Original subtitles

[ Man ] GO. GO!

OH, UM, HI.

UH, MY NAME IS MARY O'REILLY O'TOOLE O'SHEA, AND, UH--

[ Man ] DON'T BE NERVOUS. DON'T BE NERVOUS.

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IS THE ISLAND MY FRIEND MUFFY OWNS.

IT'S SPRING BREAK,

AND SHE'S INVITED US OVER THERE FOR THE WEEKEND.

AND-- UH-HUH.

WE'RE WAITING FOR THE FERRY NOW TO TAKE US THERE, AND, UH-- AND?

[ Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

[ Man ] WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?

OH, ALL RIGHT. SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF.

YEAH.

WE-- UM, I WANT TO WORK WITH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN.

AND MY PARENTS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.

OH, AND I START CONVENT SCHOOL NEXT SEMESTER...

AND I FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE.

[ Laughter ] APRIL FOOL'S.

WELL, NIKKI, BABY, YOU'RE OUTRAGEOUS!

NOW GET OUT OF HERE, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.

[ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. UH, KIT. KIT, HOW 'BOUT YOU?

I PASS. UH, ARCH, SKIP, WHERE ARE YOU?

[ Clears Throat ] YEAH, YEAH. UH, YEAH. COME ON. HELP ME OUT.

YEAH, SURE. UH-HUH. I FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE.

[ Laughing ] DIDN'T WE? WE DID. ON THE FIRST DATE.

DIDN'T WE, HONEY? HE'S AN ANIMAL. GET OFF OF ME.

[ Woman Sighs ] OH, SHIT!

NEED ANY HELP DOWN THERE?

NO. CLARA, THANKS. I'M JUST TRYING SOME LAST MINUTE STRAIGHTENING UP DOWN HERE.

GOD, I DON'T THINK I'VE WORKED SO HARD IN MY LIFE.

- OW. - YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAY?

THERE'S GONNA BE NOBODY AROUND HERE TO HELP TILL THE FIRST FERRY BACK MONDAY, YOU KNOW.

NO. CLARA, YOU'RE A PEACH. THIS ONE'S MINE.

I TOLD MY FATHER I'D DO IT, AND I WILL, MY WAY.

WE DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE ANY EXCUSES.

ALL RIGHT THEN. HAVE A NICE PARTY.

NICE?

IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN NICE.

IT'S GONNA BE BLOODY UNFORGETTABLE.

GOOD LUCK.

- [ Girl Screaming ] - [ Laughter ]

[ Gulls Squawking ]

[ Horn Blowing ] HERE COMES THE FERRY.

[ Horn Continues ]

COME ON. I CALL SHOTGUN.

[ Woman ] IS THIS THE FERRY TO THE ST. JOHN HOUSE? YEAH, ANY SECOND NOW.

OH, GOD. THANK GOODNESS. I DIDN'T KNOW IF I WAS ON THE RIGHT ROAD OR NOT.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU. KIT GRAHAM.

NAN YOUNGBLOOD. HI, AND THAT'S NIKKI BRASHEARS.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON STAYING A WHILE?

UM, NO, IT'S JUST SOME--

SOME WORK FOR FINALS WHEN WE GET BACK.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW FAR BEHIND I AM. HI, HOW'S IT GOING?

I GOT IT. HI. ARCH CUMMINGS. HI. NAN.

I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND. JEWETT HALL, RIGHT? YEAH.

CHAZ VYSHINSKY. YOU'VE GOT GREAT LEGS.

CHAZ, NOW THAT SHE ALREADY HAS HER BAGS--

I ONLY MET MUFFY THIS TERM... IN DRAMA SOCIETY.

I VOLUNTEERED TO DO THEIR COSTUMES.

I LIKE TO SEW.

DID YOU SEE HER IN GHOSTS? NO.

OH, SHE WAS WONDERFUL. SHE'S SO TALENTED.

[ Chuckles ] YEAH, SHE IS.

[ Chuckles ]

GUY, YOUR FLY IS OPEN...

AND YOUR HOSTESS TWINKIE IS HANGING OUT.

HUH?

- [ Chuckles ] - COME ON IF YOU'RE COMING.

UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR SOMEONE--

THIS IS FRIDAY-- MY LAST RUN OF THE WEEK. I DON'T GET PAID OVERTIME.

BUT YOU HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY WAY OVER...

AND IF HE MISSES THIS ONE, THEN HOW IS HE SUP-- [ Car Horn Honking ]

WAIT UP! [ Cheering ]

GO, GO, GO, GO!

SORRY, GUYS. NIK, CHAZ, HI.

ROB FERRIS. HI. HI.

WHOA! HI, HARVEY HAL EDISON, JR.

BUT, PLEASE, CALL ME HAL. ONLY MY FOLKS CALL ME HARVE, AND I JUST CAN'T STAND IT.

UH, SURE IS A PRETTY SPOT HERE, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH MUFFY ST. JOHN?

SURE AM. WE SIT TOGETHER IN ECON 345.

I LET HER COPY MY MARGINAL UTILITY CURVES.

OH, I GET IT. THAT'S A JOKE!

HARVE-- HAL! SPRINGSTEEN! STILL THE BOSS!

[ Chuckles ]

OKAY, LET'S GO. WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

[ Hal ] YOU ALL, UH, BUDDIES?

EXCEPT FOR SKIP AND NAN. THEY ONLY JUST MET.

BUT WE WILL BE.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY TO HIM, THOUGH. HE'S MUFFY'S COUSIN.

OH, NO KIDDING! DISTANT.

OVER THE HORIZON. OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN INVITED. UH-HUH.

OLD MONEY NEVER MIXES FAMILY WITH FRIENDS.

THIS IS TRUE, FOR AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN HER.

OR TO PROTECT HER FAMILY, I GUESS.

NO, TO KEEP HER FRIENDS.

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS, BIG GUY. [ Chuckles ]

HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THIS? YOU UP FOR A GAME OF STRETCH?

OKAY. SKIP, YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

EAT IT.

AH, ROB. YOUR FLY... IS OPEN.

OKAY, DON'T BELIEVE ME.

OH, NICE. [ Engine Starting ]

WE'RE OFF.

BYE.

OH! WHOO!

[ Laughing ] FIRST ROUND, THE CHAMP!

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND AMAZING? MUFFY'S HER REAL NAME.

I MEAN, MY NAME'S HARVEY, BUT THEY CALL ME HAL.

SO I FIGURED MUFFY MUST STAND FOR SOMETHING-- MUFFIN?

MUFF-CHILD, MOFFO, THE MUFFSTER, MUFF 'N' STUFF.

MUFF DIVE. [ Chuckling ]

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Coughs ] HI, WHAT ARE YOU READING?

