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The Maniacs THE ELABORATION

That's it all sorted.

- Is everything OK? - Yeah.

- And the carburetor? - I changed it.

I put in two dual Indianapolis pistons. It's a dream!

- And the head...? - I lowered it 5mm,

then I changed the gas pump. Listen to this music, listen.

This is us at 5,000 revs, nearly 150 per hour.

And the 2nd double piston has still to kick in. Can you hear the click?

Can you hear the click?

Yeah.

200 per hour, no problem.

- What about the brakes? - I changed the brakes.

I put in disc brakes.

Don't worry, sir, you'll be fine.

Oh, hang on...

next time you come, I'll fit you a safety belt.

Yes, it's not so much for me as for the clients.

The Maniacs SPORT

We'll send the goods right away. Good day.

- Galizio! Galizio! - Yes?

Close that window! How can anyone work with that racket?

Biagetti, we'll have no coughing.

Sir, I've a bit of a cold.

Biagetti, if you have a cold, stay at home and call the doctor.

You're entitled to three months' sick leave on half pay

so you can cough as much as you like.

Excuse me, sir, excuse me.

Di Pasquale! Di Pasquale!

- Yes, sir. - What do you do at night?

Well, I sleep at night, sir...

No, you don't sleep at night, Di Pasquale!

You sleep at the office and are unproductive!

You have a typical playboy's face!

Of course.

Why?

No, not Anna Maria! Low hips, short legs...

I'd prefer Bartoluzzi. Yeah, the one who stripped off at Marchetti's.

She's good!

Call that other one, then.

Yeah, Wanda!

Yeah, you remember! The little babe from Focette. Great!

Sure, we'll sort out the goods for Focette on the steamer at Gorgona.

I'll call you back, sir.

Yes, sir?

My dear Sita, I'd appreciate your liveliness a lot more

if it were working in the company's interests!

Apart from the confusion that reigns on this desk

that I've mentioned already,

you behave like an outsider here.

You treat this office as a pied-?- terre, a bachelor pad!

- But really, sir... - "Really, sir... "!

Continuous phone calls to who-knows-who!

And I don't want to know! Frequent trips to the bathroom...

for I don't know what illness...

You're right, sir.

And I don't want to know that either!

Innumerable little Cinzanos at the bar on the corner

charged to I don't know who...

But I do want to know about that because I get endless bills to pay!

- Have I made myself clear, Sita? - Of course.

And let's all remember...

that in life we have to apply ourselves untiringly...

.. and absolutely...

to only one thing...

.. work!

And the person telling you this is someone...

who, throughout his whole life,

has never thought about anything else!

Never!

Come on! Shoot! Come on, shoot! Go!

Have you not got somewhere else you could go but here?

Go on... go on... shoot...

You see that?

Penalty! Penalty! That's a penalty! That's a penalty!

He gave it, the referee gave it.

- It was never a foul! - Yeah, he chopped him down.

Mazzola's taking it, Mazzola's taking it!

He'll go one way, than bang, boom, we're level!

Yashin will save it.

Hey, are you supporting them or us?

It's not about them or us, it's about the game.

Italy have been awful so far.

What, awful? You think I should be applauding these Bolsheviks?

This is about national dignity!

Mazzola will take it, he'll go one way, than bang, boom, it's a draw!

- He'll save it. - He'll whack it in!

- He'll save it. - He'll whack it in!

He'll save it!

And I tell you, if Mazzola doesn't whack it in...

.. I'll pimp my wife! - Down by the river?

Down by the river! Fan's word of honor!

Esperia! Hey, Esperia! How's it going!

It's dead tonight.

On you go, let's show we've got a sense of humor.

Oh, absolutely!

You definitely have!

Hey, it's cold here! Did you bring the thermos?

Hang on!

He's a man of his word, eh!

Oh, yes!

You have to say...

Oh, yeah, brand-new, straight out the factory!

- Well, well! - You want to make an impression?

Hey, Miss Movement!

- Hey, I like you! - How dare you?

What a babe! I've always liked your type!

Name your price and we'll have fun tonight!

She's found a shy one!

No, I'm kidding.

What is it? What are you scared of, babe?

Get her to stop, Giulio, you've paid your bet.

- Yes. - No, no, no, I can't...

- What do you mean? - I gave my fan's word of honor.

Stop it with this fan's word of honor! That guy means it!

Your wife's been a good sport!

It would have to be that scoundrel!

- What? - Nothing, nothing...

Open the door, let him out!

On you go!

What are you making me do?

On you go!

- Let's go. - What?

On you go, on you go! Move!

Get lost or I'll call my husband!

Your husband? Is that what you call pimps now?

- Stop it! - Hey! Hey...

Sir...

Sir!

You here as well?

I know them all here,

but I've never seen a babe as scared as that.

I'd hope so!

Let's go, Giulio!

What... you know each other already?

Ah, because Mr. Errani is a client? Great!

Listen, Sita... leave this lady alone.

Why? If you already know this "lady", let me go with her this evening.

Stop it! Aren't you ashamed of accosting a woman on her own?

Listen, sir, this tone is fine in the office,

but here everyone has the right to do as they like, OK?

That's enough now, Sita, go home!

Of course, sir!

But with the babe. Let's go, babe.

Keep your hands to yourself!

Listen, sir, on you go, or I'II lose my patience,

because I can do what I like here, all right?

- But not with this woman! - Why not?

- Why not? - Tell him!

- Because... - Tell him!

- Tell him! - Yes...

.. because this woman... - Yeah?

Well?

.. Is my wife! - Oh!

- Ah...? - Yes, yes...

.. but let me explain... - Explain!

Does she bring the money home?

- Biagetti? - Yes, sir?

- What can I do for you? - Come round here.

Biagetti, bills should be settled by and no later than the 30th.

The first dispatch...

The first...

Right, sir, the first dispatch...

See that? He's a prankster too...

but...

he's an educated young man...

he knows lots of things...!

The Maniacs OVERTAKING

Well, what is it?

Another king of the road on his way!

Oh, all right, let him overtake.

You want to overtake? Overtake, then. It's not like I'm accelerating.

If anything, I'm slowing down!

You wanna kill yourself? On you go.

I'II let you overtake! On you go, overtake, come on!

