Original subtitles

♪♪

[ "Upside Down" by JVKE plays ]

♪ Down south, hood baby, hood baby ♪

♪ Make all the girls go crazy ♪

♪ Go, go, go stupid ♪

♪ But you smart like an A-plus student ♪

Seriously, dude, surrounding your house with treadmills

will not ward off a zombie apocalypse.

Think about it.

They'd get on and keep walking...and walking.

Blegh.

It's brilliant.

Mr. Escalante, can you please weigh in on this?

Go away.

[ Teeth clenched ] Go, go, go.

Why are you talking like this? It's weird.

Or...is it fun?

If it's cool, guys, I'm just kind of chillin', alone.

Oh, my God.

While I was getting my coffee, I got all the tea on the baristas.

Hot barista told hotter barista that his lattes were all foam.

It is tense in there.

Can you guys just please leave? I'm on a date.

Ah. The midweek morning date.

The sexiest date of them all.

Oh. Yeah, no.

I see a-a-a date.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

I really like your shoes,

but I can't see them 'cause you're pretend.

Everyone, uh, this is my, uh,

very real, visible human person,

and these are people who are leaving right now.

Oh, wow. More of your students.

I can see why you'd think that,

because I'm so youthful and fun and current.

I'm Alicia Gomez. I work with Elliot.

I'm Bethany Fitzgerald.

Ohh. Ohh.

Do not Google her. That is so tacky.

It's too late. Oh. Damn!

I see you played Division I soccer.

Ooh. You must be really tired of being a bridesmaid.

Girl, your brother is a snack. Is he single?

You seem busy.

I'm gonna go.

Can I walk you out?

I'm actually parked right out front.

Oh, cool.

Um, you guys, I'm just gonna, uh, give Bethany --

And...she's gone.

Dude, you were on a date? You should've told us to go.

♪♪

Okay.

For fun, let's do rapid fire till the bell rings.

Team captain, pick a topic.

Less depressing.

Attagirl.

Okay. Uh, con -- Putting fruit on it

is like those people who think ketchup is spicy.

What the hell is wrong with your taste buds?

Pro -- It's the equivalent of culinary free speech.

Are you saying you're not for free speech?

[ Bell chimes ]

I've got nothing. I just like hitting the timer.

[ Bell chimes ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Get out of here.

Do you think anyone's noticed

that most of my debate topics are about food or death?

What else is there to talk about?

We're still on for studying tonight, right?

Totally.

[ Bell chimes ]

♪ My name is Elder Price ♪

♪ And I would like to share with you the most amazing book ♪

[ Bell chimes ]

♪ My name is Elder Gra-- ♪

See a show, guys. Come on. Culture yourselves.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh. Hey, Makayla.

I just got a new map on "Among Us."

You want to try it out?

I love murder video games.

Your brain's pretty dark.

Sorry. Was I being too honest?

No. It was a compliment. I'm glad you're coming.

Robyn said there was no point in inviting you

because you're always "stupid busy."

You know, you have great recollection

for things you shouldn't be sharing.

I do.

Oh, wait. I can't. I'm gonna be studying with Luke.

That sounds like a blast.

But, y-you know, the opposite.

You know what?

We can make this work.

Can you do a little earlier?

Sure. How about, um...

...4:00?

You just sent me a calendar invite for 4:00.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, and the dress code is smart casual.

Plan hard, party hard.

♪♪

Excuse me, guys.

Just got to get through to the old locker.

Okay. We're not listening, huh?

Your older brother is hotter,

natural deodorant isn't working for you,

and, oh, look -- It's the world's worst boy band.

What, you're just standing by yourself

insulting random people?

Yeah.

They're blocking my locker.

Maybe you could say something.

Oh. Words aren't necessary.

That stare only works 'cause you're the principal.

I've had the gift since I was a little, little girl.

You've heard of resting bitch face?

I have active bitch face.

You want to see a trick?

I'm not too sure.

Oh, I wasn't asking.

See Mr. Escalante?

I'm gonna hit him from 20 yards down.

[ Shoe squeaks ]

Oh, you're fine. Keep it movin'.

Great catching up!

Mm-hmm.

Teach me. Make this my villain origin story.

If you flatter me, I'll consider it.

I like the way your black shirt matches your black eyes.

You're gonna have to do better.

You are as elegant as you are terrifying.

I'm listening.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations, birds chirping ]

Uh, this can't be good.

We want to apologize for earlier.

You are forgiven. Ta-da! See you tomorrow.

Dude, it's not even 11:00.

