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1
00:00:06,455 --> 00:00:09,970
Announcer: Please rise
for the national anthem.
2
00:00:09,972 --> 00:00:14,894
Oh.
3
00:00:14,895 --> 00:00:17,675
That's the most pathetic
wave I've ever seen.
4
00:00:17,676 --> 00:00:20,073
These people are playing
a dangerous game.
5
00:00:20,074 --> 00:00:21,703
They've crested
for far too long.
6
00:00:21,704 --> 00:00:24,390
Sooner or later,
they've got to crash.
7
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:30,623
Hey, why don't you
show a little respect
8
00:00:30,623 --> 00:00:32,221
for our national anthem, huh?
9
00:00:32,222 --> 00:00:33,308
Yes, sir.
10
00:00:33,309 --> 00:00:34,236
What do we do, Dick?
11
00:00:34,237 --> 00:00:36,761
Just do what the others
are doing.
12
00:00:38,614 --> 00:00:40,277
♪ Yea, though I walk ♪
13
00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:43,665
♪ Through the valley of death ♪
14
00:00:43,666 --> 00:00:45,104
♪ I know that ♪
15
00:00:45,105 --> 00:00:45,744
Oh, check it out.
16
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:47,406
The words are
on the ruther-tron.
17
00:00:47,407 --> 00:00:49,867
♪ Gallantly streaming ♪
18
00:00:49,868 --> 00:00:52,840
♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪
19
00:00:52,841 --> 00:00:56,037
♪ The bombs bursting in Air ♪
20
00:00:56,038 --> 00:00:59,649
♪ Gave Proof thro' the night ♪
21
00:00:59,650 --> 00:01:03,069
♪ That our flag
was still there ♪
22
00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:10,742
♪ Oh, say does that star
spangled Banner yet wave ♪
23
00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:20,556
♪ Orr the land of the free ♪
24
00:01:20,557 --> 00:01:28,230
♪ And the home of the brave? ♪
25
00:01:32,337 --> 00:01:40,009
One more time!
26
00:02:13,398 --> 00:02:15,667
I cannot get that
song out of my head.
27
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,585
I know. It is, without a doubt,
28
00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:20,175
one of the catchiest songs
I've ever heard.
29
00:02:20,176 --> 00:02:21,326
As far as I'm concerned,
30
00:02:21,327 --> 00:02:24,363
achy breaky heart is dead to me.
31
00:02:24,364 --> 00:02:28,135
And now I can't get that
song out of my head.
32
00:02:28,136 --> 00:02:28,550
Hey, guys,
33
00:02:28,551 --> 00:02:30,755
check out what I
found in the closet.
34
00:02:30,756 --> 00:02:32,898
It's the original copy
35
00:02:32,899 --> 00:02:35,040
of the declaration
of independence.
36
00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:35,425
No!
37
00:02:35,426 --> 00:02:38,365
Yeah, and it's on one
of the original copies
38
00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:41,113
of a Rusty Burger place mat.
39
00:02:41,114 --> 00:02:42,680
Look at this war-torn document,
40
00:02:42,681 --> 00:02:46,804
stained with the blood and
mustard of patriots past.
41
00:02:46,805 --> 00:02:47,795
That is so beautiful.
42
00:02:47,796 --> 00:02:49,648
You know, humans
have such a deep love
43
00:02:49,649 --> 00:02:50,417
for their country of origin,
44
00:02:50,418 --> 00:02:53,997
They'd even lay down their lives for it.
Why is that?
45
00:02:53,998 --> 00:02:54,893
It doesn't make any sense to me.
46
00:02:54,894 --> 00:02:57,066
It's not like they have any
say in where they're born.
47
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:57,770
It's totally random.
48
00:02:57,771 --> 00:02:59,591
Yeah, although a lot of chinese
49
00:02:59,592 --> 00:03:01,798
tend to end up in China.
50
00:03:03,301 --> 00:03:05,985
Hey, we're supposed
to be american.
51
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,040
We'd better
get with the program,
52
00:03:07,041 --> 00:03:08,894
or it's gonna look
awfully suspicious.