It's not like I'm accelerating! It's not like I'm mad!

Well...?

Dip your headlamps, tough guy!

What do you think? The road belongs to you?

You wanna race?

You like racing? Race, then, go on!

Overtake, overtake! Move!

But there's something you should know...

I like racing too.

I don't want to let you overtake!

You're desperate to overtake, aren't you?

Come on, baby, show him,

this son of a...

What kind of engine have you got? Damn him! How many horsepower?

You want to break your neck? Who's stopping you? Break your neck!

Madman!

The Maniacs THE HOBBY

Dearest Senator, how nice to see you.

On top form as ever.

- Hey, Barbara! - Hi! How are you? I'm on my way.

I'm going to eat and leave.

The food's good here, isn't it?

No, no. I don't want to upset my stomach.

You're right.

Count!

Treasure!

With your wife at last!

A rare pleasure, dear, very rare!

- The big cuckold is here too. - And getting richer.

Carla, I wasn't expecting to see you here.

Since you didn't invite me...

I acted on my own initiative.

Sorry, but weren't you with Enrico?

Enrico? No.

Well, where is he, then?

If you don't know and you're his wife!

Come on, don't try to be funny!

- Tell me where you left him. - I swear!

- I haven't seen Enrico at all today. - I don't understand.

He went out this morning, saying he was going to yours.

- To mine? - Yeah!

My dear Senator, how are you?

- A bit busy. - Excuse me. Carla, dear...

I fail to see what's so funny.

No, I'm laughing because Enrico called me yesterday

and said... I don't know... he was going to spend Sunday with you.

You always go to the beach.

- My dear Count, how's it going? - Carla, dearest...

- Your wife? - Yes, he goes to the beach...

.. but he goes with you. - No, I assure you!

I've no reason to lie to you. It's not true.

Well, that scoundrel comes home to me every Monday with a tan!

He goes to the beach...

.. but he's going with someone else.

But who?

- At least if we knew who... - Yes...

what annoys me is maybe it's some silly girl, an outsider!

A whore, even!

You understand? I am broad-minded...

Of course, so am I.

I understand that one woman isn't enough for a normal man,

that he needs a change occasionally.

Which... is what you're for.

We divided him up so well.

Oh, yes!

A sort of Jules-et-Jim club!

What a great film.

What a clever film.

I made these myself!

Great!

Garlic and oil?

No, he made it, "alla beccacciona".

- Oh, spaghetti! - Thank you.

Serve the others.

Lucky you, being able to eat so much,

and without putting on any weight!

I'm fine like this... and Enrico likes me.

Liked you, dear!

Liked us, dear!

Of course.

I wonder who this new Messalina is?

Rispoli, do you think?

No, she's a redhead. Redheads stink of sheep.

All that's left

at the end of a love story

are sad things

asking my heart

if they can stay with me.

All that's left

of your dreamy eyes

is a sweet tear

on my face

reminding me that...

I'm suffering without you...

All that's left

at the end of a love story...

Here we are! Maria Teresa Mauri. There's the proof.

No, not Mauri, she's a client. No...

But she is very cute.

Eh?

Oh, God, she's got stumpy legs, her back...

laundry hands!

But she is very cute.

No, no, I tell you it's not Mauri. She was here one night at supper,

and she argued with her husband too. You know what he said to her?

- That she's frigid. - Really?

Can you imagine? If Enrico doesn't even look at us,

he'll need more than an ice maiden!

Because she's frigid with one guy doesn't mean she is with them all.

For example, blond men don't do anything for me!

- They just leave me cold! - Here!

This has to be a present from a woman.

Lousy taste, not worth much... See?

- It was a present from me. - Oh... I'm sorry.

Some people like these things.

Listen, does Enrico have a client called Itala?

Itala? Itala...? No, I don't think so.

- Itala who? - Here it just says Itala.

A bit vulgar, I'd say.

"Bought shoes... Still need 200,000.

"See you Sunday, Itala. "

Go to your mum for milk...

Carla, do I look all right? Dressed like this, I mean.

Yeah, you're fine.

Your glasses are a bit last year, you know.

Hmm!

Look! Hurry!

- I'm hurrying! - Before the pig escapes.

I can't open it.

He's not wasting any time, is he?

The pig's locked the door!

- But I've got a good set of feet! - What are you doing?

On you go, shoot! Come on!

Pass! Pass!

Shoot!

Well done, sir!

Still got what it takes!

Yeah! No smoking, no drinking and, above all, no pain-in-the-ass women!

And that final act... Right!

The Maniacs ADVICE

Do you want me to hit the sidewalk?

In the final act, everyone thought they'd stopped,

but at a certain point they started throwing fliers... Watch the road!

- Yes. - And slow down a bit.

- I'll slow down. - Not like that, Paolo!

- What am I supposed to do? - Watch the road, watch it!

- Oh...! - I was saying, at a certain...

- I'm talking to you, you know! - I know.

Well, it's like talking to the wall! Look at me, at least.

If I have to watch the road...!

I was saying, they threw these fliers

with "Down with so-and-so, long live the other" written on them,

all those hoodlums there...

Left, further left!

- I thought they were on the right! - You want to hit the truck?

- Who? - I don't know, I don't know!

So then the lights came up and the police intervened.

Everyone was shouting...

- Moron! Idiot...! - You can see why...

- I'm talking to you! - Me?

- You've got the right of way! - And?

You're the only moron who doesn't use the right of way!

You have to be careful!

You never know, if you met someone distracted by someone's chattering!

- Nice! You mean me? - No, of course not!

Instead of thanking me for telling you where the pole, the pedestrian,

the cyclist is... Oh, this is just too much!

- To cut a long story short... - Well done!

They took those hotheads and threw them out.

All kids of about 20, less maybe... but completely insane!

- What did I do? - Nothing. I don't mean you!

- Damn! - The play started again,

and, obviously, there was even more applause.

Noises...

grumbling...

So did they clap or grumble?

The engine's making a noise, can't you hear it?

- Why all this pressure? - Stop!

Ease off on the gas!

But not that much or the engine will cut out!

Left.

- Right. - Yes, right.

- No! - But I'm indicating left!

You should have indicated left and watched the right!

When you indicate right, you always look left! Horn, horn, horn!

