Original subtitles

Snake!

I just saw a cobra.

I don't know what you saw, but it wasn't a cobra.

Well, I saw something,

and it looked a hell of a lot like a cobra.

A garden hose?

I know the difference between a hose and a snake.

This was a cobra.

I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

It was probably a garter snake,

and look how it's got you rattled.

Maybe it was a rattler.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

Okay, give the gutters a good cleaning,

don't just pull a few twigs out

and say you're done.

What an amazing view.

I can see my house from up here.

Your house is in the other direction.

Oh.

Well, I can see a house,

and water.

Is that the ocean?

How far are we from the ocean?

I don't know,

however wide the continent is,

divide by half.

Now, stop sightseeing and get to work.

All right, don't be bossy.

I'm doing this as a favour to you guys.

It's not so much a favour

as labour in exchange for your giant tab

you'll never pay off.

How big is my tab?

However wide the continent is,

double that.

All right!

Look alive, rookie,

this just came in over the wire.

The wire?

Okay, email,

but it's big news.

A convict escaped from prison in Alberta,

and he may be headed this way.

That's awesome!

Might get to do some actual police work.

Oh, I feel like I've been training my whole life

for this moment.

Might want to take the tape off your nose, then.

Huh?

Whoa...

Do you find business a little slow lately?

Yeah, pretty great, right?

Not great, no.

We need to find some way to promote our businesses

beyond Dog River.

Here you go again,

pushing your giant inflatable gorilla idea.

My idea?

Giant inflatable gorilla is your solution to everything.

And you've won me over.

I'll call Ape-Ape And Away.

I found a bird's nest with three eggs

up in the gutters.

Come up and see.

Or you could go up and take a picture,

and then send the picture over here

to where me and my lunch are.

Hey, we should set up a live webcam feed

so people can watch when the eggs hatch.

It could be a great online promotion.

What about a giant inflatable nest?

With baby gorillas in it?

Ha!

This is too good.

A grown man afraid of snakes.

Yeah.

"I'm Oscar. Could someone cut this up for me?

I'm afraid to bite it.

Can I have some soup instead?"

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm getting in on the mocking.

Emma said you're afraid of steaks.

I said "snakes."

Oh.

That's a bit less weird, I guess,

but, hey, mocking is mocking.

Ha! Oscar's afraid of snakes!

Course I am. They're nasty and evil.

Ever heard of the Bible?

Anyway, I just came in for a box of Corn Flakes.

We're out.

But we do have some Corn Snakes!

Where?

Seriously, though,

I did know a guy who was afraid of stakes.

His name... was Dracula.

Okay, the wind's blowing south.

So that means the sun is going to set over there,

so the best light would be...

Hey...

Golf balls?

But think how amazing it will be

to see hatchlings coming to life

right up there on our roof.

Hey, you guys...

Baby birds are pretty cute,

in an "ugly alien from another planet"

kind of way.

Ooh, we should name them.

I want to call one Peepers.

Justin Peeper.

Feather Locklear.

Birdy Rubble.

Sorry, Hank,

you wanted to tell us something?

Uh...

Uh, no, just, um...

Uh...

I'll go set up that webcam now.

Weren't you already doing that?

I was, and then...

forgot.

I don't know what to do.

The Hank Yarbo story.

There's a bird's nest up on the roof,

so Brent and Lacey

wanted me to set up a live webcam,

but surprise,

turns out they're not eggs,

just golfballs.

Think how surprised the mom was.

I was going to tell Brent and Lacey,

but they're so excited.

They're even thinking up baby bird names.

If I tell them, it'll break their hearts.

So don't tell them.

Doesn't matter what the truth is.

It matters what people believe.

Oscar believes he saw a cobra,

now he's walking around with half a load in his pants.

Brent, we need you to draw something.

Okay...

how about The Hulk versus Captain Canuck?

It'd be a closer fight than you'd think.

No, we need you to do a composite police sketch

based on a description.

Who are you describing, a criminal?

