Original subtitles

(uplifting music)

(group chattering)

(bike bell rings)

(clock ticking)

(horse neighs)

(hooves pounding)

(birds chirping)

(foreboding music)

(foreboding music)

(moaning)

(horse neighs)

(clock ticking)

- Thank you.

(birds cawing)

(upbeat music)

(papers rustling)

- Ah, there again.

- Thank you so much.

- Well, long time no prayer, I'm afraid.

- But always good to see you, Sir Freddy.

- You know the girls, don't you?

- Delighted to see you all, m'ladies.

- So you put in a good word for me upstairs, eh?

Come along, my girls.

Allons mes belles.

Come on.

- Inspector Barnaby on a case, is he?

- Uh oh, yes, he's very busy.

- [Sir Freddy] Come on, women, chop chop.

There we go.

Alrighty, nice to see you all.

(doors slam)

(horn beeps)

- [Cully] It's Mr. Toad.

- [Joyce] It's Freddy Butler and all his wives!

(horn beeps)

- [Male Announcer] No, they won't get a run from that.

(audience applauding)

There's been a bit of hesitance with the way

it's been stacked.

- [Cully] So how much alimony does he pay?

- God knows.

It must be millions.

Neither of his exes remarried.

- [Barnaby] Good morning, you two.

How was the church?

- Guess who was there?

- The vicar.

- Freddy Butler and all his wives.

- Oh, that sounds dangerous.

- He's summoned his entire family to Haddington.

- Yeah, the village is buzzing.

- And we're going to be here this afternoon.

- But it's the cricket.

Why, what are we going for?

- It's the Haddington Open Day.

You know, funny vegetables, homemade jam.

- And that's probably the reason

he's invited the family down.

- Oh, don't be silly.

(upbeat music)

- Maybe he's found the legendary Haddington emeralds.

- Do they actually exist?

- No, that's why they're legendary.

- Raffle tickets!

Raffle tickets, anyone?

No one gets through without a raffle ticket.

- [Female] Come on, don't be shy.

- [Female] Raffle tickets.

- [Female] No one gets through without one.

- Shall I buy a raffle ticket? - (sighs) I'll do it.

- [Female] Raffle tickets!

Raffle tickets, come on, where are you?

Raffle tickets, come on!

- You see this particular bush grew

from a cutting my brother, Teddy,

nicked from the Huntington Estate years ago. (chuckles)

And why's it so glorious?

Because Amos here keeps its feet dry,

don't you, Amos?

See, camellias have shallow roots

so don't go drowning the buggers.

Oh excuse me, Rozzers are here.

Barnaby, Irish stew?

Irish stew in the name of the law. (laughs)

- Freddy.

- Don't worry, darling.

He's not after your stash. (laughs)

You know the current missus, don't you?

- Lady Tara.

- And this is our son, Mickey.

- Actually, it's Michael.

- Michael.

- And my brother, Teddy.

- Teddy.

- Come and meet the rest of me coven.

Got 'em all here this weekend.

- Is this a special occasion?

- Oh rather, a three line whip. (chuckles)

What ho, girls!

Lucinda, Bel, meet my favourite copper, Sherlock Barnaby.

Barnaby, wives numbers one and two,

both surplus to requirements now

but still awfully good blokes.

- Mr. Barnaby.

- Lady Annabel.

- Just Lucinda.

I was never a lady.

- A terrible old tart.

Where's your current squeeze?

- Oh, over there.

- A bit young for you, isn't he?

- Naff off, Freddy.

- Well, I'm going to the tea tent.

Do try and behave, Freddy.

- Bella's the only decent one in the whole pack.

Tara's neurotic and my children all sit around

waiting for me to pop me clogs.

My youngest, Michael, la bas, calls me vulgar.

As for my son and heir,

dreadful drip.

Wears cologne.

- [Barnaby] That's his wife?

- Don't.

I mean I'm not a snob, Barnaby, but look at her.

It's like finding a hippo in your carp pond. (sighs)

Now come on, everyone, gather around. (chuckles)

That's it, good, good, good, good.

Thank you.

(microphone feedback)

Well, it's been another huge success today.

Now the only thing that remains to do is to announce

the winner of the monster vegetable competition.

And the winner is, yes, for the seventh year in a row,

my own dear brother, Teddy! (laughs)

(group applauds and cheers)

Right wave to the mob, Teddy.

- God, Tara's a cow.

No room at the hall?

My ass.

- Probably better for us, actually.

- [Lucinda] She's still a cow.

(suspenseful music)

- So you never actually saw this desk

in all your years at Haddington?

- No, but it's definitely Freddy's mother's handwriting

and I did find it one of her old hatboxes.

It's got to be legit.

- Still the desk is French, mid-18th century,

probably Louis 15th.

Follow your nose 'til yo find the little rose.

- Course, it could be in the smoking room.

Now that's been shut up for years.

- Or maybe Freddy's found the emeralds himself

and that's what he's about to tell us.

- I'd kill him.

(chuckles)

- He's probably just thought

of some new way of humiliating me.

They all laugh at me.

N-Q-O-C, Not Quite Our Class.

That's what they say.

- Of course they don't.

- Even the servants think I'm rubbish.

(spritzing)

- We better go down.

- We have to have sex.

- What?

- I'm ovulating.

Do you want a son or not?

- I think we could probably have dinner first.

- Look, I've got to go.

It's dinner at the Hall.

Freddy's having one of his does

but I'll pop in again later, all right?

- Come along, Teddy.

