Original subtitles

And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing?

What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing?

How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad.

Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good.

Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike.

But on the bright side,

I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once.

It’s pretty darn good.

And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right?

So was the Taliban.

So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight.

I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me.

Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past.

So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron

so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots.

On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell.

Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends.

And so far, mission accomplished.

Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo

at the same time?

And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States,

Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia.

If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus,

Ilhan Omar from Minessota

Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala.

For those of you who don’t know me,

I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

And finally, Alexandria...

I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala.

I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”,

then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize,

“Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

And I’m saying 0.

See? Same page.

There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like twelve weeks of paid family leave.

- Six days! - Six whole days of paid...

Well, unpaid.

- Unpaid six whole days... - Nights.

Six nights of unpaid family half leave.

That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

What about a child tax credit?

Great idea!

We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes.

It’s a lot of math.

But if we give children too much leeway,

how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know?

We need their tiny hands to dig.

All the big pieces of coal are gone.

We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads.

- Everyone okay with roads? - I like roads.

Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

- Kyrsten? - I want no roads.

- No roads? Why? - Chaos!

Alright! What about water?

We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water.

Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

- No. It was good. - Yeah.

What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

I don’t like that taste.

Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans,

lowering the price of prescription drugs...

No!

And raising taxes on billionaires.

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”,

and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete,

I know what the average American wants.

They want to be put on hold when they call 911.

They want bridges that just stop, car falls down.

They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork.

And I will fight for that no matter what,

unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda.

Most important one. Trains!

Oh god, again?

Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me!

We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel.

The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards.

The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock.

You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet.

The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train.

It goes that way, it goes back.

Without trains, no America.

I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo.

Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what.

We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do?

Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs.

So, let’s all come together... Oh, bad choice of words there.

And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance.

And a third chance.

And up to at least eleven chances.

Oh, and I want to plug my new book.

My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”.

And my new one is called “Whoops!”

And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”.

Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t.

I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session.

Next time you get an email from the democratic party

with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer.

Democracy is dead unless you donate seven dollars now!”,

don’t panic too much.

Us democrats are all in this together.

Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Screw!

And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Musical guest, Kacey Musgraves.

And your host, Owen Wilson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Owen Wilson.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Hello. Yes, we are doing it.

The season premiere of Saturday Night Live.

Now, a lot has changed since the last season.

The vaccine came out everywhere except Florida.

The rest of the country went back to normal for about a week and a half.

But it is wonderful to be here around people again.

I’ve got my two brothers here.

Now, first, I’m a little bit nervous to be here but I’m gonna use

something I learned growing up being a middle child where

sometimes you’re the forgotten one, so you gotta

tap into this feeling with your parents. It’s kind of,

“Hey, get a load of me.”

Of course, if you tap into that feeling too much,

you may find yourself at military school in New Mexico at 16 like I did.

My dad always said he was the charter member of the 3-7-9-0 club.

Three sons, seven high schools, nine colleges, zero degrees.

Which was actually pretty generous of my dad to put it like that

because my brothers only went to one high school and college each.

But listen, I’m excited to be here doing something live.

I mean, this is what musicians talk about where you get that

instant feedback from the crowd because of course, when you do a movie, you do it

and you wait a year to hear how you did. But that’s not the case tonight.

Reviews will be coming in immediately.

People are probably tweeting reviews right now.

And I know they say, “Don’t read reviews”, or actually they say,

“If you read the good ones, you got to read the bad ones.”

That’s not true.

I just read the good ones.

I really find that the bad ones, they don’t really speak to me in the same way.

Plus now, Rotten Tomatoes has that green thing to tell you

which ones to stay away from.

Although, every once in a while, a bad one will make it pass my radar.

I remember one bad one years ago that said “Owen Wilson’s on screen persona

has all the ambition of an old golden retriever laying next to a fire.”

And it just kind of got worse from there.

And to be honest, I probably have been guilty at times of coasting a little,

taking my foot off the pedal, but I’ll tell you what.

When Daniel Day-Lewis retired and all that pressure landed on my shoulders,

everything changed.