53
00:03:08,895 --> 00:03:11,579
Tommy, you study
the original documents
54
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:13,561
that created this country,
and see what's there.
55
00:03:13,562 --> 00:03:14,170
Will do. Harry...
56
00:03:14,171 --> 00:03:17,142
you cover anthems, and
American epic poetry.
57
00:03:17,143 --> 00:03:17,845
Ok. And you, Sally,
58
00:03:17,846 --> 00:03:20,307
I want you searching so much
microfiche at the library
59
00:03:20,308 --> 00:03:22,672
that you'll wish we had
an internet connection.
60
00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:23,759
Sir, yes, sir!
61
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:24,974
Godspeed.
62
00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:25,996
Ok, you heard the man.
63
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,530
Come on, americans,
let's get over here.
64
00:03:27,531 --> 00:03:28,364
Let's start with this thing.
65
00:03:28,365 --> 00:03:29,640
Um, blah, Blah,
Blah, blah, blah...
66
00:03:29,641 --> 00:03:32,709
"We hold these truths
to be self evident.
67
00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:34,244
"That all men are created equal,
68
00:03:34,245 --> 00:03:36,450
but that they are endowed..."
Wait, wait, wait...
69
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:37,026
What?
70
00:03:37,027 --> 00:03:39,008
"That all men
are created equal."
71
00:03:39,009 --> 00:03:41,853
We're all equal?
Well, that's cool.
72
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:42,205
Yeah.
73
00:03:42,206 --> 00:03:45,721
So then, for us to be the
best americans we can be,
74
00:03:45,722 --> 00:03:47,670
we need complete equality.
75
00:03:47,671 --> 00:03:48,534
Yes, Yes, yes.
76
00:03:48,535 --> 00:03:49,941
We need to share everything.
77
00:03:49,942 --> 00:03:52,211
The food, the land, the work.
78
00:03:52,212 --> 00:03:53,873
We'll commune together.
79
00:03:53,874 --> 00:03:54,354
Exactly!
80
00:03:54,355 --> 00:03:56,047
All right,
But first things first.
81
00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:56,559
Who's in charge?
82
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,052
No one, that's the point.
We're all equal.
83
00:03:59,053 --> 00:04:01,513
Right. Good catch. Ok, good.
84
00:04:01,514 --> 00:04:02,441
Don't you think like, you know,
85
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:05,445
we need somebody to be
in charge of equality?
86
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,427
You know, just to make
sure things stay equal?
87
00:04:07,428 --> 00:04:10,369
That's not a bad idea. Just
a little extra paperwork,
88
00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:13,247
not much glory... but who?
89
00:04:18,809 --> 00:04:20,279
Harry?
90
00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:22,133
You into it?
91
00:04:22,134 --> 00:04:24,530
Me? Well, I don't know.
92
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:27,120
It would look good
on your resume.
93
00:04:27,121 --> 00:04:28,686
Yeah.
94
00:04:28,687 --> 00:04:31,180
Then I'd be the guy who's
in charge of equality,
95
00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:35,400
and teaches math to
inner-city school children.
96
00:04:35,401 --> 00:04:38,756
Harry, you don't teach math.
97
00:04:38,757 --> 00:04:41,922
Ok, so I padded it.
98
00:04:46,056 --> 00:04:48,102
Mary, just curious...
99
00:04:48,103 --> 00:04:49,508
what would you give America
100
00:04:49,509 --> 00:04:51,075
on a scale of 1 to 10?
101
00:04:51,076 --> 00:04:52,802
Oh, I'd give it a 10.
102
00:04:52,803 --> 00:04:53,633
A 10?
103
00:04:53,634 --> 00:04:54,974
Why, what would you give it?
104
00:04:54,975 --> 00:04:58,396
Oh, it would be up there.
A 7 or 8.
105
00:04:58,397 --> 00:04:59,739
7 or 8?
106
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:02,776
Well, it's not set
in stone. Wow me.
107
00:05:02,777 --> 00:05:04,598
Oh, Dick, there are places
in This world
108
00:05:04,599 --> 00:05:06,931
where you would
go to jail, or even worse
109
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,360
for giving your country
a 7 or an 8.
