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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,248 --> 00:00:04,248 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 2 00:00:05,249 --> 00:00:07,939 This is terrible. 3 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,308 Not the beer, you nobsicle, this! 4 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:11,777 Bad news out of Wullerton. 5 00:00:12,979 --> 00:00:14,779 Their weekly newspaper is shutting down. 6 00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:16,048 Poor Wullerton. 7 00:00:17,383 --> 00:00:19,417 Yup, papers are either going digital 8 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,085 or they're dying. It's all the rage. 9 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:24,356 What are you doing, conducting an invisible choir? 10 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,223 Waving down a tiny waitress? 11 00:00:26,225 --> 00:00:29,428 - A third thing that's funnier? - Well, by my air calculations, 12 00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:31,796 our paper must be on the chopping block too. 13 00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:34,899 What? That paper is the lifeblood of this town! 14 00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:38,169 We need to save it. Who's with me? 15 00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:42,440 I said, who's with me?! 16 00:00:44,476 --> 00:00:48,312 I say let it die. Kill the paper, kill the paperboy! 17 00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:51,415 Hmm, murdering a child seems a tad harsh, 18 00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:54,677 - even for you. - Oh, please, that boy is a monster. 19 00:00:55,020 --> 00:00:57,488 Top of the morning, Mr. Leroy! 20 00:00:58,590 --> 00:00:59,791 Ooh! 21 00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:01,759 That was no accident. 22 00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:05,796 Oh, uh, yes, dear. Save the Howler! 23 00:01:07,366 --> 00:01:10,368 I'll kill that paper if it's the last thing I do. 24 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:12,670 You're going against Mom, so it probably will be. 25 00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:16,307 ♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪ 26 00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:19,577 ♪ Look closer, baby You're so wrong ♪ 27 00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:22,980 2x05 - Paper Sashay 28 00:01:24,483 --> 00:01:27,386 - How was breakfast? - Well, I don't mean to complain, 29 00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:29,954 but I ordered bacon and eggs, you gave me eggs and bacon. 30 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,622 Yeah, I turned the plate around. 31 00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:33,758 It's like having breakfast in Australia. 32 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,061 Ooh, exotic. Can I get a coffee to go? 33 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:37,795 Oh. I'm swamped. How about I bring it by later? 34 00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:40,798 - Whatever you say, City Walk. - "City Walk"? 35 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,301 - Wh-what does that mean? - Nothin'. 36 00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:44,935 Don't go all Lacey on me. 37 00:01:44,937 --> 00:01:48,551 "Go all Lacey"? What does that mean? Wha...? 38 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,575 If we're gonna save the Howler, 39 00:01:50,576 --> 00:01:52,543 we need to help it generate revenue. 40 00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:55,312 Okay, but why do you care about the paper so much? 41 00:01:55,314 --> 00:01:57,114 I have my reasons. 42 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,384 - Why do you care? - Crossword. 43 00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,485 You do the Howler crossword? 44 00:02:01,487 --> 00:02:04,121 It's my 30-second warm-up for the Times crossword. 45 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:06,490 You've got to crawl before you perambulate. 46 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:11,863 Aah! 47 00:02:11,864 --> 00:02:14,364 Not again! 48 00:02:14,365 --> 00:02:17,868 Officer under attack. Officer under attack! 49 00:02:17,869 --> 00:02:21,739 What is it with that crow? That is the third time this week. 50 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:22,974 Maybe you smell like a worm. 51 00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:25,544 - Ever think of that? - Not even once. 52 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:30,147 Oh, hey, more homemade muffins. 