Original subtitles

(explosions blasting)

(guns firing)

(explosions blasting)

(aeroplane engine roaring)

- [Soldier] Quick as you can, quick, quick.

- Tommy, what are you doing here?

- Look!

- That will do, into the car.

(bomb blasting)

- Thomas Hicks, you have been found guilty of cowardice

in the face of the enemy.

The sentence is death by shooting.

The firing party will be found from your own regiment.

Lieutenant Hammond, take him away.

(dramatic tense music)

- [Soldier] Take aim,

fire! (guns banging)

(dramatic tense music)

(gun bangs)

(retching)

- [Soldier] Left, right, left.

(marching band music)

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Royal Midsomers, halt!

Right, right, turn.

Steady, ace.

Stand easy.

- I would now like to call upon my father,

Corporal Lionel Hicks,

to unveil the new name on our war memorial,

that of his father, my grandfather,

Private Tommy Hicks of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry.

Father. - Thank you.

There you go, dad.

(audience clapping)

- And so after 90 years, a great wrong is righted

and the twin blemishes of cowardice and desertion

are wiped from the pages of the Hicks family history.

- Piffle.

- Here we go.

- The courage and honour of Tommy Hicks is now recognised

despite the efforts of certain elements in our community.

(Biddy laughing)

- How's it goin', Lionel?

- Fine, Biddy, put the kettle on.

(laughing)

- Oh, I know what you want.

- Do the bloody salute!

- Parade, parade up!

Slope up!

One round of volley fire, take aim.

Fire! (guns blasting)

(gun cocks and fires)

Royal Midsomers, slope arms!

- Crack regiment, this. - Shh.

- Parade, right, turn!

Parade, fall up, left.

(gentle music)

- Farce, absolute bloody farce!

- Yes, Henry, come along, girls.

- [Dave] Watch the car.

- What about my wheelchair?

- Forget it, no way, it will scratch.

Get your girlfriend to push you home.

- Thanks, son, I'm glad I fought a war for you, anytime.

(rain falling)

- You going, sir? - No way, I'm not.

The chief's the one with the pretty uniform.

He can get between the Hickses and the Hammonds.

- 90 years, they've been at each other's throats.

- Yeah, and they are truly awful families, Jones.

The Hammonds are all huff and puff military wallahs,

and the Hickses are a bunch of spivs.

- Including his worship the mayor?

- Especially his worship the mayor.

It's his company that put up my bloody roof.

- Maybe this pardon thing will put an end to the feud.

- It's not likely, feuding is an Olympic sport round here.

- Tomorrow is our big day,

so it would be much appreciated if we,

if you could be as authentic as possible.

So we don't want to see any iPod leak

into the regulation lanyards.

And no brollies either, capes only.

(rain dripping)

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I can't think.

What would you reckon?

- I'm going to kill that man.

- Don't touch the electrics!

- Corporal Ryan, did you have your public address system

set up for my commentary?

- [Mickey] They'll hear you loud and clear, Johnny.

- Sir or captain when we're on parade, please.

- They'll hear you loud and clear, sir, or captain.

- Jolly good.

- Florence of Arabia rides again.

(soldiers laughing)

- Parade, parade up!

- You were all a bloody disgrace.

I've never seen such a shambles.

- Silly old fart.

- Put that man on a charge, Johnny.

Put him on a charge.

- Father, I can't do that.

This is not the real army, this is our hobby.

- Hobby, a hobby?

Is that what this family's coming to?

So the army's a hobby?

You are all pathetic!

- [Barnaby] The flashing isn't overlapping,

and these new slate sets, cracked!

Like a complete bloody cowboy.

- Guaranteed? - Expired a month ago.

- Well, will the insurance cover it?

- [Barnaby] Like hell it will, they're all crooks as well.

Come on!

- Look at them!

Jarvis Hammond, Blenheim, Malplaquet.

Sebastian Hammond, Rorkes Drift,

Duggie Hammond on the Somme

and me in Malaya.

Wherever those Midsomers were,

the Hammonds were there to lead them.

So what were you doing?

- You didn't have to come.

- Of course, I did!

Regimental occasion.

My personal feelings don't come into it.

To encourage the others,

that's why Duggie had to shoot that Hicks boy.

Eh, Bella?

Bella!

- Yes, shall we have supper now?

I'll...I'll...I'll go and find the girls.

- Father, tomorrow. - Forget it.

- Please, for the sake of the family,

our name in the village.

- I'm off to the pub.

(wheelchair whirring)

(gentle music)

- Martin, how much do you love Chateau Hicks then?

- Very nice, very you.

- [Dave] I couldn't have done it without your legal nous.

- [Martin] No.

- [Dave] So what you got cooking then?

- When my father retired he passed on various documents

from old clients, most notably, the Hammonds.

- [Dave] And?

- Well, this may be of interest to you.

- I always look after them that look after me.

- [Barnaby] Oh, not the village pub.

- Well, I'm not cooking here!

- Well, the local loons come out of the woodwork

and start to gibber at me.

Couldn't you do a salad?

- Midsomer Parva, the Woodman.

Get your clogs on.

(groans)

(gentle music)

(snorting)

- [Dave] Dave Hicks, man of property.

- Tell it to the Hammonds.

- We're as good as them now.

- In your dreams.

You're still rubbish, you always will be.

- What have I done now?

What?

- Which one of the local slappers

you having a ding dong with this time?

- Give me a break, Jude.

- Well, your golf sweater stinks of Chanel Number Five.

- Look, I'm the mayor of Causton for god's sake.

People watch me every move.

I could no more be having an affair

than flying to the bleeding moon.

- Well, why won't the local women look me in the eye then?

- Probably 'cause of the day you dress.

- I beg your pardon!

- You could try and fit in a bit more.

- I hate living here.

I'm a Causton woman, a townie.

I don't want to be part of your social climbing crap.

- How did the council give permission

for their ghastly house in the first place?

- Hicks probably bribed them.

