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Okay, Mr. Martin. Are you ready?
Yeah, I think so.

- I feel funny, so yeah, I think I'm ready.
Good.

And I'm, not... There's no chance
of, like, electrocution or, uh,

brain damage or anything?

Oh!

No. No, not anymore.

- Just try to focus your mind, please.
Okay.

System fully booted.
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Seven seconds.
How's the visual cortex?

We did not get color.

Okay.
It's all right. Let's initiate.

Mr. Martin, when you're ready.

- Okay.

Comedy.

Get into a comedy state of mind.

Picture a theater.

Doesn't have to be a big one.

You're in the theater.

Not in the seats.

You're onstage.

Okay, the stage is set.

Pretty standard.
You've got curtain, lights.

You have all the things you need
to do a comedy show.

Looks clean.

All right, and... you come out.

Not like that.

No. Oh, ju... Ah...

You come out.

That's worse.

You don't... You don't enter.
You're already onstage.

No, you're not just
standing there like that, waiting.

You're onstage, but it's a black screen.

They can't see you yet.

- Yes, the show's already started.

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

And then we come in...

I appreciate that.

Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say,
I feel like I have the best fans.

Um, very grateful
for the fans I've had over the years

who've stuck with me
and seen the shows I've done

and everything.

And one thing I'll say is

I think what's so cool about my fans
is they're very...

- very subtle, very cool...

...very respectful.

Like, you know, I'll be out,
like, at a farmers' market,

you know, and, um, no one will...

...come up to me, or... or...

or bother me, or even look at me,
you know what I mean? It's just, like...

And I'll even go up to people
and talk to them and engage them,

and they'll be like, "Yeah, who are you?"
And I'm like...

"Thank you," you know?
"I appreciate that."

And they're like, "Sure. Whatever."

So, you know, very cool.

I have noticed that if you're a fan
of somebody, you can say you're a fan,

a big fan, a huge fan,

their biggest fan.

I feel like you can go regular size and up
for fan size.

That's fine,
but if you go smaller than regular size,

it gets weird really fast, you know?

If I see a musician
in the airport that I like, I'm like,

"Sorry to bother you.
I am a tiny fan of your music."

"What's that?" "Yeah, I like the chorus
in one of your songs,

but the rest of it's not really for me.
You know, keep trying."

"Anyway, I'm your smallest fan.
Thank you. Tiny fan."

Some fans are kinda weird.
I've definitely had,

um, aggression from certain fans.

Like, um, I got an email from a woman.

She said...

- I was like...

"Threaten me into coming to Seattle?
That's kinda weird."

If you wanna bump up a threat,
you just turn it into a promise.

For some reason,
that will escalate the threat.

You know, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Oh, is that a threat?"
"No, that's a promise."

"Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh."

"This guy's reliable. That's scary."

It doesn't work the other way.

You can't downgrade a promise
by turning it into a threat.

"I'm gonna take out the garbage."
"Is that a promise?"

-"No, that's a threat, sweetie."

"You better watch your ass.
I might clean the kitchen too."

I make a lotta threats
in my house.

With broccoli, I wonder if God
was thinking something like,

"How far are they willing to go
in order to eat healthy?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm saying, do you think
they would eat a fart?"

"A fart?" "Yes, I'm gonna do
this vegetable that will release farts."

"When they heat it up,
it will smell like farts."

"The house will smell like
someone went from room to room

just unloading the freshest farts
they could, you know?"

"And I'm gonna make it look like a fart."

"If you hold a piece from the side,
it'll look like, um...

a fart captured in space and time."

"Like a 3D... The floret would be
the cloud of the fart

and the stem would be the shaft."

"It'll be green, and you're like,
'Oh yeah, that's good.'"

"And I'll do a variation
for sort of a high-pitched fart

that's kinda long, you know,
like broccolini."

"It'll be like, 'Brr... Pfft!"

"Very nice, yeah."

Horses have mullets.

I just realized that recently.
I didn't know horses...

Those are mullets. It's a very long mullet
on the horse, you know?

Makes a lot of sense. Horses,
you know, they're country folk really.

Not the most educated animal,
I'd say, the horse. It's kinda...

Plus, with those teeth, I do think
it goes together, the hair and the teeth.

People have told me to hold my horses
so many times in my life.

And not once
have they later had the courtesy

to say, "Hey, by the way,

you can release your horses. It's cool."

I'm holding hundreds of horses

through my life, you know?

Please, let me release...

I think that concludes
the horse portion of my show for tonight.

So yeah.

Thank you.

I wonder if leopards look trashy
to other animals.

"Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?"

"Okay..."

"Head to toe, that's..."

"Pretty bold there."

"That's a classy cat,
the leopard, for sure."

