Original subtitles

Coffee?

Someone's in a bit of a mood.

Ah, sorry.

The wind storm last night

blew some shingles off my roof.

Ah, so you need new shingles.

It also blew a tree onto my roof.

So you need a new roof?

And a new tree,

and let's not forget about the shingles.

That's a real boot to the gutters.

Boot to the gutters?

Well, you know what they say

about the weather.

Wait five minutes, and my eggs are cold.

That's not the saying.

I just got sidetracked by these cold eggs.

A whole new roof?

What a kick in the soffits.

That'll put a dent in your emergency fund.

It might.

If I had an emergency fund,

or a rainy day fund,

or a sock in which I had money socked away.

That's a real knee to the downspout.

Have you been bingeing the Property Brothers?

I guess now is a good time to tell you...

We told you so!

No!

We put money away for you when you were young.

That's his inheritance.

Give it to him now, you reward bad behaviour.

A broken roof is bad behaviour?

Careful, Oscar.

You might be motivating Brent to knock you off

just to collect that inheritance.

Over my dead body.

That's what I'm saying.

I would never do that.

Now, eat your poison eggs.

I mean, cold eggs.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

So you think the lyrics to that song

are "won't you take me to Monkey Town"?

Exactly.

Who would want to be taken to Funky Town?

Probably smells like bad breath and armpits.

You think a town full of monkeys

isn't gonna have a funk?

Sure, it might curl your lip a little,

but, hey, monkeys!

I don't think that's true.

I am just telling you what I read.

Ah, thank god.

A real conversation

that doesn't involve primates.

Or have I spoke too soon?

I read a blog

that said people lie to the police

90% of the time.

That can't be true in Dog River.

Everyone is so close-knit and caring.

Why would anyone lie to us?

'Cause you're cops.

Didn't you hear what Karen said?

Yeah, it's all tickets, and rules, and warnings,

and second warnings, and final warnings

with you guys.

And statistically speaking,

most people have broken some law

in the past.

I don't think it's most people.

I believe the majority of citizens are law-abiding.

You also believe

there's a place called Monkey Town.

Gimme one good reason

why we shouldn't give Brent his money.

You're lookin' at it.

That doesn't make any sense.

It makes as much sense as giving him the money does.

Honestly, you argue like a kindergarten dropout.

I don't need your permission.

Permission for what?

To give Brent his money.

Are we still talking about that?

I'm going to find a more quiet place

to read my paper.

Third National Trust.

Yes, how do I go about closing an account

opened by an idiot?

Something bothering you, Hank?

Huh?

Ah, I'm just thinking about something

Karen and Davis said about lying.

Oh, no.

Are they on to us?

On to us?

Do they suspect anything about you and me

and our "secret"?

Our secret?

I, uh... I don't think so.

Good.

You did the right thing

by coming to me about this.

Uh, this being...?

You, me, that thing that happened.

The cops can never find out.

Well, I guarantee

they won't hear about it from me.

I was just on the phone

with Third National Trust,

and there's no account set up for Brent.

Why would there be?

I put it in the farmer's bank.

You buried it?

Yeah, in the yard.

You can't trust those three-piece shifty stiffs

at the bank.

The money's safer in the ground.

How is it supposed to grow?

You dig it up, take it to the bank,

and tell them how long it's been there,

and they pay you interest.

That's not how a bank works.

Look at Mrs. Rockefeller,

giving free lessons on high finance.

I find it hard to believe people lie to us.

Are you calling me a liar?

Look, if you want to know if someone is lying to you,

watch their eyes.

If a person looks up and to the left,

they're using their imagination.

If they look up and to the right,

they're using an actual memory.

I didn't know that.

I did.

She's lying.

She looked up and to the left.

I wasn't lying,

I was just...

looking at a bird over there.

Another way you can tell

is if they kick at the dirt with their feet.

Okay!

I didn't know.

So there's other ways to tell if people lie?

Tons.

Hey, Ike, how's that rash?

It's good, it's good.

When people repeat themselves, they're often lying.

So...

So don't touch Ike.

I wish we could afford a portable lie detector.

We have Wanda.

She's portable.