- Whole family should be put down.

- Oh, please.

- Terrible people, always were.

- It's been going on for ninety years now.

Maybe we could all move on? - Why?

- Because, because.

- Oh, by the way, Daddy, I must have some more money.

The livery costs have gone ballistic.

- Not a chance.

The trustees have made some very boring investments,

all capital, no income.

- How long are those bastards gonna rule our lives?

- Until your grandfather, your mother and I

are all dead and the trust wraps up.

Then you'll both be very comfortable.

Meanwhile you could always get a job, like your sister.

- Blah, blah, blah.

- See, 30 acres of solid gold.

- It's agricultural.

I mean, look at the zoning.

- You always were the dumb one, weren't you?

- Dad!

- I'm the mayor, head of planning.

Change of use order?

Certainly, Mr. Mayor.

30 acres, solid gold. - Right, that's cool.

That's really cool, nice one, dad.

(recorder rewinding)

- Miss Hammond? - Mr. Hicks.

So, how's it going?

- It's going how it's going.

- I mean, when will it be finished?

- It's a work of art, not a military objective.

Please? - Artists.

No order, no discipline. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We represent everything you abhor.

Now shut up and get on the bed.

(bar patrons chatting)

- So the Hickses have come a full circle,

from yobs to nobs in a hundred years.

(laughing)

- And don't they love you for it?

(laughing)

- [Lionel] Do you want a drink, George?

- Nah, I've got the milk round later.

- [Lionel] You still doing that?

- Oh, aye, set your clock by me.

- Hammond Hill here, the lane goes right past the Hall.

Easy peasy.

Oh, come on, it's for Lionel.

My old mate there, yo, Lionel!

- Yo, Mickey.

(laughing)

- Huh, they've lacquered these horse brasses

instead of polishing them.

- About 50 years ago.

They've got crumbed scampi. - Oh, goody.

(laughing)

- [Mickey] What'll it be then?

- [Lionel] Nothing for George.

Shandy for me and the same for my ho.

(laughing)

- Would you people keep the noise down?

- Are you talking to me, general?

- No, I'm talking to that Hicks creature.

- [Lionel] Oh my god.

- Do you know what was wrong

with the execution of your father?

- Not tonight, general.

- Duggie should have shot him

before he had a chance to breed.

- You leave him alone.

- Then we wouldn't have this long line of Hickses

living in Parva, in that bloody awful red brick monstrosity.

- I'm not fighting tonight. - No, of course, you're not!

Because you're like your father, a coward.

- Come on, Biddy.

- Go on, you little weasel.

(laughing)

- Right, Lionel, that's it, come on.

(laughing)

Go on, get back in there,

go on, smack him already.

- Charge!

(dramatic music) (cheering)

(clanging)

- Oi! Oi! Oi!

Stop it, stop it.

All right, you stop it, both of you.

Stop it there, stop it now.

Put that down.

Lionel, give me that.

What is the matter with you two?

Has evolution passed you by?

What was that ceremony about, yesterday, eh?

Was that drawing a line under

all this flaming business or not, eh?

- Oh, you're right.

What you say, Henry, kiss and make up?

- Over my dead body. (wheelchair whirring)

- Ow!

I'm going to finish my meal.

If you lot want to kill each other,

would you please do it quietly?

(laughing)

- Don't you worry.

- On parade, corporal.

(gentle music)

(yelling and laughing)

- Get off, (laughing) stop it!

God, I hate you.

Just behave, will you?

- Hmm, what would our families think?

- A common Hicks all over a posh Hammond?

There'd be dead generals spinning in their graves

all over the world.

- We'll have to tell them soon.

Here, sit here.

Sophie, will you marry me?

- If you pass the physical.

- Come on. (yelling and laughing)

- Yes, sir, oh, I do understand, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

- Sir, was it? - Sir, it was.

And joy of joys, Jones, we have to go to the re-enactment.

- We? - We.

- [Dave] Hello, Tom.

- Mr. Mayor, what can I do for you?

- Well, I was just wondering why your chief

never comes along to anything I organise,

always sends his underlings.

- Probably because he doesn't want to be seen

with a cowboy builder.

- You just never get it, do you?

Never come to the party, always out there in the cold.

- What are you gonna do about my roof?

- Hands are tied, Tom.

Contracts, guarantees, accountants.

'Course, if you knew how to shake a hand

and stand on one leg...

- If you've got no official business here, Mr. Mayor,

would you please go away?

- Right, well, I'll see you at the do then.

(laughing)

(trumpet jazz music) (plane engines roaring)

- And here comes the red baron, Manfred von Richthoffen,

being chased through the skies

by our own captain, Roy Brown.

- (chuckles) How do I look?

- Um, interesting.

- You can go now.

(plane engines roaring)

- Could this be curtains for the Red Baron?

There they go!

Big cheer for our Jack.

Hip hip! - Hooray!

(crowd cheering and clapping)

- That's far too close to the crowd that.

- Health and safety will have a fit.

- Lionel, how goes it?

- Watch this.

(microphone feedback buzzing)

- Oi! - Stop that, you rascal, you.

- Keep up the good work.

- The Midsomers always wore their lanyards

on their right, never on the left.

- What about their pink socks,

which feet did they wear them on?

(laughing)

- I know you, Ryan, Shankill Road.

You were a disgrace then, no better now.

Get out of my way!

- See all this, North Meadow,

the 30 acres. - Oh, right, yeah!

100 townhouses, easy! - Very easy.

- Looking right into the Hammonds garden.

Um, profit and revenge all in one.

(chuckles)

Brilliant, dad, brilliant.

- I've got them all on here. - All what?

- All the local women.

I'll check the lot of them, and I'll sniff yours out.

- You are losing the plot, Jude.

- Hammonds been at the dressing up box again, has she?

- Just shut up. - What?

- You're drunk and you're being an idiot.

- Woo hoo, get him then!