- All right! - Indicator off.

- But I'm going right. - Straight on, straight on.

See?

If I weren't here.

Careful.

Right a bit.

A tiny bit to the left, a bit more.

There, that's fine. Fine, fine.

That's good.

Down now.

Right, right, right...

A little to the left...

Down, down, that's it. Very good. Very good.

The Maniacs THE PROTEST

Farewell,

my beautiful lady...

You can't live in this mess.

We can't go on like this in this country.

No, we can't. I have to tell you, my dear Mario...

in bitterness, that the dreams of our youth have been shattered.

We're living in the wrong era under the wrong regime with a wrong idea!

We can't go on.

Italy is a zoo and we're prisoners with no freedom of culture...

of expression, of thought...

I'm scared to think, I'm not able to.

- Do you know why? You know why? - It's awful.

Because he doesn't care.

Of course! We did all he asked!

He's going to lead into trouble.

He's seeing other women.

Women?

Who?

- You know who the latest is? - No.

- You don't know? - Ah, that foreigner!

That's nonsense! That English journalist who interviewed him?

Who, then?

So it's true!

So it's also true that he's digging a tunnel

to go and see her at night? Disgusting!

What a man can be reduced to!

By the way... have you heard the latest joke about him and her?

No, I haven't, but don't make me laugh too much.

I'm missing a tooth, I have to replace it tomorrow.

- Listen to this... - Not too loud, not too loud.

- Right, he... - Companion Taddei!

Companion Taddei... I'm happy to tell you

you won the competition for the prayer to the Duce.

On October 28th, the Duce will see you at Palazzo Venezia.

No...? I won the competition for the prayer to the Duce?

The Duce will receive me at Palazzo Venezia?

You understand? The Duce will receive me?

Listen, will you take me too?

- Where? - To see the Duce.

- I've never seen him. - Of course. We'll go together.

The Duce! Hail!

Hail! Hail!

Hey!

These Americans! You know they give their prisoners chocolate?

Of course I know! I've got a cousin...

he's a prisoner of the Americans, and he wrote to my mother...

they give him whisky, vitamins, they give him pajamas... understand?

But look at us. A Mickey Mouse army! God, it's awful!

- Boots falling to pieces. - Type 91 rifles.

This war was lost from the start.

I think it's the generals' fault and the little guy above all!

- What little guy? - His Majesty!

The king? He's fine, from a good family, lives in a palace...

It's us, nobody's children, who are fighting, understand?

I'll tell you something, I'm ashamed to be taking part in this war!

I'm ashamed to fight, I'm ashamed to be Italian, understand?

The first American I see, I'm surrendering!

What do I care about the fatherland, the king and the war?

Me too! Oh, did you heard the latest one about Badoglio and the king?

No, but don't make me laugh too much.

I'll feel it here, I'm missing a tooth, I have to replace it tomorrow.

Listen to this... Badoglio goes to His Majesty...

Damn it!

These Americans!

Look, there's at least 500 of them!

There's at least a thousand! It's a division!

Hey, there are tanks as well!

Mother of God!

All this for two losers like us!

- Boots falling to pieces. - Type 91 rifles.

Pasquale...

Mario!

Forward Italy!

No, no, no...

we can't go on like this, you can't live in this country any more.

This Government has lost the plot, that's how it is.

And now with this centre-left Government,

we're in a right pickle, you understand?

Inflation is rising, cars are more expensive...

if you have a piece of land, they expropriate it.

The economic miracle has vanished with this centre-left Government...

and we pay taxes, understand? Taxes, taxes, taxes!

Have you seen these new 10,000-lire banknotes?

With those two medieval losers, those tramps!

They look like two escaped convicts!

- It's mad! - Counterfeit money!

- Where does our real money go? - They steak it!

They steak it to finance the political parties!

Where do these billions of lira go?

They're thieves, that's it.

We pay for 14 parties, we pay for them!

- Us, us, us! - Our money! But I'm not stupid!

I'm going, I'm going to Switzerland, I'm going to get Swiss citizenship.

- Me too! - I've had enough of Italy!

I don't care about Italy or this Government! I'm going.

Speaking of the Government, did you hear the latest on Moro?

No, but don't make me laugh. I'm missing a tooth.

- And you're replacing it tomorrow? - No, I'm not, or they'd tax it!

Moro goes to Nenni with a bunch of broad beans...

SIGN UP FOR NATIONAL BONDS HELP THE GOVERNMENT

The Maniacs THE ANTIQUE

Are you sure this is the right road?

It's on the map, Convent of Saint Theodosius.

Maybe with this rain we should go back.

It's best this way, there's nobody else on the road.

Remember when we found the old door, it was snowing,

when we found the rocking chair, it was windy,

when we found those Aztec things, it was 50 in the shade.

And this convent isn't famous?

It's not virgin land, even the Bartignani know it.

You're the antique queen, I'm here to pay! "How much? Tell me!"

Oh, Lord, I feel we're going to find something good today. Turn right.

That's nice! A bell with a rope, it would be good at our villa.

- Good morning, Father. - Good morning, my children.

Good morning, Father. We've lost our way, we're not from round here.

- We're tired and hungry. - Come in, my children.

We've just finished eating,

but we always have something in reserve for the lost. Come in.

- Thank you! - How can you say we're hungry?

- I'm still full of devilled chicken. - Come on!

- Look! - What is it?

- The bowls! - Ah, the bowls...

These are genuine antiques.

Goodness, this wood is so smooth!

- If I could only have them! - What would we do with them?

What would we do with them? We'd have a rustic lunch in the garden,

we'd hire a waiter,

dress him in a monk's habit, and we'd be the envy of Florence!

You like the table? It's got holes.

The table? This is a monastery table. I know my stuff.

This is from 1000-1300, no doubt.

Yes, I know, it's not much, but I hope it will ease your hunger anyway.

Devilled chicken!

No, we call it St Francis chicken. Don't you like it?

Oh, Lord, Father, it's lovely, wonderful! It smells lovely.

Why not join us, Father?

I can't, it's our rule.

Listen, Father, don't think I'm being cheeky,

but for a fair offering, obviously, would you let us have some bowls?

And what would you do with them?

Well, we've got china at home,

but we were thinking maybe on Fridays we could eat more frugally like you.

