Original subtitles

(thunder rumbling)

(dramatic music)

(sword clanging)

(lightning cracking)

(upbeat eerie music)

- On a mission, are we?

- This town deserves a better mayor.

- Hi, Tom.

- Hello, Jenny.

- Council meeting, Barnaby?

Not like you.

- Mr. Dalgleish.

Lady Matilda, lovely day.

- I don't think so.

- [Hugh] All right, darling?

(people murmuring)

- [Dave] What's he doing here?

- You been opening your stupid mouth?

- I see Hugh Dalgleish down there.

Do you know him?

- [Ben] He called me a peasant once.

- Did he?

- Lady Matilda's not much better.

Think she owns the whole village.

- She does.

Jenny.

- Lovely to see you.

- Detective Sergeant Jones, this is Mrs. Jenny Russell.

Hotelier and member of our chamber of commerce.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- [Hugh] Hello, people.

- Have you spoken to him about our right to roam?

- Tell them to stay off my land.

- See, threatening.

- We have heard your complaints, Miss Terry.

Detective Sergeant Jones here has the matter well in hand.

- Thank you, Mary. (gavel banging)

- Trash.

- Right. - I heard that.

- Good morning, everyone. - Oi, knock it off.

- First up today, the Brighton agenda.

(people cheering)

Thank you, Harry.

Now I must emphasise that this Brighton reunion

is not just an excuse for a junket.

It's also a matter of history and gratitude.

- Rubbish.

- During the war, when they were building spitfires

on our doorstep, it was the good people of Brighton

who said to us, send us your young ones

so they be not bombed by the enemy.

- [Crowd] Here here!

- Absolute tosh.

- And we celebrated that union between our towns

until certain incidents put a bit of a damper on the event.

- They tried to murder us.

- That's not true.

Anyway, in the spirit of conciliation,

the Brighton Council have

offered us the chance-- - Here we go.

- To purchase some inexpensive land along the coast

in order that we may build some holiday cabins

for the less fortunate of Causton.

- Well said. - Jolly good.

- And I hope to finalise that deal on our memorial trip.

- Not a chance.

- All right, Matilda.

- The people of that town are barbarians.

They were barbarians when my ancestors conquered them,

and they are barbarians still.

And as head of the Finance Committee,

I am refusing to sign anything.

So there, be done with it.

(people murmuring)

- [Ben] So much for the mayor's deal.

(lively carnival music)

(crowd shouting)

(phone ringing)

- Barnaby.

- It's John. - Oh, John.

Thanks very much for calling back.

- Been far too long.

I got your email, what can I do for you?

- This land deal that's going down between the two councils.

- I checked it out, it looks kosher.

It's a bit of soggy council land.

It's only good for temporary dwellings.

Why not use it for cabins for your kiddies?

- Jones.

- Our Mayor Hicks wouldn't get out of bed in the morning

unless there was some profitable fiddle involved.

- Which bridle path, Mr. Terry?

- This isn't personal, is it Tom?

- No, no, no, John, this is preventative detection.

- Okay, I'll dig a little deeper.

- Right, okay.

- Well, I'll try and find him. - Thank you, John.

- I'll be there in an hour.

Dalgleish and the Terrys again.

- Well, you're just the man to sort it out.

- Sir, Giles Shawcross, Midsomer Parva.

- Oh god, the reverend doom and gloom.

(phone ringing)

Hello, Reverend, what a lovely day.

I hope you're enjoying it.

(lively classical music)

- Hello, Marcia.

Lady Bracknell home, is she?

- I believe Matilda's expecting you.

- Jolly good.

You be careful, don't crack a smile or anything.

(Hugh laughing)

- You really are the devil's work, aren't you?

(Hugh speaks in foreign language)

- My son hasn't communicated in any acceptable way

for many, many years.

- Well, he will now, won't he?

The king is dead, long live the king. (laughs)

- And you have a conscript, a volunteer for this task?

- Absolutely.

All we have to do is come up with the catalyst.

I'll leave that to you, shall I?

- It's wrong, my God would say it's wrong.

- Just as well you own his church then.

Even if you can't afford his roof.

- It's television you know.

It's all ugly, violent people screaming at each other.

Appalling role model, hence vandalism, threatening behaviour,

the breakdown of society.

- Yes, I'm sure you're absolutely right.

But to matters more pressing.

- Oh, sorry.

Once I get going, you know.

Come through.

- Thank you.

(dramatic music)

- [Giles] See, not very clear.

Do you think it's one of those hoodie chaps?

- That's the wrong sort of hood, Giles.

- Oh.

- Have you got CCTV inside the church?

- No, Matilda didn't want people

spying on her at her devotions.

There have been four of these now pinned up out there.

Virtual death threats, very unpleasant.

This one regarding Hugh Dalgleish, the property fellow.

Says he's in league with the devil.

- Probably the mayor.

- Really?

- It was a joke, Giles.

- Oh, then there's this one accusing Lady Matilda and Marcia

of having a vile and unnatural relationship.

- That's a bit of a stretch.

- Ridiculous.

Finally, last night's letter claiming that Jenny Russell

from the hotel is the whore of Babylon.

All of them saying these people will be cleansed

and signed with a cross, a crucifix.

- Or a sword. - Hm?

- That could be a sword, couldn't it?

- Oh yes, I suppose it could be.

- You said there were four of these letters.

- The first one was about me, I threw it away.

I didn't realise it was the first of a series.

- What did it say?

- Oh, nothing much, just generally abusive and threatening.

Probably came from the bishop.

- So is there anyone you could you know point the finger at?

Any disturbed medievalists in your flock?

- No ideas at all.

- We were just exercising our legal right to roam.

- You mean winding him up as usual.

- This has been a public right of way since Norman times.

- Okay, okay.

Whoa.

- It's like that space odyssey thing.

- Bill, you know what, this is so boring.

I'm trying to run a business here.

Bill, Bill, I know where you are

and I know where your little tart works.

Hey, Tom.

- Jenny.

- Yeah, and I'm coming to get the pair of you.

Do you understand?