53 00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:32,283 Is this the orgasmic gluttony kind? 54 00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:34,318 Organic and gluten free? Yes. 55 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,021 Oh. All right. 56 00:02:39,257 --> 00:02:41,158 I've got a plan to kill the paperboy. 57 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,394 Okay, step one, count me out. 58 00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:45,496 You can't be out. It was your idea. 59 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,899 My idea? I've always been very against murder. 60 00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:49,901 It's kind of my thing. 61 00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:53,371 I just mean kill the paper. You're going to help me do 62 00:02:53,372 --> 00:02:55,706 one of those digital in-line news things. 63 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,275 Step two, no, I'm not. 64 00:02:57,276 --> 00:03:01,045 - I'll pay you. Five bucks. - Tempting offer, but sadly, 65 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,582 I've sent my computer to the Internet for repairs, 66 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,984 - so... no. - I'll take that as a yes. 67 00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:09,053 Oh, and step three, don't tell your mother. 68 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:14,592 Step four, continue searching for biological father. 69 00:03:17,395 --> 00:03:19,497 Buy whipped cream, ketchup, eggs. 70 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,298 Whipped cream, ketchup, eggs. 71 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,101 "Going all Lacey"? What does that even mean? 72 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,870 Is he saying I get inside my own head? 73 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,273 I don't get inside my own... Dammit, Lacey! 74 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:32,943 City Walk? I mean, I don't have a city walk. 75 00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:35,247 Wait, what is a city walk? Brent's just so... 76 00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:36,548 Oh. Dammit, Lacey! 77 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,242 Well, at least I don't walk like that. 78 00:03:43,488 --> 00:03:46,657 - You okay? - A crow keeps dive-bombing me. 79 00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:49,060 That wasn't a crow. It's just my ringtone. 80 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:53,932 - That's like nails on a chalkboard. - Oh, I have that one too! 81 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:57,268 Oh, I must've changed that. 82 00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,837 Anyway, if you're having crow trouble, 83 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,507 - I'm an expert. - I find that hard to believe. 84 00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,075 Nah, I've got the whole kit. 85 00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:06,912 Nerf gun and, uh... other stuff. 86 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,847 Fine, you can help, but only because I'm desperate. 87 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:13,918 - Oh, I specialize in desperate. - Now, that I believe. 88 00:04:16,121 --> 00:04:17,355 Oh, hey, Mom. 89 00:04:17,356 --> 00:04:18,989 Dad told me not to tell you something. 90 00:04:18,991 --> 00:04:21,186 - What is it? - He wants me to help him 91 00:04:21,229 --> 00:04:23,160 kill the Howler by setting up an online version. 92 00:04:24,229 --> 00:04:27,032 I should have married Wilbur Watson when I had the chance. 93 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,534 - Who's he? - A guy who died years ago 94 00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:31,201 and isn't causing me any problems. 95 00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:33,371 Well, don't worry, Dad's not going to pull this off, 96 00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:35,839 - because I'm not going to help him. - Yes, you will. 97 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:39,176 The best way to make anything fail is to put your dad in charge. 98 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:42,681 Oh, and Corner Gas needs to buy an ad in the Howler. 99 00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:46,150 Why would I advertise in a paper people come here to buy? 100 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,118 Because your mother would like you to. 101 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,821 Full page ad, done. Love you, Mommy. 102 00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:58,429 Hank's got a loose definition of "expert." 103 00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:00,364 I don't see this ending well. 104 00:05:01,099 --> 00:05:02,968 Gotcha! 