(Birds chirping)

- Ah!

(Whimsical music)

(car door slams)

- I might just go by the smoking room, desk hunting.

- Good idea.

You can get in around the side.

- Do you know why he's got them all here, mum?

- I haven't a clue, my darling.

- Maybe he's found the emeralds.

- Then he should give them all to you.

- In my dreams.

(dishes clanking)

(ominous music)

(whimsical music)

- What is Sandra wearing?

- Don't be mean, darling.

- Why are we here, Freddy?

- You mean on this planet?

- (chuckles) For dinner.

- I'm Henry the eighth I am, I am. (chuckles)

- Oh, chopping their heads off, eh?

(whimsical music)

- Since the ban they've become so much more brazen.

- Sandra's upset.

No one's talking to her.

- What am I supposed to do about it?

- You are the hostess.

- I'm also your stepmother

but I ain't gonna wipe your bottom, am I?

(group chattering)

- Okay, Hatty, let's see the beast.

Come on, woman.

(group chattering)

Oh, yummy! (chuckles)

(flatware clanking)

- For heavens sake, Freddy, it's July!

- Bugger the month, I like venison.

Amos, come on, splosh the plonk.

They're gonna need it.

(wine splashing)

(whimsical music)

(dishes clanking)

(dishes clanking)

(whimsical music)

(glass clanking)

Right, well hush up, everyone.

Freddy's in the chair.

Oh, very fine dinner, Hatty, very fine indeed.

Oh, excuse me. (chuckles)

(ominous music)

Where was I?

- You have something to tell us.

- Right, well, I haven't found the Haddington loot,

if that's what you're thinking.

- I've brought you all here today because...

There's something that concerns you all because....

(ominous music)

- Are you all right?

- 'Course I am. (chuckles)

Fit as a fiddle.

- Well get on with it then.

- Well, I asked you all here because...

because...

(loud thud)

- Freddy?

Come on, Freddy!

Stop mucking about!

(slap)

- So what killed him?

- Gluttony, he had late onset diabetes,

high blood pressure, and arteries like old drains.

I'd say his coronary was about two years overdue.

- No sign of anything untoward?

- Bit of arsenic.

- Ah!

- No, ah, nothing.

It comes with the diabetes treatment.

In correct doses, arenic's very good for you.

Natural causes, Tom.

Makes a change for Midsomer but there you go,

can't have everything.

(bell ringing)

- Why are we hand delivering an autopsy?

- It's just courtesy.

(footsteps)

- Yes?

- Good morning, love.

I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.

This is Detective Constable Jones, Causton CID.

Can we speak to Lady Butler, please?

- You are speaking to Lady Butler, Lady Sandra Butler.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Lady Tara Butler.

- Tara Lady Butler.

- I beg your pardon?

- When a baronet dies his widow, the dowager,

changes the position of her first name in the title.

So Lady Tara becomes Tara Lady.

Do come in.

- You get that?

(light music)

- Tara's in the morning room, down there on the right.

- Thank you, Lady Sandra.

I won't be long.

(knocking)

- You may await your superior in the staff sitting room.

- I'm fine here, thank you. - I would prefer it.

There are a lot of valuable items hereabouts.

Through there.

- Well, this is ridiculous!

Your pathologist's a fool.

Freddy was murdered!

- Why?

Why do you say that?

- Oh for God's sake,

look he was about to make some big deal statement,

gets everyone here and then just dies.

I mean, likely?

- But it is possible.

Have you got any idea what it was Sir Freddy

was about to reveal?

- No.

- No clue?

- I just said no.

- Yet you still think it might've been important enough

to have him murdered over.

- Yes!

(clicks tongue)

- Have you done a lot of this sort of thing?

- What sort of thing is that?

- Police work.

- Yes, yes, I have done a fair bit, thank you, Michael.

(ominous music)

- Hello.

- Who are you, then?

- I'm Detective Constable Jones.

Lady Sandra told me to --

- Use the trademan's entrance?

- Sort of, yeah.

- Too many butlers spoil the broth.

- Sorry?

- We now have four Lady Butlers on the premises,

two exes, a widow and --

- And a big tart.

I swear, if that woman gives me one more hoity toity order,

I'll slap her from here to Christmas.

I'll be off now darling.

I'll see you later.

Try not to be too upset, all right?

Officer.

- I'm sorry about Sir Freddy.

How long have you worked here?

- I don't.

I just help out when mum's got a big do on.

I have the bookshop in the High Street.

- So, is there anything I should be asking you?

- Interesting clan.

- They're all a bit suss.

Lady Lucinda's bloke, a Simon Oliver,

was searching the place the other night.

- Was he?

- Yeah, so Jenny tells me.

- Jenny?

- Uh, Jenny Down.

Cook's daughter.

(dishes clanking)

- So where's our new Lady Butler?

- She'll be here in a minute

and if you could treat her appropriately,

I would be most grateful.

- I heard a really weird noise outside last night.

- Did you, darling?

- It was a sort of howling.

Do you think it could've been father's ghost?

- Michael!

- God, you're a prat!

- Sorry.

- And talking about that will --

- Which we aren't.

- But when --

- Henry York will read it two days after the funeral.

- What do we all get?

- Darling, please!

- It's what we're all thinking.

- No, we aren't.

- I am.

(door squeaking)

- Sandra.

- Soup?

- You're sitting in Richard's place.

- I beg your pardon.

- Richard is now fifth baronet

so he sits at the head of the table and I,

as his wife and consort, sit opposite him.

