Original subtitles

It gives me great pleasure to announce that...

- What's under the sheet? - I'm getting to that.

- Allow me to... - Is it a statue?

Too small. Maybe a bust.

Small bust, big bust, all good.

This is an unveiling, so let me unveil it.

- Now, as I was saying... - Sorry I'm late.

- Hey, what's under the sheet? - Oh, for crying out loud.

- It's a bell. - A bell?

An old church bell.

♪ Ring, the sound when it is rung ♪

Some rich muckity-muck came through town

a few years ago, and had a delightful time.

He recently died, and bequeathed us his antique bell.

Whoa, back up a second.

A delightful time? In Dog River?

- More coffee, hon? - Yes, please.

You wouldn't believe the horrible place I've just come from.

- Petty, deceitful people. - Oh, Dog River.

Well, relax. You're in Wullerton now.

If you need a hug, you let me know.

Wullerton. I must remember that.

Apparently, he was really losing it toward the end.

Anyway, free bell.

- Oh! First ding dibs! - No! This bell's not for dinging.

Well, that's weird.

It's like unveiling a button we can't push.

- Or bubble wrap we can't chew. - Cows we can't tip!

There's no dinging, okay?

Look at the bell and go home!

A delightful time in Dog River.

How is that even possible?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

- The hell's that contraption? - French press.

It's a better way to prepare coffee.

You get the bean in its purest form.

More antioxidants, helps increase concentration.

The French are always pushing their agenda on the world.

French press, French toast,

French fries... Oh, I do like those.

Why don't you ever make French fries?

Why don't you shut up and drink?

Holy hell, that's one très bien cup of coffee!

Top me up, Pierre!

You hear the news? We got a bell!

Did you eat my yogurt?

I found the empty cup in your garbage can.

You probably threw it in there by mistake.

Delirious from the amazing cherry flavour.

I didn't mention it was cherry.

I also found your fingerprints all over the cup!

Fine, I ate it, Debbie Dramatic.

Busted! This fingerprint kit is pretty handy.

- Why don't we use it more often? - Waste of time.

You think everything's a waste of time. Like buying your own yogurt.

In order for fingerprinting to be useful,

we'd need everybody in town on file.

We could make a database,

- and don't say it's... - Waste of time.

A bell we can't ring?

It's not right. I'm just gonna ring it.

So, how was it?

Oh, man, so good. You gotta try it.

You weren't kidding. That was glorious!

- Your turn, Zeke. - I don't know...

What if we get in trouble?

- Come on! - Don't be a wuss!

Zeke! No dingin' the bell.

Hey, Wanda, do you know where...

Pripyat, Neeploha, Devochka...

Are you okay? You sound phlegmy.

- You got a cold or something? - No cold.

Just happy to see you, fellow greedy capitalist.

- I go. - Did you call me "greedy"?

Or "meaty"?

I said stop ringing that bell!

Ugh!

- What did you do to this coffee? - Nothing.

It's the same as always.

This tastes like it was scooped from a turtle tank.

Don't take that the wrong way.

There's a right way to take that?

Our coffee at home is way better.

Well, you know what you should do, then.

I meant go home and drink coffee.

Our house doesn't have the same Johnny say quoi.

Now, voulez-vous couchez us some cups.

Pardon my French, but bite me.

Obviously I can't stop you all from ringing this bell.

So I've decided to appoint one official bell-ringer...

Hi! Uh!

...to ring it only on the hour and in case of emergency.

Otherwise, it's anarchy.

- Now, who wants... - Ooh! Me! Me!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Literally anyone else? - I'm your guy!

I promise, if elected, I'll never stop ringing that bell.

All right. With extreme reservations,

I appoint Hank

- as Dog River's new bell boy. - Yes!

But I prefer the term "Ring Leader."

Or no, no... Ring Master!

Only on the hour.

Hey, Lacey, I want to take your fingerprints to keep on file.

Well, I want you to not.

Besides, can't have inky fingers for the lunch rush.

Waste of time.

Sorry. I said waste of time.

Zeke! Wanna let me fingerprint you?

No way! That's how the government gets you.

First, fingerprints, then tracking chips,

next we're all wearing matching jumpsuits,

eating our weekly ration of bug mush.

Raincheck?

Brent, I'm starting a town fingerprint database.

You should start with Wanda.

- She's been acting weird all morning. - Weird? How?

Just weird.

Talking with a Romanian accent, or Transylvanian.

You guys don't believe in vampires, do you?

Yeah, me neither, just taking the temperature of the room.

Anyway, keep an eye on Wanda.

12:00, y'all!

Hey, Wanda. How's it going?

Living my best life,

- which is sad. - Good. Good, good.

Uh, hey, seen your reflection lately?

Why? Something in my teeth?

No, but let me check, are they pointy?

Hey, uh, what say you and I go lay in the sun

and chow down some garlic?