105 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,136 Uh-oh. 106 00:05:06,138 --> 00:05:08,540 - Ooh... - Not the eyes! 107 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:11,075 Oh, right in the eyes! 108 00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:15,512 That's three businesses who've bought ads in the Howler. 109 00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:18,183 I asked at the liquor store. They kicked me out. 110 00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,517 Maybe you didn't ask nicely enough. 111 00:05:21,186 --> 00:05:26,457 - Now's your chance. - And a good day to you, Won, 112 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:29,526 valued local business owner. 113 00:05:29,528 --> 00:05:32,027 - What's wrong with your mouth? - How'd you like 114 00:05:32,028 --> 00:05:35,799 to increase foot traffic in your fine establishment 115 00:05:35,801 --> 00:05:40,070 by purchasing an advertisement in the Howler? 116 00:05:40,072 --> 00:05:42,307 No, thanks. We're plenty busy. 117 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:45,443 Just sold some whipped cream, ketchup, and eggs, as a matter of fact. 118 00:05:45,444 --> 00:05:49,380 Nice dairy cooler. Is that new? 119 00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,982 You know, I think I will buy an ad. 120 00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,252 Half page, maybe? Full? 121 00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:57,554 - Okay, done. - You're a peach. 122 00:05:57,556 --> 00:05:59,758 See? You catch more flies with honey. 123 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:02,259 Sure, if the honey is terrifying. 124 00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:03,662 Got any tape? 125 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,096 I read that sticking eyes on the back of your head 126 00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:08,132 will stop a crow from attacking you. 127 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:11,635 Smart. Make it think you're a giant mutant spider. 128 00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:14,071 No. Crows attack from the rear. 129 00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:17,042 - Four eyes? No rear. - Always been my motto. 130 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,110 - Your tape in here? - No! 131 00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:22,246 Hey... aren't you eating my muffins? 132 00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,750 I'm... saving them. To binge eat. 133 00:06:25,751 --> 00:06:28,752 Really? Why not binge-eat one now? 134 00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:30,155 O...kay. 135 00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:32,624 Mmm... can't wait. 136 00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,225 Karen! Look over there! 137 00:06:34,926 --> 00:06:36,768 - Really? - That was your fault. 138 00:06:36,803 --> 00:06:39,103 You supposed to look over there. 139 00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:41,933 Hey! He likes my muffins! 140 00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:44,502 Great! Share the wealth. 141 00:06:45,303 --> 00:06:47,071 Come on. 142 00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,110 I brought our computer from home. 143 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:55,279 Now we can get down to business. 144 00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:57,314 No, you just brought the monitor. 145 00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,450 You need to get the actual computer, 146 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,052 and the keyboard, and the mouse. 147 00:07:02,621 --> 00:07:04,856 There. Now can we start? 148 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,557 Fine, but let's use this one. 149 00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:09,359 - I thought you didn't... - Yeah, yeah, the Internet sent it back. 150 00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:11,962 Wow, that Internet is fast. 151 00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,131 Well, they use lasers and what-have-you... 152 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:17,201 Anyway, first step to getting the Howler online 153 00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:19,569 is you retyping all the articles. 154 00:07:22,173 --> 00:07:25,710 Why are you walking like that? Ooh, did you get a horse? 155 00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:28,679 No, I'm just feeling a little self-conscious. 