All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E01.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

And now, a message from the president of
the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

Hello. Good evening. Fellow
Americans, how’s everybody doing?

What’s cooking? What’s good?
How are you doing?

How was everybody’s summer?
Mine was bad.

Not Cuomo bad but definitely not
Afghanistan good.

Everyone keeps harassing
me about that drone strike.

But on the bright side,

I went the entire summer without falling
down the stairs once.

It’s pretty darn good.

And hey,
Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right?

So was the Taliban.

So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying
out of the limelight.

I’m like an oil change, you don’t think
about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me.
Democrats need me.

Got a major of structure bell on a
historic socio gen, it had to get past.

So now, I’m bringing
together the democrats like Voltron

so they’re all different colors but
fundamentally, the robots.

On one side, we have the moderate
democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

What do I want from this bill?
I’ll never tell.

Because I didn’t
come to congress to make friends.

And so far,
mission accomplished.

Is it just me or does she look
like all the characters from Scooby Doo

at the same time?

And another pain in my keister the de
facto president of the United States,

Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m a
democrat from West Virginia.

If I vote for electric cars,
they’re gonna kill me.

On the other side, we have two
members of progressive caucus,

Ilhan Omar from Minessota

Thank you Joe for not calling
me Kamala.

For those of you who don’t know me,

I was designed in a lab to give
Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

And finally, Alexandria...

I’m not going to try to say the whole
name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of
the MET Gala.

I wore a dress that said
“Tax the rich”,

then spent all night
partying with the rich. Oops!

Let’s go through this agenda
together because we’re going to realize,

“Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re
all singing the same damn thing.”

That’s right. I’m saying we need at least
300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

And I’m saying 0.

See? Same page.

There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill
like twelve weeks of paid family leave.

- Six days!
- Six whole days of paid...

Well, unpaid.

- Unpaid six whole days...
- Nights.

Six nights of unpaid family
half leave.

That’s not a bad compromise, right?
And what do you want in return?

What about a child tax credit?

Great idea!

We always said,
children shouldn’t pay taxes.

It’s a lot of math.

But if we give children too
much leeway,

how are they gonna get them
to work in the minds, you know?

We need
their tiny hands to dig.

All the big
pieces of coal are gone.

We need the little kid fingers to gather
the little pieces.

Okay. Let’s get a little
basic. Roads.

- Everyone okay with roads?
- I like roads.

Me too. Roads
are where trucks live.

- Kyrsten?
- I want no roads.

- No roads? Why?
- Chaos!

Alright! What about water?

We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for
water. Wow, that’s a lot of water.

Does
it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

- No. It was good.
- Yeah.

What do you say, Joe?
You good with water?

I don’t like that taste.

Fine. Let’s focus on the two
things that poll best with all Americans,

lowering the price of prescription
drugs...

No!

And raising
taxes on billionaires.

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What
do you like? What’s good to you?

Yellow starbursts,
the film “The Polar Express”,

and when
someone eats fish on an airplane.

But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t
something better than nothing?

Look. As a wine drinking
bisexual triathlete,

I know what the
average American wants.

They want to be
put on hold when they call 911.

They want bridges that just stop,
car falls down.

They want water so thick,
you can eat it with a fork.

And I will fight for that no matter what,

unless my foot hurts,
then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna
talk about one last item on the agenda.

Most important one.
Trains!

Oh god, again?

Come on! Don’t take dreams away
from me!

We need to remind people of the
grandeur of American rail travel.

The quiet car.
The seats are faced backwards.

The sliding bathroom doors that don’t
quite lock.

You open it up, catch a
glimpse of an old man on a toilet.

The full bottle of gatorade rolling around
on the floor of the train.

It goes that way, it goes back.

Without trains, no America.

I can’t believe I’m saying
this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from
me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo.

Us democrats have had each other’s backs
no matter what.

We’re like one big Italian family. And you
know what Italians like to do?

Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each
other’s backs.

So, let’s all come together...
Oh, bad choice of words there.

And get this bill pass today. Just like
me, it deserves a second chance.

And a third chance.

And up to at least eleven chances.

Oh, and I want to plug my new book.

My first one was called “Lessons and
Leadership”.

And my new one is called
“Whoops!”

And I’m here to promote my new book,
“Sandwiches I have liked and tried”.

Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer.
You may remember me, but you don’t.

I hope you’ve enjoyed
our little rap session.

Next time you get
an email from the democratic party

with a scary desperate subject line like
“It’s all over, Jennifer.

Democracy is dead unless you donate
seven dollars now!”,

don’t panic too much.

Us democrats are all in this together.

Hey, we sure are. Because
fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Screw!

And live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

Musical guest, Kacey Musgraves.

And your host, Owen Wilson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Owen Wilson.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Hello. Yes, we are doing it.

The season
premiere of Saturday Night Live.

Now, a lot has changed since the last
season.

The vaccine came out everywhere
except Florida.

