All language subtitles for MASH S05E05 The Nurses

Okay,
if Brooklyn can hold on

to any part of this lead,

they'll remain
4 1/2 games ahead

of the onrushing Giants.

New York has won 16
of the last 18 games,

while the slumping Dodgers
have only seven wins

over the same period.

It's 7-4 here in Cincinnati

in the bottom of the eighth.

Nobody on and one down,

and the Reds are up to bat.

The Reds are up
to bat here, too.

They're hitting us
pretty good, sir.

He who lives by the bat
dies by the bat.

Oh, very good, Hawkeye.

You need another unit
of whole blood.

You wanna get
with it, Walsh?

Let her get her engine
started, Margaret.

I'll handle the nurses.
Thank you.

I'll be happy
to help. Pickups.

Margaret, my brains
are on fire.

Towel. Towel!

Fastball cut on
and missed.

-Give me some suction.
-The count is O and 2.

Newcombe has Bell
in a hole

as he looks
into Campy again.

Thank you.

The windup, the pitch...

and a swing and a miss
for strike three...

good change-up.

Gus was way out
in front of it.

And down he goes.

Well, at least he
went down swinging.

That's the way
I want to go.

Colonel, permission
to kill the radio.

-Granted.
-Only four more outs

for his 16th victory
of the sea--

It melted.

You and your hot
little hands.

Never mind her hands.

Go change your gloves,
Sweeney.

You're contaminated.

I swear I never
touched her.

Anybody got
an ice cube hat?

Or a snowsuit?

I think I just
had a hot flash.

Colonel, are you gonna let
them discuss female diseases

with ladies present?

It's not a disease,
doctor. It's a symptom.

That's one for her, Burns.

Preston, don't
contradict the doctors.

-Or Frank.
-Oh, can it, doggie breath.

I need more three-oh silk.

We're out, doctor.

I told you
to check Supply.

I did, Major. We're out.

You should have
anticipated.

We have four-0
silk, doctor.

-Will that do?
-Well, it'll have to.

Colonel, we can't
go on like this.
No supplies. No water.

It's been a week since
anybody's had a shower.

I know.
It's beginning to smell

like the inside
of a whale around here.

Imagine what Jonah
must have gone through.

Some people have the courtesy
to sponge in their helmets.

Do you go
in the deep end?

Baker, you want to get that
tray organized? It's a mess.

Just the way I like it.

It's the maid's day off.

Well, it's not procedure.

And I'll thank both of you

to stop interfering
with my staff.

I wouldn't touch your staff
with a 10-foot nurse.

Hemostat.

Oh, not that, you ninny!
The other thing!

But you asked
for the hemostat.

Don't give him what he asks
for. Give him what he needs.

Give him fatter lips.

Major, this woman
is impossible!

-I demand a nurse.
-Listen, Mister,
don't call me--

- Mister?
- Dr. Burns to you!

Seems like a lot
of conflict in here.

Right, Padre.

Everybody, calm down!

Lieutenant Preston,
just for that,

you're in charge
of cleaning up the O.R.

-after this session.
-Yes, Major.

He may be a lot of things,
but he's no mister.

Thank you.

Fudge. You're kidding.

It's 110 degrees outside.

Oh, this stuff will
cool by October.

I'll wait.

We'll add the nuts
in September.

Whoop.

I have your assignments
for tomorrow.

I hope that's not
what I think it is.

We won't know what it is
till September.

Why don't you guess?

And we'll tell you
if you're right.

You're drunk.

You know you're not supposed
to be cooking in here.

I can't help it.

I always get cooking
when I get drunk.

Be careful, or you'll
go on report.

Report?

Heavens to Betsy.

Next thing she'll make me
stay after school.

I will not tolerate
drunkenness.

Major, I already did my duty,

with 17 hours overtime
and three cardiac arrests.

You can't upset me. I'm numb.

I don't even feel sad

with burn patients
that look like mummies.

That's why I'm drinking:
to feel something.

Lieutenant,
when you sober up,

you report to my tent.

Major, why don't you
leave her alone?

You're in enough trouble

with that peroxide
on your hair.

In case you have forgotten,

it's against regulations
to steal from Supply.

Is that one natural
blonde to another?

My hair has always
been this color!

You mean blonde
with black roots?

I don't have black roots!

All right, gray.

-You rotten little--
-Oh, come on!

Forget it, all right?
All right?

I've had it with you, Baker.
You're on report.

Your orders will be posted.

Fudge.

Fudge.

I'm fine, Mom.

I'm fine, Mom, uh,
but boy, is it hot here.

Somebody even broke
into the little
snowflake paperweight

you sent me for my birthday.

-Ooh.
-Excuse me.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.

Oh, no. That's okay.