Have you been bingeing Twilight again? How many times is that?

All right, all right, don't bite my head off.

I mean it. Please, don't.

1:00 comin' atcha, Dog River!

Ha!

Ooh, is that a French press?

I love the French.

They do everything so much better than us.

Their braids, their maids, their horns...

Well, grab a cup, and cop a squat, hombre.

All right!

I see the old silo's getting pretty full there, Ike.

Oh, yeah, she's about ready to blow.

Is Special Agent Dollard in River of Dogs.

I have information regarding location of missile silo.

Prepare to send nukes.

Send nudes? Okay, give me a minute.

How well do we really know Wanda?

Sure, we all grew up together since childhood,

and I've spent the last 20 years

standing beside her, but still...

- Whoa, where'd she go? - Yeah, totally.

- Are you even listening? - Huh? Oh.

I'm sorry, buddy. My Instagram is buh-lowing up.

Four likes on my last post.

Being Lord of the Ring has really raised my stature.

Yeah. You're probably the most important person in town.

Backward hat man

is apparently most important man in town.

Surely he will know missile codes.

Speaking of... coming up on 2:00 in about 30 seconds.

Yeah, that'll happen.

Oh, right!

Whoa! Hey! What are you doing?

I don't know. Putting this on a shelf?

- Taking it down from a shelf? - Something's going on here.

One minute, you're normal,

and the next, you're sneaking around all sneaky-sneaks.

Ah, it's hard for me to admit, but you may be right.

I'm dizzy, I'm missing chunks out of the day.

It's like at the snap of a finger,

you're someone else completely...

- Wait, you ever been hypnotized? - No. I went to one of those

lame hypnotism shows back in the day,

but it didn't work. I'm too smart for that bull-dink.

...and sleep.

Now, when I ring this bell, you will become a robot at a disco,

you will be a chicken who's late for work,

and you will be a Russian spy looking for nuclear missiles.

Where are missiles, chicken lady?

- It would explain an awful lot. - No way.

That cheese-ball schmaltz would never work on me.

I probably just need more sleep or something.

Smell that? That's the intoxicating aroma

of the simple, yet anti-aging

and gout-preventing coffee bean distilled to its purest form.

Less blah-blah, more java!

All right, this has gone on long enough.

Either drink my coffee, or take your stupid French press

and your snooty attitudes, and get out.

I'm sorry, Lacey, but we can no longer settle

for your pedestrian drip coffee.

I bet if it came down to it, you couldn't even tell the difference.

Taste test!

Okay, if you can't tell the difference,

you'll never bring that thing in here again.

Deal.

Mm... very nice.

Oh, I see.

Lacey, you're trying to trick me.

Clearly this is rotten cabbage water

you're attempting to pass off as coffee.

- I hope you do get gout. - Nice one, Emma.

Now fill me up with another... Hey, where did my cup go?

Mine's missing too.

Who took my napkin holder?

Thank you, Zeke.

You should've seen the French roasting we just gave Lacey.

She didn't know... What's all this?

Nobody wants to give me their fingerprints,

so I'm just taking them.

My database is almost complete.

Look, Karen, I'd love to stand around

and tell you what a waste of time this fingerprint stuff is,

but that would mean wasting even more time

in a day already fraught with wasted time.

Snack break.

Hey! Am I all out of your yogurt?

Aah!

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

Oh, man.

This was the wrong day to take up so many new hobbies.

Hank! My cat is missing.

Aw, that sucks. Sorry, man.

It's an emergency.

- Ring the bell! - Fine.

Now what?

I don't know. I'm a bell ringer, not a cat... finder.

Emma! What the hell did you do?

Me? I didn't do that.

Well, if you didn't, and I didn't...

Oh, I know. Who's hated this thing from the start?

I didn't break your French press.

I kinda wish I had, though.

What's the emergency?

I heard the bell, then I went to the bell,

then Hank told me that Oscar told him to tell me to come here,

which doesn't seem like a great system.

- Lacey broke our French press! - French cuff her, Davis!

I can't without proof or a confession.

- Did you break it? - No.

Dang. Thought if I said it quick...

- Wait, I've got another idea. - Well, looks like my database

isn't such a waste of time now, is it?

Have you (A) ever been to Russia?

(B) have friends in Russia?

(C) cheered for Russia in Olympic hockey?

- No. - Then you must be hypnotized.

Sorry, I'm going to have to kill

- you to keep the nation secure. - Good luck.

I've got an emergency.

I'm making butter tarts, and I'm out of butter!

That's not an emergency, Helen.

It's the number one ingredient. It's right in the name.

I've got a real emergency. I can't find my remote!

Enough! Everybody leave me alone.

I got a job to do here, and I need to concentrate.

Hank's really changed. All this power has gone to his head.

Will lure powerful bell man

with honey trap seduction.

Oh, hello, Mr. Important Local Official.