The rest of the country went back to
normal for about a week and a half.

But it is wonderful to be here around
people again.

I’ve got my two brothers here.

Now, first, I’m a little bit nervous to be
here but I’m gonna use

something I learned
growing up being a middle child where

sometimes you’re the forgotten one,
so you gotta

tap into this feeling with
your parents. It’s kind of,

“Hey, get a load of me.”

Of course, if you tap into that feeling
too much,

you may find yourself at military school
in New Mexico at 16 like I did.

My dad always said he was the charter
member of the 3-7-9-0 club.

Three sons, seven high schools, nine
colleges, zero degrees.

Which was actually pretty generous of my
dad to put it like that

because my brothers only went to one high
school and college each.

But listen, I’m excited to be here doing
something live.

I mean, this is what
musicians talk about where you get that

instant feedback from the crowd because of
course, when you do a movie, you do it

and you wait a year to hear how you did.
But that’s not the case tonight.

Reviews will be coming in immediately.

People are probably tweeting reviews right
now.

And I know they say, “Don’t read
reviews”, or actually they say,

“If you read the good
ones, you got to read the bad ones.”

That’s not true.

I just read the good ones.

I really find that the bad ones, they
don’t really speak to me in the same way.

Plus now, Rotten Tomatoes has that green
thing to tell you

which ones to stay away from.

Although, every once in a while, a bad one
will make it pass my radar.

I remember one bad one years ago that said
“Owen Wilson’s on screen persona

has all the ambition of an old golden
retriever laying next to a fire.”

And it just kind of got worse from there.

And to be honest, I probably have been
guilty at times of coasting a little,

taking my foot off the pedal, but I’ll
tell you what.

When Daniel Day-Lewis retired and all that
pressure landed on my shoulders,

everything changed.

And that’s when I knew
I had to do Cars 3.

And really...

And really, that’s what tonight’s about.
Taking chances.

Spreading your wings as an artist.
But you don’t want to go crazy.

You got to pace yourself.

And is it worst thing in the world being a
golden retriever laying next to a fire?

I mean, I know everyone comes out here and
says, “It’s going to be a great show!”

Is it? I don’t know.

I mean, I’m betting on it, of course. I’m
betting on a lot of things lately.

I’ve a bit of gambling problem. But hey,
when we lose on the rooms,

we make on the sandwiches. Right?

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is put
on your coziest flannel and maybe we just

chill out for the next 90 minutes.
Close your eyes, get comfy.

Now I know they said,
“Owen, come on.

We don’t want to encourage people to be
sleeping.”

Yes, but also I’m not going to
stand here and tell people not to dream.

And in my America, most people dream
better with their eyes closed.

Now come on,
who’s with me?

We have a great show for you tonight.

Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around
and we’ll be right back.

Welcome back to The Talking where we
discuss everything that women

can have an opinion about at
11:30 in the morning.

Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s
infrastructure bills, but first,

Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to
me. Anyone else?

You know, I have a question.
What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Ladies, if something’s
fried, I'm gonna eat it.

Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Now look, as you all know, my
husband is very well endowed, okay?

And he actually cooks dinner for us and he
loves the air fryer.

Okay, here’s what I don’t get.

How does air fry something? How does air
make it fry?

Charlette, none of us know. And I
don’t really love how you asked that.

- How did I ask?
- You have a lot of debt.

- How did I ask?
- You have a lot of debt.

- How did I ask?
- You have a lot of debt.

Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving
on, the stock market.

- I like it.
- See, I do too.

I don’t know if you
ladies know this but-

Don’t say it.

Well, you don’t know
what I’m going to say.

Alright, go ahead.

Okay. My husband
is very well endowed

- Yea, you just said that.
- Yea, your children are rude.

- You are a bad friend.
- Yea, your children are rude.

- You are a bad friend.
- Yea, your children are rude.

You are a bad friend.

Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of
your covid test results.

Oh, hi. Here?

Yes, ma’am. I just received them
and this is where you are.

So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to
confirm some information.

Okay. Do we have
to do this on air?

Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA
reasons.

We either can’t tell anybody or
have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Okay.

- Can I have your full name?
- Dee-dee Calresian.

- Correct. Date of birth.
- May, 13th.

- May, 13th what?
- Nineteen... eighty... two.

Damn Dee-dee, you’re
younger than you look.

Thanks! Wait. Hey!

And what have you
done in the last 72 hours?

- Like, in general?
- Yes.

Came to work, googled
myself. I don’t know.

Very well. Unfortunately, your
covid test came back positive.

So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to
come with me.

No! Well, bye everybody.

Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee
had a breakthrough case.

It happens.

Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated
dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to
be sad to miss this next segment.

Because today, we’re talking to the leader
of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

No. Help me out here.
Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

I think it’s just Pope.

I can’t keep up.

Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is
gonna tell us about his foreign plans.

Do you ladies switch your purse for fall?
I don’t.

I only switch for summer.
Are we doing Halloween this year?

