dad,

and my twin brother. Yeah, I got a twin.

And yes, he will be swapping places with me in one sketch tonight.

And you’ll never know which one.

It might even be right now.

Nah, I’m kidding. It’s me, Rami.

Or is it?

No, it is.

But really, this is such a special night for me.

Both of my siblings are here and I’m so proud of them.

My brother’s a teacher. My sister’s an ER doctor.

They are truly incredible people

and they have devoted their lives to helping others.

But I have an Oscar, so...

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Young Thug is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Okay, hello everyone and welcome. I am Principle Carter.

It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly.

Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.

And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.

So, without further due, bugs.

I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.

I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!

I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.

And I am daddy long legs

Great! Well...

your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.

Let’s hear about your diets.

I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking.

Don’t get me in trouble.

I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.

And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys.

Okay.

- Russel... - Call me daddy.

Okay, daddy,

I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.

Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.

- Okay, and daddy... - I don’t want that from you.

Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?

Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected.

No more questions.

Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.

I got scared. I’ve only done it once.

I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.

- There are no judges. - Yeah. What is this kid’s deal?

Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican.

And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.

Got it. Got it.

I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair.

He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.

Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.

Thanks Kev.

Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.

It wasn’t a fit.

Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?

I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?

I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”

Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?

Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.

Okay. Daisy, take a time out.

I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.

Alright. Let’s just relax and move on.

One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact.

Since you’re such an artistic bunch,

let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.

Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.

It’s been a while. You look worse. Who let you in?

- What? - Oh, stinkbug. I miss you.

I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.

Alright! That is enough!

Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far.

Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.

You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay?

I can too. I have charisma.

Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way.

Johnny, that was amazing.

I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo.

We’re getting you a show.

Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.

Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight.

Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!

Don't got a lot of money Drive a rusted out Chevy

I just got laid off Bar tabain'tpaid off

My ex-wifehates me Even had to sell mypuppy

Yes, I'm broke and it's a damn shame Guess I gotta play the Squid Game

Yes, I gotta play the Squid Game My only option is the Squid Game

Have a number, not a real name 'Cause I'm playin' in the Squid Game

Weird cards, pink guards Locked us in a big room

They got symbols on their faces Like the ones on PlayStations

And the main guy looks like Doctor Doom

Bunk beds, new friends Piggy bank up in the sky

Thre's a robot girl Who caught me runnin'

Bettr duck behind the nearest guy

Wait, what?

They're yelling at me in Korean and nothing is translated

Broke my cookie and I got eliminated

Got a crazy girlfriend and I think she might stab me

After I was dead, they took my eyeball and my kidney

Hey, hey. Where you going with that?

That's what happens in the Squid Game People die in the...

Red light!

Green light!

That's the way you play the Squid Game

Red light!

Green light!

That's what happens in the Squid Game

45 billion won That's a whole lotta money

At least I think it is I'm confused by the currency

Anyway, I'm on a glass bridge And I think I'm gonna win

Hey look, it's my friend Pete

And you go bye-bye now

Hey, I just won the Squid Game Killed all my friends in the Squid Game

My body is completely maimed Why the hell'd I play the Squid Game?

So I went back to my hometown Got a cool red haircut

Gonna live my life better now I've grown in so many ways

Then one day I got bored and I took all my money and I bet it on the Jets

I'm goin' back to the Squid Game

I'm terrible with money

The guards think it's pretty funny That I'm back in the Squid Game

Pete has been eliminated

That's what happens in the Squid Game

Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.

I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult.

What do you think, Jordon Peele?

I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?

Definitely.

You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?

Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?

Wow, this is gonna be tough.

First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.

But obviously, we can only pick one.

- Of course. - Right. Right.

So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.

A Prince off, sir?

What the hell is a Prince off?

Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script

and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.

We can do that.

Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.

Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.

Good.

Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.

Oh my god, this is so hard.

Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.

Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.

Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.

Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.

Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.

And cut. How do we choose?

God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.

So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?

I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.

Thank you. I was up all night making this look.

Thirsty.

And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.

Yes, that is correct.

But you are black and Rami is not.

Thank you very much.

You know, that’s not fair.

I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.

But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.

Come on, man.

Don’t do that.

Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?

Not in this movie, no.

There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.

That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then...

It turns into being a horror movie by racism.

Okay, lucky guess.

Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.

- Hurray. - This is bull.

Am I late?

Am I too late for the audition for the part of the prince?

Yes, you are.

Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.

And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.

A-ha. Yeah.

Did you even read the script?

Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?

Yeah, it is.

Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try?

Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.

But then it bites him.

Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.

Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.

How was that?

That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.

It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson.

And you know the game.

Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs.

Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Now, let's meet our celebrity students.

Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Oh, no. You two are boring.

Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession.

Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Oh, jeez. Why am I here?