156 00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:31,082 Brent said that I have a... city walk. 157 00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:32,150 Uh-huh, and...? 158 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,719 So it's true? I have a city walk? 159 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,353 Well, it ain't a country walk. 160 00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:40,023 - There's a difference? - Ho-hokay, yeah. 161 00:07:40,025 --> 00:07:41,326 There is a difference. 162 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,495 - I can teach you if you want. - Okay. 163 00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:46,731 So what do I do that makes mine a city walk? 164 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:47,865 Too much bounce! 165 00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:49,067 Got a stick up yer butt! 166 00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:51,568 Quit hip-wagglin', ya floozy! 167 00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:54,572 I was asking Davis. Geez... 168 00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:56,876 They're not wrong. 169 00:07:59,894 --> 00:08:03,162 Okay, I want to watch you walk. 170 00:08:03,164 --> 00:08:06,800 And I want you to find a less creepy way to phrase that. 171 00:08:06,801 --> 00:08:09,236 I'm just analyzing your bio-motion. 172 00:08:11,405 --> 00:08:14,308 Uh-huh... interesting. 173 00:08:14,309 --> 00:08:16,477 Rapid pace. Rolled shoulders. 174 00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:20,313 - And... squat. - And we're back to creepy. 175 00:08:20,315 --> 00:08:24,350 - I'm not squatting in public. - It's for science. 176 00:08:25,452 --> 00:08:27,688 You look like a dog pooping. 177 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:29,256 And creepy becomes gross! 178 00:08:29,257 --> 00:08:31,424 - Can I walk country now? - Patience! 179 00:08:31,425 --> 00:08:34,594 To truly walk country, you must learn them all... 180 00:08:34,596 --> 00:08:36,997 the Backwoods Boxstep, the Jealous Jaunt, 181 00:08:36,998 --> 00:08:39,733 the Hayseed Hip Thrust, the Poky Yokel. 182 00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:42,001 I'll never be able to do all that. 183 00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:47,240 Believe in yourself, Lacey-san. Walk on, walk off... 184 00:08:47,242 --> 00:08:49,675 Now, there's one thing left to do... 185 00:08:49,677 --> 00:08:52,045 I've seen that movie, and I'm not washing your car. 186 00:08:52,046 --> 00:08:54,046 Then there are no things left to do. 187 00:08:54,048 --> 00:08:56,338 Unless you want to paint my fence? 188 00:08:58,619 --> 00:09:03,055 Hang back a little. I'm doing this one Emma-style. 189 00:09:03,057 --> 00:09:05,391 By "Emma-style," you mean sweetly? 190 00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:09,630 Hey, Wanda. What's up? 191 00:09:09,631 --> 00:09:12,499 Howler subscription, that's what's up. 192 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:15,002 Maybe you'll play this smart and buy one. 193 00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,636 That's a nice doorbell. 194 00:09:16,638 --> 00:09:18,638 Shame if you should wake up one day 195 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,240 and it don't "bing-bong" no more. 196 00:09:22,810 --> 00:09:25,378 Hey, whoa, do I amuse you? 197 00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:26,980 Am I your circus clown? 198 00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:28,648 Should I twist up a funny balloon poodle 199 00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:31,919 - for your entertainment? - Hey, Emma, 200 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,487 have you heard Wanda's Joe Pesci impression? 201 00:09:34,489 --> 00:09:37,723 Sounds more like Phyllis Diller doing Joe Piscopo. 202 00:09:37,725 --> 00:09:41,795 But seriously, Rheena. Rheens... 203 00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:44,331 - About the Howler... - A subscription? 204 00:09:44,332 --> 00:09:46,466 Sign me up. Okay, bye! 205 00:09:48,436 --> 00:09:51,604 - See? - You really don't hear it? 206 00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:54,774 ...and then I was like "If you don't value my authentic self, 207 00:09:54,776 --> 00:09:58,273 you don't deserve a third date." 208 00:09:58,712 --> 00:10:02,754 Stay perfectly still if you think I did the right thing. 209 00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:05,651 You're so supportive. 210 00:10:07,422 --> 00:10:09,221 Get your filthy wings off her! 211 00:10:10,858 --> 00:10:13,393 - You scared Edgar away! - Edgar? 212 00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:16,129 Edgar Allen Crow? We're friends now. 213 00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:18,764 So... you don't want me to get rid of him? 214 00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:20,466 No, he's a great listener. 