Original subtitles

All right, everyone,

it's time to assign your volunteer duties.

Because Nate's sinuses are stuffed up from allergies,

he's volunteered to monitor the Plasti-Potties.

I can't smell, so do your worst.

Robin, you will be slinging your homemade corn hooch.

I mean "legal refreshments."

Davis, as always, you're the parking supervisor.

All right!

Oscar and Emma will be your parking assistants.

- Parking? - Assistants?!

As always, I will be manning the information booth.

Is everyone okay with us using that name for the information booth?

Why? What's wrong with it?

It's the hub of all things corn. Have fun, everyone!

Stupid lousy parking.

Working in a hot, dusty gravel lot.

Parking's not stupid.

It brings me back to when I was a traffic cop.

We get it. It's all about you.

It seems a bit much, considering.

Hey, whistle shorts! Can I go now?

Great. Working in a hot, dusty gravel lot with whistle pants.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby You're so wrong ♪

Just so you know, Fitzy,

I'm still burned that you fired me as maze designer.

This sucks. People loved my elite, original maze designs.

You're playing fast and loose with the term "elite."

Two years ago, your maze was just a left turn.

Yeah, I called that one "The Corn-Er."

- Less is more. - One year, it was just a straight line.

Ah, "The Corn-Idor."

Some called it "the gauntlet of niblets."

Nobody called it that.

Last year you had a path into the middle that circled back out.

Ah, "The Corn-de-Sac."

More like "the corn-de-suck."

Mazes are supposed to be challenging.

That's why Wanda's doing it this year.

She seems keen.

♪ I made a maze! ♪

♪ I made a maze! ♪

Yeah, cool, puzzles are fun!

A maze is more than a puzzle.

It's a plethora of intricate possibilities

- that tax all five senses. - For sure.

I remember this one I did on a Denny's placemat,

it took me all the way through to dessert.

Ah, sweet, simple Karen.

This isn't something you do with a crayon.

This is a three-dimensional trap for the mind.

Oh. Well, I'll just take my crayons and go home then.

No, stick, around. I've invited a Maze Master

to come judge my maze, and if it meets his mustard,

I could get into the Maze Masters Club.

Whoopity-ding. Enjoy your nerd nest.

Hey, partner, last chance to join me

- on Dancing with the Cars. - Oh, I'd love to,

but, you know, we got those calls

about the strange lights in the sky last night.

- So... I'm on sky watch. - Oh, well, your loss.

Dog River Days, Pioneer Days,

Harvest Dance, Corn Festival...

how many hootenannys does a town need?

Hootenannys? We're not hillbillies.

They're called "hoe-downs."

Ah, well, pardon my big-city ignorance.

Anyway, I'm excited about the corn maze. Aren't you?

Walls of corn. Figuring out where to go!

Left? Right?

Sometimes even straight.

Boy, you really know how to sell it,

but our first priority is selling this popcorn.

- All of it. - That is a lot of popcorn.

- Well, it's for Charity. - Oh, which charity?

Charity Shabatoski.

It's a local gal we're sending to law school.

Artisanal popcorn?

Four-syllable words make the price go up.

- What flavour did you make? - I call it "Prairie Dust Bowl."

I used the cheese dust from a box of macaroni,

a hot-chocolate powder packet,

and chicken soup mix,

then topped it off with shaved coconut.

It's a tornado of flavour.

Ew, or an assault of flavour.

Oh, right, forgot the salt.

Okay, assistants, I'll be working parking lot "A,"

and you'll be over there, in parking lot "B."

Why do we get the bumpy, dusty one?

- Why can't we have lot "A"? - Lot "A" is the big leagues.

Show me what you can do in "B,"

and maybe you'll get to boogie with the big boys.

A girl can dream.

Uh... looks more like a nightmare.

Brent! You're at the festival?

- I'm surprised, what with your fear of... - Keep your voice down.

I don't want Lacey to know about my corn thing.

Here, try some of my popcorn.

What do ya think? Pretty complicated, right?

- Too much, probably? - No, no, no.

It-it's complicated, and almost revolting,

but with an off-putting allure.

It walks a line between nausea and, uh...