[ Sighs ] Worth a shot. Okay.

Uh, look, don't worry about it. Bethany wasn't the one.

Want some advice?

I don't. You gonna give it anyway?

We are.

No one dates anymore.

First you got to get up to at least 100

or 200 Snapstreaks.

Then you can ask her to hang.

Hangs lead to thangs. Thangs lead to situationships.

And then, maybe, if you're lucky, by senior year,

you get to post a pic online together.

Mm-hmm. I understood like six words.

He's never gonna get into a thang.

Where are you even finding these girls?

Let me see your app.

Okay. But I'm warning you -- Do not fall in love with me.

Okay.

Oh! Okay.

So you're a sleepwalker

and you have never tried spicy mustard,

and you went to Comic-Con to meet Turtle from "Entourage."

He's so nice.

You know what's super cool about telling women all of this?

What?

This is girl repellant.

Who would respond to all this oversharing?

Well, so far, Bethany

and a few older women who need American citizenship.

Right. So the only way to fix this is to burn it down,

start anew.

Or you could do nothing and let me live my life.

Oh, you're so funny.

I'm gonna put that in the profile.

[ "Doom Doom Ta" by TRI.BE plays ]

♪ Doom, doom, ta, doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Doom, doom, ta, doom, doom, ta ♪

♪ Doom, doom, ta, doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

I love that song.

I know face masks were created

to uphold unrealistic beauty standards.

But this lime-avocado mask smells so delicious.

Hey, real talk.

I could not remember which bowls I put the masks in.

We could just be wearing guacamole.

That explains the cilantro in my ear.

Oh, shoot.

I'm gonna be late to study with Luke.

No, no, no, no, no. You cannot leave just yet.

Please, just stay for one more dance.

Hey, we're trending up right now.

I will play that ridiculously amazing song again.

Let's do it.

♪ Doom, doom, ta, doom, doom, ta ♪

♪ Doom, doom, ta, doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

It's iffy. You know how it go--

Sorry. Yeah. My friend finally arrived.

Mm-hmm. She's super late.

[ Exhales sharply ] I agree. She should've called.

Luke --

I'm trying to make you feel bad with this fake phone call.

Yeah, I'm gonna hit you back.

Hmm? Yeah. Sushi sounds great.

I mean, you know that I'll be on time.

I'm... I'm sorry I'm late.

It's just...My mom ran into a ton of traffic.

Huh. That's weird.

You must be talking about Web traffic,

because, um... let me just show you exhibit A!

Ooh, 324 likes.

Look, it was fun,

and I don't get to do that often with the girls.

So you're "the girls" now, huh? Yeah?

If that ends with a "Z,"

I'm gonna throw myself out the window.

We're on the first floor. You'll be fine.

We have a world history test tomorrow.

This studying could be the difference

between passing and failing.

And if I fail, I'm gonna have to go to some --

some rinky-dink party school like Cornell.

And then it is goodbye, Goldman Sachs,

hello, Deloitte and Touche,

making low six figures, barely any stock options.

And it'd all be on you.

Fine.

Are we gonna study or what?

Fine.

Cool.

'Cause God forbid you don't have a vacation home

when you grow up.

I know you're kidding, but that gave me the chills.

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love right now ♪

All righty.

I'm ready to learn from the Stare-Master.

Are you sure you want to take the red pill?

Because once I teach you, you can never go back.

Take me to the dark side and leave me there.

I need to know your intentions with this power.

I want respect and a sense of presence

and to be able to make people who deserve it

feel small and inadequate.

Works for me.

Okay. Here's the secret, kid.

Close your eyes.

Imagine something that brings you pure joy.

Ben Platt becoming a mainstream star.

I like him.

No. No one knows who that is.

Liar. His vibrato is effortless.

Good. Get furious.

Channel all that anger and outrage into your eyes.

Oh, I don't know what that is, but I know it's wrong.

I'm actually a pretty happy person.

Why?

Close your eyes.

Overalls aren't a fashion choice.

They're for farmers.

You go to hell, lady.

Yes! Use it.

Thank you.

Don't thank me. Go abuse your power.

Kids are fun.

♪♪

[ Clattering ]

What are you doing?

We're supposed to be studying in the library.

I can't.

I mean, I-I know I said I would,

but then I thought working out would be more fun,

so I decided to not tell you and come do this instead.

Great.

Because thanks to you,

I was totally unprepared and bombed our world history test.

I felt like the Germans

when the British led a surprise tank attack

in Cambrai in December of 1917.

Actually, it was November.