110
00:05:09,361 --> 00:05:10,607
Really?
111
00:05:10,608 --> 00:05:13,037
America gives you
so many freedoms.
112
00:05:13,038 --> 00:05:15,371
Fine, I'll give it a hard 8.
113
00:05:15,372 --> 00:05:19,783
I'm sorry, I get a little
passionate about this.
114
00:05:19,784 --> 00:05:23,235
You know, my family
came over on the mayflower.
115
00:05:23,236 --> 00:05:24,417
The mayflower?
116
00:05:24,418 --> 00:05:26,496
Oh, boy.
117
00:05:26,497 --> 00:05:27,743
That's right. Nettie Albright
118
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:28,542
was one of the first settlers
119
00:05:28,543 --> 00:05:30,363
to come to America
on the mayflower.
120
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:34,616
Nina, was your family
on the mayflower?
121
00:05:34,617 --> 00:05:38,388
No, we came over
on a different boat,
122
00:05:38,389 --> 00:05:40,721
but I'm sure we hooked
up with you all
123
00:05:40,722 --> 00:05:44,015
right soon After we arrived.
124
00:05:46,797 --> 00:05:48,968
Our family is a more
recent arrival,
125
00:05:48,969 --> 00:05:50,088
so I... I guess we'll never be
126
00:05:50,089 --> 00:05:51,845
as american as you are, huh?
127
00:05:51,846 --> 00:05:55,523
Oh, no. You're missing
the point.
128
00:05:55,524 --> 00:05:57,600
We're a land of immigrants.
129
00:05:57,601 --> 00:05:59,199
The albrights founded America
130
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,620
so that people like you
who come from near and far
131
00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:05,368
could share in its
freedoms and prosperity.
132
00:06:05,369 --> 00:06:07,223
Is there such a thing
as too far?
133
00:06:07,224 --> 00:06:09,557
Of course Not...
134
00:06:09,558 --> 00:06:11,698
too many, maybe.
135
00:06:11,699 --> 00:06:15,726
So we're the same. 2 americans.
136
00:06:15,727 --> 00:06:17,835
Oh, I've never felt
as close to you
137
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,137
as I do right now.
138
00:06:20,138 --> 00:06:21,545
What do you say we americans
139
00:06:21,546 --> 00:06:22,248
slip into the copy room
140
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:25,124
and declare independence
from our pants?
141
00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:26,564
Oh!
142
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,053
Whoa, Whoa, whoa, what's
with the new shoes?
143
00:06:33,054 --> 00:06:37,529
They're not new.
I got 'em 4 hours ago.
144
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:38,009
Harry.
145
00:06:38,010 --> 00:06:40,917
The equality Leader has decided
146
00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:43,315
that there will be no
competition in dress.
147
00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:45,009
If one of us gets New shoes,
148
00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,599
we all get new shoes.
149
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:48,559
I'm down with that.
150
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,188
Nice job, equality Leader.
151
00:06:50,189 --> 00:06:53,960
And your sundaes are ready.
152
00:06:53,961 --> 00:06:56,327
And oop.
153
00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:04,415
Hey, Tommy got more
ice cream than me.
154
00:07:09,018 --> 00:07:11,798
Nope. Equal.
155
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:12,694
No, they're not.
156
00:07:12,695 --> 00:07:14,802
The equality Leader has ruled.
157
00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:18,063
Yeah. 1, 2, 3.
158
00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:20,365
1, 2, 3.
159
00:07:20,366 --> 00:07:23,212
1, 2, 3.
160
00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,982
Uh...
161
00:07:26,983 --> 00:07:28,421
I... I didn't get
any whipped cream.
162
00:07:28,422 --> 00:07:30,243
The equality Leader has ruled.
163
00:07:30,244 --> 00:07:33,697
Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, eh, eh.
164
00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:37,340
4 cherries.
165
00:07:37,341 --> 00:07:39,708
How's he gonna divide that up?
166
00:07:57,450 --> 00:08:00,327
The Leader has ruled.