And that’s when I knew I had to do Cars 3.

And really...

And really, that’s what tonight’s about. Taking chances.

Spreading your wings as an artist. But you don’t want to go crazy.

You got to pace yourself.

And is it worst thing in the world being a golden retriever laying next to a fire?

I mean, I know everyone comes out here and says, “It’s going to be a great show!”

Is it? I don’t know.

I mean, I’m betting on it, of course. I’m betting on a lot of things lately.

I’ve a bit of gambling problem. But hey, when we lose on the rooms,

we make on the sandwiches. Right?

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is put on your coziest flannel and maybe we just

chill out for the next 90 minutes. Close your eyes, get comfy.

Now I know they said, “Owen, come on.

We don’t want to encourage people to be sleeping.”

Yes, but also I’m not going to stand here and tell people not to dream.

And in my America, most people dream better with their eyes closed.

Now come on, who’s with me?

We have a great show for you tonight.

Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women

can have an opinion about at 11:30 in the morning.

Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first,

Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Ladies, if something’s fried, I'm gonna eat it.

Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay?

And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Okay, here’s what I don’t get.

How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

- How did I ask? - You have a lot of debt.

- How did I ask? - You have a lot of debt.

- How did I ask? - You have a lot of debt.

Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

- I like it. - See, I do too.

I don’t know if you ladies know this but-

Don’t say it.

Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Alright, go ahead.

Okay. My husband is very well endowed

- Yea, you just said that. - Yea, your children are rude.

- You are a bad friend. - Yea, your children are rude.

- You are a bad friend. - Yea, your children are rude.

You are a bad friend.

Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Oh, hi. Here?

Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are.

So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons.

We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Okay.

- Can I have your full name? - Dee-dee Calresian.

- Correct. Date of birth. - May, 13th.

- May, 13th what? - Nineteen... eighty... two.

Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Thanks! Wait. Hey!

And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

- Like, in general? - Yes.

Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive.

So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

No! Well, bye everybody.

Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case.

It happens.

Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment.

Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

I think it’s just Pope.

I can’t keep up.

Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans.

Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Yea, my tree’s up. Oh, okay. The man is back

Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing.

Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested

positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Yea. Maney Talkin.

And your number of sexual partners?

Oh. Just one.

Okay. That’s not what I have here.

I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Of commercials?

Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive

but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this.

I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

Okay. Bye, everyone.

Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because

I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Countless times.

Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

I think the boy should buy it. Well, sir?

I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you

but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

- I’ve got covid? - No. You have HPV.

Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

It does.

Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word.

Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

For decades, the Star Trek franchise has brought you unforgettable voyages

from the Final Frontier. Now, the tradition continues with a new ship,

a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.

Dude! Space is freaking awesome!

Star Trek Ego Quest. The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard.

And its crew of random weirdos. Captain Jeff Bezos.

Hell yes!

First mate, Jeff Bezos’ brother who is name escapes me.

Science Officer is some rich high school kid from Netherlands.

And 82 year old astronaut, Wally Funk.

I’m tired.

Their mission to just sort of fly around space goofing off

in a ship that looks like a penis.

I’m in space with my brother Mark.

- This owns. - This is unbelievable.

Alliances will be formed.

I’d recognize that purple mood lighting anywhere.

Richard Branson, you maniac!

Haha! What’s up, Bezos? You nutter! What are you doing?

Well, just flying around.

Yea, same here. Hey, you fancy a race?

It’s on. Come on, you limey bitch!

Let's go!

Take flight on a midlife crisis of cosmic proportions.

Oh! We hit a space station.

Oops! Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.

But around every corner, danger lurks.

Incoming fototorpedo!

Who the hell is firing at us?

Hello, Jeff Bezos.

Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.

Space is big enough for only one weird white billionaire.

So, you could say beating you is my prime objective.

They’ll need all the help they can get from a loyal team of valued employees.

- Captain. - Yes.

We have a request to beam aboard.

Sweet. Yes. It’s my delivery guy. Beam him up.

Wow! Space! I can’t believe I’m up here.

Thanks. Adios.

By the way, it’s an honor to meet you, sir.

People say you don’t care about Amazon employees but I disagree.

Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out like that?

Ay, can I use the bathroom real quick?

Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!

Star Trek, Ego Quest. Streaming this Christmas.

So, what should we do? We do a couple of laps?

There he is, Owen freaking Wilson. Bring it in!

Alright. Time to make the donuts.

- Baking that again, baby. - Yea.

Dude, by the way, Loki? You crushed it, dude.

I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear it’s amazing.

Yea, I’m proud of it. But hey, this is exciting too. Cars 4.

I didn’t even know they were planning to do another one.

Yea, Pixar is keeping it pretty quiet. I haven’t even seen a full script yet.

They’re just sending over little chunks of dialogs so the animators

can start working. So that is what we’ll be recording today.

Great. Okay. I’m gonna hop in the booth. Let’s do this.

Hey, Kachow! Right?

Kachow! Yes!

There it is. Kachow!

Let me get this on.

Whenever you’re ready, O-Town.

- Here we go. - Rolling!

“Radiator springs, here I come!”

Perfect. Moving on.

“Return to racing, you bet I can still win the piston cup.”

Amazing. Next.

“Back off, Jack off... Back off, Jack ass.

I wasn’t looking at your wife!”

Nailed it. Next.

“I am Speed. Kachow!”

Love it.

“Calm down, Jerk-Off! I didn’t touch your daughter. She was coming on to me.”

Hey, can we stop?

Yeah. What’s wrong, O? That was feeling really, really good.

Yeah, so good. You’re killing it O.

Thanks. But I’m just a little thrown by a few lines in there.

I mean, what exactly is going on in this movie?

You know, again, I haven’t seen a full script.

But you wanna keep going? Cool? Time for three?

On you, O.

Here we go. “Kachow!”

Yeah, perfect. Next line?

“Grow up, man. Your sister sure did!”

Good, good. Moving on.

“So, what college do you girls go to?

Oh! You’re in high school? Could have fooled me.”

Perfect. Dude, you’re crushing it. Moving on.

“Winning the piston cup could save this whole town.

And I can’t race because of one bad date? This is a witch hunt, your honor.”

Wait, guys. He’s in court?

Yeah. What’s the iss, O?

Well, the iss is I think Lightening McQueen is the bad guy in this.

- No. No. Right? - No.

Okay. Well, it just feels like there’s a lot of him creeping on girl cars

and arguing with their dads and husbands and stuff.

It’s a real departure for the character.

Umm, interesting. You know what? Why don’t we get Larry in here?

Might feel a little better to have someone to do your lines with?

Yeah, let’s get Larry the cable guy. Flying in.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, Larry. Come on in.

Hey man, excited to do this. Alright, let’s do this, man.

Okay. Lar, let’s take it from your line on the top of five there.

“Woo-hoo! He’s my best friend, Lightening!”

“Thanks, Mater. You’re mine too.”

“That’s why I was so upset when I heard you was calling me an ‘R’ word.”

Okay, let’s stop. Let’s stop.

He’s calling Mater the ‘R’ word now? Guys, that’s horrible.

Oh, no, no. The ‘R’ word is rusty, I think. Because Mater is rusty.

Okay.

“Hey, you didn’t call me rusty, did you Lightening?”

“No. Stop being such a re―”

No! Guys! I mean, I see the actual ‘R’ word right here and I’m not gonna say it.

All good, O. If you’re not gonna say it,

then skip the next 10 lines and go to the top of 15.

“Whoo, you did it, Lightning! You done won the Piston cup.”

“Ha-ha! Yeah! Kachow!”

“Hey! What are you doing, Lightening? That’s my sister, buddy.”

“Not tonight, Mater.”

“Hey, come on, Lightening. Why her?”

“Power!”

Come on!

Guys, I’m not doing this. It’s not happening.

It’s a complete betrayal of a beloved character and I don’t want any part of it.

Really? Because they just sent over your contract.

You might want to take a look at it.

Well, it’s not about the money.

And that’s just for this?

Disney had a very good year.

Okay. Well, come on. This thing’s not gonna record itself.

Let’s go. Kachow!

Kachow!