♪ When I was in the army, ♪

♪ I was a calvary man you know ♪

♪ And whenever I went on parade ♪

♪ A magnificent picture I made ♪

♪ With my galloping here and my galloping there ♪

♪ This ridiculous habit I've got ♪

♪ And I'm damned if I don't think I'm galloping now ♪

♪ Whether I'm in the saddle or not ♪

♪ And the people they stare at me so ♪

♪ For it matters not where I may go. ♪

♪ It's my bumperty, bumperty, bumperty, bump ♪

♪ As if I was riding my charger ♪

♪ Bumperty, bumperty, bumperty, bump ♪

♪ As fast as an Indian charger ♪

- What's happening here then, eh?

- Piss off, Danny.

- It's a bloody Hammond!

You gotta be kidding me!

- Want me to break it? - No.

- On your bike.

- You'll keep, you'll keep.

- [Sophie] He's a little treasure.

- Yeah, he's gonna be your brother-in-law.

- Don't ruin it.

♪ Bumperty, bumperty, bumperty, bumperty ♪

♪ As bad as an Indian rajah ♪

♪ All the girls declare ♪

♪ That I'm a gay old stager ♪

♪ Hey, hey, clear the way ♪

♪ Here comes the galloping major. ♪

(audience clapping)

- That's a fine bit of woman.

- Away team, Mickey.

- Yeah, yeah, we'll see.

That was really good. - Thank you.

- I was wondering, Kate.

- What?

- Oh, you're a great looking girl, see,

so I was hoping that maybe you might consider playing

for the home team now and again.

(men chuckling)

(groaning)

- It is dawn on July the 1st, 1916.

On this day, 58,000 British troops will die

in the bloodiest day of our history.

Amongst them were 88 members

of our own Royal Midsomer Yeomanry.

The day begins with the artillery bombardment

to get Johnny Hun to keep his head down.

- Now watch it all go to hell.

- At 5:00 a.m. precisely, a huge land mine

planted directly under the enemy lines

is the signal to attack.

(explosions blasting) (soldiers yelling)

(guns banging)

- Alas, the artillery fire had had little effect,

and the German machine gunners

relentlessly mowed down our boys,

who gave their lives for king and country.

(machine guns firing) (explosions blasting)

(soldiers yelling)

(birds chirping)

- Quite moving, really.

- Fall in, come on.

- That's it, fall in, fall in, come on!

Royal Midsomers, by the left, quick march.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, that way, that way,

left, right, left, left.

- What?

- Why did you marry dad?

- Oh, well, the Harcourts were military as well,

so it was a sort of amalgamation of the regiments,

a bit like the Surreys and the Midsomers.

- But daddy doesn't like women.

He's queer as a coot.

- Well, obviously, he knew how to do his duty by his family

a couple of times at least.

(scoffing)

- God, no wonder you're such a basket case.

- Thank you, darling.

Henry? - Oh, thank you.

(sighs)

The whole family's going to hell.

- Yes, Henry.

- Sophie, is she a, is she a communist?

- No, Henry, she's a social worker.

- And Kate, what's wrong with her?

Why does she, why does she, why does she dress like that?

- I can't imagine.

- And Johnny, (chuckles)

if it hadn't been for you and me,

where would this whole family be now, eh, Bella?

Duty, that's what matters, duty.

- Goodnight, Henry.

(sighs)

(suspenseful music)

- [Mickey] Left, left, left, right, left, and halt!

Right, keep quiet, keep low, let's go.

(suspenseful music)

(Henry mumbling)

(whistling)

- Royal Midsomers, halt!

Squad, take up positions.

(dramatic music)

Henry Hammond, you have been found guilty

of cowardice and desertion in the face of the enemy.

It is the verdict of this court martial

that you be executed by firing squad.

Have you anything to say?

(Henry mumbling)

- So sorry, sir.

Final words, general?

- You miserable little oik.

I'll have the lot of you for assault.

- But you'll be dead, sir, just like Tommy Hicks was dead.

- Do you really think I'm gonna intimidated

by a pathetic bunch of drunken bank clerks

and a cocky corporal, do you?

You're nothing, Ryan, nothing but a tick.

Now undo my arms, I'll knock you down.

- Firing squad, 'shun.

Oh, come on, look, he's had it coming to him for ages.

Take aim, take aim.

Take aim!

(guns cocking)

Say goodbye, general.

Fire! (guns blasting)

(suspenseful music)

Now you know how it feels.

(laughing)

- Pathetic bunch, all of you.

Come on, take me home!

- To hell with you.

Come on, let's go.

Right turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left.

Left, right. - He's got a lotta balls.

- Ah, shut up!

Left, right, left, left, left.

(twig snaps)

- Who's there?

(gun cocks)

What do you want?

(gun bangs)

(milk cans clattering)

(truck engine roaring)

(wheelchair whirring)

(crashing and clattering)

- George. - I don't know what happened.

I don't know.

Just doing me usual milk round.

I know Hammond Hill's tricky, so I was being extra careful.

- [Barnaby] This is Mr. Bullard.

- Right down the middle of the road he come.

I swerved, but then he turned right back into me.

- He turned his chair? - Aye.

Deliberately come into me.

- I doubt that.

- Well, it's the truth.

- Very difficult to operate a wheelchair

when someone's shot half your head off.

(gagging)

- Were you born sensitive, George?

Or did you develop the skill over the years?

- Who is that?

- Derek Watson, sir, found him singing in a ditch.

Interesting story though.

- It was a joke.

We just thought we'd freak the old bugger out.

- But it didn't work. - No.

He wasn't a person, he was a bloody tank.

He knew we wouldn't kill him,

and he wasn't in the least bit frightened by us.

- So it all backfired? - Aye, a crazy idea.

Looked good when we'd had a few pints,

but we didn't kill him.

You've been through us all.

We're not a hit squad.

We're just a bunch of ejits.

What?

- Your friends maybe as moronic

as you say they are, Mickey, but you are not.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

You leave the folly and lo,

someone who just happens to have a gun,

happens to be passing by and shoots Henry.