- You have to make an offering. - Tell me how much, I'll pay.

No, it's not possible. And then there's no way to work out a price.

Father, don't you have a mission,

poor people, orphans, that kind of thing?

It's not possible.

- Bowls, bench and table, 200,000? - No, no, no...

- 250,000? - It's not possible.

And then it's old, it's not worth anything.

Exactly, Father! That's the point. We're good Catholics,

we'd like to modernize you a bit, we'd take the old stuff.

You'd like this painting, wouldn't you?

Certainly, but it's a fresco, you can't remove it.

Remember the Paolo Uccello? They didn't want to give us it.

Is there nothing here you're interested in?

See this? This would be cute as a footrest.

Ooh, the chest, it's lovely!

The chest!

My wife is keen on this chest...

If you tell me how much you want... and I'll pay...

Treasure, you can go a bit higher, I know my stuff.

- This is 1200-1400. - Yes.

This chest, tell me what you want, I'll pay.

But it's an absolutely worthless chest.

- Smoke? - Our rule.

- Treasure? - Yes?

Excuse me, Father. My wife is calling...

What now?

Look how sweet this thing is! We could strip it.

- What? - Strip it.

I can feel there's something wonderful underneath.

Is it valuable?

Absolutely, yes, this is 1300-1500 without any doubt.

Father...

can we add this piece to the list?

You tell me how much, I'll pay.

But it's a completely worthless wardrobe.

Isn't it signed, Father? I'm sure we'll find a signature somewhere.

You absolutely have to give us this.

My blessed children, what do you want to do? Take everything away?

- See what I'm doing for you? - Shut up!

But we'll pay...

No, I told you earlier, money is of no importance for us.

Don't be offended, Father,

he didn't mean pay, he meant a small offering for the poor.

- All right, what will you have? - Coffee, please.

Ah! The crucifix, the bowls, the wardrobe and the chest.

- Treasure, write a check. - Yes, how much? 200,000?

Oh, 2 million, it's a bargain.

Hurry up, before he changes his mind.

Goodness, I know my stuff. This is such a bargain!

- Here's your check, Father. - Thank you.

- It's too... - Little?

Much!

Well, maybe we could add...

could we add this thing here?

- No, no! - To hold the record-player.

Yes, tell me how much and I'll write another check.

Please, reconsider it, Father.

This is from before 1000.

They're the mortal remains of our founder abbot.

Take it easy with the crucifix, it's for the living room!

Go easy with that chest.

It's important, it's for the dirty laundry.

Dear Father, thank you for everything.

You're welcome.

Goodbye, goodbye, thank you very much.

Thanks to you our poor will have food and shelter this winter.

- No, no, no... - The rule?

No, my ulcer.

That brother was dim. Look at all we got for two million.

The next time we can't complain if they cheat us.

Lucca Furniture Factory?

It's Father Egisto.

Yes, the usual dregs from the warehouse.

Monastery tables, chests, wooden bowls, send me the lot.

We hardly have time to buy new ones and they buy them up again.

I don't know why.

Blessed be his name, my son!

The Maniacs THE SWEAR WORD

Yes?

I'd like to speak to Professor Castelli.

Come in.

Ulisse, take Pier Paolo.

After you.

Come in.

- This way. - Thank you.

Your name?

Baietti, llario Baietti.

I'll find out if he can see you.

Why did you say I was in? What a moron you are!

I was just saying...!

These butlers!

I know this name!

I know it!

How's it going... my dear Barletti?

- Baietti! - How's it going?

What a surprise! You're the very person I wanted to meet!

- Thank you. - What a surprise!

I'm sorry I kept you waiting, but it's a question...

I'm checking the proofs for a book, the publisher's on at me...

Am I disturbing you?

Eh? No, no, my dear.

On the contrary, on the contrary... it's a relief.

I'm going through a bad spell.

You want a laugh?

I haven't got a cent to my name.

I'm sorry! But it's not that I came here to ask you for anything.

- I know, I know, obviously not. - Thank you.

Have a seat, sit down here.

Make yourself at home.

What a long time it's been.

Have you got a...? Do you remember we wrote together on La Fabbrica...?

- Yes, yes. - Exactly.

A modest little paper, but full of ideas, aggression...

you remember?

And that industrialist who sent for us and told us to stop,

he was timid, embarrassed, the king of jams.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge.

Youthful enthusiasm! Precocious frenzy!

The ardor of the early years, my dear!

But...

.. complete nonsense.

Then, luckily, life shapes us differently,

maturity comes...

greater detachment in judgment,

a more objective view of things,

a more rational, concrete conception... that's it...

Art, in other words...

that... measures in intensity...

- Don't you agree? - Yes, yes, of course.

Well...

Our dear...

I kept an eye on you, you know?

I read... I read all your...

poems...

I've never written poetry.

See? It's a bad time for me... My head's a mess.

No, it was Carlo Mariani, the moron, who sent me...

No, I read that thing of yours...

Perhaps you mean my essays on the responsibilities

of the Italian middle classes in the '20s?

There! Very good, you know?

Very good. Perhaps...

the occasional rhetorical passage...

But a rock-steady discourse, well done, very good...

I daren't have hoped you'd read my book.

How could you think such a thing?

This is all very encouraging. I'm a bit embarrassed.

I'd like you to read this manuscript of mine.

No, on you go. This is why I came, if you have some time.

- Is it something of your own? - Without blowing my own trumpet.

- It's very important for me. - OK.

The Mountains Of Cyrano. Title?

The Mountains Of Cyrano.

- Yes, I mean... - The Mountains Of Cyrano.

The Resistance, I imagine?

Yes, the Resistance in the Tuscany-Emilia Apennines.

Don't say anything, don't say anything. I can imagine.

- This Marco dies at the end? - Yes.

How? How do you...?

He dies helping a peasant family during a roundup.

He's got a lover, though, hasn't he?

Yes and no. He's in love with Gianna, who's the dispatch rider.

- But they go to bed together? - No, they don't.

Get them into bed, otherwise what's the point?

I wanted a pure love in this atmosphere of hatred...

What do you care? Don't pass the fatherland off as platonic love!

Love is love, my dear!

Sex, violence...

.. the libido...