UH, MILTON'S PARADISE LOST.

FOR PROFESSOR RUSSO'S COURSE IN ENGLISH EPIC.

HMM. YOU KNOW, IT'S A SHAME.

IT'S A DYING FORM. DYING.

NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE READ IT NOWADAYS, EVEN IN COLLEGE.

REALLY?

[ Scoffs ] WHAT ABOUT YOU?

OH, UH, TREASURE ISLAND, THE HISTORY OF PORNOGRAPHY IN AMERICA.

KIT, I'M A STATE UNIVERSITY BOY.

I DON'T HAVE THE PERKS LIKE SOME OF YOU PRIVATE COLLEGE KIDS DO. NO, NO. DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

FIRST, THOUGH, I'M HOPING TO INTERVIEW WITH HER DADDY'S COMPANY,

SOUTHERN REGIONAL SALES, NEXT YEAR BEFORE GRADUATION.

YOU KNOW, HE'S WORTH MORE THAN 50 MILLION OVER THE COUNTER.

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHY SHE INVITED ME, DO YOU?

I MEAN, MY GOD, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE SHELTERED, LITTLE COLLEGE KIDS OUR WHOLE LIFE.

WAKE UP. SMELL THE BACON, NAN.

IT'S RESEARCH THAT I CAN DO ALL ON MY OWN.

AND THIS IS THE BEST PART.

I NEVER GET TIRED OF IT.

YOU WANNA TAKE A LOOK?

HMM? [ Sniffing ]

BRUCE'S CAR WAS IN THE SHOP.

I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY-- BUT THAT'S NOT MY POINT.

[ Grunts ] FUCK!

OH, MY GOD!

[ Bird Screeching ]

WE'RE GONNA SPEND A WEEKEND THERE?

[ Skip ] WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING WIMP?

HEY, I'M REALLY NOT THAT INTERESTED ANYMORE.

[ Laughing ] COME ON, MAN. JUST ONE MORE! DOUBLE OR NOTHING!

HERE. ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

OH, WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU, SCARED? HEY, I SAID GIVE IT A REST!

- OH, FUCK! - [ Screams ]

I'LL GET HIM. I'LL GET HIM.

[ Indistinct Shouting ]

WHERE IS HE, GUYS? WHERE IS HE?

[ Skip ] HI!

WHAT YOU LOOKING FOR? [ Laughing ]

WE GOT 'EM! OH, YEAH, DID WE NAIL 'EM!

[ Chaz ] HA, HA, HA. APRIL FOOL'S. VERY FUNNY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? SOMEBODY COULD HAVE GOTTEN VERY HURT OUT THERE.

OH, AT LEAST WE DON'T GO FOR "THIS SHOELACE IS UNTIED" CRAP.

YOU KNOW THAT. [ Laughs ]

OH, GREAT! SHIT!

[ Laughter Continues ]

OKAY, BUCK. COME ON OUT OF THERE.

COME ON. I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP UP HERE.

NO, NO. I'LL JUST DO IT FROM HERE.

THROW ME THE LINE.

THIS ONE? THAT'S THE ONE. THAT'LL WORK.

THANK YOU.

SOME HERO YOU TURNED OUT TO BE.

I TOOK OFF MY JACKET AND SHOES. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

THERE WERE THREE GUYS IN THE WATER. CHAZ.

I'M ONLY KIDDING. NIKKI, CAN WE BORROW YOUR TOWEL?

[ Nikki ] YEAH. [ Engine Restarts ]

[ Laughing ] H-HEY.

YOU GUYS GOT TO ADMIT-- YOU GUYS GOT TO ADMIT IT WAS A HELL OF A TRICK.

I LOVED IT. UNFORGETTABLE.

[ Horn Blows ]

- BUCK, LOOK OUT! - [ Buck Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

- OH, SHIT! - CALL A MEDIC!

[ Screaming Continues ]

CALM HIM DOWN!

CALM HIM DOWN!

- WE GOTTA GET HIM TO A DOCTOR! - CAL!

- CAL! - THE BOAT!

THE BOAT! [ Indistinct Shouting ]

CALM HIM DOWN!

[ Buck Screaming ] THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT!

WHAT'S GOING ON? SAM, WHAT HAPPENED?

TRICKS. PRANKS. ASK YOUR FRIENDS.

IS YOUR DAD AROUND? NO, HE'S IN SUTTON PLACE. WHY?

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM OR ANYONE ELSE? NO.

UH, LOOK. I'M GONNA HAVE TO BORROW YOUR BOAT TO GET BACK TO SHORE.

WE KEEP ALL THE KEYS ON A BOARD IN THE KITCHEN.

BUT I THINK THERE'S AN EXTRA ONE UNDERNEATH THE CUSHION THERE.

LOOK, YOU PEOPLE.

STAY PUT, ALL OF YOU.

IF ANYTHING ELSE HAPPENS OR IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO BUCK,

I WANNA KNOW JUST WHERE TO FIND YOU.

SKIP, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

SURE. DID YOU SEE HIS FACE?

[ Skip ] MUFFY. NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO HER.

WELL, THERE'S AN AWFUL LOT TO BE DONE WITH THIS PLACE.

YOU SOUND AS IF YOU OWN IT. I WILL.

IF ALL GOES WELL, NEXT MONTH, WHEN I TURN 21,

IT'S MY FIRST STAGE OF INHERITANCE.

FIRST STAGE? WHAT'S YOUR SECOND?

TAXES. YOU MAY BE TALKING TO YOUR FUTURE BOSS, HARVE.

[ Gasps ] NIKKI,

BURN MY BAGS, BABY.

I AM HOME!

OH, YEAH! I COULD GET REALLY USED TO THIS.

WE USED TO SPEND ALL OUR SUMMERS HERE BEFORE MY MOTHER DIED.

THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE TO ME.

IT'S LIKE A DREAM.

ON A CLEAR DAY, YOU CAN SEE THE KENNEDYS.

WOW! YOU GUYS, LOOK AT THIS.

♪ [ Humming Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey ]

OH, MUFFERS! OUR VERY OWN PLACE SETTINGS...

WITH OUR VERY OWN PLACE CARDS...

AND A HIS AND HER LITTLE DOLLY!

IT'S JUST LIKE IN AGATHA CHRISTIE. AND SPORKS!

"SPORKS"? AND NAPKINS WITH LITTLE BUNNIES ON 'EM.

GEE, MUFF, YOU REALLY SPARED NO EXPENSE.

WELL, NOW, HOW DO YOU THINK DADDY MADE HIS MONEY?

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY-- HE INHERITED IT.

I USED TO HAVE ALL OF HER OUTFITS.