(laughs)

- Sandra, maybe this isn't --

- Be quiet, Dicky.

- Be quiet, Dicky. (laughs)

- I'm staying right where I am.

- I don't think so.

- Sandra, you are of course absolutely correct

in your understanding of the etiquette involved here

but maybe as Tara is a recent widow,

we all ought to maintain the status quo

'til after the funeral.

(tapping)

(slow music)

(group laughing)

- Stop that, it's very cruel.

- Oh, stupid bloody woman.

Only a mother of Freddy's could be such a pain.

- Bingo.

- Fantastic!

Right, follow your nose 'til you find the little rose.

(key clanking)

- Follow your nose 'til you find the little rose.

(dramatic music)

- P27, L6, W3,

what does that mean?

- Finding it hard, well,

take a look at the book of poems by Rupert.

- That doesn't even rhyme.

- You have to provide the rhyme.

Finding it hard, well take a look.

At the book of poems by Rupert,

Brooke.

(squirting)

- Well, Mr. Aubergine,

you're a bit of a back of the class, boy, aren't you?

Look at all your chums, going ahead by leaps and bounds,

but don't you worry,

TLC, Teddy's Loving Care.

(squirting)

- Bad tum?

- Bad feeling.

- It's fine.

I've had the lab reports on Freddy Butler.

Enough cholesterol to kill a horse but no known poisons.

- What about unknown?

- There aren't any.

- Well, how do you know if they're unknown?

- Tom, he died of natural causes.

You have to accept that and you'll feel better.

See you later.

(ominous music)

- Tom, you can't ask me questions like that.

- Oh, I can, can't I, Henry?

Surely, I mean this is not official.

We just happen to be chatting and I just happen to wonder

if you had any worries about Freddy's death.

- None at all, why should I?

- What about his will?

- What about it?

- Who collects?

- (chuckles) Freddy Butler was my last client.

When I close his file, I retire.

So I'm not going to cock it up, am I?

There will be reading of the will after the funeral,

not before.

- Any surprises?

- Go away, Tom.

Don't be such a terrier.

- Henry, thank you.

We'll miss you.

- Thank you.

(door shuts)

(ominous music)

- What's the first one?

- Page 27, line six, word three.

- I mean, we all remember Lucinda, don't we?

Boozing for the world eleven.

Poetry was hardly her thing, was it?

- Which poet was it?

(keys clicking)

(computer beeping)

- Brooke, Rupert, Collected works.

(church bell ringing)

- If I should die, think only this of me,

there is some corner of a foreign field

that is forever England.

- Page 43, line eight, word seven.

- Children.

- So what have we got?

- Knows, destined, eyes, rose, children.

- Doesn't make sense.

- We've got the wrong edition.

Freddy's mum most have been referring

to a specific volume of Brooke's poems.

One that she had at the Hall.

- I'm sorry to interrupt.

- Can I help?

- I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby from Causton CID.

We met up at the Hall.

- Of course.

- May I?

I was up at the Hall again today.

Lady Tara seemed to think that someone may have had

a grudge against Sir Freddy.

What do you think of that?

- Well, he was a total bastard.

I mean look at the way he dumped me

just 'cause I couldn't give him a spare.

- A spare?

- He had Richard with Anabel, the heir,

but when I didn't produce the spare,

he dumped me for Tara, his little coke head,

and she, of course, being a farm animal,

dropped one in no time.

- And what about you, sir?

- Me, sir, what?

- Well, I was wondering if you'd lost something

up at the Hall?

The night Freddy died,

I gather you were looking for something.

- Oh, right.

Compulsion, I'm afraid.

I deal in antiques.

Everywhere I go,

I have to check out the furniture. (chuckles)

(whimsical music)

(spoon clinks)

- So do you enjoy living here?

- I do.

- You don't find it too much for you?

I mean you are getting on a bit.

- This is very true.

- So, Dicky and I were wondering if it might

be a bit of a strain on you.

- Not at all.

- You haven't considered sheltered housing then?

It's just that,

my husband and I were thinking that Haddington

would make a really good convention centre

and that the estate houses would be better suited --

- Sandra, Freddy said this cottage was mine for as long

as I wanted it.

Only when I die does it revert to the estate.

- Yeah, well, Freddy's dead now.

Now it's all down to Dicky.

And me.

(light music)

- Jenny?

- That's me.

- Could we have a chat?

- Fire away.

- Inside?

(door squeaking)

- What do you want?

- Well I was wondering if Jenny wanted to be friends

with Dicky like she used to be.

I mean, now I'll be taking over the hall,

well, I thought maybe --

(slap)

Oh, bloody hell!

- You silly little man.

- What?

- You had your chance years ago.

I was here for you.

You could've had everything but you turned your back on me.

- It was father.

I told him I loved you and he went ballistic.

- Liar.

- He did, said I couldn't be consorting

with the illegitimate daughter of the cook.

- Freddy would never have said that about me.

He loved me.

- He did.

I promise.

- But he approved of that, that, thing! That Sandra joke!

I wasn't good enough for him but she was?

- No, I don't know.

She just seemed to talk to father and I was sort of married.

- You're pathetic and I really honest to God hate you

so just get out.

- Go on!

(siren blaring)

- Here we go.

- 1972, Lucinda Stanton-Harcourt,

daughter of Colonel and Mrs. Stanton-Harcourt.

She was quite tasty.

- Wasn't she just.

Terrible what 30 years of fags and booze can do, eh?

What puzzles me is what's she doing

with Simon Oliver?