- nummy. - So you hate it, right?

Hey, Hank, sorry to hear

you didn't get to design the maze this year.

- Ah, you're just saying that. - Yeah, I am!

I can't wait to try Wanda's maze. Should be awesome!

Wow. People love to tear a guy down.

Gimme two more bags of your funky popcorn.

- Really? - Hey, Nate!

Tell me if you think this tastes raunchy.

Someone bought your popcorn.

We are two bags closer to doing the maze.

Yeah, well, lots more to sell.

Bleuch! It tastes like litter box nuggets.

But with a hint of coconut.

It's like getting sunscreen in your mouth

while eating chicken soup.

Yes! It's confirmed.

Maze Master Myron is coming to judge my maze.

Oh, I can't wait to see what a Maze Master

- named Myron looks like. - Probably hot,

and smart enough to know a good maze when he sees one.

Geez, rub a little salt in the wound.

What does your stupid maze have that my maze didn't?

The maze part.

Why don't you go in and see what a real one's like?

Fine, I will.

What's so special about your...

Uh-oh, wrong turn.

Uh... I think I'm lost.

Can anyone hear me? Wanda!

Nope! Not a word!

Dammit! K-Karen?

Sorry. Karen's on sky watch.

Yeah... Uh... Yeah, baby.

My hips don't fib.

He's got so many more cars than us. He's making us look bad.

We need to get folks' attention.

- Take your top off. - I'm not doing that!

I'm not even wearing my good bra.

There should be a reserved spot for me.

- I'm the Maze Master. - Yeah? Well, I'm the Parking Prince.

So you can cool your jets a minute.

Hey, station wagon, room over here!

Hoo-wa, hoo-wa.

- Davis stole our car. - This means war.

Maze Master Myron is parking.

Karen, make sure he doesn't get mobbed by puzzle bunnies.

- Puzzle what? - Fans. Don't embarrass me.

I'll handle the puzzle stuff, you just do your job.

Maze Master Myron has arrived!

Oh! Hello, sir!

- Sire. Your sireness. - "Your sireness"?

- How was your drive? - Pedestrian at best.

Pedestrian...

Driving... Oh, you are so funny.

I know. I need to freshen up a little.

Where are the facilities?

- The Plasti-Potties are that way. - Plasti-Potties?

Use the far left one. It has the best air freshener.

"Plum Paradise."

Wow... he's even more than I thought he'd be.

He's pretty much exactly what I thought he'd be.

How's the coconut water? Can I get you anything else?

Back rub? Foot rub?

- Karen, untie his shoes. - That will never happen.

Well, hello. We haven't been introduced.

I'm Maze Master Myron,

- but everyone calls me "Triple M." - Do they really, though?

They used to call me Eminem-inem, but, legal issues.

You look a lot like the police character

from one of my favourite video games.

Yeah, that looks nothing like me.

Also, I don't carry my handcuffs clipped to a thong.

Ha! Fascinating stuff. Karen, a word?

I said make him feel VIP, not throw yourself at him.

Throw myself at him? I'm trying not to throw up on him.

Really? Thongs and handcuffs?

You're just like all the other puzzle bunnies.

Puzzle bunnies?

This guy couldn't attract a rat with cheese.

Wow. This maze is a real maze.

How long have I been in here?

Five minutes? Three days?

Time is meaningless.

Hang on.

That corn looks just like the other corn.

So does that corn!

I've been walking in squares!

Hmm... Maybe if I lay down a popcorn trail,

I can see if I've retraced my steps.

It worked for Hansel and Pretzel, so...

Who am I talking to?

Or thinking to?

You only have ten bags left to sell, then it's maze time.

Yeah, super exciting.

14 bucks a bag? No one's going to buy it at that price.

Sure they will. It's for Charity.

What do you got against her, anyway?

Two bags of popcorn, please.

You might want to rethink that. It's 14 bucks a bag.

I need more. It's fascinating.

It's both putrid and delicious.

It's putri-cious, and for Charity.

So it's putriciousharity. Ah, no, that's forcing it.

Sorry, Won. You've had four bags already.

That's 600% of your daily sodium. You're cut off.