How very fortunate for them?

- It was a coincidence!

They must have followed us, or...

- Would you excuse us?

What do you think? - I don't know.

- Well, it's no way to plan a murder, is it?

Bunch of drunken yobs, obscure location,

plenty of witnesses.

Mickey, you told someone, didn't you?

And they piggy backed on your plans.

Who was it, Mickey?

Who did you tell about your little game, eh?

- Just me mates there. - Apart from your mates.

Who else could have known, could have overheard something?

- Well, anyone.

The guys might have told their wives, whatever.

It was just a joke, it wasn't bloody world war three.

- Okay, Mickey, get out.

You're still a suspect. - Yes, sir.

- So, who didn't like Henry Hammond?

- Half the county, but let's start with his natural enemies.

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, Mr. Barnaby, it's tragic, isn't it?

- Yes, yes it is, very tragic.

- Tragic, the way when anything happens to a Hammond,

the police are around here

faster than you can say hide the silver.

- Mrs. Hicks, I am pursuing normal lines of inquiry.

- For the so called gentry

who obviously have you in their pocket.

- [Barnaby] Mrs. Hicks, would you mind telling me

where were you last night, please?

- We were all here.

- I was asleep in my study. - In your study?

- He snores, so I sent him to his study.

- So you were out and about, were you?

- Well, only for about ten minutes.

Then I could still hear him snoring through the floor.

It's the cheese that does it.

He eats it last thing.

(foosball rolling)

- And where were you? - What?

- Would you give that a rest, please?

Thank you.

Where were you?

- In my bed, on my own.

- I checked on him, too,

just to tuck him in. - Mum!

(door closing)

- So,

where were you?

- I was just having a walk, clear my head a bit.

- You were seeing your tart.

- Jude, there is no tart.

- I'll go public.

- Jude. - Take you apart.

You think I don't read those papers you give me to sign.

You think I don't know what you've put in my name.

- Darling!

- You think you'll get any of it back?

- Jude, that is my operating capital.

- Mine now.

And when I find your slut, I'll have all your money

and you'll be in the slammer thinking,

"What a silly boy I was for cheating on my lovely wife."

- But you are my lovely wife!

I love only you, genuinely, honestly.

- Oh.

Really, Davey?

- Really, Judy.

- Now isn't that nice?

(phone ringing)

(door closing)

- Martin! - I was ringing about Henry.

- Yes?

- Nothing to do with you, is it?

- Martin!

- Well, it puts you one step closer.

- Just shut up!

(dramatic music)

(quiet sobbing)

- Oh, Dickens. - Munsters.

- My wife has a few problems

in the emotional stability area.

Something like this tends to...

Maybe we should go to the study.

- Yeah, please.

You go talk to the Hammond daughters.

- I suppose you wanna know where we all were

at the time of the murder. - Yes, sir.

(sobbing)

- So you and your wife have separate bedrooms.

- Mr. Barnaby, please don't be so coy.

This is a small community,

and my proclivities are not exactly unknown.

- I, I, I was not aware, and you do have two daughters.

- The facts are not mutually exclusive.

Maybe you should read a little more.

- So how were you getting on with your late father?

- My father was real army,

the last in a long line of stalwart Hammond warriors.

I was his worst nightmare, and he mine.

- Well, if you really must know,

around that time I was having a bit of a serious snog.

- Can I have the gentleman's name?

- The gentleman's name was Caroline.

- Caroline!

Oh right, right, right.

Well, I apologise for assuming...

(clearing throat)

- Look, you really should talk to my mother.

She holds the keys to this family.

She knows what goes on behind the closed doors.

That's why she's such a mess.

- Mrs. Hammond?

I'm sorry, I know this is probably not the time

to be asking tedious questions.

But, you know, the longer a suspect goes unapprehended,

the more likely he is to...

Then again, if you don't feel up to...

- No, no, no, no, no, it's all right, I'm all right.

What, what do you want to know?

- Are you sure? - Yes, for God's sake.

Henry dealt in certainties, and now he is certainly dead.

We will mourn for him when the enemy is routed.

- Is there an enemy, Mrs. Hammond?

- Well, he didn't blow his own head off, did he?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant a specific enemy.

- Well, yes, I do, the Hickses.

This is what they exist for, to make our lives a wasteland.

- You were very close to your father-in-law?

- Loved him,

hated him.

Love, hate,

what's the difference, Mr. Barnaby?

What's the difference?

- Your whereabouts last night, Miss Hammond?

- [Sophie] I was having my portrait painted.

- [Jones] All night?

- [Sophie] Except for when I was having sex.

- With a man? - What?

- Sorry, I'm sorry, no, no, I was-

- Talking to my sister. - Yeah.

Your grandfather-- - Was a bore and a bully.

- And who did he bully?'

- Everyone, my parents, my dark side of the moon sister.

They didn't do all that damage to themselves, you know?

- But would anyone have wanted him killed?

- Well, obviously, someone did.

- A Hicks, perhaps? - I do hope not.

I'd hate to marry into a family of murders.

- Marry? - Yes.

I'm marrying Will Hicks.

- And how will that go down with your respected families?

- I don't care, Mr. Jones.

I've never been part of this idiotic vendetta.

Now, anything else?

I do have half of Eastern Europe out there.

(children shouting)

- I'll miss him.

Bugging Henry gave me something worth living for.

Might as well croak myself now.

- Oh, come on, Lionel, there's no need for that.

What about Biddy?

- Ah, she's a nutter.

You don't wanna listen to her.

She talks cobblers from breakfast to dinner.

I'm only in there for the sex.

She's very-- - Right, thank you, Lionel.

- Oh, so you could have left without her noticing, too?

- Doubt it, she doesn't miss a thing.

- She's very different from her sister.

- I can't believe they're from the same stock.

- But you're very different from your brother, too.

- There's no accounting, is there?

- Keep pushing, keep pushing, go on, Johnny.