167
00:08:04,578 --> 00:08:07,838
Please rise for the
pledge of allegiance.
168
00:08:09,181 --> 00:08:11,611
Yes, the pledge. Up, up, up!
169
00:08:11,612 --> 00:08:13,529
And No fancy alternate wording.
170
00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:16,246
I want it performed
exactly as it appears
171
00:08:16,247 --> 00:08:18,707
on my laminated bookmarker.
172
00:08:18,708 --> 00:08:19,825
And begin.
173
00:08:19,826 --> 00:08:21,072
Wait. Where do we look?
174
00:08:21,073 --> 00:08:23,982
Uh, pair off and look
at your partners.
175
00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:25,804
Don't... don't we have
to look at a flag?
176
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,713
Uh, yes, of course.
Uh, who has a flag?
177
00:08:28,714 --> 00:08:32,422
No one brought a flag to class?
178
00:08:32,423 --> 00:08:34,084
Caryn has a flag on her pants.
179
00:08:34,085 --> 00:08:35,906
Oh, uh, great. Uh, Caryn,
180
00:08:35,907 --> 00:08:36,738
please remove your pants
181
00:08:36,739 --> 00:08:38,400
and pass them to the
front of the class.
182
00:08:38,401 --> 00:08:41,883
No, Dr. Solomon, I'm not
gonna remove my pants.
183
00:08:41,884 --> 00:08:44,410
Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.
184
00:08:44,411 --> 00:08:45,401
That would be degrading.
185
00:08:45,402 --> 00:08:46,424
Just get up on the desk.
186
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,438
Come on. Up, up, up...
187
00:08:48,439 --> 00:08:50,771
and up!
188
00:08:50,772 --> 00:08:52,849
And, uh...
189
00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:54,671
and begin.
190
00:08:54,672 --> 00:08:57,581
All: I pledge allegiance
to the flag...
191
00:08:57,582 --> 00:08:58,604
What flag is that?
192
00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:00,489
Of the United States
of America...
193
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:01,896
Come on, sell it, sell it!
194
00:09:01,897 --> 00:09:04,517
And to the republic
for which it stands...
195
00:09:04,518 --> 00:09:06,531
To the republic
for which it stands!
196
00:09:06,532 --> 00:09:09,695
One nation, under god,
indivisible...
197
00:09:09,696 --> 00:09:12,062
Invisible? Who said
invisible? Leon!
198
00:09:12,063 --> 00:09:13,628
And justice for all.
199
00:09:13,629 --> 00:09:15,641
What kind of a pledge is that?
200
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,806
Where's the passion?
Where's the enthusiasm?
201
00:09:18,807 --> 00:09:21,046
Oh, never mind.
202
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:24,562
Caryn, get off my desk!
203
00:09:26,225 --> 00:09:32,363
Hurry up. Harry's daily
address is about to start.
204
00:09:36,741 --> 00:09:38,212
I don't like this.
205
00:09:38,213 --> 00:09:39,108
Oh, I do.
206
00:09:39,109 --> 00:09:41,025
Ever since I came
to this planet,
207
00:09:41,026 --> 00:09:42,782
I've had to obsess
over what to wear,
208
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,796
and how much to eat,
and how to fix my hair.
209
00:09:44,797 --> 00:09:47,194
But all of a sudden
there's order again,
210
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:50,584
and all my decisions
are made for me.
211
00:09:50,585 --> 00:09:52,597
But we're losing
our individuality.
212
00:09:52,598 --> 00:09:55,633
Why do you say that,
number 1258?
213
00:09:55,634 --> 00:09:59,757
Citizens of America,
I am pleased to announce
214
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:03,211
that things have
never been more equal.
215
00:10:04,586 --> 00:10:08,837
Enough! I have installed
intercoms
216
00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:09,892
throughout the apartment
217
00:10:09,893 --> 00:10:12,066
to better facilitate
communication.
218
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:14,431
No matter what room you are in,
219
00:10:14,432 --> 00:10:16,605
I will hear you...
220
00:10:16,606 --> 00:10:18,842
or you can communicate with me
221
00:10:18,843 --> 00:10:21,623
on any and all issues
of equality
222
00:10:21,624 --> 00:10:24,566
yup, Yup, yup, yup!