My friends, uh, they told me
they were gonna adopt a dog.

I'm happy for them.
I was like, "That's great, you guys,

and I think adoption
is your best strategy."

"I think that's a good way to do it.

"I think anything else
gets strange, yeah."

"We're gonna get a surrogate."

"No, no, no. Just... You should adopt."

Whether you're dog person or a cat person,

I think we can all agree

that your house smells.

And you don't realize it. That's...

That's the smell of love, I think.

Meow.
- Yeah.

Okay.
Her house definitely smells.

Anyway, stay focused.

Sometimes when I go to a store
and I go to pay,

I have all my stuff out,

and then the cashier
in, like, a very condescending tone

will just look at my stuff and go,
"Is that it?"

Like they're not impressed
with what I picked, you know?

That's why now, I usually just
save something in my back pocket.

Then they say, "Is that it?"

And I go, "No, actually, that's not it."

"Gum!"

"That's it, baby."

"I'm sorry, wait a minute.
That's not it. What's this?"

"Triple A batteries."

"That hurt my ankle,
but I think that might've been... worth it."

"I'm sorry, hold on for a second."
And I just keep pulling stuff out.

Just, like, five minutes later,
there's just a pile of "it."

Cashier's like, "Hey,
I'm at register four, and, um...

there's an idiot up here,
and I'm not sure what to do."

"It's never it for this guy.
I've never seen anything like this."

I'd finish paying, then leave the store.
Fifteen minutes later, I'd call back.

"Can I talk to the cashier
at register four, please? Thank you."

"Hey, it's me."

"Can you do me a favor
and check your back left pocket?"

"That's it."

I like to shoplift, but I don't
leave the store with the stuff.

You still get the high,
but you don't get in trouble.

Just take shit, put it in my pockets.

Just look at 'em, make eye contact.

Keep taking shit. Just sneak around.

Just look at 'em right in the eye
as you put stuff in your pockets.

Then I put everything back
where I got it from.

Then I'm like...

"You got nothing, man.
That's shopshifting. I can do that."

"I'm just moving stuff
around the store in a sneaky way."

"I'm a shopshifter."

I like to get a gift receipt sometimes
for something stupid.

I'll be buying toothpaste and be like,
"I'm sorry. Oh!"

"Could I get a gift receipt
for that toothpaste? That'd be fantastic."

I love shopping for toothpaste.

Toothpaste is one
of the funniest things to buy.

You go in the toothpaste aisle,

and you enter
some sort of adjectives arms race.

There's sensitive formula,

there's gum health,
there's whitening, there's tartar control.

It's like, at this point,
if I had a toothpaste company,

I would just put any adjectives on there.

What's the difference? You know?

Be like, "Crest, atheist formula."

"What does this do?"

"Extra strength? Shit!"

What?

"Gonna gentrify my mouth?"

"Kinda weird."

I still like paying with cash for stuff.

It's... It's liberating.

"Here's the money."

Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill.
That's kind of exciting.

Except for when I pay with a hundred,
now I'm under investigation.

I give 'em the hundred,
and they're just like...

Take out this marker
like they're gonna catch a counterfeiter.

Yeah, that's what I'm counterfeiting.

When they do that,
I just go, "Never mind! Thanks!"

"You want a counterfeiter.
There, you've got one. Okay?"

Counterfeiting's kinda fascinating

because that's a crime
that seems to require talent

to even count as a crime.

Don't you have to be good enough
at counterfeiting to get arrested for it?

I mean, what's the shittiest job
at counterfeiting I can do,

and I go to jail?

If I take a piece of paper
and I just write $100 on it,

go to the store,
pick out a bunch of stuff.

Then I go to pay.
They ring me up. I'm like, "Here you go."

I mean, do they have to go, "Okay..."

Like, do the whole thing?
You know what I mean?

Maybe there's a manual
for when they're in that situation.

They have to look, the cashiers.
"Okay, just ask this question."

"Okay, sir, I just have to ask you
this one question legally

before I ring you up."

"Um, do you think that I think
that this is a hundred-dollar bill?"

"Ah, yeah. Good question."

"Do you think that I think

that you think it's a hundred-dollar bill?
I'm just curious. Before I say my thing."

"Um..."

"Uh, hold on."

Then I go back over here,
and I say, "You know what? Never mind."

"I'll pay another way."
Just give me back my hundred. Um..."

"I'm gonna pay with Bitcoin." "Oh..."

"Here you go."

"Uh, this is just a coin
with the word 'bit' written on it."

"Yeah, I'm doing a bit.
I'm a comedian, so it's..."

"Kinda doing a bit, you know?"

"So it's like a play on words.
Kind of a little prop joke for you."

"You're a comedian?"