I-I'm just writing
my mom a letter

on how hot it gets here
when it gets hot here.

-Okay.
-Yeah?

You know where I can
find Lieutenant Baker?

Uh, she's in her tent,

but I don't think she's
allowed to see any people.

Oh, I'm not people.
I'm her husband.

Oh, you must be the guy
that married her.

Right. I'm Tony Baker.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

Well, uh,
so what's the problem?

Uh, no problem.
She just, uh--

She got into an argument
with Major Houlihan,

and she's confined
to her tent.

Oh, perfect.

We didn't have
a honeymoon.

I just got
a 24-hour pass,

and I figured
I'd surprise her.

Oh, wow.

Hey, listen,
uh, wait a minute.

Maybe I could, uh,
sneak her out for a minute.

You know, you could wait
in the Swamp.

-In the Swamp?
-Yeah.

Oh, come on.
I'll show you.

Okay, but listen, I want
this to be a surprise now.

She hasn't seen me
in two months.

Boy, you think the army
would try to fix it

so guys that are married
with each other

could be in the same outfit.

-Here she comes.
-Let's act crazy

so she doesn't
suspect anything.

-Surprise!
-Here she is!

Right this way, please.

-Right down there.
-What's this all about?

Listen, I'm in enough
trouble as it is.

Mickey Baker,
this is your life!

Hawkeye...

Out of minutes
of exhaustive research

comes a remarkably
dull story,

starting with your birth
somewhere in the U.S. of A.

-Radar--
-Shortly thereafter,

because of a keen mind
and body to match,

you were allowed
to skip infancy

and go directly
to the third grade,

where you were
heard to say...

Oh, uh, "When I grow up,

"I want to be
in the Korean War."

Are you all drunk?

And then there
was high school.

I'm getting
out of here.

Remember those years?

Sad, mad, glad,
crazy, funny.

Then... a restaurant in Seoul.

You were sitting alone,
when you heard a voice say...

When you heard
a voice say...

Hi! Is this seat taken?

Tony.

Tony, where are you?

Oh!

Tony, I don't believe it!

Where did you come from?

From under the bed.

Boy, this is even better
than the real program.

What program?

You mean there's
a show like this?

I hear you're in trouble.

Does that mean
I can't see you tonight?

-I'm confined to quarters.
-Great.

I've got to
be back tomorrow.

And I'm due in post-op
in 10 minutes.

Don't worry about tonight.
B.J. and I'll fix it.

We will?

For being on our show,
this lovely young couple

will be flown at great
expense to a tent

30 feet from where
we're standing,

where they will spend
a glorious evening

in the Olive Drab Room

of the Continental
Korean Plaza,

overlooking
the fabulous latrine.

Compliments of
the wonderful people

-who brought you this war.
-Yay!

How can we be together?
I'm restricted.

Let's not talk medicine.
Let's talk romance.

The night
belongs to lovers.

Oh, boy.
He got me with that one.

Uh-oh...

Captain, I know this may sound
like a frivolous question,

but what the hell
are you doing?

Quarantining your tent.

Quarantining my tent?
What for?

There's a very sick soldier
in there.

Looks like the plague.

The plague. What plague?

Looks like bubonic.
We can't be sure yet.

Uh, it-it's gonna take
about 24 hours to isolate.

Corporal.

Yes, ma'am?

Yes, ma'am?

Is there really
a sick man in there?

Oh, uh...

uh, if I were you, I wouldn't
suck in any air, Major.

Uh-- uh-uh.

Do you mind?
I'd like to see for myself.

You want to look in there?
Inside there?

Of course.

It's gonna be
a very rough night.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why do you always
have to inconvenience me?

Well, where are we
gonna put him?

Why not put him in
Father Mulcahy's tent?

No, no, no,
we thought about that,

but if the good father
got the plague,

who would give him
the last rites?

I need my things.

-Yeah, we thought about that.
-Uh, yeah.

I packed your toothbrush,
your jammies,

and one of your slingshots.

You jerkface!
That's my garter belt.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I try not to look
at your unmentionables.

I told you
not to mention that.

Colonel Potter's
gonna hear about this.

Pierce, I want the facts
on this fella

in Major Houlihan's tent.

Colonel, he had
to be quarantined.

The only reason I borrowed
Major Houlihan's bed

is that she lives alone...

with good reason, may I add.

-You may not add!
-Subtract that.

What's he
quarantined for?

About 24 hours.

The disease!

Oh, the disease.
I'm glad you asked that.

Because there's
a very simple explanation.

My partner.

At first we thought
it was, um, the plague,

uh, but then we've
narrowed it down

to either typhoid
or schistosomiasis.

Schistosomiasis?

What kind of nonsense
is that?

No, no, I've heard of that.
It's very common.

-Really?
-Millions of people contract it

by wading waist-high
in the river Nile.