HOLD IT! NOW DON'T ANYBODY MOVE,

BUT BEFORE THIS NIGHT IS OVER, SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM...

[ Evil Laugh ]

WILL PULL HIS WANG.

[ Nikki ] "MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WAS, 'A,' PAINFUL AND DEGRADING,

"'B,' NOT SO HOT, BUT I REALLY CARED ABOUT HIM,

"'C,' I WAS READY TO TRY AGAIN...

OR 'D,' WILDLY EXCITING-- I HAD AN ORGASM."

"A" AND PART OF "B."

"A" AND "B." "PAINFUL AND DEGRADING," "NOT SO HOT, BUT I REALLY CARED ABOUT HIM."

[ Kit ] AW! AW, THAT'S SO SWEET!

[ Laughs ] I'LL TAKE "B."

"NOT SO HOT, BUT I REALLY CARED ABOUT HIM."

WAS IT ROB?

UH, NO, IT WASN'T ROB.

[ Kit ] UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU, NIKKI?

UM... "A" AND "D,"

"PAINFUL AND DEGRADING," "WILDLY EXCITING-- I HAD AN ORGASM."

WHAT CAN I SAY? UH-- [ Clears Throat ] [ Laughing ]

ANYWAY, "THE ONE THING I HAVEN'T TRIED YET...

"BUT AM INTENSELY CURIOUS ABOUT IS:

"'A,' ORAL SEX,

"'B,' ANAL ENTRY,

"'C,' S AND M, 'D,' GROUP SEX,

'E,' LESBIAN SEX OR 'F,' ALL OF THE ABOVE."

WHAT WAS "C"?

HI, MY NAME IS MARY O'TOOLE O'REILLY O'SHEA,

AND I WANT TO GO TO CONVENT SCHOOL AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

WELCOME. WELCOME TO MY HOME...

AND LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND UNDESERVING.

UH, MY NAME IS ARCH CUMMINGS, AND I'M ON A MISSION HERE.

I'M ON A MISSION TO BED AS MANY WOMEN AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

NAN'S OUT, TO BE HONEST.

UH... SHE LIKES THE THEATER,

AND, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

YEAH, SHE'S OUT OF THOSE FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

POOR BOY CAN SAY, "FUCK YOU, DAD.

I'M MY OWN PERSON."

WHAT'S HIS FATHER GONNA DO, KICK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE?

DISINHERIT HIM?

HIS LIFE WON'T HAVE CHANGED MUCH.

HE'S GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

HIS FATHER'S LOVE.

[ Scoffs ]

THAT WAS LOST A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.

SKIP, BLAMING YOURSELF WON'T MAKE BUCK ANY BETTER.

HI. HI.

TA-DA! BOY, MUFFY, YOU SURE KNOW...

HOW TO MAKE A GUY LOOK FORWARD TO... DESSERT.

PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE DING-DONGS.

ST. JOHN HOSPITALITY TAKEN TO THE EXTREME.

[ Hal ] I THINK IT'S REAL FRIENDLY. MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

- [ Kit ] HOW ARE WE GONNA FEEL AFTER THESE BEANS? - [ Flatulence ]

[ Flatulence Continues ]

YOU GUYS! [ Laughter ]

CARE FOR SOME BEANS?

[ Laughter Continues ]

[ Howling ]

[ Howling Continues ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Distant Crash ]

I WONDER HOW BUCK'S DOING.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD CALL OR SOMETHING? I'LL CALL LATER.

I'M SURE HE'S GETTING THE BEST MEDICAL CARE AVAILABLE, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS, LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

WELL... UH,

HARVE'S GOT HIS JOB INTERVIEW ALL FIGURED OUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? DOES ANYONE KNOW...

WHAT THEY'RE GONNA BE DOING AFTER GRADUATION?

[ Laughing ] [ Laughter ]

- GOOD CHOICE, ARCH. - [ Arch ] THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

HERE WE ARE, PRIVILEGED, INDEPENDENT,

THE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE RIGHT AT THIS TABLE.

NOT ONE OF US KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

ROB KNOWS. KIT, COME ON.

ROB IS GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.

NO SHIT. YOU GOT EARLY ACCEPTANCE?

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS AT SOME OTHER TIME.

WHY? YOU ALREADY HAD THE MEETING WITH YOUR COUNSELOR.

KIT, I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

[ Rob ] NO, NO, I DON'T MIND. [ Kit ] HEY, WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE, RIGHT?

SORT OF.

HE SAID TO FORGET IT.

HE SAID THAT MY GRADES MIGHT BE OKAY,

BUT, WELL, BASICALLY, I POSSESS AN ESSENTIAL LACK OF SERIOUSNESS.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY LOOK FOR.

[ Arch ] HIM TOO? THAT'S WHAT MY GUY SAID.

I SAID, "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

"I MEAN, HOW CAN ANYONE BE SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING...

"WHEN SOME MORON CAN STEAL A BOMB OR PUSH A BUTTON...

AND NUKE US ALL UNTIL OUR SHADOWS GLOW?"

HE WASN'T IMPRESSED WITH THAT, BUT--

[ Laughing ]

OH, WHAT'S THIS? DOM PERIGNON SPARKLING ROSE? [ Kit ] OH!

SMELLS LIKE RIPPLE.

[ Nikki ] YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF AGAIN, ST. JOHN.

CAN I MAKE A TOAST?

WELL...

SOMEONE ONCE SAID TO ME...

TO CHERISH THE FRIENDS YOU MAKE IN COLLEGE.

I TRY TO CHERISH ALL THE FRIENDS I MAKE. [ Laughter ]

STOP IT! BECAUSE--

BECAUSE THEY'LL BE THE FRIENDS YOU CHERISH MOST FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

SO... WELL, HERE'S TO US.

AND HERE'S TO MY LIFE...

BECAUSE I'M VERY GLAD TO BE HERE...

AND TO BE A PART OF ALL OF YOU.

MUFFY, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ADD TO THAT?

WHY ME?

[ Nan Laughing ] BECAUSE YOU'RE THE HOSTESS.

[ Muffy Giggling ]

[ Clears Throat ]

OKAY. IN HIS LIFE OF JOHNSON,

JAMES BOSWELL SAID,

"WE CANNOT PREDICT THE PRECISE MOMENT WHEN FRIENDSHIPS ARE FORMED.

"AS IN FILLING A VESSEL, DROP BY DROP,

THERE IS AT LAST ONE WHICH MAKES IT RUN OVER."

[ Snoring ]

"SO, IN A SERIES--"

"SO, IN A SERIES OF KINDNESSES,

"THERE IS AT LAST ONE... WHICH MAKES THE HEART RUN OVER.

"SO, WITH HIS TOAST,

MAY OUR HEARTS RUN OVER AND OUR FRIENDSHIPS BE FORMED."