Yeah, you should be worried, I'm bloody serious.

15 years to build this place up and then he goes

and blows it all for some little tart.

- Yes, I heard.

- I'm gonna go down there on this council trip

and I'm gonna kill the pair of them.

- That's quite understandable.

- I mean, how long does sex take up in your life, Tom?

Half an hour a week, once a month?

- Please may I have a cup of tea?

(Jenny laughs)

- Very good, Tom, very good.

The whore of Babylon, I might put it on my website.

Could crank up business a bit.

- Do you know anyone who's got a grudge against you?

- Could be any of the women around here.

Since Bill left, their grubby husbands all try

and park their tanks on my lawn.

In fact, I'd be better off if I ran this place

as a knocking shop.

- You'd be a wonderful madam.

- Freebies for coppers of course.

- Oh, how public spirited.

But in meantime, could you have a look through

your little black book?

See if there's anyone you think might dislike you enough

to write this stuff.

- Tom, are you coming to Brighton with us?

I'm in a bit of a mess, I need a friend right now.

- What sort of a mess?

- It's personal.

- It's not really my area.

(horn honking)

- New boyfriend?

- We need to talk.

(Hugh laughing)

- [Dave] Hi, Marcia.

- You're pushing your luck, aren't you?

- If she doesn't see sense, the whole town will suffer.

- We have Richard with us every day.

She can't just pretend it didn't happen.

- That was a long time ago for god's--

(gunshot banging)

(gunshot banging) (glass shattering)

Oh my god!

You've done it this time!

I'm gonna go to the law!

(Matilda laughing)

(gunshot banging) (glass shattering)

- Thank you, Mr. Dalgleish.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

- [Tom] No, that's all right, I'll hold, thank you.

- He's put these huge concrete blocks

across a public right of way and refuses to move them.

- Dalgleish bought up the street

the Terrys have their shop in, and be bunged up the rent

so much the Terrys started to become, how shall I say,

less scrupulous about the stuff they were selling.

- Well, maybe I should come on this trip

to keep an eye on them.

- No, you shouldn't.

You should stay at home, hold the line, officer in charge.

- Tom. - Oh, John, listen.

- Check that out. - I really would like

to have a look at the land in question please.

And I would also like, if you can get it for me,

a look at the file on Richard William.

Call it political leverage.

- [John] You know what mum always said?

- Well, yes, your mum was right, I am a total pain the bum.

But I'm older then you are, John, and certainly wiser.

So hard luck.

- [John] Well, I'll bow to your seniority.

I'll see what I can do.

- Thank you.

My cousin.

- Hm, the William family, they go back forever.

- So does ours, just not in a fat book.

So we're off to Brighton, are we?

- Yes, we are.

All rock, candy floss, and fun on the pier, wee.

- You'll see John.

- Yes, yeah, I will.

- And Jenny Russell.

- I'm sorry?

- At the tennis club, the women were talking about

who they'd must like to be stuck with on a desert island.

And most of them went for Kyle, the organic butcher.

But Jenny Russell chose you, the organic policeman.

- Really?

Oh (laughs).

- So you just watch yourself.

(doorbell ringing)

- Yes, yes, I'm coming, good lord.

- I want Matilda arrested.

She just tried to kill me.

Shotgun could've took me head off.

- A tragic outcome.

- Will be if you don't sort her.

Get her to see sense or I'll insist

on doing her for attempted murder.

(classical piano music)

- What you have to understand, Barnaby,

is historical context.

- I think the only thing that I have--

- Marcia, would you please stop that damn noise?

So William the Conqueror, what do you know about him?

- 1066, Battle of Hastings.

- Not just Hastings.

The French had to subjugate all the people

along the south coast to cover their rear.

And who do you think was in charge of the mopping up?

- [Tom] Sir Richard Guillaume.

- Well done, Guillaume, French for William.

My late husband's direct ancestor and a fine fellow

who's also quite ruthless, as one has to be with barbarians.

- Yes, if I could just--

- His Sword of Guillaume, as his weapon became known,

took many Anglo-Saxon lives and came to symbolise

everything that the English hated about the French, yes?

- Yes, I'm sure-- - So naturally

when 20 years ago my son Richard, a direct descendant

of this fine warrior, appeared in Brighton,

scene of Guillaume's greatest butchery,

the local natives conspired to attack him,

leaving him as you see him now and ending our family line.

Not white on white, Marcia, for goodness sake.

- Lady Matilda, can I get this correct please?

You're saying that your son's injuries were caused

by a revenge attack for something that happened

almost a thousand years ago?

- Absolutely.

Your average Englishman is a very primaeval creature,

which is why I'm having none of this chummy chummy

let's make friends with the murderers nonsense.

What you need there is some Zephirine Drouhin.

- Lady Matilda.

A random mugging for his watch and his wallet,

that's what was decided at the time.

- Fiddlesticks.

Revenge, Barnaby, revenge.

The police down there got it all wrong.

- Well, as it happens, I myself was never happy

with the conclusions of the Brighton officers.

It all seemed a bit too pat to me.

- Really?

- But of course as a junior officer, which I was

at the time, my opinion carried but little weight.

Now I'd love to do some digging for you.

But of course if the Brighton trip doesn't happen--

- Are you trying to co-opt me, coerce me?

- Lady Matilda, do you know how many firearms regulations

you contravened yesterday?

- Goodness, you are.

- I think we have allied interests.

- The Hicks man, have you got him in your sights?

Ah.

(classical piano music)

(chain rattling) (dramatic music)

- All right.

- Matilda, so glad you saw the light.

- [Woman] Bye bye!

- Hello, the Terrys.

All set?

- Yeah, thanks for setting it up.

- Yeah, thanks comes with 50% of the profits.

- Sorry, I forgot my cassock.

- [Marcia] If you could just give me a hand.

Whoopsie daisy.

- You'll catch a chill.

- Morning, Dave.

- [Marcia] Careful.

- [Dave] You're not on the list.

- Police liaison.

- All set?

- Sweet as, you hardly need come.

- Always stand near my money.