Popcorn's a gateway snack. Sad.

And now he's interpretive dancing.

We need to find a way to attract customers.

Come on down to O and E's Parking.

At O and E's, we believe in three things...

good service,

quality parking spots...

And no horny hip-grinding.

♪ Parking is a breeze at O and E's ♪

And Davis is an ass.

I don't know. A TV commercial's kinda pricey.

Let's just steal his whistle.

Hmm... I'm bored just looking at it,

but I'll go through, as long as I can...

bring some company?

- Sorry, Morton, not gonna... - She'd love to go!

You told me to back off,

which I have no problem doing whatsoever.

He might bail on doing my maze.

Please, do me this one favour.

Fine, I'll give him an escort.

- Ooh, escort. - Police escort, creepo.

Stay two metres ahead of me at all times.

Davis, sorry to interrupt.

Could you show me the hip thing you do?

Ooh, someone has a thirst for the thrust.

Actually, I'm thinking it might be good for my sciatica.

Okay, first you plant your foot,

then turn and thrust. Turn.

Thrust.

Turn...

- Thrust. - Thank you.

All right, hold your...

Wha...? My whistle!

Left, left, left, and... Right.

How the heck are you going through this so fast?

Oh, uh... my whole body is in tune

with the longitude and latitude of the Earth.

- Pretty sexy, huh? - Not even a little bit.

Right. Left, right...

What are you mumbling?

Sun's getting low.

Time's running out to

- go through the maze. - It is? Oh, too bad,

there's still popcorn to sell.

Yeah, about that? I'm buying the rest.

But... but... One bag per person.

Way ahead of you.

There. One bag.

That's... against the rules... of capitalism.

What the hell, Brent?

Why won't you go through the maze with me?

Okay, I didn't want to tell you

because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it,

but I'm absolutely, paralyzingly,

terrified of corn, in field format.

- Seriously? Why? - Why?

Nothing good happens in a corn field.

They're teeming with horrors. "A," cob-goblins.

- You mean hobgoblins? - You city people are so naive.

"B," scarecrows come to life at night. That's science.

"C," bugs and rats and stuff.

That could be "C," "D," and "E".

"W," candy corn. Gross.

It's why kids egg houses on Halloween.

- "X"... - Okay, half your reasons

are barely corn-related.

They're... corn adjacent.

Well, here's a hard corn fact. Last night,

people saw mysterious lights over this very field.

You know what that means?

Aliens! Corn-loving aliens.

All right, fine! I'll go by myself.

No big deal.

You stole my whistle! Sciatica, my ass!

That is generally where it starts.

- Back off, Hot Pants! - All right, cool it.

You three are an embarrassment to corn festivals everywhere.

Stop making such a big deal out of this.

People know how to park their cars.

Your job is just pointless busy work.

- What? - I mean, well done.

Take the rest of the day off. Go enjoy the maze.

Okay... left, right...

Corn...

- Left. - Corn.

- Right. - Corn.

- Wanda! - Wow, that was fast.

Under four minutes. Easy.

Easy? Not even... mildly challenging?

It was both simple and corny.

I am a delight. Bottom line, you can't join the club.

You'd have to be a pretty dull knife to get stuck in there.

I'm gonna die in here.

So much corn. Wait...

I think the stalks are talking to me.

What's that? Build what and who will come?

What? Hey!

S-Stop that! Hey! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Oh, ho, ho, tough little guy, huh?

Come on, give it your best shot.

Ah! Oh!

That's gonna stink.

Yup, there it is.

He never hesitated once.

- No wrong turns. Nothing. - I get it!

He made my maze his bitch.

I worked on it for months.

It's weird. I saw the lame maze another

designer submitted last year, and they got in.

- You know what this means. - There's something fishy going on.

No, Myron is a genius. A sexy genius.

If you tore open his skull,

you'd probably find a six-pack on his hippocampus.

I don't know what that is,

but I like the idea of his skull being opened.

I know you guys took my whistle.

You can't question us without our lawyer.

And Charity hasn't even started college yet.

Can we just get past this and enjoy the maze?

- This way. - I know you're mocking me,

but I can't deny your technique.