Listen, listen...

"Marco and Gianna were alone in the shelter... " All right.

"'I can sleep outside if you like,' he said. " This already...

"'No, dear, stay. I'm happier with you here. '

"Marco lay her down on the bed of dried leaves

"and covered her with his coat.

"'Good night, dear... "' Good night! What is this?

You've got them on their own in the shelter? Great!

The man throws himself at the woman, they struggle,

he rips her blouse off,

her swollen breasts burst out in their uncontrolled sexuality...

and then... And, at the same time, Marco is the lover of this Panther...

Panther? But Panther is the commander of the other brigade,

a former navy officer, a serious person!

And?

In fact, in fact...

Better that way!

I can see the scene already.

The same shelter, the same bed of dried leaves...

the two men clutching each other...

Maybe you can hear gunfire from the plain, distant cries...

- And in the moment that... - In the moment...?

Yes, in the moment... I don't know, put in 3 verses of a mountain song...

- Because, my dear Palletti... - Baietti.

Baietti, let's agree about one thing.

Art isn't the supine representation of reality.

It's an avalanche,

that penetrates, upsets, jolts! The society that surrounds us

has to be destroyed from within, dug out without pity!

- Yes, but in practice... - In practice, in practice...

Take me, for example. Why do I try to live this life that I hate,

the life of the fat, rich middle classes?

Because only like that, living inside it, can I destroy it!

In fact... I'm writing two books now that...

You'll see! And the more I destroy it, the more it pays me!

See that Flemish painting, for example?

That's from that novel of mine that upset the critics and public,

Phaedra At 60...

Remember there's that famous scene with the husband who enters,

catching his wife in bed with their son,

and he bursts out with that pained shout

that has become a pillar of contemporary literature,

"Fuck the lot of you!"

Good morning, Dad.

- Good morning, Dad! - Oh, my children.

How are you? Have you finished studying?

Ah, I see you're dressed to go out. Very good.

Well, my friend, this hat? Keep an eye on them now.

- Yes, sir. - Very good.

All right, off you go.

- Goodbye, Dad. - Goodbye, my dear.

Goodbye, Dad.

Goodbye. Keep an eye on the little one, Miss.

Understand, my dear Bessetti?

- Baietti. - Baietti, Baietti.

I remember that shout.

And yet, Vestetti, in all modesty,

that shout represented the turning point for a whole literary genre.

Which you launched.

That is down to the kindness of critics.

See that collection of weapons, for example?

Lovely, very.

- Old queer! - I say!

No, no... In one of my short stories,

the girl said it to her boyfriend who respected her.

That short story paid for that collection.

- And the villa? - A Shithole!

- Well, really, I don't think... - No, A Shithole!

That famous play of mine where the wife betrays the husband

in the shithole, translated into 27 languages.

That's it, I destroy and they pay!

Ergo, shithole equals wellbeing.

A Kafkaesque play, they called it,

because the toilet, furnished with 15th-century furniture,

a Renaissance toilet, I'd say it's more Freudian...

Yes, Freud revisited.

This garden is wonderful.

- A big pile of shit. - Another play?

No, the garden, look at the state of it!

These filthy peasants, the more you pay them, the less they work!

The lash, that's what's needed, the lash!

Say, what's that copse down there?

- The pheasant farm. - Eh?

For raising pheasants, from a couple of films based on my work.

Sir.

Excuse me.

Here, I'll take that. Let's go.

- Oh, Eros! - Yes?

- The pheasant for supper tonight. - All right, sir.

On you go.

- Eros is...? - Yes, Venus.

Oh, damn, this evening, the Right Honorable Scialba and his sisters!

Listen, those stories about the pheasants...

- About the pheasant farm? - Yes.

Nothing, stories of mine from my youth.

One was about that slut who falls in love with the homosexual.

So she leaves her pimp

who, because he was in love with a nymphomaniac who didn't want...

- Did you see them? - I don't go to the cinema often.

I've got school during the day, I correct homework in the evening...

the little time I have left I dedicate to writing.

There, write, good man, but write above all aggressively!

Understand? That's what's needed.

Then it's just a question of time, you'll make it too...

- You really think so? - Yes!

Just remember what I've taught you.

The pen has to be aggressive.

The more aggressive it is, the more it destroys society! Understand?

- Yes. - Don't care about...

Sir, Count Bastogi on the phone, I said I didn't know if you were in.

What do you mean? Where am I? Moron! Bastogi? Where am I? I'm here!

I can put up with everything but stupidity...

- Baietti! - Dear Baietti, well done.

You did well to come. Whatever I can do... whenever... for you...

- Thank you. And this? - Keep it, keep it!

But never mind the Resistance, write about sex, violence, real things,

understand? There's no point resisting. Bye, my dear!

Thank you...

.. sir.

"So... the German commander called for the young man, who was still tied up,

"and shouted, 'Leave us alone!' The Fascists left...

".. closed the door...

"and after a moment a cry was heard, 'Faggot!"'

But... honey, I don't recognize you any more!

And in front of the baby!

Well... it's time he learned as well.

I refuse to go on like this!

The German command that becomes a nest of homosexuals...

Well?

- The commander dressing as a woman! - It's logical!

And even an American paratrooper who has a sex change!

It's normal, it's normal! You don't want to go on?

- No! - I'll go on on my own.

You dirty pig! Come on, love, let's go in here and not listen to this!

Listen...

Chapter 4.

"'Big slut!'

"The password rang out in the night and faded away. "

Please, let's not go off at a tangent.

The literary critics gathered here

have to express their opinion on the work of the writer llario Baietti,

because then we have to make the request to the Ministry.

One moment, excuse me.

The discussion has to be held on an ethical level.

- Let's ask Castelli. - All right, ask Castelli.

- Were you saying something? - No, no, I mean...

if you want to talk rhetorically, fine. Do we want to talk about art?

That's why we're here.

In that case, leave this book here...

otherwise we'd have to talk about pornography!

Who is this llario Baietti trying to charm with his trivial coarseness,

with his execrable obscenities?

Me?

Not me!

Because I'll unmask Baietti the writer and reveal him for what he is!

A pig!

A pornographer, a little pervert only interested in making money!

So...

.. so...

in my role as he who marked the turning point

of contemporary Italian literature,

I'm forced to ask that this publication be cancelled...