And, Dave, if it goes wrong this time,

it won't just be your wife that gets shafted.

- She didn't like you, you know, my wife.

- I should hope not.

I'd hate to have slept with a total nutter. (laughs)

(passengers chattering)

- Righty ho, lovely to see you all here.

We'll be taking a short comfort break in Crawley

in deference to the pensioners prostates.

(passengers laughing) And then it's on to Brighton

for shopping and sightseeing,

followed by tea and mayoral reception at the Pavilion.

Now remember, we are all ambassadors for Causton,

and I know I can rely on you--

- Oh do be quiet, you tedious little man.

Driver, drive.

(passengers laughing)

- I've always had a bit of a thing about Brighton.

It sort of says, well, something to everyone.

- Oh yes.

- When I was a boy, I went on the ghost train.

- Ah. (laughs)

- Learned all about the fear of God then, I can tell you.

- Well, we'll give that a go then, eh?

Hey, fancy a bit of fun among the spooks, huh? (laughs)

- Have you ever been really terrified?

- Not until now, Giles.

- What you got there?

- A couple of years ago, the guvnor suspected Mayor Hicks

of a dodgy property deal.

So he's kept this file on him, complaints mainly.

Wants me to search for anything interesting.

- He's obsessed.

- No, just sick of petty corruption downtown.

And obsessed.

- Want me to help?

(passengers chattering)

- Not really gonna attack your husband, are you Jen?

- Nah, just gonna give him an earful.

- [Dave] Everything all right at your end?

- Yes, fine, what's the matter?

- There's this bloke who's decided to join us.

I mean nothing serious, I just don't want any complications.

Thought you might be able to get him out of the way somehow.

Yeah.

(lively carnival music)

Right-o, everyone, how about a nice bracing stroll

on the pier along the front

or a bit of shopping in the Lanes.

Remember-- - I'll just get my coat.

- Back on the coach by 12 o'clock

for the short ride to the reception.

(passengers chattering)

Yes, lovely weather, innit?

Yeah, a bit blustery, but we don't mind.

- Fun pier I think. (laughs)

- [Jenny] You don't have to strangle me.

- [Hugh] Oh sorry, madam.

- [Tom] John.

- Tom.

- How you doing?

Hey, you're looking well.

- I just had a call from our lady mayoress

asking if I might show you the sights.

- How convenient.

- Hop in. - Thank you, thank you.

- And remember, he's an old man, so take it easy.

- Don't worry.

- Yeah, well done girl.

Your bloke just took him off.

Yeah, just got to keep the balls in the air

a little bit longer.

Then once the deal goes through, I thought we might pop down

to my Spanish place for a bit of a celebrate.

(laughs) Yeah.

- What number? - Number three.

- Here we are.

(doorbell ringing)

Mr. Wakely.

- Yes.

- Your daughter asked us to drop by.

- Who?

- Your daughter, madam mayor, she sent us.

- She's the mayor, you know.

- And she said you had some things you'd like to show us.

- Have I?

- May we come in?

- Would you like to come in?

- [Tom] Well, it's lovely.

Why is it so cheap?

- It floods.

The sea comes in down there.

Local conservationists want to abandon

the sea defences altogether so that the whole place

goes under and becomes a wildlife reserve.

- So where they gonna build these holiday chalets then?

- Along the high side, I guess.

Couldn't put any solid buildings there, they'd sink.

- Uh huh.

- I can't see his angle meself.

Is he up for re-election?

Maybe it's just a vote catching exercise.

- Or maybe it isn't.

- Oh, I got you the Richard William file.

- [Tom] Good man.

- [Giles] That ruined pier says a thousand things.

- Like what?

- Well, the futility of man's efforts

at self-aggrandizement, moral decline.

- It says the pier burnt down.

Good god, no wonder the church is empty.

Now go and find Marcia and tell her I want a cup of tea.

- This is the best one.

Basket-hilted broadsword.

- With a crest and two scabbard mounts.

- And an infantry officer's battle dress sword.

Made by Prosser of Charing Cross in 1803.

Probably saw Waterloo.

- Hm, I bet it did.

- What was it Christine wanted me to do?

- She wanted us to have them officially valued for you.

- For free.

- Good idea.

You can never be too careful.

- [Trent] Dead right.

- Tea.

- Lady Matilda would like a cup of tea.

- [Jenny] It's just so sad.

- So let's cheer him up.

- I have to get Matilda a cup of tea.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind keeping an eye

on Richard for me.

- Of course.

- No problem.

Hello, Dicky boy.

- [Customer] One latte and one cappuccino then please.

- [Marcia] One tea please.

- [Waitress] There you are.

- This file's been altered after the initial interviews.

- How'd you work that out?

- Well, these two pages, look.

See, different typeface, different typewriters.

This page has been retyped.

- It's a bit of a leap.

- The SIR on this case, DCI Jim Harper.

I'd love to have a look at his daybooks, written diaries.

- He's retired, he's gone off to the costa del coppers.

- Has he?

Could you give him a ring?

- Gran always said you were a bit of a terrier.

Drink your tea.

- Dear god.

- Thank you, Marcia, would have been nice.

- You have faith, Mr. Hicks?

- Yeah, in meself.

- Ah, that's interesting you see because--

- Giles, I'm busy.

Yes, Dave.

- Oh yes, of course, busy.

Everyone's busy these days.

Fun fair for me then.

Yes, something real.

- [Tourist] Just one more, George.

- Marcia, Marcia, quickly!

It's Richard, quick!

- [Marcia] What?

- I don't know what's happened.

(Richard groaning) (Hugh laughing)

- Richard, Richard, stop.

What's happened here?

- Better get him another nappy.

- You are a despicable man.

- What? - Truly despicable.

It's all right, Richard.

It'll be fine.

Come on. - Bye bye.

- It's all right. (Hugh laughing)

- Let's go to the ghost train then.

- I don't want to go anywhere with you.

I don't like you.

- Nobody does, darling, that's the joy of being me.

I'll go frighten the ghosts on my own then.

- Didn't Hicks' cowboys screw up the guv's roof repairs?