You can't afford me, either.

Buy you lunch?

Let's go, boss.

Okay, here I am.

What's so important

that you couldn't tell me over the phone?

Whoa,

Lacey was just joking about murdering Dad.

I need you to help me dig up your trust fund.

Your idiot father buried it in the back yard.

Because of course he did.

You know, Lacey's murder idea...

It's still on the table.

I'm nervous.

Should we really be doing this?

Better to know the truth

than to keep wondering.

Oftentimes, people have personal signs

that show they're lying,

like a tell in poker,

but there are general signs.

Watch for lip-biting or exaggerated hand gestures.

Let's run a test.

Hey, Lanny, did you get that tail light fixed

on your truck yet?

Yeah, I got it fixed.

Face-touching.

That's a lie.

How could he?!

I'm gonna try another one.

Hey, Ravi, how's the Reuben sandwich?

Oh, my god,

so good, so good.

I highly recommend it.

Two thumbs up.

He's telling the truth.

But he repeated himself.

And he touched his face.

Yeah, but I had the Reuben yesterday,

and it was amazing, so...

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Yes, people love your Reuben.

No!

Well, yes,

but the cops are using Wanda

to suss out liars.

Cool.

Not cool!

They might uncover our secret.

Right.

That secret we have.

Uh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not like Wanda's an expert or anything.

Yes, she is!

She's an expert at everything.

She's like a machine.

We have to figure out how to beat the machine.

Yeah.

Well, let's start

with a couple of Reuben sandwiches.

I hear good things.

I don't know where your father buried the money,

and he's not talking, either.

So we're just randomly digging up the yard?

Not exactly.

He said he put it in the farmer's bank.

Back in the day,

when farmers buried money on their land,

they'd put it in a place where they could watch over it

from a door or window.

So starting from this door...

That tree is probably the reference point Oscar used.

We just dig around that tree and see if it's there.

If it's there?

You want me to do manual labour

based on speculation?

What am I, a prospector?

Look, do you want the $250 or not?

250?

Well, I guess we can stop

tossing the word "treasure" around.

We've been digging for hours.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Does it, though?

I mean, using a tree as a reference is logical.

Dad probably used a puddle or a bird.

Warmer...

Warmer.

Are you saying this is the spot?

I'm saying

that you've been digging so much

that you're getting warmer,

and sweatier, too.

I was sweating before I got here.

You probably don't even remember where it's buried.

I don't need to.

I was smart enough to leave myself a clue.

There's a clue?

No.

We can't let Wanda catch us in a lie.

It'll open up a whole can of worms,

and the next thing you know,

our secret is out.

Right.

Our worm secret.

Maybe if I don't show any emotion,

Wanda will have nothing to read.

Hey, Lacey,

this sugar's empty.

Yes.

Sugar is lacking from that container.

The Reuben comes with fries or a salad.

Can I substitute soup?

Affirmative.

I will allow it.

What kind of soup do you have?

Chicken noodle? Tomato?

I will provide available soup.

Mission accomplished.

Really?

Was your mission to make Wanda suspicious?

Aah! See?

She's a machine!

I've seen a lot of cop movies

and a lot of machine movies,

and one that was both.

RoboCop.

My point is,

to beat the lie detector,

you just lie about everything.

Hey, Hank,

come here.

Watch this.

What's with Lacey?

Is she okay?

Oh, yeah.

She's just freaked out

because it's gonna rain lava this afternoon,

and she left her flock of emotional support camels

grazing in her hemp field.

By the way,

today's special is rhinoceros burgers.

What was that?

Lacey appears to be on some kind of sedative.

My guess, horse tranquilizer.

And Hank?

Hank's an idiot.

She's not lying.

So what do we do now?

Just stand around these 41 holes we've dug?

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Couldn't you have thought of this plan

before we dug 41 holes?

Back from my afternoon nap.

Have you two given up yet?

We were going to,

but then you gave us the clue.

I did not.

Not directly,

but you talk in your sleep.

We went and got the clue before you woke up.

Ah, you're pullin' my cork.

I just remembered,

there's something I gotta go do.

Aren't you a crafty weasel?

Come on.