223
00:10:30,927 --> 00:10:32,238
And No more shoes!
224
00:10:32,239 --> 00:10:35,467
We will bury these shoes!
225
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,489
That is all.
226
00:10:36,490 --> 00:10:39,558
Dick: Family meeting!
Family meeting!
227
00:10:45,953 --> 00:10:48,222
Oh, you all look fetching.
228
00:10:48,223 --> 00:10:50,747
You really think so?
229
00:10:50,748 --> 00:10:52,250
I don't care.
230
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,094
Tommy, was the name of the
ship that brought us here
231
00:10:55,095 --> 00:10:56,054
called the mayflower?
232
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:59,731
No, I think it was called
the z-5000.
233
00:11:00,307 --> 00:11:01,936
The z-5000 Flower?
234
00:11:01,937 --> 00:11:05,643
Uh, no. Just the z-5000.
235
00:11:05,644 --> 00:11:06,445
Oh, too bad.
236
00:11:06,446 --> 00:11:09,288
You know, I had such a great
time with Mary today.
237
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:10,663
In the past, there's always been
238
00:11:10,664 --> 00:11:12,069
this human-alien Barrier,
239
00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:14,436
but today, we were
just 2 americans.
240
00:11:14,437 --> 00:11:16,514
You're canadian.
241
00:11:17,345 --> 00:11:18,782
What?!
242
00:11:18,783 --> 00:11:21,884
Your passport here
says you're canadian.
243
00:11:21,885 --> 00:11:22,428
Guilty.
244
00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:24,218
No! How come I'm not american?
245
00:11:24,219 --> 00:11:26,967
Well, I thought it would
look pretty suspicious
246
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:28,885
if all 4 members of our family
247
00:11:28,886 --> 00:11:30,420
were from the same country.
248
00:11:30,421 --> 00:11:33,137
I can't argue with that logic.
249
00:11:33,138 --> 00:11:34,480
But what am I gonna do?
250
00:11:34,481 --> 00:11:35,502
How am I gonna tell Mary
251
00:11:35,503 --> 00:11:38,413
that she's sleeping
with the enemy?
252
00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:47,417
I don't think this is 4 cheeses.
253
00:11:47,418 --> 00:11:50,710
I think this is 5 cheeses.
254
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:51,924
You know who I'd really like
255
00:11:51,925 --> 00:11:53,811
to sit down and Spend
some time with?
256
00:11:53,812 --> 00:11:59,630
Who? Canadian
Songstress Celine Dion.
257
00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:01,899
Good, Dick.
258
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,945
That's right, I said canadian.
259
00:12:03,946 --> 00:12:05,542
Who knew? I didn't...
260
00:12:05,543 --> 00:12:06,822
because she's not one of those
261
00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:08,005
in-your-face canadians.
262
00:12:08,006 --> 00:12:11,841
She's just a normal person
like you and me, only...
263
00:12:11,842 --> 00:12:14,366
canadian.
264
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,732
Good for her.
265
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:18,458
You know, I... I think
the 2 of you
266
00:12:18,459 --> 00:12:19,673
would be great friends.
267
00:12:19,674 --> 00:12:20,695
I'm sure we would.
268
00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:21,846
Oh, Mary, do you mean it?
269
00:12:21,847 --> 00:12:24,117
No, I don't know
anything about her.
270
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,778
I don't listen to her music.
271
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,792
So, her shrill, canadian voice
272
00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:30,190
sounds tramp-like to you?
273
00:12:30,191 --> 00:12:32,779
I do not have a strong opinion
274
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:34,859
one way or the other.
275
00:12:35,818 --> 00:12:37,478
Care for a canadian lager?
276
00:12:37,479 --> 00:12:40,197
Oh, put that away!
We're at school!
277
00:12:40,198 --> 00:12:42,657
Fine, fine.
278
00:12:42,658 --> 00:12:46,942
Mmm, Mary, this canadian
Bacon is good stuff.
279
00:12:46,943 --> 00:12:48,349
Would you like some?