- Yeah, so?

- Well, maybe that's what driving his tram on this one.

- No, this is him doing his moral bit.

- Oh.

- Revenge is just a byproduct.

(lively carnival music)

(riders chattering)

(dramatic music)

(woman screams)

(people screaming)

(lively brass music)

- Right, everybody off, that's it.

This way, George.

Weather's looking up, Matilda.

So if you'd like to, er, right.

Everyone, everyone down, that's it.

That's about all of us, that's it.

- Mr. Mayor, what a pleasure.

- Madame Mayor, it's my pleasure.

Allow me to introduce you to the members of our council.

- Welcome to Brighton. - And chamber of commerce.

Christine will be chairing the proceedings.

- Giles, how was the ghost train?

- Oh, as always dark, godless, and reassuringly hellish.

- That's our local optimist.

- Hey.

- Jenny.

What have you done with Hugh Dalgleish?

- Oh, he's nothing to do with me.

I'm gonna go shopping.

Do you want to come buy a hat?

- What about the reception?

- Too boring, and I have another agenda, do you remember?

- Hey, Jenny, don't do anything silly.

That's Jenny, she runs a very nice hotel.

She's going through a bad patch in her private life.

- I do like making my own arrangements, but the choir is--

- Got bells, gas masks.

Now for instance, this is a pretty extraordinary bit.

- Really?

- And the scout knife loaned to us.

Oh, our eyes were popping out like stalks.

- [Photographer] Over here please, look this way.

- I hope it works out. - Could you all just--

- Over here?

- [Trent] We should go.

- Your boy certainly looks shifty enough.

- [Tom] And your girl, she all right?

- Very nice, popular too.

(bell ringing)

- Silence, silence please.

Your host, her worship, the mayor of Brighton.

(crowd applauding)

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

I won't keep you all long.

I just wanted to draw your attention to the programme

of events and to say how delighted we are

to revive the tradition of the Causton-Brighton reunion

and to see so many of the youngsters here today.

(crowd cheering)

- Come along, hotel.

- I'm also very happy to welcome

the Causton Chamber of Commerce to our city

and hope that the contacts and friends they make here

will result in further social and economic exchanges

between our two communities.

So you all have a splendid time,

and for those of you who enjoy a good laugh,

we have our annual comedy festival at various venues.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

Is Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby here?

(lively classical music)

(crowd murmuring)

- We've had to close the pier.

In this town, that's sacrilege.

It's a right bloody mess.

And he's not looking too chipper either.

- He's certainly somewhat diminished.

- [John] This one of your lot?

- Yeah, that is, was Hugh Dalgleish.

- That's his weekend right down the Swanee.

So starting with the obvious,

did this Dalgleish have any enemies?

- God, John, he had only enemies.

- So he won't be missed.

- No, there'll be dancing in the streets.

- Log it as a shaving accident then.

Can I ask you a few questions?

- Barnaby.

This has gotta be contained.

This could screw up a very good deal for our town.

- Hicks, was Hugh Dalgleish involved in your deal?

- Oh, come on, as if.

This was legit council business.

- Then why was he here?

- Bit of a jolly I suppose, him and Jenny Russell.

- Really?

- Not disappointed, are you?

- Pathology's initial says it looks like a clean swipe

with a very sharp blade.

I'm rounding up all our local Samurai nutters.

Did you bring any crazies with you?

- Only the usual.

Where would you go to buy hat 'round here?

- Yes, it's lovely, Madam.

Really suits you.

- Jenny.

- Ah, Tom, what do you think?

My Fair Lady or what?

- Jenny, could I have a word please?

- Hm, too tarty?

- Jenny, sit down.

This is Detective Chief Inspector John Barnaby

from Brighton C.I.D., he's my cousin.

- Oh, goodness me, keeping it in the family.

Nice to meet you, John.

So what is it?

- Hugh Dalgleish has been killed, murdered on the pier.

- Well, that's terrible.

- What was your relationship with Mr. Dalgleish?

- I knew him.

- Nothing more, Jenny?

- No, not for a long time.

Hang about.

I thought I'd find you here.

I knew if I waited long enough,

you'd turn up. - What you doing?

- You've ruined my business and you've ruined my life.

And as for you, you should find a man of your own.

Did he not tell you that he was married?

- Jen, come back.

- Anyone you knew?

- [Waitress] There you are, sir.

- Oh yes, thank you.

- [Waitress] Enjoy your meal.

- Very nice, Sarge.

- Well, he's off having a jolly.

Why shouldn't we have some fun?

The beauty of the mobile phone, take the office with you.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

(phone ringing)

- I don't believe...

Sir?

- Where the hell are you?

They said you'd gone out to lunch for god's sake.

- Just popped out for a sarnie, sir.

- [Tom] I can hear ducks.

- Oh, no, no.

- Jones, I've got a murder down here.

Hugh Dalgleish decapitated.

Do I have your full attention now?

- Oh, right.

- The Terrys, see if they got back, would you?

They seemed to have disappeared from down here.

And go and talk to Perkins at the bank.

And look, take no nonsense from him, will you?

I want to know all about Dalgleish's finances,

especially any dealings he may have had

with Dave Hicks and/or Jenny Russell.

- Someone murdered Hugh Dalgleish.

One lunch.

(John speaking in foreign language)

What?

Why didn't you tell me you spoke English?

Yes, that's very funny.

Okay, listen to me, you tell Jim Harper to call me,

DCI John Barnaby, ASAP.

Have you got a pen?

- I'm sorry, Detective, but my hands are tied.

It's the basic principle of the 1998 act I'm afraid.

Data must not be disclosed to other parties

without the consent of the individual whom it is about.

And neither Mr. Hicks nor Mr. Dalgleish

have informed me of such consent, not that Mr. Dalgleish

is likely to be so doing under the circumstances.

- Why do you bother, Mr. Perkins?

- I'm sorry?

- This ridiculous runaround every time

we come to you for information.

- As I just stated, the act says--

- The act says in clear and massive print under exceptions,

section 29, data processed for the prevention or detection

of crime, the apprehension or prosecution of offenders,

or the assessment or collection of taxes are exempt

from the first data protection principle.