He must be at least a dozen years younger than she is.

- Toy boy?

- And gold digger but she's got no gold.

(phone ringing)

Run a few checks.

(phone ringing)

(keyboard clicking)

- Barnaby.

Uh huh, right, we'll be right over.

(door opening)

(footsteps approaching)

- I just went out for lunch and came back

and found it like this.

It was probably someone who knew my daily routine.

- Thanks, Henry.

That cuts it down.

- I can't think what they were after.

All these files are dead now.

- Except for Freddy Butler's.

The will, Henry.

- Oh, right!

- You getting the print team up?

- Yeah.

(door closing)

(papers rustling)

- Gone.

- Does that mean there is no will?

- Oh, no, no.

What if there'd been a fire.

For important documents, I have signed copies at home.

- So whoever stole it doesn't change anything?

- No, not at all.

(knocking)

- Hello.

What's been happening here?

- Well, actually --

- Someone trying to, you know,

steal something to sell.

Probably the local lads.

- Can I help?

- No, it's fine.

Did you want me for something?

- I was wondering if you might say a few words

at the funeral.

You and Freddy being so close.

- Hello.

- Oh, hi.

- Coffee?

- I was actually born at the Hall.

- Thanks, and your dad worked there, too?

- Don't know who my dad was.

Mum won't say.

It's the shame, darlin', it's the shame.

Not that it worried me.

Freddy was like a dad to me.

He gave me everything, sent me to uni and when I was 25,

he gave me enough money to open this place.

- I'm in my school shooting team.

We came fourth in the Ashburton at Bisley.

- Well, this isn't some old army rifle.

This is a Mannlicher two, two, 250.

- Cool.

- Now show me how you hold it.

- Tuck it into your shoulder more.

Lean into it, weight forward.

- Hm, near enough.

- So, where do we practise?

(metal creaking)

- Taught Sir Freddy, Mr Teddy, and Master Richard

how to shoot in here.

- I like the eyes.

- They eyes, they're the most important thing.

See?

They all reflect white, like diamonds,

all except the fox.

What color's them?

- Green.

- Right.

Because of the chemical makeup of the fox's eye,

he always reflects green.

So if it ain't green, you don't shoot.

What did I say?

- If it isn't green, one doesn't shoot.

- Not unless you want to knock off Hatty's cat (chuckles)

or a goat or worst of all,

(gun fires)

- Excellent.

(door creaking)

- Time for this old tart's bed.

- I might just go for a walk, clear the head.

- Okey dokey, see you later.

(ominous music)

- [Michael] Mummy!

Mummy?

(dog barking)

- And no talking after lights out.

Night, night.

(lightswitch clicks)

(engine revs)

(engine cuts off)

(ominous music)

(liquid sloshing)

(liquid splashing)

(ominous music continues)

(keys clanking)

(keys jangling in lock)

(thunderous eruption)

(ominous music)

(metal clanking)

(metal slamming)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(yelling)

(loud crash)

(engine revving)

(birds cawing)

(camera clicking)

(coughing)

- Definitely arson.

Traces of paraffin all over the place

and the remains of an old paraffin heater.

- I bet you this ties up with the death of Freddy Butler.

- You'd be very upset if it didn't.

- Indeed I would.

- [Jones] Sir!

(ominous music)

Something with wide tyres parked here.

The tracks are quite distinct so it must've

been after last night's rain.

A tractor, maybe?

- No, they're not deep enough.

- Anyone for raffle tickets?

No one gets through without a raffle ticket.

- It's a quad bike.

I saw your Jenny on one of those.

- She's not my --

- Somewhere in that mess was the last will

and testament of Freddy Butler.

- So what happens now?

- What happens now?

- Well, we arrest whoever pops up with a previous will.

- Which they won't if they've got any sense.

- So we've got to squeeze 'em 'til the pips squeak.

I'll take the bike trail.

You start in on the family.

Why don't you try that nice Lady Sandra first, eh?

- Thanks.

- It's not mine.

I can hardly ride a push bike.

It belongs to the estate.

I was just posing on it.

- Posing were you?

- Yeah.

Freddy's Brigitte Bardot fantasy.

Scantily clad girls on motor bikes.

- Selling raffle tickets?

- He was a funny man.

- Were you very close?

- I wasn't his mistress!

- I wasn't suggesting you were.

- Sorry, the gossip machine 'round here

makes you a bit oversensitive.

I was either his mistress or his daughter

but I wasn't either.

He was just a very generous man, kind, no strings.

- I'm not talking to you.

- Lady Butler --

- I do not talk to assistants.

Ask your superior officer to ring

and make an appointment.

(footsteps descending)

(dramatic music)

- It's an all purpose vehicle, really.

Anyone can use it and the keys are kept there.

- Where are they now?

- Just coming, I reckon.

(engine idling)

- I won.

I won again.

I won again.

(horse hooves clacking)

- Would you get off that thing, please?

- Are you talking to me? - Indeed, I am, Michael.

Get off.

- Is there a problem, Mr. Barnaby?

- The problem, last night your family solicitor

was burned to death by someone riding a quad bike.

- Oh God.

- Were you riding this machine

through the village last night?

- Of course he wasn't.

He can only ride it on the estate.

He was at home here.

- And you?

Where were you?

- With him.

- We were in the library until late.

Then we went to bed.

- And what were you doing in the library until late?

- Playing backgammon.

- And discussing family matters.

- Which wouldn't be any of your concern.

(ominous music)

- We're going to impound this machine for forensic tests.

Don't touch it.