280
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,883
I don't think I've ever
had canadian Bacon.
281
00:12:49,884 --> 00:12:55,605
Oh, Mary, you've been having
it for the last 4 years!
282
00:12:58,654 --> 00:12:59,613
Next.
283
00:12:59,614 --> 00:13:01,212
Next!
284
00:13:03,578 --> 00:13:05,941
Hello, citizen.
285
00:13:05,942 --> 00:13:07,445
How may I help you?
286
00:13:07,446 --> 00:13:10,098
I need toilet paper.
287
00:13:10,099 --> 00:13:13,647
Sorry, today we are
distributing potatoes.
288
00:13:13,648 --> 00:13:18,250
But I really need toilet paper.
289
00:13:18,251 --> 00:13:21,608
Well, we've got sand paper.
290
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:32,093
Fine. I'll take a potato.
291
00:13:34,171 --> 00:13:35,705
Tommy, you have To help me.
292
00:13:35,706 --> 00:13:37,590
I need to become an american.
293
00:13:37,591 --> 00:13:38,550
Well, I'm finding America
294
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,692
pretty oppressive these days.
295
00:13:40,693 --> 00:13:42,193
I think you're lucky
to be a canadian.
296
00:13:42,194 --> 00:13:44,336
Oh, there's only
one lucky canadian,
297
00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:47,947
and his name is Peter Jennings.
298
00:13:47,948 --> 00:13:49,898
Fine. If you want to be
an american so badly,
299
00:13:49,899 --> 00:13:51,817
I'll just print you
up a fake passport.
300
00:13:51,818 --> 00:13:53,287
Don't you get it, man?
301
00:13:53,288 --> 00:13:54,565
I've been fake for too long.
302
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:57,826
For 5 years, I've been pretending
to be human with Mary,
303
00:13:57,827 --> 00:14:03,196
but for one brief, shining
moment, we were both real.
304
00:14:03,197 --> 00:14:05,371
Real americans.
I want that back!
305
00:14:05,372 --> 00:14:07,320
Well, then, you'll have
to do it the hard way.
306
00:14:07,321 --> 00:14:08,312
Apply for citizenship.
307
00:14:08,313 --> 00:14:10,964
The hard way
is the American way.
308
00:14:10,965 --> 00:14:11,924
Tell me about it.
309
00:14:11,925 --> 00:14:13,650
I'm wearing standard
issue underwear,
310
00:14:13,651 --> 00:14:16,784
and guess what? It rides.
311
00:14:16,785 --> 00:14:19,437
Until I get my american
citizenship,
312
00:14:19,438 --> 00:14:22,730
I'll... I'll just be careful
what I talk aboot around Mary.
313
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,903
Uh, uh...
314
00:14:24,904 --> 00:14:25,768
boot?
315
00:14:25,769 --> 00:14:27,908
Did I say "Aboot?"
Oh, I'm sorry,
316
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,274
I've been under
a lot of stress, eh?
317
00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:32,288
Eh? Ooh!
318
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,622
So, Tommy...
319
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,050
I understand someone's
not too happy
320
00:14:37,051 --> 00:14:39,193
with his underwear.
321
00:14:39,194 --> 00:14:40,376
How did you know that?
322
00:14:40,377 --> 00:14:45,268
I have eyes and ears everywhere.
323
00:14:49,519 --> 00:14:51,693
I'm, uh...
324
00:14:51,694 --> 00:14:53,162
here for my citizenship.
325
00:14:53,163 --> 00:14:55,145
You mean you're here
to take the test?
326
00:14:55,146 --> 00:14:56,935
A test? Oh, no, no, no.
327
00:14:56,936 --> 00:14:59,141
No, that won't be necessary.
328
00:14:59,142 --> 00:15:00,068
I think I'm exempt.
329
00:15:00,069 --> 00:15:01,667
I regularly "Do" A woman
330
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,671
with close ties
to the mayflower.
331
00:15:04,672 --> 00:15:05,184
Really?
332
00:15:05,185 --> 00:15:10,521
Yes, the mayflower,
and yes, "Do."