Well, I would've known that if you hadn't ditched me

to put guacamole dip on your face.

So from now on,

I'm gonna be studying with the only guy who really gets me.

Me -- Luke -- A.K.A. Carol's special boy.

Goodbye, Makayla.

You realize these things don't actually go anywhere, right?

Okay. Whatever.

I'm still w-walking away.

Fine. I'll come join you.

[ Treadmills beeping ]

I'm getting ahead of you.

Oh. Looks like I'm catching up.

Well, I'm picking it up more.

Ooh. You're like a speck in the distance!

Okay. Well, you know what? You're like -- You're like a --

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

Are you okay?

No. Just leave me alone, okay?

I know you blame me for getting a bad grade, but --

There was no bad grade.

In fact, I answered the extra credit and got 105.

Seriously?

What do you expect? I'm Luke.

I'm Carol's special boy.

So you have been guilting me this whole time for nothing?

W-What the hell is this about?

If you have to ask, you're never gonna know.

Ow. Ow.

[ Door closes ]

Hey, could you set up the treadmill for me?

No, Miles. Do it yourself.

What speed do you want?

♪♪

...and that's why it's unfathomable

that anyone could argue plastic straws are better.

Solid point.

Too bad the topic was the North Korean missile crisis.

Yeah. I haven't studied that yet.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt your study sesh.

No, no, no. Don't worry about it. We were all leaving anyway.

Hold on. You guys have been here for like five minutes.

It was worth a shot.

Okay. So, I kind of have to thank you.

Your revamped profile helped me land a date tonight.

Ooh! She is out of your league!

Uncool. But I know, right?

Okay, remember that the reason the profile worked

is 'cause I left a little mystery.

So don't go undoing that by oversharing on your first date.

Please. I do not overshare.

Really? Anyone want to get in on this?

Your favorite movie is "Hope Floats."

Your favorite day is Thursday

'cause you get to call it "Friday Junior."

You get nosebleeds when you take too much Advil.

More common than you think.

Okay. Well, being an open book is kind of my thing.

A-And besides, it's good to be honest about who you are.

Yeah. It's also good to floss every day, but nobody does that.

Whoa. What?!

That is nasty.

This is actually a great debate topic --

whether to be completely transparent on the first date...

...or make a great fake version of yourself

so that the person gets so sucked in

they don't run away screaming when they meet the real you.

Guys, there's no way Mr. Escalante

wants me to debate him about that.

Pro...

...women love transparency and they hate playing games.

Con -- Women say those things,

but they don't actually mean them.

[ Bell chimes ]

I'm really sorry to hear that.

But withholding information is how you end up

in a five-year relationship with a woman

who expects you to give daily insulin injections to her cat

but never once tries to get along with your sweet mother.

That feels very specific.

Con -- When you're trying to sell a house,

you don't scare off potential home buyers

by showing them all the crap in your attic.

Pro -- Is the crap in my attic all my psychological baggage?

And, yes, I know I'm losing!

Look, Elliot, you are trying to be a fixer-upper

when you should be an empty lot.

She wants to find a listing that she thinks she can afford,

and then you just let her build her dream house.

Someone's been watching a lot of "Property Brothers."

No woman should be able to answer

your password security questions before you've even met.

No woman?

Yeah, but --

What if they --

Debate over.

Do I even want to know the final score?

You do not.

♪ Baby, you're the queen of hearts ♪

♪ You know how to play your cards ♪

♪ You keep 'em facedown ♪

This has been the worst day.

Guys, this has been the best day.

Wait. Shouldn't you be studying with Makayla?

Or, like I like to call you guys, Makluke.

Oh, no. Actually, it's Lukayla.

Oh, my God. That's so much better.

Well, now it's just Luke.

Oh, that sounds like none of my business.

Spill it, bud. What happened?

Well, she was late to our study session.

Let me guess. And then she didn't apologize?

No, she totally did.

I knew it. What?

And then she showed up early to our next study session,

and I, uh, forced her into a treadmill war.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

I don't know what that means.

I don't want to talk about it, okay?

I see.

So you want to be a typical guy

who doesn't want to seem vulnerable,

so you're gonna shove all your feelings inside

and just be really mean to everyone?

Yes! S-She totally gets it.

Luke, take it from somebody that knows a lot of dudes like that.

Girls like guys that are open books.

I know I would kill for that.

Oh, shoot!

That's exactly the opposite of what you told Mr. Escalante.

[ Exhales sharply ] I got to go.

♪♪

Hey.

I brought over a box of study supplies you left at my house --

and, weirdly, your photo of Dick Cheney.