Surely someone as powerful and handsome as you

- has information... - Y-You okay, Wanda?

Brent said you were feeling a little off.

Oh, ho... don't listen to giant-headed gas man.

There must be something I can offer you in exchange for... codes.

A-winky, a-winky.

Oh, god! Get off of me!

Wait, I'm on you? What's happening?

Ah, it's not your fault. It's the lure of the King Ringer.

Power is a potent aphrodisiac.

Okay, you have to kill me.

I can't be King of the Ring anymore.

This job messes with your morals.

- Too much power for one man. - You can't quit now.

People are used to your hourly dongs.

- Many have thrown away their watches. - You gotta find somebody else!

You made a promise, Hank.

You said you'd never stop ringing that bell.

I did say that, didn't I?

Something is wrong with me.

Filthy Canadian pigs!

Do I sound different?

Vodka! Baryshnikov! Pussy Riot!

I'm starting to think I might actually be hypnotized!

Ya think? I don't get it, though.

Wouldn't the hypnotist have un-hypnotized you at the show?

Where are codes?

I'll pluck you like chicken you mock!

And... back to normal.

Well, we've all had a good time tonight.

Now when I snap my fingers,

it will un-plant the hypnotic suggestion

so it's not dormant in your subconscious.

Three, two...

Fire! Run for your lives!

We have to find this hypnotist to un-plant the suggestion.

Do you remember his name?

I don't know, something Mesmerizer?

The Great Mesmerizer?

Marvelous Mesmerizer?

- Gerald Mesmerizer? - That's it!

Boy, destiny really handed it to you with a name like that.

- How'd you find him? - Linkedln.

He works at some supermarket now. Let's go find him.

You take me nowhere, agent gas man.

You showed me, Hank.

- You're fired. - Yes! Now, there's, uh,

just the small matter of my fee.

- There's no payment. - Wow, this really was a terrible gig.

Codes, codes...

must get codes.

Thank you, agent gas man.

There are three sets of fingerprints on the French press.

Oscar's, Emma's, and one set of mystery prints.

Which are not mine.

Get your cuffs ready, Davis.

- She looks like a runner. - Way ahead of you.

Now, we just have to cross-reference Lacey's prints

with the ones on the French press...

Hmm. It's not a match. Lacey walks.

Yes! Freedom!

You've all just had a taste of Shawshank Redemption.

Is that relevant? I never actually saw the movie.

If they're not hers, whose are they?

- Looks like they're Phil's. - Emma!

Two-timing me with the town barkeep?

I'm not cheating on you.

Though I do love a man with a ponytail. Something to think about.

What possible reason could there be

for Phil's prints being on the French press?

The tub drain's clogged.

Get someone else to unclog it.

- Like who? - I don't know... Phil?

He's got long hair. He knows how to deal with that stuff.

I made him a coffee afterwards.

Mystery solved.

Now, you guys want to order or get lost?

Either's fine.

Large-headed, round, pungent gas man.

- I hear you have information. - I can take you to my...

Pungent? I don't know about that.

Anyway, I can take you to my source,

but we have to leave right away.

Mother Russia will not forget this.

Why would Phil break our French press? It makes no sense.

Idiots! It was loud angry geriatric

who broke fancy French machine!

Oh.

Too stupid to know anything about missile codes.

What the hell am I doing out here?

What the hell are you doing out there?

- She's lying! - I also have pictures.

Those are better than fingerprints.

Told you it was a waste of time.

Okay, let's go, Comrade Dollard. I'll explain all this later.

Okay, so I broke it and tried to pin it on Lacey.

Would you expect any less of me?

I'll buy you a new one.

- How much was it? - 68 bucks.

I always liked Lacey's coffee.

Okay, I think that's my source.

I will take it from here.

No, no, no, we don't want you to spook him.

Uh... here, try one of these.

My god! This gooey mush pocket is revelation!

Would go perfectly with salted herring and okroshka soup.

Uh, excuse me? Gerald Mesmerizer?

Um, this might sound strange, but were you ever a hypnotist?

Yeah, I went through a brief phase.

With a name like "Mesmerizer,"

- you've gotta give it a shot, right? - Naturally.

Uh, well, you hypnotized my friend back there,

- and she's still under your spell. - Really?

I didn't think my powers had such long-lasting effects.

Yeah, you're a real Reveen.

So, do you think you could un-hypnotize her?

It's affecting her work. Also, she hits me in the throat a lot.

No problem. For a price, of course.

- Fif... um, 60 bucks. - Did you obtain codes?

He'll only give them to us for six... 100 bucks,

and two cases of poutine pockets.

All right, here goes...

Nothin'.

Looks like I'm back to normal, pungent gas man.

Oh, so the "pungent" bit wasn't a spy thing.

- Nice. - That's it. This stupid bell

is more trouble than it's worth.

What are you gonna do with it?

Don't worry. I'll put it somewhere very safe.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