Exactly. Now if you'll
excuse us, Colonel.

Not so fast.

How do you suppose
a foot soldier in Korea,

a fair distance from Egypt,
caught this disease?

Um, maybe he went home
to see his mummy?

Doctors, cut the comedy.

What, if anything,
is wrong with this boy?

Colonel, he shows all
the symptoms of-of typhoid.

Now, we-we-we can't be sure.

We just have to quarantine
him for a while to find out.

Twenty-four hours
ought to do it.

Colonel, are you gonna
let them get away

with whatever it is they're
trying to get away with?

It's only for a day.

The boy's quarantined
for 24 hours.

Where am I supposed
to sleep?

With the nurses.

With the nurses?

Have them set up an extra cot.

Isn't there some other way?

Why? Is that a problem?

No, of course not, Colonel.

If it is, I can sleep
with the nurses

and Major Houlihan
can sleep in the Swamp,

if she doesn't mind snoring.

Won't bother me
if she snores.

I'll take the nurses,
thank you.

Save a couple for me.

Dismissed!
I'm getting a headache.

You know, I always dreamed

I'd honeymoon
in Niagara Falls.

Ah, Richard and I had
the bridal suite there.

- Really?
-Yeah.

If we ever get married,
I'd like to go back.

-I'm so nervous.
-Why?

You sneak over to see Tony.
You get back before dawn.

Nobody's gonna be the wiser.

It's not that. I'm worried
about getting a bath.

Well, it just so happens

we took up a little water
collection around camp.

Oh, really? That's sweet.

-Can you fit into
a coffee cup?
-Oh.

I got a little
honeymoon present for you.

I was saving it
for an emergency,

but, uh, it's just
a few drops of perfume.

Thank you. What's it called?

I don't remember.
The first time I used it,

my boyfriend
chewed off the label.

What's the matter?

Private Parker
just died.

Who's that?

One of the kids
in the burn section.

You remember? He was always
flirting with Gaynor.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Try not to take it
so hard.

I'm not. That's just it.

We were friends,
and I don't feel anything.

I don't feel death anymore.
It's just death.

Oh, now.

Well, I don't
have any candy.

You never know
what you might find.

Oh, uh, you children
get out of here.

I don't understand
what those kids--

It isn't necessary to make
them feel afraid of me.

I happen to love children.

We thought you might
confine them to their huts.

Very funny.

All right. I want
this place to sparkle.

Everything sterile,
all instrument packs complete.

Check all trays
and inventory all supplies.

Also, due to
a shortage of beds,

I'll be forced to sleep
in the Nurses' Tent tonight.

That's right.
Mine's been quarantined.

I'm sure you're no more
pleased about it than I,

so I suggest we all try
to make the best of it.

Hot Lips in our tent.

That'll be like sneaking past a
watchdog.

We'll chloroform her kibble.

We'll rock her to sleep.

With a real rock.

I don't care if Margaret
has to sleep with
the nurses tonight.

-What's that to me?
-She hates the idea.

She'd rather spend time
with anyone else, even you.

Frank, this is
your big chance.

Hawk and I will clear
out of the Swamp,

and you can invite
Margaret over for
a little Apache dance.

I'm not chasing Margaret.

I'm waiting for her
to come to me.

How's that?

You guys don't know
a thing about women.

Then how come he has a baby?

I'm playing hard to get.
I'm making her suffer.

There's sweat
on her upper lip.

Frank, it's 110 degrees.

When I see her crawling
across the compound

on her hands and knees...

You know what
that'll mean?

-She ate in the Mess Tent?
-No!

It'll mean that she's
almost ready.

Till then, no dice.

I think we crapped out.

Well, how do I look?

-Sensational.
-Oh, gorgeous.

Is that what we're
supposed to look like?

-I think so.
-Mary Jo got it in Tokyo.

And I think it's
a little big through here.

Look,
I loaned you my nightgown.

I can't loan you everything.

You don't think
it's too much, do ya?

I mean, I don't want
to look overanxious.

Well, he might like that.

Here comes Houlihan.
Quick, under the covers.

-The light.
-Oh, I forgot.

Now, are we supposed
to be asleep

or just dozing off?

Mary Jo, shut up.

Well, what's this?

Everybody in bed
on time for a change?

Well, Major, early to bed,
early to rise.

No bull session?
No coffee tonight?

No, Major,
we threw it out.

Good night, Major.

Good night.

Halt!
Who goes there?

Baker. Uh...

I was going
to the latrine.

It's the other way.

Uh, Klinger, I, uh...

don't really have
to go to the latrine.

-You don't?
-No.

I see.

Um, listen.

Don't, uh,
ask any questions,

and, um...

my lavender peasant blouse
is yours.