"Yeah, I do standup. I'm a standup comic."

"Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or...?"

"No, it's mostly kinda short jokes,
but then I'll have little bits."

"Sometimes a scene or something."

"Oh. Is this one of your jokes?"

"Actually, it is, yeah.
This is a joke I'm gonna do.

"Oh, really? Am I in your joke?"

"You are, yeah.
We're the two people in the joke."

"I'm playing me, and you're the cashier."

"Oh, you do, like, a funny voice
every time I talk?"

"No, that's not really my style.
I don't, um...

change my voice. I just change
which way my head is looking."

"And that indicates who's talking."

"So, this is me." "And this is me."

"Exactly, so they're... It sounded the same,
but, you see, we're different people."

"I think I understand
based on where you're looking."

-"You got it."

"So you don't have an ending
for this joke?"

- Thanks.

I should do something different.

I could have a guest.

I don't usually do this,
but I wanna share the stage with someone.

I have a guest for tonight's show,
so I'm really excited.

I'm gonna bring the guest on right now.
Here we go.

All right, great.

So I'd love to see...
All right. There you are.

So can you check your mic
and just see if they can hear you?

Sure.
Uh, check, check.

Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check.

You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd?

Sure. Um, I'm a demon from the underworld.

So you're, like, a devil from hell?

No, there's only one devil. The devil.

I'm a demon. I work for the devil.

You understand?

Yeah, I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for being here.

Fuck you!

Okay.

So, uh, so you work in hell? That's what
you're saying? You actually work there?

Yeah, that's right. I work in hell.

What kinda job are you doing?

It's an entry-level position.

I just started, so doing a desk job.

Oh, what kind?

Clerical work.
Mostly doing clerical stuff.

I see, and how is that?

It fuckin' sucks!
It's hell. What do you think?

Right, of course. I'm sorry.

So what department are you working in?

I work in processing,

so I help process people
who just got to hell.

New... New arrivals.

Ah, I see.

Are you busy? What's the work like there?

Oh, we're so fucking busy.

It's unbelievable.

The last few years
have been incredible for us.

Did you guys do social media?

Oh yeah, that was us.

Ahh. That makes sense because I'm not good
at social media and stuff, you know,

but when I use it, I always feel
sort of worse afterwards, you know?

Yeah, totally. That's the idea.

It's just to make you
a shittier version of yourself,

and to share that with everyone.

Well, yeah, that's cool.
It works, for sure.

So is the idea that you... you're...
you're trying to, uh, sorta... advance

in... in your job?

Will you... Will you move up if you do well?

Uh, move down.

It's the opposite direction
'cause it's hell,

so you go deeper into hell.

I see. So you don't get promoted.

No, you get demoted. You got it.

Okay, cool.

Right now I have a dessert fork.

You have a dessert fork?

Yeah, you start with a dessert fork,
then you get a salad fork,

then a dinner fork, then a serving fork,

and then eventually you get a pitchfork,
if you get demoted far enough.

I see.
- But the dessert fork is good.

You can stab people in the ass with it,
gouge their eye out,

you know, stuff like that.

Oh.

So what kinda... What kinda souls
are you seeing? What kinda people?

Uh, people who clip their nails
on public transit.

You go to hell for that.

- Wow.
- It's fuckin' disgusting.

You don't clip your nails on a bus.
Everybody knows that.

Right, of course.
Who else is going to hell?

Uh, people who park diagonally

and take up two parking spaces
for their precious car.

You go to hell for that, so...

I see.

If you drive a black BMW,
that pretty much does it on its own.

Wow.

Jesus.

People who say "adulting."

Wow. Yeah.

Adult is not a verb.

Welcome to hell, shithead!

People who say, "I don't make the rules."

Uh-huh. I'm with you.

People who get a vest for their dog

just so they can bring it on the plane
and call it a service animal

when we all know it isn't.

You and your dog can go to hell, asshole.

Wow.

Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then?

How do you move down in hell?
Is it a seniority thing?

You have to come up with your own project,

your own original shitty idea
to make the world a worse place.

And then if you do that, you get demoted.

I see. So it's almost like a PhD?

Yeah, it's like a PhD.

You gotta defend your thing
and everything.

So do you have an area,
a project or anything you're working on?

I don't know.
I'm trying to come up with one.

Uh, I was thinking of working
with the airlines, doing something there,

but it's really pecked over. Pretty much
every idea's been taken already.

Fuck yeah, man.

My friend had a great one.

Uh, you know
when you're in the supermarket,

and there's those little produce bags?

Those little plastic bags
that are impossible to open?

Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin' best.

That was my friend's project.

- I hate that.
- Yeah.

You know when you're driving
and you're going straight?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, and you're in the right lane,

and then, all of a sudden,
it turns into a right-turn-only lane?