We're not at liberty to share that information,

but, yeah, escaped convict.

Keep that under your hat.

We don't want to cause a public panic,

and he may not even be around here.

We just need to be ready.

- Ready? - Ready.

Suspect is approximately six feet.

Slender build.

Grey or green hoodie.

Narrow eyes.

Do not approach, could be aggressive.

Or assertive.

Was it aggressive or assertive?

Just read the email.

I have it memorized.

We can't be out in a life- or-death situation,

and say, "Oh, could you hold on a moment,

mister violent offender?

I need to refer to the email

that outlines your characteristics."

Well, based on your description,

this is what I have.

You got that from what I said?

I mostly draw superheroes,

so that's sort of my style.

Thanks for your help.

Well, your time.

Oh, Brent, watch.

Hank is setting up the webcam on the roof.

Hmm...

How's it going up there, Hank?

It'd be going a lot better

if I didn't have to stop every 30 seconds

to talk on the phone.

Ooh, it's live.

I can see the nest.

I wonder what kind of bird laid the eggs.

They look really round.

Hey! It went away.

Hmm...

It's back.

Oh...

The picture's terrible.

Sorry about the quality.

It's a cheap camera.

The picture was good five seconds ago.

See how fast technology gets outdated?

Okay, I'm, uh, I'm coming down now.

You need to calm down.

I'm getting concerned

about how jumpy you are.

Concerned-slash-annoyed.

The nest feed is on my phone.

Lousy picture,

but I can see the eggs.

Me too.

I wonder how long

until the little critters start to hatch.

No idea.

Hey, we should start a pool.

The whole town is watching this.

I feel like I'm lying to everyone.

Relax.

With all that mud and dirt on them,

no one knows what they are.

But I know,

and I'm deceiving them.

Don't be a sap.

It's just some fun.

No one cares that much about eggs.

Hey, Lacey!

Can I get an omelette?

How dare you!

That's disgusting!

You're an animal!

Aw...

It's just a cute little squirrel.

What the hell?

That damn squirrel!

You're scared of squirrels now, too?

No, the squirrel's in cahoots with the snake.

Okay, enough.

You've always been a bit off the rails,

but now your train's a mile into the cornfield.

Brent, have you checked the egg-cam this morning?

Not yet, no, I've been pretty busy.

Yeah, you look swamped.

I'm just a little concerned about the eggs.

I haven't seen a mama bird around,

and there was that storm last night.

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much.

Those eggs look pretty resilient.

Eggs are not resilient, Hank.

They're literally made of eggshells.

Which people walk on all the time.

Go install a heat lamp.

What?

The eggs need to stay warm.

Do you want them to die?

No.

You're right.

I mean, not right, but...

What?

Nothing.

Off to go get a stupid heat lamp.

Oh, I hope the eggs will be all right.

Yeah.

You know, there was a rain storm last night.

Thanks for the update.

I'm going to check and see how the eggs are doing.

Hmm...

They look cleaner than yesterday.

I guess the rain rinsed them off.

Are those spots on the eggs?

Or... wait,

are those dimples?

Those aren't eggs, they're golf balls.

Ha! Hank's been playing den mother

to a bunch of golf balls.

I can't wait to see his face

when he finds out.

When who finds out what?

Wait, there he is.

Is he setting up a heat lamp?

Oh, my God, he still thinks they're eggs.

What do you mean, "thinks"?

They're golf balls. See?

No... they can't be.

Wow,

Hank is even stupider than we thought.

Even more than we thought?

Hard to quantify, but yes.

Stay sharp, Karen.

That convict could be holing up in town.

Yeah...

If you were an escaped convict,

what's the first thing you'd do?

I'd go to the local blacksmith

and get him to break my leg irons.

Okay.

What would you do if this wasn't 1920?

The eggs on the roof aren't eggs,

they're golf balls.

Really? That's weird.

It's not weird, it's bad.

I mean, it is weird now that you mention it.