ALL RIGHT. OH, CHEERS!

[ Together ] CHEERS! [ Arch ] GOING DOWN.

OKAY. MMM!

- OH, MY GOD! - OH, NO!

- MUFFY! - [ Laughing ]

APRIL FOOL.

WOW, WHAT IS THIS, THE BRIDAL SUITE?

YOU LIKE IT? I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED THE ROOM.

I'LL FIND A USE FOR IT.

MUFFY.

UM, I KNOW YOU AND ARCH HAD SOMETHING GOING BEFORE I MET HIM.

ARCH IS SWEET, BUT HE ONLY HAS TWO EXPRESSIONS--

COLLAR UP AND COLLAR DOWN.

YEAH, I FOUND THAT OUT.

UM... GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY NOW IS--

UM... WELL, YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO GET THERE FIRST,

BUT THIS TIME CHAZ IS MINE, OKAY?

- WHAT ABOUT HAL? - HARVEY?

MR. JUNIOR ACHIEVEMENT? OH, PLEASE!

YUCK!

NOW DON'T-- DON'T TRY TO TELL ME YOU HADN'T THOUGHT OF ME IN THAT WAY, MUFFY.

WHY, I FELT THE SPARK BETWEEN US...

THE VERY FIRST TIME WE EVER LAID EYES ON EACH OTHER.

IN ECON 345.

WHY, JUST THINK OF IT, MUFFY.

WITH MY-- MY TALENT...

AND YOUR...

MONEY--

NO.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME PRIVACY.

[ Clears Throat ]

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

UNLESS MUFFY KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT US... WE DON'T.

HOLD ME, BIG FELLA. HOLD ME!

JUST HOLSTER IT, COWBOY, WILL YA?

LET'S PLAY HIDE THE SAUSAGE.

[ Laughing ] GIDDYAP!

OH, HOLD ME LIKE A MAN, GENERAL! STOP IT!

WHY, JUST THINK OF IT, MUFFERS.

WITH MY RAW, DRIVIN' TALENT...

[ Chuckles ]

AND YOUR, UH--

AND YOUR--

[ Door Opens ]

WRONG ROOM.

[ Loud Pop ]

SHIT.

[ Gasps ] AH! AH!

AW, COME ON.

[ Water Running ]

[ Baby Crying ]

[ Crying Continues ]

[ Water Stops ]

[ Crying Continues ]

[ Crying Stops ]

ROB?

ARE YOU STILL ANGRY WITH ME?

ABOUT DINNER?

NO.

I'M SORRY. I'M NOT ANGRY AT YOU.

I'M JUST-- JUST ANGRY.

[ Chuckles ]

OW! JESUS! [ Laughing ]

VERY FUNNY.

[ Laughing Continues ]

BOO! MUFFY. [ Gasps ]

ARCH. [ Both Chuckle ]

HI, MUFF. HI. AH, AH, HMM.

UM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, LOVE?

MM-HMM! [ Squealing ] OH, MY GOD!

[ Chuckling ]

GOOD NIGHT.

[ Sighs ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moans ]

MMM. OH, WAIT. OH!

[ Bed Springs Squeaking ]

- REAL FUNNY, YOU GUYS! - [ Moaning ]

[ Arch ] BETTER RIDE THAN YOU CAN GIVE ME!

[ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ]

[ Chuckling ]

HELLO?

SHIT.

[ Creak ] WHO'S THERE?

[ Cat Meows ] OH, FUCK!

[ Cat Meows ] JESUS CHRIST!

FUCKIN' CAT.

OH, GOD.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunting ]

MORNIN'.

I WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE ABOUT BUCK, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO--

[ Rob ] GOOD MORNING.

I WAS JUST HUNGRY.

I MUST LOOK A MESS.

OH! GOOD MORNING, MUFF.

I FORGOT TO GET DRESSED.

SO WHO MADE HER NIGHT?

[ Chuckling ] I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE'S SKIP?

THAT DEPENDS WHAT HE'S ON.

YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTA BE KIDDING. BYE-BYE.

HEY, NAN. NAN, WHAT ABOUT IT? COME ON.

NO, THANKS.

BESIDES, I THOUGHT I'D WAIT TO SEE WHAT MUFFY WANTED TO DO.

CHAZ!

[ Nikki Yelling ] [ Arch Hooting ]

NIKKI! OH, OH, OH!

- CHAZ, CALM DOWN! - [ Chuckling ]

WHOA! HE COMES DOWN WITH IT!

I GOT IT! NO, THAT'S MY BAD KNEE!

I GOT IT! I GOT NIKKI, YOU GET THE BALL. NO!

[ Chattering ]

[ Hal ] I'VE GOT HER. SHE'S COVERED.

[ Chaz ] HARVEY, HARVEY! [ Laughing, Clapping ]

GOOD ONE, HARVE! GOOD ONE, HARVE!

[ Playful Shouting, Chattering ]

BEHIND YA, BABY!

[ Sighs ]

HEY, ROB. WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M JUST THINKING...

ABOUT THAT MEETING I HAD WITH MY ADVISER.

MAN, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE.

HE ALWAYS SAID YOU WEREN'T SERIOUS ENOUGH.

KIT, MAYBE IT'S CRAZY YOU INVESTING SO MUCH ENERGY IN ME.

OH, YEAH, SURE. YOU FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT ME NOW.

WHAT ABOUT A YEAR FROM NOW WHEN I'M A TV REPAIRMAN?

ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS UP THERE ARE-- ROB.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I KNOW. I TOLD YOU. I'M RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I KNOW.

I'M RIGHT. I SAID I'M RIGHT.

THERE'S NO QUESTION. I'M RIGHT.

YOU'RE A JERK.

HUH! GOD. I AM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

COME HERE, BABY.

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

SKIP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

SKIP! SKIP!

RESPECTABLE YOUNG QUAKER COUPLE...

RETURNING FROM QUIET AFTERNOON OF NONVIOLENT SEX.

SO HOW WAS IT?

WHERE'S SKIP? HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIM?

[ Nikki ] WHO WANTS TO KNOW? GODDAMN IT!

CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER?

[ Kit ] WE JUST SAW HIM DOWN AT THE BOATHOUSE, DRIFTING BY ON A BOAT.

AND HE WASN'T MOVING. HE LOOKED DEAD, UNLESS HE WAS JOKING--

WELL, IF IT WAS SKIP-- I SAW HIS FACE, CHAZ!

LOOK. HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIM SINCE LAST NIGHT?

JESUS CHRIST!

WELL, WE'LL LOOK FOR HIM. I'LL GO WITH YOU. COME ON.

I'M COMING TOO.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

SKIP? HEY, ASSHOLE!