.. morally and materially!

Excuse me... excuse me...

Baietti would like to say something.

Let's listen to him.

Excuse me, I'd like to say something as well...

Yes, I know, I had the audacity to overstretch myself,

and I regret that,

but to my illustrious colleague who reached the turning point first

with that famous phrase, the first in our contemporary literature...

I'd like to say...

with all my heart to him and all of you...

this last phrase...

get to fu...!

The Maniacs THE STRIP-TEASE

CENSORED

The Maniacs THE INTERVIEWS

The Right Honorable Micozzi returned from an official mission to Paris.

Sir, can you tell us what measures the Government has adopted

as regards the banana scandal?

We have arranged to nominate a commission

that, with the requisite energy and appropriate promptness,

will shed full light on these regrettable incidents

within the framework of a greater and higher ideal of justice.

- Sir! - Sir!

The Right Honorable Micozzi has just arrived.

Excuse me, sir, can you tell us what measures the Government has adopted

as regards the flour scandal?

We have arranged to nominate a commission

that, with the requisite energy and appropriate promptness,

will shed full light on these regrettable incidents

within the framework of a greater and higher ideal of justice.

Bring the dolly forward.

Ten seconds.

Raise the camera, more, more.

Start raising it.

- Up. - Five seconds.

Let's hear what the Right Honorable Micozzi has to say.

Excuse me, sir, can you tell us what measures the Government has adopted

as regards the social work scandal?

We have arranged to nominate a commission

that, with the requisite energy and appropriate promptness,

will shed full light on these regrettable incidents

within the framework of a greater and higher ideal of justice.

Right Honorable Micozzi,

can you tell us what measures the Government has taken

with regard to the cases of corruption

uncovered in the very commissions the Government set up

to shed light on the recent scandals?

We have arranged to nominate a sub commission

that, with the requisite energy and appropriate promptness,

will seek to investigate the commissions we'd set up to...

Bastard!

The Maniacs HITCHHIKING

- You want to get in, kid? - You mean it?

- Get in, get in. - Thank you.

Oh, excuse me.

I was lucky to meet you.

It's nothing.

- Too hard? - Of course not, don't worry.

Well, where are you off to?

I'm heading north...

to find work.

I've got two brothers and two sisters.

I come from Acitrezza.

I did a bit by coach, a bit by train,

I got as far as Naples...

.. and then the money ran out.

I understand.

'Poor guy.

'But I ask you, is it possible there are still people in Italy today

'who emigrate like this? They go about like animals.

'Poor guy.

'I want to do something for him, I have to do something. '

- Do you smoke? - Pardon?

Sometimes. My lungs aren't the healthiest.

An occasional cigarette won't hurt me.

Here you are.

Thank you very much.

'He really is a nice man.

'If they're all like him up north, I'll be sorted out in no time...

'.. but he reminds me of someone.

'Of course! He looks just like Baron Mancuso!

'He's another great man. '

What? The lighter!

I threw it out the window, it was done.

- What do you mean, "done"? - Was it still good?

Oh, I'm so careless.

- Brake, brake! - What are you saying?

Brake, and we'll look for it and find it.

Find it, sure! I'm in a hurry, I have to be in Monza at 6, understand?

I'm sorry.

I've never seen this kind of car before.

Don't worry about such a silly little thing. Forget it.

'This southern bumpkin! 10,000 lira that lighter cost me!

'Ignoramus! 10,000 lira he chucks out the window!

'Why did I stop, I ask you, why?

'Look at him there! He doesn't give a damn!

'But it's not his fault. It's the Government's fault.

'Illiteracy, depressed areas... '

'He's not even annoyed. He really is nice, a gentleman,

'the spitting image of Baron Mancuso. '

'Hey, a cough as well!

'Of course, his lungs aren't good. And what I catch something?

'You should never pick up strangers, you should ignore them,

'head straight on and not worry about anyone,

'because you never know who you might run into. A thief, maybe...

'Oh, God, my wallet in my jacket!

'This guy pretended not to look, but he saw it, he looked at it!

'He doesn't look like a crook,

'but what's the saying? Opportunity makes a thief.

'I'm tempted to put it on... or maybe I shouldn't.

'He might understand, and then he'd be offended. '

A bit of music?

'But he's a strange one...

'too strange.

'He moves about all the time, he smiles, he puts music on...

'he smiles again...

'like Baron Mancuso... who was a bit ambiguous.

'Very ambiguous.

'That time I found myself in the countryside and he said to me,

"'You're not made to work the earth! You're too handsome.

"'Come to my house. I'II let you have a nice bath,

"'I'll give you a nice suit... "'

No!

Oh, excuse me...

I was dreaming, it was a nightmare.

Please, excuse me.

Sure... it happens.

Hear that? Paul Anka.

Not bad, isn't it?

'One thing's for sure, he stinks, stinks like a goat!

'The car's going to be infested.

'We need a bit of scent or I'm going to faint. '

I'm a bit tired, you know.

'He uses perfume!

'Like a lady of the night!

'Baron Mancuso was the same, always perfumed he was. '

'Even the scent's not enough.

'Can you imagine? From Naples to here without washing his feet. Filthy!'

'He's looking at my legs! Well, it's true, then.

'He's just like Baron Mancuso, he was ambiguous as well.

'And he likes Paul Anka. And I look like him. I'm too handsome.

'Mum was right. I should try to be uglier. '

'What now? Why's he looking at me like that?

'Goodness, what a low forehead!

'And hairy ears, like all delinquents.

'He hates me, I'm sure. The hatred of the poor for the rich.

'He hates me because I've got a car and he has to walk.

'What do you want from me, bumpkin? I work, I earned the car!

'I'm not a thief like you, what do you think?'

- It's a dead loss. - What's that?

This car's worth nothing. It's not even mine, it's the company's.

I've got a Vespa.

'What do I care?'

Speaking of the company, if you're looking for a job, I can help,

if you come to Monza with me. I'll speak to the boss.

Maybe you could have a bath first, the road's a bit dirty...

If you don't have a decent suit, I could lend you something.

'He's ambiguous just like Baron Mancuso!

'The suit, the bath in his house,

'but if he lays a finger on me I'll kill him!