215 00:10:20,468 --> 00:10:24,264 Okay. Weird, but okay. 216 00:10:25,105 --> 00:10:26,206 You know what's weirder? 217 00:10:26,207 --> 00:10:28,474 You never thought of "Russell Crow." 218 00:10:28,476 --> 00:10:31,877 I did! It was too obvious! 219 00:10:34,014 --> 00:10:38,417 There, that should do it. May I present the Online Howler. 220 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:40,720 "Insert headline here"? 221 00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:44,057 - That's not a very catchy lead story. - It's just a template. 222 00:10:44,058 --> 00:10:45,691 You need to paste in the stories you typed up. 223 00:10:45,693 --> 00:10:48,562 Here? Oop! Where'd it go? 224 00:10:48,563 --> 00:10:51,564 You just deleted everything I did over the last two hours. 225 00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:54,501 ...and template's finished. Again. 226 00:10:54,502 --> 00:10:56,202 Whoa, whoa, you touch nothing. 227 00:10:56,204 --> 00:10:57,903 I'll do the cutting and pasting. 228 00:10:57,905 --> 00:10:59,406 Which one do you want to do first? 229 00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:03,109 "Ragweed on the Rise, Homegrown Terror!" 230 00:11:03,111 --> 00:11:05,144 Bah, that's a little bland. 231 00:11:05,146 --> 00:11:07,080 Bland? It's got the word "terror" in it. 232 00:11:07,081 --> 00:11:09,916 Needs some spice. "Agro-Armageddon! 233 00:11:09,917 --> 00:11:13,253 - Death in the Dirt." - Yeah, that's some pepper. 234 00:11:14,856 --> 00:11:17,923 - Should be a "y" in that. - It's not "army-geddon." 235 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,027 ...then my eczema flared up. 236 00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:22,795 You're right, it probably was the dairy. 237 00:11:22,797 --> 00:11:24,997 - Whenever I have... - Hey, guys! 238 00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:26,533 ...I'll tell you later. 239 00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:29,903 Peace offering. I figured all three of us could hang out. 240 00:11:29,904 --> 00:11:31,304 Hank, we're having a conversation. 241 00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:33,172 Great, what are we talking about? 242 00:11:33,174 --> 00:11:35,041 Girl stuff? Bird stuff? 243 00:11:35,043 --> 00:11:36,942 You know, in England, it's the same thing. 244 00:11:36,944 --> 00:11:39,445 It's a private conversation between me and Cameron. 245 00:11:39,447 --> 00:11:42,948 Cameron? Oh! I get it. 246 00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:48,318 Okay, then. Uh, guess I'll just, uh, leave you to it. 247 00:11:48,755 --> 00:11:52,658 Where were we? Oh, right, skin conditions. 248 00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:55,861 And shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. 249 00:11:55,863 --> 00:12:00,032 - Slower, shufflier... - Can I have my soup? 250 00:12:00,034 --> 00:12:03,036 We've covered shuffling, slouching, and the scratch 'n' walk. 251 00:12:03,037 --> 00:12:06,039 - I'm ready to put 'em all together. - Are you mad? 252 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,973 That's too much to concentrate on, 253 00:12:07,975 --> 00:12:10,543 and we all know you're not a great multitasker. 254 00:12:10,545 --> 00:12:12,411 Not a great multitasker? 255 00:12:12,413 --> 00:12:14,915 What does that mean? And why am I holding soup? 256 00:12:15,983 --> 00:12:19,819 - Lacey? Hello? - Oh, sorry, here you go. 257 00:12:19,821 --> 00:12:21,487 Hey, Nate, what can I get you? 258 00:12:25,926 --> 00:12:28,828 Oh, well, if it isn't Mr. Popular. 259 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,530 Thought you were hanging out with your best friend, Karen. 260 00:12:31,532 --> 00:12:34,767 Hmm? Oh, you like this? 261 00:12:34,769 --> 00:12:37,537 Swedish army knife. It's like a Swiss army knife, 262 00:12:37,538 --> 00:12:40,556 but instead of a nail file, it has a "nagelfile." 263 00:12:40,941 --> 00:12:44,110 You know, you are a good listener, little fÃ¥gel. 264 00:12:44,112 --> 00:12:46,445 That's "bird" in Swedish. 265 00:12:46,447 --> 00:12:48,949 Hey! Stop! Thief! 266 00:12:48,950 --> 00:12:51,050 Why, you little gÃ¤rningsmannen... 267 00:12:51,052 --> 00:12:52,619 Geez, I know a lot of Swedish. 268 00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:56,622 ...and that's how the Nazis invented recycling! 269 00:12:56,624 --> 00:13:01,026 I'm Oscar Leroy, and that's my Digital Two Cents. 270 00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,261 You get all that? 271 00:13:02,262 --> 00:13:05,097 I wouldn't say I get it, but I wrote it all down. 272 00:13:05,099 --> 00:13:07,428 Enough dithering. It's time to share this 273 00:13:07,429 --> 00:13:09,693 on-the-line newspaper with the world! 274 00:13:09,694 --> 00:13:12,057 Sure. You wanna do a quick spell-check or... 275 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:15,207 - Publish. - I admire your passion. 