HEY, SKIP! HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

LOOK AT THIS.

SKIP'S KNIFE.

THINK IT WAS THAT GUY ON THE FERRY?

I DON'T KNOW. MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

I SAY WE GO LOOKING FOR HIM.

HIM OR SKIP. ONE OF 'EM HAS GOTTA BE AROUND HERE.

YOU MEAN SPLIT UP? YEAH. LET'S NOT--

NO SUCKER'S TAKING ME IN.

[ Gasps ]

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE AVOIDING ME.

I GUESS IT'S YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE.

THAT'S WHY YOU INVITED ME HERE, ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT, FROM ONE OF YOUR PREPPY FRIENDS?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH. YOU MEAN THE TAPE JUST GOT THERE, JUST APPEARED?

[ Nan ] YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE FRIENDS.

SKIP!

[ Branch Snaps ]

SKIP?

SKIP?

[ Branch Snaps ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Gasps ]

ANY SIGN OF SKIP?

NO LUCK HERE.

WELL, WHERE'S ARCH? [ Chaz ] HE WAS WITH YOU!

SHIT! THAT'S IT.

I DON'T LIKE THIS. I DEFINITELY DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS.

IT'S TIME TO CALL THE POLICE.

8248. CONSTABLE POTTER HAS AN OFFICE AT HIS HOME.

COME ON. WHO WANTS TEA?

IT'LL RELAX THE NERVES.

IS SHE KIDDING?

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND ANYBODY WOULD LIKE,

SO I BROUGHT THEM ALL.

WELL, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU. I'LL GET YOU SOME WATER.

HAS HE REACHED THE CONSTABLE?

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET THROUGH TO THE MAINLAND YET.

OH! OH, THE MAIN.

IT'S PROBABLY BROKEN. THERE'S NO WATER?

WHAT'S HAPPENING? [ Kit ] THERE'S NO WATER!

WHAT? IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.

BUT THERE'S STILL THE WELL.

JESUS, I'LL GO. JUST POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

UH, NOT-- NOT WITHOUT ME.

I'M NOT WORRIED... ABOUT THOSE TWO--

SKIP AND ART.

THEY'RE PROBABLY PLAYING SOME KIND OF STUPID TRICK.

YEAH. PROBABLY.

[ Scoffs ] IS THAT IT?

BOY, WHEN SHE SAID WELL, SHE REALLY MEANT WELL.

WHO DUG THIS THING, POCAHONTAS?

OH, HERE, HERE. LET ME DO THAT. I PROBABLY HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE THAN YOU.

[ Nikki Chuckles ]

YOU MEAN BACK HOME ON THE FARM?

I, UH-- I KNOW YOU THINK I'M A HICK.

BUT I'D LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT IF YOU'D GIVE ME A CHANCE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO PLOW YOUR FIELD.

DRAW ME SOME WATER.

[ Water Splashes ] OH, CRAP!

WHAT HAPPENED? I LOST THE BUCKET.

HARVE.

[ Stammering ] HAL! AND THE ROPE WAS ROTTEN. ANY FOOL COULD HAVE SEEN THAT.

[ Chuckles ] YOU DIDN'T.

WOULD YOU SHINE YOUR LIGHT DOWN THERE SO I CAN GET A FIX ON IT?

- OH! - NICE GOING.

OKAY, SO I SPAZZED OUT. NOW WE'RE EVEN.

UH-HUH, AND WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WELL, LOOK. THERE ARE LITTLE RUNGS LEADING DOWN THE SIDE.

SO?

SO YOU'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON. [ Scoffs ] ARE YOU CRAZY?

I DON'T RELISH THE IDEA OF SPENDING THE ENTIRE REST OF THE WEEKEND WITHOUT WATER.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING DOWN THERE.

OKAY, FINE. WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA, WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE. W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU OUGHT TO DO THAT.

UH, NIKKI? NIK--

HARVEY, I'M A BIG GIRL NOW. I THINK I CAN HANDLE A FEW SPIDERS AND FROGS.

JUST BE CAREFUL DOWN THERE, ALL RIGHT?

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING. OH, WATCH WHAT I'M DOING. THAT'S A HOT ONE.

I CAN BARELY SEE A THING.

WELL, JUST-- JUST WATCH OUT ANYWAY, OKAY?

JUST-- JUST-- JUST BE CAREFUL.

[ Gasps ] NIKKI!

NIKKI? NIKKI! HEY, ANSWER ME!

I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

[ Screams ]

NIKKI! NIKKI!

OH! [ Spits ]

[ Screaming ]

- NIKKI! - [ Screaming Continues ]

HELP! UH... NIKKI!

NIKKI! HELP! ANSWER ME! NIKKI! [ Grunts ]

UH, HELP! ROB! KIT! HELP!

OH!

NIKKI, DAMN IT! ANSWER ME! NIKKI!

[ Screams ]

NIKKI! SHIT!

NIKKI! NIKKI! NIKKI!

[ Screaming Continues ]

OH, MY GOD! GOD! GOD! GOD!

COME ON! GRAB MY HAND!

NIKKI! NIKKI! COME ON.

COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! REACH!

DAMN IT, COME ON! COME ON! COME HERE!

COME ON! [ Grunting ]

[ Whispering ] NIKKI. NIKKI.

IT'S OKAY NOW.

WITH THE OTHERS, THEY WERE OUTSIDE.

BUT, YOU SEE, WE'RE INSIDE, SO WE'RE SAFE NOW.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE FERRY, ISN'T IT?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. CHRIST, DON'T THEY KNOW THAT?

UH, MUFFY, WHERE DO YOU, UH-- WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR GUNS?

GUNS?

WE DON'T KEEP GUNS IN THIS HOUSE.

HERE. GOD, NOT THE WATER!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S PERRIER.

HERE.

[ Phone Ringing ]

HELLO?

OH, CONSTABLE POTTER. LISTEN, MAN, YOU GOTTA HELP US!

ARCH AND SKIP AND NAN--

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT AIN'T POSSIBLE.

AND I'M TELLING YOU, I'M AT THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW VISITING BUCK.

WITH MUFFY?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, JUST PLEASE, PLEASE GET HERE, OKAY?

[ Phone Hangs Up ]

HE'S ON HIS WAY.

HE WANTS US TO WAIT HERE AND STAY TOGETHER.

WHAT ABOUT THE FERRYMAN? IT WASN'T HIM. THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER ALL DAY.

WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T EITHER.

LOOK, HE'S GONNA SEND UP A FLARE AS SOON AS HE'S NEARING THE DOCK.

AND THEN WE GO DOWN AS A GROUP... AND MEET HIM THERE.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE JUST WAIT HERE.