- You know it by heart.

- Yeah, and a lot of other basic statutes as well.

It saves time when dealing with recalcitrant

or obstructive lawyers, accountants, bank managers.

The law, Mr. Perkins, is like the Bible.

You can always find one quote to contradict another.

- You really shouldn't talk to me like that.

- I haven't had any lunch.

- I was going to have the service here,

but I suppose I'm a bit superfluous now as usual.

- Hugh Dalgleish.

- Look there, see, 1069.

The original chapel on this site

was built by Richard de Guillaume,

umpteenth great-grandfather of our poor Richard.

- Did Dalgleish ever visit your church?

- Only recently to talk to Matilda.

- What about?

- I don't know.

She was always on the lookout for cash for the church.

You see, the original Norman chapel

was burnt down by the locals.

They hated the Normans, especially the Guillaume family.

It's all cyclical.

Goes around, comes around.

(phone ringing) Goes around, comes around.

No one learns, no one cares.

- Jones.

- Perkins at the bank said Dalgleish

had a mortgage on Jenny Russell's hotel.

She was into him for some serious money.

- What about Dalgleish and Hicks?

- He says that certain business accounts

can only be accessed through head office.

- [Tom] Well, that's nonsense.

- I know.

- Well, I need the information.

Think laterally.

- Yes, sir.

- [Tom] What about the Terrys?

- Yeah, they're back home.

- Well, I need to know who they met,

why the took off so quick, and what was in their holdall.

- Will do.

Do you know anyone at the bank?

- Yes.

- Good.

Mm.

- Tom, I left a message for Harper in a bar in Fuengirola.

- Look over there.

- [John] That Richard William?

- [Tom] 20 years on, yeah.

- Poor lad.

- Relationship, I do not have relationships

with the likes of Hugh Dalgleish.

- But lately, Lady Matilda,

you have been talking to him, haven't you?

And that quite frequently.

- From whom have you heard this gossip?

- A source.

- As Giles well knows,

my church is in serious need of expensive repairs.

Dalgleish had money, I was trying to extract some from him.

I could not stand the man.

- Any particular reason for that?

- Well, apart from the fact

that he was the most ghastly parvenu,

he tried to have me removed from the council.

My own council.

- He didn't.

Why did he do that?

- I got wind of a dubious scheme he was cooking up

with that Hicks creature.

- What was the scheme?

- Lady Matilda, this is Detective Chief Inspector

John Barnaby from Brighton C.I.D.

He's the senior investigating officer in this case.

- Oh, are you all called Barnaby in the police?

- Well, it makes life easier.

- Well, I hope you people are more competent these days.

- We do our best.

- Hicks and Dalgleish had acquired some land.

They were trying to push a change of use

through the council so that they could develop it.

- And you stopped them.

- I told Hicks that Dalgleish was sleeping with his wife.

Everyone else knew.

I thought it was most unfair he should be left in the dark.

It led to a falling out between them, a collapse of

their scheme, and of course the end of the Hicks marriage.

- Oh, right.

- Now don't be censorious, Tom.

That land is still home to the bluebell and the buttercup.

Not the hideous executive home.

- Talk about a dinosaur.

- Yeah, we have one in every village, John.

They deter social change.

- That one would deter evolution.

- [Tom] Hey, John.

- What?

- That is it.

- What? - The deal, the scam.

She just said it.

The little, he's trying it on again.

You know that change of use.

- But that's flood plain down there, you can't build on it.

- Could we have a little chat with your Madam Mayor?

- We do have a murder on you know.

- Yes, I know we do.

And we're looking for motives, aren't we?

- Not just riding your mayor.

- No, no, no, no, no.

But everything is linked, John.

All rivers flow down to the sea.

- Is that a fact?

- [Tom] Oh yes.

- Let me lead, okay?

- Oh yeah, your town.

- Glad you noticed.

- (laughs) Good to be here, John.

- We don't seem to have much luck

with our Causton relationship.

Is there anything I can do to help, Chief Inspector?

- Mayor Hicks, what do you know about him?

- Well, seems like a man who gets things done.

- A bit fly would you say?

- I'm not sure what you mean by that.

- Mayor Hicks has a bit of a name

for putting together deals.

- Yes?

- Yeah, deals which will benefit Mayor Hicks slightly more

than they would benefit the community at large.

- Well, he has no criminal record.

I did check.

- [Tom] Why did you do that?

- Why did you do that?

- Common business practise.

I wouldn't want the council to get involved in something

that wasn't totally above board.

- Whose idea, sorry, John.

Whose idea was the land deal between the two councils?

- I don't recall.

I met Mr. Hicks at a local government symposium.

I rather think he floated the idea.

And I looked at what we had on our books

that would accommodate his plans for the holiday cabins.

I came up with the Wandin Valley.

And now if you'll excuse me, I am very busy.

- Oh right, of course.

Thank you so much for your valuable time, Ms. Wakely.

Always a pleasure.

- Not at all.

- Madam Mayor.

- I know what you're thinking.

- I doubt it.

- You're thinking I'm a great big wuss

and can't stand up to women in authority.

- No, I'm not.

I'm sure there's a very good reason

for your grovelling sycophancy.

- And there it is.

Oh look, there's your little chum too.

It's a northern thing, know how to operate a ferret.

- Aha.

- Looks like they're having a bit of a falling out.

- Which means she either doesn't know what she's let herself

in for or she's bawling him out for bringing us down on her.

- Either way, she's too smart to go down

with that sorry spiv.

I'll give her a nudge tomorrow

when she's had time to sweat a bit.

(lively carnival music)

(knocking)

- Who is it?

- John Barnaby.

Oh, well I knew you fancied him.

- What do you want?

- Well, I don't want you going with anyone else.

That's for sure.

- Oh, but it's all right for you to screw around, is it?

- Look, when you went bananas out there today,

something in me kind of woke up.

That is my girl, I thought.

What am I doing, Bill?

- So?

- I've left her.

I've told her it's all over.