I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity,

Adam Driver.

Hello. Excited to be here.

Well, you could have fooled me.

We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig.

Hey. Hey, Mr. Host man.

Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Star Trek legend, George Takei.

Hello.

George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

That depends on how bad you want it.

Oh, very bad.

Oh, my!

There it is!

Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

I like to vibe out. Weezy!

It’s the wrong game, Weezy.

Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek.

Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek?

I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe.

I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

No, dude!

Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works.

I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student

you think will know the answer.

Ryan, you’re up first. Your subject is...

geography.

Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart.

I call on John Oliver.

Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA.

Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs.

They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

John, your rant though amusing contained no answer.

And please, no more over the shoulder graphics.

Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart.

I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass.

Where was I? Finland?

That is correct. Trishelle takes the point.

You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

I didn’t throw anything. Why would you think I threw it?

Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry.

I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Yes.

Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell,

but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”.

Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne?

And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went?

Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Argh! Please, make him stop.

It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

I call on Pete Davidson.

Pass!

You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question.

Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island.

And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

Oh my!

George, you stay out of this.

Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show?

I mean, that would be easier.

No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know?

George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

No. I have a question.

Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me?

Let Sulu go to the moon.

Sorry, it’s not up to me, George.

And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

Yo, where did the plane go at?

That is “Price is Right”, Weezy.

Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here.

Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

Ladies and gentleman, Young Thug.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped

from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it.

But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin

this beautiful 80 degree October day.

Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill

if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

A new report shows that president Biden is on average

22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team

until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision

finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled

the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US.

Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats?

Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick.

Pro-bat crowd?

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on

paternity leave with his husband and twin babies

while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season.

Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids

and God cancels Christmas.”

A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men.

See, so it’s not all bad.

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem

to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots.

You could tell the flag was from the riots because

it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of

homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent

and clearly the emails are indefensible, but

does anyone want to be judged by their old emails?

I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me.

Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”.

And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

So, you did get that one.

Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen

in case he gets called back up to the NFL.

But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback,

a scarecrow on a rumba.

A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka

in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”

went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka.

Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television.

But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad.

I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike.

But now, I guess I gotta... call my parents.

No.

But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

- It’s live. - It’s live?

Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper.

Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious.

What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions

in this factory... Oh, boy. Hold on. Sorry.

Are you okay?

I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

You think they’ll be upset?

They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here.

They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

- Well, we can stop if you want. - No, I got it. I got it.

This Twink Wonka or Twonka

may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he...

Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor

because now I can be honest about everything. Okay,

point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate.

Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine.

He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like,

“Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?”

And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?”

Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance

we do when a child dies.

The whole thing is sick.

Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe?

What about this makes me seem gay to you?

It’s just... there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with yours?

Pot, kettle. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch.

But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe,

now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

No, no, no, I’m not gay.

I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

I’m in the union

Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix

to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual.

Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan

is being threatened by a large wildfire.

Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water

onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down.

Thank you. Thank you.

An economics joke.

Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from

Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry

from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn.

Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas.

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow.

It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long

and they still haven’t gotten any good at it.

The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song

Brown Sugar which is about having sex with a slave.

Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

See why I sent that e-mail?

With so much happening in the world these days,

it can be overwhelming to keep up with the news.

Here to comment is our very own, Chris Redd.

- Yeah. Thank you, Che. Thank you, man. - How are you doing?

And may I just say what y’all do up here every Saturday, keeping us informed.

It’s important, bro.

But Che, when do you take a moment to talk about the important unimportant things?

What do you mean by that?

You know. Stuff most people don’t talk about because

technically it doesn’t matter. Here. Let me take a moment quick. Hit me.

All this talk about debt ceiling and climate change but nobody talks about

the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

A blimp?

Yes, a blimp. Why do we not now who drives it?

Like, when someone says, “I’m a driver”, you don’t say, “Oh, car or blimp?”

Who is flying these things? I mean, they could fly a plane or jet.

“No, I wanna fly a slow ass dildo across the sky.”

For real! I’ve asked people all across the country,

not one person knows a blimp driver.

This might be a dumb question to ask you, but are we sure blimps are real?

I’m pretty sure they’re real, Chris.

Exactly. Pretty sure.

Plus, blimps are slow as hell. You ever seen a fast blimp? No.

Because that is a missile.

Anyway, what y’all doing? Y’all good? What’s going on?

Hold up, Chris. This wasn’t the plan.

I mean, weren’t you supposed to be talking about the last time you were up here?

And that thing you said?

No. I don’t think so. I’m supposed to be talking about stuff like,

why is everybody so mad about Superman’s son in the comics

being little bi-sex boy now? What a waste of time. He’s not real.

I don’t care what real people do with their sex.