276 00:13:15,209 --> 00:13:17,176 I'd like to report a robbery 277 00:13:17,178 --> 00:13:20,213 - perpetrated by your CFF. - CFF? 278 00:13:20,214 --> 00:13:25,017 - Your Crow Friend Forever is a thief! - CFF... clever. 279 00:13:25,019 --> 00:13:27,721 Calm down, Hank. You're just jealous 280 00:13:27,722 --> 00:13:29,890 because I'm friends with Chad, and you're not. 281 00:13:29,891 --> 00:13:32,526 I'm not jealous, I... Chad? 282 00:13:32,527 --> 00:13:35,061 - Chad Crowger. - Oh-ho-ho, good one. 283 00:13:35,062 --> 00:13:36,896 But I'm serious, he robbed me. 284 00:13:36,898 --> 00:13:38,331 My prints are all over that knife. 285 00:13:38,332 --> 00:13:40,533 What if he kills someone and frames me? 286 00:13:40,535 --> 00:13:42,902 They don't call it a "murder of crows" for nothing. 287 00:13:42,904 --> 00:13:45,906 Whatever. I don't appreciate you 288 00:13:45,907 --> 00:13:48,040 spreading rumours about my friend. 289 00:13:48,042 --> 00:13:51,011 Your friend is a thief, and I'm gonna prove it. 290 00:13:52,446 --> 00:13:54,780 Have you read the online Howler? 291 00:13:54,782 --> 00:13:57,184 It's a riot. Hey! 292 00:13:57,185 --> 00:14:00,019 "Save your heating bill, Support Global Warming." 293 00:14:00,021 --> 00:14:02,721 "Brexit is the most important meal of the day." 294 00:14:02,723 --> 00:14:05,925 - That's my lunatic. - Wow, this trash is even worse 295 00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:07,327 than the original Howler. 296 00:14:07,328 --> 00:14:10,229 But for some reason, people love it. 297 00:14:10,231 --> 00:14:13,099 Oh right. People love trash. 298 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,427 This is all Brent's fault. 299 00:14:16,469 --> 00:14:19,039 Hey, Davis! I've been doing a little practicing, 300 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,607 and I've got a surprise for you. 301 00:14:21,609 --> 00:14:23,944 - Is it cake? - Just watch. 302 00:14:23,945 --> 00:14:26,178 Foot drag, slouch, 303 00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:29,582 lazy turn, shuffle, and... 304 00:14:29,616 --> 00:14:31,985 - Oh! - Not the Hayseed Hip Thrust! 305 00:14:31,986 --> 00:14:33,019 Ooh... 306 00:14:34,188 --> 00:14:37,017 Floozy down! 307 00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:43,598 I can't believe you'd help your own father. 308 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,000 You told me to. How was I supposed to know 309 00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:48,002 the digital Howler would be a runaway hit? 310 00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:49,371 It's a hit? 311 00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:53,275 My free paper-free paper's a hit! Rot in hell, Jeff! 312 00:14:53,276 --> 00:14:55,511 - Who's Jeff? - The paperboy, I'm assuming. 313 00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:57,679 Oscar, you're interfering with our mission 314 00:14:57,681 --> 00:15:01,516 to save the newspaper. Shut. It. Down. 315 00:15:01,518 --> 00:15:04,587 - Dream. On. Woman. - Please? 316 00:15:04,588 --> 00:15:07,589 Fine. Dream. On. Please. 317 00:15:07,591 --> 00:15:09,591 This isn't over. 318 00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,927 Well, well, well. 319 00:15:12,929 --> 00:15:15,897 It appears intimidation doesn't always work. 320 00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:18,132 Maybe it's time we shift gears 321 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:21,336 and use a little of the old Wanda Dollard intellect. 322 00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:23,305 - Get the door. - Right away. 323 00:15:24,207 --> 00:15:28,476 Wow... that chiropractor was a-mazing. 324 00:15:28,478 --> 00:15:31,080 - So you're all better now? - Yep. 325 00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:34,382 - Great. - Oh, look at these beautiful walks. 326 00:15:34,384 --> 00:15:36,684 Upright, paced for success. 327 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,708 These are my people. Merging! 328 00:15:39,743 --> 00:15:42,591 Lacey, slow down! Have I taught you nothing? 329 00:15:42,592 --> 00:15:45,526 - Oh! - On your left, Hayseed! 330 00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:46,996 So how about this? 331 00:15:46,997 --> 00:15:50,431 "Laser Eye Surgery Gives Local Man Laser Vision, 332 00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,935 - says unnamed source." - What are you talking about? 333 00:15:52,936 --> 00:15:55,638 Headline for the next Digital Howler. We've got to start now. 334 00:15:55,639 --> 00:15:58,073 Another one? We just did one! 335 00:15:58,074 --> 00:15:59,707 And we have to do one every week 336 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,543 - until the end of time. - Oh. To hell with that. 337 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:05,813 There's got to be a more efficient way to kill the paperboy. 