I want to come home with you.

- Just like that?

- Why not?

What do you say?

(thunder rumbling)

- A sign, is that so much to ask for?

A token of your existence.

An acknowledgement of mine.

No, of course not because you don't exist, do you?

You're just not there.

Not for me, not for anyone.

We invented you.

You only live through us.

We are your witness, do you hear me?

You're a figment of our imagination, our need.

You didn't create us, we created you!

(chain rattling)

(glass shattering) (dramatic music)

(flames roaring)

(kids chattering)

- [Dave] All aboard, we're leaving now.

Last one on is a sissy.

- Hey, Giles.

You smell like a brewer's mare.

Are you all right?

- Just a little for my nerves.

- Well, sit by a window.

John.

- Found Harper.

He faxed me his handwritten notes taken at the time.

You'll find what you're after.

- Thank you.

- [Dave] Chock's away.

- [Jenny] Wait for us!

- Hang on! - Wait for us!

Good morning, everyone, sorry I'm late.

This is my husband Bill, who has decided that he no longer

wants to live with his little tart and would like

to come home and live with his wife.

So what do we all think about that then?

Isn't that lovely?

No, I didn't think so either.

(Bill shouts)

And if I ever see you in Causton again,

I will chop your bits off.

Righty-o, ding ding, let's go.

- Feeling better?

- Oh, come on, give us a cuddle.

- Now don't tempt me.

- [Worker] Come on.

- What are you doing?

- I'm moving an illegal obstruction.

It's not like Dalgleish is gonna object, is he?

- That's not a very smart thing to say.

- The man was a pest.

He deserved to be culled.

- [Worker] I say, hold!

- Why did you leave Brighton before being questioned?

- We were busy.

Shop to run back here.

- So why go in the first place?

- Business. - What business?

- Our business.

- How did you get back?

- Hitched a ride on a passing camel.

- You aren't helping yourselves.

- And nor were you when Dalgleish was ruining our lives.

- [Worker] That's it.

- Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby would like to know

what you had in the holdall you were carrying to Brighton.

- Rhubarb, long sticks of rhubarb.

- Listen, messing me around is a mistake you will regret.

- Is that a threat?

- No, it's a statement of fact.

- [Worker] Hold it!

Bring it down.

- What did you say?

- [Worker] Hold it.

- Get onto our favourite magistrate.

Search warrant, six uniforms, big blokes, big boots.

I'm sick of this.

- On the double yellows then.

- Looks like it's been here a couple of days.

- [Ben] Ready to go, sir.

- And they are at home.

- Hang on a minute.

Slow down, they're not gonna go anywhere just yet.

Now George.

- Brighton Forensics phoned.

Apparently the cutting edge of the murder weapon

left minute traces of ferrous oxide on the neck wound,

which would suggest some kind of antique blade.

- And what do you make of that?

- Absolutely no idea.

- Well, that's very useful, isn't it?

Well, actually it is useful.

Thank you, George.

Right, let's go.

(dramatic music)

- Take this building here.

Check out his van.

Go help the others when you're finished.

- Morning. - Yes, with me.

You two with those buildings we passed on the way in.

You two everything else.

- Come on, come on. - Turn it over, boys.

- [Officer] Down here, come on quick around the back.

- [Trent] What's all this about?

- Oh, good morning, may we come in?

Thank you.

- You cannot do this.

- Lucy, this is a murder investigation.

You'd be surprised what we can do.

- Guv? - Yeah.

- [Officer On Radio] 94, nine four August Road.

- Jones?

- [Ben] Yes, sir.

- Oh, this is the bag they had in Brighton.

What's that?

- Deliberately blunted.

Probably just ceremonial.

Certainly not a murder weapon.

But of course we don't know that for sure.

So please explain how you come to be in possession

of a murder weapon.

- That can't be, really.

- Looks like it.

- But they're antique swords.

We're antique dealers.

- So why hide them?

- They were stored, not hidden.

- Where did you get them?

- Off a bloke.

- Let's spell this out very clearly.

You've been bugging me for months about Dalgleish.

You were in the vicinity at the time of the murder.

You're in possession of a possible murder weapon.

Why did you hide the swords?

- They were procured differently.

- Come on, spit it out.

- And old man owned them.

- [Ben] So you robbed him.

- [Lucy] No.

- Dave Hicks.

- Dave Hicks, it's always Dave Hicks.

Dave Hicks what?

- He put us onto him.

They belong to that woman mayor's dad.

- Please, go on.

- Dave had been 'round to the house for meetings

with that Mrs. Mayor, you know, sort off-limit meetings.

Clocked the swords,

saw that the old bloke was a little bit doolally,

reckoned if we nipped in there we could maybe persuade him

to sell the swords cheaply.

Then we bung Dave a percentage of any profits on resale.

- Thank you.

- Right, let's go through that again, shall we?

- A little gem indeed, John.

Thought it might help you with your nudge.

- [John] It certainly will.

I'll get right on it, cheers.

- Stephens, what?

- I got onto my friend Sarah at the bank.

We do Pilates together.

She accessed those accounts the manager

was being a bit slow on.

- A policewoman who can circumvent the law, well done you.

Well, now there's a surprise, or not.

- Chief Inspector, I really don't know

what you're talking about.

- Council agenda for next month.

Upcoming business, traffic, housing, blah blah blah.

Then right down here in other business, probably come up

when everyone's tired and just wants to go home,

a proposal to reinforce sea defences in the Wandin Valley.

Proposer, oh look, her worship the mayor.

- So?

- So if you repair the sea defences,

that land will no longer be flood-prone.

- Correct.

- Making the land rocket in value.

- But we won't own it.

- No, but your friend Hicks will.

- I don't see or like where you're going with this.

I think you should leave now.

- You held meetings with Mr. Hicks at your father's house.

That usual?

- It was convenient.

- And Hicks took a bit of a shine

to your dad's antique swords, do you remember that?

Your poor old dad was robbed yesterday.

A couple of Hicks' mates lifted his swords.

Apparently Hicks put them up to it.

Now there's a thing.

- How can I help you, Chief Inspector?

