Original subtitles

♪♪

Oh, God, Ms. Gomez got into the art supplies again.

Quick, cover your heads.

It took me three haircuts to get the glitter out last time.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

playing for Meadows Creek High, Alicia Gomez!

I have amazing news.

Yeah, me too. I just got a video of you

fighting with a banner.

Can I ask you not to post that?

You can, but it already happened.

Awesome!

We qualified for the World Debate League

Invitational Tournament.

Wait, we're going to to the W.D.L.I.T.s --

A.K.A. the WDLITs?

Here's the best part -- it is being held in Paris.

Whoo!

Texas! Paris, Texas.

I should have led with "Texas."

I do have some bad news.

Oh, God, she's gonna say something personal.

Fingers up.

No!

Between flights and hotels and food,

if we want to go on this trip, we need to raise 10 grand.

Oh! Can't the school cover it?

They're only covering public schools are concerned with

is girls' shoulders.

Amen.

Principal Maris is not gonna give us a dime

over our budget, so...

[ "Get Ready for This" plays ]

...we're gonna have to fund it ourselves.

Oh, good. More art.

So, right now, we are here.

And then, when we take into account the art supplies

for the thermometer and my entrance banner, we...

are here...

at negative-$60.

Definitely worth it.

We got to get that money.

This tournament is the kind of stuff

they wet their Dockers over at Harvard.

And Yale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the safeties will love it, too.

Who has fundraising ideas?

Uh, I could start a business

where I get things off high shelves for people.

Uh, we'll call it...

Te-Reach.

Or we could purchase a bankrupted company,

transfer the assets into a shell corp,

and dissolve the original, and then -- boom --

suddenly, we're back in profit territory.

I feel so bad for your future ex-wives.

We could have a pie-a-thon.

People could sponsor us for every pie we eat.

Who'd pay for the pies?

They're not all winners, Makayla.

Wait, I got it. We can do a silent auction.

Or we could do the pie thing.

No, no!

It's gonna be fun.

Let's celebrate!

♪ Hey! ♪

Now I have to get a haircut!

♪♪

"Dinner with Principal Maris at her house"?

That is off-brand.

No, it's not.

She only donates it so it seems like she cares.

She knows no one will bid.

Come on, she's not so scary.

Okay, should I put your name down?

Hell, no.

Mr. E?

Bid, or get off the pot.

What year was this copy of "Grapes of Wrath" published?

I don't know.

It's been in my garage for like 12 years,

which is also how long you've been standing at this table.

You can't rush antiquing.

Good advice...

that I will never use.

Take it all -- a dollar.

2 minutes, 35 seconds left! How are we doing?

After selling Terrell's keyboard, we've raised $7,000,

which means we only have $3,000 left to go.

Unfortunately, we've run out of timeshares, spa treatments,

and "errand boys."

I went for 350 bucks.

I hope they don't make me lift anything.

We'll never earn enough for this trip.

We only have small items left.

Au revoir, Paris...

Texas.

Man, here goes our Harvard bait.

I mean, I'll probably be fine. I just feel bad for you guys.

We're going on that trip, even if it means

doing something that scares me.

Getting bangs?

No, asking Principal Maris for that funding.

I'm bidding on that dinner.

[ Chopin's "Death March" plays ]

I changed my mind. I'm keeping the keyboard.

Uh...

I didn't know Terrell played piano.

Yeah, it's one of his secret passions,

like Robyn with her crosswords,

Makayla with tropical fish, and Luke's is archery.

In fact, I know everyone's secret passion except for yours.

See, that's because mine is a secret.

Well, call me Ronan Farrow,

'cause I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Hey, uh, where are those books?

Oh, I found a buyer without commitment issues

or a junior-detective kit.

You sold them? Even "Grapes of Wrath"?

Yeah, to Betsy Glennon for like a dollar.

Well, good for her.

You know, I looked it up. Your copy is a first edition.

It's worth thousands of dollars.