Oh. No. That's my grandma.

Oh.

Thanks for coming by.

Uh, hold on. My phone's buzzing. Bzz. Bzz.

I got to take this.

Um, yeah. Yeah, she's here.

No, I haven't told her I feel really bad

about how I behaved.

You're being a typical guy!

I've had enough of this bit, okay?

I got to go, man. She's all mad.

What's really going on?

I don't know.

I-I-I guess I was just a little jealous

that you ditched me for the girlz-z-z.

I was just looking to have

a little bit of fun with my friends.

I know our moms always make us study together,

but I guess I just thought we were friends, you know?

We are.

Cool.

Great.

Why did you torture me

instead of just telling me your feelings were hurt?

Hi. I'm Luke. I thought we'd met?

♪♪

Hey.

I need to tell you something before your date arrives.

Oh, actually, she --

which is surprising, because people always say

that I have my act together when it comes to relationships.

And do these people live in your head?

Some of them.

Look, being open is amazing.

And the girl who's right for you

should know every odd and wonderful thing about you,

like how you like to finger dance competitively

and how you kind of still believe in the Tooth Fairy.

I'm just saying -- I live alone,

and I still sometimes find money under my pillow.

So...

Okay. You can go now.

No. It's important because it's part of the puzzle that is you.

Like how you want to have a Harry Potter-themed wedding.

Yeah. The tables will be decided by the Sorting Hat.

Okay, chatty Kathy. We're having a private conversation.

Alicia...meet my date.

Oh, my God.

I'm in your seat!

Uh, my butt made it warm.

That made it weird. Okay.

I'm gonna go. You guys have fun.

And, wow, you are so hot.

Wait. Hold on. You know about his, like, weird stuff?

Yeah. I thought it was really refreshing that he was so open.

[ Laughs ] I'm Jess.

Well, if we're being honest, I actually made Elliot's profile,

so you're kind of my date.

I love that your motto is "rosé all day"

and that you are low maintenance.

'Cause so am I, girl.

She's not. Like, at all.

Wait. You catfished me?

No! No, no, no. No, no. No.

She kind of just hijacked my profile

and I was too scared to take it back,

and then the kids at school were giving me advice --

I'm blowing it?!

No. Did you just hear yourself?

[ Both speaking Spanish ]

"Mi date," "my date." No --

Hey! Come on. Focus --

♪♪

Wow. She got out of here fast.

[ Exhales sharply ] Dodged that bullet. Am I right?

Sorry.

Will you please forgive me?

Always. All right. Come on.

Someone's got to help me eat these damn table fries.

Oh, oh, oh. Wait. What about that waitress?

You know, I think I'm gonna find future Mrs. Escalante on my own.

Got it. Yep. I'm out.

Will you let me believe my own lie for like one second?

My bad. [ Laughs ]

Oh, also, I need you to say that I give good advice.

[ Groans ] Okay! Okay. All right.

You sometimes...

...give good --

No. I can't do it. Couldn't get there.

Geez.

You are gonna find that girl someday.

Well, fry cheers to that.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, I was promised dinner and a show.

So...let's see some competitive finger dancing?

No. You don't want to see that.

No, I do not.

But this is the only time I'll do it, so...

Five, six, seven, eight.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Oh! Break dance!

♪♪

[ Bell ringing ]

Hey! What's up, man?

I-I haven't seen you in the last couple days.

What have you been up to?

You know, just... learnin' somethin'.

Check this out.

Um, wow. You learned the Maris Stare?!

Yeah. There's darkness in me.

NBD.

Congratulations.

So, what have you been up to?

Oh, nothing much.

I got into, like, a thing with Makayla,

and Ms. Gomez told me to be honest about my feelings.

Oh. Did you listen to her?

I did for a sec, but I think I'm done.

Thank God.

Hey!

That was the second bell. Get to class.

I-I love class.

I'm just gonna stand and...

enjoy the hallway air for a second.

Are ya?

That's really cute.

But you have your stare turned up to full volume.

I haven't even touched my dial yet.

But you know what?

I can blast it on full power if you like.

It's...your...call.

No. Yeah. You were totally right.

That was second bell. I'm gonna go.

Smart kid.

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love right now ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Up down, all around ♪

♪ Turn my stomach upside down ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Down south, hood baby ♪

♪ Hood baby ♪

♪ Make all the girls go crazy ♪

♪ Go, go, go stupid ♪

♪ But you smart like an A-plus student ♪

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love right now ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Up down, all around ♪

♪ Turn my stomach upside down ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