You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel 8.

Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days.

But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to

Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School.

Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s

covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy.

Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay?

And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this,

all of this, this is about Israel.

Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s

covid policy or your child’s safety?

I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Then you should not be here. Next!

So, I’m confused.

My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Okay, next!

Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now.

Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools.

My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Hi there.

If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz?

Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

What exactly is that?

It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production

and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee...

Was Bad Middle School.

And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it

and I can’t find any proof that

separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Is that something you’re doing in class?

Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up.

I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. It says...

Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’.

Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert!

Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

We are so getting sued over that. Next!

Sir, do you have a question?

Barack Hussein Obama...

No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang!

This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens

who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only,

but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Bitch!

Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class.

I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and

they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

No.

Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie.

So my question to you is, do you know where he is?

Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

We do not.

Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy.

Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only.

Next.

Hello.

No! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic.

Smart lady!

Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe

from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people?

Alright, next?

Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff.

And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house

in high school gym.

It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights,

screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

You gonna regret this.

We won’t. Okay, next.

You guys ready?

Science!

Fear!

Which one prevail?

Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy

for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

All right

Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

No! No!

I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

Let me do my haunted house!

No! Meeting adjourned. Goodbye!

Ladies and gentlemen, Kacey Musgraves.

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

- I’m Michael Che. - I’m Colin Jost.

Very nice to be back with you.

First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine.

We were in the middle of intense election.

Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick.

The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.”

It was exciting time for the show.

Big story this year... Infrastructure.

I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level,

but it’s not great for TV.

So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke.

I’d really appreciate it.

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely.

So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday

to make a case for his build back better budget plan.

No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence

of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera

and based on this photo, it either really hurt... or felt really good.

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine

for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween.

Because what goes better with Halloween than needles?

Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed

an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid.

The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA

or The Joe Rogan Experience.

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week

but won’t be sentenced until next May.

After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year.

In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online

to force music streaming services to remove his music.

After all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

Welcome back, Colin.

It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics...

Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption

to the covid vaccine.

Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island,

with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome

since minority women are rarely given the same attention.

Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

Welcome. Welcome.

It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly,

it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay?

It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me

and look at the photo they put out of her.

Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that.

Now, look at the photo they used for me.

Who the hell wants to find that? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister.

And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car.

Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too.

You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin.

They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right.

And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’.

I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing.

Plus the white girl got amber alert.

Oh, boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing.

They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless.

And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

- That is rough. - Yeah.

- And how are you treated by the media? - Not great.

The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay?

And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving,

still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt

their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. Brag.

And mine was on page C-15 and that one read

“Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

- That’s by the Obituaries. - Yeah.

Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin.

Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention.

White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”,

“Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?”

The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

That’s tough. Yes.

And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl.

All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said

“You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update,

we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted “What did R. Kelly even do?”

What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

- What is your name? - Dont! Too late.

The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid

for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter.

NBA players have a long proud history of losing money

because they refuse to use protection.

Glad I didn’t tell that joke.

A new study finds that young adults with depression have a

higher risk of dementia later in life.

Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record.

The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting

Chicago residents with raw eggs.

So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney World.

To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where

celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized

by some as elitist.

For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin.

So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Really? So, wait! This isn’t you?

Who was I talking to all night?

Did you have fun at the Gala?

Oh, it was amazing.

No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year

and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Yeah, I don’t know why. That’s a cool dress.

I look like James Bond at Quinceanera.

I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl.

Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No.

But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes,

just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it.

But whatever makes you happy. Alright?

You’re still welcomed in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay.

Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest

and the most homophobic generation of all time.

All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town.

Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun.

That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other

as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky.

I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from.

I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50

what they did for fun growing up?

They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out.

Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.”

You know. “The men were men!”

So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much.

He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario.

I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart.

He’s a lovely guy. I mean, you just make one bad movie and then people hate you?

Is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry?

No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie

because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Okay. Well, Pete Davidson...

Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more.

I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Pete Davidson, everyone!

I can’t believe I’m back.

Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating

with a plastic bottle.

Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani.

During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant,

the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself.