[ "Dun, Dun, Dun" plays ]

Why --

Why didn't you tell me, man?!

I was still collecting book data.

That could've paid for our whole trip.

Yeah.

Wow. I'm sorry.

Lost myself, there, for a minute.

I get it, man. Books make me emotional, too.

So, guys, [Chuckles] w-we need to get that copy of

"Grapes of Wrath" back from Betsy.

Unless we think Ms Gomez can get the money

from Principal Maris.

Yeah, we got to get that book.

♪ Need somethin' from the top shelf? ♪

♪ Call Te-Reach, Te-Reach ♪

[ Chuckles ]

Who's excited for our dinner?

You're not Principal Maris.

Thank God for that.

Vice Principal Flair...

why are you at her desk?

Just daydreaming that she catches me here and fires me,

and I can finally leave this nightmare job

and enjoy my pension.

Is she around?

Oh, you didn't hear? [ Sighs ]

So, Principal Maris was at Costco,

and a flat-screen TV

landed on her ankle.

It was a compound fracture.

The bone busted right through the skin!

[ Laughs ]

Damn it, Neil, if you're gonna sell the lie,

you can't laugh.

Well, I'm sorry.

Maybe think of a lie that gives me less joy.

That might help. Look, fire me.

Please, I'm begging you!

Sorry, I can't.

Because you're so miserable here,

and that makes me happy.

[ Groans ]

This feels healthy.

Passes the time.

Yeah.

Ms. Gomez, how can I help you?

I am here to talk about our dinner tonight.

I would love to. Unfortunately, I can't.

I have this very important meeting right now.

Oh, no. I did the Costco thing. I'm out.

Come on. I paid almost 5 bucks for that dinner.

You have to eat with me.

You sound like my last Tinder date.

It'll be fun.

Alright, 7:00.

Be on time, or I'm locking the door.

And come full.

I always do.

I embezzled $200,000 from the school

so I could retile my bathroom.

Nice try, Neil.

You're gonna be here forever.

Buh-bye.

Okay.

That's the girl who bought the book?

What is she doing?

Air drums.

Yeah. Betsy rips a solo whenever she tells a joke.

But she's not talking to anyone.

Visible.

Y'all should watch her video podcast, though.

I heard she speaks in "cat."

Well, enjoy the show, 'cause, uh,

Uncle Luke is an expert negotiator.

Hello, Betsy.

Or should I say, uh, "Meow meow"?

Oh, come speak "cat" to the cat lady,

'cause that's what she likes.

Yeah, I-I didn't mean to offend.

No, that is what she likes.

Anyway, you purchased something at

the silent auction yesterday.

"Grapes of Wrath"?

I didn't mean to sell it.

So you want it back?

I would do anything.

I would have just given it back, but you and your friends

can come on my podcast tonight.

We would love that.

Well, I am flattered to be

your plus-one to dinner with Principal Maris.

I'm flattered you think she gave me a plus-one.

Oh, my God, I'm crashing?

I need to convince Principal Maris to give us

that money, and you have that smile

that nobody can say no to.

I'm here because I'm obsessed

with the mystery that is Sarah Maris.

Oh.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Welcome to the weirdest dinner ever.

Take your shoes off. This is gonna suck.

Can I see your room?

No.

Damn that smile.

Thanks, Miles. Way to use the one tool in our box!

Come on in.

I just have to grab something from the car.

Yeah.

Ah, good evening, Ms. Gomez.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I didn't have a choice, but you do.

Chicken or beef?

I see what she's doing.

She's trying to get me to leave, but joke's on her.

I can eat anything.

Weird flex.

Look, I came here to fight for money for my kids,

so I'm not leaving till she comes back.

She promised me a year off my contract if I got rid of you.

Hmm.

Looks like we've both been duped.

This girl has not been duped.

[ Tires squeal, engine revs ]

That's the sound of her driving off.

In my car.

♪♪

Testing, testing.

Meow-meow.

I can't believe we're gonna get this book,

all for the low price of our entire reputations.