So, why would I care about stencil, dog?

There has to be something for everybody. So, treat life like a Pornhub selection.

If it ain’t for you, don’t click the tab.

Anyway, what porn you watch, Che?

We’re not talking about porn, Chris.

Yeah, me neither, man. My porn watching days are over.

I knew it when I started emailing feedback,

“Passion is not in your eyes no more”. You know?

Colin, can I smoke weed in your house?

No. I have a baby.

That’s right. That’s right.

Congratulations again on little baby Cletus.

You know that my baby’s name is not Cletus, Chris. I’ve sent you pictures.

I get a lot of pictures, Colin. I only remember the boobies. Anyway...

Chris, that’s enough. Let’s talk about the last time you were here.

Aite, man. Aite! Damn! Roll the damn clip.

Chris Redd, everyone.

Black people can’t get coronavirus.

Okay. So, I guess that didn’t hold up great.

I’m not sure people caught that clip from February, 2020. Roll it again, please.

Black people can’t get coronavirus.

Okay! In my defense, I was just saying something crazy!

I’m not a scientist. I went to community college.

Which is like, high school, but you can have sex with your teachers. With consent.

I’m pretty sure you actually can’t, man.

Hah! Well, I learned a lot today.

That’s Chris Redd with very important unimportant news.

Not enough people are talking about it. Fist bump!

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year,

robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles.

Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy.

So now, Arizona has two Grand Canyons.

It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

Oh my God.

One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that

the Playboy mansion is haunted.

She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light,

you see ectoplasm everywhere.

A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python

in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.

You'd wish he'd go back to the Grand Canion jokes. Yeah.

A new stage show from world renowned hypnotist Linus Minus

is quickly becoming the talk of Broadway’s reopening.

Here with more is Linus Minus and his volunteer, Roy.

Hi there. Yes. I found a volunteer to be hypnotized on your show.

He’s a member of your security staff here at Saturday Night Live.

Yeah. Hey, Roy, how are you feeling? Nervous?

Oh, no, man. This little silly magic is not going to work on me, Jack!

Okay. Well, humor me, Roy, and imagine yourself on a cloud.

And as I count down from five, Roy, you sleep further into that cloud.

Five, four, you’re falling Roy, three, two, falling deeper Roy, one, and sleep.

Alright. Now, Roy is in state of suggestive hypnosis. Meaning...

Okay. Oh, dear.

Is everything okay?

I think he was a little too relaxed. And he tinkled just a little bit.

I apologize but we’ll have to cut this short.

Roy, when you hear wake,

you will return to the state of active consciousness. And wake.

Oh, woo! Where my pants went?

You made me piss myself on live TV? You son of a...

Sleep.

Why did you put him back to sleep again?

Well, he grabbed me, as you saw. And I felt a bit scared for my life.

So, Roy, when you hear wake, you will be happy about what’s going on in your pants.

Happy. And, wake.

Oh, what you doing feels so good, Zendaya.

And sleep.

Oopsie. Roy made the source of happiness a sexual fantasy with Zendaya.

Yes. I feel like you should maybe get Roy off stage, okay?

I’m trying, Colin. Roy, when you hear wake, Zendaya is gone.

She is not here. And wake.

Ay, where Zendaya at? What did you do with Zendaya, you sick son of a...

Sleep.

Roy, I didn’t do anything to Zendaya.

I am not the reason Zendaya isn’t here, Roy. And wake.

Oh no! I killed Zendaya. And I pissed my pants. Help! Help!

Sleep.

Okay.

One more time. Roy, on wake, your pants are not wet, they’re dry.

Zendaya is not here but Zendaya is alive and safe.

You are calm. You are just at work, Roy.

You’re doing your normal job and a security guard for Saturday Night Live.

And wake. How do you feel?

Great. I think I should get back to work though.

Ay, Michael Che, tell them strippers in your dressing room

- to put some masks on, man. - Ay! Sleep!

There you go, right.

Linus Minus and Roy, everyone.

For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Oh, I like this one. It is so soft.

Yeah. But is it too soft?

Look at me, like Goldilocks.

Hi, can I help you folks with anything today?

Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but we’re torn between these two.

Oh, it is a big decision. We do spend a third of our lives in bed.

Wow, yeah, true.

Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we can see how it would really feel.

Okay. Sometimes I get home late from work and it just wakes her up.

Oh, sure. Just try this out, you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.

Well, well, well.

Look who’s finally home.

Where were you?

Denise, you’re awake.

I am, and you reek of vermouth and whores.

Can we not do this Denise?

Oh, so I’m the problem? Go to hell!

Yeah, this was good, right? I love it.

Yeah. Yeah. This is really, really comfortable.

Okay.

I can really picture us one this.

I know. Yeah.

Goodnight, my love.