'I'm a naive and unspoiled young man.

'I haven't even committed impure acts with females. '

'Come on! Not even the promise of a job has any effect on him.

'Sure, what does he care about a job?

'He earns more with thieving, stealing from drivers...

'Some fool gives him a lift and he leaps at their throat.

'I'll smash your skull in, you dirty stinking thief!

'Just try to make a move. Where did I put the spanner? There.

'Let's hope he doesn't see me. '

'He's got a tool, he's got a tool in his hand!

'So he's a sadistic killer!

'He wants to stun me, the dirty northerner wants to take me by force!

'But I'II let him see I'm armed,

'so he'll get a fright, and if he moves, I'll disembowel him!'

Would you like a bit?

'The knife!

'The blade!

'It's come to this! O, Mother of God, what will I do?

'I don't want to die, I don't! I'll try now. I'll try!

'Help me, Saint Ambrose!'

Murderer!

Murderer!

The Maniacs THE BILL OF EXCHANGE

Roma and Genoa are playing at the Olympic Stadium. It's 0-0,

17 minutes into the second half.

Roma pushing forward with a pass, blocked by the keeper.

Roma going forward, Formani with his left!

18th minute of the second half, Roma take the lead.

They didn't repair the television properly. I'm seeing double.

There are 44 players and 2 referees! They score two at a time!

The Bonfantis bought a really good one with a remote control.

- Yeah, but he's a thief. - He does the same job as you.

And they've moved house. They've got a wonderful fitted carpet,

air conditioning, and a German washing machine.

- I can't tell you what they've got! - What do you want to do?

What do you mean? You're the one who's lacking courage.

- What's it got to do with me? - There's inflation now.

- Money's not worth anything. - Shut up!

- You need to get into debt. - What?

- Yes, debt! - Get lost!

You have to have courage.

I can't be embarrassed in front of the Bonfantis!

Of course not!

Yes, do you know what they said the other night at the Capitanis' party?

Yeah, yeah!

That we live like Zulus!

Zulus? Who?

Yes, Zulus, Zulus!

But there's a way to deal with them...

a way that's authorized by the Government.

Sweetheart!

You know the Brugnolis are going to the Costa Azzurra this summer?

Yeah.

And we'll be here like two losers with the air-conditioner.

I know, I know, but Brugnoli's a thief and...

It's not true he's a thief.

It's you who's a bit of a twit.

He's a lot more clever than you.

No, dear...

not bills of exchange...

Oh, yes, look, I brought you a lovely pack of them...

they're all colored...

white, red, green...

Go on, sign them.

On you go, sweetheart.

Yes, dear.

Bye.

Bye.

- Bloody hell! - The ashtray!

- A mink coat! - Calm down!

She got it!

Calm down, everything in its proper time.

But everyone's running and we're walking.

- He's a thief. - What do you think?

The Bonfantis have got a new car as well...

a Ford Town...

and we still have an 1100 from '53!

- It's so embarrassing! - The car!

Do you know where the Brugnolis have moved to?

What do I care about the Brugnolis?

They've moved to the Cassia...

and we're still here with the supermarket downstairs.

What?

More bills of exchange?

Yes, my love, I've found a wonderful bargain on the Aurelia.

Two in cash and thirty to pay up as we go.

As we go? I'm the master of "as we go"!

Come on, sweetheart!

You can't deny a small pleasure to your little pet!

And then Brugnoli will die with rage!

But you're soaking me, you're soaking me!

As we go, big dick!

Your tea, sir.

Hey, who's this?

The Somalian maid.

The Bonfantis have a Spaniard.

She costs 80,000 lira, but she's trustworthy.

I'd hope so for 80,000 lira!

They've also sent the kids to school to Switzerland.

We don't have children. We've got cats.

Do you want to send the cats to school in Switzerland?

This is nothing!

They've bought a motorboat as well.

A motorboat!

This must be the fridge, yes, it's the fridge...

This is the last payment.

And this, on the other hand...

.. this is the castle we bought in '64...

'64 was the year Lazio won the league, yes...

Damn that train. Stop!

It's late as well.

A bit of a cough, eh?

- The Bonfantis... - Bonfanti's a thief.

With their delusions of grandeur...

I want it nicer, I want it nicer, I want it nicer!

Yes, yes, don't worry.

I'll make it nicer.

I've still got some of these bills of exchange left. I'll deal with it.

The Maniacs The last sketch. THE WEEKEND

- I'd like to know what idiot said... - Shhh!

I'd like to know what idiot said a dog's bark is worse than its bite.

The meatball?

It was good, but you're not the greatest cook.

Did you give it to the dog?

No, I ate it! You think I'd give a meatball to the dog?

Idiot! There was a sleeping pill in it.

I'm not complaining about the seasoning... What was in it?

- A sleeping pill. - So I've been poisoned?

- Will it hurt? - Shut up!

Let's get a move on before you fall asleep.

I won't fall asleep. What will we do?

- Steak! - Let's steak! Let's steak!

Let's steak!

Let's steak!

- The light! - Shut up! Shut up!

- They'll hear us. - Open up! Open up!

- What a lot of good stuff! - The sack!

The sack!

Open the sack!

- My hat! - Hurry up!

Into the corridor!

My foot! I hurt my foot!

Incompetent! A good thief has to pick up heavy, valuable stuff!

- Are we safe in this house? - Safe?

These people have Anglo-Saxon habits, they go away Saturday and Sunday.

They go away for the "veekengd".

They go away for Vikings? And if they don't find any?

"Veekengd", English dictionary. Get to it.

A dictionary...

Look at the lovely smile on this handsome fire-brigade corporal.

Look at the lovely medals this handsome corporal has!

I'm more interested in his lovely smile. I like the uniform.

Happy, Corporal?

What's this? Valuable stuff, I said!

Why, is this not valuable? We've never had one at home!

Look how lovely it is! And it's so deep, it's like a mine!

- Who's there? - Shut up! Hide, quickly!

- I'll hide here! - Find somewhere safer!

Ciccio, I'll hide in the kitchen.

- The light! - It was me.

- Are we safe here? - Do you not trust me?

I told you, they're away for the weekend.

And I said I was leaving too.

- Oh, baby! - Be good, Antonio!