- Where were you last night?

- Where were you?

(door creaks)

- Yes?

- I was looking for Lady Butler.

- Could you be more specific?

- Lady Sandra Butler.

- I believe I heard tortured vowels

coming from the kitchen,

bye bye.

(door creaks)

- [Hatty] I beg your pardon?

- [Sandra] When Sir Richard and I take up residence here

there will be a general staff review.

- [Hatty] Review?

Oh you mean sackings?

Oh, you want me to go down London tabloids

with your dirty linen in my old kit bag?

- You will not talk to me like that.

- I just did, darlin'.

(door slams)

- I've told you --

- No, no, no, no, sorry.

That's not the way it works, I'm afraid.

There's been a murder and you don't cooperate,

then I take you down to the station.

Is that clear?

(slow music)

Are you all right?

- Just the thought of being in this place

makes me feel sick.

The smart remarks, the smirks when I use the wrong fork,

or say lounge instead of drawing room.

I swore that when Freddy died and Dicky took over

I'd get my own back.

I'd be Lady Muck with bells on

but they still laugh at me.

(sniffling) So what do you want to know?

- Where were you between the hours

of ten and two last night?

- (sighs) Dicky and me watched telly 'til 10.

Then I wanted to have sex but he went off to talk

to his dead dad or something stupid.

- Do you know anything about the provisions

of your father's will?

- He showed it to me a year or so ago.

- Do you have a copy?

- Uh, yeah, somewhere in town.

- Do you mind telling me where you were

around about 11:30 last night?

- I watched television with my wife in our bedroom

until half ten.

- And then?

- I, I went to bed in my father's dressing room.

- Why did you do that?

- I felt closer to him sleeping in here.

He was such a presence in life

that I feel he's still here in death.

Is that silly?

- No, that's not silly.

Quite common.

No one wants to let go.

- He was a much bigger man that I'll ever be,

not just physically but in everything he did.

Went up the Amazon, drove racing cars, painted, lectured.

I haven't really done anything.

He won that for racing across the Sahara.

- Well, thank you.

Thank you, Sir Richard.

I'll keep you informed.

- I was only born to run things here at Haddington.

That's all we are, caretakers.

We don't own these places, they own us.

- Thank you.

(paper rustling)

(paper tearing)

- I was listening to the radio until almost midnight,

then Teddy dropped by for cocoa and a chat.

- At midnight?

- Teddy's not very good on time.

(liquid squirting)

- Isn't this cheating?

- No, all serious marrow men use growth enhancers.

- Does it affect the taste?

- Oh yes, you wouldn't want to eat them.

- So you were in here until late last night, were you?

- Trying to instil a sense of self-worth

into my aubergines.

- Lady Annabel says that you dropped in on her

for a cocoa around about midnight.

- Oh, really?

Oh well, if Annabel says it, it must be true.

- Well, don't you remember yourself?

- Yesterday is another country, Mr. Barnaby.

Borders are now closed.

- The Brooke volume isn't in the Haddington library.

I've been through all the old inventories.

It was there 10 years ago but not nine.

- So where did it go?

- Which little trollop had her 21st birthday

10 years ago?

- Who?

- Jenny.

Then she opened her bookshop.

Guess where she nicked half her stock from?

(chopping)

- Mr. Brown, there you are.

A word please.

We found some yellow clay in the treads,

in the treads of the quad bike,

and I'm told that it comes from this side

of the estate.

- Yeah, I often use the bike to come home.

Saves a good walk.

- And last night?

- I fancied the walk so I left it in the yard.

- Amos, you got any idea,

any idea at all why Sir Freddy called together

all his family?

- Who knows?

Maybe he found the Haddington emeralds.

- Do you think they really exist?

- No (chuckles).

Sir Freddy thought they did.

Obsessed, he was.

Always had us searching the place high and low

and every year he had a new theory

about where they might be

but we didn't find them

and I never will now.

- Why do you say that?

- Got my notice, haven't I?

Lady Sandra wants my cottage for executives,

whatever they are.

(chops)

(upbeat salsa music)

- Salsa, you can't move for a salsa these days.

- Thanks.

- Ben!

We're a man short.

I was wondering if you'd partner me?

- Ah, no, no, sorry.

(birds calling)

- There's one!

(cocks gun)

Hold your fire.

(fires gun)

- I got it! - What did I tell you?

- What?

- About the eyes?

- If it isn't green, don't shoot.

- And were they green?

No, they bloody weren't!

(bird crying)

(dramatic music)

(laughs)

- It's not funny!

- Good shot though.

(upbeat salsa music)

(group laughing)

(keys jangling)

- I think we'll try again tomorrow night?

- We'll see, won't we?

- I think that's exactly what we'll do.

- So where did you learn to dance like that?

- Hendon Police College.

- Really?

- No, I was joking.

- (laughs) It's hard to tell with you.

Thanks for stepping in.

- Ah, no problem.

- Bye.

- See you.

(keys jangling)

- My door's open!

(cash register whirring)

- There's no sign of force.

- Everything seems to be here.

I don't get it.

- Maybe you just forgot to lock it?

- I never have before.

Will you stay for awhile?

- I'll tell the patrol to come around.

- Page 43, line eight, word seven, place.

So what have we got?

- On the wall, see your face.

Behind your face, a secret place.

On the wall, see your face.

Behind your face, a secret place.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, you really are refreshingly thick sometimes.

It's a reference to somewhere at Haddington

and I'm gonna go and find it.

- Now?

- Yes, got an idea.