333
00:15:10,522 --> 00:15:12,822
Yeah, I don't think
you understand.
334
00:15:12,823 --> 00:15:14,486
Um, why don't you take
these study materials
335
00:15:14,487 --> 00:15:15,956
and just come back
when you're ready?
336
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,459
No, I... I'm ready now.
337
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:18,864
I... I've lied on my tax returns,
338
00:15:18,865 --> 00:15:22,892
I've been arrested, and I don't vote.
I'm a True american.
339
00:15:22,893 --> 00:15:25,898
Test me. Test me now.
340
00:15:25,899 --> 00:15:26,889
Ok, question one...
341
00:15:26,890 --> 00:15:30,150
"How is the president of the
United States Elected?"
342
00:15:30,151 --> 00:15:31,780
uh, no, I know this.
343
00:15:31,781 --> 00:15:35,839
He or she... Yeah, right...
344
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:36,959
Is chosen on the basis
345
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,973
of how physically
attractive they are,
346
00:15:38,974 --> 00:15:43,097
and their definition
of adultery.
347
00:15:43,098 --> 00:15:48,020
And it doesn't hurt
to know Barbra streisand.
348
00:16:04,708 --> 00:16:08,159
What the hell happened
to this place?
349
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,471
A revolution.
350
00:16:09,472 --> 00:16:12,667
Tommy, did you see who did this?
351
00:16:12,668 --> 00:16:14,968
It was me!
352
00:16:14,969 --> 00:16:16,215
I want to live in a place
353
00:16:16,216 --> 00:16:17,591
where I can be an individual.
354
00:16:17,592 --> 00:16:19,828
Where I can
express myself freely
355
00:16:19,829 --> 00:16:21,202
and Pursue my own happiness.
356
00:16:21,203 --> 00:16:24,048
And you're gonna
give up America for that?
357
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,405
Don't you see? This isn't
equality, this is conformity.
358
00:16:27,406 --> 00:16:29,770
The grand dream is dead.
359
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:30,921
Sally...
360
00:16:30,922 --> 00:16:34,437
I know that you've got some
history with this fellow.
361
00:16:34,438 --> 00:16:35,109
What, me? No.
362
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:38,465
Then prove it. Take him out.
363
00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:42,813
Fine. Go ahead. Strike me down,
364
00:16:42,814 --> 00:16:44,411
but there are many more like me
365
00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:45,818
who will stand up to you.
366
00:16:45,819 --> 00:16:49,206
Who will pick up the
burning torch of freedom
367
00:16:49,207 --> 00:16:51,604
and hold it high in my place.
368
00:16:51,605 --> 00:16:53,011
And it's not a question
369
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:57,583
of if or when someone
picks up that torch.
370
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,907
It's a question of who.
371
00:17:03,658 --> 00:17:05,990
I will.
372
00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:11,552
I will...
373
00:17:11,553 --> 00:17:13,822
pick up that torch.
374
00:17:13,823 --> 00:17:16,380
Sally, are you with us?
375
00:17:16,381 --> 00:17:17,850
I will...
376
00:17:17,851 --> 00:17:22,071
kill you both in your sleep!
377
00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:31,629
Dick, are you in here?
378
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:36,743
Yes. Quilted in darkness,
like a tiny snow Beaver
379
00:17:36,744 --> 00:17:40,004
on the plains of saskatchewan.
380
00:17:40,005 --> 00:17:42,338
What's wrong?
381
00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:46,142
There's something
I haven't told you, Mary.
382
00:17:46,143 --> 00:17:48,316
Oh, Dick, whatever it is,
383
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,180
whatever you've done,
384
00:17:49,181 --> 00:17:51,352
you know I'll stand by you.
385
00:17:51,353 --> 00:17:53,910
I'm a...
386
00:17:53,911 --> 00:17:55,157
I'm a canadian.
387
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:55,956
What?
388
00:17:55,957 --> 00:17:56,947
A canadian.
389
00:17:56,948 --> 00:17:59,345
Why were you afraid
to tell me this?
390
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,305
Because I was ashamed.