Come on, this is for the debate trip.

We'll get through it quickly,

and it'll be like it never even happened.

Welcome to "Betsy's Four Hour Long Video Pod-cats."

I'm out.

You really are the weaker sex.

Today I'm interviewing my four new best friends.

Wave.

Like I showed you.

Makayla, meow you doin' today?

I'm out.

It -- It's not even like it's that embarrassing.

Betsy: Before we start the interview,

I'm gonna need you to draw on your whiskers.

Is that a Sharpie?

Uh, whatcha doin'?

Covering my eyes to build up the dramatic moment.

And...

Ew.

What in the Target Home display hell is this?

That's a colorful way to call me basic.

Why do you care so much about what my room looks like?

I don't know.

I thought I'd see this place, we'd have a blood ceremony,

howl at the moon, and put curses on our ex-boyfriends.

Wow! You had a big night planned.

Look, I don't normally share my stuff with others.

It's weird with my mom being the principal and all.

Sorry.

This is [Scoffs] great.

Okay, you have not checked out my closet yet.

I have a lot more layers than you may think.

That better not be a reference to a collection of

J. Crew cardigans.

Eee!

♪ This is everything ♪

I just -- [Sighs] I really want my class

to go on that trip.

I mean, they worked so hard,

and if I don't fight for them, then who's gonna?

Blah-blah-blah.

You care. I get it.

All I care about is trying to get this coffee mug

to leave a ring on the table.

Nope.

Aw, never mind.

Just gonna go back to address invites to the neighborhood

barbecue that Maris doesn't know she's hosting.

Oh! Wow!

You put a lot of energy into getting fired.

Yeah, it is a bit of a fool's errand.

You know, she's so stubborn, which is why I think you should

give up on trying to get her to give you money for that trip.

Nope, I'll be here all night until she gets back.

Let's figure out more ways to anger her.

I am not playing that game.

But if I was...

I would put her clothes in the dryer and shrink them

so she thinks she gained weight.

To the laundry room! Ha-ha!

[ "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" plays ]

♪ The best thing about bein' a woman ♪

♪ Is the prerogative to have a little fun and ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy ♪

♪ Forget I'm a lady ♪

♪ Men's shirts, short skirts ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Really go wild ♪

♪ Yeah, doin' it ♪

Whew!

A shrine to country music in your closet?

[ Chuckles ] A word to anyone,

and this outfit ends up on Instagram.

Please, [Southern accent] get me from boot to brim.

♪ And the best thing about bein' a woman ♪

♪ Is the prerogative to have a little fun and ♪

I thought she was going to her locker and getting the book

so we could sell it and pay for this debate trip.

She said she had to "dunk on these hos"

who trashed her podcast first.

Be right there, besties. I'm roastin' this dude.

Dude, everyone's talking about us, and not in the usual,

"Hey, that Terrell dude is kinda tall" type of way.

No, no, no, we should leave those on.

I mean, we don't have the book yet.

We don't want to piss her off.

Alright, come, Luke, what is this?

It's taking forever.

Okay, time for a little B&E.

How are bacon and eggs gonna help us?

"Breaking and entering"! We're breaking into her locker.

"Bacon and eggs"?

Hmm?

Oh, my God, Oh, my God! That's my dad's Black Card!

Dude, it's okay, I got it. Just give me your phone.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah, hi, I'd like to report a lost credit card.

Move aside.

The combo is her cat's birthday.

She mentioned it like 12 times on her podcast.

Well, looks, uh --

looks like this is gonna require a delicate touch.

See, this is bad for us, but I love seeing you fail.

Betsy: What's going on?

Hmm.

Betsy, I-I'm sorry.

W-We were just looking for the book

'cause that was kinda the deal.

[ Chuckles ] I'm so stupid.

I convinced myself you guys were hanging out with me

'cause you liked me.

But who wants to be friends with the strange girl?

I feel terrible.

Me too.

[ Laughs ] Hey, I found my dad's credit card!