Yea, my tree’s up.
Oh, okay. The man is back

Yea, ma’am, I need to
speak with you to do some contact tracing.

Have you been in contact with anyone who
has had tested

positive for covid in the
past 72 hours?

Well, you just took Dee-dee
away for having covid.

Good memory. Can
you confirm your name?

Yea. Maney Talkin.

And your number
of sexual partners?

Oh. Just one.

Okay. That’s not what I have here.

I’m sorry. Could
we go to commercial?

Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Of commercials?

Well, the bad news is one of you
ladies also tested positive

but I understand you’re on live TV.
So, I wanna be discreet about this.

I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the
head of the person who has covid.

Okay. Bye, everyone.

Wow! Well, this is very bizarre
because

I cannot stress enough how many
times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Countless times.

Well, let’s go on to our next topic,
women buying their own engagement ring?

I think the boy should buy it.
Well, sir?

I’m sorry.
We’re gonna have to remove you

but I didn’t want to make a
big deal of it.

- I’ve got covid?
- No. You have HPV.

Does that mean
I can’t be on TV?

It does.

Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just
me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word.

Good news is they were false positives.
Not the HPV though. See you next time!

For decades, the Star Trek franchise
has brought you unforgettable voyages

from the Final Frontier. Now,
the tradition continues with a new ship,

a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon
founder, Jeff Bezos.

Dude! Space
is freaking awesome!

Star Trek Ego Quest.
The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard.

And its crew of random weirdos.
Captain Jeff Bezos.

Hell yes!

First mate, Jeff Bezos’ brother
who is name escapes me.

Science Officer is some
rich high school kid from Netherlands.

And 82 year old astronaut,
Wally Funk.

I’m tired.

Their mission to just sort of
fly around space goofing off

in a ship
that looks like a penis.

I’m in space with
my brother Mark.

- This owns.
- This is unbelievable.

Alliances will be formed.

I’d recognize that purple mood
lighting anywhere.

Richard Branson, you maniac!

Haha! What’s up, Bezos?
You nutter! What are you doing?

Well, just flying around.

Yea, same here.
Hey, you fancy a race?

It’s on. Come
on, you limey bitch!

Let's go!

Take flight on a midlife
crisis of cosmic proportions.

Oh! We hit a space station.

Oops!
Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.

But around every
corner, danger lurks.

Incoming fototorpedo!

Who the hell is firing at us?

Hello, Jeff Bezos.

Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.

Space is big enough for only
one weird white billionaire.

So, you could say beating you is my prime
objective.

They’ll need all the help they can get
from a loyal team of valued employees.

- Captain.
- Yes.

We have a request to beam aboard.

Sweet. Yes. It’s
my delivery guy. Beam him up.

Wow! Space! I
can’t believe I’m up here.

Thanks. Adios.

By the way, it’s an honor to
meet you, sir.

People say you don’t care
about Amazon employees but I disagree.

Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out
like that?

Ay, can I use the bathroom
real quick?

Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!

Star Trek, Ego Quest.
Streaming this Christmas.

So, what should we do?
We do a couple of laps?

There he is, Owen freaking
Wilson. Bring it in!

Alright. Time
to make the donuts.

- Baking that again, baby.
- Yea.

Dude, by the way, Loki?
You crushed it, dude.

I haven’t seen it
yet, but I hear it’s amazing.

Yea, I’m proud of it. But
hey, this is exciting too. Cars 4.

I didn’t even know they were planning to
do another one.

Yea, Pixar is keeping it pretty quiet. I
haven’t even seen a full script yet.

They’re just sending over little chunks of
dialogs so the animators

can start working. So that is what we’ll
be recording today.

Great. Okay. I’m gonna hop in
the booth. Let’s do this.

Hey, Kachow!
Right?

Kachow! Yes!

There it is. Kachow!

Let me get this on.

Whenever you’re ready, O-Town.

- Here we go.
- Rolling!

“Radiator
springs, here I come!”

Perfect. Moving on.

“Return to racing, you bet I
can still win the piston cup.”

Amazing. Next.

“Back off, Jack off...
Back off, Jack ass.

I wasn’t looking at
your wife!”

Nailed it. Next.

“I am Speed. Kachow!”

Love it.

“Calm down, Jerk-Off! I didn’t touch your
daughter. She was coming on to me.”

Hey, can we stop?

Yeah. What’s wrong, O? That was
feeling really, really good.

Yeah, so good.
You’re killing it O.

Thanks. But I’m just a little
thrown by a few lines in there.

I mean,
what exactly is going on in this movie?

You know, again, I haven’t seen a
full script.

But you wanna keep going?
Cool? Time for three?

On you, O.

Here we go. “Kachow!”

Yeah, perfect. Next line?

“Grow up, man.
Your sister sure did!”

Good, good. Moving on.

“So, what college do you
girls go to?

Oh! You’re in high school?
Could have fooled me.”