- [Tom] 100,000 pounds.

- Where'd you get this?

- Hugh Dalgleish gave you 100,000 pounds

two weeks before he died.

- It was a loan to the council, private finance initiative

to help pay for the Brighton land.

- No, it wasn't, Mayor Hicks.

It was used for bungs to vote for a scheme

to reinforce the sea defences on your land.

And now poor Mr. Dalgleish is dead,

he won't be asking for it back, will he?

And that, sir, to me spells motive for murder.

- You're crazy.

- I'll get back to you, sir.

And may I suggest, Mr. Mayor, you call your lawyer.

(dramatic music)

- Christine?

- Dave.

- Barnaby's all over the place.

You got to kill the trail.

Wipe everything, dump the hard drive,

talk to your iffy mates.

Tell 'em to keep schtum,

otherwise I'll tell the whole world I bribed 'em.

I go down, they come with me.

- Where does that leave me?

- Same as always.

Good, honest citizen helping the police whenever she can.

- He wanted to take me to Marbella.

- He's all class.

- Say night night to the family.

Grandpa William, Great Grandpa William, William of Normandy.

Night night.

Up the stairs to Bedfordshire.

Williams the Whig, William of Parva.

William of everywhere and everything.

- (laughs) You are cheeky.

Night, night, John.

- Good night, Sue.

- Yes. - Night.

- All right, watch how you go.

- Yes. - Thanks.

- You all right then? - What's up with him?

- Yes, I am very sorry.

- Oh, wait for me! - I know you can't forgive me.

- You left me in there. - Oh, come on.

- Yes, I will.

Yes, I will.

- Good night.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(Tom humming)

- So how was your cousin?

- John, oh, he's very good.

Right stuff.

- And?

- And what?

- And how was Jenny Russell?

- Well, not too good.

Things haven't been going too well for her.

- Well, isn't she lucky to have friends

who are so supportive of her?

- Yes, yes, she is.

- Yes.

- Joyce.

(dramatic music)

(Bill screaming)

- Want to move it back, John.

- Probably the same murder weapon.

Definitely the same MO.

- [Man] Easy does it, Terry.

- Okay, Bill, let's hear it again.

This time try a story we might find vaguely credible.

- I just dropped by to pick up a few things

that were jointly owned.

- Oh yeah, like her jewellery and cash?

- I don't know how they got there.

- Up.

- Open and shut, is it?

- I don't think so.

- [Ben] Okay, mind your head.

- Can you imagine the pain of crucifixion?

Hours and hours of agony, days--

- [Tom] Giles.

- I'm sorry.

I just find it all too...

- The anonymous letters.

You said the first one was addressed to you,

but you threw it away.

- Yes.

- What did it say?

And please don't tell me you can't remember

because I still won't believe you.

- It suggested I was gay.

I'm not, I'm not anything.

Some people are sexual creatures, some people aren't.

I have neither reaped nor have I sewn.

- How long have you known Richard William?

- I've been the unhappy rector of his parish for two years.

- That doesn't answer my question, does it?

- What do you mean?

- Was it pure coincidence that you came here as rector?

Or were you driven here by your sense of guilt?

- I was drawn here by God.

- You, sir, took your degree in theology at Oxford.

You were a contemporary of Richard William at Oxford.

- Was I?

Maybe.

- [Tom] And you fell in love with him there, didn't you?

(dramatic music)

- Love, what is love?

Is God love?

- And the attack on Richard in Brighton 20 years ago,

I've got the arresting officer's notes on that.

When Lady Matilda was mayor of Causton, she took Richard

along with her as her escort on her Brighton trip.

And you secretly met up with him there, didn't you?

- Yes.

- [Tom] But you had a falling out.

You argued, am I right?

- Richard.

(water splashing)

Richard.

He fell.

- And the police thought it was a gay bashing.

But Lady Matilda would have none of that,

no such slur on her family name, so she bullied

a Brighton police officer into falsifying his findings.

- Did she indeed?

- What were you fighting about?

- Richard said he'd fallen in love with someone else.

- Who?

- He didn't say. (phone ringing)

- Write it all down, Charles, everything.

The truth this time.

Barnaby.

- Hey. - Hi, John.

- [John] I've got the tape, you up for it?

- Oh yes, well done you.

Well, look, I'll do the paperwork and I'll see you there.

- [John] Take me about an hour.

(dramatic music)

- So what now?

Yes, yes, of course.

- John.

Jones, this is Detective Chief Inspector John Barnaby,

Brighton CID.

He's my cousin.

- Heard a lot about you, sir.

- I bet.

- What now?

I'm getting sick of this.

- David Hicks, we have come to arrest you.

- Arrest, what for?

- Bribing a council official.

- What?

- Conversation between you

and Christine Wakely recorded yesterday.

We also have all your emails.

- Entrapment.

- Detective Sergeant Jones, would you care

to accompany the mayor to the station?

- Turn the freaking light off.

- But he's no murderer.

- No, hasn't got the balls.

You sticking around, John?

- No, I'll keep working my end.

We'll have a proper drink next time you come down.

- Oh, I'll look forward to that.

And thank you, John, thank you.

- Oh, Richard, I'm so sorry.

I'm just not very good at this.

Oh, Marcia, good afternoon.

How nice of you to drop by.

Where have you been?

- Out.

- Well, perhaps you could be a little less enigmatic

and a fraction more practical.

- I have to attend evensong.

He likes soldiers dunked in the yolk.

- These are lies.

These people would say anything to blacken our family name.

- You knew perfectly well that Richard was not attacked

leaving the library.

Actually he was found in a small park on the outskirts

of Brighton, a park where men were known to go

to meet each other for casual sex.

- I had to protect the family--

- Family name.

Yes, listen, I do understand that.

I believe there is a link, a connection

between the murder victims and certain anonymous notes

that were sent to Giles Shawcross.

One of which suggests--

- Yes, yes that Marcia and I have an unnatural relationship.

Giles told me all about it.

Quite gleefully if you ask me.

- Is it true?

- Mr. Barnaby, that is prurience, not investigation.