Goodnight.

You were being weird at the party tonight.

I was having fun.

You kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a bitch.

Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?

This is nice.

Yeah, honestly, I almost fell asleep.

No, you guys were doing like, a little play.

Well, you know, we just want to make sure that the mattress is perfect for us.

Yeah, like you said, you know, we spent three thirds of our lives in bed.

That is not what I said.

Honey, let’s try the other one.

Yeah. Go head. You want to make sure the right decision.

Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.

Oh, Denise, you’re driving me wild with that night gown.

No, Richard. I’m tired.

Oh, really? You’ve been tired for a month, Denise.

Whatever, goodnight.

Richard!

I’m not even asleep yet and you’re jerking it?

I’m backed up and it’s pissing me off.

Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching porn in our brand new sleepy town bed?

Well, tell me the title. Tell me the title of the porn.

Now, don’t tell her, man.

Hot lady gets adult detention.

Oh, you disgusting.

Oh, yeah. We love this one.

But you know what? I did like the other one too.

- Should we try it again? - Sure.

See, this does feel just as nice.

It is so soft.

So, what do we think? Hello? Are you guys asleep?

Ah! There’s someone in the house.

I’ll get the gun.

When did you put that thing there?

No, Richard, not that gun. Get the killing gun.

Good thinking, Denise. Bang, bang.

Oh my god. You killed the intruder.

You protected me. Damn. I’m so horny for you.

You come to me.

Yes. Do me like I’m in adult detention.

Alright, enough! Enough!

Please, you want to buy this mattress or what?

Oh god, the intruder is still alive.

And he has your gun. Bang!

Ah! I’m hit.

No. No, Richard.

Goodbye, Denise. I love you.

You saved me. But I’m so horny.

Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in our bed from SleepyTown.

SleepyTown, USA, “A bed for wife, a bed for life”.

Once again, Young Thug.

I can’t believe we’re here.

My friends have been trying to get tickets or months. How did you get them?

Well, let’s just say, baby, I know the right people

and I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this.

However you did it, you made my year. I can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.

Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but I know you’re dying to see him.

- So, let’s just... - Because he’s amazing.

The review in the Times said “He takes you on his spectacular musical journey”.

Apparently, like, all he needs is one word and songs just flow out of him.

Right. One word? Colour me intrigued.

Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

Hello, everybody.

Can I get a one word please.

Go ahead, Lance.

Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.

Say for me?

Bicycle.

Um, say... Say for me?

Bicycle.

Bar-far-bas.

If I lie to me like this... ...like that

if I ever said ... tonight

Thank you for this.

I mean, can you believer he just created that beautiful song on the spot?

I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear him singing about bicycles but...

Shh! Here we go.

Can I get another word please?

Go ahead, Lance, do it.

- What? Me again? - He has one. Yeah.

Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.

Say for me?

Banana.

- Say... Say for me? - Banana.

Barfa-bala-vas.

No. That’s not what I said.

If I ever sing like that for me

another lie...

If I ever say that like this for me tonight...

Thank you so much for this.

So, is this always what he does?

I know. It’s amazing. Right?

I mean, I can’t really understand him.

Because he’s not from this country, Lance.

Well, I’m not from this country and you understand me.

No, I don’t.

And now I bring dance for this.

- Oh my God, it’s Todd. - Who’s Todd?

I read about him. He’s what’s next in dance.

Tell them to get one word for dance.

Yes. Yes. Just one word.

Please.

One word.

Me again?

Um, alright.

Um, road trip.

Say for us?

Road trip.

Say for us?

Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!

Ros-Paresca.

If I like to sing this for me another lie...

if I ever say to me like that tonight

Dance please.

Thank you for this.

Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our first night.

All the stars have aligned for us.

Are you sure? I mean, Todd seems a little bit nervous.

- Lance, they’re telling their story. - Right! Right!

It’s about coming here from a war torn country.

Where are you getting that? I didn’t get anything. What country?

Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.

Alright, you know, that’s not a real place.

Hey, we talked about this.

You need to go into the new situations with an open heart.

Yeah, I’m trying. I’m just, you know.

Another word for once.

One word.

Alright. You know what? Fine. Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.

Mesothelioma.

Well, I... Yeah, they got it. That’s quite impressive I suppose.

Why? Why is that impressive, Lance?

Well, I...

If I ever sing lie to me in this life...

if I never say like this night tonight

Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons. That’s...

I mean, that’s beautiful with the ribbons.

I wanna know what love is

I want you to show me...

That’s good. That’s good.

Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.

That was incredible. What a fun night! Such a thrill.

Thank you guys so much. I'll never forget it.

Thank you to Young Thug.

Daniel Craig.

Travis Barker, Nate Ruess,

Jeff Basker and all of you.