Oh, I hate that.

Yeah, and now you've gotta cut someone off
to get into the middle lane

just to keep going straight,

which is what you thought
you were doing in the first place,

and now you're an asshole.

- Yeah.
- That's my friend's project.

All right, well, I wish you luck.
I'm gonna get back to the show.

You're on the cusp.

I'm on the cusp? For going to hell?

You're on the cusp for going to hell.

Really?

I'm surprised. I've never... killed anybody

or cheated on anybody.

I don't say "nucular." What have I done
that I'm gonna go to hell for?

When you go bowling,

you wait till the person in the lane
next to you is about to roll their ball,

then you bowl
at the exact same time as that person.

It's kinda funny.

It's not funny. You're being a dick.
It's not synchronized bowling. Cut it out.

Prick.

Anything else?

You watch people parallel park.

That's true, but it's just kinda funny
to stop and look at 'em.

Don't do it, shithead. You move along.

- That it?
- Oh no, you got plenty more.

- I'll just tell you a couple.
- Like what?

When you go to the beach,
you pee in the ocean.

Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean.

Yeah, but you swim
as close to strangers as you can get,

and then you pee.

That's true. That's true.

All right. Is that it?

Well, you also walk
through strangers' photos.

I'm going to hell for photobombing people?

No, not photobombing.

- You walk through their photos.
- I've done it two or three times.

You've done it 247 times.

In my defense, just because you're getting

a picture in front of this fountain
with your friend,

we gotta all now reroute around you
'cause you own the sidewalk?

What makes you so important?

Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep it up.

- But ri--
- Now I have...

What?

- That was weird.
- Yeah, I know.

Just act like it didn't happen.

If you're gonna put this on TV,
you better fuckin' step it up.

I can't argue with you.

I mean, get your shit together, man.

All right. I gotta get back to the show.
Anything else you wanna say?

Yeah, I just want you to know

that even if you think
this bit is working,

you're a shitty ventriloquist at best.

Thanks.

Fuck you. You suck.

All right. Thanks, everybody.
That's the demon.

Yeah.

I went to a website
I hadn't been to in a long time,

and I tried to log in,
and I couldn't figure out my password.

I kept trying it, and I couldn't get it.

And I just thought,

"Man, I'm good."

"Wow."

If I can't figure this out,
I mean, that's...

I'm the top person
who should be able to crack this,

and I can't get it.

The number-one security threat
to my own account.

Thousand Island dressing sounds like
the result of an incredible collaboration.

You have French, Italian...

A thousand islands worked on this one.

And it still tastes like garbage.
That's unbelievable.

Somebody asked me what mansplaining was.
I was like, "Well, it..."

"Nice try!"

"I have no idea. I don't know."

"But I'm willing to listen."

I'll take it. I'll take it.

All right.

Mostly dudes clapping. That's okay.

My friend asked me
if I ever went swimming with dolphins.

I said, "Yeah, definitely."

"What distance are we talking about
from the dolphins?"

"'Cause...

pretty sure I swam with all of 'em
last time I was in the ocean, so..."

Sometimes I wanna
go swimming without dolphins.

I gotta find a swimming pool.

I love pools.

I don't have a pool,
but, you know, a pool is fun.

Except there's one thing I don't like
about swimming in a pool.

It's what happens to the other people
that you go swimming with.

If they get in the pool before you do,

it's like they all suddenly
join this cult,

whose only mission is to get you

to join them...

- ...in the pool.

"Please join us. Just come in the pool."

"Please join us."
"You coming in? You gonna get in?"

"Please join us."
"When are you getting in? Come on."

"Yeah, I'm gonna come in.
I just wanna be ready."

"No, come on."
"Jump in." "Just come in."

"I'm fine. I know how to get in a pool.
Just let me get hot enough. Relax."

Then they start telling me
their personal story, like,

"You know, when I first got in,
I was cold,

but then I, um, put my head under."

"Yeah, I don't give a shit about
your temperature or how it went for you."

"This is not my problem. I'm not you."

"I'm me. I'll come in when I want to."

"Why don't you go
to the other end of the pool

with the other blue-lipped weirdos
in your cult, and just

leave me out of it? I'm fine."

I feel bad for people who can't float.
That must be a bad feeling.

When you're like, "God,
any dead body can do this,

and I can't do this. This..."

That's a confidence killer.

I think you should be able to wear
a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day.

It seems like the perfect cap
for rain, you know?

It's designed for it.
But you definitely can't.

I can't think
of a quicker way to look insane

than to add a shower cap
to whatever outfit you have on.

Hey, to the people
who make scented garbage bags,

you can probably take the fragrance down
like 6000%, and we'd be okay.