With the matching scarf?

Mm-hmm.

Pass.

I...

Shh.

Who is it?

Um, it's Corporal O'Reilly.

I was just wondering
if I'm bothering you.

Uh, come on in, Radar.

Oh, no, listen,
I don't want to see
your honeymoon.

It's all right.
Come on in.

-Come on.
-Oh.

I was just leaving.

Tony has to get
back to his outfit.

Oh, gee.

Uh, I just thought

maybe you'd like
some breakfast.

Um, if you scrape
the black off of, uh, it,

it's toast under it.

Thanks, but, uh,
I have to shove off.

Take care of yourself,
sweetheart, okay?

Okay.

Write me.

-I will.
-We will.

Oh, gee. Pardon me.
I'm sorry.

I-I guess I'd just
better be going.

Would you-- Would you tell
Hawkeye and B.J. thanks?

Oh, sure. I will.

Gee, love is swell.

Good morning, Major.

Good morning, Lieutenant.

This time I'm gonna
throw the book at you.

What have we got?

Got a pregnant one here.

She's in labor,
and it's a breech.

-Get her prepped.
-Right.

-Chopper's on the pad.
-Looks like a sellout.

Attention!
Incoming casualties.

All personnel report
to pre-op immediately.

-Uh, Major,
can we talk to you?
-About what?

About what you're gonna
do to Lieutenant Baker.

And what does that have
to do with you?

She's our friend.

And we don't
want to see her
in any more trouble.

Then you should've
stopped her. Let's go.

What'd she do
that was so wrong?

She spent the night
in my tent

with a quarantined soldier.

That soldier
was my husband,

and it's the first time
we've been together

since our marriage.

It was a violation
of rules.

Oh, come on, Major.

You've ruled, regulated,
and reported us to death.

You're in the army,

and the army
means discipline.

We know that.
But once, just once,

can't you show
a little compassion?

And once, just once,

couldn't you be
honest with me?

Last night was
just another joke,

just another lie
to Major Houlihan.

How can we be honest
with you?

You're like a cat
waiting for the mice

to make a mistake
so you can pounce.

Let's face it, Major.
You don't trust us.

And do you trust me?
You act like I'm the enemy.

All right. If I had asked
your permission last night,

what would you have done?

-I would have said no.
-See?

Not because it's
against regulations,

but because of the rotten
way you've treated me.

The way we've treated you?
What are you talking about?

Did you ever show me
any kind of friendship?

Ask my help
with a personal problem?

Include me in one of your
little bull sessions?

Can you imagine
what it feels like to--

To walk by this tent
and hear you laughing and--

and know I-I'm not welcome?

Did you ever once

ever offer me
a lousy cup of coffee?

We didn't think
you'd accept.

Well, you were wrong.

Radar, I want to see it.

I want to see
that culture report.

The--
The culture report.

On the fella
who was quarantined.

You remember him.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That fella.

He was a real nice guy.

Uh, but, uh,
I think he got better

because we released him.

-Released him?
-Yeah.

I thought he had typhoid!

Oh, that's right.

But it was just
the 24-hour kind.

-Ooh!
-What?

I forgot.

Doctors, tell me
about this miracle cure

you've discovered
for typhoid.

Oh, it wasn't, uh, typhoid.

Our diagnosis
was all wrong.

Yeah, it was just a cold
trying to fool us.

You wanna stick
with that story?

No, I'm working
on a better one.

Keep working,
and follow me.

Major Houlihan,
we've been had,

you and me.

Your tent
was used last night

for some devious
shenanigans.

If you'd like
to level charges,

I'll understand.

I know all about
last night, Colonel.

It's a private matter
between me and my nurses.

That's the end of it?

Yes, sir.

Whatever you say, Major.

Let's get ready.

Look at that.
Anybody got a cigar?

I didn't even know
we were pregnant.

You delivered it?

Not it.
It's Miss Su Ling Sun.

She was a breech.

She may have come
into the world backward,

but she landed on her feet.

Oh, isn't she beautiful?

Just like her doctor.

I'm sorry, I--

I don't know why I'm crying.

It's just life.

You're getting
the baby all wet.

Yeah.

Not to mention
wasting water.

Why are we making fudge
again in this heat?

Well, the last time
we made it,

Baker threw it all over
the front of the tent.

Now I'm gonna throw it
against the back

so it'll match.
Try some. It's good.

Mmm. What we don't eat,
we could always use

to waterproof our boots.

Evening, nurses.

-Good evening, Major.
-Good evening, Major.

I have your assignments
for tomorrow.

I hope that's not
what I think it is.

No, Major. It's fudge.

Cooking in the tents
is against regulations.

Yes, Major.

Have some?

Oh, that's really bad.

How about a lousy
cup of coffee?

I'd love it.