338 00:16:05,815 --> 00:16:07,482 You could put poison in his... 339 00:16:07,484 --> 00:16:09,817 H-Hang on, I'm not helping you with that. 340 00:16:09,819 --> 00:16:12,254 Look, for the last time, the paperboy is not your enemy. 341 00:16:12,255 --> 00:16:14,032 Says you. There's something shifty 342 00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:16,485 about that knot-knockin' news-slinger. 343 00:16:16,492 --> 00:16:17,893 So what, we're not doing this anymore? 344 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:21,696 Nope. The Online Howler is officially dead. 345 00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:24,899 This is a cease and desist letter. 346 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,769 If you publish one more word in the Online Howler, 347 00:16:27,771 --> 00:16:29,871 the real Howler will sue you 348 00:16:29,872 --> 00:16:32,874 - for misrepresentation. - Okay. 349 00:16:33,776 --> 00:16:34,843 We won! 350 00:16:34,844 --> 00:16:38,213 How did you get the cease and desist so quickly? 351 00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,349 I didn't. This is my phone bill. 352 00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:44,018 See? Intellect over intimidation. 353 00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:46,454 Threatening a lawsuit isn't intimidation? 354 00:16:46,456 --> 00:16:50,324 Okay... but it's intellectual intimidation. 355 00:16:50,326 --> 00:16:52,593 Okay... city walk. 356 00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:55,630 Shoulders back, chest out, heel-toe, heel-toe, 357 00:16:55,632 --> 00:16:57,032 eyes forward, stick up butt. 358 00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:59,300 Hey, I think I'm getting the hang... 359 00:16:59,302 --> 00:17:00,235 Ah! 360 00:17:01,304 --> 00:17:03,404 My back. 361 00:17:05,554 --> 00:17:06,981 What are you doing? 362 00:17:07,016 --> 00:17:09,411 Catching a thief, claw-handed, 363 00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:12,513 - with this GoPro. - You mean CrowPro? 364 00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:14,315 Geez, you're obsessed with puns. 365 00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:16,184 Here's the plan... crow approaches, 366 00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:18,052 lured by sexy decoy girl crow, 367 00:17:18,054 --> 00:17:20,154 flies into certified crow-catching net, 368 00:17:20,156 --> 00:17:22,590 where I attach the GoPro to said criminal. 369 00:17:22,592 --> 00:17:23,992 Crow flies back to nest, 370 00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:26,828 providing video evidence of the location of my knife. 371 00:17:26,830 --> 00:17:28,363 All you're missing is an anvil, 372 00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,531 and a tunnel painted on the side of a cliff. 373 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:32,633 How are you going to attach the GoPro to the crow? 374 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,203 ACME bird glue? 375 00:17:34,204 --> 00:17:37,232 I've created a custom harness that... 376 00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:39,207 Hey, he took my GoPro! 377 00:17:39,209 --> 00:17:42,176 Oh. Awesome, he took my GoPro! 378 00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:46,348 - Hey, Nick! Good news. - Suitcase? 379 00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:47,950 Don't tell me the Howler's shutting down 380 00:17:47,951 --> 00:17:49,351 and you're moving away. 381 00:17:49,352 --> 00:17:51,385 Shutting down? Hardly. 382 00:17:51,386 --> 00:17:53,087 We just had the best week of our lives! 383 00:17:53,089 --> 00:17:54,455 Really? 384 00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:56,758 There was a huge surge in out-of-town subscriptions 385 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,060 because of Oscar's trashy online Howler. 386 00:17:59,062 --> 00:18:01,829 It's got readers in high places. 387 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,865 Now some online rag is saying 388 00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:07,235 I'm responsible for sea monsters on the prairie. 389 00:18:07,237 --> 00:18:08,537 Sea monsters? 390 00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:10,938 I mean, do people just make up whatever they want 391 00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:13,475 - and call it "news"? - Pretty much, yeah. 392 00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:17,078 Unbelievable. What a time to be Prime Minister. 393 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,380 It's been a real boon to the business, 394 00:18:19,382 --> 00:18:22,216 so we're going on a vacation to Greece. 395 00:18:22,218 --> 00:18:26,220 But one good week wouldn't cover your annual losses. 