I just canceled it.

Mornin'. How'd it go last night?

Terrible. She never showed.

But worry not.

I have other ways of making the cash.

Ready? Money bag...

money bag...

[ Groans ]

Hot dog.

Maybe try something with better odds than scratchers.

Like, find a treasure map in your attic.

Get your friends together,

go search for a pirate ship under the city.

I've seen "Goonies," Elliot.

What's "Goonies"?

I just feel like I really let my kids down.

Ms. Gomez, a late auction bid of $3,000

came in for this atrocity.

Oh, my God. I made that atrocity!

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, your team can go to the tournament.

No, I'm gonna be a famous mug maker!

It's weird. $3,000 is the exact amount you needed.

I wonder who made the bid?

I think I know.

I got three hot dogs!

[ Laughs ] I'm rich!

No more bag lunch for this guy.

Oh, no, it's just a free ticket.

Back to bag lunch for this guy.

Hey, Betsy. Whatcha doin'?

Tricking everyone into thinking a kid evaporated.

Huh! Are those my sneakers?

They're hers now. Move on.

Um, come walk with us.

Look, we just wanted to say we're sorry

about everything that happened yesterday.

So we did a little something for you

as a token of our friendship.

Ta-da!

We organized your locker.

Look, I know you think we were only hanging out

with you to get the book back.

But we did have fun being on your podcast...

for the first three hours.

Look, you might be a little strange, but --

-But so is Luke. -But so is Makayla.

-Hey. -Hey.

Friends?

Of course.

And as your friend,

I feel like I need to tell you that

I need some space.

Are you dumping us?

Don't make me say it.

Here.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

W-What happened to the back?

You let your cat scratch it?

What could I do? She's her own woman.

Oh, my God, and now this book is worthless.

No book is worthless if you learn something.

And in this book --

Oh, I can't believe we lost that money!

I can't believe I found my sneakers.

For the last time, no one "got evaporated."

If that could happen, none of you would be here.

Now, go to class!

Principal Maris?

Oh!

Hey, Principal Maris, wait!

You can't dodge me forever!

Alright, fine, make it quick.

I know it was you who made it poss--

I just want to thank you for --

Thanks for donation, enjoy mug.

I didn't give you a donation.

That's why I've been avoiding you.

I have a soft spot for you,

and it makes it hard for me to say no.

Aww.

I can't allocate funds to my daughter's class.

Talk about blatant favoritism.

Think of the headlines.

"Gorgeous principal, often mistaken

for one of her own students,

shelling out cash to her daughter's class."

Whooh. [ Clicks tongue ]

Okay, then who bought my mug?

Huh?

If I had to guess, I would say,

"I don't care."

Neil?

Did you buy my mug?

Well, it's perfect, right?

It leaves a ring and it scratches the table.

[ Chuckles ]

Plus, I had a little extra cash left over.

I rent the school out on the weekends.

Lunch ladies use it as an escape room.

I don't buy it.

I think you spent your hard-earned money on that.

How dare you imply that I work hard.

Good luck with that debate.

Wish I had a teacher like you when I was a kid.

Hmm.

You know, you claim not to care, but, admit it, you do.

Alright, but let's keep that between us, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we're done.

I have amazing news.

We are going to Paris, Texas!

[ Cheering ]

Texas!

Allow me. Uh-huh, there we go.

♪ Need somethin' from the top shelf? ♪

♪ Call Te-Reach ♪

All: ♪ Te-Reach ♪

[ Chuckles ] Catchy, ain't it?

Uh-huh.

That'll be 12 bucks.

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy ♪

♪ Forget I'm a lady ♪

♪ Men's shirts, short skirts ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, really go wild ♪

♪ Yeah, doin' it in style ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, get in the action ♪

♪ Feel the attraction ♪

♪ Color my hair, do what I dare ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free ♪

♪ Yeah, to feel the way I feel ♪

♪ The way I feel ♪

♪ Man, I feel like a woman ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey, hey! ♪