IT'S MY FATHER'S STUDY.

OH, I JUST CAME IN TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING WAS SECURE.

I HAD TO LOCK THOSE WINDOWS.

GOOD IDEA.

SOMETIMES, WITH THE TIDES,

IT COULD TAKE SOMEBODY ALL NIGHT TO GET HERE FROM THE MAINLAND.

AND EVEN THEN SOMETIMES... THEY DON'T MAKE IT.

YEAH. YEAH.

WHAT IS TAKING HIM SO LONG?

MAYBE IT'S THE TIDES.

WAIT A MINUTE. AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE STAYING TOGETHER?

WHAT ABOUT ROB AND MUFFY?

[ Kit ] ROB'S OUT BACK CHECKING THE DOORS. YEAH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT MUFFY?

SHE'S BEEN ACTING LESS THAN NORMAL ANYWAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU MEAN, ALL DAY AND YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED?

WELL, WHO ISN'T? THOSE ARE NURSE'S SHOES.

WHAT NURSE'S SHOES?

THE CLODHOPPERS SHE'S BEEN WALKING AROUND IN TODAY. I MEAN, CREPE SOLES?

[ Hal ] UH, SHE WAS ARGUING WITH NAN IN THE HALL,

BEFORE YOU AND ROB CAME BACK ALONE...

FROM THE WOODS.

ABOUT SOMETHING NAN FOUND IN HER ROOM.

SOMETHING-- [ Chaz ] WHAT?

SOMETHING ABOUT AN ABORTION.

[ Nikki ] I FOUND SOMETHING IN MY ROOM TOO.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK IT WAS INTENDED FOR ME. OH, REALLY?

- OH, FUCK YOU, CHAZ. - WHAT DID YOU FIND?

I DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING.

UH-HUH, AND WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT. I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH NIKKI, HARVE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT'S YOUR LITTLE SECRET, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. OH, COME ON, SPORTO.

I CAME INTO YOUR ROOM LAST NIGHT. YOU WERE JUMPING AROUND LIKE YOUR ASS WAS ON FIRE.

THAT WAS NOTHING! THAT WAS JUST SOME NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS OF SOME CAR ACCIDENTS.

NOTHING PERSONAL IN THAT, I SUPPOSE? NO!

WHO HASN'T HAD A CAR ACCIDENT? IT'S A COMMON THING. I HAVEN'T.

KNOCK IT OFF, CHAZ!

SEE, WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS, HOW DID MUFFY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS STUFF,

AND WHY-- STOP IT! JUST STOP IT, YOU GUYS!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH US? WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR TALK...

ABOUT FRIENDSHIP AND UNDYING LOYALTY?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE SAYING? WE'RE ACTUALLY SITTING HERE...

DISCUSSING THE POSSIBILITY THAT MUFFY, A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF ALL OF OURS,

HAS INVITED US ALL HERE THIS WEEKEND TO--

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.

MUFFY, LISTEN, WE SHOULD ALL STAY TOGETHER.

THIS IS MY HOME.

I'LL BE IN MY ROOM.

SHE DOES HAVE A POINT THERE. WE'RE ALL STARTING TO GET ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES.

AS LONG-- AS LONG AS WE ALL JUST STAY WITHIN SHOUTIN' DISTANCE OF EACH OTHER.

ARE YOU COMING?

I'M GONNA FIND A WAY UP TO THE ATTIC.

- WHY? - I CAN PROBABLY SEE THE CONSTABLE BETTER UP THERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN KEEP WATCH ON THE STAIRS.

NIKKI, COME ON.

"OH, NIKKI, COME ON." DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THIS "NIKKI, COME ON."

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOIN'?

LOOK, STAY IF YOU LIKE. LOCK YOUR DOOR, DIG A TRENCH, HANG OUT.

BUT ONCE I LEAVE THIS PLACE, I'M NEVER COMING BACK.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO ALL STAY TOGETHER.

OH, YEAH, THAT HAS BEEN REAL EFFECTIVE!

WHAT ARE YOU-- SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? HUH?

WALTZ DOWN TO THE END OF THE PIER BY YOURSELF?

UH, CHECK YOUR BAGS WITH THE PORTER AND WAIT... [ Groans ]

FOR A STRAY OCEAN LINER TO HAPPEN BY AND PICK YOU UP?

OH!

I CAN'T STAY HERE ANY... MORE.

WHAT IF THE CONSTABLE NEVER EVEN SHOWS?

THEN I'LL SWIM ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE MAINLAND IF I HAVE TO!

OKAY, YOU RELAX.

OH, GREAT. THREE PEOPLE ARE DEAD, AND YOU ARE TELLING ME TO RELAX.

NIKKI, JUST WAIT A MINUTE. OKAY, NIKKI? LOOK AT ME.

[ Sighs ] NIKKI, LOOK AT ME!

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

NOW, AM I NERVOUS? YES. AM I A LITTLE BIT SCARED? YES.

BUT AM I RUNNING AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH ITS HEAD CUT OFF?

OH, NICE IMAGE. NO!

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA JUST LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

COME ON. HEY! WOULD THE BIRDMAN OF S AND M WORRY?

VERY FUNNY, CHAZ.

YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY. WOULD YOU TAKE THAT THING OFF?

OKAY. OKAY.

AH! HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? HUH?

HMM? [ Laughs ]

YOU ARE SUCH A JERK.

OH, THIS ONE'S TURNING YOU ON. I CAN TELL.

KISS ME, YOU SAVAGE SHE-DEVIL!

GET-GET AWAY FROM ME! [ Yells ]

OH, STOP IT. STOP IT SOME MORE. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE ROUGH.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD HELP A LITTLE IF I COULD BREATHE IN HERE.

JUST A LITTLE. NIKKI?

COME AND GET IT!

NIKKI?

OH, VERY SUBTLE, CHAZ.

AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? JUST THROW OFF MY CLOTHES AND JUMP ON TOP OF YOU?

OH, JUST WIND HER UP AND WATCH HER GO.

YOU HAVE GOT A LOT TO LEARN, BUDDY.

WHAT IS THIS, SHOW AND TELL?

YOU SHOW ME YOURS, AND THEN I GET TO SHOW YOU MINE?

WELL, FORGET IT.

YOU CAN JUST TAKE THAT THING AND SHOVE IT RIGHT BACK IN YOUR PANTS, KIDDO.

CHAZ.

CHAZ.

OH, COME ON, CHAZ. JUST SAY SOMETHING.

NO ONE'S BEEN UP HERE IN YEARS.

HERE.

DO YOU SEE HIM?

NO. HE MUST NOT HAVE A LIGHT ON HIS BOAT.

MAYBE HE'S CHOSEN NOT TO USE IT.