Not really sure
who that's designed for, you know?

"Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?"

"Don't worry about it. Just throw it
in the bag. We're cool. We got ya."

"Oh, that'd be great."

"Accidentally take a shit
in your kitchen garbage?"

"That's okay."

"These bags have
industrial-strength lemon scent in them."

"It's... You can smell the bag
from, like, blocks away."

"Don't worry about it. You can...
throw up in there and everything."

"Oh, great. Thank you."

"I have nightmares about that fragrance,
so I appreciate that."

How about a joke that's more topical?

How does that joke go?

It's harder these days to even get
people's attention to let 'em know--

No.

It's hard to get people's attention,
you know? I'm kind of a quieter guy.

That's not right.

It's like you can't
grab people's attention.

Nah.

- It's hard to get people's attention--
- No, forget it.

You know what?

That's an example of a joke
that won't be in this special.

I'll do crowd work.

Where's everybody from?

But this is on TV, so...

Hey. Where you from? What do you do?

Email me.

Globes are cool.

It's nice that you can get a doll
of the entire Earth.

"Hey, look.
I'm gonna play with the whole world."

The LGBTQ community,
that's really interesting

because I think the letter order there
is really important, you know?

Like, the GQ BLT community, um...

that doesn't sound right.

That doesn't have the ring to it
that you want.

"What do we stand for here?
A men's magazine and a sandwich?"

"That's just wrong."

Don't worry, that joke's not offensive.
I checked. It's fine.

Certified.

Some things sound like they make sense,

and then I think about 'em too much,

and it sort of unravels.

When somebody says,

"I wouldn't touch that
with a ten-foot pole,"

I'm like, "I know what that means.
That makes sense."

But then I thought about it too much
and I reversed it,

and then it didn't make sense.

The opposite would be,

"I would touch that with a ten-foot pole."

"You... You would touch that
with a ten-foot pole?"

"I would definitely touch that
with a ten-foot pole, for sure."

"Okay, 'cause that's not that different

than not touching it
with a ten-foot pole."

"No, no, no. It is different."

"I'm saying I would touch it
with a ten-foot pole."

"I would poke it
and sort of make contact with it,

and I'm touching the pole, so..."

"Yeah, but you're ten feet away.
You're not touching it. The pole is."

"Once you've introduced a ten-foot pole,
we know you're not touching it."

"Okay, well, how about this?"

"I would touch it, pause,
with a ten-foot pole."

-"What does 'pause' mean?"
-"It means that they're two thoughts."

"I would touch it. Also, you know,
I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me."

"Are you a pole-vaulter,
walking around, and you touch stuff?"

"Yeah, sure."
"That's not what you said earlier."

"You talked about poking it."

"With. I'm saying
I have a ten-foot pole with me."

"You know, I've got a ten-foot pole,
and also, I'd touch it."

"You're not touching it.
You're at least ten feet away."

"If your arm's out, almost--"

"But I'm just saying I would touch it."

"No, that's not what you meant."

"You meant using the pole to touch it."

"With a pole.
I have a pole with me, and I'd touch it."

-"Poking it with the pole."
- "No, I'm saying it's in my presence."

"No, be honest."

"Fuck you.
I don't wanna be roommates anymore."

I do ask myself
a lotta questions.

Why do I do that?

And why the follow-up question?

Am I the only one who does that?

So many questions.

So many mysteries.

So much unknown.

Mysteries of the Unknown.

A man...

...decides he wants to get a drink.

He finds a pub, and he enters.

He walks up to the bar,

when suddenly, he discovers...

- ...he is invisible to bartenders.

Despite doing comedy for over 20 years.

Motherfucker.

Chicken nuggets have enjoyed
wide popularity for decades.

Yet for some unknown reason,

beef nuggets have never caught on.

Why? Why? Why?

Beef... beef... beef.

Nuggets... nuggets. Delicious.

How long did it take
to make the first clock?

No one will ever know.

A boy displays unusual aptitude
in grade school.

He gets straight As through high school.

He's admitted to Harvard University,
where he studies for four years.

He graduates with honors,

but then, shortly after graduating,

he is struck with a strange affliction

that forces him to mention
that he went to Harvard

every day for the rest
of his fucking life.

Life... life... life.

Nuggets... nuggets... nuggets.

Harvard... Harvard... Harvard.

You can say "vice-versa,"
but you can't say "versa-vice."

Of all sayings,
that one should be switchable.

Switchable... switchable... switchable.

People hate traffic,
yet they love parades.

It's the same... same... same.

A woman has a fascinating dream,

yet, the next day,
when she tells her friend about it,

it is unbearably boring.

Why? Why? Why?

Dream... dream...

Harvard... Harvard...