I'll see you later.

(door closes)

- Mummy?

Mummy?

I've been lamping for foxes and...

(ominous music)

(birds calling)

- Night, night.

Don't let the bugs bite.

(birds cawing)

(rapping at window)

(rapping at window)

(ominous music)

(gun fires)

(birds cawing)

(slow dramatic music)

(sirens blaring)

- Look at this, George.

- What am I looking at?

- Looking at the angle or rather the lack of it.

Now if the Lady Sandra was what five foot six?

And you say the bullet wasn't deflected

but went straight through front to back --

- It did.

- Then either the shooter was twenty foot tall

or else they were shooting from a considerable distance.

- So what does that prove?

- That the killer was a damn good shot.

(ominous music)

- According to Joe here, it's a double two, 250.

- Any registered round here?

- You keep the key to your gun cabinet in a drawer

in the kitchen?

(shelf squeaking)

- Here.

- Like that's not the first place that someone would look.

- Yes, sir.

It's my fault entirely.

- Okay, thank you, Mr. Brown, that's it.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

- One moment, Mr. Brown.

Can I have a word, sir?

- Yes.

- I know I'm new to this, sir, but well,

his guy, no alibi,

Lady Sandra was going to kick him out of his home.

- Let your fox run free today

and you can hunt him again tomorrow.

- My wife did have the ability to alienate

nearly everyone she met.

In fact, sometimes I would like to have murdered her myself.

Does that sound awful?

- Under the circumstances, yes.

- Well, I'm sorry I can't pretend anymore.

- And I suppose you were asleep

alone in here last night, yes?

- Yes.

- You didn't even hear the shot?

- Heavy sleeper.

(papers rustling)

- What are you doing now?

- My father's gone.

His spirit has moved on, I can feel it.

So I'm clearing out the,

all this.

Excuse me.

(dramatic music)

- So where were you last night?

- I was in my room from ten.

I had a headache.

- And I was with her. We watched television.

- Did you hear the shot?

- I took a pill.

- I was listening to music on my headphones.

- While watching television?

- Yes, it makes for an interesting

sound and vision juxtaposition.

Mummy still has a headache

so I think that will be all for now.

(liquid squirting)

- Baby oil.

Makes them look so luscious.

- Teddy, please, the rifle, the rifle.

Please concentrate.

- Oh sorry, no, never even held one.

I mean, you can't love nature and then embrace something

that would destroy it, can you?

- Amos says that when you were a young man

he taught you to shoot.

- Oh, yes.

When Teddy was a young man, he did all those things,

but as we go through a complete molecular change

every seven years, that Teddy isn't this Teddy!

No.

- Ah Sammy, this file you sent my DC subject, Simon Oliver.

Yes, never charged but name came up in a couple

of fraud cases 15 years ago.

Look, one of his named associates

was a Miss Barrington Guest.

Have you got her first name?

Tara?

You sure?

- You're enjoying this, aren't you?

- Boy's own adventure.

- Do girls get a look in?

- On the wall, see your face.

(ominous music)

Behind your face, a secret place.

(wall creaks)

I found this last night.

- Priest's hole?

- Bloody nimble priests.

- Good luck.

(metal clanking)

- No, it was before my time, I'm afraid.

- So what do you know about Lady Sandra

that was worth selling to the tabloids?

- Who said that I knew anything?

- You did.

I overheard you the day she was threatening to fire you.

- Cheeky begger.

Well if you must know, her ladyship was a tart.

Sandra used to sell her favours for cash

until she realised that marriage was more profitable.

- And how do you know this?

- Freddy was one of her clients.

- You're kidding!

- Not at all.

Sandra had him by the sweetbreads.

I was coming up from the vegetable garden one day

and I heard them having a nice little chat.

- [Sandra] I know what you think I am, Freddy,

and now I'm gonna be one of the family.

- [Freddy] No.

- Freddy, do you really want the whole county

knowing your funny little ways?

I'm marrying Richard

and you're gonna give us your blessing, understand?

- You may think you know what you're doing

but believe me, you'll live to regret it.

- What did he mean by that?

- Well, he knew that the family

would make her life a misery.

They seem very easygoing

but you get too familiar,

they'll cut your skin off.

- Oh my God, help somebody!

Oh my God, quick!

He went down there,

then there was this big crashing noise and he,

oh please, do something!

- Call the emergency services.

- Okay, hurry, please!

(dramatic music)

(metal clanking)

(groaning)

- Everything's okay, just try and keep still.

(dramatic music)

(thundering noise)

(dramatic music)

Let's get you out of here.

(coughing)

- You all right?

(coughing)

- Well done, Jones, well done.

(coughing)

- Don't talk, darling, just breathe.

- Did he have anything with him?

- Sorry?

- Aren't you going to go with him?

- What was that all about?

- Oh boy!

- I owe you half an apology.

- You found needle marks?

- No, Freddy still died of natural causes

but I discovered that he had scrotal hypoplasia

coupled with blockages in the seminal vesicles.

- Come again?

- Freddy Butler couldn't have fathered children.

His nuts were raisins.

- So what are Richard and Michael?

Scotch mist?

- Don't shoot the messenger.

- This hardly seems an appropriate minute

to bring up such a matter!

- Yes, I am sorry but I do have a killer to apprehend

and I rather think that overrides the niceties or protocol.

- And your assumption is extraordinarily impertinent.

- But it is correct.

I know it is correct.

- God, how tiresome.

All right, it wasn't me.

I had myself examined.