A straight left right and then finish.

Good work, good work. - Okay, thank you.

(boxing punching)

- You know, Simon, ever since my father died

I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off.

- Mm-hmm.

- He never understood me.

- Oh, I think he did, Johnny.

- [Johnny] What the hell are you doing?

- Rubbing you up the wrong way.

- What do you want? - A chat.

- [Johnny] About what?

- The unpublished codicil to your grandfather's will.

- Don't know what you're talking about.

- Your grandad Duggie decreed

that when the Hammond family trust wraps up,

then your North Meadow comes to the Hickses.

I wonder why he did that?

- He was disturbed. - He was guilt-ridden.

Anyway, if my family's gonna get the meadow

for free one day, why don't you and I do a little deal now

and you can cup yourself a tidy sum today?

- Sell Hammond land to a Hicks?

So you can do some dodgy deal and build all over it?

How stupid do you think I am?

Get out of here.

- The times, they are a-changing Johnny.

The servant shall be the master.

(water sloshing)

- Well done, Nick.

- That was quick.

- They didn't even have to dive.

It was six feet from the edge.

- How deep is it there?

- 18 inches.

- How deep in the middle?

- 25 feet.

He wanted us to find it.

- What is it?

- .455 service revolver, issued about 1916.

- And how do you know that, Mr. Bullard?

- My belief in the great circle of life, Tom.

What goes around, comes around.

(laughing)

- What?

- Married, Sophie and I are getting married.

- I told you, didn't I tell you?

- But she's a Hammond.

- Traitor, you total traitor.

- She's having you on, she'll leave you crying at the altar.

- Hmm, thanks, mom.

Grandad?

- Go for it, son. - Dad!

- Well, they love each other.

History's history.

It's all bloody rubbish anyway, isn't it?

- You've changed your tune.

- No, it was fun, but it ain't anymore, is it?

Not since Henry got killed. - Dave?

Say something.

- I've gotta send some emails.

(printer whirring)

- Looks like Bullard was surprisingly correct.

Regulation service revolver issued to Duggie Hammond

in the September of 1915.

- So it seems likely that the same gun was used

to finish off Tommy Hicks, very poetic.

- Gun was reported stolen from the Hammonds five years ago.

Danny Hicks was questioned

because he already had juvenile form

and his prints were found all over the gun cabinet,

but nothing came of it.

- Why was that?

- Looks like the Hammonds didn't press charges.

- Well, you'd think that the Hammonds

would leap at the chance to nobble a Hicks, wouldn't you?

Keep digging.

- Where's he gone?

- God knows, he does that sometimes.

- [Doctor] There you are, Biddy.

Now get this to a chemist,

and make sure you take the whole course.

Hello, Tom.

- What's the matter?

Is the door stuck?

- Biddy likes to be treated through the window.

- Let a doctor in the house and you're on your way out.

- What about police officers, Biddy?

Are they allowed in?

- Just don't nick anything. - Thank you.

(laughing)

(cats meowing)

- That smells adequately revolting.

- It's not for eating, it's for feet.

- Oh, for feet, is it?

Well, I'm very glad.

- So what do you want?

- Hammond. - Henry?

Well, he'd dead.

- No, Duggie Hammond, Henry's father.

- Oh, dead a long time.

- Yeah, I know he's dead, he died in 1935.

- Well, I never knew him.

How old do you think I am?

- But your mum knew him. - But not me.

- No, not you. - No, not me, no.

- Did she ever mention him?

- She said he was sensitive.

- And what killed Duggie Hammond so early in his life then?

- Oh, he was a right old worry bags.

Guilt, my mum said, over what he done to Tommy.

Oh, he spent all the time in church

praying for forgiveness and promising to make amends.

- And did he? - What?

- Make amends.

- He looked after his family.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, don't ask me, I'm just a daft old witch.

Ask anybody, they'll tell you.,

Biddy Dixon, fiddle-de-dee, daft as a brush.

(laughing)

- So that's congratulations, Soph.

We're all so happy for you, is it?

- You are kidding?

- No.

- But Will's a Hicks.

- Yes, daddy, well done.

- I bet he wants a dowry.

The Hickses always want something of ours,

our land, our money.

- We haven't got any money.

My God, even with grandpa dead,

we don't get anything until you fall off your perch.

And what is the point in land if you can't flog it?

- Mummy? - Hmm?

- What do you think? - About what?

- Can you join us for a minute?

Me marrying Will Hicks.

- Oh, um, I, I, I think it's terribly amusing.

(laughing)

I'm so sorry, please excuse me.

It's been a very stressful week.

(laughing)

- Could you pass the salt, please?

(suspenseful music)

(light switch clicks)

(car engine roaring)

(door opens and closes)

- Who'd have thought, eh?

Dave Hicks and Bella Hammond.

(chuckles)

25 years, you know, next week.

- Thank god for small Thorazines.

- So what we going to do about this wedding then?

- Let it pass.

Most first marriages are a mistake.

- That's not quite what I meant.

I mean, let's face it, they are brother and sister.

(drink spews)

- What are you talking about?

- 25 years ago, your Johnny's playing soldiers in the sauna,

you're coming to me for your jollies.

So who's the father of your girls?

His worship the mayor.

What?

- Well, Johnny might have an alarming penchant

for the other ranks, but he has always understood

the meaning of the word duty,

however distasteful he may have found it.

- Well, pity, thought we might one day, you know,

legitimise the position.

- Me, with you?

- Well, once you'd elbowed Johnny.

(laughing)

- David, David, I picked you for my occasional indulgence

because it appealed to a certain perversity within me.

When having sex with you, I like to imagine

how deeply horrified the Hammond clan would be.

But believe me, otherwise it was pure farmyard.

Nothing else at all.

- Bloody Hammonds, think you're so superior.

- Because we are.

- Well, why don't you find another stand-in

for your faggy husband, if you can?

Take a look in there, Lady Macbeth.