Of course it's not true.

I live in the big house and have a village to run.

It's quite enough for any woman.

- And Marcia?

- I assume equally arid.

She has very few friends apart from those people

she meets in the gymnasium.

- [Tom] Does she work out?

- [Matilda] Oh yes, obsessed with exercise.

Beneath that mild exterior, she's built like a pit pony.

- Lady Matilda, do you know who this is?

- Oh, one of Richard's Oxford friends.

- It's Giles Shawcross.

- Giles?

- The man who met and attacked your Richard

in that park in Brighton.

They were lovers.

- No, impossible.

- Yeah, look at the chin and the angle of the head.

It's Giles.

- Oh, poor boy. - Giles believes that he was

brought here by a just if somewhat perverse God

to atone for his youthful sins.

- And Richard must have known all about it.

And unable to tell anyone.

- Where is Marcia now?

- Church.

- I'd like to see her room please.

- Upstairs, third on the left.

- Thank you.

- I must find Richard.

Richard, Richard?

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- What is that?

- That is the Terrys winding me up.

We'll have to walk from here.

- Oh.

- Ow.

I'm fine.

So Richard wasn't there.

- Didn't see him.

- Well, maybe Richard's got something to do with it.

- Oh no, Jones, come on.

Not in the real world.

Think about who was named in those threatening letters.

- Lady Matilda.

- Who is at home.

- Reverend Giles, Marcia.

- What is it connects them all one to another?

- What are you doing?

- You know something, not even the bell ringers

stay for evensong.

Come in, do their bit, then off to the pub.

- Can we get on with the service please?

(slap cracking)

What's the first psalm?

- Inheritance, Jones, that's what connects them.

Look, Lady Matilda has got a big estate.

Crumbling, yeah, but big.

And a line that stretches back a thousand years,

but it's all going to come to an end in the shape

of the wreck that's Richard William.

- [Marcia And Giles] The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil.

- You're kidding.

- I don't think so.

- You think Dalgleish was leaning on Jenny Russell

to marry Richard William.

Jenny Russell.

Surely, Richard would be incapable.

- No, no, Jones, not these days.

Perfectly possible to extract the sperm from Richard

and implant it in a healthy female.

- Jenny Russell?

- Yeah, who was deeply in debt to Dalgleish.

- And you think Lady Matilda went along with this.

- Yeah, but I think some other parties

were not quite so willing.

- And now a special prayer for the dying.

For those in our parish about to face the final hurdle.

- Stick to the proper order of service please.

- Marcia McIntyre devoted her entire life

to caring for Richard.

Now why would she do that, do you think?

- She was in love with him.

- She was.

- How did you get there?

- Nothing clever.

Searched her room, found her yearbook.

They were all at Oxford together.

Marcia ousted Giles from Richard's bed.

Giles crippled Richard.

- [Ben] What a mess.

- Yeah, come on.

- Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.

Well, we know what has to happen now.

- Yes.

- I'm ready, are you?

(Richard breathing heavily)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(dramatic music)

- Marcia!

Put the sword down.

Giles, get out of here.

- Stay where you are.

- Give me the sword.

- No, no.

Vengeance is mine saith the Lord,

and I will execute vengeance

in anger and fury-- - Jones, Jones, Jones.

- [Marcia] Upon the heathen, such as they have never heard!

(Giles screams)

(Giles gasping)

- Jones!

- My peace I give to you.

- DS Jones, ambulance, Midsomer Parva Church, now!

- Giles Shawcross.

His spinal cord has been severed, completely severed.

He's never going to walk again.

- I have been very much at fault, Mr. Barnaby.

- I don't think this is about you, Matilda.

- I only had the one son.

And then Marcia came along offering her services as a carer.

I didn't know she was--

- No, well she and Richard had their little secret.

- Is it a light trim, sir?

Something for the weekend? (laughs)

- [Tom] For Marcia, her whole life--

- Who do we want to look like today?

- [Tom] Was in the love that she had for Richard.

- Cary Grant? - And for her church.

- Clark Gable? - She had no idea

at the time of Richard's involvement with Giles.

- We'll look like our oh so very handsome self.

- Until the new rector turned up.

- Mr. Shawcross, there is one thing we haven't actually

talked about, which is the condition of the roof.

- [Tom] No wonder Giles felt he was in God's hands.

You were gloriously oblivious, weren't you?

But Marcia wasn't.

- I was never very good

at the subtleties of this life, Mr. Barnaby.

- And then Hugh Dalgleish comes along

with his extraordinary, bizarre agenda.

- It's very simple, Lady M.

I want land, you want your precious family line to continue.

I presume Dicky boy still functions as a man.

- I beg your pardon.

- We take seed of his noble loins, impregnate--

- [Tom] And Marcia heard it all.

- And joint them legally.

I'm sure your pet rector will do the deed.

- And so betrayed, outraged, terrified of losing Richard,

she set about eliminating everyone involved in the scheme.

And what for suitably biblical way to dispatch them

than with the fabled Sword of Guillaume, hm?

But even in her disturbed state, Marcia maintained

a very high degree of cunning by laying a false trail

of accusatory letters, even one maligning herself.

And she let her hooded alter ego be recorded on the CCTV.

And that opened a whole avenue of suspicions.

And then the revived Causton-Brighton visit,

that presented her with a perfect opportunity.

I mean, where else, where better than to begin her work

than in the very place where her lover had been destroyed.

In Brighton, she attached the sword

to the back of Richard's wheelchair and then set out

to deliver her judgement on Hugh Dalgleish.

(Hugh shouts) (girl screams)

(dramatic music)

(flesh squishing)

And then she had to destroy the proposed breeding vessel

and Richard's future wife.

(flesh squishing)

Jenny Russell.

Jenny Russell.

And I'm guessing, but you as co-instigator of the scheme,

you'd have been next.

- Oh, Marcia, you poor woman.

Such demons.

Well, things to be done.

Duties, always duties.

You will excuse us.

- Lady Matilda.

- Come along, Richard, people to visit, gardens to tend.

(upbeat eerie music)