I was of sound breeding stock,

as my father would've said.

So I assumed it was Freddy who had the problem.

- So you --

- Yes, all right!

I took certain steps to ensure the line.

- Without Freddy's knowledge?

- Mr. Barnaby, please try not to be quite so middle class.

Most of the better English families breed out now and then.

Just as well without new blood,

they'd all have been gaga generations ago.

- So who was Richard's father?

- Totally immaterial.

- But may I be the judge of that?

- No,

and now if you'll excuse me,

I would like to spend a few minutes alone with Freddy.

(group chattering)

(rock music playing)

- Hey, hey you.

I want you to move all this and put it back in your --

- Lady Tara?

- Wait.

- You having a party?

- Yes.

- But isn't today the day of the funeral?

- Yes, did you want something?

- Yes, yes.

I wanted to talk to you about your son, Michael.

- What about him?

- Who's his father?

It wasn't Sir Freddy, was it?

- Of course it was.

- I have evidence that would indicate otherwise.

- Well, its wrong!

- Sir Freddy was not Michael's father.

Look, please, can we not waste time?

(loud drumming)

- Oi!

Okay, all right.

When I got married I might have been

just a teensy bit pregnant.

Freddy was fine with it.

- You mean you told him?

- Don't be daft.

He didn't know, so he was fine with it.

- So who actually was Michael's father?

- What does it matter?

It was just some guy, rather a tasty plumber,

if you must know.

So what's the big deal?

- Mummy?

A plumber?

- Darling.

- The jeweler's absolutely sure about it, is he?

- 100%.

- 100%, hey?

This should be very interesting.

- Freddy was firing blanks?

You mean Annabel and Tara, gah,

I thought I was the slapper around here.

- Ah, Mr. Oliver.

Fit and well are we?

- Nevermind me, mate.

I want to have a word with chummy here.

Thanks for saving my life.

- Don't mention it, sir.

- Now give me back what you nicked off me.

I may have been knocked out down there

but I didn't lose my memory.

My memory of finding a small wooden box.

- Ah, you must mean the Haddington emeralds, sir.

- You've got them?

- Jones?

- That's really them!

Way, hey!

Antigua, here we come!

- Careful you don't drop them.

You know how they shatter.

- Emeralds don't shatter, darling.

(both laugh)

- But glass does.

- Glass?

(laughs)

These aren't glass!

These are the Haddington emeralds.

(laughs)

(whimsical music)

(glass shattering)

(groans)

- I'll see you two later.

Jones.

- You stupid bloody cow.

I nearly died!

(couple arguing loudly)

- [Lucinda] You insisted on taking --

(loud yelling)

- It's sad.

- It's tragic.

- Very sad.

- Very tragic.

- Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die.

(bagpipe playing)

(thud)

- I got Jenny to identify most of them.

That's Annabel, Teddy, Freddy,

and she didn't know who the third man was.

That's Annabel again.

- Nevermind about her, look at the cottage.

- Yep, it's my cottage, so?

- So what's Lady Annabel doing there?

- Her estate, she could do what she liked.

- Did you take that photograph?

- When she was using my place,

she always told me to make myself scarce.

- [Barnaby] Come on, Amos, don't give me that.

People like you, you and Hatty,

you always know what's going on.

- Oh no, sir.

We always respect our betters, don't we?

- Freddy made this a year ago after the quacks

first told him that he had a heart like an old inner tube.

- Well, if you're watching this, then I suppose I'm not,

I must be, that could be the old ticker going out.

(chuckles)

Bummer, eh?

Still, stuff happens and I don't want a lot of long faces

mooning around the place.

Tara, I hope you got the party going.

- Yes, Freddy.

- Good, because I want you to celebrate my life

which was an absolute blast.

So raise a few glasses to me because I'll be up here

in the rafters watching you, (laughs).

Toodle pip!

(loud rock music)

- Oh, what are you doing here?

- Just my job, Teddy.

- Look.

- Oh yes, I remember that summer.

'Bel pregnant, me and Freddy, all so young.

- Who's the third man?

- What do you think?

- I think that that is Henry York.

- Oh, yes.

- And I think that he was the real father of Richard.

Because Lady Annabel believes in new blood.

- Well, I think that's very clever of you.

- When did you first learn the truth?

- Well, Freddy told me a few months ago.

Then he said he was going to leave everything to me.

- And he also left you

a signed copy of the new will, didn't he?

- He wasn't as daft as he looked.

- Not the only one.

I should have got it earlier.

- Oh, I'm sure, sir.

- This is it.

It's from Henry York,

Dear Freddy,

I've just been told I have but a few months to live

so there are certain matters that I need

to discuss regarding your affairs

and mine too, come to that.

Could we meet next Thursday?

Henry York.

When Henry discovered that he was about to die

he wanted to do so with a clear conscience

so he told Freddy that he was Richard's real father.

- So where does that leave us?

- Studying country law, Jones.

That's where that leaves us

which dictates not only the behaviour of the animals

but also of the people.

- Can you be a bit less obscure, sir?

- Oh, I thought you were a country boy.

Listen, get yourself down to forensics

and see if you can borrow something that looks

like a real murder weapon, okay?

(loud rock music)

- What now?

- I believe that the murderer --

- What?

Shut up!

Shut up!

Go away.

Go on all of you, get out.

This is a funeral for goodness sake.

Go on.

- Thank you, I was hoping that you'd tell me

where you were,

where you really were the other night.

The night that Sandra was killed.

- I was here.

- I don't think so.

- It was me.