Not to be outdone, Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new

presidential library will lead to gentrification.

For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before

sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with God.

A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update

and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News.

At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out

against same sex marriages. What’s more?

The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out

in the Pacific Ocean.

Built on 40x20 ft. floating cylinders.

It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man

was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise.

Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise... just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran

put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders.

Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out,

“Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.

Welcome. We are here today to honor the passing of Miriam Lewis.

Miriam was a devoted mother, a loving grandmother, a devout church goer

and most of all, just a free spirit.

- She sure was. - Nana live a life.

And Miriam’s favorite thing to do in the whole world was to take

the bus down to Atlantic city and play those penny slots.

- Yeah, she went every single weekend. - I miss Nana so much.

Mariam wanted every detail of this funeral to reflect her spirit,

starting with her all time favorite song as sung by her all time favorite

performer, please welcome bussed in, not direct, from the Loose Nugget Casino,

legendary Atlantic city headliner, Levar B. Burton.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you to Peter Pan bus lines

for bringing me to New York city via Secaucus via Hershey, Pennsylvania.

I knew Miriam very well. She would always sit front row in my show and shout,

“Sing my song!” Well, this one’s for you, Miriam.

I used to think that I could not go on

This song sounds familiar.

And life was nothing but an awful song.

I think it’s ‘I believe I can fly’.

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it,

We miss you, Mimi.

there’s nothing to it

Say it with me. I believe I can fly.

- Stop. This song is by R. Kelly. - Yea.

We were already sad and then you made us listen to R. Kelly.

Well, actually, you’re listening to Levar B. Burton.

Hold on. I don’t understand. Miriam told me she wanted this specific song.

But R. Kelly is a horrible man who did awful things.

Well, maybe Nana didn’t know about all that.

Hah, maybe she didn’t.

Yea, and it was Nana’s wish.

Yea, I guess go ahead, Lavar Burton.

Lavar B. Burton. Yes, that’s very important legally.

Now, where was I?

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky Hey, that’s us.

Thinking about it every night and day Oh, no.

Spread my wings and fly away.

Wow, she sure met a lot of celebrities.

I believe I can fly

I believe I can fly That’s way too recent

I’m sorry. Thank you very much for coming, Lavar Burton.

Oh, don’t forget that B in the middle.

This may be what Nana wanted but this is not how we wanted to remember her.

Look folks, I don’t know a lot about celebrities or rock n’ roll,

and I’m sure Nana didn’t either. But

she was just a sweet old lady who loved to see a show and I know she wanted

a funeral that reflected that. Because I’ll never forget, right before she died,

she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “I believe I can fly.”

And then she jumped.

Yea, those gambling debts finally caught up to her.

Oh, so that’s why she chose this song.

So, you want me to finish it?

No. Absolutely not. Why don’t you play Nana’s second favorite song instead?

Oh, you got it.

Now, usually I don’t do this but

why don’t we go on and break them up with a little piece of the remix?

It’s a remix to ignition, babe patting fresh out the kitchen...

Once again, Kacey Musgraves

Welcome back to Dallas where the starting of the second half,

it’s Cowboys 10 and Carolina 14.

And Troy, this capacity crowd has been treated to a great one.

For they sure have. Remember, with mic’ed up Dallas running back,

Ezekiel Elliott, you’ll be hearing that as soon as he says something

we can put on TV.

Sounds great. But before the second half begins,

Thursday night’s just got a whole lot more interesting.

“Crazy House”, because home is where the cray-cray stay.

9:30,8:30 Central. It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty crazy.

You know what? You know what show I really like?

Dwight Schrute. Remember that one?

Yes. I think you mean “The Office”.

Yes, yes. That’s it. That was a good one. That Dwight guy.

I just never knew what he was going to do. Crazy.

The Cowboys kickoff to start the half, recepted by Erickson,

and he stopped at 26.

Oh no. Oh-oh! Looks like we got a man down.

Is that Will? Oh gosh. It’s Williams.

Indeed. He’s holding his leg. Well, while we have a moment,

Thursday’s about to get a whole lot crazier because its double the crazy,

Crazy House. Two back to back episodes of Fox’s new fall family hit.