A boy plays tic-tac-toe.

At the very same moment
on the other side of the world,

while eating a Tic Tac,

another boy stubs his toe.

Uh-oh... uh-oh... uh-oh...

A comedian

on his flight

to go film his special

thinks of a brilliant
tic-tac-toe-based joke.

Yet when he tells it to the crowd,
he is met with silence.

- What...

Oh.

Nuggets... nuggets...

Beef... beef...

Harvard... Harvard...

A man gets into an argument with his wife.

In the middle of the argument,
he asks, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replies.

Then, three weeks later,

in the middle
of a completely different argument,

she suddenly recalls in vivid detail

exactly what was wrong
three weeks earlier.

Stunned, the man boards a plane
to go shoot his special.

Mysteries of the Unknown.

All right, I'm back. Whoa. Whoa.

That seltzer thing.
- What was I gonna say?

- Thoughts. Um...
- Yeah, he farts.

Uh, focus.

Whoa. Okay. What was that?

Anyway, where was I?

Um...

- Asking myself questions...

Oh. I should do more jokes.
What about something random?

The word random
is interesting.

- Cool because why...
- Because why that word?

Why those letters, you know?

It's so itself.

I went to a restaurant
that was farm to table to toilet.

Little too farm fresh for me.

We're so fragile as people, aren't we?
It's...

It's crazy. You know, you...

you can get killed with a pillow.

It's crazy that you can kill someone
with a pillow.

I mean, that's fragile.
You know, like, the order's so important.

Uh, bed, pillow, head.

You rest. That's great.

Bed, head, pillow.

You're dead.

What a shitty way to go.
"I got the order wrong, and I died!"

I was wondering the other day
if I've ever seen a horse horsing--

I don't know why,

but I find it a lot easier
to hate a stranger than love a stranger.

I know that sounds weird to say,
but I'll be in line at CVS or something.

I'll be behind some guy, and I'll be like,

"I hate this guy."

"I hate him."

I haven't even seen the front of him,
I'm like, "I've seen enough. I hate him."

What is that? What's my problem?

I don't know what that is
about human nature.

Um, if there's one thing
I would say about everybody,

there's a selfishness, I think,
to human beings

that we just all sort of have,
just built in there.

The fact that community service
is a punishment in our society,

it's a pretty good sign, you know,
to be like,

just under prison,
you get community service.

How badly did you fuck up
that you have to help the community?

"You piece of shit! What did you do?"

"For 30 hours in the next calendar year,
you have to help the community? Wow!"

"Glad I'm not you.
I bet you learned your lesson, man."

"Yeah, I tried to get prison,
but no, they're gonna make me help."

Strobe lights cause seizures
in some people.

And we still have strobe lights.

How did that work out?

I know you might die,
but these guidos need to party, so...

Sorry you might, uh, choke to death,
but this guy needs to look cool

when he's doing the robot
in front of this girl, so...

I just got an idea.

If I had a copy store,
I would only hire identical twins

to work there.

Yeah.

- If I had one of those bookcases...
- If I sold telescopes...

- ...that's a secret bookcase that opens...
- ...I'd have the price really small on the...

Uh-oh.

...opposite wall.

People'd come to my house...

Stay focused.

"How much is this?" "Look over there."

I think a good way to get out of jury duty
would be just to just dress as a judge

so when they're bringing
all the jurors in,

you know, you can look at the judge
and be like, "What am I...?"

They'd be like, "Get him out of here.
I don't know what he's doing here."

"Thank you. Sorry.
I gotta get back to court."

I went to the store, and they had a sign
that said, "Exit only."

And then I went in it.

I went in that door,

and I was like,
"Hey. I have exciting news for you."

"You have severely
underestimated this door

by, like, 100%."

is one of those words that sounds
more offensive than it is, I think.

Is Chris kinda... [beep] ...to you?

I love going to concerts.
I love seeing my favorite band

through the phone of the asshole
standing in front of me.

- Yeah.

All right, here we go.

This is a good part of the show.
I think you're gonna like this. So...

I really like drawing.

I find that it's fun to incorporate it
into my standup sometimes,

so I'm gonna show you some drawings.

The cool thing about a drawing is
I can share something personal,

and I can use a graphic
to illustrate it more specifically.

For example, here, this is a graph.

It's pretty personal.

This stands for "donut sensation."

So this is... these are my feelings
when I encounter a donut, basically,

so here's my normal resting state.

Somebody offers me a donut, and I'm like,
"Ooh, I'm gonna have a donut." Excited.

I'm like, "I can't have a donut
for no reason."

"But I want the donut.
No, I'm not gonna eat it."

Now here, I'm eating the donut.
I feel fantastic.

Until the last bite,
and then I just plummet.