- What was you, Michael?

- I killed Sandra.

- Mikey!

- And why, why would you do that?

- Because she was ghastly and,

and I'm an awfully good shot.

- That's a very good try, Michael,

but you don't need to protect your mother.

Just because she lied about her whereabouts

doesn't mean necessarily that she was out

somewhere shooting somebody.

It probably means that she was meeting her lover.

- A lover?

What a naughty girl.

Who is it?

- Well, actually, it's your friend, Mr. Oliver.

- You!

- I believe that Tara and Simon,

they go back a long, long way.

You were an item 15 years ago, weren't you?

'Round about the time that Tara married Sir Freddy.

Not to mention Michael's birth?

- What?

- Nothing, darling.

- But the plumber?

- But then you discovered that your predecessor, Lucinda,

was hot on the trail of the emeralds

so you get old flame, Simon, to latch onto Lucinda,

see if he can get his hands on the jewels.

Am I right?

- Spot on.

- What were you going to do if you found them?

- Do a bunk, of course.

Tas had had enough of Freddy.

- But you needed a few quid to set up together?

- These are expensive women.

(slap)

Thank you.

Still, doesn't give me a motive for murdering anyone.

- Ah, motive Simon, now what is a motive?

'Round about here everybody has a motive, don't they, Amos?

(dramatic music) And Sandra was about to chuck you

out of your cottage, wasn't she?

And you owned the murder weapon.

Or maybe the motive was jealousy.

What do you think, Jenny?

- Jenny who was dumped by Richard, let down by Sir Freddy,

and ousted by Sandra.

Revenge, that's a nice motive too, isn't it?

But you, Richard, you stood to lose most of all, didn't you?

Because if Sir Freddy died without genuine issue,

then the whole estate would go to Teddy.

Which, of course, gives Teddy a motive, doesn't it?

Serious gain, eh, Teddy?

- Oh, absolutely.

Teddy in the library with the candlestick.

- And when Teddy died, who then would inherit the estate?

Why his child, of course.

- What child?

- You swore you'd never --

- I didn't, Hatty.

He worked it out.

He's awfully smart.

- You talk to me about motives, you take your pick,

you've got hundreds here.

- Mr. Barnaby, would you mind cutting the theatrics

and get to the point, please?

- Sir.

- If you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

You took your time.

- So why did we do that?

- Why?

Stick your ferret down the hole.

See what comes running out.

Right, you stay here, I'll take the terrace.

Not leaving us, are you?

- Just taking a breath of air.

- I see, they're everywhere, those foxes, aren't they?

- Ruthless creatures.

You know the vixen abandons her young as soon

as she can.

Couldn't care less whether they live or die.

- Not like us, eh?

We'll protect our offspring to the death.

- A somewhat macabre analysis but basically correct.

- Is that why you killed Henry York?

To protect your son?

- I'm not sure I follow you, Mr. Barnaby.

- Let me outline a little scenario for you.

A couple of months ago,

your solicitor told Freddy that he, Henry,

is actually the father of your son, Richard.

- Thank you.

- So Freddy says if that is so,

I'm gonna leave everything to Michael.

- Freddy, you're sterile.

- And Tara?

- She knew that having children was part of the deal

so she made sure she did.

- The line, Bella, the family, the blood.

- What of it?

- Well, it runs through Teddy now, doesn't it?

- So Freddy went and changed his will,

left it all to Teddy, leaving your son, Richard,

way out in the cold.

But then suddenly, out of the blue,

Sir Freddy ups and dies

and you see your opportunity, don't you?

(papers rustling)

You find the new will but a little while later

while we're investigating the break in,

does that mean there is no will?

- Oh no, what if there was a fire?

For important documents, I keep signed copies at home.

- So whoever stole it doesn't change anything?

- [Henry] No, not at all.

- So you have to destroy the copy as well.

(engine revving)

- You park carefully so as not to wake Henry.

See, it had to be someone who knew Henry well enough

to know that he had a store of paraffin on the premises.

I believe you really hated Henry York, didn't you,

for betraying your mutual secret

but he wasn't going to do it again, was he?

(explosion)

(engine revving)

- Quite fascinating, Mr. Barnaby but, of course,

you don't have a shred of evidence

for your colourful theories.

And as for that cheap trick with the fake rifle.

Well, it was laughable so if you'll excuse me.

- Lady Annabel, how did you know that the rifle

wasn't the real one?

- Now that I know I'm right, perhaps,

you could save us all the trouble of a search

by handing over the real murder weapon,

complete with your fingerprints.

Lady Annabel, until I get it, of course,

there will be leaks, exposures, disclosures,

tabloid press crawling all over Haddington.

The family name dragged face down through the mud.

It could be very long, very gruesome.

- Under my bed.

Habit of a lifetime.

- Thank you.

You'll find cooperation works both ways.

What about Sandra?

- What do you think?

Ghastly creature, quite beyond the pale.

If I was going to make it right for Richard,

I thought I might as well go the whole hog

and put her down before she had a chance to breed.

Then we could have found him a decent girl

from a decent family and things would've been

as they should be.

- And, of course, you're a cracker shot, eh?

- I was brought up in Kenya.

It was during the Mau Mau Rebellion.

I slept with a rifle by my bed.

Yes, I am a very good shot.

Shall we go?

Are those leaves beginning to turn already?

I probably won't see any more summers in Haddington.

- Nope.

- You haven't asked me about Freddy's death.

- Well, that was natural causes.

- Yes,

yes, of course it was.

(whimsical music)