Should we take a moment

to address why there are golf balls on the roof?

Nah, we're short on time.

Short on time? Well, okay.

My point is, everyone is making fun of Hank.

Hank is used to getting teased.

I'm sure it's all in good fun.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hey, Hank.

How are your little chickadees doing?

Yeah, remind me,

are there three eggs up there, or...

Fore!

Yeah, uh, just letting you know

that the eggs are safe and warm under the heat lamp.

Probably be hatching any month now,

or however long eggs take to hatch.

Nine months?

Uh, maybe more.

Okay, well, uh,

good talking to you guys.

I'd better take off.

I got a lot going on with my, uh...

various...

enterprises...

He still thinks they're eggs!

That is a whole new level of stupid.

Hey, come on.

See?

We need to tell him.

No, just let it play out.

He'll figure it out on his own time,

and then that'll let him save face.

And how long until he figures it out?

I don't know.

Before nine months, I'm sure.

Hey, Emma. How's it...

Whoa, you look like hell.

I'm exhausted.

Oscar kept me up all night.

At his age?

Impressive.

What?

No. God, no.

This snake thing has him screaming in his sleep,

and it's annoying as hell.

He's always been annoying,

but now his train is past the corn.

His train is past the corn?

I don't know, it made sense last night.

Okay, well, it may surprise you to learn

I know a little bit about this.

That's the whole reason I'm here.

I figured you'd have a PhD in snake therapy

or something.

There's no such thing

as a PhD in snake therapy.

It's a diploma,

and, yes, I have completed the program.

Can you explain

why we're staking out Helen's clothesline?

Because an escaped convict is gonna need a disguise,

so he'll be looking for a clothesline

to steal clothes from.

You really need to see

some more contemporary prison movies.

Hey!

Are you ogling my undergarments?

You nasty little nymphos!

That's underwear?

I thought it was a fitted sheet.

Hey, Brent,

you wanna put a bet down on the egg pool?

I don't think golfballs hatch, Rheena.

You might want to Google that.

We changed the pool.

Now we're taking bets

on when Hank will realize how stupid he is.

Oh. Well, that's nice, Mavis.

No, thanks.

They really have ramped up the jerkiness,

haven't they?

You're right, we should tell Hank.

No, you were right.

We can't tell him now.

It's gone on too long.

He'll be super embarrassed,

but I think I know a way for Hank to save face

and teach them a lesson.

Oh.

Well, there's the problem.

Well, I guess I'll just check the ol' webcam

and see how the nest is doing.

See if Hank has come to his senses.

Wow, the picture's way better now,

and wait just one minute here,

it appears

that those are not golf balls after all,

but are rather, indeed, eggs.

"Rather indeed"?

Well, I'll be an uncle's monkey.

Oh, they really are eggs after all.

Eh, seems you guys were a little heavy-handed

with your mocking of Hank,

while I, it can be noted, did no mocking whatsoever.

"It can be noted"?

Maybe we were a little hard on Hank.

You're right, you do suck.

I didn't say we...

Apology accepted,

on behalf of Hank.

And you all suck.

That's also from Hank.

All right, I'm here.

What do you want?

Wanda's going to help you

get over your snake problem.

That way, I can get some sleep.

Did I mention I wasn't sleeping?

Nine times.

I'm going to go nap in the car.

Okay, Oscar,

the first step

is for you to stop looking at yourself

as the victim,

and think of yourself as the predator.

Like in that Schwarzenegger movie?

No, although I would love to see you in dreadlocks.

Think of yourself as a snake's natural predator.

A mongoose.

A man-goose?

Is that like a werewolf?

That'd be a were-goose!

Did I say were-goose?

Forget it.

Just close your eyes,

and your mouth,

and open your mind.

You are a fierce feral carnivore.

You were born to do one thing...

kill your enemy,

the scaly slithering snake.

Now, open your eyes.

No, no, you're the predator!

Hey, Wanda.

Hank...

Why the sour puss?

You look like you swallowed a sock.