That's no spring bloody chicken.

(door slams)

(gentle music)

- Birth certificates from that period, sir.

They show no connection between the Hickses and Hammonds.

- But Biddy Dixon's mum claimed that Tommy's mother,

a lowly laundry lady,

had been knocked up by Colonel Sebastian Hammond.

- So Duggie executed his own half brother?

- Alleged half brother.

- You could verify that through DNA analysis, sir.

- Oh, yes, so we could, good idea, Stephens.

- Thank you, sir.

- Jones, what news of Danny and the gun?

- He says he had nothing to do

with the theft from the Hammonds,

claims his fingerprints must have been planted there

by someone who wanted to frame him.

- Was he serious? - No, he was winding me up.

He knows we can't touch him on that one.

♪ The mademoiselle from Armentières, parlez-vous ♪

♪ The mademoiselle from Armentières, parlez-vous ♪

♪ The mademoiselle from Armentières ♪

♪ Hasn't been for 40 years ♪

♪ Rinky, dinky, parlez-vous ♪

♪ The officers get the pie and the cake, parlez-vous ♪

♪ The officers get the pie and the cake, parlez-vous ♪

♪ The officers get the pie and the cake ♪

♪ And all we get is a bellyache ♪

♪ Rinky, dinky, parlez-vous ♪

(birds chirping)

- 10 minutes of an engraver's time

in exchange for your life.

That's all a poor man gets.

- Eh, none of your commie stuff here, please.

- What did the army give me?

A dishonourable discharge,

just for selling off a few bits and bobs they weren't using.

(laughing)

(remote control car whirring)

- Where are the kids controlling that?

(remote control car crashing)

What's that?

- Bloody hell,

that's a detonator.

(explosion blasting)

- [Man] Sir?

(beeping)

- Pentaerythrityl tetranitrate, P-E-T-N,

the explosive popular with shoe bombers.

It's easy to mould into any shape

and remains stable until it's detonated.

Now these touch cards will tell

if a person's been handling explosives.

So all we've got to do is to find someone

with the telltale molecules on their hands

and we've got 'em.

Thank you.

- There were three Hammonds on that memorial,

and you really think I or any of my men

would try to destroy it?

- What about Lionel?

Was it an attempt on his life

as revenge for the death of your father?

- No, no, no, it's the Hickses trying to discredit us.

The Hickses are at the bottom

of everything rotten round here.

- Why didn't you press charges

when your grandfather's gun was stolen?

- My wife thought it would just create

further bad feeling between the families.

- Was she worried about that?

- Who knows?

Let's face it, what do you get for burglary these days?

A holiday in Wales with a social worker?

- Tenerife, if it's serious. - Thank you.

(suspenseful music)

(window breaking)

- That was my bloody Jag, I loved that car.

I mean, I'd hardly want to blow it up, would I?

- The explosives were initially aimed at the memorial,

perhaps even at Lionel.

- Right, it was a revenge attempt by the Hammonds,

plain as the nose on your face.

But you are deliberately ignoring the obvious,

'cause the police and the army see themselves

as brothers in arms.

Do you know your trouble?

You have no respect for the political and business community

as represented by their mayor.

- Danny, may we have some more

of your ubiquitous fingerprints, please?

- I didn't nick the gun!

I wasn't charged, so it didn't happen.

- I choose not to believe that,

so your finger prints now please, on there.

- [Judy] Where is he?

- [Secretary] He's in conference, Mrs. Hicks.

- [Judy] Oh, piss off.

- Hello, darling.

- You are so dead.

- And why is that, my precious?

- Bella Hammond.

You have been shagging Bella Hammond for the last 25 years.

- Dad!

- No, I haven't.

- Chanel Number bleeding Five.

And she knows what you yell when you get your rocks off,

"Go, Dave, go!"

Well, go, Dave, go, it's all in my name,

so right now it's go, Judy, go with every penny you've got

and every inch of skin on your fat arse.

See you in jail, loser.

- Bella Hammond?

- I was just getting some inside information.

- You're so full of it!

- My future mother-in-law.

(chuckles)

A bit off, dad.

- It seems that lack of respect for the Mayor

is endemic in our wayward community.

(suspenseful music)

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Judy Hicks has been banging round the village

telling everyone that you and Dave

have been having an affair for years.

- She always was a noisy woman.

- So it's not true? - Well, of course not.

- Thank god.

- An affair would suggest some kind of passion,

affection even.

All Dave and I ever had was pretty basic sex.

- You are joking?

- Well, it wasn't really up your strasse, was it, darling?

- But a Hicks, for god's sake.

- Yes, I know.

That was the really good bit.

- That is quite unforgivable.

- I don't need forgiveness from this family.

- That's all the men in the village tested,

and the boys that run the cars, not a trace.

I'm very disappointed.

- What about the women of the village?

- Explosives, not a woman thing.

- That's very sexist, George.

- You want me to test the women?

- Yes, I do, and dig out all the public records

on both the families.

And you better ask those nice people at DNA

if we can afford to test them.

- Is he onto something?

- We're never quite sure.

(gentle music)

- Ah, Reverend. - Hello.

- I'm looking for the grave of Thomas Hicks.

Can you help me, please?

- Yes, it's down there just on the left.

- All right, all right, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Solicitor, he says he has something of interest

regarding father's will, excuse me.

(suspenseful music)

(dog panting)

(machine gun firing)

(gagging)

- What's happening?

- There's a misfed round in the breech.

I wonder if the shooter was injured?

- Well, there's no sign of blood or anything.

- Your solicitor, Martin Chadwick, denies phoning Johnny.

- But Johnny said it was him.

- Yeah, well, the call actually came

from an unidentified mobile phone.

Have you got any thoughts? - Hicks.

- Yes, but other possibilities.

- One of his soldier boys.

You know, Johnny was a little left of centre,

sexually, not politically.

- Did he know about your relationship with Dave Hicks?

- It wasn't a relationship.

We just had sex occasionally.