KIT,

HE SAID SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT MUFFY ON THE PHONE.

WHAT?

HE SAID NOT TO TRUST ANYONE. THAT'S WHY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY TOGETHER.

NO ONE WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH ANYONE ELSE.

THEN HE SAID, "ESPECIALLY NOT WITH MUFFY."

WELL, WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. HE WOULDN'T EXPLAIN IT. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IS IT? I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

HE'S KNOWN HER A LOT LONGER THAN WE HAVE.

WAIT, WAIT, ROB.

WHAT'S THAT?

JUST THE DOLLS.

ROB, SHE'S BEEN UP HERE. SO?

ROB?

[ Rob ] JESUS!

ROB. IT'S ARCH, SKIP AND NAN.

THERE'S TWO OVER THERE.

HEY, HE'S HERE. COME ON.

HARVEY!

NIKKI?

NIKKI?

HARVEY!

HARVEY!

ROB. I CAN'T FIND HARVEY.

I CAN'T FIND ANYONE.

NIKKI'S DOOR'S LOCKED.

ROB, IT WAS LOCKED.

OH, JESUS! WAIT, ROB! WHAT ABOUT MUFFY?

- FORGET HER! - SHE'S MY FRIEND! MUFFY?

MUFFY! MUFFY, OPEN THE-- [ Screams ]

[ Both Screaming, Shouting ]

RUN, KIT! RUN! GET OUT OF HERE!

COME ON!

CONSTABLE POTTER?

CONSTABLE POTTER?

CONSTABLE POTTER?

HEY, WAIT, ROB.

ROB, DON'T GO IN THERE.

IF THERE'S ANOTHER FLARE, WE CAN SIGNAL.

MAYBE HE ALREADY WENT BACK UP TO THE HOUSE.

SHIT. THERE'S NO KEY.

OH, DAMN IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. ROB.

LOOK.

"STATE HOSPITAL.

"PURSUANT TO OUR PREVIOUS COMMUNICATIONS,

"PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THE PATIENT UNDER DISCUSSION HAS STILL NOT BEEN FOUND...

"AND RETURNED TO CUSTODY,

"AND IS NOW BELIEVED TO BE ATTEMPTING TO RETURN TO HER HOME IN YOUR JURISDICTION.

"IF ENCOUNTERED, EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION...

"AND NOTIFY US IMMEDIATELY,

"AS MISS ST. JOHN HAS BEEN A PATIENT HERE FOR THREE YEARS...

AND IS STILL CONSIDERED INCORRIGIBLY UNSTABLE AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS."

MISS ST. JOHN?

MUFFY HASN'T BEEN IN AN INSTITUTION FOR THREE YEARS. SHE'S BEEN AT VASSAR.

WE GOTTA GET THIS BOAT STARTED.

HOW?

OH. THE HOUSE.

DIDN'T MUFFY SAY THERE WAS A KEY IN THE KITCHEN BACK IN THE HOUSE?

OH, ROB, I CAN'T GO BACK UP THERE. I CAN'T GO BACK-- KIT.

WE'VE GOT NO CHOICE. WE'VE GOTTA GO BACK.

ROB, LOOK.

THE DOORS-- THEY'VE BEEN CLOSED.

THERE.

THAT'S HOW WE'RE GOIN' IN.

HERE, HOLD THIS.

YEAH, GOOD IDEA. NOW, WHERE ARE THE STAIRS?

[ Rattling ] WHAT'S THAT?

ROB, LOOK.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S MUFFY'S CLOTHES. I DON'T GET IT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT?

WHAT'S THAT? I DON'T KNOW.

[ Kit ] OH, MY GOD.

THE PICTURE OF THE GIRLS IN THE STUDY.

THAT LETTER.

AND WHAT THE CONSTABLE WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU.

IT'S NOT MUFFY. IT'S HER TWIN SISTER BUFFY.

SHE'S GOT A TWIN SISTER!

ROB, DON'T YOU SEE? ROB?

OH, MY GOD!

PULL IT AWAY.

ROB, I CAN'T PULL IT-- PULL IT AWAY!

[ Screaming ]

THE BOAT KEY-- IT'S GOTTA BE IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

WHERE IS IT?

- LOOK ON THE WALLS! IS THERE A KEY BOARD? - [ Door Rattling ]

[ Screams ] JESUS! LOOK IN THE CUPBOARDS!

I CAN'T FIND IT!

I CAN'T FIND IT! GODDAMN IT!

DAMN IT! WHERE IS IT?

- KIT! - [ Shouts, Indistinct ]

- [ Screams ] - LET ME OUT, KIT!

- LET ME OUT OF HERE! - NO!

ROB!

[ Screams ]

BUFFY!

RUN, KIT! RUN!

[ Rob Shouting, Indistinct ]

PLEASE, JUST LEAVE US ALONE, OKAY?

PLEASE. WE'RE JUST GONNA GO HOME NOW.

COME ON. ENOUGH.

- STOP! - BABE!

PLEASE, JUST LET US LEAVE.

BUFFY, YOU CAN STOP NOW.

STOP!

BUFFY, NO!

I LOVE YOU, KIT!

PLEASE. PLEASE DON'T.

PLEASE.

PLEASE, BUFFY. JUST LET US GO, PLEASE.

NO!

NO! NO! [ Screams ]

[ Inaudible ]

OH, HA, HA. HA, HA, HA, HA!

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY, YOU GUYS!

[ Laughing ] REALLY FUNNY.

FUCK YOU!

WHOO! HI, KIT!

KIT, I LOVE YOU!

KIT, I LOVE-- [ Screams ]

I LOVE YOU TOO, BABE. [ Yells ]

[ All ] ... TWO, THREE! APRIL FOOL'S!

[ Screaming ]

KIT! KIT!

[ Laughter Continues ]

[ Screams ]

YOU GUYS... ARE SO TERRIFIC.

I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I WANNA THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART...

FOR BEING SUCH GOOD SPORTS.

OH, YEAH, SURE. HEY, QUITE WELCOME. ANYTIME.

[ Laughter Continues ] [ Muffy ] ROB.

YOU AND KIT, YOU TWO WERE THE BEST!

YOU FIGURED IT ALL OUT.

THE CLUES-- THEY REALLY WORKED.

WHAT CLUES? WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

AND DON'T ANYONE SAY APRIL FOOL'S AGAIN, OR I'LL RIP 'EM APART.

[ Together ] APRIL FOOL'S!

[ Muffy ] HOW ABOUT I TELL YA...

IT'S A SCRIPT FOR A WEEKEND SPECIAL THAT'S GONNA HELP ME KEEP THE HOUSE.