It's the eggs.

Everyone's excited for them to hatch,

which they won't,

and it's killing me.

Well, good news.

You're not fooling anyone.

Everybody already knows they're golf balls,

and they all just think you're a moron.

What?

Yeah, they're even taking bets

to see how long before you figure it out.

But I already figured it out.

I was just doing this for Brent and Lacey,

to protect their feelings.

Oh, they're in on it, too.

What?

I was doing this for them,

and they just left me hanging

so everyone can make fun of me?

Those jerks!

Glad I could help.

Gotta go.

There's others who need my assistance.

Sometimes I think I give too much.

Makin' fun of me..

Maybe it's time I show everyone

just how stupid Hank Yarbo is.

Ow!

Okay, now it's time.

What was that?

Was that a hiss?

That's a bowl of mints.

It's not even snake-shaped.

Your therapy is garbage.

Time to try a different approach.

Let's get cognitive up in here.

Get what?

We'll put Oscar in a situation

where he's dealing with his fear

before he even knows he's dealing with it.

How do you do that?

First, you trap a snake in a box.

Two, you make a hole in that box.

C, he puts his hand in the box...

Are you rapping at me?

You never saw that sketch?

What time do you go to bed Saturday nights?

9:30.

Oh.

You're probably not their target demo.

Just tell me where Oscar was when he saw the snake.

Weird to think Hank was right all along.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be a bit nicer to him

from now on.

I think you all should be.

I wonder where Hank is.

His truck is outside.

Hello out there in TV land.

It's Hank here...

or should I say Stupid Hank,

because I'm so stupid,

I don't know one thing from another.

In fact,

why don't you all come outside,

and I'll show you

just how stupid I really am.

Step on up, folks.

It's time to check

on these sweet little birdie's eggs.

Look at them, so small, so fragile.

Maybe it's time for a little...

Texas Scramble!

- Hank, don't! - We already...

Fore!

- No! - Why?

-No!

Good thing we didn't tell him the truth.

This is much less traumatizing.

A-ha!

Gotcha!

This is less exciting than I thought it would be.

Are you sure they said

the suspect was headed this way?

They said "he may be in the area,"

if I recall correctly.

No offense, but your recall is a little suspect itself.

No, I remember.

It said he was thin, aggressive,

good at hiding,

has retractable fangs, only eats...

Hang on, "retractable fangs"?

Show me the actual email.

Wow.

So it's safe to say you didn't read this,

ya sort of skimmed it.

Okay, Oscar,

I have placed a harmless rubber tube

inside this box.

You're going to put your hand in it

and pet it.

How is petting a tube going to help?

Who's the non-licensed therapist here?

P.S. It's a live snake.

Once he realizes

he's been petting an actual snake,

he won't be afraid anymore.

This diploma program,

did you pass it or fail it?

What kind of rubber is this?

It's leathery.

Attention, Citizens of Dog River!

Be advised that a venomous cobra

escaped from the custody of an Alberta zoo employee

as he was driving through this area.

Repeat, a live cobra,

six feet long,

green and grey hood,

not hoodie.

Be on the lookout.

What are they saying?

Something about a cookout?

Cobra! Cobra!

Live cobra!

It's a live cobra?

Ha, ha, ha!

So I was right all along!

Now who's the idiot?

Well, you still have your hand

inside the cobra box...

Ah, ah, ah!

Stay down, Kai.

You named your cobra "Kai"?

Yeah, pretty clever, eh?

I'm a bit of a movie buff.

Have you seen "Get Out"?

Because I think your snake has.

Oh, you don't have to worry about Kai.

Yes, he is venomous,

and sure, he can be aggressive,

but that's only around people he doesn't know.

Uh... he doesn't know us.

Have you reached out?

Made an effort?

You can't put this all on him.

No, no, Kai, they don't hate you.

They just don't know you.

Besides, you don't need these hicks.

Let's get back to the city.

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh...

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh...

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh...

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know ♪

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