Let's do things properly.

- But I'm on fire! - Antonio!

Are you mad?

I'm on fire, I tell you! I can't wait.

Come on, Rosetta, come on!

- Look at this mess! - What do you care? Come here!

I'll get the blame for this.

- You're so lovely! - Damn!

Are you in a hurry? Go into the kitchen and make a sandwich.

- Where's the kitchen? - Through that door. Go! Go!

The mistress says she wants it tidy.

Everything's a mess in here as well!

Rosetta, someone stole my sandwich!

- Your sandwich? - Yeah!

You're mad, you are!

No, Antonio, wait!

I'm a lady's maid.

I'll have a bath first with perfumes and bath salts.

But I want my sandwich!

No, no, Antonio, be good!

Wait for me in my room, go on.

- Where are you? - Rosetta! Rosetta, where are you?

This girl is making me wait so long!

Now I'll get undressed.

Rosetta, what are you doing?

Wait, wait!

I told you to wait in my room, didn't I?

At my age, you start to understand love...

You're killing me, Rosetta!

I'm having a little bath, love!

Goodness me! The mistress!

What will I do now?

She'll send me home naked! What will I do?

There! They always leave the lights on in my house!

Thank you, Rosalie, thank you!

Thank you for having trusted me.

My glasses! I can't see anything without them!

Oh, yes, sorry. Sorry, dear. Sorry.

This way.

- Hands off! - Hands off.

I know you Italians, all passion and cocky!

Not all of us. Please, this way.

Just time for a drink.

And if your wife comes back?

She won't. She's away on holiday and so are the servants.

We're all alone, Rosalie! Alone!

What's going on? What is that noise?

They left the water running in the bathroom!

This is insane!

Insane!

A full bath!

Just as well I got here in time. The American!

But...

There's a mouse here! Watch out, mouse, I'll catch you!

- Rosetta, love! - Leave the light off.

The light can be seen from the stairs. The concierge is very nosy.

Keep your hands to yourself! The one time I wanted to do it properly...

Always the same thing!

Ciccio?

Ciccio...?

- Ciccio? - I'm here.

- Where are you? - Here, safe. Where are you going?

This way, dear. I'll show you the whole house, darling.

It's a delightful little nest, small but lovely. Don't be scared.

This way, here.

See? Nothing to be scared of.

Wait a moment.

- A little kiss? - No!

- Don't be scared, darling! - No.

- Come on, dear! - No!

I don't want to, no!

Look, darling, a bit of relaxation will really do you good. Trust me.

You have to trust me, don't you?

And now you have to lie down like a good girl

and I'II lie down beside you. I won't even touch you!

- You swear? - Oh, I do, really.

There. Lie down, dear. Gently, gently.

Dear...

- No! - Trust me, dear!

- Trust me, I told you to trust me! - Leave me alone!

Don't press the button, leave the bed down!

A bit of relaxation will do you good. Relax like a good little girl!

Lie down on the bed here, I'll be good beside you.

A bit of freedom now, eh?

Take the little blouse off, eh? Take it off.

That little blouse...

Yes...

No, not that!

You don't want to relax! You Italians always think of the same thing!

No, not me, all I'm thinking of is your relaxation, yes, dear!

Oh, my glasses! Help!

- Where are your glasses? - I can't see! I'm blind!

Rosalie, come here! Rosalie, where are you going?

Where are you going? Come back here, please, Rosalie!

- Well done, you put the light out! - No!

Come here, darling!

Rosetta, at last... you're naked!

Oh, you're so soft, so beautiful!

Take your shirt off!

Hey!

What are you doing dressed like that? Lose it! You want to ruin yourself?

It's military, you'd be jailed! Let's go!

Where?

Quick, in there!

- No, I'm not going back in there! - The wardrobe.

But... where's the door?

Busy!

- What are you doing? - I'm doing a traffic map.

No entry to the bathroom.

In the bedroom, roundabout so as not to have to go up and down.

- No through road in the girl�s room. - Why?

Because if you stop in there, you're doomed! The army's in there!

- The door! - Rosetta!

Leave me alone! Brute!

Villain!

You're wearing a slip!

- Rosetta! - Sir?

What are you doing here?

The same thing you're trying to do!

Except nothing seems to be happening here today!

And I'm not here on my own, sir, just like you!

All right, all right, I'll send mine away. And remember...

lips sealed with the wife!

- Don't do that, darling, don't! - Go away!

I'm sorry, darling. Perhaps I was a bit too pushy.

- A bit? - A bit, yes.

I'll go and get your clothes now. Calm down, your clothes. Clothes...

- Hey, you! - Yes, Colonel?

- Get away, get away! - Yes, sir.

Her clothes!

Here are your clothes.

Go away!

I'll go and get you a glass of water.

You Italians! You're all lechers!

Not all of us, not all of us. Water!

Another one?

Go away, go away! Away! Away!

And that's two!

Here you are, dear.

Here's the glass, drink, drink.

It'll be good for you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

What a disgrace!

Calm down, dear, calm down now.

I'll go and get your glasses. Be good, be a good girl.

Another one! And that's three!

- Get out of here, out of here! - Where can I go? Are you mad?

I'm not leaving here in my underwear! I'm embarrassed!

Wait! Wait!

I'm a good boy! Let's not play games!

No, I'm lending you my trousers. You hurry off...

- You're lending me them? - Lend me the jacket as well.

- No! - I've never had an English jacket.

Her glasses.

Here are your glasses.

There, dear.

See? Not all Italians are rascals. You were wrong.

- I was wrong? - Yes, you were wrong.

- Your underwear! - Ah, yes, I can explain...

Take that, you dirty old man! AII Italians are dirty old men!

It's all been a misunderstanding, dear!

Sir, what's buzzing round your head, that I'm foreign?

Exactly! What do I care about foreigners?

Three men, three men at a time! Messalina!

Long live Italy! Long live Ciociaria!

- But I say, are we...? - Shh!

But I say, are we sure this job will go well for us?

Absolutely. I've been casing it for months.

If it works, we're sorted for six or seven years.

Keep a lookout.

- Come on. - I'll go in.

- Let's go in. - Yes.

Come on.

POLICE STATION

translation: moosesubtitling subtitles: Stadion Video, Rome

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