Perfect. Dude, you’re
crushing it. Moving on.

“Winning the piston cup could
save this whole town.

And I can’t race because of one bad date?
This is a witch hunt, your honor.”

Wait, guys.
He’s in court?

Yeah. What’s the iss, O?

Well, the iss is I think
Lightening McQueen is the bad guy in this.

- No. No. Right?
- No.

Okay. Well, it just feels like there’s a
lot of him creeping on girl cars

and arguing with their dads and husbands
and stuff.

It’s a real departure for the
character.

Umm, interesting. You know what?
Why don’t we get Larry in here?

Might feel a little better to have someone
to do your lines with?

Yeah, let’s get Larry
the cable guy. Flying in.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Larry. Come on in.

Hey man, excited to do this.
Alright, let’s do this, man.

Okay. Lar, let’s take it from your
line on the top of five there.

“Woo-hoo! He’s my
best friend, Lightening!”

“Thanks, Mater.
You’re mine too.”

“That’s why I was so upset when I
heard you was calling me an ‘R’ word.”

Okay, let’s stop. Let’s stop.

He’s calling Mater the ‘R’ word now?
Guys, that’s horrible.

Oh, no, no. The ‘R’ word is rusty,
I think. Because Mater is rusty.

Okay.

“Hey, you didn’t call me
rusty, did you Lightening?”

“No. Stop being such a re―”

No! Guys! I mean, I see the actual ‘R’
word right here and I’m not gonna say it.

All good, O. If you’re not gonna
say it,

then skip the next 10 lines and
go to the top of 15.

“Whoo, you did it, Lightning!
You done won the Piston cup.”

“Ha-ha! Yeah! Kachow!”

“Hey! What are you doing,
Lightening? That’s my sister, buddy.”

“Not tonight, Mater.”

“Hey, come on,
Lightening. Why her?”

“Power!”

Come on!

Guys, I’m not doing this. It’s
not happening.

It’s a complete betrayal of a beloved
character and I don’t want any part of it.

Really? Because they just sent over
your contract.

You might want to take a
look at it.

Well, it’s not about the
money.

And that’s
just for this?

Disney had a very good year.

Okay. Well, come on. This
thing’s not gonna record itself.

Let’s go. Kachow!

Kachow!

You’re watching Lucerne County
Community Channel 8.

Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer
Schedule for six days.

But now, The District 7 School Board
Meeting.

Motion passes. The name of Robert E.
Lee Middle School will be changed to

Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School.

Now, we know there’ve been lots of
questions about the school district’s

covid safety policy, so we open the floor
to the public. Ma’am?

Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I
am concerned and I am also crazy.

Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and
Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay?

And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not
on T-Mobile because this,

all of this,
this is about Israel.

Ma’am. Do you have a question about
the school district’s

covid policy or
your child’s safety?

I don’t have a child and
I don’t live in this town.

Then you should not be here. Next!

So, I’m confused.

My son can’t play football because they
say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Okay, well, that was probably an
error. Which vaccine did he receive?

He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s
definitely not on the approved list.

I told you, ma!
I told you that gal was lying.

Okay, next!

Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally
shaking right now.

Forget covid. The real threat is critical
race theory being taught in our schools.

My question is what is it and
why am I mad about it?

We are taking questions about the
covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Hi there.

If a child tests positive, is the school
authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz?

Which I took and cured my covid in
basically half a day.

What exactly is that?

It’s a hormone given to elephants
in captivity to boost sperm production

and it’s very safe. My son took it and had
no adverse effects.

We are not authorized to administer
any treatment. Next.

Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach
Earth Science at Robert E. Lee...

Was Bad Middle School.

And look, I know we’re just trying to keep
our students safe but I’ve looked into it

and I can’t find any proof that

separating students by race is gonna stop
covid transmission.

Is that something
you’re doing in class?

Yes, and I prefer not to. The
science just doesn’t back it up.

I mean, not to mention I think it’s
frankly a little racist.

It’s a lot racist! And
it’s also not part of our covid policy.

No. I mean, I’ve got the memo
right here. It says...

Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by
six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’.

Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert!

Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s
been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

We are so getting
sued over that. Next!

Sir, do you have a question?

Barack Hussein Obama...

No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang!

This is not about the covar virus. It’s is
about the high school teens

who meet in the parking lot near my home
to vape and anal each other.

Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No,
Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our
question is, why can’t we game in class?

Again. We’re hearing covid safety
issues only,

but you’re at school to
learn, not game.

Bitch!

Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed
my class.

I told them the separating by
race was a big misunderstanding and

they actually want to keep it. Is that
okay? No, right?

No.

Okay, got you. And you guys are
doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Yes. And you are not. Wait,
are you Dog the bounty hunter?

As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for
Brian Laundrie.

So my question to you is,
do you know where he is?

Because I can’t
find this dude anywhere.

We do not.

Are you sure? I got
no leads on this guy.

Either he’s good or
I’m bad. One of the two.