Clueless is gonna lead us to the clue.

A-ha! I knew it.

She was bluffing.

He actually hid the clue in a box marked "clue."

I'm afraid to see what he hid

in the "Kerplunk" game.

Hey, Lacey, you wanted to see me?

Uh, no.

Ah, that's weird.

I got a text from Wanda that said you wanted to see me.

Oh, no.

I bet it's some kind of trick.

Why don't you ask her?

Aah! Dammit!

Now that I have you here,

I want to know

why you two have been acting weird

in front of the cops.

Uh, no reason.

Hmm, no eye contact.

Fidgeting.

Pants on fire.

Fine.

There is something going on,

but we're not talking.

Right, Hank?

Not a word.

You may be this big-shot human lie detector,

but you're getting nothing from us.

We're rock solid.

That's right.

Like a salad of rocks.

I said "solid," not "salad."

Follow me.

I'm going to crack you like a 12-year-old peanut.

Let's do this!

You think I can't?

There's a reason they call me the nutcracker!

Actually, there's a few reasons

they call me the nutcracker.

There's so many ways to show

people are lying to you.

Yeah, Wanda's cheat sheet is more like a cheat essay.

Good afternoon, officers!

Anything about annoying sing-songy greetings?

No, but she did gesture wildly.

It's called "waving."

A lie's a lie.

Helen hates you.

Me?

You're over-reacting.

They can't be lying about everything.

But who knows what's a lie and what's the truth?

Maybe Lacey's lunch special was Rhino Burgers.

Hiya, Karen.

Lookin' sharp, Davis.

Face-touching.

Nice try, Lanny!

You lying son-of-a-bitch.

We could be out there

digging up your money right now.

Can I help it

if espionage makes me hungry?

Everything makes you hungry.

They have the red envelope.

Damn me and my nap chatter.

A-ha!

Where did this come from?

Coming up next,

unravel the mysteries and danger

on... The Night Ninjas!

Oh...

Right.

Forgot about that.

I also forgot where I buried that money.

I have never felt so raw and vulnerable

in my life.

What about that time you and I drank wine,

listened to Whitney,

and you poured your heart out about...

That's a different kind of vulnerable.

Coffee?

I don't know, is it?

Can we trust you?

I'm sorry.

It's... it's been an emotional day.

The special isn't even rhino burgers, is it?

Is it?!

Steak sandwich,

and that's the honest truth.

You don't know

how much the honest truth means right now.

I found out Won has been selling me oranges

and telling me they're kumquats.

Who does that?

Maybe some people have a reason

for being... misleading.

At least you're honest with us.

Yeah, Lacey.

You're a good friend.

Yes.

I...

friend...

soup?

Another dead end.

This is a lot of work for 250 bucks.

I'm digging for, like...

a buck a hole.

Read the clue again.

All it says

is "when we were married".

August 21st.

That's eight and 21.

We've paced out eight and 21 steps

in every possible direction,

and nothing.

Why would he make that a clue?

How sure are we

that he even knows the date you got married?

You're right.

I've had to remind him of our anniversary

every year since our wedding.

I'm out of ideas.

Should we check the Kerplunk box?

I'd rather not.

Hank, Hank, Hank.

I was impressed with the little "lie-a-thon"

you put on for the cops,

but that strategy isn't gonna work on me.

Good.

How about we drop this dancing dog

and prancing pony show,

and you tell me what's going on?

I haven't got a clue.

Huh.

Pupils are fixed.

Muscles relaxed.

Breathing is regular.

Breath is rank.

What is this, a physical or an interrogation?

Get on with it.

Ooh, you're cool as a Christmas cucumber.

That's because I need your help.

You need my help?

Yeah.

Lacey and I have a secret,

and I can't remember what it is,

and it's driving me crazy.

So I need you to dig deep into my cerebral vortex,

scratch around, and help me figure it out.

Are you playing me?

I am 100% not playing you.

Well played.

This is like top-drawer three-dimensional chess.

I don't have time to learn chess!

Get in there and start poking around.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

I'm begging you.

What the hell is going on?

I don't know!

The nerve of you two,

stealing my clue to dig up your money.