"Oh God. I had a donut."

Here's where it gets interesting,
the second donut.

I'm like, "Oh yes!
No, no! Yes! Shit! I don't know."

It's a crisis,

which is the second donut.

With icebergs...

People love to talk about
the tip of the iceberg.

They're always gonna tell you
about the tip.

It's the most talked about part
of the iceberg by far.

In fact, you never hear about
any other part of the iceberg, you know?

People are just like,
"Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg."

Those are the people
that like to give you bad news.

Like, "Oh man, you are fucked," you know?

They never later check in and say,
"By the way,

bottom of the iceberg," you know?
"We're just about done."

But here's what's interesting.

Because of climate change,

this is not as shitty a thing to say
as it used to be, you know?

'Cause icebergs are now smaller
than they were,

so you're just at the tip of something
that's not as big an ordeal

as it used to be.

So this is actually
a lot better than it was

because things are much worse.

- Yeah.

Okay, birth.

Death.

This is your life
as you move from birth to death.

This is how much future you have.

This is how much past you have.

Right? So when you're born,
you have all this future.

But then as you live, your future
steadily gets smaller and smaller

until you get to right here,
where you die.

At the very same time,

when you're born, there's no past.

But your past gets bigger and bigger
as you go at the very same rate

until you get to here,

where you have no future and all past.

That's the condition of being dead.

But there's an interesting point
in the middle

where your future and past
are in equilibrium.

And this is during
the midlife existential crisis.

Yeah.

This is the kinda thing you might draw
during the midlife existential crisis.

- Yeah.

Okay, mustaches.

Slight one is creepy.

It's always creepy, right?
Just kinda a pube 'stache.

On a boy, a grandmother, whoever.
It's just... It's just...

There should be a waiting period.
"Can you stay indoors for a few days

until that thickens up?
We can't look at you like that."

Short is okay. Short mustache, great.
You got good hygiene, it's tidy. Nice.

Too long, awkward. Come on.
It's hanging over the lip.

We see it poking your lip,

and we're thinking about
how you eat soup and all this shit.

Twirls at the end, that's
an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us.

You know, you see one that twirls,
and it just raises a lot of questions,

"Do you have to wax that every day?"

"Does it stick to your face in the night?
You gotta wake up and pull it off?"

"How is this woman with you?"
Stuff like that. We're wondering.

What's interesting is that handshakes
follow the exact same pattern.

Slight handshake, that's creepy.

I'm shaking your hand,
you gotta squeeze back.

Don't just give me your hand
and move it around. Participate!

We're doin' this together.

Short handshake, of course, is okay.
"Great to meet you."

Too long is awkward.
You're shaking someone's hand

like, "Okay, I'm done." They don't let go.

I'm like, "Whoa, you felt me pulling out.
You don't

dominate me in this greeting.
You just... Release."

Twirls at the end,
a very uncomfortable feeling.

"Hey, good to meet you.
How's it g... What?!"

"We're dancing? Okay, wow."

That was kinda nice,
but... very uncomfortable."

I like the letter R.

That's one of my favorite
uppercase letters, just to look at.

I like the leg position,
I think that's what it is.

When I see the alphabet, the letters look
like they posed for portraits,

like A or whatever.

But R is kinda cool. It looks like
it was just walking by,

and the artist was like, "Stop!" "What,
like this?" "Yeah, hold that. I love it."

"Just that action." R.

Regal.

This is a graph of the letter N.

So this is the height over time...

of an N, right?

So we start here, and we're going up.

We're moving through time,
it's getting later, now we're going down.

Then we go back up.

And that's the N.

Probably the dumbest drawing
I've done in about five years,

so I feel pretty good about that, yeah.

I would love to get that on TV.

This is a calendar-based drawing.
So this is yesterday, actually.

This is a still life.

So this is a bowl of ice cream
with a cherry on top

on a round place mat on a round side table

on a round area rug, so...

I love frisbees.

Frisbees are, like, the only thing
you can throw at a stranger,

and hit 'em with it,

and it's okay.

Know what I mean?

You hit some guy with a frisbee.
"What the fuck? Oh, it's a frisbee. Cool."

"Here you go."

You can go to the park alone
with just you and a frisbee.

When people aren't looking,
you can just throw it at 'em and hit 'em.

Then you can be like, "Little help."

"Are you even here with anybody?"
"Thank you!"

This is a landscape. That's Antarctica.

Finally, I have a graph here.

This is how much
things are improved with frosting.

So we have... Mini-Wheats
are greatly improved with frosting.

I think everybody can agree.
Frosted Mini Wheats, great.

Cupcakes, also, huge improvement
when you add the frosting.

They're good, but the frosting's great.