Crazy house is the story of McKenna, Mckayla and Suave.

Three influencers who have inherited the craziest house in Chicago.

Home is where the cray-cray stay, slay, 9:30,8:30 Central.

Hey, quick question. How is Suave spelled?

Is it written fanatically or is it some kind of weird Spanish symbol?

You know what Troy? Let’s not guess.

Let’s go down to Erin Andrews, who’s on the sidelines. Erin.

Guys, Derek Williams is still down.

No word yet but I’ll have the report as soon as we hear.

Thanks Erin. Oh, I’m just getting this.

Has this ever happened to you?

You and your influencer friends are in the coolest road trip ever.

As you record a TikTok in every national park when suddenly

you get a letter from extensive billionaire, Theodore Crazy.

Wait. So, they’re not crazy. The house is owned by a guy named Crazy?

Yea, apparently so. Yes.

Now, McKenna, McKayla and Suave are the new lords and ladies of Crazy House.

Crazy House, you know we had to ‘did it on them’.

I don’t think that’s how you say that.

I just read what they gave me.

Erin, we’d love to get an update on that injury.

Hold on. Did I see that one in the Crazy House folks is a puppet?

Oh, I suppose so.

Now, who do you think it probably is? Suave, right?

Well, let’s not guess. Let’s not guess.

They’re taking a lot of time to get Williams update. Phil? Oh, okay.

Thursday isn’t ready for this flex.

Watch what happens when three friends inherit the house of their dreams

with one catch ― they must use it to fight for social justice.

It’s Crazy House.

This week, McKenna, McKayla the monster and Suave are joined by special guest,

DaBaby. Crazy House. It’s a vibe.

Okay now, DaBaby? What did he do? He did something, right?

Did he have to quit basketball because he’s afraid of the vaccine?

Actually, I think DaBaby is in the music industry.

Oh, okay. But wait, there was a movie where a baby’s wearing a suit.

Is that him? I think it’s called “Boss Bitch” or― Is that?

Troy, please. Let’s not guess.

Oh! Thank goodness. Looks like Erin has a news for us.

Actually, I don’t. I just had a question about Crazy House.

Did I just see Stacey Abrams with the monster puppet?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, she’s like the Dwight Schrute of the show?

And how are they fighting for social justice using the million dollar house?

It says here, Theodore Crazy gives them points.

What points? Like, a reality show.

So, you can get 10 points if you march for Black Lives Matter?

Troy, once again, let’s not guess.

Instead, let’s take a break. And we’ll be back

with more Dallas Carolina here at Fox.

Wait, McKayla is the monster puppet?

Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there

and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Shawn, the clients are here.

- Great. Bring them in. - Okay, here we go.

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Yes, very impressive.

Thank you. And these are your marks right here.

You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do

is speak right to the camera.

- Sounds great. - Love that. Can do.

Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool. Testing. Take one.

And action!

Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Hello.

Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis

of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

And with our mail-in kit,

you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why?

Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool.

And that’s testing for diseases.

We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases,

then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it,

play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

That’s why, our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases.

Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good.

I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys.

It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Okay. Explain that.

Yea, coz you say― We’re saying that we’re not.

I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct.

And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Oh, okay.

Yea, I get that.

Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time.

Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

- Less definite, got it. - Got you boss. Got you boss.

Alright. Let’s go again.

Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Action!

Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because

they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

But at Robinsons’, our process is simple.

We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases.

The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases.

Then that thing’s going right in the trash... Maybe!”

Okay. Cut.

Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

You know, I was worried people might think that.

Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy.

Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out,

mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Yes, I do.

I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do.

If they do, then that’s their problem.

Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Great call.

Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Action.

Dorothy here. I got a question for you.

Who the hell do you think you are?

You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day.

You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Just ask our mailman.

Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

I don’t mind.

Thank you.

I don’t mind at all.

We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously.

And we value your trust.

That’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is...

“Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

We got plenty.

Thanks so much to Kacey Musgraves.

And you, guys.

I had a great time tonight, thanks to all of you, guys.

Thank you.