You said it yourself.

It's his money,

and we're going to find it.

Ha!

You can't figure it out.

We will eventually.

Maybe if you tell me,

I'll help.

You don't know what the clue is?

You don't remember.

All I had to remember was where I hid it.

If you tell me the clue,

I'll tell you where I buried your ukulele.

You buried my ukulele?

You told me it was stolen!

By Night Ninjas!

Look, Oscar,

you don't know what the clue is,

and we can't figure it out.

I think we have to work together,

or the money will be lost forever.

All right,

he can have his stupid money.

Finally.

Okay, the clue is "When we were married."

Oh, right!

Six, then three.

Six and three is June 3rd.

We weren't married in June.

We were married on a Saturday at 3:00.

Sixth day. 3:00 p.m.

I can't believe you forgot.

I'll go pace it out.

And tell me where you buried my ukulele!

Go ask the Night Ninjas!

Nobody can find the Night Ninjas.

That's their whole thing.

Did Wanda get it out of you?

Don't feel bad.

She's a machine.

A tiny, terrifying machine.

She did her best,

but it's still locked in there.

Look, this secret is obviously eating you up.

Maybe you should confess it to me,

and then I'll confess it back to you,

and we'll all feel better.

Not all of us.

Follow me.

Yeesh, what the hell happened to you?

I don't even know.

There's a chance

I was just outsmarted by Hank.

Can I get a hemlock!?

At least you're not a couple of outliers

in a town full of liars!

Davis, Karen,

I have been lying

and hiding something from you.

Get in line.

No. I want to confess to you now.

Maybe you shouldn't.

I'm not sure I want to know.

Well, I do!

So clam up so she can tell us...

Uh, you.

Go ahead, Lacey.

A while back,

I was walking home from the Foo Mart when...

Ouch! Hey!

Ha! Catch much?

Now throw it back.

What the hell?

The cops just told me not to throw that around here.

It was my final warning.

Ah, the old panic and scram.

Classic.

That's the secret that was eating you up?

I took care of that right after it happened.

Davis, Karen, I broke your window.

I'm really sorry.

I'll pay for it.

That was back in the day

when people were honest.

Except Lacey.

Ah, so that's why I couldn't crack Hank.

There was no nut to crack.

Hank's nut-less!

Thanks, Phil.

Is this a fresh keg?

Oh, man, is it ever.

Overcompensating!

He's lying!

Yes!

My lie detecting is still on point.

Why are you two still moping?

I told you the truth.

Yeah, but the rest of the town

are still big fat liars.

Ah, get over yourselves.

Everyone lies to everyone.

Look at Helen over there.

She's lying so hard to Mavis

about how cute her ugly grandkid is,

her hands are shaking,

and Lanny's lying so hard about the fish he caught,

he's gonna throw his back out.

People aren't excluding you with their lies.

If anything, you're being included.

So we're a part

of everyone's web of deceit?

We're in-liars!

Exactly.

Hey, Zeke, nice shirt.

Thanks.

I lied.

You look stupid.

Why would you...

To liars

and the lies they lie!

There's your trust fund, ya greedy little snot.

120 bucks?

I thought you said 250.

Where's the rest?

Well, I had to buy a shovel,

and a box of cigars

so I could have something to bury the money in.

Plus I owed 40 bucks at the hardware store,

so I had to pay that

before they'd sell me the shovel.

Oh, and I had lunch.

Look at the up side.

Not only did you get 120 bucks,

you got to pay off some debt.

It wasn't your debt, but still...

and you get this shovel.

I guess it's better than nothing.

I mean, it's close, but...

You want this money to re-sod the lawn,

don't you?

Kinda, yeah.

You can have the clue.

I don't need a clue.

It was the victim's son,

behind the house,

with the shovel.

Repeatedly.

I can't believe you carried that burden of a non-secret

for so long.

I still carry the shame of running away.

Well, if it helps,

you could pay me half of what I paid

for the window.

Wait a minute.

Insurance paid for that window.

I approved it.

Then what happened to the money I paid?

We, um...

The thing is, um...

Liars!

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things You don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh...

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh...

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh...

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know ♪

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