391
00:18:00,306 --> 00:18:02,860
Someone with your lineage
would never knowingly consort
392
00:18:02,861 --> 00:18:08,552
with someone whose money is 65 cents
to your dollar on a very good day.
393
00:18:08,553 --> 00:18:11,620
Do you hate me now, Mary?
394
00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:15,297
No, I still love you.
395
00:18:15,298 --> 00:18:16,257
You do?
396
00:18:16,257 --> 00:18:16,863
As a matter of fact,
397
00:18:16,864 --> 00:18:18,588
I'm beginning to feel
a little better.
398
00:18:18,589 --> 00:18:22,363
This explains almost
all of your behavior.
399
00:18:24,089 --> 00:18:26,613
I wanted so badly to be
your american boyfriend.
400
00:18:26,614 --> 00:18:28,212
I even took
the citizenship test,
401
00:18:28,213 --> 00:18:31,121
but it was more complicated
than I thought.
402
00:18:31,122 --> 00:18:36,043
Dick, we americans have a
rich and storied history.
403
00:18:36,044 --> 00:18:39,273
It takes time and
perseverance to learn it all.
404
00:18:39,274 --> 00:18:40,646
You would have aced that test.
405
00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:44,548
You would have known who elects the
president of the United States.
406
00:18:44,549 --> 00:18:46,370
Of course I would have, Darling,
407
00:18:46,371 --> 00:18:46,946
it's the people.
408
00:18:46,947 --> 00:18:50,206
No, it... it's
the electoral collage.
409
00:18:50,207 --> 00:18:54,202
Wait, what, no... yes!
The electoral collage!
410
00:18:54,203 --> 00:18:56,152
You didn't know that.
Oh, yes, I did.
411
00:18:56,153 --> 00:18:57,367
Then tell me
who becomes president
412
00:18:57,368 --> 00:19:00,180
if the president and
Vice President both die.
413
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,810
Secretary of state.
414
00:19:01,811 --> 00:19:03,537
Wrong! Speaker of the house!
415
00:19:03,538 --> 00:19:06,222
Swing and a miss!
Strike 2, yankee!
416
00:19:06,223 --> 00:19:08,332
Why are you putting me on trial?
417
00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:09,387
Because I've been through hell
418
00:19:09,388 --> 00:19:11,432
trying to prove
that I'm worthy to be here,
419
00:19:11,433 --> 00:19:13,670
while you, a great american,
420
00:19:13,671 --> 00:19:15,364
a descendent of boat people,
421
00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:18,433
you know just as little
about America as I do.
422
00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:19,170
I know plenty.
423
00:19:19,170 --> 00:19:19,937
No, you don't. Neither do I.
424
00:19:19,938 --> 00:19:23,261
We don't know anything about this country.
Isn't that wonderful?
425
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:27,193
I love you, you beautiful
American idiot.
426
00:19:27,194 --> 00:19:30,070
Go to hell, you big,
dumb canuck!
427
00:19:30,071 --> 00:19:32,627
No!
428
00:19:34,545 --> 00:19:37,934
You know, America
is such an enigma.
429
00:19:37,935 --> 00:19:38,765
If you're not born here,
430
00:19:38,766 --> 00:19:40,619
you have to take
a test to live here,
431
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:42,569
but most of the people
who were born Here
432
00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:45,861
would fail that test
as miserably as I did.
433
00:19:45,862 --> 00:19:48,611
So then, maybe to
be truly American,
434
00:19:48,612 --> 00:19:50,369
is to be ignorant of America
435
00:19:50,370 --> 00:19:53,534
and to take it for granted
at every juncture.
436
00:19:53,791 --> 00:19:55,547
Oh, my god, you guys,
437
00:19:55,548 --> 00:19:57,498
do you know what this means?
438
00:19:57,499 --> 00:19:59,832
The greatest americans
in this country
439
00:19:59,833 --> 00:20:02,102
are sitting on this rooftop.
440
00:20:02,103 --> 00:20:04,244
Ain't you proud, Harry?
441
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:07,631
♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪
442
00:20:07,632 --> 00:20:10,872
♪ The bombs bursting in Air ♪
30718
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