LOOK, NEXT MONTH,

I GET THE HOUSE AS PART OF MY MOTHER'S INHERITANCE, IT'S TRUE,

BUT ONLY IF I COULD SHOW MY FATHER THAT IT COULD CARRY ITSELF,

WHAT WITH TAXES AND EXPENSES AND ALL.

OTHERWISE, HE'S GONNA SELL IT OUT OF THE FAMILY.

SO I DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO A COUNTRY INN.

BUT NOT JUST A STUFFY OLD RUN-OF-THE-MILL COUNTRY INN.

ONE THAT SPECIALIZES IN OFFERING...

A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME WHODUNNIT WEEKEND.

I NEEDED A REHEARSAL.

I HAD TO TRY MY IDEA OUT ON SOMEBODY.

SO YOU GUYS ALL HAD A PART IN THIS, RIGHT?

- DON'T LOOK AT ME. - NO, NO.

WE GOT SUCKED INTO THIS JUST AS BADLY AS YOU DID.

ONCE YOU WERE ALL KILLED OFF, YES.

BUT EVERYBODY HAD TO COOPERATE, OR NONE OF IT WOULD'VE WORKED.

SO THEN I GUESS THERE'S NO TWIN SISTER BUFFY, THEN.

THERE'S A CRAZY TWIN, ALL RIGHT, BUT HIS NAME ISN'T BUFFY.

- HIS NAME? - [ Chaz ] SKIP?

- HE'S YOUR BROTHER? - YOU BASTARD!

YOU WERE IN ON THE WHOLE DEAL TOO. ONLY THE SETUP.

MUFFY TOLD ME TO SAY I WAS HER COUSIN SO WE COULD PULL THE PRANK ON THE FERRY.

AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN TO BUCK.

BUCK WILLIAMS, MAKEUP ARTIST PAR EXCELLENCE.

HEY, I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOU, BIG GUY. HERE, CATCH.

THESE WERE JUST SOME OLD PROPS THAT I REDRESSED WITH SOME OF THE HELP...

FROM MUFFY'S PHOTOGRAPHS. SURE FOOLED ME.

SO I TAKE IT THAT THIS ISN'T THE CONSTABLE.

KIT GRAHAM, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY UNCLE FRANK ST. JOHN...

OF ST. JOHN ET FRERES OF WALL STREET.

HI. UH, HARVEY "HAL" EDISON, JR. PLEASED TO MEET YOU, SIR.

HOW DID I DO? I NEVER DONE NO ACTIN' BEFORE.

I WAS REALLY SHAKIN'.

CAL IS OUR REGULAR FERRYMAN BETWEEN THE MAINLAND AND THE ISLANDS AROUND HERE.

BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS UP TO THE DRAMATIC CHALLENGE.

AAR!

YOU KNOW, MUFF, YOU WERE SO LUCKY.

YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN YOURSELF KILLED.

WELL, I NEARLY DID WITH HARVE OVER THERE.

AND WHO COULD'VE KNOWN ABOUT THE SNAKE IN THE WOODS WITH ARCH.

BUT WITH THE PAYING GUESTS, THEY'RE GONNA KNOW WHAT THEY'RE IN FOR,

AND THE SCENARIO WON'T BE NEARLY SO EXTREME.

I DO REGRET, UM,

SOME OF THE FAKE CLUES THAT I PUT INTO THE BEDROOMS...

WERE TAKEN A BIT TOO SERIOUSLY,

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

BUT WE HAD FUN, DIDN'T WE? COME ON!

I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET THIS WEEKEND AS LONG AS I LIVE. YOU'RE TELLIN' ME.

MAN, WHEN I WAS OUT THERE SWINGIN' IN THE WOODS, I NEARLY CRAPPED MY PANTS.

WHAT YOU MEAN, NEARLY? I WAS THERE, REMEMBER?

ARCH? YOU BROWNED YOUR TROUSERS?

WELL, UH,

YOU KNOW, I WAS-- [ Frank ] IT'S ALL RIGHT, ARCH.

- THEY'LL BE OUT OF THE DRYER SOON. - [ Laughter ]

♪ MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME ♪ [ Shouting, Whooping ]

♪ MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME ♪ COME ON, DRINK. DRINK.

COME HERE, YOU MANIAC.

♪ SHE SAID THAT AIN'T THE WAY TO HAVE FUN, SON ♪

WAIT, MUFFY, WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

♪ MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME ♪

♪ MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME ♪

♪ THAT AIN'T THE WAY TO HAVE FUN, SON ♪

♪ THAT AIN'T THE WAY TO HAVE FUN, SON ♪

♪ [ "Pop Goes the Weasel" ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Screaming ]

APRIL FOOL'S.

♪ TOO BAD YOU'RE CRAZY ♪

♪ TOO BAD YOU'RE LOONY AS HELL ♪

♪ SO LONG IT COULD'VE BEEN SWELL ♪

♪ TOGETHER ♪

♪ TOO BAD YOU'RE WACKO ♪ ♪ WACKO ♪

♪ HOW SAD YOUR MARBLES ARE GONE ♪ ♪ ALL GONE ♪

♪ WE COULD BE DANCING TILL DAWN BUT YOU'RE TOO WEIRD FOR WORDS ♪

♪ HOW DID YOU GET SO STRANGE ♪

♪ YOU WERE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL KID ♪

♪ NOW YOU ARE SO DERANGED WAS IT MOM AND DADDY OR SOMETHING THEY DID ♪

♪ TOO BAD YOU'RE LOCO ♪ ♪ TOO BAD ♪

♪ YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED IN A CELL ♪ ♪ HOW SAD ♪

♪ YOU'RE GREAT, BUT HEY WHAT THE HELL ♪

♪ YOU'RE CRAZY ♪

♪ YOU'RE OFF THE DEEP END ♪ ♪ BON VOYAGE ♪

♪ YOUR LIFE'S A PRACTICAL JOKE ♪ ♪ TILL DOMAGE ♪

♪ I'D BAIL YOU OUT BUT I'M BROKE ♪

♪ YOUR BRAIN'S COMPLETELY FRIED ♪

♪ LIFE'S JUST A PARTY TRICK TO YOU ♪

♪ CLOWN JOKES AND LOTS OF POOPY-DOO ♪

♪ IT'S TIME TO PUT THAT ON THE SHELF ♪

♪ LOVING YOU IS A THREE-RING CIRCUS ♪

♪ YOU DO THE FETCHING TOO BAD ♪

♪ IT COULD BE CATCHING EGADS ♪

♪ I'M A LITTLE BIT CRAZY, MA ♪ ♪ NOT TRUE ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT CRAZY, MA ♪ ♪ NOT YOU ♪

♪ I'M A LITTLE BIT CRAZY MYSELF ♪