Yes, we will let
you know if we see him.

Yea, that
would mean the world to me, bro.

Right. And now, folks, this is about the
covid policy at the district schools only.

Next.

Hello.

No! Because I can already tell what you’re
about to do or say will not be on topic.

Smart lady!

Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are
doing to keep my son safe

from the lies
of Barack Hussein Obama?

No! No! No more of that! No, what is
wrong with you people?

Alright, next?

Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis,
resident Halloween buff.

And I would like to appeal the
cancellation of my haunted house

in high school gym.

It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky
frights,

screaming and spitting ooze at
the students.

Gary, that room is unventilated.
Appeal denied.

You gonna regret this.

We won’t. Okay, next.

You guys ready?

Science!

Fear!

Which one prevail?

Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t
have the energy

for whatever this
performance is. Anyone else?

Sir, is this about school
district’s covid policy?

All right

Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

No! No!

I can’t believe we fell for that
again. Alright. Any more questions?

Let me
do my haunted house!

No! Meeting adjourned.
Goodbye!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kacey Musgraves.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

- I’m Michael Che.
- I’m Colin Jost.

Very nice to be back with you.

First show last season, covid was raging
everywhere. There was no vaccine.

We were in the middle of intense election.

Just before we went on the air, the
producers were like, “Hey, real quick.

The president might be dying.
Anyway, have fun out there.”

It was exciting time for
the show.

Big story this year...
Infrastructure.

I guess that’s an improvement on survival
of the human race level,

but it’s not great for TV.

So, we can all just pretend to be excited
about this next joke.

I’d really
appreciate it.

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed
indefinitely.

So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge
when it collapses on top of us.

President Biden met with
house of democrats yesterday

to make a case for his build back better
budget plan.

No matter what you think of Biden’s plan,
you got to admire the confidence

of a guy with a stutter naming something
the Build Back Better budget plan.

Biden also got his covid booster shot at
the White House live on camera

and based on this photo, it either really
hurt... or felt really good.

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA
to approve it’s covid vaccine

for kids under 11, which means they could
be vaccinated by Halloween.

Because what
goes better with Halloween than needles?

Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced
that it has developed

an experimental antiviral pill that can
treat people infected with covid.

The treatment is just waiting for approval
from either FDA

or The Joe Rogan Experience.

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of
racketeering and sex trafficking this week

but won’t be sentenced until next May.

After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully
negotiated, one more school year.

In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict,
there’s a growing movement online

to force music streaming services to
remove his music.

After all, streaming is basically what got
him in trouble in the first place.

Welcome back, Colin.

It’s hard to transition out of
that. Well, some catholics...

Some catholics around the country are
claiming religious exemption

to the covid vaccine.

Because there’s nothing more catholic than
letting someone else die for your sins.

Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage
about a missing woman from Long Island,

with some calling it another example of
missing white woman syndrome

since minority women are rarely given the
same attention.

Here with her thoughts is a black woman
who has been missing for ten years.

Welcome. Welcome.

It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly,

it’s good to be anywhere because I had
been missing, okay?

It’s so frustrating. There was a white
woman who went missing the same time as me

and look at the photo they put out of her.

Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done.
Make up, nails, all of that.

Now, look at
the photo they used for me.

Who the hell wants to find that? I look
like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister.

And look at the white lady’s reward.
$10,000. That’s a new car.

Now, check out the reward for me. A $15
gift card for Chili’s Too.

You got to go to an airport to use that,
Colin.

They’re offering chips and guacamole to
find a human soul. It’s not right.

And this is the worst part. At the top of
my photo, they put ‘Wanted’.

I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was
wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing.

Plus the white girl got amber alert.

Oh, boy, every iPhone in the room started
beeping and buzzing.

They only put out my disappearance on
Cricket Wireless.

And if you opened the
alert, it charged you $2.99.

- That is rough.
- Yeah.

- And how are you treated by the media?
- Not great.

The newspaper headline about her
disappearance was on the front page, okay?

And it said “White virginal dime piece
ripped from the hands of her loving,

still married parents.” Not exactly sure
why they needed to flaunt

their marriage on missing person section.
Well, okay. Brag.

And mine was on page
C-15 and that one read

“Girl not home for 40 days, probably
nothing, family cool with it.”

- That’s by the Obituaries.
- Yeah.

Now, do you think that the media has to
recognize its own bias in this?

Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin.

Even in the movies, black women can’t get
attention.

White women had “Gone Girl”,
“Gone Baby Gone”,

“Where In The World Did
That Gone Girl Go?”

The best black woman got was
“Madea’s Witness Protection”.

That’s tough. Yes.

And do you remember “Three Billboards
Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was three
billboards for one white girl.

All I got
was a flyer at McDonald’s that said

“You’ve seen this bitch?
Either way, we good.”

Well, I would just like to say
that here in Weekend Update,

we pledge
all we speak up for those without voices.

Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor
posted “What did R. Kelly even do?”

What did he do? I
mean, you don’t want to answer.

A black woman who’s been
missing for 10 years, everyone.

Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

- What is your name?
- Dont! Too late.

The NBA announced that unvaccinated
players will not be paid

for any games missed due to local vaccine
mandates. But that won’t matter.

NBA players have a long proud history of
losing money

because they refuse to use
protection.

Glad I didn’t tell that joke.

A new study finds that young adults with
depression have a

higher risk of dementia
later in life.

Which explains Billy Eilish’s
upcoming album, “Where am I?”

Purdue University researchers have created
the whitest paint on record.

The paint is so white,
I am his favorite part of SNL.

A group of online SLUS are trying to track
down individual who has been pelting

Chicago residents with raw eggs.

So, good news, Chicago may finally be
running out of bullets.

This year marks the 50th anniversary
of Disney World.

To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened
a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event
at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where

celebrities typically wear outrageous
costumes was criticized

by some as elitist.

For more on this is someone who went to
the Gala, Pete Davidson.

Yeah. Hello. Thank you.
Thank you, Colin.

So, Colin, how did you
enjoy the MET?

Oh, I actually
didn’t go this year.

Really? So, wait! This
isn’t you?

Who was I
talking to all night?

Did you have fun at the Gala?

Oh, it was amazing.

No, it was amazing. I got to go
to the coolest even of the year

and I can
now say I’ve been in a museum.

I did see some people
were commenting on your outfit.

Yeah, I don’t know why.
That’s a cool dress.

I look like James Bond at Quinceanera.

I look like one of the three blind mice
sold fentanyl.

Thank you.
Oh, don’t do that. No.

But the truth is I already wear a dress or
paint my nails sometimes,

just because I
like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Yeah. What do
they think of the outfit?

Well, my uncle Steve saw
it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it.

But whatever makes you happy. Alright?

You’re still welcomed in my house. I’ll
just put the seat down when you’re over.”

So, he’s afraid that
people will think you’re gay?

Yes. Just because I wore a
dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked
gay.

Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which
somehow the gayest

and the most homophobic
generation of all time.

All the songs were about the boys and how
they’re back in town.

Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun.

That’s as close to a movie about men being
in love with each other

as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in
the sky.

I just don’t get where guys his
age are coming from.

I mean, have you ever
asked a man in his 40s or over 50

what they did for fun growing up?

They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our
friends to pass out.

Then we’d all take
pictures of our balls in his face.”

You know. “The men were men!”

So, wait. Was
your uncle actually upset?

Yeah, he was upset. But it
doesn’t take much.

He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t
Italian but he’s playing Super Mario.

I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt
though? He’s a sweetheart.

He’s a lovely guy. I mean, you just make
one bad movie and then people hate you?

Is that true, Colin? Did people hate you
after Tom & Jerry?

No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was
actually the perfect pandemic movie

because it made sure there’d be no large
gatherings at movie theaters.

Okay. Well, Pete Davidson...

Wait, I’m not done. Bring
up my dress again. I got one more.

I look like Tilda Swinton on
Casual Friday.

Pete Davidson, everyone!

I can’t believe I’m back.

Researchers in Uganda have
observed a chimpanzee masturbating

with a plastic bottle.

Once full, the
bottle was capped and sold as Dasani.

During the opening day of
Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant,

the rapper surprised guests by serving
them pasta himself.

Not to be outdone, Macklemore got
fired from the Olive Garden.

Barack Obama has been criticized by
Chicago residents who claim that his new

presidential library will lead to
gentrification.

For me, it’s another
painful reminder that Obama is half white.

A Colorado woman who posts on
Onlyfans said that praying before

sex with her husband allows her to
experience a threesome with God.

A threesome that doesn’t end until thy
kingdom comes.

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet
night for us tonight.

Yes. On September 14th, our
friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Right. Norm is the reason that
I ever wanted to do Weekend Update

and so tonight, we thought we turn the
last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the
Fake News.

At the White House this week,
president Clinton officially came out

against same sex marriages.
What’s more?

The president said he is not too crazy
about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would
actually be located three miles out

in the Pacific Ocean.

Built on 40x20 ft. floating cylinders.

It’s all part of a plan by city officials
to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself
the Snake Man

was arrested this week after climbing
up the side of a Manhattan high rise.

Yes, he climbed right up the side of a
high rise... just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing
argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran

put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J.
wore the night he committed the murders.

Although O.J. may have hurt his case when
he suddenly blurted out,

“Hey, easy with
that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks.
Goodnight and good luck.

Welcome. We are here today to
honor the passing of Miriam Lewis.

Miriam was a devoted mother, a loving
grandmother, a devout church goer

and most of all, just a free spirit.

- She sure was.
- Nana live a life.

And Miriam’s favorite thing to do
in the whole world was to take

the bus down to Atlantic city and play
those penny slots.