396 00:18:26,222 --> 00:18:27,588 What losses? 397 00:18:27,589 --> 00:18:29,057 We own the building, we've got plenty of supplies, 398 00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:30,892 and the paper only costs pennies to print. 399 00:18:30,894 --> 00:18:33,517 Plus, we've always sold corn liquor out the back door. 400 00:18:33,551 --> 00:18:36,164 - That... that's off the record. - Bah... 401 00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:38,232 I forgot to factor moonshine into my calculations. 402 00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:40,001 Hey, Emma, thank Oscar for me. 403 00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:44,172 I hope his digital paper goes on forever. 404 00:18:44,174 --> 00:18:48,075 Wow! That chiropractor was amazing. 405 00:18:48,077 --> 00:18:50,444 Oh. Let's get out of here and go home. 406 00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:53,115 Sure, but maybe, to get safely to the car, 407 00:18:53,116 --> 00:18:56,285 we split the difference between a country walk and a city walk. 408 00:18:56,286 --> 00:19:00,655 - Suburban stroll? - All right! 409 00:19:03,026 --> 00:19:05,926 So that's what you've been up to... 410 00:19:06,995 --> 00:19:10,498 - Told ya it stole my knife. - Yeah, but look at all my muffins! 411 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:14,001 - He loves them. - He's not a he, he's a she, 412 00:19:14,003 --> 00:19:15,903 and she is using your muffins 413 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,805 to build a nest for her babies. 414 00:19:17,807 --> 00:19:21,209 Aw... So no one likes my muffins? 415 00:19:21,211 --> 00:19:24,913 - A true friend would eat your muffin. - Amen, sister. 416 00:19:26,882 --> 00:19:29,751 Ugh! Oh, god, not worth it. 417 00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:36,357 I like my city walk, thank you very much. 418 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:38,694 Yeah, I like it too. It has a good pace. 419 00:19:38,695 --> 00:19:40,128 It means I get my food faster. 420 00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:41,597 Well, then, why were you making fun of it? 421 00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:44,732 Pointing something out doesn't necessarily make it an insult. 422 00:19:44,734 --> 00:19:48,302 Oh. Wow. I really went full Lacey on that. 423 00:19:48,304 --> 00:19:51,540 Now that, I was making fun of. So, how about some lunch? 424 00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:54,176 Back in a minute... Pickle Lips. 425 00:19:54,177 --> 00:19:57,246 Pickle Lips? What does that mean? 426 00:19:57,247 --> 00:20:00,807 And why is my voice all echo-y and inside my head? 427 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:11,277 - And... time. - 20 seconds. Nice. 428 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:12,879 Want my Howler? I'm done with it. 429 00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:16,450 - Oh, I don't read that drivel. - You... wait, what? 430 00:20:16,451 --> 00:20:19,152 Then why did we put in all that effort to save it? 431 00:20:19,154 --> 00:20:22,455 I use the paper to make my thera-piñatas. 432 00:20:22,457 --> 00:20:24,057 Your thera... what? 433 00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:25,992 Where are my pants? 434 00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:28,361 On your legs, dear! 435 00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:34,168 Oh... therapy Piñatas. 436 00:20:34,169 --> 00:20:36,069 So you basically whack Oscar with a stick. 437 00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:38,071 And then eat candy. 438 00:20:38,073 --> 00:20:40,006 Well, Dad really is losing it. 439 00:20:40,008 --> 00:20:42,175 He thinks the paperboy is out to get him. 440 00:20:42,177 --> 00:20:44,310 Hey, there is evil in this world. 441 00:20:44,312 --> 00:20:46,679 I know a crow that's a criminal mastermind. 442 00:20:46,681 --> 00:20:49,316 A crow took your knife. That doesn't mean it's evil. 443 00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:57,390 No! Not the guy in the black hat. 444 00:20:57,392 --> 00:20:59,292 I said the old man in the green hat! 445 00:20:59,294 --> 00:21:02,736 Get it together, Sheryl! 446 00:21:08,686 --> 00:21:10,187 ♪ I don't know ♪ 447 00:21:10,188 --> 00:21:13,123 ♪ The same things you don't know ♪ 448 00:21:16,427 --> 00:21:18,461 ♪ I don't know ♪ 449 00:21:18,463 --> 00:21:21,631 ♪ I just... don't know ♪ 450 00:21:23,501 --> 00:21:27,404 - ♪ Ooh - It's a great big place ♪ 451 00:21:27,405 --> 00:21:30,941 - ♪ Ooh - Full of nothin' but space ♪ 452 00:21:30,942 --> 00:21:35,011 - ♪ Ooh - And it's my happy place ♪ 453 00:21:35,013 --> 00:21:37,614 ♪ I don't know ♪ 454 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:41,566 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 34946