Why am I tasting coriander?

Lacey?

Brent! I need your help.

I'm at the entrance of the corn maze, and I tripped.

- I think I broke my ankle. - Oh, no.

See? You're barely in the corn, and bad stuff is already...

Shut up and help!

Lacey, where are you?

I'm in here!

Are you okay? Should you be standing on broken ankles?

I'm not. Nothing's broken.

More importantly,

- look where you are. - Oh, no.

- You're making a big deal. - No, I'm helping.

Look, it's just corn and blue sky.

One step in, still okay...

Come on. Who's a big boy?

I'm a big boy, but I'm still keeping an eye out

for cob-goblins, and evil children.

If I see one Malachai, I'm outta here.

This is stupid. I liked Hank's mazes better.

Three minutes, and you're out the other side

getting lit up on corn hooch.

All we have to do is go back the way we came.

Uh... which way did we come?

Nice work. Now we're lost.

- Any other suggestions, pointy pelvis? - Here's one.

My whistle! I knew you took it.

- I hear a whistle. - Follow the sound!

Over here!

See? Help's on the way.

- Oh. So, you're lost too? - We thought you were rescuing us.

Now we're all lost together. Like Blue Rodeo.

Aw, this is hopeless.

I better sit down before things get worse.

Huh?

Oh, oh...

Ah! Oh! Ah!

Ants!

Ants! Oh, this is worse!

So much worse!

Isn't this great?

Nothing but fresh air, clear skies, and clean... dirt.

Yeah, it's sorta okay. I mean, the whistle

freaked me out a bit, but...

- Why'd you stop? - I'm not sure where to go.

But whoo-hoo! That's the fun part about a maze.

Sometimes you lose yourself, and...

Lose yourself? If you're lost, we're lost!

It'll be dark soon!

Whoa-ho-ho, big boy. Big boy...

there's no reason to panic.

No, panic is good. It releases adrenaline, which...

- What's that sound? - What's that smell?

Cob-goblin!

Whoa!

- Hey, Melvin. - Myron.

Marvin. I kind of enjoyed going through the maze today.

Let me put my digits in your phone,

- and we'll do it again sometime. - Your digits?

A girl's number? A real live girl?

I mean, get in line, but okay.

Whatever. Sure.

Wait, what are you doing?

Just browsing through your... A-ha!

So now what do we do?

Yeah, how do we get out of here?

I don't know, it's not my whistle.

Ask nimble knickers.

Everyone! Into Brent's corn hole!

You know what I mean. Grow up.

- So, you think you see a corn goblin... - Cob-goblin.

...and then you just run off and leave me there!

Those are the rules of corn field survival.

You don't believe in cob-goblins.

Non-believers get eaten first. Look it up.

That's an aerial photo of my maze.

Myron blew into town last night

and used a drone to take an overhead shot.

He had the whole thing memorized beforehand.

That also explains the calls

about strange lights over the corn field.

- Why would you do that? - Because...

no girls allowed in our club!

- How old are you? - 33... and three quarters.

- This'll never hold up in court. - I'm not arresting you,

but I do have your mother's phone number right here...

Please don't call my mom!

She thinks I'm at a sleepover at Toby's house.

Well, then I guess you'll have to admit Wanda into your club.

I don't want to join that stupid club. I'm starting my own club.

It's called Wedgie Wizards.

H'yah!

Well, I see I've overstayed my welcome. I'll be leaving now.

- Okay, thanks. - Just doing my job,

like you so condescendingly told me to.

I should give you a wedgie.

- You can't wedgie what's not there. - You mean you're not...?

Aah! Gross!

Well, I heard you got fired, Wanda.

I guess we're both social piranhas.

I didn't get fired. They nixed the corn maze.

Turns out people just like drinking in a field...

so next year we're harvesting the corn

- and putting up a beer tent. - Beer tent?

Count me out.

Cob-goblins are scary enough when they're sober.

Don't you want to help Charity?

- No need, she got a scholarship. - Good thing, too.

We only raised enough for half a textbook.

Did someone say "dancing"?

- No. - Could someone say "dancing"?

What the hell.

- Dancing. - All right!

Ooh!

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