- Yeah, she went every single weekend.
- I miss Nana so much.

Mariam wanted every detail of this
funeral to reflect her spirit,

starting with her all time favorite song
as sung by her all time favorite

performer, please welcome bussed in, not
direct, from the Loose Nugget Casino,

legendary Atlantic city headliner, Levar
B. Burton.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you to Peter Pan bus lines

for bringing me to New York city via
Secaucus via Hershey, Pennsylvania.

I knew Miriam very well. She would always
sit front row in my show and shout,

“Sing my song!” Well, this one’s for you,
Miriam.

I used to think that I could not go on

This song sounds familiar.

And life was
nothing but an awful song.

I think it’s ‘I believe I can fly’.

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it,

We miss you, Mimi.

there’s nothing to it

Say it with me.
I believe I can fly.

- Stop. This song is by R. Kelly.
- Yea.

We were already sad and then
you made us listen to R. Kelly.

Well, actually, you’re
listening to Levar B. Burton.

Hold on. I don’t understand. Miriam told
me she wanted this specific song.

But R. Kelly is a horrible
man who did awful things.

Well, maybe Nana didn’t
know about all that.

Hah, maybe she didn’t.

Yea, and it was Nana’s wish.

Yea, I guess go
ahead, Lavar Burton.

Lavar B. Burton. Yes,
that’s very important legally.

Now, where was I?

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky
Hey, that’s us.

Thinking about it every night and day
Oh, no.

Spread my wings and fly away.

Wow, she sure met a lot of
celebrities.

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly
That’s way too recent

I’m sorry. Thank you very much
for coming, Lavar Burton.

Oh, don’t forget
that B in the middle.

This may be what Nana wanted but
this is not how we wanted to remember her.

Look folks, I don’t know a lot
about celebrities or rock n’ roll,

and I’m sure Nana didn’t either. But

she was just a sweet old lady who loved to
see a show and I know she wanted

a funeral that reflected that. Because
I’ll never forget, right before she died,

she looked at me straight in the eyes and
said, “I believe I can fly.”

And then she
jumped.

Yea, those gambling debts
finally caught up to her.

Oh, so that’s why
she chose this song.

So, you
want me to finish it?

No. Absolutely not. Why don’t you
play Nana’s second favorite song instead?

Oh, you got it.

Now, usually I don’t do this but

why don’t we go on and break them up with
a little piece of the remix?

It’s a remix to ignition, babe
patting fresh out the kitchen...

Once again, Kacey Musgraves

Welcome back to Dallas where the starting
of the second half,

it’s Cowboys 10 and Carolina 14.

And Troy, this capacity crowd has been
treated to a great one.

For they sure have. Remember,
with mic’ed up Dallas running back,

Ezekiel Elliott, you’ll be hearing that as
soon as he says something

we can put on TV.

Sounds great. But before the
second half begins,

Thursday night’s just
got a whole lot more interesting.

“Crazy House”, because home is where the
cray-cray stay.

9:30,8:30 Central.
It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty crazy.

You know what? You know what
show I really like?

Dwight Schrute.
Remember that one?

Yes. I think
you mean “The Office”.

Yes, yes. That’s it. That was
a good one. That Dwight guy.

I just never knew
what he was going to do. Crazy.

The Cowboys kickoff to start the
half, recepted by Erickson,

and he stopped at 26.

Oh no. Oh-oh! Looks like we
got a man down.

Is that Will? Oh gosh.
It’s Williams.

Indeed. He’s holding his leg.
Well, while we have a moment,

Thursday’s about to get a whole lot
crazier because its double the crazy,

Crazy House. Two back to back episodes of
Fox’s new fall family hit.

Crazy house is
the story of McKenna, Mckayla and Suave.

Three influencers who have inherited the
craziest house in Chicago.

Home is where the cray-cray stay, slay,
9:30,8:30 Central.

Hey, quick question. How is
Suave spelled?

Is it written fanatically or is it some
kind of weird Spanish symbol?

You know what Troy? Let’s not
guess.

Let’s go down to Erin Andrews,
who’s on the sidelines. Erin.

Guys, Derek Williams is still down.

No word yet but I’ll have the report as
soon as we hear.

Thanks Erin. Oh, I’m just getting this.

Has this ever happened to you?

You and your influencer friends are in the
coolest road trip ever.

As you record a TikTok in every national
park when suddenly

you get a letter from
extensive billionaire, Theodore Crazy.

Wait. So, they’re not crazy.
The house is owned by a guy named Crazy?

Yea, apparently so. Yes.

Now, McKenna, McKayla and Suave are the
new lords and ladies of Crazy House.

Crazy House, you know we had to ‘did it on
them’.

I don’t think
that’s how you say that.

I just read what they gave me.

Erin, we’d love to get an update on that
injury.

Hold on. Did I see that one
in the Crazy House folks is a puppet?

Oh, I suppose so.

Now, who do you think
it probably is? Suave, right?