Cookies also very good with frosting.

We got a drop off here to tips.

So, uh, when you frost your tips,

I don't think it improves them much.

And that might be too generous.
I don't know if that's...

Frosted tips. Okay.

That's some comedy right there.

- Thank you.

Nice. This is a good crowd.

I wanna give 'em something more,
like... hmm...

Wait a minute.
I wonder if I could go back.

Yeah, I think that could work.

Okay, now I'm gonna try something.

I'm gonna go back through the drawings
in the opposite direction

and do a different joke
for each drawing we just saw.

Let's see if we can...

Okay, this is a graph
going in that direction

of things that are more and more awkward
to give to a stripper.

So tips, not awkward at all.
That's pretty normal.

Cookies, we shoot way up
in awkwardness. That's weird.

Even weirder is cupcakes,
but the most awkward to give to a stripper

is Mini-Wheats, to be like,

"Thank you for your dance."

"Perhaps you can have these
for breakfast."

"They are frosted,
which is superior, as we know, so..."

This is a nude.

It's, uh, it's a guy lying on his side.

Uh, this is his butt cheek,
so it's a close-up.

He's a white guy.

One thing I hate is a frisbee.

I hate frisbees.

It's the only thing a stranger
can throw at you and hit you with

and you can't get mad at 'em, you know?
I hate that.

This is a tattoo

I would never get.

Especially in America. I just don't think
that's a good tattoo to get.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

This is a tattoo I would get, you know?

I don't know if you can get tattoos
after you die,

if you can have that in your will,

say, "Hey, could I...
You know, first thing, please,

if you could put an X
on each of my eyelids

for the wake, I would appreciate it,"
and it's like...

People'd come say,
"You know, he did like cartoons,

so that makes a lotta sense."

This is how much hair and teeth
you have over the course of your life, so...

You're born, you have no hair or teeth,

then you get more and more hair and teeth,
and you reach the peak.

Then you start losing
your hair and your teeth.

And then you get fake hair and fake teeth

to be a bizarro version
of your earlier self.

Okay. That's the R from behind.

Pretty tight butt on that R.

That R works out.

Massages.

A slight one is creepy.

It's creepy to get a slight massage.

That's... Someone's just fondling your back,
just...

A short massage is okay, sure,
if it's effective. Great.

Don't have to spend all day on it.

Too long is awkward. You're harassing me.

"Look, I've had to fart for 20 minutes.
Just get away."

Twirls at the end,
an uncomfortable feeling.

Somebody finishes a massage,
you're relaxed, then they just go...

"What was that about?
Is that a target or something?"

A slight hello is creepy always.

Hi.

A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course.

Too long is awkward.

Heeelloooo!

Twirls at the end,
that's an uncomfortable feeling.

You know? If they're like, "Hey."

Huh. That felt awkward.

Hey.

That was weird.

How 'bout, like, smoother?

Nope.

- I'm gonna try that again.
- Hey!

What about from a different angle? Nope.

What about like this? Forget it.

Just move on.

All right.

Breakfast. Dinner.

Lunch.

This is how appropriate it is
to have French toast.

This is how appropriate it is
to have pasta.

At breakfast,

very appropriate to have French toast,

but as the day goes on, it becomes less
and less appropriate to have French toast.

until at dinner,

it's ridiculous to have French toast.

At the very same time,

pasta, which was
completely inappropriate at breakfast,

becomes more and more appropriate
until at dinner,

it's completely appropriate to have pasta.

But there's a point
in the middle of the day,

when it's equally appropriate
to have French toast or pasta,

and this is when
you're most likely to eat carbohydrates.

Yeah.

I'll take that.

Okay, I can only speak for the men here,
but when you're standing in cold water...

These are pants

and this is water.

You're like, "That's pretty cold water.
I think I know how cold."

But then it starts moving up your legs,

and you don't really know how cold it is
until it gets to the tip,

then you're like, "Oooh!"

"That's very cold."

"Retreat. Retreat!"

Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping.

So this is my mouth. That's my nose.

That's my hair. And that's my eye.

That's me sleeping on my back.

- Comedy.

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

- I appreciate it.

Oh, okay. You're all done.

How do you feel?

It felt very real.

- Very vivid.
Right.

Just, like,

it's like I was really doing a special.

Does your mind feel less blocked?

I feel funny. My head is very hot,

like, almost like
it's maybe slightly... burnt.

Well, that is normal.

Uh, the good news is, uh,

we know what is wrong with you exactly.

- Oh.
- Your brain is constipated.

Oh.

Is that serious?

Yeah.

I don't know how else to put it.

There's too much in there.

Yeah. Right, the first step
will be a, uh, mental laxative.

Uh...

A mental laxative?

Yeah.