- Which went on for a period of many years, by all accounts.

- Where are you going with this?

- Well, it must throw a somewhat speculative light

over the parentage of your two daughters.

- Oh, for god's sake, don't you start.

They are Hammonds through and through,

just look at them, their noses, eyes.

There is no way they are anything to do with Dave Hicks.

- Yes, yes, I'm agreeing with you,

nothing at all to do with Mayor Hicks.

- Right.

- Your daughter, Sophie,

was born four months after you married Johnny.

- So I was pregnant when I got married.

Hardly ground breaking territory.

- Yes, but until two months before you married Johnny,

he was away in Australia for a year.

Do you see that the maths is confusing.

- He flew back for a break.

- Well, he may well have done,

but you wouldn't have been here, would you?

- Yes, I was. - No, you weren't,

because you were in Northern Ireland working for the M.O.D.

as indeed was Henry Hammond.

In fact, you were his assistant, his PA.

As you say, Hammond through and through.

I thought that Henry was a little over familiar

for a father-in-law, but you didn't seem to notice, did you?

It was as if those gestures were not uncommon.

So you had Sophie by Henry. - Yes.

- And Kate? - May as well be

hung for two lambs as a sheep.

- And what did your husband think of this arrangement?

- Henry gave Johnny a family and a place in local society,

but at considerable cost to his self-esteem.

I would be grateful if you would keep

your very perceptive insights to yourself.

- [Barnaby] I'll do my very best.

- You're an officer and a gentleman.

- So how come you two are always around

when things go wrong?

- We were fixing a water pump at the Reynolds place,

just up the road.

- And what does Lionel do?

- He guards my lunch, okay?

He just comes for the ride, he's me old mate.

- Look at this, found near the machine gun.

How many bits of a machine gun are made of plastic?

- None. - No.

But toy cars can be made of plastic.

Mickey Ryan's military record?

- In Northern Ireland, same time as Henry Hammond.

Dishonourable discharge from the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry

for stealing ordinance, unspecified.

- That is a word we do not use around here, Miss Stephens.

Get it specified. - Yes, sir.

- Just had a hopping mad Judy Hicks come in, gave me this.

A conversation between her husband and son Danny

discussing how they might develop North Meadow,

Hammond land.

- Duggie Hammond wanted to make amends.

Well, come on!

Here, George, your start of a 10.

- Small transmitter box.

- Yeah, which presumably transmitted to a receiver

on the machine gun where I found the other aerial.

Johnny presses the remote for his garage door

using his normal infrared transmitter

which triggered the garage motor,

which in turn triggered this transmitter

that sent a signal to the machine gun.

(machine gun firing)

- And the wheelchair? - Same M.O.

Old Henry is executed.

(gun bangs)

Radio receiver is wired up to his wheelchair controls,

and off he goes.

Then, trying to destroy the evidence,

the controller guides Henry into the path

of the oncoming milk truck,

which they knew always passed that way at that time.

Same with the radio controlled car.

- So who's the electronics expert around here?

- Mickey Ryan. - Yeah, but he's alibied,

isn't he, by all his re-enactor mates?

- So what do we do now?

- What we do now, Jones, is think laterally.

Go at it from the other flank.

(suspenseful music)

This is the local and very bent solicitor,

and we deal with him in a way he understands.

Mr. Chadwick, you deal with all

of David Hicks's legal work, do you?

- Yes.

- Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but his little empire and all its associated chicanery,

is about to implode, owing to his wife feeding us

details of his somewhat illegal business arrangements.

You, you get several mentions.

- How can I help you, chief inspector?

- Oh, Martin, thank you.

Does David Hicks have any entitlement to Hammond land?

(suspenseful music)

- When the trust is wound up, the Hickses get North Meadow.

This was a secret codicil to Douglas Hammond's will.

- How did David Hicks find out about that?

- I can't think.

- When does the trust expire?

- By law, all trusts expire after three generations.

- So that will be now, after the death of Johnny Hammond?

- Not quite, the trust remains in place

while the spouse of the deceased is still living.

- Spouse?

Martin, thank you very much.

- Mr. Mayor?

- Father, grandfather, one and the same?

You disgust me.

- I wanted you both so much,

my children, my daughters.

If I hadn't behaved as I did, neither of you would be here.

- I wish I wasn't.

A surveyor called.

He wants you to go up to North Meadow

to discuss boundaries or something.

(tractor rumbling)

(dramatic music)

- Bella, you all right?

- Thank you, Mr. Barnaby, you saved my life.

- [Barnaby] Actually, it was Jones who did,

well, but, no, it was nothing.

- Sir! - Yay.

- We found the transmitter.

- It was tuned to the 2.2 HG public band,

so all that was needed was for this simple transmitter

to convert the electronic pulses to mechanical movement.

- Really? - And it's Kate's horse box,

and she was the one who sent Mrs. Hammond to North Meadow.

Can I run with this, sir?

- So how do you explain these facts, Miss Hammond?

- I don't explain anything.

I'm just telling you, I got a phone call.

- But the horse box is your vehicle?

- So bloody what?

I can barely operate a light switch.

I mean, do you really think I'd know

diddly twat about electronic gizmos?

She's the one who did engineering.

- Oh, please, I switched to sociology after one term.

Well, you're the one always talking about cash.

- Oh, thank you, sister dearest.

- Just shut up. - Up yours!

- I'm so sick of you!

- Hey, hey, ah, ah.

Ladies, ladies, please.

- I hate you! - Hey.

- Ow! - I will kill you.

- Please! - Kill you!

- Sir! - Yes, Jones?

- There's a situation.

That's enough!

You don't have to look quite so smug, sir.

- Well, of course, I do.

It's one of the perks of experience.

- [Biddy] Now what do you want, Mr. Busybody?

- Biddy, what do you know about Lazarus?

- He came back from the dead?

- He certainly did, and what did he do then?

- Picked up his bed and walked.