Well, let’s not guess. Let’s not
guess.

They’re taking a lot of time to get
Williams update. Phil? Oh, okay.

Thursday
isn’t ready for this flex.

Watch what happens when three friends
inherit the house of their dreams

with one catch ― they must use it to fight
for social justice.

It’s Crazy House.

This week, McKenna, McKayla the monster
and Suave are joined by special guest,

DaBaby. Crazy House.
It’s a vibe.

Okay now, DaBaby? What did he
do? He did something, right?

Did he have to quit basketball because
he’s afraid of the vaccine?

Actually, I think DaBaby
is in the music industry.

Oh, okay. But wait, there was
a movie where a baby’s wearing a suit.

Is that him? I think it’s called “Boss
Bitch” or― Is that?

Troy, please. Let’s not guess.

Oh! Thank goodness. Looks like Erin has a
news for us.

Actually, I don’t. I just
had a question about Crazy House.

Did I just see Stacey Abrams with the
monster puppet?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, she’s like the
Dwight Schrute of the show?

And how are they fighting for social
justice using the million dollar house?

It says here, Theodore
Crazy gives them points.

What points? Like, a reality
show.

So, you can get 10 points if you
march for Black Lives Matter?

Troy, once again, let’s not
guess.

Instead, let’s take a break. And
we’ll be back

with more Dallas Carolina
here at Fox.

Wait, McKayla
is the monster puppet?

Come on! Let’s move those soft
light over there

and then we’re gonna
lock up set.

Shawn, the clients are here.

- Great. Bring them in.
- Okay, here we go.

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to
your commercial.

Wow, you guys got a
professional setup over here.

Yes, very impressive.

Thank you. And these are your marks
right here.

You’re just gonna stand there and all I
need you to do

is speak right to the camera.

- Sounds great.
- Love that. Can do.

Let’s shoot this
puppy. Quite on set.

Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool.
Testing. Take one.

And action!

Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson
and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Hello.

Stool testing can provide
advanced diagnosis

of harmful diseases
and genetic pre-dispositions.

And with our mail-in kit,

you’ll be able to test your stool without
ever leaving your house.

Many people are hesitant to
mailing their stools. Why?

Because they’re worried that someone might
take it out and mess around with it.

That’s why at Robinsons’,
we guarantee that we won’t!

We want to do one thing and one
thing only with your stool.

And that’s
testing for diseases.

We’re gonna take it out, test it for
diseases,

then that thing is going right
in the trash. I promise!

You can trust Robinsons’ staffs
will absolutely not mess around with it,

play around with it, goof around with it,
anything like that.

That’s why, our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it
out, test it for diseases.

Then that
thing’s going right in the trash.”

Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good.

I really love your good chemistry. I gotta
stay honest with you guys.

It seems like
you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Okay. Explain that.

Yea, coz you say― We’re
saying that we’re not.

I get it. But I think what’s
happening it’s a little too direct.

And maybe even so direct that it becomes
suspicious.

Oh, okay.

Yea, I get that.

Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not
to be so definite about it this time.

Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

- Less definite, got it.
- Got you boss. Got you boss.

Alright. Let’s go again.

Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool
testing. Take two.

Action!

Hi there. Lots of people don’t
want to mail us their stool because

they’re worried we might take em’ out and
mess around with them a little bit.

But at Robinsons’, our process is
simple.

We take it out, test it for diseases, and
after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess
it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Every rose has its thorn. In this case,
the rose is we will test it for diseases.

The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess
around a little bit.

That’s why at Robinsons’,
our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it
out, test it for diseases.

Then that thing’s going
right in the trash... Maybe!”

Okay. Cut.

Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take
it out and mess around with it?

You know, I was worried
people might think that.

Yeah. Guess we got to hit
that little bit harder, huh?

No, no. Do not hit it any harder.
That’s making me think that you do.

Okay. I think that’s just a you
thing. Hey, buddy.

Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take
these things out,

mess around with them,
goof around with them a little bit?

Yes, I do.

I think just don’t mention it all
and no one will think that you do.

If they do, then that’s their problem.

Okay, yeah. You’re
right. That’s their problem.

Great call.

Thank you. For that respect. Okay.
This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool
testing. Take three.

Action.

Dorothy here. I got a question
for you.

Who the hell do you think you are?

You think we can’t help ourselves around
your precious little stool?

You think you’re special? We see
thousands of these things every day.

You think there’s something so tempting
about your’s?

Just ask our mailman.

Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these
things around, right?

I don’t mind.

Thank you.

I don’t mind at all.

We’re professionals, people. We take
our jobs seriously.

And we value your trust.

That’s why we at
Robinsons’, our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it
out, and play around with it.”

Okay, that felt great.
I think we got it.

Now, who wants to mess
around with one of those things?

We got plenty.

Thanks so much to Kacey Musgraves.

And you, guys.

I had a great time tonight,
thanks to all of you, guys.

Thank you.