- Yes, it was a miracle,

and I think you performed a miracle

with the local social services, haven't you?

- So what's in there? - Hey, hey, hey!

Do you know what a maguffin is?

- No. - Well, it's one of them.

(dramatic music)

- So it's a Hicks, then?

- Oh, this is personal, isn't it?

This is all about your bleeding roof.

- No, it's not about my roof, it's about motive.

- So what is my motive?

- You're an evil little crook.

- Not now, Jude.

- Oh, thank you, thank you very much

for your interesting tape, Mrs. Hicks.

- What tape? - The one that'll hang you.

- The tape that contains amongst other gems

your plans to exploit and corrupt the local planning laws

once you got your hands on the North Meadow.

- No. - I warned you.

- Course, you can only inherit that land

after the deaths of both Johnny and Bella Hammond.

Now, David, that looks like a pretty good motive to me.

- Right, take him down. - But--

- Why would you want to kill Henry Hammond?

- Yeah, yeah, right.

- Well, I'm not sure, Dave.

Why would anyone want to kill Henry Hammond?

Danny, you got an opinion on this?

- Eh? - Oh, come on, Danny.

We all know that you stole the murder weapon.

- Okay, I nicked the gun, but, you know, it disappeared.

Really, it was in my room and then it wasn't.

- The room you once shared with your brother?

Will, did you take the gun? - Why would I?

- Henry, Johnny, Bella,

who inherits the estate once they've all gone?

Well, I'll tell you.

Kate and her sister, Sophie, your fiance.

She'd become very well-off, won't she, eh?

But we don't consider that very likely, do we?

We haven't found an ounce of malice in Will's history.

He's a nice man. - He's a very nice man.

- Where does the malice really come from in this family, eh?

- Do you bloody mind?

What are you getting at, Barnaby?

You hate the Hammonds.

I mean, you really hate the Hammonds,

especially after you found out about,

about the interesting connection

between Bella Hammond and David here.

- I'm not a murderer.

I'm not a bleeding psycho either.

And I have alibis for all the times, don't I?

- Yes, you have, indeed you do.

- So you've done us all and no result.

- [Judy] Right.

- Hello, Lionel.

(box rattles)

- You took your time.

- Dad, sit down, you're disabled?

- It's all right, I'm not concerned with benefit fraud.

Biddy Dixon is always teaching people

how to fiddle the system.

- So what's your beef then?

- Lionel, you were in the engineers

during the last war, weren't you?

Dropped into France before D-Day

to blow up railway lines, bridges, supply depot and stuff.

You really know your explosives, don't you?

- Expert.

- And then you became one of the first people

to repair televisions.

- Yeah, I looked after Mr. Churchill's television.

- So, remote controls. - Doddle.

- And then you were made an honorary member

of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry reenactors,

and getting your hands on their armaments,

that was a doddle too, wasn't it?

Especially for a cunning old man

that looked like he wouldn't harm a fly.

- Well, mugs, the lot of them.

- So all you had to do was to wait the opportunity

to use your accumulated skills, and I suspect, Lionel,

I suspect that opportunity came down the pub

when you overheard Mickey Ryan and his idiot pals

concocting their plan to humiliate Henry Hammond.

- Then we recreate the whole execution scenario,

see how he likes it?

- [Barnaby] Then you went to Danny's room.

I bet that particular weapon

pleased your sense of justice, eh, Lionel?

- It killed my dad.

- Then, up on Hammond Hill, you watched

as Mickey Ryan conducted his little farce.

- Fire! (guns banging)

- And (gun bangs)

you attached a remotely activated device

to Henry's electrically operated chair.

(wheelchair whirring)

And goodnight, Mr. Hammond.

(crashing)

One strange detail.

Why was the gun dumped in shallow water?

Answer, because the thrower was a very old man

who didn't have a great deal of strength.

A simple explanation, but one that didn't occur to me

for some little time. similarly with the fun and games

down at the war memorial.

(explosion blasting)

That was a very clever attempt that, Lionel,

to deflect suspicion away from yourself.

- My bloody car!

- Teach you not to let me ride in it.

- Then there was the death of Johnny Hammond.

That must have been quite a challenge for you, Lionel, eh?

- Yeah, I needed all me smarts there.

- Of course, you couldn't operate a machine gun by yourself,

could you, but you could rig one very effectively.

So you attached all the necessary gizmos

and linked them through to the garage door mechanism,

thus Johnny Hammond triggered his own death

within minutes of you telephoning

to tell him his solicitor wanted to see him.

(machine gun blasting)

Same with the baler, I guess.

- Oh, rigging that up was a stroke of genius.

- Dad, why?

Why'd you do all this?

- The Hammonds killed my dad!

- But you've been living with that for 80 years!

- Ah, it wasn't just that.

- No, a few months ago,

Biddy told you the whole story, didn't she?

And it was even worse.

Tommy Hicks was executed by his own half-brother.

(gun bangs)

Alleged half-brother, that is, still not proven.

- Well, it's true.

Tommy and Duggie Hammond was brothers.

But Duggie didn't want a Hicks muscling in on their family.

No scum in the toffs' trough.

- You heard Dave and Danny talk about the day

the North Meadow would go to a Hicks.

- Yeah, and I thought why should we wait?

We've waited long enough for what's ours,

what those bastards owed us.

So I got them, didn't I?

I did, I got them.

- Dad, you are gonna spend the rest of your life in jail.

- How long is that, 10 minutes, a year?

Life, who cares?

I won.

I won the war!

♪ It's the soldiers of the queen, my lads ♪

♪ Who've seen, my lads, who've seen, my lads ♪

♪ In the fight for England's glory, lads ♪

♪ The soldiers of the queen ♪

I did it for you, dad.

- How'd it go? - As expected.

Unfit to plead, detained at her majesty's pleasure.

- How did you get his honour to do this for free?

- [Barnaby] His honour is doing this

out of the kindness of his heart.

- That is nice. - Well, I thought so.

(eerie music)